TAKING THE SAFEWAY

SUNDAY 6 AM THE SKYLIGHT STARTED LEAKING. IT MADE ME A LITTLE SAD.  DAD'S STILL TRYING TO AVOID DOING THE RIGHT THING.  HE'LL CARRY IT FORWARD.

I WENT TO SAFEWAY SATURDAY AND SUNDAY BEFORE OR AFTER GYM 2.

I'VE BEEN FINDING GREAT BARGAINS I NEED, 250 FOLIC ACID BOGO AT $3, JERKY $2.49, THAT I PAID $3.23 AT TARGET, 2 POPCORN TUBS FROM XMAS $11.99--$3.  SO DESPITE THE RAIN LEAKS I'M DOING SO MUCH BETTER.

THE SKYLIGHT IS LEAKING-ST J LUNCH SUNDAY

 AT 6AM I  WAS MAKING MY OATMEAL AND THE FLOOR FELT STICKY.  I GOT THE TORCH BECAUSE DAD'S FLORESCENT LIGHTS WEREN'T WORKING, OF COURSE.  AT FIRST I COULDN'T SEE ANYTHING.  IT HAD JUST STARTED.  THE COVER IS TWO YEARS OLD, GUARANTEED FOR 5.  I'LL CALL TOMORROW.

I TRIED TO BLOG FROM THE SUNNYVALE LIBRARY AND GOOGLE ASKED QUESTION WHEN DID I START THIS BLOG. 

IT'S MOST ANNOYING I CAN'T ACCESS MY ONLINE ACCOUNTS UNLESS IN SANTA CLARA.  THE I-D PROCESS I CAN'T MANAGE.  OH, WELL.

THE SMALL PATIO ROOF CORNER OVER SLIDING DOOR AS WELL.  I PUT BUCKET TO STOP SUBSIDENCE.

DAD IS NOT GOING AWAY WITHOUT A FIGHT.  WELL, HE'S CONSISTENT.  HE CAN'T WIN AND HE HAS TO PUT IN HIS TWO CENTS.  HE SHOULD SAVE IT FOR LATER.  MOM HAS NEVER BEEN FOR HER KIDS.

EVERY THING WITH THE HOUSE DEPRESSES ME.  DRAGS ME BACK TO MY CHILDHOOD, MAKING ME FEEL HOPELESS, HELPLESS, INCAPABLE.  ALL DAD'S FAULT. 

LEAVING DAD BEHIND-WEDNESDAY-GARBAGE DISPOSAL TUESDAY

I HAD THE BEST DAY IN ALVISO/MILPITAS.  I HAD A PCH ENTRY TO MAIL AND COULDN'T FIND THE STAMPS.  I STOPPED AT ALVISO PO AND MUST HAVE MAILED THE EXTRA STAMPS, YEAR OF THE ROOSTER-DAD, WITH MY ENTRY.  I GOT MY FREE CHICK-FIL-A SO IT BALANCED OUT. 


AND LAST NIGHT THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL STOPPED WORKING.  AND I GOT ANGRY.  NOT SAD, DEPRESSED, POWERLESS BUT ANGRY.  A STEP UP. 


DEAD DAD NEEDS TO FIX EVERYTHING IN DEATH SINCE HE ONLY STUBBORNLY MADE THINGS SELFISHLY WORSE IN LIFE.  FISH IN SELFISH.  NO WONDER HE LOVED FISHING.


I HAVE HOPE AND EXPECTATIONS, GREAT OR NO.


I'M ACTUALLY FEELING HAPPY.  I HAD A COLD/COUGH FOR A WEEK, STARTED TO GET OVER IT AND RE-CAUGHT IT TWO DAYS AGO AND IT'S GONE AGAIN.  SO I FEEL PRETTY GOOD.

LEAVING THE SMOKE BEHIND

I'VE SMOKED ALMOST MY ENTIRE LIFE.  EXCEPT FOR ROUGHLY THREE YEARS AND THEN MOM TOOK DAD'S SLEEPING PILLS, ENDED IN THE LOONEY BIN IN REDWOOD CITY, ALAMEDA DE LAS PULGAS. 


A YEAR LATER FEELING ANXIOUS I STARTED AGAIN. 


I CAN FEEL MYSELF CHANGING.  I HAVE A COLD FROM TOO MANY SWEETS.  WORTH IT.   THE CHOCOLATE CREAM PIE, OREOS, CHIPS. 


AND THE SR CTR IS SO HOT.  THEN OUT INTO THE COLD.  AND EVERY ONE IS COUGHING.

JANET-JENNY

AUNTIE TOMIE TOLD ME UNCLE HAS HAD DEMENTIA A YR AND HALF.  SO MUCH FOR LIFE.  SHE SAID UNCLE IS LUCID WHEN RECOUNTING LIFE STORIES.  I WAS TOTALLY SHAKEN.  

I UNDERSTAND THE GLAMOUR-Ipad

There's a sense of connection with the internet.  It's another false addiction.  For one thing it can spellcheck, it's an instant gratification, it's the illusion of company without any requirements.  No real connection requiring any real response. And the ease. So easy!

People with no experience of connectedness will be enchanted.  They live in families with unspoken contracts.  Their definition of connection.

And the ease of writing.  The false sense of doing, creating that's empty.  Yet it seems real because it takes up space.  The appearance of reality.

And the emojis.  One picture for words.  To easy, too simple.

TEETH OF THE HYDRA

T SHOWS ME WHAT MY LIFE MIGHT HAVE BEEN IF I'D BEEN LEFT IN HAWAII.  HIS FAMILY CONSUMES HIM.

WATCHED MY BLIND BROTHER.  BECAUSE OF GUILT BILL THE OLDER BROTHER TAKES CARE OF HIS YOUNGER BLIND BROTHER WHO'S A JERK.  WHEN THEY WERE KIDS THEY HAD A DIVING CONTEST AND BILL WON WHILE JERK HIT HIS HEAD ON THE BOTTOM OF THE POOL.  THE PARENTS IDOLIZE JERK AND COERCE BILL INTO DOING EVERYTHING JERK WANTS.  JERK WANTS TO DRIVE SO THEY LET HIM.  THEY ENCOURAGE JERK TO DO MARATHONS THAT BILL HAS TO DO ALSO TO GUIDE JERK.  BILL'S LIFE IS SERVICE TO A MEAN AND JEALOUS GOD.  BILL GETS ZERO ACKNOWLEDGMENT FOR HIS ACCOMPLISHMENTS. BILL CAN SEE SO RUNNING 26 MILES IS DISCOUNTED. 

THROUGH A SET OF ACCIDENTS BILL MEETS HIS PERFECT WOMAN.

MY LIFE UNCONSCIOUS.  T'S LIFE NOW.