ADRENALINE

4 HRS OF MEDITATION CD.

SLEPT 15 MINUTES TWO DREAMS: 1) DRIVING IN MTNS BUSY REALTORS OFFICE, I LEAVE I'VE TAKEN HIS TOUCHTONE DESK PHONE.  I TURN AROUND TO HEAD BACK, CAMPING GEAR IN ROAD, I DETOUR EXPLORING FREEWAY FRONTAGE ROAD.  2) I ENTER MY LIVING ROOM BLACK GIRL SITS AT MY BERNINA USING IT W/O PERMISSION OR INSTRUCTION.  I TELL HER NO,NO,NO. SHE ROLLS HER EYES AT MEX GIRLFRIEND, NO APOLOGY, ACKNOWLEDGMENT  OR CONTRITION.  I WON'T BE DISRESPECTED IN MY OWN HOME THEY'RE ON NOTICE AND CAN LOOK FOR HOUSING ELSEWHERE.

SO FAR EVERYONE HAS BETRAYED OR DISRESPECTED ME IN SOME WAY.  NO MORE.

REBORN

THE WARM WATER POOL REMINDED ME OF MY DISCOMFORT BEING BORN.  I FELT THE ANGER, FEAR, FRUSTRATION OF MY MOM CENTERED IN MY ABDOMEN AND HER ABDOMEN.

THE ONLY LOVE I'VE EVER FELT HAS BEEN FROM MOMMA (DELORISE LUCAS).  THE CONFUSION I FELT WAS FROM THE NEWNESS OF THE EXPERIENCE.  WHEN I MET HER I RAN HOME.  I KEPT GOING BACK FOR THE TWO YEARS SHE CAME TO THE AREA.

THE LOUISE HAY RECORDINGS HAVE UNLOCKED AND REORGANIZED MY MEMORIES INTO COHERENT THOUGHTS.  MY BODY IS UNLOCKING AND RELEASING ALL BLOCKAGES. 

ZOMBIES

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE WORLD FASCINATION.  THE MOVIES ARE ABOUT ALL THE BODIES WALKING AND TALKING AND DEAD BEHIND THE EYES.  SENIOR TOM WHO DRONES AND COMPLAINS WHEN ALL HE DOES IS TALK ABOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYS AND TRIES TO KEEP THE PAST ALIVE BY RUNNING HIS MOUTH.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE SCHISM.  UNLESS ON SOME LEVEL HIS ACTIVE BRAIN IS DEAD.  HIS CREATIVE BRAIN MAY BE DEAD AND THE BODY GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF LIVING.  THE APPEARANCE OF LIFE.  T TOO.

ZOMBIE VS ALIVE.

MAYBE WHY FRUSTRATED MEN GO ON KILLING SPREES.

MEMORIES

DOING THE WORD SEARCH I COULDN'T FIND MEMORIES FOR THE LONGEST TIME.  OVERNIGHT.  I USUALLY FIND THE WORD IN SECONDS.  I'M RELEASING MY MEMORIES FROM MY BODY.  MY DNA IS PROGRAMMED TO STORE UNSAFE EXPERIENCES AS PROTECTION FOR MY SURVIVAL.  PTSD.  EMOTIONAL HEALTH=PHYSICAL HEALTH.

EMOTIONAL HEALTH=PHYSICAL HEALTH.

PSYCHOSOMATIC DOESN'T MEAN CRAZY.  IT ACKNOWLEDGES THAT EMOTIONS GENERATE CHEMICAL CHANGES IN THE BODY.  THE BALANCE OF CHEMICALS IN THE BODY CONTROLS OUR HEALTH.

THAT'S HOW SOME ANGRY PEOPLE DON'T GET CANCER THEMSELVES THEY GIVE CANCER TO OTHERS.  THEY GIVE THEIR ANGER TO OTHERS BY BEHAVING IN WAYS TESTED AND KNOWN TO ANGER OTHERS,  GAINING SELF SATISFACTION, A FEELING OF POWER AND CONTROL OVER OTHERS.  IRONIC THEY CAN'T CONTROL THEMSELVES.  HITLERS.

ANGER=CANCER

CRITICISM AND JUDGMENT=DIABETES

FEAR AND EMPTINESS=OBESITY

OF COURSE EX

FELL ASLEEP 9:30-DREAM:  WENT TO COMIC CON OAKLAND(?) WITH EX.  HE HAS TO PEE, I WAIT FOR HIM IN WAITING AREA HE CALLS TO ME TO ENTER MEN'S ROOM, I DECLINE.  HE DITCHES ME.  I'M STRANDED.  THE BAND IS LEAVING I ASK IF THEY CAN CALL UBER THEY OFFER RIDE TO SANTA CLARA AND DRIVE ME HOME.  I HAVE MANY BOOKS WITH ME.  THAT'S WHY HE'S THE EX.

STRANGE DREAM.  I KNOW HE'S DEAD SINCE 2006.  I HAVE BEEN GRIEVING ERIC AND MARIA, MAYBE I'M GRIEVING THE HORRIBLE MARRIAGE I ENDURED.

4:45-DREAM OF GOING TO TEACHER'S BOOK NOOK.  AWOKE FEELING SMALL WEAK DEFENSELESS HAIRLESS ANIMAL FROM CHILDHOOD.

ALL THESE FEELINGS TRAPPED IN MY BODY RELEASING.  FEELS HORRIBLE.  I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS.  I DESERVE BETTER.

HARVILLE HENDRIX REQUIRES COUPLES TO SIGN COMPLETION CONTRACTS BEFORE HE'LL AGREE TO COUNSEL THEM.  THESE ARE POWERFUL UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS.  I DON'T LIKE IT.

MARIA OFELIA OLVERA

DIED TWO YEARS AGO AND ERIC LAST YEAR OF COURSE I'M FEELING SAD.

AND PRIORITIES ARE UNBALANCED.  I'D HAVE TO BE AN IDIOT OR INSANE NOT TO BE CONCERNED.  THE WEATHER, AN INSANE GOVERNMENT, THE COMPLACENCY AND CHOSEN IGNORING OF BASIC ISSUES.  I'M GLAD I WON'T LIVE FOREVER.

I HAD A BOOK I PICKED UP AT SENIORS TO GIVE AL ON LEARNING TO SPEAK FRENCH AND THE MEMORIAL FOR MARIA WAS THE BOOK MARK.  I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW FAR I'VE COME.  I WAS STILL 65-70% TWO YEARS AGO.  I'M MAYBE 80% NOW.

PRIMAL FEAR/COMPASSION

AWOKE WITH THE SMALL COLD OBJECT.  THE ORIGINAL SEPARATION FROM THE GARDEN.  FEAR IS SEPARATION. 

FEAR FILLED PEOPLE FIGHT AND CLING TO THINGS TO TRY TO PLACATE THAT EMPTINESS.  UNLOVING PEOPLE ARE EMPTY. 

COURSE IN MIRACLES WRITTEN THROUGH A  PSYCHOLOGIST SAYS THERE ARE ONLY LOVE AND FEAR.  FEAR IS THE ABSENCE OF LOVE.  LEAVING THE GARDEN OF EDEN IS LEAVING LOVE.  THERE IS ONLY LOVE AND THE ABSENCE OF LOVE. 

GOD IS LOVE.  FEAR OF GOD IS THE ALLEGORY OF JOB.  I NEVER BELIEVED GOD WOULD BET ON THE HAPPINESS OF JOB.  THE STORY DEMONSTRATES THE IMPORTANCE OF REMEMBERING GOD IS LOVE AND ONLY LOVE.  GOD TAKES EVERY MATERIAL THING FROM JOB.  JOB CONTINUES TO LOVE GOD AND MORE IS GIVEN TO HIM.

FEAR IS THE ABSENCE OF LOVE.  ANGER IS LACK OF LOVE.  DEPRESSION IS BELIEF THERE WILL NEVER BE LOVE.

OUR BRAINS ARE TOOLS SUBJECT TO THE HEART.  EMOTIONS POWER THE AUTO PILOT BRAIN TO MATERIALIZE OUR HEART'S DESIRE.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WANT.  KNOW WHAT THAT IS.