keeping busy

and having more fun.  i soaked at gym then drove to seniors ignoring check engine light.  i'm feeling calmer.  not calm yet but calmer.  i puzzled after spinning suit.  got my lunch ticket and took suit out to car to dry.  waited no gerde very late.  and i'm ok with it.  good lunch joanie saw ron yesterday sat next to alex said she'd see us next monday.  

i just realized 'momma' delorise lucas taught me what love feels like.  she literally scared the hell out of me.  i'd never been loved before.  i ran away 10 am got in bed pulled the covers over my head and hid for 2 hours.  a traumatic new experience at 35 years old.

puzzled at main a couple hours home 4 'you bet your life' jay leno and to prepare for toki's b'day.  i'm giving her blank unlimited card, hologram exercising kitty notebook, jewel pen and birthday seasoned butter.  i may start a new tradition 'birthday butter'.  

old habit 5 am

dad woke us 5 am for b'fast at 6.  parents left by 7 we saw ourselves off to school.  i'd make my lunch my sisters got money subsidized by dad approved by mom.  i learned to plan ahead or go hungry.  i was always out of the family.   only logical to feel like Cinderella.  the appeal of the tale is the majority common experience.  i'm not alone.  i felt like the hero.

i taught myself to take care of myself or suffer and since i grew up this way it was normal.  i didn't know anything else.  mom always said life wasn't fair whenever they discriminated against me as if it wasn't them acting unfairly.  i saw karma in action.  i learned what goes around comes around.  simple physics.  that's what heather hilda and jennifer hate.  life.

ron showed up he had car trouble.  everybody was late joanie pooled since she didn't feel like rushing through eating due to dance at 1.  after lunch i puzzled 'til 3 then home.  i looked for de icer.  ice scraper.  i can picture it i've had it at least 40 years.  5 pm i remembered  the defrosted chicken.  i baked.  so good.  

so much sugar from chocolate pecan pie

or maybe stress of senior center triggers inflammation.  today no touching fans in senior gym.  and no showers until 10.  i didn't decide where today just drove and check engine light back after careful driving in 40 degree.  so must be the cold not me.  checked car repair record oil changed 7/25 last year 2 new air filters.

bart has removed gate hardware for 2 nails that don't work.  no wonder he expects to be fired.

something about today

today feels special.  i watched 'banshees of inisherin'.  supports my 8 year old child theory of everyone's crazy.   it's been nominated for awards so it's a shared perspective.

today i want someone to love me in a supportive healthy way.  i feel i want company.  i'm feeling less abused.  

new behavior:  watching 'providence' tv series.  just as over technical and fake as before.  well, i tried it again.  

i'm considering separate lunch/computer gym bags.  maybe not.  went to gym with hot spot and code continuous play.  no plastic bags for wet suit i managed.  i wore 3 x water spots.  so comfortable but stretching in chlorine.  i don't mind.  hung to dry in bathroom.  an hour.  i made a salad tomato bottle asparagus cooked eggs.  2 garlic bread balsamic and last piece of chocolate pecan pie dessert.

4:30 bartolo came by to have the same yard work 2 hours / month conversation.  whenever it rains he doesn't have anything to do.  

managed to nap and then stayed up to watch 'all creatures..'

feeling ok

all the walking and sitting puzzling just right.  i feel amazingly well.  2 toast, 2 patties, 2 eggs b'fast.  i feel unusually calm.  

dressed in bath suit in case prepared for gym.  going through cases and spent 2 hours in garage without becoming depressed realized i wore street clothes due to dust.  found cookies 4 yrs old in all rolling case in closet.  so many socks.  trying to reconfigure backpack.  or how to replace broken wheel.  

my boon companion

i started journal ing when i was 25 married and lonelier than i'd ever been in my life.  my childhood of regular abuse kept me from feeling lonely too much pain.  i had agoraphobia for a year constant anxiety and panic attacks until i learned i could consciously change my chemical state.  i learned i could choose one chemical state, anger to replace anxiety and fear.

rainy 10 am i loaded picked up free Lucky's yogurt @ Saratoga checked clearance 4 smoked salmon good 'til 2027 $10-$8, last 2 .40 cent waters, 8 beef patties 1.6 lb $5.  dollar tree out yesterday hurrah!  paid Citibank.  did a full day's work before 10 am.  seniors no hot water i charged chromes and relaxed.  bad news back hurting in new spots.  good lunch toki alex diane little gloria.  no ron all week.  

i puzzled 'til 3 checked sprouts bakery manager $1.99 special chocolate pecan pie.  pretty good.  nuked 2 patties fish sticks dessert.  2 garlic toasts.  seniors get type 2 life is so sweet.  except for bodies deteriorating.  

oh, well

banking is done for the month.  i forgot to update before trading in Lenovo for Samsung.  so i have hot spot and i'm set for weekend.

check engine light still on.  hasn't gone off i'll call carlos tomorrow.  new me is calmer.  

wheel broke on rolling bag and i don't care.  kind of weird not to care.  like not freaking over car.  i've been considering and trying different combinations to replace bag.  it's different not freaking out.  calm is good.  my autism is calmer because of my new family.

walking sprouts for inge gift lemon cake $9.  i ate the last piece i got manager special $2.