QUITE OK

I FELT GOOD UNTIL I OPENED MY BILLS.  THE RESPONSIBILITIES ARE ONEROUS.

TOO MUCH FOR TOO LONG.  I GUESS I'M FEELING ALONE.  I'M FEELING A LITTLE SAD.  I HAVE THE ENERGY TO FEEL SAD. 

ON MY WAY HOME.I SAW GRACIE AT HOMESTEAD KIELY BUS STOP.  I ASKED HER 'FRIEND' ABOUT HER THIS WEEK AND HE SAID SHE'S SUICIDAL I ASKED WHAT HE DID ABOUT IT HE TOLD THE CHURCH PASTOR,   WHAT A WIMP LIKE I THOUGHT.  HE BLAMES HER SON.  SAYS SHE'S CRAZY.  I TOLD HIM ASIAN MEN ARE SPOILED HE DENIED IT.  YEAH, RIGHT LIKE I HAVEN'T TWO EYES AND EARS.  WHEN I MET HIM I KNEW HE WAS WORTHLESS SELFISH ASIAN MAN USING GRACIE.  MAKES ME WONDER IF HE'S WHY SHE DOESN'T COME ANYMORE.

I HAD LUNCH, PUZZLED AND WENT TO MISS TO CHECK CHROME IN AND OUT.  BEA SAID I HAD 3 HOLDS AT CENTRAL I WENT TO PICK UP. 

IT'S BEEN MILD 64 o s.  MAYBE I'LL CHECK OUT YARD TOMORROW MAYBE NOT. 

READY, SET, GO

I CAN DO WHAT I WANT.  5 HOURS SLEEP.  I'M FINDING I SLEEP WHEN I'M TIRED.  PEOPLE WORRY ABOUT SLEEP.  I CAN SLEEP WHEN I WANT LIKE A BIG BABY.

I'M FREE.

ARRIVED SENIORS I DON'T KNOW.  TOOK MY TIME.  I DIDN'T KNOW WHERE I WANTED TO GO.  I DECIDED I'D DRESS, GET IN THE CAR AND SEE.  SATURDAY I GOT DRESSED AND UNDRESSED.  I CAN DO WHAT I WANT AND I EVEN STOPPED JUDGING MYSELF.

GOOD DAY

I EXERCISED 10;30 BOUGHT PANDA EXPRESS $8.94 2 ENTREES AND CHOW MEIN FOR LUNCH WATCHING REVENGE PINK PANTHER.  ANDREW SACHS PLAYS HERCULE POIROT IN LOONY BIN SO I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT HE REALLY SOUNDS LIKE.  I ENJOYED MYSELF.  I NAPPED A COUPLE HOURS, HAD WHOPPER FOR DINNER.  HEAVENLY. 

TYGJ.

I LIKE IT

I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 5.  SORE AND ITCHY FROM BIKING.  AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO.  I DON'T HAVE THE IMPETUS OF FEAR OR GUILT TO DRIVE ME TO EXERCISE OR THE LIBRARY.

I AM READY FOR MY BURGER AT 9;30.

I WATCHED 12TH LAST SEASON BIG BANG ALL AFTERNOON.  5 PM I WENT 8 MI TO CAMPBELL RETURNED AND PICKED UP BOOKS AND DVD.  STOPPED HAMILTON BURGER KING MORE EXPENSIVE NOT HOT FRESH AS MUCH LETTUCE ONIONS PICKLES.  HOME 6;30.  THE LATEST OUT DRIVING AND I FEEL GOOD

.

PLAYING

I WENT WALGREEN'S SMOKES, $ANTA MOUTHWASH NO KETTLE CHIPS.  OH, WELL.  I MAY EXERCISE I MAY NOT.  I'M DEFINITELY PLAYING.  WOO HOO....

I PICKED UP SMOKES AT WALGREEN'S, MOUTHWASH AND CORN CHIPS $STORE.

I PUZZLED AND PHYLLIS BROUGHT MARIE CALENDAR PUMPKIN PIE.  NOT AS GOOD AS I REMEMBER.  I IGNORED HELEN AND MARILYN.  HURRAH!!

I SHOWERED AND BIKED.  WALTER SHOWED UP.  WE TALKED ABOUT HIS DAD AND MY DAD AND CATHERINE LIBRARIAN BUTTED IN LIKE WE WERE TALKING WITH HER.  SO RUDE.  I WENT TO RESTROOM.  WHEN I CAME BACK SHE WAS DONE.  I DON'T LIKE HER ANY MORE.  I LIKE EVERYONE UNTIL THEY BETRAY, DISRESPECT ME. 

I TALKED WALTER THROUGH SOME OF HIS SADNESS.  I CAN SEE HOW FAR I'VE COME AND I STILL HAVE A LITTLE WAY TO GO. 

I WANT A JOB.  I WANT THE STRUCTURE.  I CAN'T SEE SPENDING THE REST OF MY LIFE WAITING TO DIE WHEN I CAN STILL BE OF SERVICE, 

VERY RELAXED

I WENT TO EXERCISE AT 8 AND FELT LIKE STAYING ALL DAY.  I CAN DO IT SATURDAY.  SENIORS AT 10 WAS VERY RELAXING.  I LISTENED TO SECRET CD AND PUZZLED.  NOT HAVING TO LISTEN TO MARILYN AND HELEN IS HEAVENLY. 

I COLLECTED THE DVD'S FOR LIBRARIES.  TOMORROW CITY AND SATURDAY COUNTY.  I'M DOING OK. 

I HAVE LITTLE TOMATOES ON MY PLANT.

BEST CHRISTMAS EVER.

I WOKE 6.  AT 8 I MADE LOADED OATMEAL SUNFLOWER SEEDS DRIED CHERRY PINEAPPLE.

I'M WATCHING THE 4 CHRISTMAS DVD'S I GOT YESTERDAY AT MAIN.

10;30 ATE TURKEY JERKY.  I WANT CHOW MEIN I DON'T FEEL LIKE DRIVING.  I DON'T KNOW WHERE I WANT TO GO TO GET IT.

I CALLED WALTER TO SEE WHAT HE WAS DOING.  HE'S PLANNING ON TAKING THE BUS TO PALO ALTO CHURCH.  I DON'T KNOW WHY HE'S NOT DRIVING. 

I DROVE TO CUPERTINO SAFEWAY NO HOT BAR, DELI.  NO CHOW MEIN.  I DROVE TO PANDA EXPRESS MARIA CLOSED.  SAFEWAY ACROSS STREET NOTHING BUT I FOUND SHINY DIME.  I ENDED UP AT TONG SOON $13 ONE ORDER I ATE AT 3 FOR LUNCH AND DINNER. 

CATHY SENT ME TEXT WOULDN'T DOWNLOAD I CALLED HER ON HER WAY OUT TO PICK UP LO MEIN GOING TO HER MOM. 

I WATCHED 3 CHRISTMAS DVD'S. 

8 YEAR OLD FLASHBACK

MY BACK IS ACHY AILEEN BEAT ON ME LIKE MOM BEAT ON HER LIKE DAD BEAT ON HER.  PECKING ORDER.  MOM WENT TO WORK.  I HAD TO WAIT FOR AILEEN TO COME HOME TO LET ME IN.  SHE ALWAYS TOOK OFF WITH FRIENDS.  I BECAME CONSCIOUS AND WATCHFUL FOCUSED ON SURVIVAL.  MITZI WENT TO BABYSITTER AND EMOTIONALLY HYPOCHONDRIAC.

I WOKE TO OLD DREAD.  THAT'S WHEN I STARTED HATING WAKING UP.  MOM'S ANXIETY ON KEEPING HER JOB.  THERE WERE NO JOBS FOR HER BACK HOME THAT'S WHY WE CAME HERE TO CALIFORNIA TO GET HER JOB.  SHE NEVER TRUSTED DAD TO TAKE CARE OF HER.  HE WAS ALCOHOLIC LIKE HER BROTHERS.  SHE HATED HOUSEWORK BEING HOUSEWIFE.  MOM WANTED TO BE LIKE DIVORCED AUNTIE HIDEKO WORKING.  AND AILEEN AND MITZI REPEATING PATTERN.  POOR AILEEN HAD TO DIVORCE LARRY.

UNCLE KATSUGI FOUND DAD A CARPENTER JOB AND AUNTIE KIYO WORKED AS SECRETARY TOO.  MOM HAD KIDS TO COMPETE WITH HER SIBLINGS.  MY FIRST TWO YEARS GRANDMA TOOK CARE OF ME SO MOM COULD WORK.  MOM WAS ALWAYS AFRAID DAD WOULD KILL HIMSELF LIKE DAD'S FATHER HUNG HIMSELF IN THE FRONT YARD THE FIRST YEAR THEY WERE MARRIED SAVING FOR A DOWN PAYMENT FOR THEIR OWN HOME.  DAD'S FATHER DRANK HIMSELF TO CANCER NEVER WORKED.  MOM SOUNDED LIKE SHE WAS PROUD OF HIS NEVER WORKING AND SHE'D BUY HIM BEER.  MOM COULDN'T UNDERSTAND HER MOTHER IN LAW NOT APPROVING.  OR MAYBE IT WAS SCHADENFREUDE.

very nice day.  not many people showed up lots of left overs. 

FEAR ANXIETY

LEAVING ME.  I FEEL EXHAUSTED AND EMPTY.  A LIFETIME OF FEAR IN THIS HOUSE.  IN EVERY NOOK AND CRANNY AND ESPECIALLY IN THIS BEDROOM.  I WOULD FEEL NUMB.  THE NEUROPATHY WAS SURVIVAL DEFENSE.  THIS HOUSE WAS INSTILLED WITH FEAR.

I DREAMED OF BUGSO COMFORTING ME WHEN ART ARMSTRONG GIVES AWAY MY CHRIST MAS GIFTS AND I HAVE TO RETRIEVE THEM.  MY EMPTINESS.

ONE DAY AT A TIME.

WHILE I LIKE FIXING THINGS I'VE NEVER ENJOYED FIXING PEOPLE.  I REFUSE.  AND YET THEY COME TO ME.  TOM WILL NEVER FIND THE PERFECT WOMAN.  HE HAS TOO MANY FOREVER FEMALES.  NIECES SISTERS COUSINS AND THEIR OFFSPRING.  LIKE RABBITS.  DEANA MUST BE REBELLING AGAINST HIS ENMESHED FAMILY.  HE ACCUSED ME OF TRYING TO CHANGE HIM WHEN I HAVEN'T SEEN HIM.

OH, WELL.  HE MUST HAVE LEARNED IT FROM HIS DAD.

I'M ENJOYING GOING IN AT 9, 10 O'CLOCK.  TODAY 10;30. 

WHAT I NEED

I NEED LOVE AND I DESERVE LOVE.  I'M WORKING ON IT.  ANY DAY NOW.

I LISTENED TO THE SECRET CD ALL AFTERNOON.  I CHECKED TO SEE IF I COULD FIND THE LITTLE SPEAKERS TOM GAVE ME.  NO.  I PUT IN IN THE DVD PLAYER AND IT WORKED.  IT WOULDN'T PLAY LOUISE HAY CD. 

I RESTED ALL DAY FROM YESTERDAY EXERCISE AND LAUNDRY. 

I MADE AND ATE BOX OF MAC AND CHEESE IN THE QUICK COOKER.  DELICIOUS.

PLAN

I WOKE 3;30, 4;30 WATCHED HOT IN CLEVELAND NAPPED 'TIL 10.  WATCHED SOME MORE DID MY SUPPLEMENTS.

I DREAMED DAD WAS RIDING A BANANA SEAT BIKE DEAD HEADING THE ROSES.  I ATTACH A PLASTIC BAG TO HIS HANDLEBARS.  I MAKE EVERYONE'S LIFE BETTER.  I'M RESOLVING MY EMOTIONAL ISSUES.

I CAN DO LAUNDRY, BUY DINNER LUCKY'S 3 X POINTS GET MY BK CARD.  CHECK WALMART OR DO MAINTENANCE.  I ALREADY PUT TOGETHER SUPPLEMENTS FOR THE WEEK.

2 PM I WENT ARQUES,  WASHED MY HAIR AND WAS GOING FAIR OAKS LAUNDRY WHEN I CHECKED WOLFE HAD PARKING AT FRONT DOOR.  MACHINES BUSY I WAITED AND PEOPLE WATCHED.  $2.75 DOUBLE LOAD.  I RETRIEVED SOURDOUGH BREAD FROM TRUNK AND FOUND HALF TURKEY SANDWICH FROM LAST MONTH.  THANKSGIVING HONEY BAKED. 

I ONLY HAVE ONE PAIR OF WALGREEN'S SWEATPANTS.  THEY'VE STOLEN ALL THE REST.  I HAVE 4 PAIR BLACK WORK OUT PANTS.  OH, WELL.

I'M HAVING FUN LIVING MY OWN LIFE.

PHYSICS AND METAPHYSICS

FOR THE FIRST TIME I FEEL I'M LIVING MY LIFE.  I DON'T OWE MY LOYALTY TO ANY ONE OR THING.  ME ME ME.

NOT FINDING ANYTHING FOR ANYONE FOR CHRISTMAS.  I WON'T BUY JUNK FOR ANYONE JUST TO GIVE THEM JUNK.  I DON'T DO THAT.  MY LIFE MUST HAVE MEANING.  I DON'T MAKE MEANINGLESS GESTURES.  I DON'T SPEAK TO HEAR MYSELF.

I CAN'T FIND PRESENTS TO BUY, I ALREADY HAVE THEM.  ALL THE GOOD I BOUGHT THIS SUMMER.  SOCKS, A D CREAM, AND I FOUND CANS OF MIXED NUTS, PROTEIN DRINK MIX.  I CAN WRAP AT THE LIBRARY. 

FEELING THE HEALING

THAT'S THE REASON FOR EXISTENCE.

I'M WATCHING ABOMINABLE.  LOTS OF SPECIAL FEATURES.  HOW TO MAKE A PAPER LANTERN.  THE BEST PART OF DVD.  BESIDES WATCHING FAVORITE BITS OVER AND OVER.

4 AM DREAM OF BIG WHITE BOARD LIKE 'BIG BANG' OR 'CLOSER' CHRONICLING MY LIFE.  AT FIRST I WANT TO ERASE MY PAST BUT I WANT TO REMEMBER WHAT I'VE LEARNED SO I GET A NEW ROLLING BLANK WHITE BOARD.  NEW ADVENTURES AND TREASURES.

LOTS OF GREAT LUNCH AND LEFTOVERS.  TURKEY, STUFFING, CRANBERRY SAUCE, GREEN MESCLA SALAD PECAN PEAR CRANBERRY, ROASTED RED POTATOES,

UNLIKE MY LIFE.

DOING WHAT I LIKE WHEN I LIKE.

I WENT TO G2 THEN CHECKED $SUNNYVALE.  2 CHIPS.  $SANTA ZERO.  IF I CAN'T FIND ANYTHING AT CAMPBELL OH,WELL. 

CRUISED INTO SENIORS 9;30 AND WAITED FOR THE BOOKMOBILE.  SO RELAXED FROM HOT TUB. 

I SPENT MOST OF MY LIFE TENSE NOT EVEN KNOWING LIFE COULD BE DIFFERENT. 

I DON'T OWE ANYONE.  I'M FREE FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.  AND IT JUST GETS BETTER. 

living vs acting

JUST WATCHED GERTRUDE LAWRENCE BIOPIC JULIE ANDREWS.  SHOWCASE FOR THE PERFORMERS NOT AUDIENCE.

I HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD AND I FEEL GREAT.  NOT A WHISPER OF ANXIETY OR FEAR.  I REJOICE.  I FEEL CALM AND ASSURED.

I WENT TO COSTCO FOR GAS AND CONTINUED TO ARQUES 24 TOOK MY TIME AND WENT TO SENIORS 9;30 PLENTY OF PARKING.  I WAS OVER THE MOON.  ALEX GAVE ME NEWSPAPER FOR MILK, GERDA GAVE ME TIN OF BUTTER COOKIES, ART BAG OF TREATS. 

GOOD DAY

FIRST DAY OF POOL SHUT DOWN.  LOTS OF OPEN PARKING. 

I NU STEPPED HALF HOUR AND SHOWERED.  CENTER CLOSING SHOWERS TOMORROW SO I'LL GET GAS AND SHOWER 24 FITNESS. 

I NEEDED REST YESTERDAY.  TODAY WAS GOOD.  I WENT TO UPDATE CHROME AT MISSION.  READ THE PAPER.  IT WAS SO HOT THERE.  HOME 4;30.

I MISS CATHY.  SHE FLEW OUT TODAY.  SHE GAINED 3 HOURS MINUS THE 5 HOUR FLIGHT. 

HAWAIIAN FUNERAL

MOM SEASON 4 DISC 3.  THAT'S WHY WW CALLED 1999 WHEN DAD DIED AND FOR SURE AILEEN TOLD HIM.  I'M RESTING ALL DAY DRIFTING IN AND OUT OF SLEEP OR IS IT.  LUCID MEDITATION.

THE DREAM IN WHICH I FORGAVE WW AND FREED MYSELF OF ALL ATTACHMENT.

I FINALLY STAYED AWAKE 4 PM.  I'M SO USED TO FORCING MY BODY LISTENING TO IT IS NEW. 

I'M WATCHING LIVE WELL NETWORK 'MOTION' TRAVEL SHOW; KALALAU TRAIL/BEACH KAUAI HAWAII.  5 DAY MAX LICENSE CAMPING. 

I'M FINISHING MY LETTER TO AUNTIE FOR CHRISTMAS.  AND CATHY'S CARD. 

MOM

SO FUNNY.

ROYAL WEDDING COLLECTION JAMES BROLIN SAYS DOG IS MAN'S BEST FRIEND BECAUSE HE WAGS HIS TAIL NOT HIS TONGUE, PLOW AROUND THE STUMPS.

GOOD ADVICE.

I ATE MASH H B POTATOES AND SOURDOUGH BREAD FOR BREAKFAST.  I FORGET WHAT I HAVE.  QUINOA AND SOUP FOR LUNCH.  I FIGURED GOING TO CENTRAL IS HALF MILE SHORTER THAN MISSION. 

MMM...

PANERA.   I TRIED TURKEY APPLE SALAD SANDWICH.  SO GOOD.  TODAY WAS LAST DAY FOR FREE BIRTHDAY PASTRY, CHERRY BRITTANY.  I FORGOT I WANTED TO TRY ALMOND CROISSANT. 

THE FAREWELL

CENTRAL HAD IT SO I WENT AND WATCHED IT.  I CRIED.  SEEING ASIANS AND THE ASIAN AMERICANS NOT A WHITEY TO BE SEEN.  NOT EVEN IN A MINOR ROLE.  I DIDN'T THINK ABOUT IT IN CRAZY, RICH ASIANS CONSTRUCTED LIKE A WESTERN FILM.  FAREWELL WAS DEFINITELY ASIAN THROUGH AND THROUGH.  I NEVER NOTICED BEFORE. 

KELLY

BE KRAZEE.  SHE WORRIES ABOUT EVERYTHING AND TOLD ME HER SIDE OF A PHONE/TEXT ROMANCE SHE'S HAVING.  SHE HASN'T MET HIM.  TWO MONTHS NOW.

I'M DOING PRETTY GOOD.  MY ARMS WERE SORE BUT I SWAM AN HOUR AND I FEEL GOOD.  EUPHORIC EVEN.  I LET MY PREFERENCE BE KNOWN TO 2 WOMEN TALKING LONG DISTANCE IN THE LOCKER ROOM AND SUGGESTED THEY STAND TOGETHER TO CONVERSE PREFERRED TO SHOUTING ACROSS THE ROOM.  I DON'T NEED TO HEAR THEIR CONVERSATION AND DON'T LIKE THE ECHOING VOICES. 

ROSE AND ELSIE AT LUNCH.  I CAN TAKE ONE NOT BOTH.  GERDA GAVE ME HER FISH.  SHE'S GOING GAMBLING TOMORROW. 

SU GAVE ME A STINKY BLK/GRY DRIED FOOD SWEATER WITH A 2 XL  STICKER FROM SOMETHING WITH RED FIBERS.  SO INSULTING TO GIVE IT AS NEW AND LIKE I'M TOO DUMB TO KNOW.  THE BEST PART WAS THE PLASTIC BAG IT CAME IN EXCEPT IT STANK UP MY CAR.  I HAD TO PUT IT ALL IN TRUNK.

.

I CAN ONLY IMAGINE

CAME OUT 2018 I DIDN'T LIKE BECAUSE I WAS SICK.  I DIDN'T KNOW IT'S BASED IN REALITY.  THE NEW ISSUE HAS SPECIAL FEATURES THAT EXPLAIN AND CLARIFY THE CHOICES MADE.

sitting

I'M CHECKING PCH.  I DON'T KNOW WHY PEOPLE GET TO SENIORS HALF HOUR EARLY AND SIT IN THE COLD AND DARK WHEN THEY COULD BE SITTING COMFORTABLY IN THEIR CARS.

I'M FEELING NEUTRAL.  MOST OF MY TYPING IS RIGHT HANDED.  MY SHOULDER AND ARM HAND FINGERS FEELS WEIRD.  OH WELL.

TYPICAL TOM TOLD ME INACCURATE.  HE FILLED OUT NEW APPLICATION IN PO.  RENEWALS ARE ALL DONE BY MAIL.  NO EXCEPTIONS.  AND IT'S $110.  HE PAID $16 FOR PO PHOTOS.  I CANCELLED TOMORROW NEW APPLICATION APPOINTMENT.

I'M HOME EXHAUSTED.

I SLEPT

THROUGH THE NIGHT.  I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I DID TO SLEEP SO SOUNDLY.  WHEN I WOKE MY HIPS HURT AND LAST NIGHT MY RIGHT HAND HAD TREMBLES FROM MY RIGHT NECK/SHOULDER.  WHEN I COULD KEEP THE MUSCLES STRETCHED AND RELAXED THE TREMORS WENT AWAY.  NOW MY RIGHT ARM FEELS BOUND AGAIN.  ACHY.  RIGHT SHOULDER SORE.  COULD BE FROM MY TAILBONE.  RIGHT HIP.

I USE MY TREMBLING FINGER THE MOST.  TYPING AND MANEUVERING AROUND THE

WHAT I LEARNED 1972; THE BIGGEST PAIN IS ALL YOU FEEL.  THE LESSER PAIN ISN'T NOTICED EVEN THOUGH THE DAMAGE MAY BE WORSE. 

WATCHING BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN WE'RE ALL ON A JOURNEY NOT ARRIVED.  THAT'S A PERFECT DESCRIPTION OF NO REASON FOR HUBRIS.  I'M WATCHING THE DOCUMENTARY BECAUSE OF BLINDED BY THE LIGHT.  BASED ON A TRUE STORY. 

TAKING TO JIMMY KIMMEL BRUCE TALKS ABOUT OSMOSIS.  KEN KEYES 100 MONKEYS.

I WAS TALKING TO KELLY ABOUT THINK AND GROW RICH NAPOLEON HILL RECOMMENDED READING BIOGRAPHIES. 

I'M FEELING WHIMSICAL

A LITTLE IN LOVE WITH YESTERDAY. 

I NEEDED CLING WRAP AND STOPPED AT $STORE.  GOT 2.5 GAL, ONLY HAD 1 BAG KETTLE CHIPS, HUGE SPATULA AND COLORED PENS TOO. 

TODAY WAS SANTA'S PANCAKE SAUSAGE BREAKFAST.  15 FAMILIES CANCELLED JOANNE INVITED ME.  I ATE HALF.  I EXERCISED, WENT TO SPROUTS FOR BUY ONE GET TWO KETTLE CHIPS.  WENT TO CENTRAL TO READ PAPERS AND CHARGE CHROME.  ATE PANCAKE SAUSAGE CHIPS FOR LUNCH.  LOVELY WARM ON RAINY DAY. 

HOME BY 5 RESTED AND RELAXED.

IT'S ME

I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 3.  I LIKE HAVING TIME TO DO WHAT I WANT.  WATCHED MOM DVD.  MADE OATMEAL AND HAM.  I THINK LAST NIGHT'S BBQ RIBS WOKE ME.

I LUCID DREAMED I VISITED WILLIAM IN HEAVEN.  HIS BUNGALOW.  I FOUND MAGAZINE WITH PICTURE OF FINISHED LATCH HOOK RUG I STARTED AND DONATED.  IT HAD SEQUINED FISH IN PAISLEY CENTER.  HE'S OK.

YESTERDAY YOUNG MEXICAN MAN APPROACHED ME IN HONEY BAKED PARKING LOT FOR BATTERY JUMP FOR HIS VAN.  HE WAS FURTHER DOWN THE STREET IN THE NEXT PARKING LOT SO I OFFERED TO CALL TRIPLE A BUT HE SAID HE WAS IN A HURRY AND LEFT.  BY THE TIME I WENT INTO STORE HE'D FOUND SOMEONE ELSE.

PEOPLE ARE ALWAYS ASKING ME FOR HELP.  MUST BE MY FACE.

BEST DAY EVER.  I CHARGED CHROME IN GYM AND CUT INTERNET CONNECTION WIPING ALL SETTINGS.  WALTER SHOWED UP BEFORE LUNCH AND STAYED ALL AFTERNOON.  LUNCH SANG TO ME.  WALTER MADE APPOINTMENT FOR ME AT AGNEW PO AND TOM CALLED SINGING.  TOM DID WALK IN TO MAIN DESK TO RENEW PASSPORT.  I HAVE APPOINTMENT FOR BACK UP.  I PUZZLED 'TIL 4;30 WHEN WALTER REMINDED ME I WENT FOR ROUND TABLE AND DENNY'S FREEBIES.  DELICIOUS.

BEST DAY EVER.

SORE

FROM RUNNING AROUND YESTERDAY.  MAYBE IT'S THE BOURBON BREAD PUDDING.  I WOKE WITH A STOMACH ACHE THAT WENT AWAY EATING OATMEAL. 

I STAYED THIRSTY ALL DAY AND DRANK MY TURMERIC PROTEIN SHAKE.  I REALIZED I DON'T HAVE MIDDLE CHILD SYNDROME BECAUSE GRANDMA RAISED ME FIRST TWO YEARS AND UNTIL I WAS 4 AND WE LEFT HAWAII I WAS EVERYBODY'S DARLING.  AND AT 8 I IDENTIFIED WITH CINDERELLA DUE TO BEING MADE RESPONSIBLE FOR COOKING AND CLEANING, 

I WENT TO COUNTY AND GOT ANOTHER COPY OF KELLY HOWELL'S SUBLIMINAL CD.  I CONSIDERED WHAT I WANTED TO DO NEXT AND WENT TO HONEY BAKED AND BOUGHT THE SAMPLER.  INSPIRED. 

THEN ON TO CENTRAL.  I PAID PROPERTY TAX.  THE FEE IS SEPARATE FOR EACH INSTALLMENT SO I DID ONE.  IF I COULD HAVE SAVED ONE FEE I WOULD HAVE PAID IT ALL.  9 BUCKS IS 9 BUCKS.  I'LL GET POINTS.

I ATE LEFT OVER LUNCH, EH.  AND HONEY BAKED RIBS 4 PRETTY GOOD.  SLEEPY.

AQUA SMOKES TASTE BAD.  I PREFER THE ORGANIC GOLD.

TOMORROW ST NICHOLAS DAY.

CLEAN UP THERAPY

I STARTED LOOKING THROUGH MY THINGS.  I HAVE SO MUCH.  THEY HAVE SO MUCH AND YET CONTINUE TO STEAL FROM ME.  I FOUND A BRAND NEW LAP BLANKET STILL FOLDED IN PACKAGE.  I CONSIDERED GIVING IT TO WALTER SINCE HE DIDN'T TAKE THE LAST BLANKET I GOT FROM ST CLARE'S.  I DESERVE NEW TOO.

I'M WATCHING THE BACKGROUND TO 'IT'S A  WONDERFUL LIFE' FROM THE SHORT STORY 'THE GREATEST GIFT' SHORT STORY BY PHILLIP VAN DOREN STERN.  I WANT TO READ THE ORIGINAL.

BOOKMOBILE WAS FINE.  I RETURNED 1 AND FOUND 1.

WALTER CAME BY SENIORS I GAVE HIM LOCOMOTIVE ENGINE AND ASKED IF HE WANTED A LEOPARD SNUGGLE.  HE DOESN'T LIKE THE SLEEVES OR PRINT.

I LEFT AT 1;30 FOR 3 FLAMES TO HEAR VITALITY MEDICARE.  HOUR & HALF.  THEY'VE ONLY EXISTED 2 YEARS.  2 OF 5 SIGNED UP LAST YEAR AND COULDN'T GET THEIR QUESTIONS ANSWERED ANY OTHER WAY.  I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

I STOPPED AT $.99 SAN CARLOS AND $DOLLAR TREE.  CELERY, CAULIFLOWER, 2 SOUPS, 3 HOT PINK 2 X TEES.  AND THEN WALGREEN'S SMOKES.  HOME.

I FOUND LITTLE PURPLE BAG IN MY GYM LUGGAGE.

STILL HAVEN'T FOUND PURPLE BAG

I WONDER IF THEY STOLE IT.  TIME FOR A NEW BAG. 

4 AM

I HAVE ALL THE TIME I NEED.  I GOT TO SENIORS 15 MINUTES EARLY EXERCISED AND WENT TO CARLOS' HE BROUGHT ME BACK AND I HAD SUNDAY'S PAPER FROM ART.  LUNCH WAS GOOD BEEF AND GRAVY, BAKED POTATO, SPINACH, BREAD STICK.  I PUZZLED, ALEX GAVE ME TODAY'S PAPER.  2 PM I CALLED CARLOS.  READY.  $153 ON DISCOVER POINTS.  SO MUCH MORE MANAGEABLE.  BACK BY 2:30 TO PUZZLE 'TIL 5;30.

HOME 5 I MADE AND ATE LINGUINE WITH HOT DOGS AND BEST MUSHROOM OLIVES SAUCE.

HEAVEN.

I WAS TERRIFIED.  I'M BETTER.

UP SINCE 5

WOKE WITH TERROR.  NOTHING NEW.  MY CHILDHOOD WAS ONE OF DREAD.  I FELT SAFEST AWAY FROM HERE.

'IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE' WAS ON TV LAST NIGHT.   I WENT TO BED SLEEPY TIRED.

I'M STILL GETTING USED TO LIVING MY OWN TIME UN REGIMENTED BY WHAT I THINK I NEED TO DO, WHEN TO GO.  A NEW LEVEL OF FREEDOM.  I DO WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT.  I CAN'T WRAP MY MIND AROUND IT.  I HAVE TO JUST BE WITH IT.  I'VE LIVED MY LIFE ACCORDING TO THE DICTATES OF WHAT EVERYONE ELSE EXPECTED.  IT GIVES ME THE SHIVERS.  I'M IN BED WATCHING 'MOM' SHIVERING AND SHAKING OUT THE OLD ME.  APPROPRIATE TO WATCH PEOPLE CHANGING, GROWING INTO NEW LIVES.

AFTER LUNCH AND HALF HOUR NAP I WATCHED THE EPISODE HER DAD DIES.  AT LEAST HE WAS HAPPY.  MY DAD MADE HIMSELF AND US MISERABLE.  MARJORIE ASKED CHRISTY HOW SHE WAS DOING AND SHE SAYS SHE DOESN'T KNOW SHE HASN'T HAD TIME AND I STARTED CRYING.  I NEVER HAD TIME AND NO ONE EVER ASKED.

I WENT G2 2;30 IN THE RAIN.  I CHECKED $TORE FOR CHRISTMAS PRESENTS ZERO AND CAME HOME 4;40 BEFORE DARK. 

ch-ch-changes

YESTERDAY I COULDN'T GET MEDIUM  D 3 TO PLAY SO I STARTED WATCHING MOM AND DISC 2-7 WOULDN'T PLAY AND TODAY WORKS.

UP SINCE 4;30.  MY BACK IS EXCRUCIATING FROM STAYING HOME NOT WEARING BRACE.  I MAY HAVE OVER STRETCHED.  

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MOM WAS TAKING CARE OF HER SINCE I WAS 8 SO SHE WOULDN'T KILL ME.  SHE BLAMED ME FOR EVERYTHING.  THAT'S WHAT BULLIES DO.  BLAME OTHERS.  I'M HORRIBLY WOUNDED.  I CAN'T DENY IT ANY MORE.  THE FACT SHE HATED ME/HERSELF DOESN'T MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY.  IRONIC I'M BLAMING HER.  I FEEL UNLOVABLE.

INNER CHILD WORK HAS GOTTEN ME TO ADMIT THE TRUTH.  WHEW!!

AND I FOUND MY SOFT BLACK FINGER FREE GLOVES.  MY TASK FOR THE DAY.  I STOPPED $SANTA SET TO BLOG 8:46.  oh my back aches.  I WENT TO EXERCISE SENIORS, RENEWED CHROMEBOOK AND THEN CHASE.  HALF MY BANKING PAYING BILLS. 

AT CENTRAL LIBRARY I BORROWED MORE 'MOM' READ THE NEWSPAPERS.  SAW 'IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE' ON TV SO I BORROWED TO AVOID COMMERCIALS.  LOOKING FOR IT I FOUND 'IT WAS A WONDERFUL LIFE' ON INVISIBLE HOMELESS WOMEN.  1992.  MELISSA ETHERIDGE A PRODUCER.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND.  AT THE END OF THE FILM IT MENTIONS LOU KILLED HERSELF.  HOW DID THESE RICH LA PEOPLE WALK AWAY AND NOT HELP THESE WOMEN THEY HUMILIATED BY DOCUMENTING THEIR WOUNDEDNESS.  THEY COULD HAVE TRIED TO SAVE THEM
FROM THEMSELVES BY FINDING THEM SHELTER, JOBS, MENTAL HELP,  THEY USED THEM LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD.

MOTIVATED ME TO GO TO PAY BILLS.  I REMEMBERED CAR SERVICING MONDAY. 

RECYCLING PEOPLE.  PEOPLE TREATED LIKE KLEENEX.  USED AND THROWN AWAY.  BLAMED FOR EXISTING. 

GROWN UPS HAVE CHOICES

BLACK FRIDAY-I SPENT MY ADULT LIFE WORKING RETAIL THE BIGGEST SALE DAY OF THE YEAR.

CHILDREN ARE PRISONERS.  I DON'T THINK MOM EVER MADE A DECISION CONCERNED WITH KIDS.  I KNOW FOR SURE DAD CONSIDERED US PROPERTY NOT PEOPLE BY THE WAY HE TREATED US.  THEY WERE BIG DESTRUCTIVE KIDS.  THEY NEVER GREW UP 'TIL THE DAY THEY DIED AND EVEN THEN THEY WEREN'T VERY MATURE.  LIFE IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AND YET THEY WENT OUT OF THEIR WAY TO REFUSE IMPROVEMENT.  RESISTING POSITIVE CHANGE IS FOOLISH.

I'VE BEEN FLASHING BACK TO 1160 LAWRENCE STA RD.  QUARTER ACRE ACROSS JEFFERSON JUNIOR HIGH BEHIND THE SHELL GAS STATION AND STORE NOW 7-11 BEFORE BELONGING TO HAWAIIAN MAN.

I NEVER HAD ANY MONEY.  MITZI AND AILEEN WERE DAUGHTERS WHILE I WAS THE SCAPEGOAT.  I WAS SURE I WAS ADOPTED.  I WAS CINDERELLA.  MITZI WAS TOO LITTLE 3 AILEEN 13 BIGGER THAN ME SO I HAD TO BABYSIT AND START DINNER OR GET BEAT UP AND PUNISHED BY MOM WHEN AILEEN LIED.  SHE'D TAKE OFF TO HANG OUT WITH HER FRIENDS.  JUST LIKE MOM AND DAD.  WEEKENDS THE FAMILY WOULD GO SHOPPING, RUN ERRANDS FOR THE WEEK AND MOM AND DAD LEFT AILEEN IN CHARGE WHILE THEY WENT OFF WITH THEIR FRIENDS.  AILEEN WOULD DISAPPEAR AND IT WOULD BE ME AND MITZI.

SO I THOUGHT MITZI WAS MY FRIEND BUT SHE SAW BEING LIKE THEM WAS EASIER FOR HER.  AND THE REST OF THE WORLD.

THE CLIMATE CHANGE AND POLLUTION THAT'S POISONING THE PLANET IS DISRESPECT.  I'M SUFFERING LIKE THE PLANET.  ONE OF MAYBE A THOUSAND OR TEN OR A HUNDRED THOUSAND CARES TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.  THE CHILD MIND LEAVES IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DO.  ONLY CARES ABOUT ITSELF AND INSTANT GRATIFICATION.

THAT'S HOW I GOT SO SICK.  I'M THE ONE WHO CARES.  I TOOK CARE OF THE PARENTS.  THEY'D SACRIFICE ME IN A SPLIT SECOND.

WE COULD MOBILIZE THE HOMELESS TO CLEAN UP THE PLANET.  BUT WHY WOULD THEY.

2:30 I GET THAT MY RETICENCE TO GO ANYWHERE IS FROM MY BODY SAYING NO.  I FORCED MYSELF TO DO AND BE.  TODAY I'M EATING, NAPPING DOING NO THING.

THANK YOU GOD JESUS

I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 4;30.  I'M TAKING MY TIME.  I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL.  I NEVER SPECIFIED THE PEACE I'VE CRAVED.  I HAVE PEACE.  I ALSO HAVE THE EXTERNALIZED CHAOS I FELT AS A CHILD.

THE FAMILY WAS ALL ABOUT APPEARANCES.  MOM ALWAYS WORRIED WHAT THE NEIGHBORS WOULD THINK.  THAT'S WHY WE LEFT HAWAII.  MOM AND DAD ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT LOOKING GOOD.

AND I NEVER CARED.  I WANT TO FEEL GOOD.  I CAN'T SEE HOW I LOOK ANYWAY.  UNLESS I SPEND MY LIFE WITH A MIRROR.

REVELATION; MOST PEOPLE LOOK FOR MIRRORS TO REFLECT THEMSELVES.  

TOM'S REASON FOR LIVING.  TO GAZE UPON HIMSELF.  THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE.  TO SEE THEMSELVES IN THE WORLD AROUND THEM.

I'M CONSTANTLY AMAZED.

I WENT TO 24 HOUR 10:30 AND DIDN'T HURT.  MIRACLE.  AT NOON I DROVE TO ST CLARE, PARKED AT LIBRARY 2 BLOCKS.  IT WAS BEAUTIFUL AND SUNNY.  SHORT LINE INSIDE.  I SAW WALTER.  HIS SISTER TEXTED HIM NOT TO COME OVER.  HER LOSS.  WE HAD A GREAT TIME.  AT LEAST I DID.  THEN AT 2 WE RALLIED TO FIRST PRESBYTERIAN.  WHITE ATTITUDE CHURCH.  LEFT 4:20.  BEST THANKSGIVING EVER.  NO FIGHTS YELLING.

VISION

TARGET MY PERFECT WORLD.  I HAVEN'T CONSISTENTLY USED THE TOOLS I HAVE AVAILABLE.  LIKE HAVING TO EXERCISE TO BE HEALTHY STAYING FOCUSED ON THE WORLD I WANT AROUND ME DEMANDS CONSIST PERSISTENT DISCIPLINE.  I CAN DO THAT.  IT'S WHAT I'M BEST AT. 

VISUALIZE, VISUALIZE, VISUALIZE.  MAKE IT A HABIT.  I FEEL HAPPY.  THE SOLUTION TO BEING ME. 

TRUMP WORLD

IN THE PAST LIED AND CHEATED ME.  I FORGIVE DAD AND GET ON.  I PROBABLY WAS THE SAME IN PAST LIFE.  I FORGIVE MYSELF.

THAT WAS WEIRD.  I WROTE OUT MY DREAM AFTER 15 MINUTES OF SLEEP AND THE PARAGRAPH DISAPPEARED.  OH, WELL.

TRUMP IS THE KING LIAR CHEATER.

I DROVE TO AGNEW POST OFFICE AND IT'S APPOINTMENT ONLY.  DRY RUN.  HALF AN HOUR DRIVING HOME JUST AS IT STARTED RAINING.  IT'S SO DARK.  GOOD THING NOT TODAY.  I DON'T FANCY DRIVING IN THE DARK COLD RAIN.

I JUST SPENT 2 HOURS ONLINE TRYING TO FILL OUT AND SCHEDULE PASSPORT RENEWAL FOR NOTHING.  I'M FEELING SUCH FRUSTRATION.

I HAD BEANS AND FRANKS.  YUM.  YUMMY MY TUMMY AND MY FRUSTRATION IS GONE.

I AM A SIMPLE BASIC PERSON.

check engine tire pressure

LIGHTS CAME ON 40 DEGREE WEATHER.  MY CARS HAVEN'T LIKED COLD WEATHER.  I DO.  INVIGORATES ME.

I'VE BEEN THINKING OF ERIC.  HE WAS A GOOD MECHANIC.  DOING HIS BEST.  I THINK I UNDERSTAND HIS LOYALTY TO HIS DAD WOULDN'T LET HIM SUCCEED AT HIS OWN DREAM.  HE ALWAYS STARTED OUT GREAT OPENING A NEW CLUB AND JUST COULDN'T CONTINUE BELIEVING  HE COULD DO IT AND SELF SABOTAGED.

I LOVE MY FAMILY.  HE WAS MY BROTHER.  TOM WAS SO JEALOUS.

MAYBE NOT THE BEST FOR ME THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT.  DYSFUNCTIONAL.  WATCHING 'DRIVEN' ABOUT JOHN DE LOREAN.  EVERYBODY'S DYSFUNCTIONAL.  AND HE WAS INDEED DRIVEN TO CRIME ATTEMPTING TO REALIZE HIS DREAM.

I WANT TO FIND MY PERFECT;Y IMPERFECT FAMILY.

I WANTED SMOKES WALGREEN'S AND REMEMBERED PASSPORT PHOTO.  DONE AND DONE.

THEY CAN'T LOVE ME THEY DON'T LOVE THEMSELVES.   MITZI AND CRAIG ARE MOM AND DAD.  AILEEN IS AUNTIE HIDEKO.  AILEEN NEVER LOVED LARRY.  SHE WOKE AND TOLD ME THE NIGHT SHE MET HIM HER BEST FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND SHE'D MARRY HIM BECAUSE SHE COULD MANIPULATE HIM. 

TOM LIES TO MANIPULATE.

I'M COMMITTED TO LIVING MY OWN LIFE.  ANYTHING LESS IS DEATH.

SO SAD

I'M FEELING MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN SAD.  BECAUSE IT HAS.  MY FAMILY HAS BEEN DEPRESSED.  ALL OF US.  THEY CAME TO THE MAINLAND TO ESCAPE AVOID AND IT DIDN'T WORK.  MOM AND DAD CONDEMNED ALL OF US.

AILEEN AND MITZI ARE TRYING TO ESCAPE WHAT'S INSIDE THEM.  WHERE EVER THEY GO THERE IT IS.  THE ONLY WAY TO GET OVER IT IS TO GO THROUGH IT.

I WOKE TO 'O-O-O-ORINDA' IN MY HEAD.  I GOOGLED ORINDA, CA.  ORINDA WAS NAMED FOR CATHERINE PHILLIPS.  KNOWN FOR BEING A SUCCESSFUL FEMALE AUTHOR.  ALSO APHRA BEHN 14 DEC 1640-16 APR 1689.  I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT ORINDA MEANS.

I WANT MY LIFE MORE FUN.

I SKIPPED EXERCISE AND BOUGHT LUNCH @ SARATOGA LUCKY'S, HAM AND ROAST TURKEY, FROZEN MIXED VEG.  I ATE, RESTED AND NAPPED.  IF I DID THIS EVERY DAY I'D GET BORED.  TODAY WAS GOOD.  I MADE NOODLE SOUP WITH TURKEY AND OPENED VEG SOUP WITH HAM.

STILL DON'T KNOW

I WANT TO BE LOVED AND RESPECTED.  WON'T BE LUNCH WITH TOM.

LYING IS THE ULTIMATE IN DISRESPECT.  MOM WAS TOO EASY TO LIE TO.  I COULDN'T LIE.  I FELT UNEASY LYING TO HER.  I THINK LYING MAKES THE BODY SICK.  CERTAINLY ISN'T HEALTHY BEING IN SITUATIONS WHERE LYING IS REQUIRED.  TOM HATED WILL.  DIDN'T WANT TO ADMIT THE SIMILARITIES.

LYING ASSUMES THE RECEIVER IS LESS INTELLIGENT.  CAN BE LIED TO, DOESN'T KNOW OR DESERVE THE TRUTH.  ASSUMES A DISPARITY, INEQUALITY. 

DENIAL IS SELF LYING FOR SURVIVAL.  WHEN THE CRISIS HAS PASSED THE LYING MUST STOP.  I PRAY FOR MY SISTERS.  ALL MY FAMILY.

HE WANTED TO KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT OF DEANA.  SHE'S OK ANOTHER DR DEBBIE, VICTORIA, ETC.  JUST ONE OF THE HERD.  HE HASN'T CHANGED. 

I DID GET A NICE LUNCH PANERA AND ALMOND CROISSANT PEET'S.  I GAVE HIM THE PEET'S CARD $8.60 BALANCE.  DONE AND DONE.

PLANNING

I LOVE HAVING MY PLANS EXECUTED.  I GET SUCH A SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT.  I RECYCLED DANNY'S $7.   7 MINUTES.

MY LEFT LEG HAS BEEN THROBBING LIKE 1972.  JUST ACHING.  WHEN I STRETCH MY LOWER BACK IT GOES AWAY UNLIKE 1972 WHEN I DAMAGED THE NERVES.  AND MY TAILBONE ACHES IN WAVES.

LUNCH WAS OK.  BBQ TINY CHICKEN, MASH, BROCCOLI CAULIFLOWER, BREAD STICK.  I BINGE WATCHED MEDIUM AND REALIZED I WATCHED 7 INSTEAD OF SEASON 6.  THEY KILLED OFF JOE.  TOO SAD.  I CONSIDERED NOT RETURNING DVD PAYING .25 TOTAL 1.5.  I DON'T LIKE LATE.  I DROVE DUSK AND DARK.  FOUND 3 DVD AT CUPERTINO MUCH NICER DRIVE.  BACK WAY AVOIDED TRAFFIC JAMS. 

I'M STILL FEELING TIRED. 

i did it again

I ACCIDENTALLY CLOSED OUT MY TABS AGAIN AND IT'S GETTING EASIER RESETTING.  I'M SO TIRED.  I'M TIRED OF DOING EVERYTHING ALONE. 

MY ONION, SPINACH, CHEESE OMELETTE WAS DELICIOUS.  I HAD 2 SLICES SOUR DOUGH BREAD.  MY CANISTER OF BAG CLIPS IS GONE FROM THE TOP OF THE FRIDGE.  OH, WELL. 

long night

9-11-3-4-5-5:30.  SLEEPING LIKE A BABY.  WAKING UP TERRIFIED ALL NIGHT.

I'LL TRY THE PASSPORT THING.  I'M GATHERING INFO.  

I RENEWED CHROME, PAID DISCOVER.

I'M BINGE WATCHING MEDIUM 6.  THIS MORNING IT RENEWED THEN WHEN I DOUBLE CHECKED IT DIDN'T.  OH, WELL.

I'M WAITING FOR TOM TO CALL AFTER HIS DENTIST TODAY.  HIS EXCUSE FOR POSTPONING YESTERDAY.  I CAME HOME TO REST AND BE GENTLE.  HE'S SO FAMILY.  IT BRINGS BACK MEMORIES OF THE CHAOS. 

HE ALWAYS DENIED ME MY FEELINGS AND LIKE MY FAMILY IGNORED THE DISRESPECT AND ABUSE.  HE LIED TO ME THE ENTIRE TIME I'VE KNOWN HIM.  HIS FAMILY IS LIKE MINE.  HIDING SECRETS AND PRETENDING. 

AT LEAST THE TENSION AND ANXIETY I FEEL I CAN ASSIGN TO WATCHING MEDIUM.  THAT'S WHY PEOPLE LIKE SCARY SO MUCH.  IT GIVES THEM A SCAPEGOAT FOR WHAT THEY FEEL.

CONUNDRUM

IF I GO TO LAFAYETTE P O I MAY BE DISAPPOINTED.  TOM SAID HIS PASSPORT RENEWAL EXP 1983 TOOK AN HOUR AND $16 THAT'S 1 6.

I DON'T KNOW.  SHALL I TRUST HIM?  IT'S ON ME.

I'M BEHIND ON MOVIE VIEWING AND TODAY'S BOOK MOBILE DAY.  LATER.

I SWAM, WATCHED HOBBS SHAW AND 11 WALTER SHOWED UP TO DROP OFF HOLIDAY GROCERIES.  HE GAVE ME SWISS MISS COCOA.  I GAVE HIM MY BELL PEPPER FILLED SALAD.  BEEF STROGANOFF LUNCH WAS GOOD OR MAYBE THE 25 WORD SEARCH BOOKS SOMEONE DROPPED OFF.  HELEN NOTICED THEM AND TOOK 6.  IF NOT FOR HER I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE SEEN THEM ON THE FLOOR FEELING SAD LIKE I DO.  WE COMMISERATED FOR 2 HOURS. 

I WENT TO CENTRAL TO WATCH DVD AND READ NEWSPAPER.  CAME HOME ATE LEFT OVERS.  OK. 

DANAAN PARRY 1985-86

AFTER I DECIDED NOT TO BUY ANY MORE BOOKS EARTH STEWARDS LITERALLY JUMPED OFF THE SHELF SO I BOUGHT IT AT RAINBOW BRIDGE METAPHYSICAL BOOKSTORE SAN JOSE.  I READ THE BOOK AND LATER ROSE FROM FIRST  CHURCH OF RELIGIOUS SCIENCE WE ATTENDED TOOK ME TO A MEETING IN OAKLAND SHORTLY BEFORE THE BERLIN WALL CAME DOWN.

THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.  CONFLICT RESOLUTION.

I WANT TO BE IN RECYCLING.  RESPECT THE EARTH.

TOM CALLED.  SAYING AGAIN HE WANTS TO RETURN MY STORAGE STUFF.  BUT THEN HE DOESN'T.  I'VE OFFERED TO MEET HIM AT STORAGE HIS PLACE ANYWHERE BUT HE SAYS NO.  OH, WELL.

slept

I WAS SO TIRED ALL DAY YESTERDAY.  TODAY I DON'T KNOW.  I'M STUNNED.  I MAY WAIT 'TIL NEXT YEAR TO GET MY REAL I D. 

I DON'T KNOW THE REAL ME.  I'VE BEEN SO ABUSED SURVIVING THE BEST I COULD. 

1978 TODAY JONES TOWN.  WHEN I EARNED MY HYPNOTHERAPY CERTIFICATE A BLACK FEMALE SURVIVOR CAME AND SPOKE ON VISUALIZATION.  SHE PURPOSEFULLY, CONSCIOUSLY REPROGRAMMED HER THINKING AND WAS ABLE TO RETURN TO SAN FRANCISCO BEFORE THE PARANOIA TOOK ALL THOSE LIVES.

MY THINKING CAN SAVE ME.  WHAT I WANT MY LIFE TO BE.

RACCOONS

OR RATS ON THE TIN ROOF SCURRYING, WAKING ME.  MAYBE WHAT SCARED DAD INTO LIVING ROOM.  IRONIC SINCE HE PUT UP THE TIN ROOF.  I NEVER CONNECTED MY INSOMNIA WITH THE FAUNA.

I DID MY SUNDAY ROUTINE CLAIMING MY FREE OLIVE HUMMUS $4.75, TWO CLEARANCE 11/19 SELL BY ASPARAGUS CHICKEN WRAPS, ICEBERG LETTUCE.

I FINALLY CLEARED LIQUID CELERY MESS.  AND THE BEST PART IS I DON'T CARE THE HOUSE IS A MESS.  I NO LONGER HEAR MY FAMILY CRITICIZING AND CONDEMNING ME.  GONE, DEAD NOT FORGOTTEN.  MY BACK AND STOMACH SUPPORTING ME IN IGNORING THEIR VOICES.  I STILL WORRY THE YARD IS A HAZARD BUT NOTHING I'M CAPABLE OF WITHOUT MAKING MYSELF SICK AGAIN.

I'LL BE ABLE WHEN THE FAMILY IS COMPLETELY GONE AND I DON'T NEED RE MINDING.

I DIDN'T WANT TO GO ST JUSTIN BUT FOR NOW IT'S MY JOB.  I WENT WHEN I FELT LIKE IT 12:30.  THEY TOLD ME THE CHRISTMAS SALE WAS IN THE BIG HALL SO I WENT TO LOOK.  JOHN AND MARTHA WERE THERE SELLING MORE HEMATITE JEWELRY.  I BOUGHT 13 FOR $10.  I ASKED JOHN FOR A BAKER'S DOZEN.  3 WERE DOUBLES.

HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

feeling terrible

MY SPIRIT AND BODY.  TORTURED FOR MY LIFETIME.  DENIED LOVE AND COMFORT.  I WAS BEATEN PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY.  ALL I DENIED HAPPENED TO ME IS RISING TO THE SURFACE.  I CAN'T DENY ANY LONGER.  ILLNESS, DIS EASE IS ENERGY NO LONGER DENIED.  MY FEELING WEAKNESS IS THE CHILD IN ME BEATEN WITHOUT MERCY.

MY PRECIOUS BODY IS THE TREASURE CHEST OF MY EXPERIENCES, STOREHOUSE OF MY MEMORIES.  RE MEMBER ING RECONNECTS MY MIND AND BODY ALLOWING ME TO HEAL MENTAL/SPIRITUAL WOUNDS.

I MAY BE AN EXTROVERT.  I DON'T KNOW.  I AVOIDED MY FAMILY AND RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE I PICKED PEOPLE TOXIC TO ME TO RESOLVE FAMILY ISSUES.  SEE HARVILLE HENDRIX.  I CAN IGNORE TOXIC PEOPLE.  HUZZAH!!

I CAN FIND HEALING PEOPLE

upset

SILENT UNITY DAILY WORD SERENITY.  I'M NOT FEELING IT.  MY STOMACH IS UPSET.  I NEED TO PUT IN A PRAYER REQUEST.  I'M HAVING PASSWORD PROBLEMS DUE TO MY ANXIETY AND DIS EASE.  WRITING HELPS BUT WHY SHOULD I SUFFER NEEDLESSLY.  CLEARLY I WASN'T THINKING CLEARLY.  I'M STILL NOT USED TO ASKING AND RECEIVING HELP.

IT'S BEEN A TOUGH WEEK.  I HAVE TO CALL DR CHUNG FOR RESULTS FOLLOW UP TOO.

THE HOUSE TOO.  HELP.

I'M FOLLOWING SPIRIT AS BEST I CAN.  THE BIG THINGS IN MY LIFE HAVE BEEN SO TERRIBLE I'M TERRORIZED AND TRAUMATIZED.

A LITTLE NAUGHTY IS NICE

I ENJOY ACTING A LITTLE BRATTY.  MAKES ME FEEL.......I DON'T KNOW BUT IT FEELS FUN.

my real family

HOW GREAT TO SLEEP'TIL 5 AND WAKE TO DREAM OF DISNEYLAND WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME ASKING ME WHAT I WANT TO RIDE NEXT.  WHITE WATER RIDE. LOVELY COOL CLEAN. 

BOOKMOBILE DAY.  I WORKED OUT HARD BEING REFRESHED FROM TAKING YESTERDAY OFF.  CATHY WAS IN THE POOL.  WE HAD A NICE CHAT.  LUNCH WAS PRETTY GOOD.  AFTER LUNCH I DID A DRY RUN TO COUNTY RECORDER.  I'LL HAVE TO WEAR HIKING SHOES.  I'M NOT SURE WHICH BUILDING ON AN IMMENSE BLOCK WITH SUPERIOR COURT AND JAIL.  MOST BUILDINGS AREN'T LABELED.

I THOUGHT OF GOING TO CARDENAS MARKET BUT I DECIDED NOT.  I'M RESTING FROM YESTERDAY'S PROCEDURE.  I DROVE TO COSTCO AND REDEEMED MY REBATE.  BOUGHT TWO CAULIFLOWER PIZZAS, COOKED THEM, ATE ONE.  SO GOOD.  I FELL ASLEEP IN LIVING ROOM WATCHING TV FOR 1 AND HALF HOUR.

I'M FEELING GRIEF.  STILL SAD DAD MADE LIFE DIFFICULT.

AS MUCH SADNESS AS I FEEL THERE'S STILL MORE HAPPINESS.  I HOPE.

worst night terror yet

WOKE 3;30 FLASHBACK TO THE FEELINGS I STUFFED DOWN TO BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THE EVERYDAY FAMILY CRISES.  THAT'S WHAT ALL THE  EMOTIONS I'VE BEEN PROCESSING IS ALL ABOUT.  RELEASING STUCK ENERGY.  I THOUGHT OF CALLING SILENT UNITY FOR PRAYER SUPPORT.  CONTACTING DR CHUNG FOR PSYCHIATRIC SUPPORT.  I HAVE OPTIONS.

I'M OK.  I'M LOVED.  I'M PROTECTED.

WENT TO GYM TO SHOWER FEELING HOT AND STICKY.  LEFT 7;30 AND SPENT 10 MINUTES PASSING FREMONT HIGH SCHOOL WHAT A MESS STUDENTS AND CARS EVERYWHERE.  I WAS STILL FEELING ANXIOUS.  GOT THERE EARLY TOOK MY TIME WITH ID CARDS AND PAPERS. 

SHIRAN FROM ISRAEL WAS VERY KIND AND PATIENT ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS  SHE PUT ME AT EASE.

amazing

I WENT G 2 POOL AND TUB ALMOST TO MYSELF.  SOW COMES TO HOT TUB AND WITH 3 STEPS SHE COMES ASKING ME TO MOVE.   I SHAKE MY HEAD SAYING TO HER 'THE HEIGHT OF LAZINESS'.  SHE WENT OUT OF HER WAY TO ASK ME TO MOVE.  SHE SAYS AS AN EXCUSE 'IT'S HOT'.  I REPLY 'THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT A HOT TUB.'  KAHRAZEE!  I TURNED MY BACK TO HER AND DID MY STRETCHES. 

I WENT TO SAFEWAY, WALKED THE STORE AND FOUND DELI SALADS.  I GOT $5 SEAFOOD, OLIVES, TOMATOES.  CAN OF ARTICHOKES $1.35.  2 CHEESE DIPS $1.98.  WHAT A DEAL.  AND $30 FOR PGE AND POCKET CASH.  ON TO $SUNNYVALE ZERO.  ASKED ABOUT STOCKING STUFFERS AND DELIVERY DAYS TU& SAT.  I DECIDED TO GO $SANTA AND GOT CHIPS, WASH, CLEARANCE DISH SOAP, CARDS, STICKERS, 2 DVD.

I THOUGHT ABOUT GOING GOODWILL AND DECIDED I'D BETTER EAT AND REST.

eye dread

THE HORROR STORY OF DAD'S EYE PROCEDURE.  NO WONDER I'M SO UPSET.

I DROVE MOM AND DAD TO KAISER SANTA TERESA EARLY MORNING.  HIS LEFT EYE HAD A CATARACT REMOVED.  HE HAS A BAD REACTION TO THE TRANQUILIZER AND TAKES 4 HOURS TO REVIVE.  MOM AND I CALL AILEEN AND MITZI.  WE WAIT.  

HE'S STABILIZED AND I BRING THEM HOME I'M EXHAUSTED.  DAD INSISTS ON STAYING IN THE LIVING ROOM.  HE'S TOLD NOT TO BEND OVER TO AVOID PRESSURE IN HIS EYE SO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HE LEANS OVER TO GET THE TV REMOTE HE DROPPED ON THE FLOOR, FALLS FORWARD HITTING HIS EYE ON THE COUCH ARM REST.  INSTEAD OF WAKING ME UP LIKE HE'S DONE COUNTLESS TIMES WANTING TO GO ON MIDNIGHT DRIVES HE WAITS UNTIL MORNING TO TELL MOM AND I.  

ANOTHER TRIP TO EMERGENCY.  HIS EYE IS FULL OF BLOOD AND HE'S PERMANENTLY BLINDED.

ANOTHER TIME I STUFF DOWN STILL ON HIGH ALERT FOR THE NEXT TRAGEDY.

SO THE HORROR IS COMING UP NOW ALLOWING ME TO REGURGITATE THE AGONY AND DREAD.  IT COMES AND GOES IN WAVES.

NEW LINES

MY LIFE IS TAKING NEW TURNS.  I CAN'T PUBLISH THE OLD BLOG SO I'M WRITING NEW.  THE PROGRAM WON'T ENGAGE.

I WENT IN FROM A NEW TAB THAT CONNECTED WITH THE OLD AND UPDATED WHEN I REFRESHED.  I GOT TO KEEP IT ALL.

I WOKE 7:30 FROM A FITFUL NIGHT SUDDENLY REMEMBERING-RECONNECTING WITH MYSELF I NEEDED TO COVER THE DMV CHECK FOR RENEWING MY LICENSE.  I CALLED AND TOOK CARE OF IT.

NOON- I'M BACK.  I DECIDED  NO GYM.  I WANTED SMOKES FOR WHAT I'M PROCESSING WENT TO FLORA VISTA ZERO.  DROVE THROUGH LAWRENCE SQUARE TO SEE EVERYTHING BOARDED UP.  NO SIGN OF DEVELOPMENT YET.

WALGREEN'S @MARIA HAD ORGANIC.  I CHECKED $UNNYVALE GOT CLEAR WASH, PAPER, NEW CAR LOG BOTH SIDES PRINTED KEEP IT SIMPLE.  RECYCLED 10 WATER BOTTLES AND WATER FROM TRASH.  DECIDED I WANTED TO USE WENDY'S KID MEAL COUPON.  I LOVE COUPONS.  NOT 1.99-2.37.  HUH.

I REALIZED MY INNER CHILD WAS RAISED BY FAMILY OF WOLVES TO BE BOY.  OF COURSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BE.  LUNCH DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE MILK, APPLE BITES, MINI BURGER, 3 D STICKERS.

WHAT THE HEAVEN.

I'M STILL HAVING TO REASSURE MYSELF.  THEY BETRAYED ME SO MANY TIMES.

mini nap ginny gives me something for bingo she'll miss.

I PICKED UP MULTI DIRECTIONAL FREE ROLLING CARRY ON SUITCASE ON SIDEWALK.

THE ART OF RACING IN THE RAIN

TIMING IS IMPORTANT.  LIVING LIFE CAN BE AN ART.  I'VE WANTED TO WRITE AUNTIE AND THE TIME IS RIGHT.  THE STORY FROM THE POINT OF A GOLDEN DOG.  BETTER THAN I EXPECTED.

MY EXPECTATIONS.  I THOUGHT THE WEDDING GUEST DEV PATEL WAS A COMEDY.  NOT.

BETTER THAN I EXPECTED.  IT MADE ME THINK.  PEOPLE WANT THINGS IN THEIR LIVES AND DECIDE HOW TO GET THEM.  NOT HAPPILY EVER AFTER BUT IT STILL COULD BE.  LIFE ISN'T OVER YET UNLIKE THE MOVIE UNLESS THERE'S A SEQUEL.

MY SUBCONSCIOUS

I'M GETTING CLOSER.  I'M STILL SLEEPING LIKE A BABY WAKING EVERY TWO HOURS AND WATCHING THE BIG BLUE TICK.  TICKLE.  THE IDEA EVERYONE HAS A SUPER POWER.  EVERYONE IS A SUPERHERO OR VILLAIN.

I'M HERE AT SENIORS DEBATING.  MY SUPER POWER.

I SPENT YESTERDAY RESEARCHING NEW THOUGHT.  THE 1880'S MUST HAVE BEEN AMAZING.  THE 1960'S BEGAN THE UNCOVERING OF TRUTH.  THERE'S STILL POLITICIANS THOSE WHO SAY WHAT PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR.  THE BEST DEFINITION OF LEADER IS THE ONE WHO SEES WHICH WAY PEOPLE ARE GOING AND RUNS TO THE FRONT.  HITLER, TRUMP.  THEY GIVE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR.

TRUMP GOT ELECTED SO PEOPLE HAD A VILLAIN TO CRITICIZE.  THEY LOVE TO CRITICIZE.

TUESDAY BINGO I ASKED GINNY TO TRY TO WIN THE YELLOW 2 X TEE FOR ME AND TODAY SHE GAVE IT TO ME.  SHE LOVES ME MORE THAN MY OWN MOM.  I HAVE LOTS OF PEOPLE LOVING ME MORE.


I WENT TO THE DMV ONE HOUR TO RENEW AND FOR REAL ID I NEED COPY OF MARRIAGE LICENSE FOR SOCIAL SECURITY NAME CHANGE.  SANTA CLARA COUNTY.

94%

left COMPUTER.  I SPENT A SLEEPLESS NIGHT.  I WATCHED THE BIG BLUE TICK-PATRICK WARBURTON AND DREAMED OF A BROWN 3 " TICK TANGLED LEFT SIDE HAIR.  SO I WAS FITFUL FROM 1:30 SOUP BM TO 6:30.  TICKS ARE BLOOD SUCKERS DRAINING MY ENERGY.

LISTENING TO KELLY HOWELL CD IS ALTERING MY BRAIN.  I FORGOT MY BAG ON THE LUNCH TABLE.  I NOTICED WHEN I WAS CHARGING CHROME AND DECIDED TO CHARGE PHONE.  I WENT BACK THE TABLE WAS EMPTY AND NO ONE SAID ANYTHING OR SAVED IT FOR ME.  NO SUPPORT.

THEN I WENT TO THE RESTROOM BEFORE CAMPBELL AND LEFT IT HANGING.  I IMMEDIATELY WENT BACK.  SCARY. 

TUESDAY CHANNEL 7 DISAPPEARED.  I STARTED WATCHING LIVE ACTION LITTLE MERMAID AND IT WENT AWAY.  IT'S BACK SKETCHY.  I MISSED JEOPARDY AND I'M OK.  2, 5, 11.3 IS HIGH DEFINITION.  SUPER SHARP. 

I GOT $35 BILL FROM EYES. 

feeling tired and ok

I THOUGHT OF GOING TO DMV BUT I WAS PUZZLING AND MY EYES WERE NOT THE CLEAREST.  SO I PICKED UP DVD FROM CENTRAL.  I WANTED TO FIND $.  I CHECKED FULL COPY ROOM, WENT UPSTAIRS TO USED COPY ROOM AND HUNG OUT 4 HOUR MAX COMPUTER.  WHEN I WAS READY  I CHECKED UPSTAIRS AND DOWNSTAIRS I FOUND QUARTER IN THE MIDDLE OF EMPTY COPY ROOM.

I REMEMBERED TO CHECK LOUISE HAY CD.  I HAVE TO RETURN CAMPBELL'S.  I FOUND 3 AND ORDERED 1.  LISTENING TO KELLY HOWELL I FELT A WAVE OF TERROR.  LIKE WHEN I MET DELORISE LUCAS 'MOMMA'.

I LOVE FINDING MONEY.  FREE THINGS.  BARGAINS.  THINGS ARE ONLY WORTH WHAT YOU VALUE.  IT'S TOTALLY ARBITRARY.  GOLD AND DIAMONDS ARE ONLY SYMBOLS.  YOU CAN'T EAT THEM.

I GOT 2 SERVINGS BEANS ASPARAGUS TO ADD TO PANERA CHICKEN TORTILLA SOUP HAD KIDNEY BEANS.  I ADDED PINE NUTS STILL BLAND AND WASABI ALMONDS PUNCHED IT UP.  LETTUCE I WASHED FROM SANDWICH WHICH HAD NO CRANBERRY TO SPEAK OF TURKEY.  I WAS STILL HUNGRY AFTER LUNCH AND INGE GAVE ART PIECE OF PIZZA NOT ME.  I MADE SOUP DELICIOUS.

I WON'T GET THAT AGAIN.

I'LL MAKE MY OWN CRANBERRY RELISH/MARMALADE TO GO WITH TURKEY.

DISCERNMENT.

THE ABILITY TO DECIDE WISELY.  DAILY WORD.

LUNCH WAS OK.  I CONSIDERED DMV AND DECIDED LATER.  I CAME HOME WITH POTATOES, LETTUCE FROM LUNCH TO ADD TO PANERA 2 FOR ONE SOUP.  I SAW PINE NUTS ADDED THOSE TOO.  YUM.....

I TOSSED THE AVOCADOS AND GUAVAS I LEFT IN 1 ROOM.  I PICKED SOME KIWIS.  THERE'S SO MUCH MORE.  I ATE A RIPE ONE.  GOOD.  I CUT IT IN HALF AND SCOOPED IT.

ERIC-HEAVEN

I DREAMED I WAS DRIVING SAN JOSE FEELING 2 LANES ONE WAY STREET TO ERIC'S HOUSE TO TAKE HIM TO EARLY DINNER.  HE'S BOTH A BODY AND CLEAR BAG OF CHEMICALS.  I ZIP THE BAG IN MY JACKET TO KEEP HIM WARM AND PROTECT HIM.

HE'S HELPING ME FIND MY LOVE.  HE'S RESTING NOW TOO.

I RESTED AND I'M ENJOYING MY PHYSICALLY, SPIRITUALLY, EMOTIONALLY HARD WORK.  I DID MY BANKING, LINED UP MY BILLS, PREPARED DMV RENEWAL, SCHEDULED MY HEALTH APPOINTMENTS.  I'M GOING TO DO HEALTH EVERY AUTUMN.  I LIKE IT COOLER AND NOT RUSHED LIKE SPRING.

I WONDER IF HEALTH CARE WANTS TO TAKE SUMMER AND WINTER OFF SO THEY PUSH AND PRESSURE IN SPRING.

I WENT $AN CARLOS, $ TREE THEN CIRO MAMMOGRAM.  S V EYE CALLED 2 P M NO APPOINTMENT AUTHORIZATION ONLY PROCEDURE.  SO POSTPONED NEXT WEEK.  WEIRD.  I'M CALLING DR CHUNG TO SEE IF NECESSARY. 

DST

TIME TO CHANGE CLOCKS AND BATTERIES.

NOW I'VE BEEN STRESSING LAB CORP, MAMMOGRAM, EYE DOCTOR  CALLED YESTERDAY 8;14 WHILE I WAS FILLING IN DMV.  I'M READY.

THE OLD ME DIES WHILE THE NEW ME IS BORN.

I MAY STAY IN BED ALL DAY.  FROM 2001-2003 I GOT SICKER AND SICKER.  THEN I HAD EXPLORATORY SURGERY AND MITZI IN FRONT OF THE DOCTOR IN HER OFFICE REFUSED TO DRIVE OR HELP ME.  I WAS ASHAMED.  THE DOCTOR THOUGHT MY 30 YEAR CYST MIGHT BE CANCER SINCE IT TRIPLED IN SIZE IN ONE YEAR.  THEY REMOVED AN ENCAPSULATED INFECTION I'D HAD SINCE 1972.  LASER SURGERY IS MAGIC.

'TIL 2008 I'D SPENT 3000 DAYS IN BED.  I COULDN'T SIT IN A CHAIR, STAND OR RIDE UPRIGHT IN A CAR WITHOUT FEELING SICK TO MY STOMACH MY BLOOD PRESSURE AND SUGAR DROPPING FEELING FAINT.  I'D RIPPED ALL THE MUSCLES IN MY BACK CARING FOR DAD THEN MOM.  AND SHE DIED LEAVING ME WITH THE EVIL SISTERS.  MOM WAS JUST AS DELUDED AS ME THINKING THEY WERE GOOD PEOPLE.  AND NOW WE KNOW BETTER.  AILEEN ALWAYS BRAGGED ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE SHE WAS AND I DIDN'T BELIEVE HER.  SHE CALLED HERSELF THE BAD SEED AND DEVIL. 

MY DIGESTION WAS SO MESSED UP I COULDN'T EAT ANYTHING WITHOUT SUFFERING EXCRUCIATING PAIN.  VICODIN WAS ALL NURSE GINSBERG WOULD PRESCRIBE UNTIL I REFUSED TO GO BACK TO SEE HER THEN I GOT THE MUSCLE RELAXERS I'D BEEN BEGGING FOR.  THE COUNSELOR WOULDN'T HELP ME AND WANTED ME TO SEE HER OUTSIDE KAISER.  KAISER DOESN'T MAKE MONEY UNLESS YOU'RE SICK AND THE SICKER YOU ARE THE MORE MONEY THEY MAKE.  NOT EARN MAKE.  BIG DIFFERENCE.  THEY DON'T EARN IT.

ANOTHER MONTH

MAYBE I HAVE END OF THE MONTH BLUES.  THIS LAST WEEK WITH THE POOR AIR QUALITY I'VE FELT TIRED.  OXYGEN WATER HELPS.  PROPEL TOO.  I NAPPED 3 HOURS.

I'M WATCHING THE CARL REINER PILOT FOR THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.  I LIKE IT SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE REGULAR SHOW. 

getting used to bad air

TODAY WAS PRETTY GOOD.  I DID MY BANKING, GOT MY FREE VITAMIN PROPEL AT LUCKY'S AND CHECKED OUT AN ESTATE SALE.  I DECIDED TO DRIVE HOME BENTON TO AVOID STRESS. 

I WORE MY LINEN DRESS FROM THE CLOSET MAYBE 10 YEARS OLD.  I WORE MOM'S BUTTERFLY WING PIN.  I'M FEELING BETTER ABOUT MYSELF. 

still feeling ragged

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THE TRAUMA DRAMA OR THE FIRES POLLUTION.  I FELT TERRIBLE ALL DAY.  SINCE THE SUN CAME UP.  I SLEPT 'TIL 7 GOT TO SENIORS 8;30.  FELT NOT RIGHT AND LUNCH WAS NOT GOOD. TINY CUP OF SOUP. 

 I FELT OK IN THE POOL SO IT WAS THE AIR.  LUNCH WAS A TINY CUP OF SOUP.  OH, WELL.  I WENT TO CAMPBELL AND SALLY NOT FEELING GREAT.  I DECIDED TO GO TO MISSION TO RETURN HAPPY TIME AND CHECK E MAIL.  LUCKY'S HAD 2 X POINTS $1 OFF KETTLE CHIPS, 2 FOR 1 PANERA SOUP AND I WANTED GREEN CHICKEN ENCHILADA AND PORK VEGGIE EGG ROLL.  NOW I'M TOO FULL.

OH, HELEN/MARILYN DIDN'T GIVE ANY CANDY.  HURRAH!!  I DON'T HAVE TO THANK THE BITCHES.  AND I DON'T HAVE TO EAT MORE SWEETS I DON'T LIKE.

feeling very cranky

I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHY.  DO I NEED TO I DON'T THINK SO.  I FEEL ANGRY MOM AND DAD AND ALL OF US DIDN'T HAVE LOVING PARENTS.  IT'S LIKE LETTING A CHILD PLAY WITH MATCHES AND SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE.  OR IN THIS CASE ALL THE FIRES WE'VE HAD THE LAST 3 YEARS BECAUSE OF ARROGANCE.

I MUST HAVE GIVEN AT LEAST 6 VIALS YESTERDAY FOR THE BLOOD TEST LAB CORP.  THE MIRACLE NO TRAFFIC 4 PM WHEN I LEFT FOREST AVE.  I CAME STRAIGHT HOME AND RESTED.  I WAS JAZZED AND CUT DRESS PROJECT POCKETS.

SO TODAY I'M TIRED FROM THE STRESS OF THE PAST.  ALL THOSE APPOINTMENTS FOR DAD.  I WAS TOO RILED TO REALLY RELAX.  THE HOT TUB TODAY WAS GREAT.

I'M HOME FEELING BETTER.  I MADE 2 SLIDERS WITH THE ROLLS, LETTUCE, CHICKEN AND CHIPS. 

I LOOKED ALL OVER FOR THE POCKETS I CUT AND GAVE UP.  FOUND THEM NEXT TO MY CHAIR IN KITCHEN.  I CAN FINISH DRESS.

BEST HALLOW EVER

I'M EXCITED.  I HAVE FREE REIN.

yahoo

WOKE AT 5.  I TOOK MY TIME.  ARRIVED 8 AM AND THE WORLD DIDN'T END.  I'M LIVING ACCORDING TO FEELING NOT SHOULD-ING OR A SCHEDULE.  SCARY BUT FREE.

I'M HAVING THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE.  THE CRAP IS GONE OR AT LEAST IT'S NEW DIFFERENT CRAP.

I SCARED MYSELF.  I LOOKED FOR MY LOCKS IN MY GYM BAG AND THE ZIPPER COMPARTMENT WAS EMPTY.  I THOUGHT WHERE AND HOW DID I LOSE THEM AT 24 HOUR.  THEN I NOTICED IT WAS THE WRONG ZIPPER.  I SCARED MYSELF AS A WARNING TO TAKE IT SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY.  SO FAR AS I KNOW I'M DOING BEING OK. 

5;30

i'm living my dream.  no nightmare. 

i've put little mirrors and dream catchers in all the windows.  sight is directed energy.

AHA

I FIGURED OUT WHY I BOUGHT ANOTHER IRONING BOARD.  I NOW HAVE A MOVABLE WORK SURFACE.  I CAN MAKE A BUNCH OF POCKETS AND GATHERED DRESS TOPS.

LAFF LAUNDRY/CATHY GARAGE

I CAME 6:30 AND WAITED 20 MINUTES AND WENT LOOKING FOR CATHY'S SALE.  A CHALLENGE IN THE DARK.  I BOUGHT 2 NEW BIG ROLLS PAPER TOWELS,  3 NEW COPY PAPER, UNOPENED BIG BANG DVD, 4 NEW WRITE DVD.

SHE'S SHIPPING HER CAR 11/13 AND FLYING 11/16.  I'LL MISS HER.  SHE'LL HAVE WONDERFUL TIMES.

HAWAII'S TOO HOT AND BORING FOR ME.  THE MAINLAND IS A BIGGER ISLAND.

I'M BACK AT LAFF DOING WASH.  I HAVE TO LAUGH.   I KEEP LOOKING FOR THE TIME WHEN IT'S HERE ON THE CHROME.

I ARRIVED SENIORS 8:30.  THERE'S 3 CARS ALREADY.  I TOOK MY TIME.  HEAVENLY.  AN HOUR IN WARM WATER HALF IN HOT TUB.  I WAS SO SORE FROM LAUNDRY AND HEAVY BAG OF 3 REAMS PAPER.  I GOT HOME NOON TO AN OPEN FRONT DOOR AND THE FAN GOING.  I WANTED TO COOL OFF THE HOUSE AND FORGOT BEING TOO TIRED.  IT WAS STILL COOL.

I BROUGHT EVERYTHING IN AND PUT IT ALL AWAY, HAD SALAD AND LEFT OVER SENIOR LUNCH CHILI COLORADO.  STARTED STEWING 2 ONIONS, BEEF AND CHICKEN FROM LAST SUNDAY.

I STARTED ON SALVATION ARMY EYELET, WATCHED THE TRIP AND SLEPT 2 HOURS.  WOKE 6 THINKING IT WAS SUNDAY.  I KEPT WORKING ON THE STEW ADDING ZUCCHINI.  ATE ALMOND BUTTER SANDWICH AND CHEERIOS.

I'M GETTING THE HANG OF THIS

IF I SPENT MORE TIME ONLINE I'D BE MORE ADEPT.  IT'S JUST TOO BORING.  NO WONDER PEOPLE EAT WHILE ONLINE.  LIKE DRIVING.  TOO BORING.

LUNCH WAS MEDIOCRE.  I HAD CHEF SALAD.  LEFTOVER MAC CHEESE AWFUL.

I WENT TO CAMPBELL SALVATION ARMY STORE AND FOUND 10 TANKS AND ONE BLOUSE, TWO BIG CONE SPOOLS THREAD, CANVAS NOTEBOOK, FIMO, WHITE EYELET BED SKIRT, 3 DVD, $22.15.  AMAZING.  50% OFF.  3 BAGS FULL.

J DIDN'T FEEL LIKE COMING BACK WINCHESTER SO I CUT ACROSS TO SAN TOMAS EXPRESSWAY THINKING I COULD GO TO BARNES AND NOBLE OR IT WAS 4 AND I COULD GET MY BLOOD WORK DONE THEN I REMEMBERED FRIDAY FREEBIE LUCKY'S TEDDY'S GINGER ALE AND GOT THAT WITH SALAD MIX.  I GOT HOME 5 ATE LEFTOVER STEW AND QUINOA.  FILLED UP WITH SNACKS. 

FINDING BALANCE

SO FAR I SEEM TO BE HAVING GOOD DAYS WITHOUT SABOTAGING MYSELF.  THE FAMILY PATTERN IS QUIET.  I'M STILL FEELING APPREHENSIVE AND THAT'S GOOD TO BE VIGILANT.

WATCHING TOY STORY 4 FOR THE 4TH TIME I GET IT.  THERE ARE NO BAD PEOPLE JUST BROKEN TOYS.  WE'RE ALL BROKEN IN SOME WAY.  AND WHEN WE NO LONGER FEEL BROKEN WE CAN DO THE RIGHT THING.

I DECIDED TO WAIT TO TOMORROW CAMPBELL AND SAL ARMY SALE.  I CONSIDERED BLOOD TEST BUT I CAN DO IT NEXT WEEK WHEN IT'S COOL. 

UNBELIEVABLE

I 'M JUST ENJOYING.  IN JOY.  I SLEPT 8-6 AWAKING WITH "THE PERFECT SLEEP WITH THE PERFECT CUDDLE WITH THE PERFECT FRIEND."  HOW GREAT IS THAT.

I'LL  HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.  I ALMOST LEFT MY ROLL'Y IN THE PARKING LOT BEHIND MY CAR BEING EXCITED  BY CODY BOOKMOBILE FINDS.   BEEN THERE DONE THAT LAST YEAR JULY FRIDAY 13.

I WATCHED TOLKEIN.  IT WAS OK.  TOO DRAMATIC.  NOTHING LIKE THE RESEARCH I DID FOR A SCHOOL REPORT.  I WAS DISAPPOINTED.  TOLKEIN WROTE TO HIS SON DURING WW 2 TO BRIGHTEN A BLEAK EXPERIENCE THAT ENGAGED HIS SON'S ENTIRE UNIT.  I READ HIM DURING HIGH SCHOOL TO LEARN THAT GOOD ALWAYS TRIUMPHS BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW DIFFERENT FACTIONS ARE THEY UNITE TO DEFEAT EVIL.

I WENT TO CENTRAL TO RESCUE A PENNY WEDGED AGAINST THE WALL IN THE COPY ROOM.  UPSTAIRS I FOUND 35 CENTS IN THE CHANGE MACHINE.  I LOVE FINDING MONEY.

TWO CAKES

I GOT NEWSPAPER AD AT 9:30 HADI GAVE ME ICE CREAM CAKE.  I MADE INGE CUT IT.  HE INCLUDED PLATES AND FORKS AND I HAD KNIFE.  PARIS BAGUETTE CHIFFON NEAPOLITAN.  CHOCOLATE CAKE, REAL STRAWBERRIES ICE CREAM, WHIP CREAM ON TOP.  SOOOOOO..... GOOD.  I SAVED ART A PIECE AND GAVE AWAY THE REST.

AT LUNCH NEIGHBOR GAVE US MORE PETER'S BAKERY CAKE.

HURRAY!!

I'M BEING CAREFUL WITH SUGAR AND SMOKES.  I'VE DECIDED TO USE AMERICAN SPIRIT COUPONS FOR LAST TIME.  I WENT TO FLORA VISTA WALGREEN'S AFTER LIBRARY HAVING FORGOTTEN 'TIL ON MY WAY HOME AND FOUND VITAMINS I NEEDED 85% OFF.  WOW.

I ATE CAKE 3 TIMES.  DESSERT ALL DAY.

I SLEPT ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT.  8-6.

trauma drama.

CHOICES.  I HAD THE GLAUCOMA TEST.  OK.  THEY WANT TO DO A 3 D LASER SCAN.  NO AUTHORIZATION SO I LEFT.  TYGJ.  I WAS STARTING TO REALLY STRESS OUT MAJOR BIG TIME IN THE CONFINES OF THE DOCTORS OFFICE.

ALL DAD'S APPOINTMENTS, EMERGENCIES, WOUND CARE, BRAIN BLEED, ETC.  TOO MUCH.

I CRIED ON THE WAY TO SENIORS.  I'M STILL MOURNING.  I'VE BEEN TOO SHELL SHOCKED TO LET GO.  ALL MY TRAINING MAINTAINING TO SURVIVE IS NOW A STUMBLING BLOCK.  PER EDGAR CAYCE INTO A STEPPING STONE.

DECISIONS:  SMOKE, SUGAR OR SEE.

PROTECT MY VISION.  IMPROVE MY HEALTH.

AT 24 HOUR GYM I NOTICED ONE EARRING MISSING.  I THOUGHT BASED ON NO EAR INDENTATIONS IT FELL OFF WHILE DRESSING FOR THE DAY.  AND I FOUND THE EARRING BUT NOT THE BACKING IN MY PAJAMA.  I NEED NEW BACKS. 

I FOUND DARK POCKET FABRIC.  I'M USING ANOTHER DRESS AS PATTERN.  I'M LOVING DETAILING MY LIFE.

AARP

BEST THING I EVER JOINED.  I EXERCISED FEELING EMOTIONALLY SICK AND PHYSICALLY SORE.  MIND BODY CONNECTION.  I WALKED SAFEWAY THEN STARTED DRIVING WONDERING WHERE TO GO 'TIL 10.  I REMEMBERED GOODWILL ON THE CORNER AND DROVE ARRIVING 9.  I CHECKED THE HOURS BECAUSE THE LOT WAS EMPTY AND STORE LOOKED CLOSED.  IT WAS EMPTY.  I FOUND LONG GRAY LEATHER COAT $19.99 AND SHORT TULIP DENIM SKIRT $5.68. 

I DROVE TO 3 FLAMES .4 MILE.  PARKED IN SHADE AFTER MUCH DELIBERATION.  I WALKED TO FRONT SAID CLOSED 'TIL 4 CAREGIVER MEETING 11 A M.  I CHECKED BANQUET DOORS.  E MAIL SAID LIGHT REFRESHMENTS WE HAD MEZCLA SALAD SUBSTANTIAL CHICKEN SHISH KEBAB RICE PILAF PERFECT VEGS. 

WE DISCUSSED SITUATIONS AND LIFE EXPERIENCES AND OPTIONS.  IT WAS GOOD.  IF I CARE GIVE AGAIN I'LL ASSERT MYSELF. 

I DROVE STRAIGHT HOME. I WASHED SOME DISHES AND EMPTIED GARBAGE.

I ATE MOST FOOD AT HOME FOR DINNER.  FINISHED PEET'S APRICOT SCONE.  NAPPED AN HOUR WATCHING GROUNDHOG DAY.

GOOD DAY.

NO JUMBLE

NOTICE 11/9 FLEA MARKET.  I EXERCISED TIRED AND LISTENING TO ANGRY HELEN MADE ME EVEN MORE TIRED.  SHE CRITIQUED EVERYONE.

I TRIED LOGGING ON IN PARKING LOT AND NO RECEPTION SO I RELUCTANTLY BOUGHT PANERA BACON TURKEY BRAVO, FREE CHERRY CHEESE BRITTANY, $1 OFF PRICKLY PEAR HIBISCUS JUICE NO TASTE, PEETS APRICOT SCONE.  I WANTED MY STEAK SQUASH I'LL HAVE FOR DINNER. 

SO I'M CHARGING CHROME AND BLOGGING.

I WOKE 5:30 TIRED.  I'M JUST DOING TOO MUCH.  I'M MENDING AND REPAIRING.  ADJUSTING MY LIFE.

STUBER IS

people don't like new-STUBER !!

IT'S EXHAUSTING.  CHANGE TAKES SO MUCH ENERGY.  I GUESS PEOPLE ARE BASICALLY LAZY.  OR ENTROPY.  A NICE WAY OF SAYING LAZY.  SCIENTIFIC.

I'D RATHER BE SCIEN-TERRIFIC.

YAHOO MAIL IS NOT RESPONDING.  I WANT TO CHECK FRIDAY FREEBIES.

NO FREEBIES.  OH, WELL.  I'M FEELING TIRED BECAUSE I DID SO MUCH YESTERDAY.

I WATCHED STUBER ON THE PLAYER AT SENIORS AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED.  IT WAS SO WINDY ALL DAY MY EYES ARE IRRITATED AND IT DOESN'T HELP MY ALLERGIES.  I ATE TYLOPHORA AND HAD A C TO BOOST MY IMMUNITY.

I WAS HUNGRY AT 3.  ATE MY POTATOES FROM LUNCH AND BANANA.  LADY OFFERED ME COFFEE.  SHE GAVE MIKE A SANDWICH.  I WAS A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED.  THEN AT 4 CLOSING THE SNACK BAR SHE GAVE ME A HOT DOG.  HURRAY!!

OH YEAH THE STONE FELL OFF MY EARRING.  I LOOKED FOR IT IN SHOWER AND FOUND IT.

WIN !!

BUSINESS

I WOKE 4 OK.  NO BAD DREAMS OR FLASHBACKS.  GAVE ME TIME TO WATCH BEING FRANK.  LIKE DAD.  AND I WAS INSPIRED TO FILL UP GAS $.38 MORE A GALLON FROM 3 WEEKS AGO.

I PUZZLED 'TIL 10, EXERCISED.  WALTER SHOWED UP.  WE VISITED 'TIL 12;30.  I TOLD HIM I COULD ADOPT HIM TO ENSURE HE HAS SOMEWHERE TO LIVE.  HE'S WORRIED ABOUT LOSING THE APARTMENT.  AND IT WOULD REALLY MESS WITH THE SISTERS.

I REMEMBERED TO TRY PAYING PGE.  CLERK SCREWED UP AND DID SOMETHING WITH MONEY GRAM BUTTON.  I FOUND BOX MILK, SEAWEED, PUMPKIN PIE, CAN THAI CHILI ALMONDS.  ON TO CAMPBELL.  STOPPED AT DAISO FOR NAIL PULLER, ARARE.  ZERO AT $T0RE.  I FINALLY DROVE FIRST STREET FOR THE FASTEST WAY TO LIBRARY.  I HAVE GOLDEN CHILD DVD.  HURRAY! 

FEELING JAZZED I GRILLED STEAKS.  ATE ONE WITH POTATOES ONIONS CAKE AND WASHED UP IMMEDIATELY.  TYGJ.

NIGHTMARE

RELIVING DAY EXPERIENCES.  I DREAMED OF BLOND MAN THREATENING TO KILL ME WITH KNIFE FOR MY CAR WHEN IN FACT I HAD TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM WILL 1982.  HE SAID TO STAB HIM.  HE WAS SO SUICIDAL.  WE WERE TRYING TO WORK THINGS OUT GOING TO COUNSELING AND HE WAS STILL LYING AND CHEATING.  INSISTING HE WAS INNOCENT.  HE ONLY AGREED TO COUNSELING TO AVOID DIVORCE SAYING I WAS CRAZY JUST LIKE MOM TELLING ME OUR FAMILY WAS OK EXCEPT FOR ME.  I TOLD HER AT 16 WE NEEDED TO GO TO COUNSELING.

I KNEW SOMETHING WAS SERIOUSLY WRONG BUT DIDN'T KNOW WHAT. 

ALL THE MEN IN MY LIFE.  MOM WAS SO CODEPENDENT.  I'M SO WORKING TO CHANGE.

I'M READY FOR LIFE.  SOMETHING BEST AND DIFFERENT.

TRYING TO GET APPOINTMENTS IS SO MUCH WORK.  I HAVE 250 MINUTES I USUALLY DON'T USE.  THAT'S NEW I USUALLY USE THE CENTER LANDLINE.  TOOK ME 28 PHONE MINUTES NOT COUNTING WAITING FOR CALL BACK. 

I GOT HOME 2:30.  PUTTERED AND NAPPED 3 HOURS.  I'M FEELING BETTER THAN THIS MORNING. 

THE OLD ME WOULD HAVE FORCED MYSELF TO KEEP GOING.  I'M FEELING THE PAIN AND ANGUISH OF THE LAST 20 YEARS. 

I CLEANED COOKED ONION.   ADDED 3 POTATOES CURRY OREGANO.  DELICIOUS.  I STILL HAVE TWO SQUASH 3 ONIONS.

SENIORS

I UNDERSTAND MY RELUCTANCE AVOIDANCE.  TAKING DAD TO HIS MANY DR. APPOINTMENTS, WOUND CARE, EMERGENCY, BLOOD DRAWS, OUT PATIENT WHEN HE HAD A NOSE BLEED FOR OVER A MONTH AND HAD TO HAVE HIS SINUS PACKED WITH GAUZE, ETC. TRAUMATIZED ME.  I COULDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE THE STRESS.  NO TIME OR ENERGY.

NOW I TRY TO AVOID THE STRESS AND FORGET.  AND I'M DOING A GOOD JOB.

at sunnyvale TYGJ

I TRIED YESTERDAY TO FIND OUT IF OPEN AND SECURITY WOULDN'T ALLOW.  I CAME AFTER 24 HR EXERCISE AND SPROUTS ON THE CHANCE THEY'RE OPEN AND VOILA!

I'M USING SUNNYVALE WI-FI.  IT TOOK THE LIBRARIAN HALF HOUR TO BYPASS SECURITY.  I HATE HOW COMPLICATED EVERYTHING IS NOW.

I'M FEELING UPSET.  MY STOMACH, BACK, LEGS, NECK.  PRETTY MUCH MY ENTIRE BODY.  MY MOM SCREWED ME UP SO MUCH.  IT'S SO HARD UNINSTALLING PROGRAMS WHEN IT WAS BEFORE I WAS VERBAL EVERYTHING IS EMOTIONS LIKE A CHAOTIC STORM.  I TOOK WILLOW.

NO WONDER THE WORLD HAS SO MANY ADDICTS.  THAT I'M NOT ALONE DOESN'T CONSOLE ME ONE BIT.

I CONSIDERED NORTH SIDE AND MILPITAS TO HANG OUT BECAUSE I THINK THEY'RE REPAINTING THE STREET MARKINGS TODAY.  ANY WAY NO PARKING.  AND I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE PARKING IN THE DRIVEWAY.  WHY IT ISN'T A HOLIDAY FOR THEM I DON'T KNOW.  MAYBE CONTRACTORS.

MY LIFE IS TINY VICTORIES.  SOMEONE LEFT A PEN THEY TOOK APART AND COULDN'T GET TO WORK.  I TOOK IT APART REORGANIZED PIECES IT WORKS FINE.

I FOUND SMALL CAN OF CHICKEN.  I ATE MY OWN CAN IN SALAD WITH SOURDOUGH/BALSAMIC.  CHIPS DESSERT.  WATCHING NEW ALADDIN.

HP LOVECRAFT

I'M WATCHING THE ANIMATED.  HE SAID FEAR IS THE OLDEST AND MOST POWERFUL FEELING BUT PEOPLE HAVE MOVED THROUGH FEAR BECAUSE OF LOVE.  PEOPLE HAVE SET ASIDE THEIR FEAR TO ACCOMPLISH RESCUES BECAUSE OF LOVE.  I GAVE UP MY CATS TO PROTECT THEM WHEN I MOVED BACK TO THE POISONOUS HOME TO CARE FOR THE PARENTS KNOWING THEY MIGHT KILL ME.  I STILL LOVED THEM AND HOPED TO IMPROVE THEIR LIVES.

LOVE IS MOST POWERFUL.

I DID MY SUNDAY ROUTINE EARLY.  STARTED LUCKY'S THEY DIDN'T GET FRIDAY FREEBIE DELIVERED I BOUGHT BEAUTY TRIMMED SIRLOIN STEAKS $3 AND SALAD TO BALANCE CHIPS I LOVE SO MUCH.

I FIGURED OUT I'M MY SAFE PLACE.  I'M COMPLETE.  COOL SMOOTH PINK MARBLE.

DID IT

I SIGNED IN BLOGGER AND MADE NEW THINGY BY NEW POST.  I WANT TO RETURN NORTH SIDE CHROME AND GET MISSION OR CENTRAL.  I CAN HAVE ANYTHING I WANT FOR LUNCH.  THE PROBLEM IS KNOWING.

very well

CONSIDERING I WOKE 2:30 WITH NIGHT TERRORS.  ALL THE DEMANDS SUFFOCATED ME.  I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING. 

YESTERDAY I REALIZED I DIDN'T GET PGE BILL.  I FOUND IT ONLINE DUE 10/21 SO I HAVE TIME. 

I HAVE TO MAKE APPOINTMENTS THAT I DREAD.  ALL THE DEPRESSION OF DAD I STILL WITH ME.  MY HAPPINESS IS SO NEW AND TENDER.

I'M BEING VERY GENTLE WITH MYSELF.  YESTERDAY I FOUND A BIG SET OF KEYS IN THE PASSENGER DOOR OF THE CAR NEXT TO ME AND CONSIDERED LEAVING THEM UNTIL I REALIZED ANYONE COULD TAKE THE CAR.  I TOOK THEM INSIDE AND THE WOMAN MISSED THEM THINKING SHE LOST THEM IN THE CENTER.  SO AS SOON AS I COULD INTERRUPT THE CHATTY FRONT DESK AND HELD THEM UP SHE CLAIMED THEM.  REMINDED ME OF RUSHING AND LOSING GYM CASE.

SLOWLY CAREFULLY DOES IT.

I'M HOPING THE REPAVING IS DONE TODAY.  MONDAY IS COLUMBUS' HOLIDAY.  I HAVEN'T MADE PLANS.

STARTED WELL

I FOUND 2 QUARTERS IN MY POCKET.  LUNCH WAS OK.  AIR WAS TOO MUCH SMOKE FROM GRASS FIRES.  SO FEELING TIRED FROM BAD AIR.  WENT TO CAMPBELL AND FOUND LONG SLEEVELESS DENIM DRESS $3.74.  I HAD TO WAIT 'TIL 5 REPAVING STREET.  I STAYED LOVELY COOL WITH WET HANKIES. 

I ATE SLIDERS I MADE LAST NIGHT WITH CHIPS AND NAPPED 1 1/2 HOURS. 

relaxed

I GOT TO SENIORS LATE AND STILL PARKED #3.  I TOOK FRUIT FOR TOKI HELEN.  SET UP 2000 PIECE PUZZLE.  ATE AND ATE TURKEY STEW.  GERDA GAVE ME HER BISCUIT.  I RESTED.  I DROVE TO CITIBANK HALFORD AND TRIED TO PAY.  I WENT IN TO FIND OUT WHY THE ATM WOULDN'T WORK SHE DIDN'T KNOW.  SHE SENT ME TO SUNNYVALE ATM.  I REALIZED THE CARD EXPIRED.  THE NEW ONE WAS IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT AND I ACTIVATED IT FROM THE CAR.  AND IT WORKED I PAID BILL.  I CONTINUED ON TO DR CHUNG'S AND GOT THEIR ADVICE ON MAKING APPOINTMENTS.  AS GOOD AS DONE. 

THEN ON TO LUCKY'S TO CHECK THE PROMO.  I DECIDED NO.  THE ARCO AND SHELL GAS CARDS ARE TOO EXPENSIVE.  I'LL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.  BK IS EXPENSIVE TOO.  I THINK I'LL STICK WITH COSTCO GAS. 

I HAVEN'T FELT THIS GOOD IN YEARS.

BRILLIANT

I HAD A GREAT DAY.  I RECYCLED $5.75 ARRIVED SENIORS 10 MINUTES EARLY DID WHAT I WANTED.  EXERCISED 'TIL 10 WHEN MARILYN STARTED SPEWING POISON.  I EXERCISED AND WATCHED MOVIE.  HAD LOVELY LUNCH WITH GERDA, ART, ALEX.   ART GAVE ME HALF HIS CHOCOLATE CROISSANT.  GERDA GOT US LEFT OVERS.  WE WERE LAST.  ALEX GAVE ME HIS SALAD AND NEWSPAPER.  I ADDED AVOCADO. 

I PUZZLED TO AVOID THE HEAT AND KIMO GAVE ME A STALE CHEESE DANISH.  AT  4 WHEN I GOT HUNGRY I ATE SALAD, CHICKEN PARMESAN, CHIPS.  I AM SO BLESSED.   I COMPUTED WHEEL OF FORTUNE AND CAME HOME.  FELT GOOD AND PICKED UP FRUIT FOR TOMORROW TOKI AND HELEN.   HOORAY ME!!

I'M FEELING SUCCESSFUL.

CIARAN HINDS

IN MY HEAD THIS MORNING.  I LOOKED HIM UP WIKIPEDIA HE'S STEPPENWOLF THE VILLAIN IN JUSTICE LEAGUE I JUST WATCHED HE WAS CGI.  ANOTHER MYSTERY SOLVED.

I'M FEELING TIRED.  THERE;S SOMETHING IN THE AIR.  I'M TAKING GENTLE CARE OF MYSELF.  I LOVE MYSELF NOW.  I TOOK OUT THE BINS THIS MORNING I'LL PUT THEM AWAY TOMORROW WHEN I'M FRESH AND RESTED. 

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE EATING PANERA.  I GOT THE GIFT CARD FROM DISCOVER FRIDAY.  I HAD VIENNA SAUSAGES AND TOMATOES.  DELICIOUS.

AT THREE I WAS HUNGRY AND HAD A CHOCOLATE CUPCAKE AND MILK.

I'M PROUD OF HOW I'M TAKING CARE OF MYSELF.

better best

TODAY I'M RESTING.  I HAD MY CEREAL AND A STRAWBERRY CHIA MASH SOURDOUGH SANDWICH.  FEELING HUNGRY.  I'M GOING G-1 AFTER $V AT 10.  DOING WHAT I WANT.  NOW I'M RESTING WHEN I WANT.

WOW WATCHING SPIDERMAN FAR FROM HOME IS ALL ABOUT ILLUSIONS.  THE ILLUSION OF FAMILY.  THE ILLUSION OF SUCCESS.  THE ILLUSION OF FAILURE.  LIKE THE COURSE IN MIRACLES SAYS.  THE ILLUSION OF MOVIES.

DID MY ROUTINE.  TRIED PAYING CITIBANK NO ATM. WENT $V 5 WATER, ODDS ENDS CLEARANCE.  GOT TO G-2 AT 11 AND NO HOT WATER PIPE BURST.  G-1 GREAT.  DECIDED I WANTED PEAS FOR LUNCH.  BACK TO $V NO PEAS MIXED VEG PAID CASH.  AND OUT IN CAR CHROME RECEPTION WITH FROZEN VEG KEEPING ME COOL.

COINCIDENCE I DON'T THINK SO.

ONE WEEK

LAST WEEK LEAVING MY PHONE AT MISSION.

YESTERDAY MARILYN WENT ON AND ON ABOUT MAURICE'S FRIEND FRACTURING HIS LEG AND WANTING TO DIE.  BROUGHT BACK MEMORIES OF DAD BEGGING US FOR DEATH.  BUT 1999 HAD NO DEATH PILL OR ACCEPTANCE OF SUICIDE.

SHE'S THE QUEEN OF SCHADENFREUDE.  SHE WAS ACTUALLY LAUGHING DELIGHTEDLY.  EH, WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

I'M HAVING PTSD.  RELIVING ERIC'S DYING 6/13/2017.  'BREATHE.'

FAMILY

I'VE BEEN WATCHING MOVIES OF ALL DIFFERENT TYPES OF FAMILIES. 

MOM HAD US COMPETE.  ALWAYS WHO DID WHAT FOR HER.  THERE WAS NO LOVE JUST BUYING HER ATTENTION.  SHE ONLY WANTED DAD.  MITZI ONLY HAD KIDS TO KEEP HER HUSBAND.  AILEEN HAD KIDS TO ENSURE NOT BEING ALONE.  LIKE MOM.  DAD OWNED US.  MOM HAD KIDS TO INCREASE DAD'S INTEREST.  ALL ABOUT CONTROL.

BEING ADULT

CAN BE TOUGH.  BEING A CHILD I WAS STUCK.  I HAVE SO MANY CHOICES.  MY RULE IS IF I REALLY WANT TO DO SOMETHING I DO IT.  IF I DON'T KNOW I DON'T.  ONLY IF I'M ABSOLUTELY SURE. 

NEW MONTH

I DID MY BANKING.  I;M HOME EARLY.  I WASHED DISHES THREW OUT FOOD, I LIKE CLEANING.

simeon

ACTUALLY SIMON.  MY PHONE-I CALLED MISSION AFTER LUNCH NOT MENTIONING TO ANYONE AT SENIORS.  THEN I TALKED TO ART ABOUT PICKING IT UP TODAY OR PUSHING MY O/C BY WAITING 'TIL TOMORROW.  I DECIDED TOO MUCH NEEDLESS STRESS.  I GAVE JUSTIN BAG OF GUAVAS AVOCADOS AND EXPLAINED PINEAPPLE GUAVA.

THE NEW ME FEELS WEIRD.  I THOUGHT ABOUT STRESSING TO ORDER FREE MEDICARE OTC WALMART AND THOUGHT I CAN DO IT LATER.

I REMEMBER I HAVE TO WAIT FOR THE PAVERS TO FINISH.  SO I'M RESTING 'TIL 4:30 AND TAKE TOKI FRUIT.  SHE FED ME SOUP AND FRUIT.

WATCHING BOMBSHELL-HEDY LAMARR WAS THOUGHT PROVOKING.  SHE SEEMINGLY BECAME MORE ENAMORED WITH HER LOOKS THAN ANYONE.  SHE BECAME A TOTAL RECLUSE TALKING ON THE PHONE FOR HOURS.  AND BEFORE SHE DIED SHE WAS HONORED FOR HER INVENTIONS.  SHE COULD HAVE CONTINUED INVENTING LIKE JOY MANGANO.  THE FIRST COMPANY STOLE HER HANDS FREE MOP AND SHE WENT ON TO INVENT MORE, BUILD HER OWN COMPANY AND HELPS NEW INVENTORS.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE.  UNLESS YOU'RE DEAD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE HOW TERRIFIC THIS DAY HAS BEEN.   I WENT TO ST J FEELING SAD AND DECIDED TO FEEL SAD WITH THE GROUP INSTEAD OF ALONE ON THEIR LAST DAY.  JOHN SHOWED UP ON HIS DAY OFF RIDING HIS BIKE AROUND THE PARKING LOT.

NEW ME. 

A NEW ME

DIDN'T GO TO MARIA.  I THOUGHT OF SKIPPING LUCKY'S TOO.  FOUND 3 BOTTLES, 3 SMALL CHICK FRY STEAK FOR $1.15.  I'M THINKING OF COOKING WITH SQUASH.  3 PEANUT M&M $1 EACH.

I CAN'T FIND PHONE 1.  I'M USING PHONE 2.  IT OCCURS TO ME IT MAY BE TIME TO THINK ABOUT A NEW PHONE.  OR USE PHONE 3.

I'M CALMLY SURPRISED.

I CONTINUED MY DAY, ST JUSTIN LUNCH.  IN STORE NOON PARKING IS GREAT I  FOUND 5 HEMATITE CHOKERS, 4 SILK NAPKINS ALL FOR $5.45.  LUNCH LASAGNA GARLIC BREAD, CESAR SALAD.  BINGO FUN TO WATCH. 

I WENT TO LIBRARY CHARGED CHROME WATCHED DVD.  THEY CUT POWER I HAD TO REMOVE DVD WITH PAPER CLIP MANUALLY.  AND I'M HOME PLANNING MY LIFE. 

DOING

I WRESTLED THE IRONING BOARD OUT AND PUT IT ON MY LITTLE FOLDING WHEELS.  WORKED BEAUTIFULLY.  SAVED MY BACK.  I HAD AN UNCOMFORTABLE NIGHT.  I'VE BEEN BETTER.  FINISHED AND DECIDED PICK UP FRUIT TOMORROW.  I DON'T KNOW WHY IT'S SO HARD ON MY BACK.

I HAD TIME TO GO CHECK OUT LUCKY'S MYSTERY FREEBIE PROPEL IN EMAIL OR CRYSTAL LIGHT LOADED TO ACCOUNT.  THEY SUBSTITUTED.  I GOT NATURAL GRAPE W/CAFFEINE 10 PACKETS.

I WAS DOWN TO MY LAST MOUTHWASH.  $ANTA CLARA AND SNACKS.  I GUESS I'LL GO PANERA AFTER SENIORS.  MAYBE.  I GOT HERE 8:30 AND SORTED DVD, WATER BOTTLES FOR WINDSHIELDS, SHOES.  YESTERDAY BECAME COLD SO I WORE POOL SHOES.  AND MY FEET HURT.

12:46 PM- I JUST FINISHED WATCHING THE SANTA CLARA PARADE OF CHAMPIONS.  I DIDN'T PLAN IT.  AT 11 I WAS HUNGRY AND GOING TO PANERA I REMEMBERED I HAD PBJ AND CHIPS.  I NOTICED TRAFFIC BEING DIVERTED ON FREMONT AND BRIDGET SAID A PARADE.  I WENT UPSTAIRS ON THE COMPUTER.  IT HAD JUST STARTED A BLOCK AWAY.  I PUT MY THINGS IN THE CAR AND WALKED WEARING MY HAT.  A SHOPKEEPER WAS KIND ENOUGH TO BRING OUT SOME CHAIRS.  I WATCHED IN COMPLETE COMFORT WATER BOTTLES DISPENSED BY SIKHS.

WOW!

END OF MONTH

BLUES.  OR NEW MOON.  ECLIPSE..  I DON'T KNOW.

AT SENIORS I DON'T UNDERSTAND PEOPLE GETTING HERE 6:30 TO SIT IN THE COLD WAITING FOR THE CENTER TO OPEN.  SEEMS EXTREME TO ME.  I COULD UNDERSTAND STAYING IN THEIR CARS NICE AND SNUG BUT THEY'D RATHER GATHER BY THE DOORS.

YAHOO MAIL HAS NEW SECURITY WHERE IT TIMES OUT AND I HAVE TO KEEP SIGNING IN EVERY TIME I DON'T USE IT CONTINUOUSLY.

I WENT TO ST J AFTER LUNCH AND THE RACK WAS STILL THERE.  I FOUND AN IRONING BOARD $2.50 3 HEMATITE STRETCH BRACELETS, 2 SPOONS.  FEELING TIRED I DROVE .2 TO UNDER PARKING LIBRARY AND HUNG OUT EATING PBJ AND CHIPS.  I WATCHED MOVIE 'TIL 4:30 AND DECIDED TO DRIVE HOME SLOWLY.  PAVERS WERE GONE.  I'LL WAIT TO EMPTY THE CAR TOMORROW.  THE FRONT DOOR HANDLE WAS MOVED.  I MADE A POINT OF STRAIGHTENING IT BEFORE I LEFT. 

SUCCESS

I FORGOT MY CHROME AT HOME SO I'M USING UPSTAIRS.  AND IT'S GOOD.

YESTERDAY I WAS GOING TO WATCH MOVIES BUT THE HEATER WAS RUNNING.  SO  I WENT TO MISSION AND HAD A LOVELY COOL DAY 71 WHEN OUTSIDE IT WAS 98.

TODAY THE AIR CONDITIONER IS ON.  HUZZAH!!

I ACCESSED MY DISCOVER TO CHECK ACCOUNT.  WORLD MARK, MEDICARE, CAR INSURANCE.  TYGJ.  BIG MONTH.

THIS HAS BEEN A BANNER MONTH.  SO MUCH FUN.!  SOMETIMES I HAVE TO REMIND MYSELF TO CELEBRATE FUN.  AND BE BRAVE.

MY PINK MARBLE PALACE THAT'S MY SAFE PLACE IS ME.  TAKING AND PASSING THE HYPNOTHERAPY COURSE I DRIFTED INTO MY WORLD OF PEACE, PLENTY, TIMELESSNESS.  IT'S ME.  MY PALACE IS ME.  ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF AILEEN HATING ME FOR SUCCEEDING WHERE SHE FAILED.

NOW I'M AT CENTRAL.  I DROPPED OFF SOME AVOCADOS FOR JUSTIN.  HE WAS DISAPPOINTED YESTERDAY BECAUSE HE CAME IN LATE.  SO I GAVE HIM THE ONES FROM THE CAR.  THEN OFF TO CAMPBELL.  I STARTED IN TECH ROOM AND ONLY HAD 17 MINUTES LEFT SO I WENT OUT ON THE FLOOR FOR 2 MORE HOURS.  I GUESS 4 HALF IS TOTAL.  2 HALF MISSION AND SENIORS.

GERDA AND INGE PICKED UP THEIR LUNCHES AND GAVE THEM TO ART AND I.  THEY ATE BBQ.  TYGJ.  SO I COULD EAT IT HERE.  I PARKED AT ST J.  I JUST REMEMBERED THE FOLDING LUGGAGE CARRIER I FORGOT AT REGISTER.  OH NO.  IT WAS SO HOT IN THERE.  I CALLED JOHN LEFT MESSAGE.

easy come

WHAT I WANT.  IN THE MOMENT I KNOW.  LONG TERM I DON'T.  I NEVER THOUGHT LONG TERM.  PROBABLY THE CONDITIONING OF MOM CONSTANTLY THREATENING MURDER.  TOO MANY TIMES.  AND EACH TIME A LITTLE MORE DEPRESSING A LITTLE PIECE OF ME DYING UNTIL I HAD NO SELF ESTEEM OR HOPE FOR ANY FUTURE.  I CAN'T IMAGINE THEIR THINKING.  WAIT THEY DIDN'T THINK.

88 o s NOON.  IT FEELS WEIRD AND FANTASTIC TO DO WHAT I FEEL LIKE DOING.  I'M STILL IN AWE.  I EXPECTED TO GET USED TO IT.  JADED.  BUT NOT YET.

97 o s 4:30.  WHAT TO DO FOR DINNER. 

POST SCRIPTS

MY NECK!!  I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING WHAT I'M DOING.  I LOVE THOSE TWO WORDS.  GOING DOING. PRONOUNCED TO RHYME.  I'M IN A WHIMSICAL MOOD.

I'M IN PAIN I MAY AS WELL ENJOY MYSELF AS MUCH AS POSSIBLE.

I SPENT AN UNEVENTFUL NIGHT TYGJ.

ADROIT GAUCHE

RIGHT LEFT.  LOGIC EMOTION.  THE BALANCE.  MY BODY IS COMING BACK ONLINE.  TODAY MY WAIST SHOULDERS ARE SORE.  REDISCOVERING MY BODY.

I'M FEELING DEPRESSED.  I SPENT SO MUCH TIME AND SADNESS WITH MY PARENTS.  AT LEAST 25-30 DOCTOR VISITS A YEAR.  NO WONDER I FEEL TIRED.  I WAS WORKING PAYING MY BILLS AND TRYING TO HAVE A LIFE WHILE BRIGHTENING THEIR'S.   I TOOK THEM OUT.  DID WHAT I COULD TO BRING JOY. 

NEW DAY NEW ME

STARTED MY SEWING PROJECTS.  I'M FEELING WELL RESTED.  I DID MY SHOPPING AND STAYED HOME.  I BOUGHT 6 NEW SLIPPERS=$3.  I CAN USE THE SOLES TO REINFORCE MY CLOGS. 

I CAN FOCUS ON GETTING SCREENINGS DONE.  I STARTED DMV PRACTICE TESTS FOR LICENSE RENEWAL. 

my self

MOVING BACK TO TAKE CARE OF MOM DAD WAS TO FIGURE OUT MY SELF.

1989 MOM CALLED TO SAY THEY WANTED TO VISIT.  NEVER BEFORE.  I WAITED AND MADE TEA.  SHE AND DAD ARRIVED.  MOM DID THE TALKING WHICH WAS ALSO UNUSUAL.  SHE ALWAYS DEFERRED TO THE MAN.  SHE ASKED ME IF I'D DRIVE DAD TO DOCTOR'S FOR PROSTATE CANCER.  I SAID OF COURSE.

I KNEW THEY WERE TERRIFIED OF CANCER.  ALL FOUR OF MY GRANDPARENTS HAD IT.  DAD'S DAD WAS THE ONLY ONE TO KILL HIMSELF.  AS FAR AS I KNOW.

THEY'D HAVE TO GIVE ME ENOUGH NOTICE.  MY LAND LADY HAD JUST TOLD ME SHE WAS SELLING THE CONDO.  I HADN'T STARTED LOOKING FOR A NEW PLACE.  MOM SUGGESTED I MOVE BACK HOME.  I ACCEPTED KNOWING BEING SELF-EMPLOYED WOULD MAKE APT'S MORE DIFFICULT.

SO I WAS ONCE MORE IMMERSED IN THE QUICKSAND.  I WASN'T THINKING.  I'VE MADE MOST OF MY DECISIONS LIKE THAT WHERE FAMILY IS CONCERNED.  LIKE ACCEPTING MARRIAGE TO THE PERSON WHO HAD ALL THE WORST FAMILY QUALITIES.  AND I PROBABLY STILL REACT TO 'FAMILY' THAT WAY.

I DID MY SATURDAY AT MISSION.  JUSTIN IS MAGICAL BUT I DON'T KNOW IN A GOOD WAY OR FAMILY.  MY REPROGRAMMING IS MAKING MY EVERYDAY BETTER.  MY BACK NECK IS STEADY DESPITE THE CAR ACCIDENT. 

newest

I DID IT ALL.  EXERCISE, LUNCH, CENTRAL LIBRARY, ST J.  I DIVIDED THE AVOCADOS, GUAVA, CHILI PEPPERS INTO TWO BAGS.  JOHN GOT ONE AND I DROPPED OFF TOKI'S AFTER I FORGOT AND SELF CORRECTED. 

I'M FEEDING THE BIRDS LEFTOVER BAKERY. 

I WENT TO RETURN NORTH SIDE CHROME BUT CENTRAL RENEWED IT FOR ME SO I'LL JUST KEEP IT.  I REMEMBERED TO CLEAR SETTINGS FOR THE FIRST TIME.  AND I REMEMBER HOW TO REGAIN BLOGGER.  I READ NEWSPAPER.  VERY RELAXED.

AND I'M HOME EARLY FRIDAY.  I FORGOT JELLO AND MASH ROLLS IN CAR.  OH WELL. 

FEELING HAPPIER

FELL ASLEEP FOR 10 MINUTES AND DREAM WOKE ME.  I'M RENOVATING A HOUSE REPLACING WINDOW SCREENS GETTING RID OF MOSQUITOES AND I SEE YELLOW LARGE SOFT PARAKEET SC HASN'T BEEN FED COMES TO ME FOR FOOD.  I CAN'T FIND SEEDS.  I GO TO KITCHEN FOR FRUIT, CUT UP APPLE, BANANA.  SCARED ME WATCHING FOR HOUSE CATS.  DREAM STARTED WITH FRONT OF HOUSE LOOKING FOR TOM AND FRIEND TO HELP WITH CLEAN UP.  LOVELY BRIGHT TWO STORY WHITE WITH BLUE TRIM.

WOWIE WOW WOW

VERY GOOD PRODUCTIVE DAY.  I WAS SORE BUT DIDN'T TAKE WILLOW.  I EXERCISED AND STRETCHED IN HOT AND COLD POOLS.  FISH LUNCH SURPRISINGLY GOOD.  I GOT TOFU PEACH SALAD FOR DINNER.

I WENT TO PAY WALMART ON THE WAY TO LIBRARY AND FOUND TWO SMALLISH WOODEN ARTIST BOXES IN THE PARKING LOT DIVIDER.  I WENT IN PAID MY $1.62 LOOKED AROUND STORE AND REMEMBERED I CAN PAY PGE AND SAVE ME ANOTHER STOP. 

I PROCEEDED TO ATHERTON AVE CARE MORE GOT MY FLU SHOT HALF HOUR WATCHED 'MOM' ON TV.  DOLLAR TREE $TORE KITTY PEN + POST ITS.  LIBRARY AND HOME.

NEXT

I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.  I MAY AS WELL MAKE MONEY AT IT.  GERDA SNAGGED ME A POCKET SKETCH BOOK.  I WONDER IF SHE WANTS THE HUMMINGBIRD PICTURE.  I COULD MAKE HER ONE.

I WENT TO SPROUTS AND I'M HAVING PEACH PIE, MY HAPPY CHILDHOOD.

????

MY HIP IS STILL SORE AND I'M BETTER.  TWO DAYS OF OF SELF CARE.  I'M GETTING CRANKIER AND I'M OK.  AM I 'THOUGH.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING MOVIES FROM 2003 WHEN I WAS SO SICK.  AND IT'S COMPLETELY DIFFERENT BECAUSE I'M DIFFERENT.  THERE'S SO MUCH I MUST HAVE SLEPT THROUGH.

I GOT MAD AT KIMO.  THIS MORNING I STARTED A NEW PUZZLE AND HE SHOWED UP AS I WAS LEAVING TO EXERCISE.  SO THIS AFTERNOON AS I'M WORKING AROUND THE PUZZLE HE SITS IN MY CHAIR TAKING OVER MY SECTION.  I SAID I GUESS I;M INVISIBLE AND THREW THE PIECES I HAD ON THE TABLE.  HE IGNORED ME.  SO HE'S DEAD TO ME.  I'M GIVING AS GOOD AS I GET.

I WENT OUT TO THE CAR FUMING AND REMEMBERED I WANTED TO GO TO SAFEWAY FOR GRAPEFRUIT SPARKLING ICE AND WAS OUT OF SMOKES FROM WALGREEN'S.  I USED MY GIFT CARDS.

HURRAH FREE MONEY.

I'M MISSING TONGS.

HEADACHE

WHIPLASH FROM BUMP YESTERDAY.

IT'S RAINING. 

fallout

OK MY BACK WOKE ME.  AGAIN.  AND MAYBE YESTERDAY I'M FEELING UNUSUALLY HAPPY WHICH MAKES ME FEEL AN ANXIOUS REACTION.  I MANAGED TO STAY CONSCIOUS I THINK.  I FOUND A DIME AT MISSION.  HELLO UNCLE.  IN 87 o WEATHER I NAVIGATED COMFORTABLY.

I'M BEYOND THE FAMILY.  THEIR AND MY GREATEST FEAR OR MAYBE JUST MY GREATEST FEAR I DON'T KNOW.  I'M WATCHING BECAUSE I SAID SO.  SO BUSTER KEATON SCHOOL OF ACTING.

4 PM-
     I'VE BEEN RESTING WATCHING GLORIA, JULIANNE MOORE.  WOMAN OF A CERTAIN AGE.  I WAS HIT BY A 20 SOMETHING MODERN EAST INDIAN WOMAN BACKING OUT OF A PARKING SPACE AT SUNNYVALE DOLLAR STORE IN HER SILENT ELECTRIC SEDAN.  I COULDN'T HEAR HER CAR AND ONLY NOTICED THE TAIL LIGHTS.  SHE STILL HIT ME.  SHE WAS LISTENING TO SOMETHING WITH EAR BUDS WHICH IS ILLEGAL AND DIDN'T EVEN LOOK.  I'M A PRETTY LARGE TARGET.  I'M LUCKY TO HAVE PADDING.  IF I'D BEEN A CHILD SHE WOULD HAVE ROLLED OVER ME. 

I STOPPED AT PANDA EXPRESS, PICKED UP LUNCH AND CAME STRAIGHT HOME.

THE END OF DENIAL

AND THIS RENEWED CHROME IS FREAKING DOING WEIRD THINGS I'VE NEVER SEEN MUCH LESS IMAGINED.  I BELIEVE IT'S ACTING OUT MY INTERNAL TURMOIL.

THANK YOU CHROME.

5:23 AM THE TIME I WAS BORN.  THE TOUR AROUND MY HIGH SCHOOL WAS GOOD.  I WAS A VERY UNHAPPY GIRL.  THE LAST 18 YEARS I'VE BEEN A VERY UNHAPPY WOMAN AND I'M DONE WITH THAT.  I'M DONE WITH LIVING MY LIFE ACCORDING TO WHAT OTHER PEOPLE WANT ME TO DO AND I DO ONLY WHAT I WANT.  NOW I HAVE TO FIGURE OUT WHAT THAT IS.

TEENAGERS ARE SUPPOSED TO BE IN LOVE WITH THEMSELVES.  I SKIPPED AND HAVE TO DO IT NOW.

I CONSIDERED PAYING CSAA DUE TOMORROW, NAH.  THIS IS NEW FOR ME.

1;11 pm I EXERCISED, DECIDED ON CARL'S JR GUACAMOLE 2 X CHEESEBURGER AND STOOD FOR 5 MINUTES AT THE COUNTER OF AN EMPTY STORE WHILE THE EMPLOYEES TALKED IN SPANISH SO I LEFT.  IF I WANT TO BE IGNORED I CAN GO ANY WHERE.

SO I WALKED TO LUCKY'S (DR CHUNG WOULD BE SO PROUD OF ME) AND GOT MY FREE 10 OZ PC COLD BREW MOCHA COFFEE.  NOT VERY TASTY.  I BOUGHT THE PANERA GIFT CARDS FOR 1000 POINTS AND CHECKED OUT THE SALAD/ HOT FOOD BAR.    I GOT AND ATE .32 LB  CHILI CHICKEN AND MUSHROOMS $2.56.  AS GOOD AS PANDA EXPRESS.  EVERYTHING ELSE WAS DRIED OUT.  FRIED RICE, CHOW MEIN, CHILI RELLENO, BEANS, SPANISH RICE.  IF I GO EARLY IN THE AM I CAN GET IT ALL FRESH.

I FORGOT MY CHARGER IN THE CAR AND I CAN USE THE IN HOUSE STATION HERE AT MISSION MY SATURDAY GO TO.  I FORGIVE MYSELF FOR FORGETTING.  NO I CAN'T.  I GOT IT FROM THE CAR.

I SIGNED UP FOR PANERA AFTER CHECKING CARDS VALUES.  FREE PASTRY OR SWEET EXP. 11/13.

STILL 90 DEGREES+

TOMORROW TOO.  I DON'T KNOW WHY NORTH SIDE CHROME WON'T RENEW EVEN THO' I SPECIFICALLY INQUIRED.

I MAY BE WITHOUT TOMORROW.  I PLAN ON MISSION.  LIFE IS LOVELY.

JUSTIN CHECKED IT IN AND CHECKED IT OUT.  I WENT HOME WITH MY SALADS AND TRIED IT AND IT WAS LOCKED SO I CONTINUED TO WILCOX 50TH REUNION TOUR AND SAW BILL CHARRON AND RICK HAWKINS.  AND A BUNCH OF PEOPLE I DIDN'T REMEMBER.  I REMEMBERED DAVID MOLLENHAUER, ALEX FLORES, KERRY BURNHAM.  STEPHANIE CARTWRIGHT.  ALL ON FACEBOOK.  OH MAYBE THE NOTIFICATIONS.

SO I RUSHED BACK TO MISSION AND JUSTIN HAD NO PROBLEM USING IT.  I DON'T KNOW.  HE'S A HERO.

97 o s.

feeling better

I HAVE A NEW SET POINT.   MY NECK AND SHOULDERS ARE SUFFERING THE EFFECTS OF DOING LAUNDRY.  MY STOMACH IS UPSET WITH ME BUT OTHERWISE OK.  FUNCTIONING DEALING WITH IT.

STILL NEED MY MOOD UPLIFT.  I'M MOVING SLOWLY TAKING MY TIME BEING GENTLE AND KIND WITH MYSELF.  I HAVE A BIG RESISTANCE TO BETTER.  I LET GO AND LET GOD. 

PTSD

ALL THE STRESS OF THIS WEEK HAS BEEN 9/11/2001.  BEING BED RIDDEN I AWOKE 6 AM TURNED ON THE TV TO SCENES OF THE NY TOWER 1 ON FIRE SMOKE BILLOWING.  I COULDN'T FIGURE OUT WHY IT WAS ON EVERY CHANNEL.  I THOUGHT IT WAS A MOVIE UNTIL I TURNED ON THE SOUND. 

I'M FEELING SO SAD.

TYG

I SLEPT TIL 6. 

WHAT TO DO

I FEEL TIRED AND RESTLESS.  I KNOW WHAT I WANT NOT HOW TO BE IT.

HUSTLE THE DIRTY ROTTEN SCOUNDRELS REMAKE PLAYED 4 TIMES AFTER I WOKE 2:30 PANICKED STEVE WAS TEACHING ME COMPUTER REPROGRAMMING AND I WAS AFRAID I'D FAIL.  I CAN'T FAIL.  I HAVE TOOLS TO HELP ME.  I STAYED IN BED AND RESTED.  I'M STILL NOT CALM BUT I HAVE NATURAL SUPPLEMENTS WHICH I'LL TAKE NOW THAT I'M LUCID ENOUGH TO REMEMBER TO DO IT.

I ONLY NEED TO LET GO AND LET GOD.

10:30 AND I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT TO DO WHERE TO GO.  I FOUND AN OLD ENVY APPLE I SOMEHOW MISSED.  IT'S WRINKLY AND STILL CRUNCHY AND DELICIOUS.  I FOUND TWO GRAPEFRUIT TOO.

SANTA CLARA IS ONLY CITY CLOSED FOR ADMISSION DAY.  I CAN GO ANYWHERE ELSE.  I TOOK OUT GARBAGE.  NOT FULL YET.

10: 45 I FINALLY TOOK CALMER.  I GOT DISTRACTED.  DECIDED TO WAIT TRIMMING KIWI.  SO MANY POSSIBILITIES.  WEATHER OUTLOOK DRY TIL HALLOWEEN.  8 YEARS OF BEING BED RIDDEN HOUSE SURVIVED.  NOT WELL BUT OK.

I'M FEELING SAD.  CALM AND SAD.  BETTER.

I REMEMBERED I HAD DOUBLE LOAD OF LAUNDRY TO DO AT LAFFAYETTE LAUNDRY.  I WENT TO MISSION CITY CU FOUND OUT ONCE A YEAR SHREDDING.  THIS YEAR SHRED-IT TRUCK BINS.  ONLY SANTA CLARA CITY EMPLOYEES CAN BE MEMBERS.  MAYBE NEXT YEAR EXPANDED TO INCLUDE RESIDENTS.  I WAS INVITED TO EAT SO I TOOK ONE BURGER DOG TWO BAGS CHIPS COKE TO LAUNDROMAT.

I CHARGED CHROME LEARNED I NEED ADAPTER TO USE EXTENSION CORD.  3 TO 2 PRONG.

UNUSUAL

DID MY SUNDAY ROUTINE AND DECIDED TO GO STRAIGHT TO WALGREEN'S AND THEN DIRECTLY TO ST J EARLY NOON AND READ PAPER FOR HOUR.  SHOPPED STORED ITEMS.  BOUGHT TWO BEAUTIFUL WATCHES, STRETCH HEMATITE ANKLET, METAL TREE JEWELRY RACK $5.  LUNCH WAS GOOD CHINESE CHICKEN SALAD, SPRING ROLLS, BREAD ROLL BUTTER, BROUGHT HOME LEFTOVERS FOR DINNER.  I ASKED FOR WHAT I WANTED AND GOT IT.  HOW ABOUT THAT.

I WORE MY NEW DENIM DRESS I FIXED FROM CULOTTE LAST NIGHT. 

AT LIBRARY NEXT DOOR I CHARGED CHROME AND PHONE WATCHED HUSTLE.  HOME 5:30. 

TRIM KIWI TOMORROW, MISSION CU BBQ.

3 a m

IT JUST OCCURRED TO ME HOW DISAPPOINTED GOD MUST HAVE BEEN WHEN ADAM BETRAYED GOD FOR EVE.  HE KICKED THEM BOTH OUT OF EDEN BUT BEING OMNISCIENT HE KNEW BEFORE HE CREATED ADAM WHAT WOULD HAPPEN SO HOW COULD HE BE ANGRY.  DOESN'T MAKE SENSE.

BEST DAY EVER!!!! 

8 AM $TORE.  THEN I EXERCISED AND WENT TO VALLEY VILLAGE HEALTH FAIR 10;08 AND HAD TO PARK IN BACK WHERE HELEN LIVED.  THE WEATHER WAS COOL OVERCAST.  I READ THE PAPER AND DID THE PUZZLES.  I LEARNED FROM AN AGENT ANTHEM BLUE CROSS GIVES $500 PER YEAR FOR OTC PHARMACY.  ALL I HAVE TO DO IS CALL TO GET THE CARD. 

I LOOKED ALL AROUND AND GOT MY PASSPORT STAMPED FOR AN EXTRA RAFFLE TICKET.  DR FARI WAS THERE GAVE ME A BIG HUG.  THE NERVE.  SHE RESURFACED MY TEETH WEAKENING THE ENAMEL.  HER NEPHEW PAID FOR IT WITH HIS LIFE HIT BY A CAR ON HIS BIKE.  I WON A PEET'S COFFEE GIFT CARD AND FOLDING REUSABLE BAG.  GERDA AND ELSIE WERE THERE.  I GOT HER BBQ PLATE FOR HER.  I MISS DOING THINGS FOR OTHERS.  I LIKE BEING OF SERVICE TO PEOPLE WHO APPRECIATE ME UNLIKE MY FAMILY.  I SAT AND TALKED TO ELLA MAE AND HER DAUGHTER. 

WHEN I WAS LEAVING I SAW RAYMOND TALKING TO GERDA IN HER CAR AS SHE WAS LEAVING.  HE GAVE ME A BIG HUG AND INVITED ME TO HIS COTTAGE #10.  WE TALKED FOR AN HOUR.  THEN I WENT TO MISSION LIBRARY WATCHED DVD, ATE LEFT OVER GARLIC DOG, POTATO SALAD, BAKED BEANS.  EXCELLENT DAY. 

one step

I THINK I'M DOING OK.  OR BEING OK.  I FORGOT TWO BAGS AND ALL MY EAR BUDS SO I COULDN'T WATCH DVD.

I WENT TO CAMPBELL, $TORE EXTRA EAR BUDS, ST J AND WAS TIRED CAME HOME 3 P M.  TOOK APART CULOTTE DRESS AND THOUGHT ABOUT FLORA.  SHE'S TRYING FIRST PRESBYTERIAN AFTER GETTING KICKED OUT OF CHURCH OF THE VALLEY.  IF THEY ACCEPT HER IT'S NOT THE CHURCH FOR ME.

EMERGENCY

I'M EMERGING.  I WONDER IF THE BUTTERFLY IS SELF AWARE.  I'M FEELING A LOT OF PAIN.  I TOOK PASSION RELAXER AND WHITE WILLOW.

DAD'S 20TH DEATH YEAR.  STILL DEAD.  I THINK THE PROLIFERATION OF ZOMBIE MOVIES SPEAKS OF HOW THE DEAD ARE STILL WITH US.  FRANKENSTEIN LAZARUS THE FASCINATION WITH DEATH.  EVEN TERRORISTS AFRAID TO GO ALONE AND TAKING VICTIMS ALONG.  THAT EXPLAINS HIS HORRIBLE BEHAVIOR.

I'M AT NORTH SIDE 3 AVAILABLE 4 MILES FROM SENIOR.  THERE WAS HOLD ON CHROME MISSION.  SO I'M RESETTING SITES.  AND KEVIN DOESN'T WORK HERE ANYMORE. 

I TRIED PLAYING FOOLS & HORSES AND THERE'S A PROBLEM WITH DISC 1 & 2.  3 PLAYS FINE AT HOME.  I'LL TRY WALTER PLAYER.

I DROVE COMPLETELY AROUND COVERED PARKING CIRCLING AROUND AND FOUND GREAT SHADY SPOT.

LETTING GO

IS BEHAVIORAL RETRAINING.  I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT 'JOB' A LOT.  I DON'T BELIEVE GOD MADE A BET WITH THE DEVIL.  GOD ISN'T AN OLD WHITE MAN MAKING ARBITRARY DECISIONS SITTING ON A BIG WHITE CLOUD.  GOD IS A PHYSICS CONCEPT OF THOUGHT ENERGY.  ELECTRICITY ALWAYS EXISTED BUT COULDN'T BE USED UNTIL PEOPLE UNDERSTOOD THE ENERGY.

I WATCHED 'IT'S KIND OF A FUNNY STORY' ABOUT SUICIDE.  COINCIDENTAL SINCE THURSDAY IS DAD'S 20TH OF HIS DEATH AND HIS DAD HUNG HIMSELF.  I PICKED IT TO WATCH SOMETHING FUNNY.   OH, WELL.

I GOT GAS COSTCO EXPEDITIOUSLY AND ARRIVED SENIORS 15 EARLY SO I DID BILLS.  I RETURNED SOME DVD AND WAS MISSING TOMORROWLAND.  I REMEMBERED I PUT SOME IN THE BAG POCKET AND THERE IT WAS.  I REMEMBERED I PUT THE SPARE BOTTLE IN THE CONSOLE TOO.

I WALKED TO MISSION CREDIT UNION.  I GAVE INGE THE FREEBIE COFFEE FOR SHE AND MAURICE.  LUNCH HAD QUINOA.  I'M EATING HEALTHIER EXCEPT FOR LAST YEAR'S HALLOWEEN CANDY.  I DECIDED TO THROW OUT BREAD AND COOKIES FOR BIRDS.

LET GO

LET GOD TODAY'S DAILY WORD.  I BROUGHT MY BREAKFAST.  I 'M TAKING SAMPLES OF MOOD UPLIFT.  NATURAL BOTANICALS.  I'LL HAVE TO CHECK THEM OUT ONLINE.

SO LOVELY COOL THIS MORNING.  64 o.

MY BACKS A LITTLE SORE FROM THE ORGANIZING I DID YESTERDAY.  I DIDN'T GO TO EXERCISE UNTIL 11.  I WANTED TO FLOAT AND DID.  HALFORD B-KING ISN'T AS JUICY AS ECR.  I'M READY FOR MY CEREAL NOW.

I ATE MY CEREAL AND BRUSHED MY TEETH SEEING ONE TOOTH WESTERN DENTAL WORKED ON DISCOLORED SO UGLY.  NOT ONLY DID THEY KEEP ME WAITING 3-4 HOURS EACH APPOINTMENT, OVERCHARGED ME, DISRESPECTED ME WHEN I COMPLAINED BY ASKING ME HOW IMPORTANT MY TIME WAS DID I HAVE ANYWHERE IMPORTANT TO BE.  THEIR WORK IS CRAP.

I HAVE TO LET IT GO.

MOM MARRIED A CHILD

DAD NEVER GREW UP.  PETER PAN.  AND I MARRIED IMMATURE EX.  THE ONLY EXAMPLE I HAD.

I WAS WATCHING HUMMINGBIRD PROJECT.  ONE SONG ABOUT A MAN PERPETUAL CHILD.  DAD.

THE ANSWERS ARE OUT THERE.

I'M OK

YOU'RE OK AND NOT.  TWO BOOKS FROM THE 70'S.  HADDI AND HIS BUDDY WERE TALKING ABOUT IT IN THE POOL FRIDAY.

I'VE READ SO MANY BOOKS.  LIVED SO MUCH LIFE.

I THINK I'M OK.  DAD DIED 20 YEARS AGO THIS THURSDAY.  THAT LAST WEEK MOM AND I DIDN'T SLEEP.  DAD'S SUFFERING HE MADE SURE WE SUFFERED ALONG. 

END OF MONTH

BEGINNING OF NEW WORLD.  OH, I GOT THE DVD FROM ART.  I HAVEN'T WATCHED IT YET.  I WATCHED THE MAKING OF AND THE GIRL IS 14.

I FINALLY REMEMBERED THE LUNCHABLE I BOUGHT LAST LAST SUNDAY.  I ATE IT FOR LUNCH.  LUCKY I DIDN'T BUY B KING.  PSAT S IN COMMUNITY ROOM AND I HATE EATING OUTSIDE.  FLIES, BUGS, DIRT IN MY FOOD.  I HAVE DIVAN AND PITA AT HOME.  I'M READING THE PAPER CHARGING PHONE N CHROME. 

EXERCISE

THE UNIVERSE IS IN CONSTANT MOTION.  OUR BODIES ARE CONSTANTLY PROCESSING.  EXERCISE IS SIMPLY GOING WITH THE FLOW.  I ALWAYS FEEL BETTER MOVING.

I'VE STILL GOT IT.  STEVE CHATTED ME UP.  PARKS AND RECREATION.  HE WAS CLEANING LIGHTS.  I WENT TO ST J TO DROP OFF NEWSPAPERS.  I FOUND SWISS DEMITASSE SPOON & SEWING JUMBLE $.81.  HE SAW ME WALK FROM THE LIBRARY AND WAITED 20 MINUTES.  ASKED ME IF I WAS A NURSE OR TEACHER.  I HAVE THAT LOOK.  I TOLD HIM I'M A PERPETUAL STUDENT WITH AN UNQUENCHABLE THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE.  TRUE DAT.  HE SAID I LOOKED SMART. 

OH, HE'S YOUNGER.  SAYS HE'S LIVED HIS ENTIRE LIFE IN S. C. 

I'M A COUGAR.