banking cupertino

i kept waking with infant flashbacks.  my sacroiliac screaming.  my stomach upset .  less than a year old mom has propped me up on rattan couch.  mom knows i can't won't move it will bite my tender flesh.  pain, fear and anxiety my only companions.  i wait becoming more uncomfortable until the pain starts me crying.  eventually someone comes for me.  that's what i learned.  that's what i expect.

i don't want to do anything.  i don't have to do anything today.

i finally understand my free floating anxiety.

9;46 #5 car.  drop off pch entry po, main drop off sonic pick up judy, chase withdrawal, cu deposit forgot  to cash $10 csaa check, noon ate lunch cupertino drop off sonic harriet 1776, pick up lucy trolls murder he says.

1;41 pm home everything expeditiously done i'm quietly sweating.  for 85 degrees feels hotter or maybe it's me.  while reading 'my own way' waiting in seniors lunch line his description of dinnertime gave me the shivers and bing telling gary how hard life is without context made me shiver.  i vibrate with recognition.   my own experience.  dennis and lindsay (bing's favorite son) while denying the truth in gary's autobiography both committed suicide by guns.  denial is lethal.  the manner of suicide is important.  how one chooses to die.

i started researching suicide at 16 due to my fascination with tying a hangman's noose.  a chart in the encyclopedia showed how to tie various knots and the fact the hangman's noose takes 13 turns and 13 steps to the gallows i found an oddly superstitious ritual.  i was depressed then and over dosing aspirin was very common.  alien had pimped me out to manipulate a date.  she manipulated the whole family.  i had that slave mentality living a slaves' life.  then alien got married and had someone more interesting to manipulate 24/7.