best eve ever

i got up at 8 took my time going to gym, got detoured to library 58 % charge.  i did minimum and back to gym.  i charged chrome while changing, put things in locker and soaked stretched.  shampooed and finally used dryer.  decided to check safe way.  bought 4 mini parfaits and Chinese 2 item meal only 39 cents more than panda and no driving.   used last of gift card.  still only 85 % charged i went back to library.  listened to healing ate almost all noodles, mandarin chicken, sweet sour pork.  left groceries picked up file folders.  

remembered last day lucky's free soda yogurt, walked store.  last day big lots $5 off $15 found freeze dried pineapple and strawberries, great red white black plaid new york laundry hoodie, vitamin c candies. 

i keep thinking it's saturn day.  it's fry day.  my back is popping and crackling.  home 5:30.  ate meatloaf with grits, cooked onion carrot for tomorrow.  ate 2 mini parfait chips dessert. 

mmmmm

sitting eating lunch sunny vale library parking lot.  it's just starting to sprinkle.  i like the cozy sound.  and it seems to make internet connection better.  

i'm watching 'beautiful day' fourth time.  i could watch it all day if i didn't have things to do.  that's how kids learn.  repetition.  i'm retraining myself to attract good people.  i've always gravitated to poison people 'cause that's what i knew.  consciously logically i tried to find healthy people to learn from and emulate but the visceral emotions is where the energy, power lies.  i can change.

being in the library is a neutral place.  i can consider, formulate.  computed, gamed, analyzed how i feel.  gym 2 and home 5 pm.  good days work.  dinner all ready.

wow keeping it together

i started watching mr rogers movie.  i've been afraid of being disappointed.  tom hanks is usually silly.  not a disappointment.  after 15 minutes in i had leg chills.  run away!!  it brought up everything i never had in a father.  my dad never had in a father.  the world i a better place because of fred rogers.  that's what i want a better world.  that's all i ever wanted.                                                                        i did my lunch routine.  computed charged listened to healing at library.  filled water and went to gym.  nob hill more meat loaf.  and this new year will be great.   

seems to be working my energy back

i went to cost co 8:15 am and drove right in and got gas but not good seal so not topped up.  then on to gym 2 shampooed soaked stretched taking my time.  walked safe way for mac nuts and Ritz crackers.  11 so on to seniors.  art all alone i sat and Greg showed up i waited 'til toke came and walked out with her.  drove past main closed.  too rainy to leave groceries st just back to sunny vale library.  returned 'coming to america' borrowed 6.  forgot to check nob hill $5 moon day so went.  frozen meat loaf 32 oz.  nuked ate half with bread and lettuce.  yum.  tygj.  i don't know what i did with mail.  i got excited over grocery ads.  i set them somewhere safe.  and i think i'm ok.  cooked onion potato for tomorrow.

misplaced mail replaced by excited over celebrity wheel-your guess is as good as mine,  i'll never hear the end of this.  

repeat still good.  better than most programs.  i'm ok.

low energy emotional hangover

sitting sunny vale library parked listening to healing.  reopens tomorrow.  i was feeling anxious bach rescue pastilles.  debating on soak stretch.  feeling tired i don't have to.

i cooked sewed and sorted yesterday.  did a little too much couldn't sleep.  i used leftovers to make new.  very satisfying.  63 years of cooking has lost its appeal. 

cathy called noon feeling sick 47 second call.  i prayed for her.  her sister invited then uninvited her.  i know it hurt her feelings.  like when tom's niece did the same to me.   

i'm enjoying the peace and calm processing years of fears of not knowing the level of family violence but always anticipating and ready to run hide.  processing the emotions is my exhaustion.  takes a lot of energy not to run hide anymore.  not to scream and cry or be punished "i'll give you something to cry about".

i just realized i hadn't received my life bill and checked the garage there it was from late fry day.  i took out garbage added from street and recycle bins.

making me laugh, feeling good celebrity wheel of fortune-thousands and thousands of selfies:  jumping jack nicholson.

don't have to be anywhere

sitting s v library healing music.  heavenly.  gaming computing an hour already.  time flying.  it usually crawls.  next gym 2 by shortcut.  so effortless.  and on to Wendy's.  biscuit only served 'til 10:30 and not $1.  i went to burger king 2 jr and 2 fries.  perfect with chili.  dessert strawberry cheerios with quick and almonds.

while in the area big lots sunflower seeds and beets i didn't notice the cancer warning on label i have until 1/23/22 to return.  

best christmas ever.

sunny vale

i did my computing and went to gym 2.  i took a new way.  i didn't realize how small g 2 is.  so easy.  not many people so i parked front row.  shampooed soaked stretched.  i drove to seniors contemplating target Santa Clara.  and tomorrow after gym Wendy's for bacon biscuit b'fast.  or maybe before.  

Inge gave me tin of butter cookie.  i waited 'til 11:30 considering going back to compute or target decided not and home 11:45 'f troop'.  resting.  i'm feeling my rebirth.  

safe way

i was so angry Rena @ Maria so busy flirting with customer before me failed to scan my card.  gypped me out of a dollar.  i have to let it go and bless it.  

i'm getting used to the routine.  

i picked up lunch and directly to s v library.  eating totally supported in comfortable seat in car listening to healing is heaven.  closed tomorrow.  at least i can use internet.  i bought $11 movies for my holiday presents.  looked through an entire box just brought out.

went to target s v closed.  WOW!!

renewed secret

i'm holding my breath.  went to seniors relaxed in a sunny day.  organized in car still no internet.  picked up lunch, toke right behind me.   i put in car and waited for gerde 'til 11:45 no show.  went directly to sunny vale library ate lunch in car listening to healing.  1 pm went in 'til 2:30 pm on to gym 2.  soaked and stretched home 4:15.  just starting to rain.  i don't remember feeling so cold but must have been.  north wind, brr.

i'm feeling so calm naturally.  it's so new and foreign.  i almost burned the ribs.  i heated them microwave 18 minutes medium.  at 15 i checked and they were candied bark.  i let them cool.  no waste, all bits rendered to crunchy goodness.  with 2 toasted croissants and last tamale.

i've had a cold.

for the past 3 days i felt off.  sore spots around my tongue that lasted only hours.  so i didn't recognize the symptoms until this morning my stuffy nose i thought was allergies.  didn't go away with herb so i tried c and i had a cold.  

i went to seniors couldn't use chrome internet connection problem.  lunch they were late opening so i walked park stretched.  back ok.  picked up lunch drove to main to have Darryl fix connection.  Paul tried but locked out.  said i could use it in sunny vale and yes, city problem only.  

ate lunch 1 pm parking lot and went in.  charged chrome, gamed, listened to healing.  bored filled water, decided nob hill half rack ribs and 5 tamales came home 3 pm.  ate 2 ribs 3 tamales.  yum.  

i added cleaner to softener and pressed light display to rest warning.  started flashing 17th to 21 installation 4 month period.  i have 2 extra bottles cleaner.  next time i know.  sears was much sturdier.  oh, well.

spent hour looking for pge bill to pay and i did it last week.  i finally looked in paid.  i can imagine the family 'oh, you'.

what a life.  i'm still ready to go.

noon my first nicotine gum

woke 6:30 knowing i needed water softener cleaner at some point.  so i went to lucky's first for free soda still thinking about it.  burger king b'fast 2 bacon croissant, 2 coffee, 2 hash browns $5.46.  walked over gave homeless coffee 3 sugars and hash 3 ketchup he wanted cream i told him i had to go.  shocked me.  ptsd my family never satisfied demanding more from me.  punishment, humiliation.

feeling disoriented i got lost going to home depot.  asked, on cleaner aisle 45 i couldn't find it.  back to customer service waited for associate, it was there all along i just couldn't see it.  bought 3 @ self check added receipt to manual.  autism overload.  so much unfamiliar stuff confusing.  my familiar mess comforting camouflage from sisters stealing my things.  

sitting in car in front sv library enjoying my croissant, hash, coffee.  today's word 'joy' i'm learning what it feels like in joy.  back totally supported in comfort.  went into library charged chrome listening to healing.  uh oh, chrome froze.  i successfully turned off on reset major tabs.  

i went to gym 2 at 4 pm.  soaked and stretched.  home 5:45 the opposite of working nights putting myself and ex through college.  i ate second croissant and hash, called paid discover.  cooked onion potato egg cheese for b'fast tomorrow.  

wow!

woo hoo!!

i couldn't have planned it better.  i started on my way to gym 2 at 10 am 45 degrees.  i let car warm up well.  found parking front row.  shampooed, soaked stretched 15 minutes.  took my time dressing.  thought of picking up lunch Wendy's wrong street.  stopped burger king noon 2/1.  gave one to homeless in lot.  went back way to Benton to Kiely to homestead past st just at 1 no line.  picked up meal gift cards to safe way choice lucky's or smart final.  on to main returned and picked up movies, charged chrome, gamed.  listened to healing and came home.  perfect.

used to be fry days.  the water softener started flashing.  and all my ptsd chemicals triggered, cascading through my body!  panic, deer caught in the headlights.  impending doom.  i took a deep breath and my brain racing what i need to do.  critical path management.  glasses to see instructions, light to see inside cover,  add cleaner, need solution from home depot, where and when.  where did i put booklet?  slowly i calm myself.  mom and dad always panicked tearing and rending all around them.  the example i lived with all my childhood.  the genetic connection denied.  it's not the end of the world.  breathe.  

must be me

check engine light like 2 weeks ago Kiely x Monroe.  39 o s.  8:15 Carlos Hernandez on phone loan repayment terms.  after he reset computer i gave him $20 for lunch Merry Christmas.  i just want him to know i appreciate.

i'm feeling very insecure.  i don't know what i want to do.  just finished lunch.  lucky's free Karoun spreadable yogurt.  nothing at safe way ad.  i'm looking online since i didn't get them in the mail.  and i'm ok.  a little annoyed and still ok.  i just feel so tired.  

my hips are always better after exercising.  i may be having mini strokes.  today i can spell.  some days it takes me awhile to figure out some words but that could be my autism.  or being distracted.  

watching Christmas movies i know i'd rather be by myself than with my insane sisters or annoyed by anyone.  i can be and have exactly what i want without being criticized or humiliated or embarrassed.  peace.

stayed up to watch 'generation a' 2014 each of us unique.  that's one thing they got right.  i'm binge-ing autism.  

mary-el

6:30 lucid dream of India 12 yr old boy with broken back in bed.  i visit him with his younger brother and sister to say stretches will heal him.  he laments he lost herbs i say he doesn't require it.

one of 3 visions i had from 1985.  i died 3 times from back injuries.  in India being ridden down by messengers,  south sea island shark, in Britain battle by broadsword.  

i watched 'now you see it' and ate egg omelet.  watched news and 'sit and stretch'.  dressed and to seniors.  showered, stretched, book mobile.  picked up lunch sat said hello to table and Walter came with diorama present.  i asked him to carry and we put in car.  i snacked beef stick and we went fireside room talking 'til 1.  my right hip screaming i took willow.  Walter kept rambling avoiding saying anything.  i kept him on track.  he walked me to my car i gave him red robin gift card for Christmas.  1:30 home i ate lunch and eventually stretched enough for my hip to settle.  

the planner i picked up is another moon calendar.  i wrote out dental bill so i'm in good shape for next year.   

so much tension

it started at birth.  my folks fighting.  family secrets.  always on alert.

i forcefully, consciously relax my body and exhale.  my stomach upset.

1:25 music starts.  

lunch is so pleasant in the car with my music.  toke stopped to say hi.  i remembered her house number hurrah!  she wanted to take her card.  i made out my cards , stamped them and forgot to go by the post office.  i love gaming.  

dollar is now dollar .25

i went and stocked up local store.  did my routine and ladies auxiliary lunch of best stuffing i ever ate, roasted red potatoes, turkey slices, cranberry, roll, pumpkin pie bar.  the table helen complained of stuffing.  go figure.  toke got great parking despite the crowd.  hurrah!!

i noticed next year otc walmart book different back brace i want old one.  i called eduardo got cut off so online i think i ordered 2 braces, 4 h2o2.  we'll find out if it arrives Thor day.  i used #item not description it came right up, magically appeared.  i put it on discover.

don't know what

chrome froze i shut it down and i'll deal tomorrow.  i recovered my blog.  hanging out at sunny vale library before it rains.  i got to gym 2 just as it stopped.  i'm feeling so lethargic.  must be the hamburger.  i'm eating half lb a day since fry day.  i am sleeping soundly.  sat day i stayed in bed 'til 10 and rested all day.    

came home 4 pm.  i couldn't tell if i felt tired.  i used their computer and listened to healing 3 hours.  i put out garbage and recycle.  thank goodness still light enough dad's wiring needs hour half to dry out.  he scared me standing on their cheap sagging dining table changing florescent  bulbs.  he kept insisting it was the fixture when it was obvious to me it was the wiring.  

pray for caregivers-dw

while i was setting up to eat in car Walter came so i opened trunk so he could sit on camp chair.  inside senior center i paid city online charged chrome.  he enjoyed sitting in fireplace room.  we talked 'til 2 when i came home to cook onion carrot potato to add to soup.  watched musicals.  restful.

page wouldn't open

so yesterday i picked up lunch early.  went to st just pantry no line.  whole frozen chicken i didn't want to cook.  and fruit, canned.  i still have last month's frozen drumsticks.  came home ate lunch felt ok called Raymond took braces and extra groceries i sorted in trunk.  he stared ranting about Kaiser so i left went to Walmart for gum, clearance and pecan pie.  brought in what i wanted squash, baked beans etc.  cooked ate cauliflower.  

i considered coming 10 but let my body lead.  so here i am.  i remembered prop tax and looked for senior exemption school county i already get.  fee is applied by each so i paid half.   doing due diligence.  i offered toke the pie she only wanted the kiwi.  more pie for me.  

i computed 'til 2:30 stretched 'til 2:50 changed taking my leisure.  arrived early office has wifi- HappyTeeth.  jen cleaned and polished. $35.

called eye app 1-17-2023

dr mark soonest.  $2450 yearly exam w/o insurance.  dentist tomorrow 4 pm.

i don't know.  all this new behavior setting off autism alarm bells.

walter remembered

he brought me chocolate covered marshmallow and chocolate bars.  he's so funny and sweet.  he made a special trip.  he knocked on car window as i was eating lunch listening to healing.  it's working.  we talked 'til 2 wandering the center.  then i bought meatloaf @ nob hill and 2 clearance 99 cent spray veg wash.  

sunny vale library-GLOBAL WARMING IS ALL ABOUT MANKIND CONSUMING ITSELF-WAKE UP PEOPLE!!!

i'm stressing out.  i watched fighting on the tv while dressing at gym 2.  what a waste of energy.  i'd enjoy these healthy buff young men building a house or doing anything constructive that adds value to the planet.  i find sports boring.  when we had a world where physical prowess was important like roman gladiators 2000 years ago it was sensible.  but today the shame of the handicapped is all based on an outdated obsolete notion that only the physically fit add value to society.  with technology that's crazy.

1960's we called it conspicuous consumption.  so we've known a while.  consumption is what they called tuberculosis.

my back

i woke knowing what i've been doing wrong.  i forgot Thomas Hanna studying how babies grow muscles.  they stretch and rest.  stretch and rest.  i've been beating myself up like mom did to me expecting crazy results.  i'm letting go of the self judgment.  

i soaked at gym 2.  my right foot is so sore i can barely walk.  better after i stretched.  found a wells Fargo visa card on side walk tried to get mail man to take it to bank, not on his route.  debated where to leave it started to safe way some branch inside when owner came around corner looking for it.  whew!!  more clearance croissants and tahini.

i always notice things.  half a dozen people milling around and i'm the only one who saw it.

sunny vale library discovered 'i survived...' series.  bears, no wolves.  home for lunch and 'concentration.'

even earlier

doing new yesterday gives me hope.  today driving to seniors check engine light came on i called Carlos he was busy 'til after lunch perfect.  i showered, exercised, computed added freebie, picked up lunch talked to toke.  ate in car listening to healing.  called good time for Carlos.  he reset computer maybe O2 sensor or i didn't let it warm up it was so warm this foggy morning.  could be the bad air quality.  probably bad air quality.  i gave him apple and extra milk from lunch.

so i went to college safe way iceberg lettuce $.98.  found 2 new bottles Kirkland water.  i remembered Coleman cost co gas mile and half.  filled up although long lines tough maneuvering through lot.  then i stopped seniors to reset chrome.  on to pay Citibank and pick up lucky's freebie Laird veg creamer and health warrior oatmeal, clearance $.99 baby salad mix.  said hi to Cathy.  home 2 pm.

i can't believe how much i accomplished.  

slept to 'poirot'

new behavior always riles me up.  woke feeling restless.  so i went to work early.  sat in the car and marked closed library days.  

i'm feeling a little depressed

first of the month blues.  i mailed life ins. banked chase.  and yet i have no feeling of accomplishment.  no satisfaction.  home 1 pm 'gigi' a musical of an intended courtesan marrying.  i don't understand.  i don't need to i just need to let it go.

i said hello to table and gerda misplaced her meds she just bought so i went to her car and found them.  i know that sinking feeling.  so i'm home resting with my feelings.  tomorrow big day of help.  ride to check up.  

i experienced 2 body quakes while totally relaxed watching 'Poirot', 'the labors of Hercules'.  she was the ultimate predator camouflaged.  scary.  like my sisters.  the first body quake was like the opposite of a stab, a surge of energy radiating out in a 3 dimensional wave.  almost bounced me from the bed.  the second was still startling.  nothing like it before.

returned tom call

i exercised and stretched early.  said hi to table and toke, ate my lunch in car listening to healing.  decided to try calling tom.  i expected to get v mail but he picked up.  he kept saying he was worried.  said he'd call me back he was going back to work.  we'll see.  not holding my breath.  i'm living my autism.  

got home 12:30 watched 'medium.  heated quorn and soup.  i was still hungry from tiny lunch.  getting smaller and smaller.  added chicken and can corn to soup.  

rested watching 'poirot'.  

dreading the new

my autism?  for the first time i enjoyed thanks break.  it gave me time to just be without criticism.  and yet the new behavior of getting a ride to my check up comes with fear.  i was always punished for most of my life and i'm afraid the habituated behavior will cause me to punish myself.  may be what Cathy is doing with her stomach problems.  

i'm ok earth is saying #me too

when mankind rapes the planet the results are global warming, covid, swine flu, bird flu, ebola, sars and it will continue until the ignorant builders learn to change the planet with respect. 

i went to sunny vale and detoured to dollar store.  from there i decided to go to gym 1.  

i decided on main

i went to library to return movie that wouldn't play and borrowed 'Waltons' finally.  i looked for 'Spencer's Mountain' no one has it.  i considered going to gym and as i drove past st j picked up 2 bags of groceries.  liquid smoke leaked strong smell.  i started going to gym and remembered freebie egg bites at lucky's and bought broccoli.  i forgot stamps again.  so i came home, put away food watched 'concentration'.  i decided i can go to gym tomorrow.  i don't want to drive.  

watching 'all about eve' is about human predators who never feel love or compassion.  they lie and manipulate to acquire what they believe will make them happy but they are never happy.  happiness isn't in things.  material things are only symbols.  they don't feel love and compassion so they are never able to feel happy.  they hate and envy anyone who is happy.

capitalism is a predator system.  the most successful predators acquire the most money without regard for the results of their actions.  they destroy what stands in their way.

discombobulated

i thought yesterday was sat day because seniors closed.  soaking in the hot tub relaxed me and talking with Walter for hour and half distracted me.  so i forgot 'wheel' bonus puzzle entry until i was watching a new 'jeopardy' 7 pm.  and i didn't feel guilty or stupid when i remembered it was Thursday.  big win.

and today i decided to watch original 'concentration' and 'now you see it' 6-7 am 'classic concentration' 10 am. 'f troop' 11, noon 'medium' 'til 1.  then i went to s v library for internet before 'wheel' 2 pm cut off.  it was too slow for computing and gaming so i went to gym 2 and soaked stretched, home by 3.  i carved turkey.  my stomach upset at all the croissants i'm eating.  my rheumatoid arthritis keeps me from over indulging.

back on track

i don't know.  messages are showing up that have nothing to do with what i'm doing.  yesterday's page wouldn't open and i bought chocolate croissant ate 2 toasted.  so good.  today i bought clearance bear claw bites and minis.  and a half already roasted turkey breast.  at seniors i called to check gift cards having been disappointed by my family and friends so so many many times i don't trust.  and i still have $6.29 on card.  i called care more for benefits and scheduled ride to yearly check up next month.  i get 2 free round trips and unlimited doctors' uber trips.

yesterday i found tom's moon day v mail when i charged phone and usage alert.  i'll call 27th phone time reset.  when i think of all the times i rescued him and all the times he let me down i feel irritated.  he wanted me to need him and failed me so so many many times.  

i realized i can nuke veg and brown in toaster oven for roasted flavor without time the way i used to cook dad's potatoes.  

alien and Cathy hated reading their journals while i've enjoyed seeing how much i've accomplished.  i never thought i'd live past 16.  mom threatened to kill me so so many times.  once would have been enough.  mom loved alien the liar manipulator.  makes me wonder if Cathy is the replacement.  she admitted she moved to Hawaii expecting a big inheritance.  i wasn't paying attention.

thanks 11/25-i watched classic concentration and went to gym 2 planning to leave 12:30 to get to St Clare by 1.  i got there early and as i walked up to a line Walter came around the corner.  we talked 'til 2:30.  so i didn't compute.  i came straight home with small turkey, stuffing, cranberry, roll, cookie, veg.  glad i didn't take 2.  they ran out of food.  

Walter is missing his dad.  i'm blessed i don't miss the wolf pack.

feels like sat day so i forgot wheel until watching a new jeopardy.  so i didn't die from my mistake.  i'm ok.  

had to go back

i shampooed, showered, exercised, stretched then upstairs to compute and game.  "let go, let god" i picked up lunch.  i suddenly love playing mah-jongg.  fry day i played 2 hours straight.  

toke is better.  the back issue kept her heavy she's looking thinner and walking better despite the pain.  she used to have that obese rolling gait.

Eddie Murphy marathon; 'golden child' 1 pm, 'Pluto Nash' 3, 'meet Dave' 5.  Heaven.

i returned s v library overdue no fee

that's one good pandemic thing.  wow, huge line for 10 am book sale.  hope it makes us wiser.  daily word 'free' i didn't decide to come 'til 9.  dressed and here i am.  i'm wearing tights not skirt or dress.  i spent the entire time with parents constantly planning critical path management.  my childhood.  how to avoid disaster.

i came in checked for Kelly Howell none.  looking up 'riptide' marathon this week i encountered Kelly Preston died of breast cancer didn't return to Hawaii for treatment.  why?

strong signal slow computer response time.  air traffic?  i may be here awhile.  i wanted to soak gym 2.  i have all the time in the world.  it's pch i got a message.

11:43 air conditioner finally kicking in.  i checked again for healing found ukulele how to decided home for lunch and 'concentration'.  2:15 i decided st just pantry pick up given choice of turkey chose gift cards.  home i put away 1 bag.  45 minutes total.  

i cooked onion potatoes added tuna.  with broccoli and cornbread i forgot i bought last weekend.  unopened still great.  b'fast was cornbread, broccoli, chicken enchilada soup.

sun 11/21-ok i did too much.  i kept waking up stiff and sore every few hours.  i'd stretch watching movies until i'd sleep to wake a few hours later to stretch.  so i didn't get up 'til 8 to eat not hungry but needing to fuel my body.  taking care of me.  heat 2 min potato tuna broccoli cornbread.  lunch toast micro eggs.  i whip 2 with chop sticks nuke 2 minutes.  even tho' i ate b'fast late at 11:30 my stomach or maybe my back telling me time to eat lunch.

Raymond Maes called re St clare dinner and back brace. i told him to go to Walmart.  he has Kaiser now.  we talked for an hour.  he believes Rose Marie the liar and wants to visit her.  she's looking for a free driver.  he got my number from Gerde such a good predator.  she's never called me.  

$7.55 recycle and 20/20 Diane Sawyer

i emptied my trunk for st just dinner pick up this weekend.  so i showered exercised early.  computed gamed 'til 11.  picked up lunch sat in car ate listening to healing saw toke.  all's right with the world.  went to lucky's free cookie dough.  home and rest.  cooked 19 oz frozen fish.  ate it all up.  yum.  i checked out garage freezer food burned so gradually to the garbage.  i've decided buy food for one week only.  

i decided to pay discover and found Cathy called twice to thank me for card.  i'm delighted i can watch my shows and return call guilt free.  i've never felt so free.  when family called only needed something and third degree torture.  Cathy has done more for me in 3 years i've known her than 70 years my entire family.  she and toke my real family.

20/20 the strange case of 14 abused children that went on for 30 years and how predators continue.  they are obsolete.  the animals have been seen and a few prosecuted. 

took care of business

yesterday i spent 2 half hours talking with Walter.  i'm holding my energy.  frequently getting involved means taking on their energy that's how i survived my family.  i process energy.  like living here.  renewing the energy here.

at seniors i showered exercised regular routine.  4 new movies bookmobile.  ate lunch in car listening to healing didn't see toke.  i went to walmart to pay p g e and buy nicotine gum and h2o2.  i stood in line at pharmacy no key sent to customer service stood in line.  sent back to pharmacy.  waited 'til someone appeared and  back standing in line pharmacy where wouldn't ring up.  waited 'til clerk figured it out.  finally done.

home i couldn't believe it was only 1:30.  seemed like it took forever.  i rested ate chili squash corn with whole bread.  napped read magazines rested.  i found 2 packages dove chocolates. 

my right knee hurts when i sit and my right temple.  the nerves are coming back online.

peace and plenty

people are reverting to pre-pandemic behavior.  

i forgot to wash masks

i already planned on another load soon.  wonderful uneventful day.  i love being.  i used to feel unfulfilled without a lot of doing.  

i showered, exercised, computed, picked up lunch talked with toke.  she's still suffering with leg.  i offered dad's cane in the car but she said too tall.  i must have given the floral cane away.  the 3 others are the same height.  

dropped card post office suddenly remembered last day free frozen pizza safe way college store had clearance butter croissants too.  home baked ate 3 meat pizza and lunch lettuce salad.  opened drained canned mushrooms good.  didn't need to open sliced black olives or pineapple.  i ate senior lunch r b sandwich for dinner.  

i'm watching movies i have.  'wholley moses' irreverent film has john ritter died stomach aneurism, richard pryor had so many problems.  cast seemed doomed.  

turned out good

i took my time loading laundry and seniors i showered computed and exercised.  free pizza safe way.  i waited to pick up lunch put in car and went upstairs for games.  after 2 hours i went to wash.  no parking in back i parked front and ate my lunch.  creamed chicken.  home for 'love boat'.

the news makes me laugh.  the space station is threatened by the junk they've dumped.  humans can be so dumb thinking they're smart.  they're astronauts not rocket scientists to believe they can disrespect outer space with no repercussions.  littering in space.  

i ferried in the wet laundry on my wheeled bucket.  hanging the equivalent of 3 loads done in no time wearing my back brace protecting myself.  that's so cool going to laundromat.  washing 3 loads in 23 minutes not hours.    

i ate mac cheese and patty.  and i'm relaxing.  

awake early raring to go-fri

seniors loaded free lucky's drink.  went thru' e mails, showered exercised.  did too much yesterday couldn't find shirt.  then it was in bag.  Trudy have me dried persimmon while we were nu-stepping.  upstairs gamed early.  picked up lunch ate in car waiting for toke to give her glucosamine.  she said she has some home.  i take it every day.  when alien stole mine for Dale Stone i hurt more.  

went to lucky's 2 x points bought chips and slivered almonds.  then america tire air pressure check Blanco did immediately and on to cup library pick up 'golden child' and 'meet Dave'.  i borrowed 'coming to america' from sunny vale yesterday.  an Eddie Murphy marathon.  

i ate some of everything and gave myself nausea.  probably the chips and dried persimmon.  i'm sipping the free grapefruit drink.  it works.

sat 11-13 i woke 4:30.  i put on brace heated rice and meatloaf for b'fast cooked diced onions.  added cubed zucchini, let cool added drained beans and can corn.  complete protein for lunch.  i guess that what succotash is supposed to be.  i peeled cubed carrot.  so sweet.  i'm resting.   

sun 11-14 oops i forgot to publish and open new page.  i leisurely went to gym 2 and soaked.  normal sweating 2 bottles water.  too early for library i checked $tore but lack of product due to pandemic cargo problems, no burritos or c cough drops.  drove to library still early.  sat in car.  had to pee went to sprouts and inari sushi 4/$3.99.  lunch.  3 clearance supplements for hangover morning after.  home for rest pacing myself and watching 'concentration.'  warmed sushi.  remembered i'm out of bread.  double points lucky's.  returned by 4:45 in time for 'love boat'.  perfectly imperfect.

i'm still sweating

got to gym 2 about 8 am, shampooed and soaked half hour hot, then cold, again hot.  felt so good stretching effortlessly.  i took my time dressing sweating profusely then reclined just enough room with feet against wall.  oh, so good.  sunny vale library back to normal layout still masked.  new computers but don't want to take a chance of timid google locking me out.  

i borrowed a cookbook on avocados that has a zucchini bake recipe.  i have a large zuke from st just pantry.  i drained corn added to can chili chopped zucchini simmered microwave.  so delicious and complete protein.  after 3 helpings i napped an hour.  probably the 2 half hours sweating wrung me out.  lots of toxins released.  my Louise Hay affirmations.   

i'm following spirit

i read Louise Hay to sleep doing the affirmations.  4:30 am i watched special features for Wonder Woman 1984.  i decided to watch the movie even tho' i don't like fighting.  i abhor arguing.  so much of comedy is yelling and berserk behavior.  i like clever creative.  jokes are going along a trail and taking a 90 o turn.  

i went to seniors early.  showered dressed computed exercised.  went upstairs to game and following spirit i picked up lunch 11:15 and Gloria in passing said st Clare giving take out thanksgiving noon-2.  i said hello to table my new social skill.  

i decided to go to st just since tomorrow holiday.  sign ups for thanksgiving and Christmas.  pickup drive thru' weekend before 9-noon.  2 bags groceries 1 veg fruit.  took an hour bring inside and put away.  no fresh meat canned tuna and chicken.  whew!!  i still have 8 frozen drumsticks.  i don't like cooking i like eating.  

dst smoothly

i love the extra hour.  i'm better at living relaxed.  i went and filled gas.  i remembered.  $4.159.  up 16 cents from last month. 

b'fast i ate roll and chicken Asian dressing.  tasted weird.  i prefer BBQ.  @ seniors i called OTC to order from Sonja.  no longer taking discover for overage so i ordered 3 back braces.  58 cents left.  i showered dressed to exercise and no shoes.  i must have left them fry day, not in car or bag.  i checked lost and found nothing.  i picked up lunch.  sat in car to check discover for gift subscription and no record so i called customer service Becky.  i had to re submit.  i'm being gentle with myself.  

i have to remind myself to drink lots of water.  i think it the only thing keeping me healthy.

8:25 am

i'm still learning to take my time.  after a lifetime of being driven old habits take time to reprogram.  i ate sliced banana in milk for b'fast not setting well.  

so many become addicts to drugs, behaviors, stupidity in an effort to ignore and deny the dysfunction of old programming that no longer works in a constantly changing world.

fascists hold on out of fear of survival.  they generate anger to deny fear.

i sent auntie thank card.  i can wait on Cathy.  maybe i have b'day card big enough for auntie's book mark magnifier.  

seniors i'm sitting listening in car you tube healing and eating weird mexican meatball lunch.  chopped spinach with weird steamed cabbage carrot red bell pepper melange.  i like sitting here watching the people.  if only my hips didn't hurt.

drove to college safe way redeemed $5 for 8 clearance croissant.  on to pay citibank and redeem lucky's free yogurt and bottle water.  used rain check for ginger ale.  tired and happy i went to chase but main atm down so i withdrew half.  and home toke left 12 cost co butter croissant.  i'm rich!  i ate 4 for dinner and dessert.  napped 2 half hours.  ate free low sugar yogurt and free water.  eh.  i used to save for later.

11-6 sat-the new me @ noon.  i've been up since 5:30 ate roll with soup, organized supplements for next week.  i considered gym, what i want today.  i'm gentle with myself.  i don't want to drive.  i wanted to order otc charged my phone.  Cathy called yesterday 3:33 i returned call.  she went to emergency 3 times just anemic.  more doctors and tests.  

11-7 sun-still don't want to drive.  i want to clear and fix gutter.  not now.  i'm gentle with myself.  the years i forced myself out of bed to haul ladders and take care of house kept me sick and pain filled.  i took out garbage and recycle.  next door left is taking all the parking.  if i leave i may not have a spot to come back to.  i'll fill gas tomorrow.  my right temple is hurting but my neck shoulder is more relaxed.  wheel makes me feel better.  and willow.

i'm having more fun

i have a good routine going.  i got to seniors 9:50 and visited bookmobile first.  talking to Cody about magnets i realize gravity is magnetism on a denser scale.  fascinating.

then shower listening to healing.  i can open chrome and leave on ledge.  charged and wheeled.  site wouldn't work yesterday.   mail preview auntie wrote.  i'm so excited.  means she's ok.  so i came home directly.  

she wrote she got ged.  she couldn't attend high school working for family.  i admire and respect how much harder it must have been.  she said reading reader's digest taught her.  even more impressive.  self taught like lincoln.

my back and hips still hurt from all that driving.  feeling nausea i'm eating fruit drops.  under the nausea i feel pinched hip nerves through abdomen.  

hard to listen in pain

yesterday i focused on my meeting.  came home after college safe way free pizza pick up.  cooked on foil.  ate tiny chicken mole lunch and pizza.  brushed my teeth, lay down 'til 3, dressed, drove San Tomas to Hamilton half hour despite weather.  early i sorted papers.  checked in.  

hour and half sitting in hard chairs excruciating.  on survey i suggested break halfway through.  dr coyle started with pain level survey so he knew most of us were in pain.  i don't understand.  is he a sadist?  doesn't encourage me.

i couldn't keep sitting drove to corner good will walked the store felt better.  checking in with my back and energy i picked up nicotine gum.  whew!

so tired.  left side of my face and ear so ticklish it's annoying.  right side is feverish and sore.  taking willow helps.  left index finger hurts sharp pain.  pinched nerves.

beginning of month blues

i'm feeling sad.  mom made me feel being born was a mistake.  

i took a look at gutter again and it isn't fastened to all eaves.  so much for gutter guys co.  i've been thinking about gutter guards.  leaf filters isn't the only way to go.  a mesh tube would work too.  and be easily removable.  

i couldn't play wheel the site didn't work.  i think i ordered daily words for auntie and Cathy, i hope.  

living in love

fixing the gutter from guilt or shame defeats the work.  and i learned from the family only guilt and shame.  no wonder their unhappiness in never enjoying the doing.  separate from them i took pleasure in feeling accomplished, strong and capable.  they ostracized me.  nothing i could do about their rejection.  in their backward way they saved me.  i had to do and learn on my own without their influence.  

doing, creating, making from love energy rebounds in feeling satisfaction nurturing oneself.  newton's equal opposite action reaction.  

seniors loaded freebies and went to prune ridge lucky's.  talked to Cathy got rain check.  no sanitizers college homestead safe way bought 12 soup.  

right side of skull hurting probably 2014 whiplash contra coup fall when my right leg collapsed and i hit the ground i.e. concrete porch apron.  glad it wasn't raining i lay there 10 minutes wondering if i should call 911 but gathering strength i picked myself up.  kaiser gave me a cane.  

sat Oct 30-woke 5 took my time.  rain gutter still preying on my mind.  i have to ignore it.  it's just stuff.  i decided to look for free safe way sanitizer.  none college and homestead.  tried maria and gym 2.  soaked 20 min dressed slowly clipped nails.  went back to safe way to use remodeled bath room waited in line.  i said to woman behind me if everyone got vaccinated we wouldn't need masks or lines.  she said the vaccine is an excuse to microchip everyone.  i told her it would cost trillions.  she said the pandemic was made in a lab.  crazy.  i ignored her.  

i debated sv or cup library went to cup safe way no freebie but clearance wipes dollar 40.  sitting in car i decided to mail insurance enough for one day.  home to watch 'medium' not my favorite episode i ate soup for lunch and last toke roll.  

remembered back seminar 2nd called rsvp and toke thanks for lead and rolls from cost co just right amount butter.  talked 39 min.  

i'm successfully consciously dealing with obsessive compulsive.  

sun Oct 31-forgot it was Halloween.  cut some tree at 9 am using pruner and stick saw i taped together.  too hot and sunny.  picked up fruit.  if i work in 10 min bits and rest i think i can do it.  i do love doing.  makes me feel strong.  i don't understand people who just talk.  

didn't want to drive wanted to soak in hot tub.  drove to lucky's expressway tons of teddy's ginger ale, clearance pork bits, 2 almonds 3x points.  and i'm done.

watching celebrity wheel makes me laugh happy!

SHAME

the last piece of the puzzle?  i hope and pray.  i know mom was always ashamed of her mom.  divorced to emigrate, starting over in a new world.  how brave is that.  mom saw it as shameful.  mom loved diminishing me by recounting stories of me as a baby.  how i disliked putting my dirty diapers in the bin, she said i was retarded walking and talking late.  everyone carried me.  i had aunts, uncles, cousins waiting on me.  they loved me.  she constantly emphasized being retarded and her amazement when i tested gifted in school.  and i was punished for good grades.  my sisters were lauded.                                                      this year with soc sec i won't qualify for fcc program stipend.  tygj.  i still want to get a therapist.  i need a sounding board.                                                                                    shame is in my stomach.  now i understand why sometimes my stomach muscles spasm.  vibrating like butterflies beating their wings.  i've never felt the diminishing so clearly before.  back to toddler me.     

  

 

i've had my shower

remembering when i first came seniors 2009?  i could barely move.  just changing clothes was all i could manage.  i'd do a little and rest all the time hearing the family in my head browbeating me.

i've been a tortured soul.  it amuses the family still.  i exercised stretched picked up lunch.  Cathy sent more fcc internet info.  

i feel terrified.  i've never felt this before thru my very bones.  i just want to jump out of my skin.  i want my distractions to take me away.  getting to the cellular level.

i went to credit union Phebe talked me through it.  she called ira dept.  suggested liquid money market.  i can rollover later.  minimum withdrawal extended to next year.

scary stuff

forgot to open page and went back.  took over an hour slow check in.  i had to get vax card from car good i kept it there.  and then she had me wait more before she gave me standard form to check and sign.  silly little girl.  Robert from Trader Joe got there hour early signed in and waited an hour too.  

Lydia finally gave me booster and was going to dismiss me.  i scheduled flu and she checked then gave me in other arm.  i get manic after shot.  adrenaline rush.  

i returned to seniors to reopen page.  

2 months 'til xmas

whenever fear or anxiety present i'm doing my affirmations.  i can't believe how easy it is to change my chemistry by changing my thoughts.  watching 'mom' nothing changes if nothing changes so i'm changing my response to feeling stressed.  i'm using my energy differently.  i'm using it to raise my vibrations thereby the planet.  

somehow i manage to shrink my pages into the chrome icon.  

after picking up lunch and talking to toke i sat, listened to you tube and found my ira letter and found the Walgreen's phone number online.  i called and booked vaccine for tomorrow 12:40.  then i went to credit union to book an appointment for 27th.  i mistakenly thought it matured 17th.  

Cathy d sent the fcc internet papers and toke gave me postcard for pain management.

right hip so pain filled

nausea makes me feel tired and sad.  

i took my time driving to seniors.  very wet and rainy today.  more worries gutters a mess, yard.  oh, well.  today daily word 'let go, let god'.  i'm doing what i can.  showered exercised stretched hip feels better.  ate citrus drops all day for nausea like 1972.  such a disappointing time in my life.  first year of a nightmare marriage i felt trapped.  commitment manic.  i guess i couldn't admit it was a horrible mistake and in my arrogance i thought i could fix it.  so i wasted 13 years of my life.    well, not wasted.  i researched relationships the most enlightening Harville Hendrix and Gay and Kaitlyn Hendricks marriage counselors.  i must have read a thousand books.  at least.  

5:45 toke knocked on the front door left sushi.  i was wondering what to have for dinner.  i watched the ads on tv hamburgers, chicken, i didn't want to drive.  i had nuked a cup of brown rice and she provided dinner.  i waited to call and she called me.  i thanked her and shared that her concern for her aunt with dementia was slowly getting ready to pass over.  i said toke didn't talk to her deceased parents and she agreed.  i told her physics states energy is never lost only changes form.  that our life energy is a form of electrical energy readable by machines and when we pass we become pure energy vibrating at a higher immeasurable rate.  they can lower their vibrations to appear in our dreams.  i shared the dream i drove mom and dad in a car around the islands.  that's why we dream.  we visit the other side.  toke's aunt has been talking with toke's deceased dad, her brother.   tokes concerned it's dementia.  i shared Evelyn and George Gerraci his year of dementia after a long successful loving marriage and how 2 successive nights he woke her at 3 am talking to deceased relatives before he passed the 3rd night.  loving relations come to help cross over.

sat 10/23-i'm taking gentle care of myself.  i woke 3:30 knowing and waiting for an epiphany.  that's the epiphany.  i'm learning to be gentle with myself.  and  i can forgive my family for living in denial.  it hurts to watch them hurting themselves thinking they're ok and i'm not.  as long as i hold that thought i hurt myself.

sun 24-my skull and right neck so tight and sore i'm nauseous.  i'm taking willow.  right eye socket so sore and blurring.  massaging base of skull and right temple helps for awhile and then it's back.   the pinch travels.  

3 pm a break in the rain i put out garbage and recycle.  i picked up fruit put in shower to dry.  the leaf stuffed gutter is pulling away from garage roof and i can rejoice.  there's always going to be something and this is minor.  wow new response.  i'm rereading 2017 edition 'you can heal your life'.  good stuff.  affirmations raise my energy and therefor the energy of the planet.  my passion purpose is to leave the world a better place than when i came here.

i want to live my best life

daily word 'dream'.  i don't know 'wheel' is malfunctioning.  page won't refresh.  refrigerator on its last legs.  

i'm having physical, psychic, mental and emotional flashbacks as infant and toddler.  mom slapping, hitting me.  alien sticking me with pins, burning me with matches.  mom burning  traumatizing me.  

i definitely want a heavenly life.

nausea

i've been to $tore for vitamin c and mastic.  can't find the little one with cap.  found 3 movies.  

my body feels so tired.  i showered exercised computed and picked up lunch.  toke is socializing me.  i visited gang with her.  

came home noon intent on quality rest.  watched 'mom' and slept 2 hours.  i feel more peaceful.  or maybe exhausted.

nausea was one of the first symptoms 1972 along with foot pain and migraines.  

caught up in the drama i forgot to reopen page

yesterday i went to college safe way for 99 cent soup 8, bread 3.99, 4 cheese 1.99, free pizza.  

healing takes a lot of energy.  it's taken 20 years to remodel 50 years of scar tissue.  my bunion on left foot is healed.  my right is getting there.  the pain, tingling, throbbing is improving.  as muscles relax and heal old memories are released.  

my pelvis must have shattered muscles holding everything in place building scar tissue to reinforce area.  so now the scar tissue has to break down to repair and rebuild the area correctly.  

went seniors early

computed at fireplace desk waiting for locker room to clear.  9 am showered exercised charged and listened to chrome.  too slow, i went upstairs to use city computer.  loaded free seltzer water lucky's and free pizza safe way.  picked up lunch 11:30 talked to toke gave her my copy auntie's la ronde restaurant article from Hawaii.  she gave me fence replace lead.  i don't know if i want a fence unless it's cyclone i've always wanted.

i went to safe way bought 2 clearance shrimp zucchini noodle salads twice the price i expected wrong price tag and 6 oz rice crackers.  considered returning but i'm worth it.  drove to Sara- lucky's walked store only seltzer.  talked to self check clerk Cathy.  

i remembered i wanted to pay consumer cellular due tomorrow and drove to st just, no internet  reception.  no parking front main drove around to back paid bill and home.  1 pm ate lunch and second half b'fast sandwich egg jerky avocado and 5 oz rice crackers.  i put salad garlic butters (4) in cup for toast later.  

Saturday woke coughing runny nose with bug from Thursday gym-1 hot tub coughing man didn't cover his mouth.  i thought the chlorine would take care of it but no.  vitamin c all day i felt a little better.  b-fast i made egg avocado jerky sandwich ate half.  very filling.  

picking up fruit 9 am i found toke left p b cookies, pomegranate and returned restaurant article.  i cooked salads using half can of sauce for lunch and dinner.  4 pieces toast.  i made small shell pasta, 2 tuna, the second half tomato sauce and 4 oz sour cream for tomorrow.  

Sunday 4:30 am so pain filled.  woke feeling familiar childhood sadness anxiety.  reminiscing does that.  opening memories.  i still feel lethargic and recovering from bug.  still taking vitamin c.  b'fast i ate half pasta in lettuce wraps.  i don't like cooking especially b'fast.  lunch i had second half pasta with sour cream toast.  i'm eating what i have.  drinking my stockpile.  dinner i tried chunky chicken noodle soup.  not good.  i've never liked cooking starting at 8 yrs old never appreciated and being punished for screwing up.  

12:30 Cathy de Medio called from Hawaii to thank me for Halloween card and stickers.  so i know auntie got hers.  we had a lovely conversation catching up.  i envy her in senior housing.  no upkeep worries and surrounded by others in same boat.  telling her of weed abatement and broken water softener i forgot about the fence blowing down.  so much bad news.  too much.

at least tonight i have celebrity wheel of fortune.  puzzle #2-pumping iron at muscle beach.  strange phrase.  watching 'the far frontier' Roy Rogers channel 44.5 8-9:30.  exciting never seen before.  and 'f troop'.  

change of seasons

i made a great day and don't feel happy.  i followed my feelings.  a luxury ii wasn't allowed.  my feelings were suppressed repressed compressed.  seniors at 9 showered exercised computed.  in locker room good internet reception.  picked up lunch saw toke.  returned bookmobile city movies, picked up 'purple rain' decided i'd watch 'tho i don't like prince.  drove cup remembered pay utilities due.  ate a little mediocre lunch.

then occurred to me sunny vale hot tub.  so i went g-1 alien type woman told me to shower after i had  showered and washed hair i told her i did and ignored her.  soaked 20 minutes then home in time for 'love boat'.  finished my lunch.  

seems i should feel happy.  maybe i'm just tired.  i feel weird.  new feeling.

i get it.  i understand people trying to tell me what to do to make themselves feel important.  i don't have to listen to anyone anymore.  i don't have to hear them.   

pain and exhaustion

my back must be repairing itself.  i feel so tired.  i have to stretch every 6 hours from the pain.  50 years of scar tissue to remodel.  

i'm exhausted depressed-fence fell down high winds yesterday

yesterday noon i went out to pick up avocados and the fence had blown down covering the sidewalk.  i stressed.  i tried to lift it but couldn't like when mom died.  city was closed indigenous day so i tried fireman Jason.  he's been promoted to captain i talked to Nick.  he said he'd call around to find out what to do.  he called me back.  closest station closed so he arranged survey 2:30-3 drive by.  all i was concerned was clearing sidewalk.  Nick came 3:30 called for another engine.  we waited.  he's living next door to his parents in Saratoga with his daughter after his divorce.  3 guys 1 woman picked up put in yard stayed talking half hour gave them avocados guava.

so today i'm still processing.  the emotional component is the worst.  this house is all them.  every time something goes wrong with the house it's like they've died again.  

i'm clearing the energy for the next family.  it's what i do.

i let go and let god move through me.  i was in so much pain i couldn't stand it.  i didn't want to move.  i made my mind blank and relaxed.  i dressed went to seniors thinking i needed nicotine gum soon.  showered exercised computed late.  picked up lunch toke was later.  gave her avocados.  i used safe way expiring just 4 u coupons 5 Campbell soups, stag chili, 98 cent lettuce for $3.58.  feeling successful i went to Walmart paid pge bought gum.

home 1:30 i wasn't hungry but at gristly sweet sour pork before i had shakes like yesterday from stress low blood sugar.  4 pm i fell asleep for an hour.  staying on schedule i watched tv.   

coverage america can count on t-mobile wheel of fortune puzzle.

took yesterday off

i choose not to game today.  and who knows what i'll do tomorrow.  i went to gym-2 soaked and stretched in tub cooled in pool 10-11.  i went to sunny vale library to compute.  they may be open tomorrow.  no county.  stayed 'til 12:30 then home.

i put out garbage bin without back brace.  big mistake.  my back and stomach are messed up.  i feel depressed that my back will not heal.

Misty has become mom and Aileen is dad so they will never love me.  

celebrity wof-thousands and thousands of selfies, jumping jack Nicholson.  Jeff Garlinson is so funny.  

7:27 Jennifer Kline- 2 penny day

reminds me of mary-el treatments i received.  seniors i loaded lucky's free meatless 5 oz burrito.  

good lunch today.  turkey meatballs noodles peas vegs.  i used ranch dressing on peas so good.  found penny.  drove to Saratoga remembered i needed to pay Citibank.  atm wouldn't take $40 only $38 so i talked to manager no change without debit card even though Costco card has my picture.  she suggested i go to lucky's for change.  crazy.  found another penny.  i went to lucky's and talked to Cathy and she agreed with me.  she suggested i cancel the card but i need it for Costco.  home 12:30.  

i called toke thanked her for cherry pie and asked about her tax problems, she wants a new cpa.  i went through my papers for Rhonda Richards, Dunham & Watkins from 2002 and read through them again.  Alien claimed mom wrote checks two weeks after mom died.  does Alien believe her own lies?  scary.  i'm feeling upset.  Alien had Tom Ruschin declare Alien special executor.  so she could keep most the money and why Misty is taking her side, because of the money over $600,000.  Alien mailed copies of her kids taxes returns to me with a note end of march for two week notice of what she was reporting i was getting from the estate.  what a mess.  so even though i didn't have the cash i had to pay taxes, interest and penalties.  

i read through Susan Kanclier, Shawn Parr & associates paper work too.  harassment dragged on 'til 2008.  

found 4 quarters

in the change machine.  i got to seniors 8 am sorted my bills.  so far so good.  i showered exercised stretched 'til 9:30.  went up to charge and compute.  11 i picked up lunch went to put things in car and remembered book mobile.  then since it was cool 66 o i decided to go cost co gas and redeem rebate.  crowded so i looked for almonds.  sliced $3.336/lb way cheaper.  sat in car organizing change from rebate check 'til lunch gas fill up traffic less.  2 minute wait listening to relaxation c d.  caught traffic lights perfectly home by noon.  

left side of my face healing from right brain 1972 stroke.  

2 pm feeling sleepy

i slept in 'til 7.  i kept waking up all night so i woke tired.  nuked jerky omelet.  got to seniors 9 showered exercised stretched.  i parked further down.  i gave Inge the oreos and choc milk.  i decided i would give myself the pleasure of celebrating misty's b'day today.  one of the many things i've mourned.  i was the only one who bought everyone a cake or pie for birthdays.  guava cakes from Aki's for mom and custard pie from nations' for dad.

went upstairs charged gamed computed.  11:30 picked up lunch Toke came in behind me.  i asked if she wanted more avocados yes and she gave me half cherry pie.  told me peach was from her.  parked 2 spaces away.  she went to exercise.  as i backed out of my parking space man came up and gave me his lunch.  

i suddenly thought i could go to mission c u and completed my banking.  .2 mi.  and home 12:30 i ate both tiny flour lasagna.  his had spinach on top looking pretty weird tasted ok.  i toasted a turnover for dessert.  heaven.

$tore

i bought Halloween cards, amber wash, clearance tall bags and plastic wrap.  seniors #1 parking.  washed hair exercised stretched.  computed.  picked up lunch.  st just pantry pick up and home i gave postman parked in front avocados.  half hour unloading car sorting and putting away.  ate fatty fibrous chicken lunch 12:30. 

my pelvis is so sore i decided to rest.  watched Dr Oz 'Mel Robbins high 5 habit doesn't use words for affirmation uses gesture circumventing conscious mind.  i found spell check on right click.  huh.

wheel of fortune-keeping you connected to your adventure - you have to be kidding.  doesn't make sense.

i prepped the strawberries half sugar half stevia so delicious.  i ate 2/3.  i could have eaten all.

i forgot

i left the chrome charging cord, ear buds at home.   8 am #3 parking space.  showered exercised stretched.   i used center computer for emails games and chrome for specific like wheel.  

i figured out how to adjust when type resets to normal.  i prefer medium size.  i have to check each paragraph.

i was going to st just food pantry.  i forgot closed moon days.  so i went to chase for banking, dropped off weekend fruit, home before noon.  i'm so itchy.  Albert was using leaf blower in parking lot and i was sneezy 'till i showered.  

i like doing what i feel like.  i'm moving past guilt into joy.  

i showered soaked

and i'm at s v library.  gardener showed up with noisy blower and used low setting.  much better.  

i went dollar store found stickers for Halloween.  for auntie and Cathy.  but i bought Thanksgiving cards.  back to the store.  and 25 cent clearance foam soap that is moisturizing.

i'm watching 2014 musical black 'Annie' and i like it.  never wanted to before expecting a re hash and it's great.  

i found the lava bracelet i misplaced by retracing my steps.  

woke 4:30

plastic bottle fell.  watching 'avengers infinity war' i'm struck be how boring fight scenes are.  i'm glad i'm watching at home and can speed through.  i've been watching and wondering how this serves kids' development.  i wanted to see the Groot scene from the trailers.  he makes me laugh.  i love to laugh.  two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.  

i made my own energy breakfast with p'nut butter, sliced almonds, dried cranberries, sesame seeds.  lunch was hummus avocado on whole grain.  

i don't like talking.  man yesterday highlighted that fact.  most talking is a waste of energy and air.  like when women in the locker room see me putting on my back brace and ask if it helps.  i don't wear them under my clothes as a fashion statement.  i have to tell them i couldn't drive without it.  driving one foot throws my back out otherwise.  

back at seniors 12:30

i forgot to open page.  8 am i went to Laff laundry closed, gutted.  too bad school just starting business will be picking up.  i forgot to wear scarf so i looked in car.  time to re organize.  i have hundreds of shopping bags.  i'm missing stuff in house.  pink green swim suit bag and now bed organizer with neck cord magnifier.   oh, well.  sisters.

seniors 2 tables and chairs down stairs for computing charging.  showered, exercised, computed, picked up lunch, finished computing upstairs.  downstairs too slow.  went to p o mailed life and auntie.  went to lucky laundry.  parking in back so convenient but no wireless.  and $3.25 compared to $4.50 three load machine.  i put soap in wrong conditioner cup instead of detergent.  we'll see.  

no online freebies today.

so many fast food choices online.  

when i returned to seniors to use internet 3 Asians talking in their own language were standing in #1 parking space so i waited 'til they moved and parked for an hour.  ate some lunch, computed.  when i was done i backed out and the younger old man stood in the driveway telling me i had to drive all the way around the lot.  then he starts trying to insult me 'don't i understand English' in his broken accented voice.  i told him i've probably been speaking English longer than he.  he said because i'm older i think i can do what i want don't have to follow the 'rules'.  interesting assumption.  i meant English is obviously his second language.   he tells the older old man to go inside and get someone.  declined.  the woman tells me to placate the old baby.  they're obviously used to giving in to baby.  i asked her if they're the parking lot police, no.  he tells me he never argues but...  i asked him what this was then.  i told him he's giving himself high blood pressure.  he says his pressure is 70/100 low blood pressure.  so i pulled back into my space to get them out of the roadway and the man in front of me left so i just followed him out of the lot and came home.  

i unloaded the car 2 pm.  started hanging laundry took half hour.  done and done.  

getting real

ah, i had hoped to recover from hurting my back but it's been 20 years and i have to start planning what i can do now forgetting my old life.   

i dropped the recharging flashlight and a button fell off.  took me half hour taking it apart i fixed it.  i'm back.

came home 11:45 for the end of 'f troop'.  woke at 5 and i'm feeling tired.  seniors 8:45 showered exercised computed.  i must be healing.  processing toxins and remodeling scar tissue uses a lot of energy.  scar tissue is stronger than undamaged tissue.

i enjoy reading my blog.  i can see my progress.  i'm ready to surrender my dream of living here happily.  i had a pain filled miserable childhood here.  a worse adulthood nursing the parents.  as a child of 8 i cooked and kept house so that part was familiar.  working full time to pay my bills and hauling them around to doctors and shopping was too much.  

i may never be happy here.  eh, with god all things are possible.  so happiness is inevitable.

'avengers endgame' is a football game.  'concentration' is thinking flexibility.  

i was freaking out

i loaded lucky's rewards and today being the 29th the expiration date was 29.  i was all set to call customer service thinking i had to use rewards today.  i stopped to fill water bottles and realized expiration is for next month.  end of month anxiety.

i computed and was going to eat at seniors but red pepper sauce i brought home and washed off before eating.  dinner i ate rice and stew from yesterday.  i toasted whole grain bread with butter and avocado.  strudel bites for dessert.  chocolate quick milk.  i'm eating lots of vitamins minerals.  i finished auntie's letter finally.  i sent her pocket magnifier for her failing vision.  i hope she's taking vision vitamins.

i caught another thief stealing avocados.  she had the nerve to say i could have them if i ate them.  i can do what i want with my property.  i kept telling her she is stealing and took them.  all the people taking them for years never helping me.  no humanity in them at all.  i can understand squirrels and raccoons but people always shock me with their lack of humanity.  

that inner child that learns and creates

will always need protecting.  time to get out and air my winter clothes.  it's very cool today.  weekend warm up.  

stayed seniors computing 'til 11:30.  reminded me of the nightmare i had of sleeping past lunch and getting bumped off reservation list.  years ago when i was sicker i had all sorts of nightmares probably engendered by nursing scary parents.  mom's violence and dad's insanity.  when we studied with j w's 9 yrs old i dreamed of Armageddon.  

saw toke gave her the few i picked up today.  i went in 8:45.  best parking.  i don't know how i managed 7 am for all those years.  maybe the lure of the hot tub beckoning paradise.  except for the chlorine.  toke gave me apple strudel bites.  i ate 6 with milk.  and now i have a stomach ache.  ugh.

adult on the outside

watching 'in the heights'  whistlers have nothing to say. dad whistled and mom hated it.  as a child questions are dangerous.  punishment for no reason.  i never understood without explanations.  i was a child.  

i'm hungry after soaking in hot tub

i ate my pork brown rice and fruit bar.  oh my haunches are screaming.  i considered going home after dropping off loans but here i stay.  i'm hanging around drying my hair too.  

such a smart car.  the remote close lock doesn't work if a door is open but the open still works if i manually lock it.  

today's daily word 'let go let god.'  and i'm still here @ library learning.  and i suppose i should wait 'til 1 to re apply my brace.  it came off in the car.  i don't know.   i don't want to and can't drive home without it.  wreck my back.  

control 2 makes everything bold.  did it again.    let's see.  i backspaced.  i'm huge.  well large.

i like the chair table at sunny vale up against the post i can relax my back.  i'm using all the support i can get.  this doesn't look medium but that's what it says.  

i have half hour to charge or i can leave.  i stayed 'til 3:30.  i put on my brace, filled my water bottles.  i cooked potatoes with home dried onions.  added pork.  ate canned beets and peaches.  

filled half the bin

cut cactus an hour.  i must have been really out of it.  i showered, exercised and computed but forgot to open page.  picked up lunch, vera gave me a cup cake, i gave her 3 avocados.   i went to college safe way bought 2 clearance dinners.  i forgot i have cooked potatoes and onions, spaghettti.  ate cooked meal.

sat-9/25 lost my connection.  still recovering from thurs cutting cactus.  i cut, cooked, ate artichoke.  delicious.  i rested all day except for clearing plant.  i slow roasted pork i bought yesterday and made brown rice.  i watched 'love boat' and lost game shows.  decades marathon is 'highway patrol.'  so much pain from my pelvis, hips, thighs, waist i'm taking kava and willow.

sun-9/26 watching cbs sun day morning.  i opened pages for fry and sat.  maybe there needs to be something typed to stay connected. 

life purpose

seniors are supposed to have more fun.  we can avoid obesity and all its results.  we're trained to do less and less.  we're told we become more and more physically limited.  i think life is just becoming simpler to help us focus on what's important.  if we buy into what they tell us we become depressed, repressed, a self fulfilling prophecy.

i went to walmart to pay pge 7:40 and had to wait 20 'til it came online.  i walked store found discarded plastic strip and lipstick covered quarter i washed with spray alcohol.  got to seniors 8:15 too early for #1-2 parking spots.  

yesterday i left avocados for toke, that night she brought another mini bundt cake.  today i called toke to thank her and she had left 3 voice mails concerned i wasn't staying at seniors' lunch.  inge wasn't there today.  gerde and art were.  an old asian man with a boo boo asked me to put a bandage on his forehead.  he reminded me of dad.  he was sitting in the front when i was ready to leave so i went to car gave him some avocados.  

went to kyopo and nothing i wanted.  arrived cup library noon my favorite shady spot.  i picked up 'pain free' and 'avengers infinity war.'  so many movies are about fantasy and historical war.  the inner reflection of mankind's state.  until peace is a spiritual reality there will be war. 

i talked to toke half hour and missed concentration.  it's good they rerun programs.  i don't have to miss anything.  

heaven is work play rest

just like here.  it's doing and being in kindness, tranquility, balance.  it's living from the heart, the life energy.  the mind is a tool to accomplish the heart's desire.  ego the conduit of communication.  life is programmed by what we focus.  if our focus is on the negative it is magnetized into our experience.  our magnetic fields attract our heart's desire inexorably to us.  it has nothing to do with worthiness.  it is desire.  

eh

exercise and diet the only real cure.  medication masks symptoms.  a temporary respite but not a cure. 

i sat hot tub

20 minutes.  i still feel tired, sick and know i'm ok based on past.  i went gym-2 8 am.  i considered cutting cactus and decided too much today.  maybe tomorrow.  the water feels so good.  so healing.  i stretched everything out.  my tailbone, neck, right temple so sore.  parts of my skull feel bruised.  i sat lap pool to cool down.  bug ate bite from suit.  so weird.  time for embellishment.  this is suit 2.  the other is missing.  my thieving sisters.

11:30 i decided to go sunny vale $tore for c drops, amber m wash, found infinity scarf, toothpaste.  cooked hamburger patties.  so good on bread i ate 4.  

8:30 pm i just realized i'm processing getting my family off my back this life and all the way back in time.  my symptoms now are what i experienced after carrying dad to emergency 3 times.  i didn't have time to feel staying vigilant, working to pay my bills and trying to live some kind of life.  i didn't have the time or energy to feel.  it was a luxury i couldn't afford.  

hanging on

i'm feeling terrible.  the nausea from 1972 is back.  at least i'm not vomiting.  i lived on lemon drop candy lost 5 lbs.  my stomach hurts, i just feel sick.  i know i'm fine.  i visited 4 doctors who couldn't tell me anything because it was a back injury i didn't connect to the symptoms.  hey, i'm not a doctor.  this time around i know it's damaged nerves.  

i showered, biked, stretched 'til my body stopped hurting.  jeanie gave me 2 more scrubbing doll dresses 1 green 1 hot pink.  i computed, gamed, loaded double points lucky's.  picked up lunch went to college safe way free water sushi, clearance frozen banquet hamburger steaks 6/$2.50 parking lot packed with college students returning.

home noon watched 'medium' ate meatball roll added sauce mustard.  still hurting feeling sick.  lay down rested 2 hours.  took willow.

my eyes are burning stomach hurting.   

i'm resting on purpose

and feeling guilty.  i was never allowed.  i was guilted into doing.  or shamed or threatened.  anything i wanted had to be kept secret.

i'm feeling sad and angry.  must have been stored in my pelvis.  

an experiment

i changed the date.  didn't get results i wanted.  

as i went to change to street clothes jeanie was leaving.  i walked jeanie to cars gave her avocados.  done and done.

my hips pelvis so sore.  exhausting.  

here we go

i don't know why i feel so tired.  i got to seniors 7:30 showered, exercised, so sore i stretched an hour.  i computed, gamed, picked up lunch.  today last day for 10 k lucky bonus points panera gift card.  and i bought bread.  i forgot to tell kathy rewards number and manager added to my account saying he forgot last day and he wanted to buy.  since i was early i went to america's tire air check.  drove home expressway.  

i ate lunch tried watching tv so tired i felt sick.  i lay down slept 2 hours.  i dragged myself up so i can rest tonight.  

i realized while exercising i denied my feelings or i wouldn't have survived my family.  they're the same they've always been.  i expected them to appreciate me.  i deluded myself.  i have to change.  my commitment to feeling my emotions.

sometimes 'view blog' adds

a tab sometimes it doesn't.  i got to seniors 7:30.  showered, exercised, filled water bottles.  i amazed myself i cooked the 14 drumsticks and cleaned up yesterday.  i put out garbage and recycle.  

i dropped off avocados in trunk to toke home 11:30.  saturday i caught asian woman who stole my oranges stealing avocados with her own basket picker.  i warned her i could have her arrested for stealing and trespass.  she starts telling me same excuse didn't want to waste, i told i didn't want to hear it.  she asked what she could do.  i told her give me $20.  she asked if i took venmo.  i stared at her.  she went to car parked in my shady spot for purse had $13 i took it.  so insane alien.  and they always think they're good people in the right.  even evil people believe they're right.  

i waited

to add to blog at home and wouldn't open.  huh.  disappeared.  i wonder where my words went.  

i soaked g 2 hot tub walked safe way bought can soup since i forgot noodles at home.  i kind of liked the idea of eating out of the can like a hobo since i was never allowed to feel at home anywhere.  sunny vale was ok.  

i got home 12:45 asian woman stealing avocados with basket picker.  same one stole oranges i middle of night last winter.  same excuse of not wasting.  i told her i didn't want to hear her excuses and warned her i could have her arrested for stealing and trespass.  she asked how to make it right i said pay me $20.  she asked if i took venmo.  i stared at her.  she went to her car parked in my shady spot for her purse.  she  only had $13 cash.  i should have kept the bag of avocados.  

my right eye feels stronger

ever since i had that test measurement done it felt like the computer machine injured the cornea.  i've been doing the exercises and today it feels stronger, clearer.

Kat is back.  2 episodes last night.  

i forgot bra in laundry and exercised wearing towel.  i loaded free lucky's yogurt and big lots free soda.  picked up lunch straight to st just pantry 2 bags drum sticks, eggs, potatoes, onions, cherry turnovers, rolls, canned chicken and tuna.  i went to lucky's for freebie and 25 cent clearance salad dressing.  i had a nice chat with cathy divorcing her gay husband.  i'm a little surprised considering i don't know her that well.  

home 12:30 i separated the raw onions from lunch to cook later.  very fatty too.  i was still hungry and had some noodles and coleslaw with added cranberry almond sesame.  then i charged my phone.  it had another emergency notice blocking display.  while trying to remove chandler came up so i called to ask again for itemized receipt.  i called consumer cellular callback.  cody in arizona half hour later talked me to messages-alerts-options.  phone has a lot of redundant features.  

maxi wash also unity prayer day

my pinched finger is better.  after a week.  i'm getting back to myself.  

i listened to healing while blogging, washing, gaming.  so great.  i finished washing, sorting and left basket at curb to open car and laundry man brought heavy wet clothes and loaded in car for me.  i like having help.                                                                                            i don't know why this blog is malfunctioning.  i can work around it.  if i want i can go to sunny vale or cup.  they're open.  or 24 hour gym.                                                                i went to college safe way parking backward with street view.  oblivious kid parked at curb messing in car while his cute little puppy is running around in street.  i shout 'your puppy is going to get smashed' just as a car goes by.  he runs, grabs it and puts it in car.  he waves thanks and i wave you're welcome.  in the store i found clearance frozen atkin's chicken margarita $2.  good lunch.                                                                                                  i went to mission and paid city, no gaming even though strong signal.  i came home 11:30 in time for second 'f troop'.  i cooked chicken, wheeled in basket, hung clothes while watching tv.  it occurred to me i could take all day to hang clothes.  very freeing and relaxing.  i used to rush hearing mom yelling at me to hurry up.  she never yelled at my sisters but then like dad they never did anything.  kathy readler thought dad was dead because i never talked about him.  he never did anything.  it made him sick lying around.  and he was depressed.  the family tradition.  the 'life of reilly-lying in a hammock' inactivity all day killed him.