i'm trying to understand people making a movie like 'very bad things' 1998. so many good actors in a mean spirited, negative movie based on stupidity and sick morals.
whew! cellular sent double bill. online is accurate now. and i paid citi in sunny picked up 'never ending stories' and bought sprouts salad. i'm revisiting my past calmly consciously. i'm wondering if i was infected eating store samples.
the only tv i watch is wheel.
i'm having a major 1972 flashback. ex made me so sick with his diseases. i ended up in emergency on sulfa for his many infections. i was allergic and slept through the worst.
feeling sad. missing gerde and my deceased loved ones. i'm mourning. i'm consciously mourning my losses. family always ridiculed me for having feelings.
i showered at 24 picked up salty b king bacon swiss jrs 2/$5. drove to toy parts bought 2 keys program a separate service so noon i called rescue Ron's daughter, Paulina 2-4 appointment at home. i'll ask about front door although i'm not ready to deal with it yet. it keeps the sisters away. i'm so excited doing something new. i feel excited like a puppy. i went to cup and picked up requests. i'm enjoying sitting in the car writing bills. overcast and cool. 4:30 i called she's running late. i ate other jr burger. 5-5:35 and done. she said $125 for key program free trunk lock fix i wrote 150 for excellent service. i told her she's my hero. a self employed locksmith.
bart here noon spraying weeds. gave him $70 for Nov. 2 hrs. saved me trip to drop off.
quite a few steps. like being in chemistry class. i'm feeling better. I'm still feeling tired and my back is screaming. i'm doing more. took out garbage and recycle for tomorrow pick up. i'm stretching and resting. my muscles are actually sore.
epiphany-1:19 pm i'm making it harder for me. my training has been to suffer.
when i asked mom 1999 why she was so mean to me she said she was toughening me. she pampered my sisters gave them everything they asked. navigating the world is tough enough i need a family to love and support me. my sisters are doing what my mom taught them; to abuse and humiliate me. i used to choose people to abuse, humiliate, and make my life worse. what was familiar family.
i can chase after free things and/or have heaven come to me.
sisters hate me in place of mom. they hate her. i'm just collateral damage. mom used me as the scapegoat to avoid pain but it didn't work. no matter what she did for my sisters they hated her.
confirmation-8:30 pm put garbage and recycle bins in street, 8:45 filled gas at cost co, on website opened 'til 8. maybe 'cause a card i don't know just that i filled tank. step one to better health. 70 degrees warm. drove in filled tank home 9 pm. i was prepared to return home if too crowded.
eating, drinking, resting. sleeping for most the day. i made mac and cheese, added corn, tuna, yellow mustard. just what i wanted.
9:30 am too tired. brought in jujubes chinese granny gave me seniors last fry day. ate them full of c and fiber.
i loaded lucky's free 5-8 oz cheese. not worth the effort to go get. it's been fun getting free stuff but today there was too much effort. i'd rather fill my car with gasoline and buy 2 car key copies. I read the 'history of morgan hill' and 'valley of heart's delight'. covers covid 19 2022. huh. i toasted a split croissant and topped it with hummus. my appetite is back. i haven't felt hungry over a week.
wow-i just remembered how bad i used to feel doing anything and everything. 2003 was hell. i had surgery, my sisters were harassing me threatening physical eviction, i had to hire an attorney, shawn parr. took 4 more years to get them off my back. no wonder i'm still feeling depressed.
my family tortured and abused me. i guess they hated life. they took it out on me. no wonder i feel depressed. my motivation has been avoiding pain. doing the proper thing to avoid pain and punishment. punishment was the only result i knew. of course i feel depressed. of course i feel sick.
i have to return sunny book. due tomorrow. maybe, maybe not.
facing the truth i feel better. i got up to watch a 'love boat' i hadn't seen.
toki called 6 pm to check if i needed anything. she was just getting home.
toki called to let me know gerde died and she brought pasta and salad from senior lunch she left on porch. i'm feeling so tired. gerde is no longer tired. she's happy.
