don't won't

IF NOT FOR MY COMMITMENT TO SENIORS I'D STAY HOME.  REMINDS ME OF MY TIME BEDRIDDEN.  I'D HAVE TO GET RIDES FOR GROCERIES AND DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS.  I COULDN'T SIT IN A CHAIR OR STAND IN PLACE.  MY BACK WAS SHOT.  I COULD FEEL THE VERTEBRA COMPRESSING.  MY BLOOD PRESSURE AND SUGAR WOULD DROP, I'D FEEL LIKE PASSING OUT.  I'D FEEL LIKE I WAS DYING. 

10;16 LUNCH LINE TO JACKSON.

SCU SAFEWAY 5 FREE DONUTS AND A FISTFUL OF GAME PIECES.. TOOK ME 'TIL 11 TO OPEN.  I CONSIDERED TAKING TO TOKI BUT  NOT TODAY.  I THOUGHT OF GOING TO BK FOR DINNER AND INSTEAD WENT STRAIGHT HOME FOR BATHROOM.  I FORGOT ABOUT SATURDAY BAGEL 2 SANDWICHES.  MAYBE BK TOMORROW.  I HAVE PANERA GIFT CARD TOO. 

I'M WEARING MY NEW STRETCH DENIM LONG SKIRT.  FITS LIKE A GLOVE.

didn't FEEL like it

I'M WORKING ON A 3 X STRETCH DENIM SKIRT.  I THOUGHT I'D TURN IT INTO A DRESS BUT THE A SYMETRICAL FLARE MAKES IT TOO BUSY.  SO I'M TAKING IT IN.  I TOOK OFF 2 BELT LOOPS AND DON'T KNOW WHERE I PUT THEM.  I MAY LEAVE ALL OFF.  IT WILL BE PERFECT HOUSE DRESS.

I FOUND THE BELT LOOPS IN THE BACK POCKET.

I'M FEELING TIRED BUT IT FEELS OLD.  NOT CURRENT.  I DREAMED LARRY LEFT CANDLE BURNING IN MY OLD ROOM. IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY LAST FRIDAY.  I FELT BADLY THAT AILEEN USED HIM HORRIBLY.

OOPS.  NO INTERNET CONNECTION ON HARRISON.

I'M WAITING SENIOR LUNCH LINE.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE WRITING YESTERDAY.  MAYBE MY TRIP TO TOKI.
IT DID DISAPPEAR.  MUST HAVE BEEN WHEN I PUBLISHED AND OPENED NEW PAGE.

thin air

disappeared.  maybe i did revert to draft.  nope.  i don't know how i erased the post and title and left the blank page.

WATCHING THE NEWS

AFTER DAD DIED '99 MOM FREAKED ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING WHAT DAY IT WAS.  I TOLD HER ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS TURN ON THE NEWS.  AILEEN HAD BEEN CAMPAIGNING AGAINST ME TELLING MOM TO KICK ME OUT BUT REFUSED TO TAKE MOM IN.  SO I HELPED HER ORGANIZE HER PAPERWORK.  HOPE I EASED HER MIND.

I'VE EXPERIENCED THE SAME WAKING UP.  I WOKE 2 AM WITH DREAM IN HEAVEN.  IT'S FUNNY HOW PEOPLE SEE THEMSELVES.  I WONDER WHY WE DON'T DREAM OF LOOKING IN THE MIRROR. 

I'M STILL TRYING TO THINK OF WHAT TO GET TOKI.  SHE MAKES FULLY PACKED INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS SOUP.  SHE'S SO JAPANESE SHE ALWAYS APOLOGIZES FOR THE SOUP WHEN I TELL HER HOW DELICIOUS.  MAYBE ENVY APPLES.OR RICE SHOPPING BAG I MADE. 

weird dream

I GO TO CONCERT SAN FRANCISCO W/ TOM CARRYING BACKPACK.  WE GET SEPARATED I RUN INTO BILL.  HE'S VERY SWEET.  HE CROSSES STREET TO CATHEDRAL TURNS INTO TOAD, HOPS OFF.  I CHECK BACKPACK.  I HAVE SNACKS, WATER, MAP AND MONEY TO GET HOME.  I CHECK OUT FRONT ENTRY, MEET GIRL FRIEND WHO GETS ME IN BY WAY OF METAL TUNNEL.  I'M GLAD I'M WEARING STRETCHY JEANS AND SNEAKERS.  I EXPLORE CATHEDRAL LOOKING FOR POTTY AND FIND TOM SITTING WITH DAVE BURROUGHS.

THIS WAS MY CHILDHOOD

I'M FEELING DISCONNECTED.  I HAD NO RIGHTS, PRIVACY, PERSONAL LIFE.  NO LIFE.  I WAS ISOLATED THEN.  MY FAMILY HAD LIVES.  MOM DAD WORKED, HAD FRIENDS.  MITZI, AILEEN HAD FRIENDS.  I WASN'T ALLOWED.  THEIR SUCCESSES WERE LAUDED WHILE MY SUCCESSES DENIGRATED, LABELED LUCK.  AND THEN MY SUCCESSES APPROPRIATED AS THEIR SUCCESSES.

I WANT TO GET BACK TO MY PROJECTS.  I WANT TO RUN AWAY FROM MY FEELINGS.

WATCHED SOME CONCENTRATION.  LEFT HOME 10;20 ARRIVED SENIORS LUNCH LINE 10;25 GREEN LIGHTS.  WITHIN 10 MINUTES 6 CARS BEHIND ME.  LOVELY 60o OVERCAST DAY.  I FEEL I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING.  I TOOK OUT GARBAGE.  THERE'S SO MUCH MORE WITHOUT RETURNING IT TO SENIORS.

I'M CONTINUING TO ORGANIZE AND SORT.  LIKE THINGS THAT WERE JUMBLED TOGETHER ARE NOW LOVED.  THAT TO ME IS EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE.  I'LL BE LOVED WHEN I FIND MY PLACE.  WHEN I'M IN MY PLACE. 

I'M FEELING LONELY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.  I WAS ALWAYS PUT UPON BY MY FAMILY WAITING FOR THE NEXT GIMME.  THAT'S GONE.  THE UNIVERSE HATES A VACUUM.  I'LL HAVE TO CONSCIOUSLY FILL IT OR TAKE MY CHANCES WHICH I CHOOSE NOT TO GAMBLE WITH MY LIFE HAPPINESS.  I NEVER BEFORE BELIEVED I DESERVED IT.  I NEVER HAD TIME TO CONSIDER.  THEY BATTERED ME PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.  I NEVER BEFORE HAD A CHANCE WITH THEM ALWAYS DRAGGING ME DOWN SO THEY COULD FEEL SUPERIOR.

TOM ASKED ME LONG TIME AGO ABOUT FEELING LONELY.  MOSTLY I FELT GLAD MY FAMILY WAS LEAVING ME ALONE.  WE HAVE THE CHOICE OF RUNNING AWAY OR TOWARD.  TODAY I WANT TO CHOOSE TOWARD.  LIKE LUNCH.  I ENJOYED PUZZLING AND BEING ABLE TO CHOOSE WHO I INTERACTED WITH AT SENIORS. 

today tom lester-eb dawson died.  green acres 6 years of tv joy.  i feel sad.

fear

WHAT CAN I SAY.  ANOTHER LEVEL.  AND I FEEL IT'S AN OLD NAMELESS, WORDLESS FEAR.  A PRE VERBAL FEAR.  MAYBE IN UTERO CHEMICAL FEAR.

ISOLATION IS STAYING IN WITH NO DISTRACTIONS, NO ONE ELSE TO BLAME FOR THEIR LIVES.  SO PROTESTERS ARE BLAMING WHISTLE BLOWERS FOR THEIR LIVES.  A PRESIDENT TRUMP WORLD UTERUS.  EVERYONE FEELING BASIC FEAR.  EACH AND EVERYONE AN ISLAND OF FEAR. 

SO MUCH OF TV PROGRAMMING IS GEARED TO REMOVING FEAR, EXPLOITING FEAR, EMOTIONS.  TRUMP SUCCEEDED TO THE PRESIDENCY BY EXPLOITING PEOPLES FEAR.  APPEALING TO EMOTIONS LIKE GREED.  MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.  AND WHAT HAS HE DONE TO ACCOMPLISH THAT, NOTHING BUT LINE THE POCKETS OF THE RICH.  AND WHAT IS THAT ALMIGHTY DOLLAR WORTH IN THE PANDEMIC.  CAN'T ENSURE SURVIVAL.