ELIJAH AT G2 SAFEWAY OVERCHARGED ME $2. THE SELF SERVE DIDN'T TAKE THE FREE COUPONS. OVER $30 AND HE TRIED TO TELL ME IT WAS CRV AND TAX. NOT IF IT'S FREE. NO TAX OR CRV. HE TOLD ME TO CHECK MY MATH LIKE HE HAS A BACHELOR'S IN BUSINESS MANAGEMENT. I ALWAYS GOT A'S IN ACCOUNTING. I CORRECTED TWO BANKS CHECKING STATEMENTS. I THINK NOT. I DON'T ARGUE WITH IDIOTS. WASTES MY TIME.
Sunday, April 14, 2019
Saturday, April 13, 2019
I DON'T KNOW
TODAY IS A DAY OF RELAXATION. 10 YEARS AGO I DIDN'T KNOW HOW I'D LIVED MY LIFE DRIVING MYSELF FORWARD BY HABIT. I DIDN'T OWN MY OWN LIFE. I WAS TAUGHT/HABITUATED TO DO WHAT WAS RIGHT FOR THE FAMILY. I WAS COERCED TO NEVER QUESTION WHETHER IT WAS GOOD FOR ME. I KNEW WHAT I HAD TO DO. EVERYTHING WAS FOR THE FAMILY. I DIDN'T EXIST. I LIVED FOR THE FAMILY. I THINK THAT'S THE BIGGEST LESSON FROM FRESH OFF THE BOAT. THAT WAS IN BELLS ON THEIR TOES TOO. THE SEQUEL TO THE 1940'S ORIGINAL CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN BIOGRAPHY OF THE GILBRETH FAMILY.
EDDIE HUANG HAD TO FIGHT FOR HIS LIFE. AS AN ASIAN AMERICAN A FLUID IDENTITY IS SO ALIEN. EVERY PERSON IS AN IMMIGRANT. EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS A CHANCE TO CREATE THEIR OWN IDENTITY AND LIFE. THAT'S THE AMERICAN DREAM/PROMISE. IT KILLED ERIC. HE TRIED TO BE AND WAS THE PERFECT JAPANESE/AMERICAN SON. HE HAD NO PERSONAL AGENDA. HE DIDN'T EXIST. THAT'S WHAT I'M SO SAD ABOUT. HE NEVER REALLY LIVED HIS OWN LIFE.
WHILE FIGHTING FOR MYSELF MAKES ME STRONGER I'M TIRED.
I WALKED TO 7/11 FOR A LOTTO TICKET $34 MILLION. HEY SOMEBODY HAS TO WIN.
1 PM- I GOT LAST NIGHT'S EMAIL FROM SAVERS. IT WAS ALMOST EMPTY. I ASKED THE CHECKER WHEN THEY ANNOUNCED THE CLOSING, TUESDAY. VERY SHORT NOTICE. TODAY THE LAST DAY. THEY STOPPED RESTOCKING TUESDAY.
I GOT PINK COTTON FABRIC AND SALAD BOWL $2. I STOPPED OFF AT ST. JUSTIN'S WILL BE CLOSED 18-28 SPRING BREAK.
EDDIE HUANG HAD TO FIGHT FOR HIS LIFE. AS AN ASIAN AMERICAN A FLUID IDENTITY IS SO ALIEN. EVERY PERSON IS AN IMMIGRANT. EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS A CHANCE TO CREATE THEIR OWN IDENTITY AND LIFE. THAT'S THE AMERICAN DREAM/PROMISE. IT KILLED ERIC. HE TRIED TO BE AND WAS THE PERFECT JAPANESE/AMERICAN SON. HE HAD NO PERSONAL AGENDA. HE DIDN'T EXIST. THAT'S WHAT I'M SO SAD ABOUT. HE NEVER REALLY LIVED HIS OWN LIFE.
WHILE FIGHTING FOR MYSELF MAKES ME STRONGER I'M TIRED.
I WALKED TO 7/11 FOR A LOTTO TICKET $34 MILLION. HEY SOMEBODY HAS TO WIN.
1 PM- I GOT LAST NIGHT'S EMAIL FROM SAVERS. IT WAS ALMOST EMPTY. I ASKED THE CHECKER WHEN THEY ANNOUNCED THE CLOSING, TUESDAY. VERY SHORT NOTICE. TODAY THE LAST DAY. THEY STOPPED RESTOCKING TUESDAY.
I GOT PINK COTTON FABRIC AND SALAD BOWL $2. I STOPPED OFF AT ST. JUSTIN'S WILL BE CLOSED 18-28 SPRING BREAK.
Friday, April 12, 2019
GETTING ENOUGH REST
AS LONG AS I LAY DOWN ENOUGH I'M OK. I'M RELAXING. I'M NOT STRESSING AND WORRYING LIKE I USED TO WHICH WAS SCARY IN ITSELF. I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE THE FEELING. SCARY IS AN OLD FEELING. MOURNING IS LESSENING FOR ERIC'S SHORT TRAGIC LIFE.
GRACIE FELL AGAIN. SHE'S SO DEPRESSED AND SAD. I WONDER WHAT SHE WAS LIKE BEFORE HER ACCIDENT. I KNOW WHAT SHE'S GOING THROUGH PHYSICALLY.
I ATE PEANUT BUTTER AND BANANA 8 PM. TOO MUCH SUGAR. OH, WELL.
GRACIE FELL AGAIN. SHE'S SO DEPRESSED AND SAD. I WONDER WHAT SHE WAS LIKE BEFORE HER ACCIDENT. I KNOW WHAT SHE'S GOING THROUGH PHYSICALLY.
I ATE PEANUT BUTTER AND BANANA 8 PM. TOO MUCH SUGAR. OH, WELL.
Thursday, April 11, 2019
NOT AS OK AS I THOUGHT
I THOUGHT I WAS OK UNTIL I SAW MY LOCKS ON THE HANDLE OF THE LOCKER I USED YESTERDAY. I FORGOT AND DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE I FORGOT. I DON'T KNOW HOW TIRED I AM. I STILL HAD TO GO TO CAMPBELL LIBRARY. I CAME HOME 1:30. I LAY DOWN AT 3:30 AND SLEPT UNTIL 5. I'M STILL MOURNING ERIC.
I HEATED THE SPIRAL CUT HAM FROM THANKSGIVING WITH ORANGE MARMALADE. SO GOOD. I COOKED AND ATE 3 SMALL ARTICHOKES FROM MY YARD.
MY CITY UTILITIES WAS $80 HIGHER BECAUSE OF THE NIGHTS I LEFT THE LIGHTS ON AND I USED THE OVEN TO COOK AND TOASTER OVEN TO HEAT CRESCENTS A LOT. AND CHARGING THE LAPTOP AND GAMING ALL DAY. LIVING LARGE LAST MONTH. I PAID PROPERTY TAX TOO.
I HEATED THE SPIRAL CUT HAM FROM THANKSGIVING WITH ORANGE MARMALADE. SO GOOD. I COOKED AND ATE 3 SMALL ARTICHOKES FROM MY YARD.
MY CITY UTILITIES WAS $80 HIGHER BECAUSE OF THE NIGHTS I LEFT THE LIGHTS ON AND I USED THE OVEN TO COOK AND TOASTER OVEN TO HEAT CRESCENTS A LOT. AND CHARGING THE LAPTOP AND GAMING ALL DAY. LIVING LARGE LAST MONTH. I PAID PROPERTY TAX TOO.
Wednesday, April 10, 2019
WITNESSING
ERIC'S LIFE WAS SO TRAGIC. WHEN FRANK TOGAMI WAS KILLED IN 1998 I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT. HE WAS KILLED THURSDAY ABOUT 4 AND STEPHANIE CALLED ME FRIDAY MORNING. I COULDN'T ACCEPT THE TRAGEDY. I'D JUST SEEN HIM 3 NIGHTS BEFORE AT ERIC AND STEPHANIE'S ENGAGEMENT PARTY.
IN MY MIND I REACHED OUT TO FRANK AND THERE HE WAS. I ASKED HIM WHY. HE LOST MANY COMRADES SERVING IN THE 442 WW 2 AND DIED AS A WARRIOR. HE HAD JUST ANNOUNCED HIS RETIREMENT FROM TOGAMI AUTO REPAIR AND COULDN'T SEE HIMSELF TRAVELING WITH ROSE. HE DIDN'T WANT TO WAIT FOR THE SPECTER OF CANCER. HE LEFT ERIC WITH A HEAVY BURDEN. ERIC TOOK ROSE TO LUNCH EVERY SUNDAY. HE LOVED HIS MOM UNCONDITIONALLY.
IN MY MIND I REACHED OUT TO FRANK AND THERE HE WAS. I ASKED HIM WHY. HE LOST MANY COMRADES SERVING IN THE 442 WW 2 AND DIED AS A WARRIOR. HE HAD JUST ANNOUNCED HIS RETIREMENT FROM TOGAMI AUTO REPAIR AND COULDN'T SEE HIMSELF TRAVELING WITH ROSE. HE DIDN'T WANT TO WAIT FOR THE SPECTER OF CANCER. HE LEFT ERIC WITH A HEAVY BURDEN. ERIC TOOK ROSE TO LUNCH EVERY SUNDAY. HE LOVED HIS MOM UNCONDITIONALLY.
Tuesday, April 9, 2019
TYRANT TO TYRANT
WHEN I WAS 16 I DISCOVERED I HAD RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS AFTER MY DAD PUT MY 10 GALLON AQUARIUM WHICH I BOUGHT AND PAID FOR OUT ON THE PATIO ONE FREEZING WINTER. WE'D HAD A HISTORY OF ME MAKING HOT BUTTERED TOAST AND HOT CHOCOLATE BEFORE BEDTIME. I HAD A MIDTERM THE NEXT MORNING SO I MADE HIM HIS TREAT AND TOOK MINE INTO MY ROOM AND STUDIED. NEXT MORNING MY AQUARIUM WAS GONE FROM THE KITCHEN. MY MOM DELIGHTED IN TELLING ME WHAT DAD HAD DONE THE NIGHT BEFORE AND I RUSHED OUT TO SAVE MY POOR FISH. THEY WERE HANGING IN THE WATER ALMOST FROZEN.
I FILLED A BOWL OF WATER AND PLUNGED MY HANDS INTO THE ICY WATER. MY HANDS BECAME RED SWOLLEN AND USELESS. MY MOM LOOKED AT MY PAIN FILLED FIERY HANDS AND SAID I HAD MY GRANDMA'S ARTHRITIS AND POOH-POOHED MY PANIC ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF HER MOTHERLY LOVE.
WHEN I WAS 18 I WAS FORCED OUT TO LIVE ON MY OWN. AND STARTED SMOKING. MISSING THE EVER PRESENT EFFECTS OF TOBACCO. I BEGAN LIFE IN UTERO LIVING ON NICOTINE. MY DAD CHAIN SMOKED AND MY MOM LIT HIS CIGARETTES WHILE CONDEMNING HIM FOR SMOKING. AND THAT'S WHEN MY ALLERGIES STARTED.
WHEN I WAS 20 I MET WILL. HE WAS THE COMBINATION OF ALL MY FAMILY SO OF COURSE I WAS TOTALLY CO DEPENDENT WITH HIM, MARRIED HIM NEXT YEAR. HE CHEATED AND BETRAYED ME LIKE MY FAMILY. JOHN BRADSHAW, HENDRICKS AND HENDRIX CLARIFIED MY LIFE AFTER YEARS OF RESEARCH. WHAT I THOUGHT WAS NORMAL UNTIL I OBSERVED OTHER PEOPLE LOVING AND RESPECTING AND SUPPORTING EACH OTHER. WOW!
2:18 pm. I CRIED FOR ERIC WHO LIVED THE LIFE I WOULD HAVE LIVED IF I'D BEEN MALE. HIS MOM WAS DAD AND AILEEN COMBINED. THE FIRST TIME I MET ROSE I KNEW HER. ERIC WAS OPENING A NEW KARAOKE SHOW IN ALMADEN VALLEY. SHE LITERALLY CAME RUNNING AT ME LIKE A JUNK YARD DOG WANTING TO KNOW WHO I WAS WHY I WAS THERE. I JUST LOOKED AT HER BEING FAMILIAR WITH THE BULLYING BEHAVIOR.
AND ERIC IS DEAD TWO YEARS NOW AFTER 60 YEARS 10 DAYS OF LIFE. IN 1998 THE WEEK ERIC AND STEPHANIE HAD AN ENGAGEMENT PARTY ERIC WITNESSED HIS DAD'S MURDER BY A DRUNK DRIVER AND RODE IN THE AMBULANCE WHILE HIS FATHER DIED. THEN CAME THE YEARS OF GOING TO TRIAL. HIS LAST 5 YEARS WERE DEALING WITH STOMACH, LUNG CANCER. HIS SUFFERING IS OVER MY SADNESS CONTINUES LESSENING OVER TIME.
I FILLED A BOWL OF WATER AND PLUNGED MY HANDS INTO THE ICY WATER. MY HANDS BECAME RED SWOLLEN AND USELESS. MY MOM LOOKED AT MY PAIN FILLED FIERY HANDS AND SAID I HAD MY GRANDMA'S ARTHRITIS AND POOH-POOHED MY PANIC ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF HER MOTHERLY LOVE.
WHEN I WAS 18 I WAS FORCED OUT TO LIVE ON MY OWN. AND STARTED SMOKING. MISSING THE EVER PRESENT EFFECTS OF TOBACCO. I BEGAN LIFE IN UTERO LIVING ON NICOTINE. MY DAD CHAIN SMOKED AND MY MOM LIT HIS CIGARETTES WHILE CONDEMNING HIM FOR SMOKING. AND THAT'S WHEN MY ALLERGIES STARTED.
WHEN I WAS 20 I MET WILL. HE WAS THE COMBINATION OF ALL MY FAMILY SO OF COURSE I WAS TOTALLY CO DEPENDENT WITH HIM, MARRIED HIM NEXT YEAR. HE CHEATED AND BETRAYED ME LIKE MY FAMILY. JOHN BRADSHAW, HENDRICKS AND HENDRIX CLARIFIED MY LIFE AFTER YEARS OF RESEARCH. WHAT I THOUGHT WAS NORMAL UNTIL I OBSERVED OTHER PEOPLE LOVING AND RESPECTING AND SUPPORTING EACH OTHER. WOW!
2:18 pm. I CRIED FOR ERIC WHO LIVED THE LIFE I WOULD HAVE LIVED IF I'D BEEN MALE. HIS MOM WAS DAD AND AILEEN COMBINED. THE FIRST TIME I MET ROSE I KNEW HER. ERIC WAS OPENING A NEW KARAOKE SHOW IN ALMADEN VALLEY. SHE LITERALLY CAME RUNNING AT ME LIKE A JUNK YARD DOG WANTING TO KNOW WHO I WAS WHY I WAS THERE. I JUST LOOKED AT HER BEING FAMILIAR WITH THE BULLYING BEHAVIOR.
AND ERIC IS DEAD TWO YEARS NOW AFTER 60 YEARS 10 DAYS OF LIFE. IN 1998 THE WEEK ERIC AND STEPHANIE HAD AN ENGAGEMENT PARTY ERIC WITNESSED HIS DAD'S MURDER BY A DRUNK DRIVER AND RODE IN THE AMBULANCE WHILE HIS FATHER DIED. THEN CAME THE YEARS OF GOING TO TRIAL. HIS LAST 5 YEARS WERE DEALING WITH STOMACH, LUNG CANCER. HIS SUFFERING IS OVER MY SADNESS CONTINUES LESSENING OVER TIME.
Monday, April 8, 2019
TWO YEARS
RIGHT ON SCHEDULE. THE SECOND YEAR IS THE HARDEST. ERIC'S SAD SHORT LIFE 6/3/1956-6/13/2017. I THANK GOD I WENT TO VISIT HIM THAT LAST WEEK. 6/11 LAUREN'S BIRTHDAY. WOW, LAUREN WILL BE 39 AARON IS 41.
MOM'S DEATH 18TH YEAR 5/13/2001 COMING UP. I'M FINALLY OK WITH IT. I HOPE IT DOESN'T TAKE 18 YEARS AGAIN.
1:11 PM I'M SITTING IN FAMILY WASH ON LAFAYETTE. LOVELY, LARGE, BRIGHT. DOUBLE LOAD IS $2.50. AND I TAKE MY TIME. AND I LISTEN TO LOUISE. I LISTENED WHILE PUZZLING THIS AM AND DIDN'T LISTEN TO ANY NEGATIVITY. I LOVE LAUNDRY. I LOVE CLEAN CLOTHES.
I HUNG CLOTHES AND REPAIRED SHIRT AND SHORTS.
MOM'S DEATH 18TH YEAR 5/13/2001 COMING UP. I'M FINALLY OK WITH IT. I HOPE IT DOESN'T TAKE 18 YEARS AGAIN.
1:11 PM I'M SITTING IN FAMILY WASH ON LAFAYETTE. LOVELY, LARGE, BRIGHT. DOUBLE LOAD IS $2.50. AND I TAKE MY TIME. AND I LISTEN TO LOUISE. I LISTENED WHILE PUZZLING THIS AM AND DIDN'T LISTEN TO ANY NEGATIVITY. I LOVE LAUNDRY. I LOVE CLEAN CLOTHES.
I HUNG CLOTHES AND REPAIRED SHIRT AND SHORTS.
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