adulthood is hard

back again.  i'm bored with the routine.  maybe why i wiped everything and had to reload everything.  

and i did it without rancor.  it helped that i found 400 bad dad jokes when i left the asian kids books i found abandoned cup library.  my hot button i can't ignore abandonment.  i suffered so much neglect myself i can't ignore it.

went home directly after lunch pick up.  taking care of me feels threatening.  left over 'family training'.  i was always punished if i took care of me.  a constant.  reassuring in a perverse way.

a-somehow lost settings

and i didn't care.  

9/5/99 sunday morning

7:30 i got the call dad died.  alien told me to call nit.  we cried together.  she admitted she killed him by forcing him to the chiropractor.  i denied it even tho' i knew it was true.  the next 20 years was defending myself alone from their 4 lawyers by retaining my own.  they graphically threatened to evict me physically throwing me into the street.  they stole from me when i physically needed help.  so they were effectively dead to me too.  

my entire life was misery.  hell can be on earth heaven can too.

i thought i wanted to do something active today.  not gym, or laundry, and lose my shady parking space at home.  so today is working on sewing things i've wanted to do.  and babying myself like no one ever did.  mom was always the baby in hawaii.  she became the oldest sister here.  telling everyone what to do.  my childhood ended at 4 years old.  we came here isolated with family secrets.  my sisters were allowed out i was the sacrificial scapegoat.  goat=greatest of all time.  won't underline.

9 am 'make this tonight' program channel 20.4 short ribs, musubi, garlic green beans.  consumer 101 program.  

a-sv lib-0h, dad tomorrow died 9/5/99

i'm free.  8:30 i went $v dollar store for amber wash fish oil.  i may be able to use repellent window wash for car.  i have to try it.  

9:30 i decided i can blog @ cup to get shady parking.  8 minutes 4.6 miles.  i'm trying to decide on lunch.  nothing feels right.  i had noodles salad jerky b'fast.  i have to return a requested exercise dvd.  and i can pick up 'love american style'.  beyond that i don't know.  i discarded cutting cactus and washing clothes speaking of which Kelly specifically said the clothes she gave me were clean and aren't.  i know that was a thought in not doing laundry but now i don't know.  i have so many clean clothes.  

64 o lovely under the tree.  the overcast from the wild fires way up north is cooling everything.  burning my eyes tho'.  

10 i can game inside cup library and charge chrome.  i did my phone last night.  

loaded 2 sanitizer freebies @ safe way just 4 me.  wasn't there yesterday.   noon  i decided to look for freebies biggest store.  i asked drug dept inventory stock taker told me came in once and no product since.  i thanked her chose clearance pumpkin cheese turnovers and assorted danish.  i asked front end manager if more product other than drug dept suggested checking register displays.  so i looked and found sterling solitaire ring on floor fit me perfectly.  

lunch chili and pumpkin turnover.

i'm babying my pinched finger.

it's so swollen.  i keep forgetting and ripping it open.  it's little buts bleeds a lot.  maybe part of being left handed.  it's on my right index next to palm.  i never noticed how much i use my hands.  i try to keep band aids on it.  

good day shampooed, exercised, computed added free baguette, picked up lunch and on to college safe way 3 stagg chili all they had frozen kung pao chicken $3.50.  ok cooked in pressure oven.  not worth going back for more.  Sara picked up freebie 2 cob corn.  

home 12:45.  

ouchy pinchy

i woke 6:30 i think because of the lack of oxygen due to wild fires.  got to seniors 6:30 after picking avocados.  pinched my finger using basket picker due to design.  adjuster faulty.  bled for hours.  i put salve and band aide.  redid it after shower, exercise.  Kelly gave me 6 jackets.  i kept 2, pink and orange.  sherbet.  returned films to bookmobile gave Cody avocados Kelly declined.  i computed a little, picked up lunch, home 11:35 'f troop.'  ate lunch puttered with clothes.

pampering myself.  redressed my pinched finger twice more.  i'm eating as much as i can.  makes me feel less tired.  

so many white people trump followers.  Kelly being told how to live by men not interested in helping her just flapping their jaws.  complaining of wearing masks saying ineffective while the evidence proves masks help based in infection rates.  saying vaccinated are dying opposite of truth.  so crazy wrong.  

so many families have people in the fire areas

 

and covid.  i do not understand all the unvaccinated people getting sick now telling others to get vaccinated.  it's been going on all through the epidemic.  

i woke 3:30 watched 'love boat.'  my pelvis is shifting.  i have to eat or feel sick nauseous.  i made ramen added senior green salad, jerky.   

i went seniors early showered, exercised, charged chrome, filled 4 waters, computed so i could pick up lunch and do my banking.  i got home 12:45, ate lunch.  cooked onion potato.  snacked on cereal, almonds, crackers.  

last month the end of 22 years processing the family tradition of tragedy.