i'm doing what i know and what i don't know. i'm trying new behaviors. what it means if it has meaning i don't know. i believe in an intelligent universe so i'm trusting. i'm putting one foot after the other. the new exercises seem to be loosening up my frozen muscles. i'm sore and itching in new places. and i'm rationing my nicotine gum. i'm weaning myself. my muscles are softer more normal. i'm sleeping deeply finally after 30 years of nursing the parents. always half listening for the next emergency. a hard habit to break. ptsd.
all my childhood anger is surfacing. i wasn't safe to express any emotion. i'd be punished generating more emotion i couldn't express. imploding was my only recourse. i was forced to shut down all emotion for my physical survival at an emotional cost. my imbalance starts here 18 months old. i had to build a shell like a snail carrying my survival within me.
my fascination with the chambered nautilus living under extreme pressure solitary rising and falling in the currents in the dark. my life.
my exhaustion is holding in all the misery trying to defend my life from the threat of feeling. my toddler self at 18 months. surviving when everyone is so much larger. the spiritual emotional pain. no one to help me. bringing me to mainland from islands to isolate separate from anyone who loved me. auntie Katchan wanted to adopt me. depression as a way of life isn't living.
oh i hurt. doesn't matter why they hated me just that they did.
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