new year's eve

# 8 car good contact.  immediate connection.

i was mildly irritated having few gum 'til tomorrow.  i can go to walmart saturday and try card.  even with 50 more in pack 170-220 unless i put some somewhere.

1;30 pm if not for covid i wouldn't be listening to kelly howell on you tube.  lovely.  i am truly blessed.

i frequently hit the wrong key.  i have a time frame of being home for love boat at 3.  not today new year's twilight zone marathon.  how that's new year's i don't know.  oh well musicals dancing to new year on movie channel.

tv guide didn't work and i don't care.  growth.

wof-broiled fish   bbwk-1984

half hour

trying to get this to work.  location.  arr 10;30 car #4 too close.  no reception.  around corner better.  1 mi.

picked up lunch ate it doing my sweepstakes entries.  drove to carlos' shop in the middle of engine rebuild i postponed to next year.  he said tomorrow 10 am but no i may want to do laundry.  too soon.  i need time to adjust my thinking.

limited computer reception is limiting computer time.  huh.

i can still blog but no research or obssessing.  autists don't like limits.  

just occured to me i can put bbwk and wof answers here.  wow!  

now how did that happen

maybe i need to eat.  bbq sandwich cold but pretty good.  diced chicken and sauce on wheat bun tomato lettuce.  took out raw onion to cook later.  left in trunk cooler.  called carlos oil air filter change tomorrow noon.  ugh, stress.  

dropped off cantaloupe at toki's.  lovely sunny warm brushed 3 mats. still damp from rain left to dry.  easy with god.  i didn't think just did.  sprayed moldy copper tray with peroxide.  refilled bottles.  

very very cold tonight 6 pm.  watching old musicals movie tv channel.  sliced ham, cooked sliced onions 7 min, added diced ham 2 min, stir in 3 beaten eggs 2 min stir, 1min stir, top frozen peas 2 min. ate with last 2 corn swirls.  so delicious.

removed irritating neck label from hilo hattie shirt.  restitched collar.  attached to pocket re align content label.   

queen victoria

the seniors drive thru' attendant.  like she's challenging us to hit her.  

the crows baptised  m'car i don't need to feed them.  i think two murders showed up to claim the park.  still no reason to poop m'car.  well gone tomorrow.  

woo hoo! the rest of my life the best of my life

i'm waiting for sweepstakes, 'secret' to load.  happy.  took computer 20 minutes.   

today's daily word faith.  unnecessary.  just suspend your adamant convictions.  stay blank without judgment.  allow the energy to flow unhindered unencumbered and miracles follow.

2 and half hours computing.  i'm back 1;40.  went college safe way used restroom and bought corn swirls.  too sweet and tough.  tomorrow last day sale.  clearance 2 poppy seed 4.98, 3 mini altoids 2.37 for the tins.  i need new house key hider unless i lock door with key.  hmm...  might be the best.

home 2;30 parked street wondering nob hill $5 monday cheese.  brought in garbage bin.

feeling tired.  maybe county tomorrow or saturday banking.

gauche neighbor still playing her bin games.  5;30 still in my parking spot.  i went to nob thinking of cheese, it was last week.  i love cheese.  i got peas 1.48 still less than lucky.  6 pm bin put away.  

watching noel coward i realize i thought i loved margaret wheeler when it was penelope keith bbc 'to the manor born' character i admired.  a woman fallen on hard economic times making the best of it.  i accept marge doesn't deserve stonehenge souvenir.  marge was given a choice of the pendant or a baby and chose the baby.  i thought i'd return the medal but she dislikes me, so no.  i've never done anything to derserve her disdain other than exist.  she's so like alien.  she was my alien penelope keith substitute.  i wanted alien to be penelope keith but she's marge.  it's better for all not to feel irritated.  the world can be a better place.

play those magic fingers 6;45 am mom

feels good.  i woke visiting mom in heaven.  we discussed how alien lied and blamed me for everything following mom and dad's lead.  so mom knew because she started it with dad blaming me.  still stings.  lying creates dis-ease.

i sliced olive loaf used ultra uv to kill mold and toasted with cheese.

i made linguine for breakfast tossed in sesame oil with black seeds, shaved carrots celery cooked onions.  so good with chicken.  i could eat every day.  watched cesar 911 repeat i must have needed a refresher.  

groomed myself.  i'll be glad when i can wash my hair.  not today.  my nails and hair are growing so fast now.  faster than before 2001.  

went to $tore one ultra uv left.  clearance ajax, 2 bags snack size, batteries for uv if i gift it.

i'm listening to secret on you tube.  never occurred to me before.  wow.  went to $tore for snack bags.  i started keeping spool thread and matching bobbin together.  never occurred to me before.

i'm listening to secret on you tube at main while blogging never occurred to me before.

maybe i can have it all.

when i was managing fremont and san leandro stores at least 12 hour days 7 days a week.  i was trying not to think of my failed marriage.  i became exhausted.  

taking care of the family was the same.  i worked karaoke and marketing to pay my bills, took care of the house, took my folks to their doctors, tried to have a social life, and took the parents to movies.   

back at seniors for the reception. gutenberg.org

hawaii man stopped to ask lunch today.  saturday no lunch.  he's confused.  he saw kemo in mtn view last week fresh from hospital.  

i scared myself.  my big fingers swiped and yesterday disappeared.  i got it back by refreshing the page.

i went to cabrillo park to see if there were bars to hang from but no.  so i'm back at seniors.  

i'm getting the hang of this.

learned a new idea; dopamine fasting.  denying easy pleasure.  loretta breuning

i finally remembered to look her up at library.  the happy brain.  i'm excited.

for most people it's the presents

i'm enjoying the presence.  finished beef barley and veg rice for breakfast.  at seniors doing computing for over 2 hours.  walked stretched at park.  rained a little, big warm drops.  i'm having the best christmas.  no one yelling.  no mind games no tension.  peace and prosperity.  i can get myself what i want and i am truly greatful.  ate apple snack.

went to college safe way closed.

went to home safe way to use restroom all 3 closed.  walked store looking for chocolate cake and whip cream.  didn't look too good.  no clearance.  oh, well too busy.  so didn't compute in main parking lot.  came home and didn't need to go.  huh.  remodeled 2 tank tops.  moved straps.  ate noodles rice chicken delicious.  decided 3 pm i wanted more.  went to maria safe way for noodles and chicken none the chocolate parfait looked good.  dessert first.  finely sliced onions diced potato w/cheese.

mary and max

supposedly about autism.  we'll see.

main i'm having a time driving around the parking lot finding internet connection.  home i get medium signal but out of range connection whatever that means.  i did my sweepstakes, emails, scratchpath.  

i've never had so much feeling in my back before.  not pain as much as stiffness.  

arrived seniors 10;55 car #14 and 49o.  tiny chicken mole, dry spanish rice, dry beans, burned sour tomatoes.  2 oz bag of milk chocolate pecans.  i'd rather have decent size chicken.  

walked park stretched did my push ups.  decided on panda express closed tomorrow.  drove to maria safeway.  checked clearance, used restroom, 2 entrees one side $6.  i got noodles and double chicken.  vegs looked sad.  just as good as panda.  

time flies

finally.  i have a hard time connecting with this plane of existence.   and staying connected.  autism.  we live across multiple energy levels.

i remembered on my own wheel of fortune solution.  i'm getting back up to speed.  spent yesterday feeling immobile missing george.  didn't have time energy or focus in 2003 when he died.  bless brian for notifying me and volunteering to drive me to los angeles.  i wonder if he was sick then.  throat cancer.  according to his memorial bio he never had a bad word to say about anyone but ....   

at main parking the groundskeeper just drove by on his lawnmower with a disapproving shake of his head.  i seem to have that judgment effect on people.  george geraci was a school groundskeeper.  except for the weather must have been a great job.  

i've been watching noel coward.  1981 his produced plays focused on homosexuality.  i wonder when he wrote them. 

picked up lunch and checked safe way flash sale progress soups $.98 limit 8 i rushed to college and 3 bags stevia clearance half $4.  score!

holly dolly christmas channel 5- 8 pm.  

12/22 tues.

for some unknown reason i put 12/23 on the calendar to pay disc so i'm late.  very weird maybe my back distracting me.  i've forgotten before but never wrote it on the wrong day.  what was i thinking.

some websites work fine and some don't.

inspiration.  i'll walk after picking up lunch and parking.  i can compute more later after pickup.  i can come later and stay longer.  i started going through the clothes from last winter i set on the bed.  with the shut down i haven't used any of it.  time to release.

today is george's death-aversary.  my mind didn't remember but my body reminded me.  brian drove me to los angeles for his memorial service.  brian didn't want to go alone, called me, offered to drive me for the day.  it was a great tribute.  

sitting p o parking lot

 now i'm south street seniors.  p o too slow.  i guess i'll queue now.  

did my walk and stretch 6 minutes to spare.  i have misgivings about the back doctor today.  i'll swing past lucky's and check card balance.  two clearance salads.  good internet.

went well.   dr. masseh is a good listener.  i stopped at winchester dollar tree but long line so i went to safeway small olive loaf delicious with toasted cheese.  added dollar protein to salads so good.

easy-peasy

#4 car today st just gift card.  so the secret is to wait second/last day.  

watching ceasar 911 at 10 am corrections given after brain intercept.  the train of thinking must be derailed to implement a new command or request.  ex tried and i let him off because i felt sorry for him when he complained of feeling weird.  oh, well now i know better.

i have automatic update at library hotspot.  for as long as i can tolerate sitting here.  sort of boring.  i entered tire sweepstakes.  doing my games, checking mail.  dropped cards at kiely p o.  hot in car.  59o outside.  beautiful day.  

st just-no home internet-library

humongous line.  so i wanted to use library connection.  here i am listening to God.  wow, whar a mess.  blocking the intersection.  had to move from front lot to keep reception.

last night i wrote cards and stamped them today.  i've been watching and listening to noel coward collection.  radio programs.  all part of my education edification.

when i couldn't internet surfing on tv thur 17th i caught the end of china news.  re/mammal brains:

                                        dr. loretta g. breuning-mammal institute cal state east bay.  neg set point biological.

                                        dr. trudie chalder king's college.  chemicals, depression. 

2;30 st just food pick up still long line.  sun 11/22 no line at all.  i'm doing my best to be normal.  since i showered my hair will be totally dry when i get home.  

daily word-i cooperate with the healing presence within me.

i don't know

today's daily word enthusiastically alive.  i can't get reception at home and looking for a hot spot.  i did my pre programmed shopping.  glad i did it early.  got progresso soup and white yamswhile at safe way i loaded 'free' lucky's probiotic yokult cost 25 cent deposit.  i remembered chocolate quick and clearance lettuce..  only small size choc.  3 x rewards.  hurrah me!!

tv schedule is messed up too.  

i bought small quick at lucky i'll get big at safe way.  

sitting on street seniors for internet.

whew!! no internet after 4 pm

i don't know how i'd manage.  my weather, news, blog, connection to the world.  it's doing weird things.  this post not on regular list of posts but shows up on search.  and it's smaller.  oh well.  i'm glad it's back.

arr 10;14

#6 car picked up fatty chicken in cream sauce w/bell peppers.  finally got appointment with back pain doctor massih.  dr chung didn't bother putting phone or address or telling me anything about it.  i wanted exercises.  

i'm feeling very frustrated.  

seniors 10;32

#9.  walked and stretched.  i'm keeping life simple.  i tried calling for physio again.  spending hours, days finally talked to eddie after ruth and half dozen in between.  he explained they had no authorization on file i couldn't make an appointment.  i called dr chung too to fax copies.  i'll try again maybe tomorrow.

dinner i made ramen with 5 oz can chicken, green salad, grated carrot, celery.  2 provolone cheese on bagel toast.  provolone tastes like mozzarella.  i'm so good.

woke 4 am

the dilating eye drops are almost worn off.  i added peas to macaroni tuna salad, heated some and delicious breakfast.  stayed in bed dozing and watching 'taxi' 'til 9.  dressed, put out garbage, washed dishes.  squeegeed car windows.  supposed to rain again wed-thurs.  good time to hang out rugs.  

and this weekend is christmas st j pickup.

they took away experiment garbage bin.  i'm surprised it lasted this long.  life should get simpler.  separating garbage is not simpler.   

3 pm i suddenly have a new channel 5.4 fave tv= tv land.  'total recall'.  can't find listing for it.  and decades tv 'love boat' strange juxtaposition.  

cesar 911-growing older healthier happier

cesar observes patterns of behavior and stops the dangerous unwanted pattern, reprogramming wanted behaviors.  what works fine with puppies doesn't work with mature dogs.

body brain connection.  my back issues forced me out of my thoughts into taking care of my body.  living in the past is deadly.  not an intelligence issue an autonomic process.  reprogramming a closed loop system intercept and interrupt.  i was so used to living in a constant state of anxiety from my family i was disconnected from my body and injured myself.  then still being disconnected i kept re injuring other muscles.  

life is a series of behaviors.  what we did in the past got us here.  sometimes it doesn't work any longer.  new behavior is necessary.  dysfunction is doing what no longer works.  continuing outdated patterns of behavior.  i quit smoking for a year now.  free nicotine gum and library relaxation cds comedy dvds.  

breakfast toasted senior sandwich w/mustard.  1 pm lunch 2 poached eggs w/pine nuts cooked green onions on slice of bagel.

5 pm i decided to cook 1 1/2 c rotini 'pasta and more' t salt, water to first line 17 minutes.   i diced 1 stalk celery, large grated 1 carrot.  added large can tuna and water, half can drained black olives, heaping tablespoon dried onion t salt 4 pepper, c safflower mayo.   so good i wanted to keep eating.  i forgot peas.  tomorrow sweet.  something to look forward to.  raw peas onion gravy.  

lying in bed

i just had 2 helpings blueberry cobbler and last crunchy chicken.  i'm learning how to pamper myself.  i spent my life cooking, cleaning living for other people now it's my turn.  

next year i start a new phase.  i expected mom to kill me.  i never imagined living this long.

stayed in bed 10;30.  got up to see 'movie,movie'.  cut my nails.  since becoming healthier i have to every 2 weeks.  8 years bed ridden i cut my nails and hair maybe twice.  being sick nothing grows.

lunch was the last of the cobbler and burgers.  dinner i wanted chips and saw weekend food.  mac salad peas onions grated carrots celery tuna which i prefer.  i have to make some without onion.  so good.  choc fudge dessert.  tomorrow toasted sandwich breakfast.

wouldn't it be funny if dna testing proved trump an albino black.   all his racist skinhead friends would need to rethink his popularity.  

watching 1944 'return of the vampire' people fascinated with energy sucking killing beings.  werewolves and vampires are alcoholics.  compulsive behaviors.  

dr mark

everything stable.  prescribed specs.  dilated my eyes.  going back 3 pm for frames fitting.  he's aged 10 years in this past year.  he looks frail.

picked up lunch walked park stretched.  put extra weekend i cold.  ate lunch.  

discovered options on publishing yesterday and changed the time somehow.  i don't know.  i figured out how to change it back.  

12;30 went lucky's freebie oatmeal and big lots bras and slippers.  on the way to library tom called he got my christmas card wished me happy birthday.  i told him auntie sent me $100 for birthday and christmas.  reminded me uncle and eric died 4/'17 and 6/'17.  he told me noe died thanksgiving.  oh, well.  his diabetes got him.  players.  i looked online obituary he tested positive covid-19 nov 18 dead 9 days later.

picked up cup library returned darling buds, hope gap, one foot, merry sitcom.  talked to tom more.  decided to go to safe way and ended up at sprouts line out the door went back to saratoga sunnyvale to safe way.  bought orange chicken $5 friday forgot free water.  2 dark roca, lemoncello.  hurrah!! used my perks.  i forgot to use gift cards.  i was getting tired.  forgot my shopping bag candy aisle.  still there.  on the way out i found 2 cardboard box bottoms for spice storage.  i put the spice tubes in sorted stacking trays.

drove back way to eye doctor new reading glasses $215 i'm worth it.  thuy=tee helped me decide.  each eye slightly different.  deeper relaxation.

my own copy of cd

i'm looking online.  9 am leisurely showered then opened window.  

i left 10;00 intending to go to rite aid looking for dvd player and remembered to fill gas.  i want to avoid holiday gas price.  costco changed program.  now you leave card in.  as i was leaving i noticed asian man in front still trying to insert card.  i told him they changed it and want you to leave the card in to process.  it worked he gave me thumbs up i was distracted and i left with fuel door open.  i noticed on overpass pulled over on monroe and checked cap.  whew!! 

my practice for eye doctor tomorrow.  picked up lunch 10;30 # 10 they require mask for pick up.  walked park stretched.  thought about main and county.  main is closed and county open today is 3-7 glad i came straight home.  i have 'til 19th.  i changed clasp on necklace to match olivine mother of pearl anklet.

decided to cook 4 burgers, blueberry cobbler.  o m g so good.  ate 2 burgers 2 servings cobbler.  happy tummy.  i mixed 2 eggs, cup of coffee creamer.  blended in 2 cups pancake mix.  added pint of washed well drained blueberries.  microwave 3-2-2-2.  so good.  full of blueberries.  i'll have it breakfast.  or maybe asparagus and crispy chicken.  

success

courage.  i called 18 times before talking to soc sec agent pamela in cambell 9;09 am.  she advised me to pay medicare and over payments are reimbursed.  whew!  i felt so relieved i thanked her profusely.  

i felt so good i ventured to campbell big lots to return bras and walk store.  i checked out good will.

seniors 10;36 #9.  walked park and stretched.  inspired i went to chili's to redeem freebies.  paid 99 cents more for 5.75 kid's crispy chicken meal.  i added 2 side grilled asparagus crispy chicken $12.99.  got my birthday hot fudge cake w/vanilla ice cream.  took me an hour online to figure it out.  way easier than panera.  pain online.  i'm so proud of myself.

autism resources

 the libraries are full of books and movies.  well, an exaggeration.  a lot.  

i felt the spirit and returned sunday's bras that didn't fit.  the exact same style size that i bought 11/29 but 12/6 didn't fit.  well i have 4 good ones.  i spent a couple hours trying to figure out the good ones from the bad.  confusing the style numbers are different from the receipt.  don't know where those numbers came from.  i can see why surplus or over runs.  from china the sizing is inconsistent.  the fabrics are the same color but stretch differently.  

went to citibank paid bill.  on to seniors car # 6.  remembered daily word and to bring in car secret cd.  chicken pretty good.  dinner will be potato gravy beef onions and yam for dessert.  

i don't know.  got medicare bill.  medicare social security campbell closed at 4 i waited on phone hour and half 4-6;30 with main san jose soc security gave up.  i'll call tomorrow.  fear and loathing.  life is so complicated.  

feeling pretty good

off to a rocky start but stretched back top pelvis.  considered bins, my health more important.  went $tore 3 chips, 2 vitamin c drops, m wash.  picked up lunch 10;39 # 12 walked park stretched.   beautiful 65 o.  stopped at raley's beef, cheese provolone swiss, peas.  ate lentils rice, vegs.  ok.  rested then cooked beef onions in garage.  rested.  watched 'airplane'.  drank chocolate turmeric.  

folded clothes; 44 pair socks, 9 pants, 3 sweats.  made rice, ate rice and beef onions.  fell asleep no wheel or jeopardy for hour and half.  watched part of bob hearts abishola.   

blog is doing weird things.

another sleepless night.

from friday shower and laundry.  friday exhausted 8;30 bed.  last night couldn't sleep watched 'darling buds of may' fell asleep 3-7.  woke back pelvis screaming lots of stretching popping cracking.  neck and shoulders tight.

for breakfast i added oatmeal to last night progresso beef barley onion carrot gravy stew.  watched episode german prejudice like my own jap experience being blamed for pearl harbor 'tho i wasn't even born.  trump world people use any excuse to try to control others the crazier the more effective. 

watching cesar 911 bike biting dog triggered memory of 8-9 year old me hit from behind by bike knocked to the ground and then another day woman driving car turning corner as i crossed monroe at lawrence knocked me over my books into the street.  they never stopped.  back injuries not all family beatings.

last week no tv reception and i was ok with it.  i don't have to watch it, i choose to watch.

constant debate with myself what to do.  i decided i'll do what is best health.  i went denny's no freebie so i checked out big lots 2 more bras.  one set ok.  went to citi no atm.  panda express to go orange chicken walnut shrimp chow mein.  $tore sunny no newspaper no chips 50 cent xmas cards, 4 pineapple sun glass case, 2 calendars.  hurrah!!

home i ate express lunch and dinner napped an hour.  so good.

'darling buds of may'

1991 i was in the middle of adjusting to mom and dad.  20 years i'd been away and they were exactly the same.  unchanged.  takes a lot of effort to stay the same.

the larkins were one of my adopted families.  i'm always me.  i can't imagine myself as any of the characters and i prefer to be myself.  i don't understand how actors choose to be other than themselves.  it used to be harder to maintain one's being.  projected energy can kill.  chadwick boseman.

i woke dream in heaven my backyard.  my cat was playing in moist leaves with hermit crab.  i'm the hermit crab moving from home to home when i outgrow them.  that's what i do.

ruth h ackerman

revisiting ghosts of the past.  thinking of unity, science of mind, gilroy, gavilan hills church, jean v millerd low 5/14/36-9/16/13, ruth ackerman 12/13/41, janet, joel.  ruth pimped out janet like alien pimps out everyone.  gavilan hills church of which i'm a founding member 1985-6.  i did course in miracles in one year.  miracle.  everyone else dropped out.  

what a good girl am i.  i showered 8;30, dressed, loaded clothes debating wash today or tomorrow.  to the scott laundry 10, done 10;30, walked stretched, picked up lunch, was going to mission drop off dvds spirit detoured me to main, picked up gingerbread picture to color and comic con goody bag, dropped off movies, home emptied car, hung clothes an hour.  special fun.  ate ok lunch.  rest.  ate ma salad dinner.  teaspoon raw onions ugh.  picked out what i could.      allergy makes me sleepy.  

i'm a different me.

4 bras-prop tax

feeling restless at 8;30 and not enamored with news or 'murder she wrote' i dressed and went to campbell.  i walked store looking for small calendar, leg warmer and bras and realized i wanted big lots.  clearance 50 cent tall garbage bags.  drove there walked store $3 for 2 year purse calendar.  no bras at all.  i asked and was told none.  i went to car and remembered leg warmers .   went back minus jacket warming up.  looked for socks and found $11 for 2 bras.  bought 4.  so now i know what campbell has.

left home 9;07 arrived seniors 10;07 # 5.  walked stretched even after store walks.  home caught all green lights.  ate ok lunch and tried bras didn't fit comfortably.  oh, well.  considered returning them but i have 'til 1/15/2021.  

watched 'hope gap.'  interesting about seniors, divorce, moving on.  

feeling ok

i have some energy today.  how to use it.  i received my first card from della.  mailed 11/30.  next day delivery.  pretty good.  i finally figured out the indentation is paragraph setting to normal.  another mystery solved.  i don't have to backspace each post now.

they are very late today.  got here 10;21 #7 walked, stretched, ruminated.   had a good talk with myself.  i always forget to start my day asking for what i want.  now i have no sense of impending doom asking.  'the nail standing up is hammered down.'

biggest fear

self fulfilling prophecies.  i want to be happy, healthy, wealthy, wise.  being crippled would be a bummer.  well i woke from a restless night finally knowing why i can't sleep.  my fear keeps me moving.  fight or flight.  running to or running away.  fighting for my health.

second biggest fear; well, it's that time 44 degrees when i left at 10 and the check engine light came on.   the last two cars i've owned don't like the cold.  i called carlos, he was test driving a car.  i walked and stretched.  i called back got voice mail.  realized i needed to write out life insurance.  mailed p o.  i need check register.  figured since i was close i'd swing by car shop.  carlos fixed air sensor reset computer $20.  

drove to withdraw chase then deposit star one 10 minute line.  on to library ate lunch.  picked up 11 dvds.  dollar store 2 pks socks, 2 cough drops, 3 stretcher bars hurrah.  home 2;30.  watched love boat.

i have to get auntie's pictures for her birthday and pay prop taxes this week.  

i toasted corn bread, sliced one onion, cooked it, added diced real carrot, diced potato, can of progress beef stew.  diced radish in bottom of bowl.  so good.  

whew-cranberry slaw

i'm feeling tired and healthy.  i put out garbage went dollar 10;30.  last 3 chips two mouthwash.  seniors i walked 10 minutes stretched felt good.  main pick up 3 drop off lego isla, south, saving.  thought of going county remembered banking tomorrow so went am tire for air check.  no one came after 10 minutes so i started doing it myself.  young man came over offered to do it.  i acquiesced.  

came home haunches throbbing ate lunch put things away.  rest up for tomorrow.  

i made potato w/cheese, turkey cranberry, toasted corn bread, yam.  i love my pyrex 4 cup measure for cooking.  i have a lid that fits.  over time i've collected glass lids for ceramic bowls and plates.  it's fast and convenient with the spout venting steam and handle for safety.

cesar in las vegas

 i'm getting quite the workout adjusting the antenna.  after an hour i'm done.  i'll watch something else.

i rested 'til 3 and ruminated i want to go to lucky's but i don't want to do anything.  didn't want to do anything so i let it go.  i dressed and took my inner child in tow.  i bought my lucky's corn bread, yams and sesame oil and got my free sparkling ice.  i checked out big lots no mix but 2 sport bras $10, 7 spices $1 each.  great bras.  i'll have to check campbell and milpitas.  there's one cambrian too.  

i'm almost done with turkey.  still delicious.  i'm eating the potatoes and yams.  so good.  with cheese, with gravy.  

i remembered to watch jamie.  life is good and getting better.  reading up on saints i learned when good things happen self punishment is expected.  no wonder i loved my family they punished me like i was a saint.  

today or tomorrow.

i finished reading green lights last night.  when i read it 6 more times it's mine.  

coming home to nurse dad brought me face to face with the programming i'd received.  mom and dad always looking for someone to take care of them.  something i  did since 8 years old.  and i was back again.  unlike my sisters who knew they didn't want to be used.  i'd been used my entire life it was all i'd been taught.  it motivates me to reprogram.  i witnessed their deaths.  the result of their life programs.  

i'm reclining in the living room.  i almost stayed in bed all day.  i'm wiggling like babies do to build the muscles to function.  i'm rebuilding my body my life.  8 years of bed riding i learned a lot.  i was too sick and weak to hold a book so i watched a lot of educational tv.  i couldn't digest much so i ate simple carbs and reset my metabolism.  

b-a-h year of the rat is almost done

betrayed.  abandoned.  heartbroken.  humbug.  it's just what some people do.  who some people want to be.  that's what makes me sad.  they don't love themselves enough to be the love they are.  maybe they've never felt loved.  dangerous people to be around.  predators devour everyone around them.  they tolerate those they can feed off/use.  other predators in a herd tending live stock to sustain them and do their dirty work.  should a more attractive work force appear the old stock is slaughtered.

alien chose valentine's day to announce to her then husband, father of her children she was divorcing him.  dale stone someone she hooked up with during a high school reunion replaced him for a short time.  she made her children part of the lies and deception.  she pimped her daughter like she did with me.  i wonder how far she'll take it, to the next generation?

*************************

so good.  i cooked potato wedges in gravy with sliced carrots and zucchini.  big slice of turkey and mounds of cranberry.  yam for dessert.  

i'm here for me.

choices

i'm bundled up in the living room feeling tired after standing in line yesterday.  do i want to go find lunch?  41 o today.  i can revisit the past and if so how far back?  one place is north, one south and 2 west.

i had a bit of turkey and leftover lunch brown rice for breakfast.  for lunch turkey potato cranberry.  i made one of the many freebie gravy.  pretty good.  i rested and napped.  yam dessert.

what a great thanksgiving!!

oh, what to do

i dreamed i visited eric and wanted to stay but he said i couldn't follow him.  i slept 7 hours.  7.  

that's like tom.  the first person to limit where i go.  first he invited me to a concert then reneged was taking his nieces.  what a jerk.  i decided not a healthy person to be around.  exclusion is negative.  

i got to the car.  no keys.  locked in house.  i looked for hidden key.   it'd been a long time.  the cats or squirrels knocked it around.  i finally found it.  i want a better method.

i went to $tore scored 4 slightly bent pans.   walked, stretched park, picked up lunch and list of places thanksgiving dinners tomorrow.   hmm...  kind of far.  map quest posts fuel cost $2.25.  lunch diced turkey loaf thin gravy i made potato.  diced yam, roll, broccoli.  

do i want to go 3-7 libraries?  i went main long line, home in 45.  saw justin and bea.  ate whole individual seedless watermelon for dinner.  didn't feel like turkey.  

ouchy

my right brow and eye.  so sore.  

arrived seniors 10;16 #6.  didn't stretch talked to art getting his address for christmas card.  took me 3 tries saving on the phone.  i didn't know what was what.  so i used up my time on art.  

i went to college safe way to see if freebie no bake cookies since last day.  score.  also frozen michelina mac hamburger 62 cents and sliced havarti cheese.  i want to compare to swiss.  another 50 cent brush.  $3.16 total saved $8.17.  

i've been staying up midnight reading green lights.  so good.

i made potato and cheeses for dinner.  so good.  and yam for dessert.

must have computer bug

i was typing along and blip everything gone.   start over.  arr seniors 10;27 my latest ever #7.  i'm slowly like a glacier emptying fridge.  i put out bins start week out fresh.  i tried to renew 'secret'.  9 the new max.  i went to main they renewed #10 time.

it's cool overcast mist.  lovely.  came home ate almost inedible slice of pork loin.  couldn't manage boiled diced carrots broccoli.  

i started watching dr oz, olivia newton john, kelly preston breast cancer.  i started wiki and 12;55 realized i was due dr chung at 1.  i was dressed jumped in car and 5 minutes late.  all tests normal.  i gave him the letter from anthem, he made copy.  i asked for and got copies of my tests, home 1;40.

i got national geographic from auntie.  i was going to write after holiday but today's good. 

i made plowman's share for dinner.  i seasoned the veggies with amino, baked potato, melted philly and swiss cheese on top.  so good.  i cooked big yam for snack dessert.  my tummy so happy.  

it's so hard for me to cry

or show any emotion having had it beaten out of me.  i had to put on a neutral face.  being happy was punished too.  sometimes just breathing was punished so i held my breath afraid to breathe even.  i was watching mary poppins-saving mr banks.  

was my mother crazy?  she punished me for everybody.  like 'igor'.  so no i guess not so far as the general population defines crazy.  the prevailing behavior no matter how insane is determined 'normal' by majority rule.  look at trump as president.  

something weird i got usps email saying i had mail.  there's no sunday delivery.

i went to dollar for 3 chips, mat, ramen.  got to st j before 1 no lines table and church ladies.  i asked and turned in letter and envelope.  i was given choice turkey or 2 $10 gift cards.  i drove around and john greeted me, another choice safe way or lucky's.  i got home 1;04.  i put everything away.

i got one bag 3 lbs carrots, 10 lbs potatoes, package gravy, stuffing mix, canned yams, green beans, 2 corn, apples, oranges.  

i chopped some jerky, added tomato turtle beans, heated with leftover lunch of ramen veggies.  i want fresh cooked yam for dinner.  i had one for breakfast.  

hurrah!!  i remembered jamie 6 pm.  yesterday i only caught the last 14 min.  i love the flashback button.  i can surf without remembering what i was watching.  

sore stomach

 muscles feel bruised.  i got 6 hours uninterrupted sleep hurrah!!  i ate burrito it was good.  

i'm watching odd couple together again made for tv movie jack klugman, tony randall felix says "if only everybody would do what i say the world would be a better place."  made me laugh out loud because alien always said that but she wouldn't live it just like mom.  

miracle

my stomach is still iffy but i know how to deal with the symptoms.  my back ribs are sore.  my neck feels on the mend.

lucky's freebie $1.25 burrito.  small breakfast egg bacon sausage.  and yams.  5.3 lbs.  my latest snack.  wash, wrap in parchment cook in microwave.

seniors 10;26 # 11 walked park stretched.  i can't believe how quickly i recovered.  

exhausted from agony

since 3;37 a m i've been trying to get comfortable.  i dragged myself to dentist 9;30 appointment.  miss alex so caring.  arr 9;46 seniors car #6 i could barely move.  back to 2003.  i sat in car stretching trying not to overdo.  no exercise today.

picked up stinky fish.  heated chicken ate half brown rice and spinach.  took me 2 half hours eating so slowly to avoid cramping.  i'm lying in living room propped on pillows trying to avoid injury listening to secret.   i'm wearing 2 braces keeping everything in place.  

took kava and willow.  feeling so so tired.  processing pain is exhausting.  my shoulders to my hips down my legs.  exhausted muscles processing pain.  my neck my skull.  

i'm so tired of feeling incapable.  

finally removed braces 4;30.  

more igor

never good enough.  that's all i ever heard from mom and dad.  mom always telling me to be like my sisters.  she finally shut up when at 16 i replied 'if you knew half of what they're up to you wouldn't say that.'  she didn't say anything.  she either knew or didn't want to know.  she never used that comparison again.  and when dad got sick i was the one moved home for both of them.  good thing i wasn't like my sisters.   

i checked dollar store for leg warmers none last package chips 2 liners..  picked up lunch walked park stretched.  

home ate and showered.  rested.  drove to 99 cent store 2 pair leg warmers and 3 liners.  still half hour early checked out dollar tree nothing.  drove back way to mammogram.  sat in car 15 minutes.  went smoothly bone density done by 4;30.  main library walked right in said hi to bea.  dropped off jamie picked up emma and green lights.  seems too perfect.  

letting go

giving up the past to make room for a new better future.  hard and scary.  the doubts.  what if it's worse?  go back.  maybe hardwired to instill caution.

i paid pge walmart, walked store.  9;30 too early seniors so i sat in car 'pheasant under glass'.  wind tropical storm.  decided to try calling mammogram.  after 10 minutes i replaced cancellation tomorrow 3;15.  easy peasy.  2 1/2 weeks calling.  nervous energy driving to seniors i saw big avocado.  arr seniors 10;07 #7 briskly walked 3 blocks to pick up found another.  whew i was sweating.  

some of the nervous energy is due to the high velocity south wind electricity.  one day at a time.  one thing at a time even though i revel in multi tasking.  makes me feel skilled and talented.  not being able to do strength things sucks.  i miss doing physical things.  making things, trimming trees, cleaning gutters.  i never found them to be difficult.  i always managed to simplify the task.  i changed the broken door hinges on my datsun.  i did all my plumbing repairs, painting.  and now my back, shoulders, hips don't allow me.  i feel like a loser.

from the crest of the sine wave of life into the trough.

practical experience

 my purpose to be happy.  my new cells are screaming and crying.  at least that's how i'm feeling it.  

arr seniors 9;47 #1 roast beef.  i didn't want the pasta.  i removed the red onion to cook and added dill pickle i added green olives to mellowed the saltiness. 

i felt good so i cut the suckers in the front yard and down spout.

so many memories how the parents went gambling tahoe, reno, las vegas, entire weekends once a month.  mom asked me what i wanted.  alien and nit always asked for and got something expensive while i would get something cheap so i asked for harvey's roast beef sandwich with dill pickle.  in high school alien started having all night parties with her friends weekends.  alien sent me and nit to our friends' houses for the weekends and rented out our bedrooms.   then when i was 13 alien decided i was old enough to help set up and clean up her weekend parties.  that's when alien started pimping me out to creeps who couldn't get dates.  i couldn't tell or mom would have killed alien.  i'd seen too many beatings for nothing.  

nit went to nora burbridge's down the street and talked me into lending valerie burbridge my coin collection from charles and amy for show and tell.  valerie refused to return it saying she had added to it.  that's on nit.  i had to scramble for somewhere to go.  i wasn't allowed friends.  

2;30 i decided to go to arques gym.  i forgot my shower shoes again.  i'll get back into the swing of things.  i stretched half hour.  they don't know holiday hours yet.  best part is clean clothes.  i even thought working in a laundry would be great.  

i'm cooking all the salad veg and chicken and amino.  and chips.  yum.  oh so good.  i decided to add 4 eggs instead of the chicken and 4 slices swiss cheese.  i ate practically all of it.  

learning to be a child

so many of us were forced to be the accommodating adult compromising ourselves in fear of the adults around us we don't know how to be effective happy children.  only integrated balanced people can be happy and successful.  

the child contains imagination and play.  

cesar 911 i realize i played favorites with my dogs.  i chose felix while tiger was x's dog and mop was a stray i never considered giving away.  

reprogramming is physical pain

everything we learn is remembered by chemical imprint.  all our conscious and unconscious memories are chemically recorded.  strokes scramble the chemical imprint.  changing behavior requires imprinting over existing programming.  it's uncomfortable feels like having bugs running around in the body.  

i want some one to take care of me.  to put me first.  that's igor.  he creates the ultimate weapon and falls in love with his creation.  my fair lady.  becomes devoted to her.  willing to put her above his ego.  my sleep is dictated by what i need to reprogram.  i'm too stubborn to accept reprogramming awake.  so i sleep to what i need to learn.  eva as annie has green dots in her eyes contrasting her red hair and dress instead of annie's white dots. 

i've been feeling drawn to 99 cent only store.  2001 amy/kyochan sent me a 99 cent only phone card from l.a. so i could call her when i was bedridden.  she offered to take care of me but i was mostly sleeping and i would have felt too guilty disrupting her life with charles, john, catherine and the grandkids.  alien threatened to sue her for the $10 k down payment mom gave her like she did for her daughters.  mom gave lots of money to her sisters too.  she couldn't give love so she gave money.  i was the only one to pay her back no wonder mom hated me.  i didn't understand then i was insulting her.  alien was trying to have me physically and illegally evicted so we were in the same boat.  predators.  

i finally tackled the st just chicken from the 10th expecting little drumsticks when it's 4 giant quarters turkey sized.  i can only fit 2 cut up at a time.  must be from monster chickens.  i'll cook them all.  the puck oven i can set and forget.  i decided to use the $1 rechargeable flashlight in the garage.  one of the best buys i ever made.  

my hips are screaming especially the right.

the chicken is delicious.  not much meat, mostly back bones and fat.  so i cooked the other 2 stripping the meat for later.  for dessert so so lemon danish with hazelnut chocolate made delicious.  

i'm cooking the other 2.  i didn't check the temp so it's taking longer.  oh, well when i'm tired.  i finally finished the last lemon square.   i remembered jamie on at 6.  i'm happy.  

still detoxing

my body's in a turmoil.  i'm craving brag amino.  one bottle may only last a week.  rather remarkable finding it clearance at safe way.  

onward and upward! 

i'm doing my conscious breathing.  not knowing what else to do i'm doing what i know.  i went to lucky's picked up cornbread and free k cups.  checked in walgreen's photo machine.  8 1/2 by 11 bed.  do i want more pictures copied?  

arr seniors 10;10 #9 55 o.  dropped garbage walked stretched.  home still no reception tv channel 2.  i'm feeling sleepy.  calm.  

napped and ate asian noodle salad.  i looked for 2 bottles of toasted black sesame seeds gone from seasoning drawer.  oh, well sisters have been shopping again.  

channel 2 is back but channel 5 reception in and out.  supposed to rain interference.  finally warmer.

no dentist.

hurrah!  normal day.  postponed next week i went to sprouts and target.  i forgot to look for leg warmers.  oh, well.  i have to pay pge i can check walmart too.  i want passionflower.    

feeling sad. and detoxing

i spent from 4 am stretching and wriggling trying to get comfortable.  then i started feeling hatred, disappointment, antagonism projected at me from my family leaving my body.  nora monaco said i carried the family's guilt on my chest and that i would find my own psychic answers.  i've stored the family negativity in my cells.  as the projections leave i shiver.  without the cold and isolation i couldn't do it.  bless covid and cold.

my inability feeling happy was from the stored hatred etc.  i was full.  i feel lighter.  i wonder how much obesity in the world is an attempt to compensate for projected negativity.  can't consciously feel it if it isn't self generated.  it's like wearing a coat of anger.  it's on the outside.  unless there's a mirror there's no reflection to see the image.  all my relationships have been attempts to rid me of projected feelings that never belonged to me.  i was just a storage facility allowing my family to succeed in the world.  

aspergers, down syndrome prey conditions allow the predators to function.  we keep the world from devouring itself.  destroying itself.  jesus said as you do to the least capable you do to jesus.  handicapables exist as an opportunity to do better to be better.

some how i lost 2 hours.  bedroom month old battery quit. 1 pm and i'm not hungry.  my body is flooded with toxins.  i'm cooking veg for when i am hungry.  i ate 2 yams. the smaller the better.  i washed wrapped in parchment nuked 3 min turned 2 more.  washed sliced mushrooms in spinner.  cooked in garage 30% 20-stir-20-stir.  3;30 called 24 hour for wait time no one there.  i showered in the warm washed my hair.  no chairs now.  hung on bars stretched.  went walked safe way.  $tore looking for leg warmers feeling pretty good.  50 cent 2 laundry bags, fish oil, 2 m wash.  gave busker$2.  home 5;30 i added mushrooms to ramen and pork slices.  so good.

thich nhat hanh

rev marcia campbell religious science church back in?  he was alone traveling america going from church to church.  such faith.  now i find he's world famous.  huh.

miracle.  after practicing peggy cappy breathing exercises on her relieving stress with yoga without thinking i went directly to the suitcase compartment containing the leg warmers i'd wanted for this record cold spell.

$tore 3 bags chips, 2 m wash, alien spider skeleton.  

sitting on the corner harrison jefferson arr 10;33 #13 brisk walk stretch 10 min around park.  almost got wrong lunch.  i double checked.  put stamp on auntie's card mailed expeditiously.  returned wonder boy to main.  stopped st just 3 bags full.  

straight to cup library parked in shade.  alcohol spray washed bear and hulk.  sorted groceries.  ate b b q chicken sandwich.  heather said it was good i thought it was ok.  had internet reception i tried cup guest, all disappeared not secure.  on to gas fill up.  home took me 3 hours putting everything away.  3 trips to car.  canned goods, rice, chicken, mushrooms, zucchinis, onions, fruit, eggs.  egg nog i'll offer toke.  hard on my back.  

4 calls half hour waiting pch

over 2 days.  finally got thru to talk to elias to cancel grill pan i didn't order on pch.  got call from silicon valley eyes for appointment tomorrow 8 am.  i called rescheduled 12/11 9;15 am.  my comfort.  i took out bins.  i sat on hold 15 minutes mammogram no one answered.

i'm still feeling so tired.  my right hip and leg.  it has to be damaged nerves in my back.  i walked and stretched picked up lunch 10;23 #8.  i waited 'til it warmed up to 60 o.  i wore my pajamas.  comfort highest priority.  i sat on hold 15 minutes for mammogram.  no one picked up.  i went to college and homestead safe way for free one pot pasta and powdered chocolate frosting add butter.  2 swiss cheese, 4 clearance 50 cent, lettuce 98 cents.

since i was across the street i stopped at main.  pick up is inside lobby.  jamie's comfort food inspired me.  peanut butter brownies topped with fresh fruit.  oatmeal cookies with peanut butter good, hazelnut better. 

just as i was leaving i remembered to pay citibank.   

computer still acting up.  running so slowly.  looking online emails preview mail auntie sent letter.  hurrah!!  cheered me up immensely.  she sent $100 for thanksgiving birthday christmas.  wow!! from her and uncle dickie.  i wrote thank you card.  she liked the ninja halloween card and goofy socks.  how do you know a ninja's been in your candy?  you won't.

danaan parry

ed zerbe took me to a new age bookstore 'rainbow bridge' 1985.  after having moved 3 times in 2 years with 25 boxes of books i swore not to buy anymore.  while ed talked to his friend the manager i browsed.  passing down aisles and shelves of books one jumped off behind me.  earth stewards.  being a read-a-holic i read the jacket and considered the bible advising mankind to be earth stewards.  not masters or conquerors but stewards.  holding the earth in trust.  i bought the book.  

i devoured the book thinking how nice.  if only.  i was in the middle of getting divorced and putting my life back together.  years later on a sunday after church i went to a friend's house on our way to lunch.   rose living off southwest expressway apologized she forgot it was her group's monthly meeting.  she invited me along.  when she said earth stewards we were both amazed.  she drove us to a park across from the oakland estuary on a perfectly beautiful day.  we parked the car and crossed the playing field to some trees and wooden picnic table benches.  half a dozen people coming from the opposite end of the park greet us recognizing me from a dream i had maybe 6 months before.  in this dream i'm up in a tree over the bench seating 6 men and women.  the woman on the end elbows the man sitting next to her glancing up at me says "she has such an unquenchable thirst for knowledge."  i woke myself up laughing it was so like me.  the six people all recognized they'd seen me before asking what chapter i belonged to and other meetings i'd attended.  none.  my first only physical contact.  

they discussed their exchange program with russian families on a purely informal civilian basis.  i believe they brought down the berlin wall.  people meeting people.  learning prejudice and ignorance are the enemy not people.

still discord-finally done-lost tabs

trump is consistent.  all he's good for is distraction and discord.  hopefully he won't make it racial.  

only biden-harris will get us beyond covid because they care.  trump doesn't care about lives only money.  as long as he keeps making money he doesn't care about lives.  when his money is affected he'll care.

daily word-guidance  i considered going to lucky's for free bottle sparkling ice and paying citibank due 10th.  instead i read through auntie's letters.  her birthday 9th, uncles's was 4th.  uncle died 4/17.  bro 6/17.  i'll make copies of pictures of mom and dad's ashes at the crypt.  

i heated potatoes mixed 2 eggs added cream cheese.  yum.  finally cooked the krusteaz lemon bars.  used last 3 eggs.  had the box $2 clearance for at least a year.  whew!!  too sweet.

i thought about going shopping since open 'til 9 too cold.

harris-biden announced election win.  wonderful presentation.  i've never felt more invested in america.

lost all my settings.  all my tabs disappeared.  whoa, scary.  suddenly gone while watching jamie.  so i'm totally distracted.  missed 45 minutes getting my settings back.  

being the light. showered effortlessly.

most people are afraid the light will show the truth of who they are.  so they're afraid of the light and afraid of the dark.  just afraid.

trump's afraid of being forgotten or ignored.  

10;23 #12 car a new record.  and good reception.  took a little while to connect.  did a 12 minute walk to garbage and stretches.  i'm leaving senior center garbage at senior center.  ooh, i found more shepherds purse by kids picnic tables.  

well my cd adventure lasted 1 day.  

still no final vote count

with the bushes i worried more.  i had my passport ready.  (auto saving.  maybe because of good reception.)  i'm resigned.  does no good to worry.  

i'm so blessed.  i'm watching mary reilly.  child abuse.  i'm exorcising the demons.  i didn't know why i borrowed a movie i was never interested in until the abuse.  i remember waking in the arms of tommy meyer crying "don't, mommy, don't mommy, mommy don't."  i have no memory of the abuse.  alien was always bragging of burning me, sticking me with pins changing my diaper.  i remember her pushing me out of windows, off the swing always from behind and lying that i fell.  all this is behind me.

trump is a professional manipulator

he's done it all his life and has built his business on it.  he has blacks and latinos in his pocket.  he's a racist who knows how to appeal to minorities.  he appeals to those who have no hope of equality and pose as supporting winners.  they, like the jews who backed hitler will be sadly disappointed.  maybe that's what they're looking for.  another disappointment to dramatize.  

trump has been systematically terrorizing the usa to better manipulate people.  he's making the economy easier to manipulate by withholding covid aid.  covid is the best thing to happen to trump.  he's using the rampant racism as a smoke screen to blind the world to his business deals.  i watch china global television news on channel 36.3 that shares all the trade deals.  trump is selling out middle america.

for the first time in my life i can feel cold in my back shoulder blades.  felt so weird.  as my body heals my thinking becomes clearer.  the brain and nerve cells are working in tandem.  

i took secret cd and forgot to load.  i tried benny goodman big band.  ok made me want 3 more 'secret' copies.

senior lunch line 10;12 #7 i walked park, stretched, decided to make the effort to give art tom's sudoku and crossword books.  merry christmas to him.  so i parked and walked them to his scooter and practically albino jennifur got in my face like i was trying to pull something.  so typically racist white woman.

lol.  i have to laugh at myself.  i just realized jt chinese chatterbox used to monopolize the conversation to the point ella mae and i moved to another table told me i was getting fat and maybe 6 months later had a stroke.  no one missed him 'til he came back.  happened years ago.  when your family disrespects you it hurts.  eh, when strangers insult you it's on them.

watched 'fido' 2006 canadian zombie comedy.  pretty good carrie ann moss, billy connelly.  

hurrah!! 24 no appointments needed.  

little update cloud

there we go.  it has a strike through it until i update.  and until i update if it's disconnected it's gone into the void.  i wonder if the void is full of stuff or a vacuum.  i wonder do all the bits go anywhere.  bodies are comprised of atoms which are recycled.  thoughts are electrical energy must be recycled too.  

it's wonderful taking my time.  i went to target looking for cord to disc man none i did get glucosamine $18 took one and feel calmer more comfortable in my body.  it has sulfate so who knows it may be my allergy to sulfa.  i walked down to sprouts checked clearance and priced supplements $25.

arrived seniors lunch line 10;08 #7 car just behind fat perv red hyundai.  i wore my $9 designer denim chiffon and walked perimeter of block.  shepherds purse weed killer sprayed oh, well.  perv is aping my stretches.  if it makes him healthier it improves the planet.  

i walked a lot.  

pain is distracting

my spine between my shoulder blades is screaming.  i think constant pain is exhausting from burning calories messaging the brain and moving around trying to find a comfortable position.  

aging is interesting.  observing my body, skin, muscles, hair changing as a part of nature.  

i can't believe i remembered first of month pay bills.  i hadn't thought about it at all.  sitting in line i wrote out life insurance check and remembered i have to deposit.  

i was thinking of picking up cup library holds 2.  for sure.  after lunch pick up i mailed life insurance and voting ballot i filled out last night at kiely mission station.  despite road repair i went to chase new machine, 1.  luckily early no crowd.  straight to star one deposit with urmila named after hindu goddess more road repairs to cup library moving once into shade.  noon i ate my turkey pot pie.   it's sad when the biscuit is the best part.  i ate half.  i tried county internet wouldn't connect.  asian clerk most reasonably checked in and out secret cd having exceeded max 5 check outs.  then i thought $v i got 2 h202, baking pan, blond floor mat.  i decided the light weight mats in kitchen would fit better in car.  i can try it.  i got home at 2 pm thinking it was late i did so much and drove 16 miles.  whew!!

home to rest i'm enjoying building up my stamina.  

i've got the blahs-dst

medulla part of brain stem.  sleep autonomic functions.  my symptoms.  (i'm watching 'medium' brain surgery episode.)  when the plastic step shattered.    

zen halloween

i'm feeling at one in the universe.  meditating on peace.  maybe it's the lack of stress.  my shoulders are so sore.  i need to find a closer bar than senior center to hang from to decompress my spine.  24 hour gym requires appointment.  look up local parks.

watching voting news on 36.3 world news.  american living in china vote by mail thinks it's a lot of work.  when i was bedridden i voted.  i couldn't physically go to vote without pushing myself beyond my physical limits.  mailing was much easier, the only reasonable option.  talk about perception.  

i wasn't sure about freebies; teddy's root beer or ginger ale at lucky's, 3 bridges egg bites at maria safe way.  i couldn't decide if i wanted to get dressed and forage.  finding in stores.  then 9;55 i let go and dressed, drove to lucky's for their last root beer.  supposed to get shipment but who knows.  safe way maria i went iris to wolf.  coming home i took detour.  

then i found bag of oat meal raisin cookies from toke.  she said she left them last night.  i was so hyper focused i never noticed.  talked half hour.  

then noon cathy called received socks and her only card she loves halloween.  we talked an hour she had stroke last week and tests this week results next week said she'd call i'll see.  i told her how 6 months chelation mom avoided triple bypass.  she's going to look into it.  avoid another stroke.  she'd had mini stroke before in beauty chair.  15 seconds out.  she called her sister to let her know and her sister like mine no help.  and her sister made sure cathy knew she wasn't invited for  thanksgiving.  OUCH!!  hurts.

twitchy 10/30

strange feeling.  stress from meeting new dentist.  

dr is great.  listened to me.  permanent crown tooth #13 and prepped #15 $355 half of total.  she's so good.  half hour appointment is perfect for my back neck.  she said no gum or crunchy bits on temporary crown.

picked up lunch car #13.  walked park.  feeling good.  safe way sushi free water no clearance.  home small casserole good.  1;30 hungry ate 2 inari 4 crunchy cal rolls.  

i found dvd in player.  i called library she said just put in baggie and drop in slot.  i worried damage.  i took 2nd trip gave to person.  whew!

1160 lawrence sta rd halloween

haunted house.  kids in grade school instinctively knew the energy.  it was weird.  kids i went to school with jefferson jr high told me they thought the house was haunted.  they were right.  when we moved in the left over energy dictated the behavior.  residual psychic energy.

barren spirits.  this house has always been empty of happiness.  i'm clearing the depression.  i instinctively felt the emptiness and filled the spaces with junk.  people fill emptiness with junk.  

getting is easier than having.  having requires maintenance.  

sports is all about physical contact.  surviving sleeping alone is new modern.  we mammals were raised to live in groups.  safety in numbers.  we don't have that.  sex addicts search for that sense of connection.  our bodies crave contact.  i was watching split second one contestant played women's rugby loved the scrum.  like children the first time on a soccer field play in a pack.  the running down field in soccer chasing the quarry.  football one tribe defending attacking another tribe.

$tore, seniors 9;36 #2.  did my half hour around center mound on east side a plethora of shepherds purse.  wonder if it's good for tags.  yesterday man sprayed around parking lot so who knows.  

i'm feeling timeless.  oh, my neck shoulder blades arms.  

returned islands of wonder, mae west, burnt orange heresy, final 4th season good place.  picked up fannie flagg's wonder boy hurrah!!

ate my weird cottage pie, roll, broccoli.  rested watching f troop.  watched pbs circus barnum bailey, ringling brothers, the history of american entertainment.

washed my hair readying for tomorrow meeting dr danielle weihle.  new people new anything stress.  

i guess that's why it takes me so long to use new things.  i had these rainbow luggage belts who knows how long before i thought of using one as a bathrobe belt.  slowly but surely i'm using my treasures.  like the 6 clearance tins of rescue pastilles i've had for years.  

i finally got my ballot.  news said i'm not alone.  others have missing ballots.

my omelet burrito

heaven.  i'm lying in my warm cozy bed eating my potato squash veg medley omelet burrito.  

i had a warm dream of my hub leaving for work popping his head in to apologize for a disagreement admitting he was wrong.  i give him a big hug saying i'd already forgotten it.  warm satisfying.

living the secret cd isn't totally comfortable.  change.  my aspergers is screaming danger.  i want love.

9;56 #4  well that's just weird.  somehow this blog set itself bold and medium.  i reset manually.  walked around park stretched.  oh, forgot legs stretch.  eh, home.  i'm improving forgiving accepting myself.  the verbal programming is less.  quiet and intermittent.  amazing i ever learned anything when it was constantly in my head.  i suppose that's one form of immortality.  living in someone else's head.  i wonder if other people realize it's a form of immortality.

exhaustion is from tension.  high blood pressure hypertension.  i come into the living room turning on recording and sit after eating lunch and my body is knotted up.  i consciously relax and i feel the blood rushing into starved muscles.  seniors are tired from tension.  maybe dad wasn't lazy but tired from tension.  he stopped moving when he retired, muscles growing weaker and weaker.  stress growing stronger and stronger.  maybe why hunger grows, from starving muscles.  i remind myself to relax my head.  i'm always leaning forward not relaxing.

big sigh.

i'm contemplating library pick ups.  i have holds at both.  and i'm first to request 'green lights' at main.  

i have shivers.  7 pm no internet.  i have tabs still connected and some not.  

yup-mudita

i made sure i saved everything and it was still here this morning.  then i published.  

with the stress pastilles i use less nicotine gum.  

i stayed in bed 'til 9.  9.  i've never done that not sick before.  woke 4 something, turned on player to watch 'good place'.  it was so mostly silly i didn't expect much but heaven is like i dream.  they took it a step further.  eternity is a long time i hadn't considered.  what comes after eternity.  having love eternally is perfect.  so what if only god loves me here.  

10;07 #6 car i thought about walking to post office but i wore clogs so no.  i walked around park talked to mirek.  someone harvested shepherd's purse.  ground undisturbed, roots still in place.  must be the young gal i talked to about removing tumors.  

$8.40 postage.  the flip female charged me for 2 packages at the post office.  for  2 $1 socks and 2/$1 cards.  we're worth it.  so $11.67 for happiness. 

i spent 2 days looking for the opposite to schadenfreude in my posts and finally looked at the instructions to find it.  bunches of stuff i'll never use.

feeling sad.  i watched 'burnt orange conspiracy' dvd.  i knew she was going to die.  she wouldn't shut up. i don't know.  i'm yelling at the movie shut up and run.  reminded me of my crazy family.  you don't get between them and what they want.  you run away.  mom threatened to kill me so many times.  i wanted to see mick jagger act.  he was ok.  i've been worried about watching dvds and then i remembered hurrah i have the portable as back up.  so i can watch anywhere.   rested 'til 4;30.

8 pm i'm suddenly so thirsty i drank 32 oz.  maybe the cobbler.

don't know what i'm doing

woke at 4;40 effortlessly changed dvd players considering plugging in vhs in living room.  when God's in charge energy added.  green light.  i requested from county.  i watched mae west dvd.  maybe she was before alice faye.  

9;57 #4 senior lunch line i'm learning how to be.  forgot phone charging.  home i still have 6 cooked drumsticks.  i ate 3 last night.  i had brown rice soup for breakfast.  just what i wanted.  comfort.  i didn't get a lot from family.  makes me shiver thinking of them.  i used to feel cold most of the time.  they were icebergs.  

i looked on 24 hour gyms now open 5 am-930 pm pool but no spa.  online appointments only.  so i'll wait.

i shuffled my pages.  i don't know i'm just so tired emotionally drained.  i used to be so good at not feeling anything now everything is too much.  could be the detox celery i ate.

folks don't realize everything we do online is observed and sold to marketing companies to get more money from us.  in the world it's not enough to be a good person, we must be perceived to be a good person.  and everyone online is projecting what they want to be not who they are.  feeling not enough.  i know that one intimately.  the easiest way to manipulate and control is fear and insecurity.  and family is so good at that.    

came straight home rinsed red pepper sauce off fish i ate with brown rice and greens.  basic housekeeping.

malthus in 1798 predicted plague as a population control along with war and famine.  i suppose covid has more to do with overpopulation than anything else.  if they hadn't cut down the forests forcing the bats into people populated areas we wouldn't have covid.  and if people didn't wantonly travel spreading it while polluting the planet more than necessary we wouldn't have it everywhere.  i wonder how the countries engaged in wars and genocides are doing.  population control. 

i'm feeling so much

dvd player malfunctioning.  i'm watching broadcast tv.  life is depressing.  fires, covid, tragedies, accidents.  

while i sleep, my life on the other side is happy with loving people. i don't want to do anything here. 

i'm feeling so many conflicting physical emotions.  oh, what to do.  

my blog is automatically saving now.  that's new. 

my shoulders, back are so sore, tight.  feels like i'm sprouting wings.  all the commercials, asking for money making me feel like i'm jumping out of my skin.  i can no longer ignore begging.  

living with the family i learned to cut off feeling or die.  

i'm vibrating generating love letting it flow out in waves.  

i'm crying, releasing pent up tears of a lifetime.  

reliving my birth 4;30

so painful, squished, cold, skin cold hurts all over.  my stomach hurts in sympathy.  crying starts the lungs working.  feeling helpless hopeless, trapped in a prison.  everything too loud too bright too cold.  mom repeatedly told me i was a blue baby not enough oxygen.  she constantly reinforced my failings like i could do anything about them.  she tormented ridiculed denigrated my existence making me wish i'd never been born.  constantly reminding me i was a disappointment not being a boy.  i would have been the alcoholic suicide of the family drama.  my designation.  my claim to family fame.

sadness and depression logical result, eh.  

so i'm keeping on.  i toasted a senior sandwich, cooked 5 med eggs.  organized my supplements.  i feel i need glucosamine.  i substituted co q 10.  something missing.  i'm doing what i know.  

thinking like the designer.

10;02 #8 car.  as long as i update=save before i leave the page everything remains intact.  if i'm away too long without saving content disappears.  i wonder where it goes or maybe it evaporates separating into pixels.

doris day's 'calamity jane' is all fiction.  all of it.  life is frustrating.  i'm thinking of the big package of chicken drum sticks.  how to cook what flavors.

i left the extra groceries in the park effortlessly like finding the cd player yesterday.  high energy feeling ok.  green lights.  meeting momma the first time.  mathew maconaghy wrote memoir of 35 years of journals to record success and misses of life called 'green lights'.  there's a glitch in the underlining.  

i'm toasting the apple coffee cake.  it's phyllo and apple pie filling.  i'm listening to cd.  all my years of depression coming out.  

kit from dentist called.  dr alex left.  she wanted me to change fr'y to wed'.  i declined.  we'll see.

i'm feeling.  up and down round and round.  i had my feelings stuffed.  i'm learning to process.

grace or karma

i woke remembering the sadness i feel for my niece and nephews.  what a world.  i thought the unseen was bad before and it's worse.

i decided i wasn't capable of raising happy healthy people knowing the tortured existence i suffered.  children are too precious to me to take the chance of adding to the planet pain.  i knew i didn't have the ability to raise a child on my own and didn't have a healthy community to help me.  the world wasn't a safe enough place for children.  i can't perpetuate what i lived.  i want better for the children.  my sisters wanted insurance against loneliness.  "misery loves company" i just understood the stephen king title.

i couldn't do that to another soul.  i'm suffering enough.  i don't need to add more suffering to the planet.  even the joy is tainted with sadness.  i would suffer more knowing i created children to suffer with me.  i can't cry after being beaten and humiliated for crying.  my tears sit in a knot in my gut.

my right temple hurts down the side through my jaw.

i stopped at main library to pick up films and i decided to look through neighborhood freebies around the corner.  i found sony disc man with av plug.  works great the only thing it doesn't turn off.  i removed battery.  

i stopped at st j to say hi because they haven't been open.  chris gave me 2 huge bags of groceries;  eggs, celery, bread, tuna, rice, squash, potatoes, tofu, coffee cake, frozen chicken, edamame, 2 pk tortillas, cucumbers, onions, kiwi, 

limitless- jim kwik memory book.  i'm watching dr. oz.  avocado, blueberries, olive oil, broccoli, eggs. "a boob e".  using body memory touch head, nose, mouth, ears, throat.   

don't know what i'm feeling

i made a burrito for breakfast.  i don't want to do anything.  i feel like a having a fit.  i was never allowed.  i don't know how.  i'll think about it.

i remembered pge due and went through detoured construction.  i affirmed arrive perfect time.  got there plenty of time.  feeling the old adrenaline push.  that's nicotine rush.  same.  my body sore.  i'm all warmed up so it isn't that.   mom's or a's frog seems to have left me.  bye mom and a.  amber ring jumped off but i heard it hit floor.  wore moon stone ring too.

met rodney one arm down the street.  he must have taken care of his mom.  said she died 10 years ago.  he's been there as long as me.  he's thinking of fixing house to suit him.  me too.  be nice to have company.  

seniors 9;58 # 6.  walked park.  feeling blahh.  ate lunch so depressed.  i slept depressed.  totally gone.  now tailbone on fire.  i don't want to do anything.  i have to make appointments and cook the burger.  i'm feeling guilty.  

hopefully it's just more judgment surfacing.  nora monaco 1985 said i carried the guilt for the family.  i guess still some left.  i don't believe in guilt.  i don't do anything to feel guilty.  i cooked 2 burgers in oven with my season blend i added ginger.  so good i cooked 2 more.  meat makes me feel calmer.  opened bach rescue pastilles.  

ayahuasca

i watched the dvd staying in bed 'til 8'45.  we are what we eat.  we become what we feel.  there's so much pain, suffering, perversion.  i wonder about caroline myss.  she does the same thing.  one way to heal the planet is healing ourselves.  a lot is said about respect for the planet/ourselves.  healing trauma.  my life.  i found the dvd simply because it was listed as a new library acquisition.  how i found stuber.

if we poison the planet we have nowhere else to go.  

arrived senior line 10;14 #7 walked park checked shepherd's purse still growing remembered to rinse and dry cuttings.  miracle usually grows jan-feb.  unusual.  stretched and enjoyed park.

after an afternoon of relaxing i debated going for my last day safe way freebie annie's mac cheese.  6;30 i decided as as experiment to change store.  that confuses me because i used $5 off at scu.  but then i confuse easily.  free shells white cheddar i wanted and couldn't find on the website.  

cupertino 12;36

i picked up my senior lunch and i went home for forgotten wet towels.  i'm not hungry yet.  i ate rice beans pork for breakfast.  library opened lobby and i picked my dvd off shelf.  

i stopped at nob hill for ground meat.  new behaviors.  

i don't understand

 i watch tv and can't find sanity.  how to live in an insane world.  even though i've been aware since 8 years old or maybe i'm reliving the fear when i realized my parents and others representing power and authority preferred complaining to change.  i want to run to safety when there's no where to run.  no place is safe.  probably my 8 year old life experience of living with denying 'adults'.

my back is feeling unstable adding or maybe causing my feelings of unrest.  

i wore my back brace and cooked the pork ribs smothered in sliced onions.  i toasted one sandwich for breakfast with pickled onions and lettuce.  i used the pint of milk for blueberry cobbler in microwave 3 minutes.  i used pasta and brownie cookers.  food heaven.  

2 hours no internet i felt fear truly alone.

how would i know the news, tv, blog, cut off from the world.  fear is only in my mind.  well, actually body.  fear of being with my family.   abuse is definitely stored in the tissues.  all the tight muscles are a record of every hurt left unexpressed unacknowledged.

i thought of going to mountain view cooling center 1-7 if i got too hot or uncomfortable.  i had it planned just in case and i didn't need it.  nice knowing i could though.  my family i could never depend on and i learned to take better care of myself in every way and they hated me for it.  thinking outside the herd.  

i never liked the way machine drying my clothes felt so i air dried them on hangers.  the electricity made my skin feel creepy crawly and the fabric limp.  my mom tried it and complained of rust i used cl r.  i had to tell her to use plastic hangers not metal.  then she complained on the shoulders being bumpy so i had to explain  using pins to hold the shoulders in place.  how simple and obvious.     

i considered pick up drop off libraries but i can do that this week when i pay bills.

the rice and beans i heated, prepped tortillas with swiss and cream cheese, shredded lettuce.  rolled burritos.  the beans had a rock.  i spit out one mouthful.  now i know why the manischewitz 4 bean packages were on clearance sale.  not sorted.  so not a convenience.   i can mix my own presorted beans.  i never thought about it.  the flavors are different when mixed.  needs no seasoning.  

dental $500

and i'm worth it.  i get antiseptic rinse before and after.  i feel safe.  i'm still clenching no matter how many times i remind myself.  my left shoulder blade like the once i took ibuprofen and my back locked up excruciating for 2 days.  and my right temple like the stroke 1972.  

i had to move the barrier again.  i don't understand why the guys sydney and man park on the street.  

so i'm watching igor and resenting the 3 staff white women endlessly talking myna birds eating senior lunches from the kitchen.  eh, i'm in the cool.  i have 2 burritos waiting for me at home.  the chicken brown rice cup of beans lettuce.  today's daily word forgiveness is presenting me with opportunities to practice.  

i left 6;30 decided i wanted $5 sushi free water safe way even though i have 2 burritos i made from lunch waiting for me at home.  i walked store considering c food green salad.  looked for clearance dessert or anything whip cream.  ate sushi 1 burrito and pbj tortilla.  yum....  fried onions on sushi and inari.  

i count my blessings.

i've been reliving my toddler hell

 i grew up afraid mom would kill one of us.  i can't remember a happy time.  one where i was happy in the family.  i've been happy away from the family.  any attempt to express happiness was met with criticism and sarcasm.  

acknowledging and embracing the fact i can feel my muscles relaxing my stomach un-clenching.  

when nit was 2-3 she said she was going to run away.  must have been a weekend no one else home.  i knew at 7-8 i couldn't do anything to change her mind so i offered to make her sandwiches for when she got hungry.  2 peanut butter jelly.  she decided she could run away anytime.  maybe she was just hungry.  i don't know.  i was just trying to survive.  

today's daily word forgiveness i thought was dentists at 1 pm.  it's everything.

peggy cappy

on nutrition was talking around food.  i expected more somehow.  half hour on the experience of eating healthy.  i started a while back.  i guess from when i first considered food as medicine.  food combinations easy recipes are already available.  

10;04 #5 car after $tore.  chips, socks, mouthwash.   i actually prefer the listerine now.  is i dilute it it doesn't sting as much and goes farther.

i'm sitting in my car senior lunch line having taken my walk and done my stretches.  i suppose i could practice calm conscious breathing.  relax.....  just becoming aware.  for a time 'beware' was a recurring message in stores, on mail.  be aware.  just focus on breathing.  listening to the sounds of the day.  

lunch was yucky pasta.  i ate and nothing on tv i lay down to watch yoga warm up fell asleep 'til 2 threw my things in hawaiian rolling back pack arrived senior cooling 2;30 had to move barrier but this time i didn't pinch my finger.  sydney and man here parked on street and walked in.  resolved no receipt costco fill up sunday.  23.22 mpg.  12 cents/mile.

relaxation yoga

 i stayed in bed 'til 9.  woke at 5 slept to igor there's so much there.  i'm dreading the rain like dad did signalling no work.  i used to love the cozy feeling.  now i feel dread.

today's daily word 'let go let god'.  especially pertinent for muscle processing.  i have to keep re minding myself this ennui won't last forever even though it feels like forever.  joy doesn't have the same effect.  i wonder why.   feeling sad.

10 am senior lunch #6.  my calves sore from yesterday stretching.  my eyes stinging air quality moderate.  air now .gov.   walked, ambled 30 min still feeling sad and tired of feeling sad.  stretched tight leg muscles and back.  feeling hot ate some anti allergy and lemon drop for tummy.  eyes still stinging.  

watching senate supreme court hearing is a kangaroo court.  the republicans have already announced trump pick will be confirmed.  i'm glad i never had kids to suffer the world they're creating.  the future holds more non white murders.  i pray for the kids doomed by their race.  coney barrett wants convicted violent felons to have guns and the right to vote.  open season on non whites.

i have more tools for relaxation.  peggy cappy.  now i know why i bought so many blankets.   to use as bolsters.

igor on tv i feel happy.  daily word came today.  i made prepackaged bean soup.  i don't know how many years i've had it.  

more igor

 schadenfreude's igor punishes himself to avoid being hit by his master and mistress.  that's what we learn as kids.  if we punish ourselves the parents won't beat us.

hanging on

i'm watching the news looking for inspiration.  i'm feeling lost, abandoned, alone.  my shoulders are sore.  as a child i spent a lot of my life feeling sick from the physical emotional abuse.  i counted myself lucky my abuse came mostly from my sister.  mom was much stronger.  hurt more.  still lasting.

as i unlock muscles past pain is unlocked and released experienced.  post traumatic stress is more physical than emotional locking emotions away for survival.  can't perform distracted.  no time to mourn on a battlefield.

i started 'how to sing' lessons.  full body exercises.  my body.  breathing, posture, head and neck.  ouch.

people would be healthier if they stayed in their body.  they focus outside on food, drugs, gossip anything to escape the body.  

i wondered why seniors with the opportunity didn't exercise for health and happiness.  they're too tired.

lunch was ok.  9;55 #5.  home ride smooth they finally finished paving monroe.  

ted talk-matt walker on the importance of sleep.  

re mind ing

when the fear and uncertainty comeback i calm myself and re mind myself i'm ok.  i think myself calm by considering there is no imminent danger.  god has always loved me.  being human i need human love too.  

emotion trumps intellect.  emotion is a primal state.  intellect develops later.  that's why self change is so seemingly impossible.  emotions are survival hardwired to protect us immediately.  

trump uses emotions to short circuit thinking.  he uses emotions against people's intelligence.  no wonder he has no respect for anyone when he can manipulate so easily by saying ridiculous things to switch opponents from intellect to emotion.  he's trying to manipulate the virus fallout.  

i went shopping noting the changes safe way freebie p b $6, .98 iceberg, dollar store chips, fish oil, super b.  cooked clearance chicken smothered sliced onions microwaved.

a kinder world

to be kind=to be alike.  a world like me.  i'm watching twilight zone marathon decades on channel.  cbs 1986 more hope filled positive conclusions.  george r r martin editor maybe i'll check out 'game of thrones'.  themes went dark again so i got in car remembered gas.  went to lucky's halford found chicken and freebie kababs but no water.  bought chicken and went to saratoga for 3 waters using my $4 rewards then back to halford for freebie.  at home i felt tired and elated.  hungry i heated 2 servings freebie chicken kababs with 2 cookies dessert. 

the problems in the world would be cured by respect.  trump respects no one and nothing.  so while during obama biden 14,000 died of world wide pandemic virus during trump 213,000+ are still dying.

what say you

 sleeping to 'good omens' 3;30-6.  i don't know how i missed mention for all this time.  the book is 30 years old.  

i got up 7;14 to watch split second.  then 'forbidden planet'.  i'm having saturday for me.  no cleaning house, no working, living the life my sisters enjoyed.  i took care of all of us. i cooked, cleaned, shopped, i was cinderella.   i numbed out from physical, emotional, psychic pain to survive.  i'm coming alive and it hurts.

i went to pay citibank at halford closed, atms down.  called the number nothing.   i drove to saratoga paid it then lucky's, have water, out of freebie, got lettuce.  now that i have a method of cracking it open and using it from center out.  so i can load rewards points for water.  hurrah!!

i don't know.  this format is very frustrating.  it doesn't publish.  i had to go into blog and new post and then back. 

eh, i have tomorrow and monday.  

aaugh new format

i do not like the new format.  i'll get used to it or find somewhere else to journal or erase my posts.  i don't know.  i'm feeling threatened.  update fail pops up .  loading icon.  giving me a stomach ache.  and instead of just publishing it asks for confirm and then doesn't publish.  

aspergers doesn't like change.  it's perceived as imminent immediate danger.  purely reflexive.

i'm feeling panic i want to run away.  mom went outdoors and played in the yard.  

new beginning.  i just watched the pilot for 'family affair' broadcast 9/12/1966.  tv time machine.  

9;47 car #4 senior lunch queue i still want to run.  i'll take avocados for squirrels.  lots of problems with this format. the constant loading is distracting and pop up fail messages are disheartening.  

no signal for my games.  i don't know what i want to do about shopping.  fry safe way.  lucky fry freebie is repeat.  ok for free.  i'll have lunch through tomorrow.  i could go sat and pay bank.  i need cash from safe way to pay pge.  i don't know.

i checked out college safe way for tortillas and fry chili.  got cash.home toke left me cookies.  extra food for holiday 1 serving box cheerios and single serve tomato soup.  

suicide and alcoholism

since i have in my family history the prevailing  mind/spirit conditions that motivated and crafted this country for my own survival i made a study of the desperation and hope that drive immigrants.  fight and flight.  seeking a better world.  in my family history selfish reasons, not to better their children's lives but to increase the parents luxuries.  alcoholics are basically seeking not to live but achieve a false state of bliss using chemicals.  the key word is use.  tools are only as good as the craftsman and alcoholics are basically weak, lazy, stunted, immature children using excuses to continue using and abusing all around them.

what i've learned most importantly; anyone labeling me negative characteristics is using language to attempt to subjugate and gain power over me.  you have a problem with me you have the choice to go elsewhere to find someone better.  if you continue to attempt coercion the problem is you.

emotional resilience is extremely hard for me.  so much unnecessary pain exists because of the mental health pandemic rampant in this country.  it's become a way of life for too many.  it's the accepted normal.

racism is 'normal' in this country proved by electing president trump king of the mentally ill racists.  racism is a mental illness condition.  racism is the crystallization of the 'me superior you inferior' mindset.  insanity was required to own human beings.  cutting off human feelings to maim and torture enslaved both parties.  the 'owners' cut off their feelings maiming themselves before torturing the slaves.  owners dehumanized first themselves in order to convince themselves slaves were less than human.  this country was built on blood and insanity.

the jailer and prisoner effect.  both are two sides of the same coin.  both are prisoners.

dysfunction is continuing behaviors that have become obsolete and detrimental.  this country was constructed on slavery, indentured servants.  liberty and justice for all are still a dream.

100 years ago beating children in a threatening world taught immediate traumatic lessons about imminent threats; poisonous snakes, bears, falling off a cliff.   and yet children are still being beaten.  i was.  i was burned to expiate my sins.  what sins can a child have so heinous burning is required?  burn the adults.  children don't need to be punished, they need to be taught.  oscar hammerstein south pacific 'you've got to be taught'  sums up racism and fear.  we've been taught what functioned 100 years ago.  grow up america.       

unfortunately the majority think technology is a substitute for maturing, growing up.  children are technology savvy without the experience to make sound decisions.

intelligence is the ability to take facts in a logical order and determine a conclusion not the regurgitation of disparate facts to no purpose.  otherwise the dictionary or encyclopedia are intelligent.  people sadly believe smart phones and access to online facts makes them smarter.  technology makes no one smarter.  makes life easier lazier.  easier to insulate searching for opinions instead of facts.  we have a president trump who believes his opinions are facts.  how insane.