7;15

and i could have and wanted to stay in bed but for classical stretch.  i mixed chocolate ginger with turmeric for cheerios and milk.  i wasn't really hungry but time to re energize.

my dreams were cartoons falling asleep to trolls world tour.

dumped 4 bags fermenting apples.  i could have used it but no.  too many chemicals dip.  3 rose thorns in daiso left clog from backyard.

9;43 #3 car.  stinky sausage fly followed me from street.  finally shooed him away.  all peppers a few onions.  i can make apple onion relish with the dozen i have from lunches.  main i dropped off own way and blossom picked up essentrics toning.  sahra instead of miranda.

12;30 i have glasses, 2 pencils, large eraser, #'s, i think i'm ready.  now, just waiting.  i have to remember to breathe.  i plugged in phone.  reading emotional resilience is very emotionally painful.
Mrs. Coralis called promptly 1;29 and 22 minutes later done.  i did need ex's soc. sec. #.  asked her opinion she suggested i get copy of marriage certificate for name change.  so maybe divorce too.  for real id.  and passport.  i'll think on it.  i'm open to the idea.

an ok day

been awake since 3 slept at 10.  5 hours is ok.  i'll nap.

i'm unlearning.  i'm choosing my behavior carefully.  watching blossom 91-92 nit was an only child and yet she refused to take care of mom and dad.  they sent her on a field trip to baja cal with her class in high school.  they actually allowed her to go amazing.  miraculous.

walter showed up seniors.  i got there 9;33 #1 so he saw me waving and we talked 'til lunch started.  i drove around the block and we talked more 'til art walked up and i told them to walk.  it's what i do connecting people.  i went to chase and cashed $10 csaaa refund check and home.

i feel blessed by walter.  he's my brother too.  i rinsed red pepper sauce off fish and added balsamic.  had to toss 4 bags slimy sliced apples.  cut up a fresh apple to eat w/almond butter.  delicious.  made popcorn for dessert.  happy child.

i kept thinking today thursday and correcting myself.  i don't want to do wilcox food pick up.  last day.
and i don't have to.  all i want is iceberg lettuce they don't have and onions, apples, oranges i have plenty.

i lay down to rest and slept through 4;15 bell ringing for cupertino-toyokama atom bomb drop.

august 6 hiroshima, august 7 toyokama, august 9 nagasaki.  i wonder why only 2 mentioned in history.
looked on wiki.  conventional bombing. 

covid the great equalizer

driving around i noticed it doesn't matter the cars, money, status.  everyone's the same to covid.

'murder, he says' 1945 fred macmurray great movie.  the acting is excellent.  so convincing.  i have good memories of nit and i watching it together as kids saturday movies after i finished house work.  we were maybe 8-9, 3-4.

i've decided to wear my sleeveless dresses around the house.  i finished the denim and sage 'suede' remodel.  i'm looking good.  i'm feeling good.

so i tried online retirement for an hour couldn't set up.  i looked at 2015 when i tried still couldn't figure it out.  called help line 5;17 talked to kim east coast 9;17 for 33;45 minutes who set up my application for retirement.  and pers effect.  she checked my online and said it's blocked by equifax (probably discover).  i'd have to remove block for at least a day to set up online i'd rather not have online names and passwords.  i don't want it anyway i was trying to be modern.  i have specialist phone appointment with campbell  thursday.  she was such an angel.  i thanked her profusely.

whew!!  i cooked pork onions but 7 pm i'm just not hungry.  more stunned.

my special treat

waiting for the light shirley mcclaine, teri garr on tv.

banking cupertino

i kept waking with infant flashbacks.  my sacroiliac screaming.  my stomach upset .  less than a year old mom has propped me up on rattan couch.  mom knows i can't won't move it will bite my tender flesh.  pain, fear and anxiety my only companions.  i wait becoming more uncomfortable until the pain starts me crying.  eventually someone comes for me.  that's what i learned.  that's what i expect.

i don't want to do anything.  i don't have to do anything today.

i finally understand my free floating anxiety.

9;46 #5 car.  drop off pch entry po, main drop off sonic pick up judy, chase withdrawal, cu deposit forgot  to cash $10 csaa check, noon ate lunch cupertino drop off sonic harriet 1776, pick up lucy trolls murder he says.

1;41 pm home everything expeditiously done i'm quietly sweating.  for 85 degrees feels hotter or maybe it's me.  while reading 'my own way' waiting in seniors lunch line his description of dinnertime gave me the shivers and bing telling gary how hard life is without context made me shiver.  i vibrate with recognition.   my own experience.  dennis and lindsay (bing's favorite son) while denying the truth in gary's autobiography both committed suicide by guns.  denial is lethal.  the manner of suicide is important.  how one chooses to die.

i started researching suicide at 16 due to my fascination with tying a hangman's noose.  a chart in the encyclopedia showed how to tie various knots and the fact the hangman's noose takes 13 turns and 13 steps to the gallows i found an oddly superstitious ritual.  i was depressed then and over dosing aspirin was very common.  alien had pimped me out to manipulate a date.  she manipulated the whole family.  i had that slave mentality living a slaves' life.  then alien got married and had someone more interesting to manipulate 24/7.

oh, very good

i watched stretch.  my dreams reminded me of 1972 my first year of marriage a continuous string of uti's.

yesterday i dreamed of adopting a boy and girl and young white cat enters living room containing my spouse and jumps up in surprise.  makes me laugh.

i'm catching up on dvd viewing.  i have juvenile sonic and sad harriet to watch.

good time for personal grooming.

i'm practicing loving myself.

watching cesar 911 worry, responsibility, guilt, feelings of helplessness for 12 years taking care of dad.  i couldn't trust anyone to look after him.  the dysfunctional family.  i've worked such a long time on myself.  they were fine muddling along blaming me for whatever wasn't working and i was an enabler.  my exhaustion was from unrelenting stress.  my co dependent family couldn't be trusted.  still can't.

i love seeing people happy. 

nitrogen

free starbucks cold brew.  i was home by 9;30 lucky's @ lawrence.  pork chop $2.24.  i walked half the store looking for coffee sans forgot mask used wipes to cover, asked, went out to car for mask and purchased.  drove lawrence home new behavior. 

i'm feeling scattered.  peacefully doing what i feel.  i put together cottage pie and added pickled onions.  so delicious. 

went through just-4-u found free roll kleenex or petalo tp buried middle of discount offers. 

my mouth is sore.  i bit myself twice yesterday two different places right side. 

i worry about teeth, health, money, everything.  i was so tired i stayed in bed 'til 7;30.  didn't remember split second, there it was when i turned on tv. 

i'll do banking, and cupertino holds monday.  all i wanted was starbucks.