processing my unhappy childhood

i'm feeling the past.  i'm releasing the chemical imprinting.  it's exhausting.  fighting ghosts.

i have a plan for today.  the beauty is i can do whatever i want.  i'm feeling responsibly free.

i want to return hot spot, recycle inge's bottles and have fun.  i think i'll start with soak and stretch.  i took out garbage.  mom always made it such a Herculian task.  

paid allstate home ins by phone.  i started for gym, suddenly detoured, recycled trunk $1.88 and here i am seniors news team in the cold interviewing seniors so i paid bill.

don't know how i've survived

God i suppose.  i'm babying my body.  my back is so sore and my right temple feels on fire.  i cooked enough food fry day for the weekend and the burratta is bland to last me.  i'm binge watching the first season of '3rd rock from the sun'.  kept my spirits up 1996 taking care of the parents.  

i may be able to stay up and watch 'all creatures..'   last two sun days i've been too sick and tired asleep by 8.  staying in bed and resting 2 days really helps.  

very satisfying watching 'all creatures'.  

burratta very bland.

i'm trying to like it.  i cooked potatoes and carrots with the shredded chicken and cheese.  with the white balsamic delicious.  i had 2 pieces lemon zest cake from sprouts slept an hour sugar coma.

loaded my freebie 20 oz starry

picked it up and clearance boneless skinless chicken breast $1.53 $6 off.  at gym went for soak stretch at 24.  packed chicken in icy drinks in the car trunk.  an experiment.  i'll cook for weekend.  worked great.  library closed 2 i put everything away and nuked the chicken with dry mustard and leftover coleslaw 3 minutes high 35 minutes simmer.  perfect tender.

unlearning

harder maybe than learning.  definitely harder.  the hardest part is the heart ache of knowing the family conspired to deny my life, negate my existence.  still makes no sense but it was.  and now anything is possible.  i gave Joanie brown and navy scarf and she loved its 'perfection' but maybe she would have said that about anything.  my self doubt is never being good enough for family.

b'fast? what i want.  there's always the doubt of the best thing.  today i practice clearing doubt.  fear of condemnation criticism.  and i'm committed to waiting half hour to digest.  

i love having 2 laptops and going to whichever is handy.  it's like magic.

i feel solid

i like how i feel except for feeling tired but that's 'cause this weight is constant weight lifting.  i could force myself to rest more.  when i rest for 10 hours or more i'm excellent.

20 minutes = 3 % of the charge.  i love facts.  i probably could have been a scientist.  i suppose i am a partial christian scientist.  a scientist looks for consistent repeatable results.  

this week i've been clearing vampire sites from privacy settings.  for the first time i'm warned when memory space is getting overloaded.  parasites from linked sites i use.  the chrome crashes are explained.  not me the vampires killing the host.

wearing joanie's boots

lovely warm feet.  good lunch toke, diane, alex, returning senior.  relaxed main puzzle filled water.  home early looked for buttons.  changed plaid hoodie.  i'm feeling mellow.  i ate bean stew and toasted croissant.  

i spilled choc almonds and simply cleared it up.  didn't feel upset.  

despite the violence i'm ok.  i sliced the olive cheese loaf toasted a piece with white balsamic so delicious.