I JUST DON'T KNOW/LIARS

I'VE BEEN WATCHING NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION DVD.  I WAS ABUSED BECAUSE OF MY AUTISM.  I WAS BURNED AND TORTURED DUE TO A'S LIES AND FALSE BLAME. 


NO WONDER I WAS CONFUSED.  HOW COULD THE LIAR BE BELIEVED?


THOSE WHO CHOOSE TO BELIEVE LIES ONLY END UP LYING TO THEMSELVES.


THE SELF LIES LEAD TO AN INEVITABLE UNHAPPY DISEASED END.

THE OUCHY FACTOR

I LOOK FORWARD TO THE TIME I HAVE NO ACHES AND PAINS.

THAT'S WHAT AGING IS:  ACHES AND PAINS.  HOW YOU KNOW YOU'RE OLD.

I PLAN ON YOUTHING.

THE SEGREGATED-SEGMENTED MIND-DIS/FUNCTION

I CONSTRUCTED SHIELDS TO PROTECT ME FROM MY ABUSIVE FAMILY.  THOSE WALLS ALLOWED ME TO SURVIVE BY AVOIDING DIRECT CONFRONTATION WITH THE HYPOCRITES WHO SPOKE LIES TO MY FACE BASED ON THEIR WALLS.


THAT IS HOW THIS PLANET DIS-FUNCTIONS.


I CAN ONLY BE AS HONEST WITH MYSELF AND OTHERS BASED ON THE ACCESS I HAVE TO MY AUTHENTIC THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS.


AUTHENTIC FEELINGS ARE BASED ON REALITY.  AUTHENTIC REACTIONS TO STIMULI. 


SELF-PROTECTIVE, CONSTRUCTED FEELINGS AND REACTIONS ARE REQUIRED IN DANGEROUS SITUATIONS.  MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL DEFENSIVE WALLS LIKE CASTLES AND MOATS.  REACTIONS ARE CONSTRUCTED BY LEARNING WHAT WORKS TO DIFFUSE EVENTS; HOW TO MINIMIZE UNWARRANTED PUNISHMENT. 


I DON'T KNOW WHAT I FEEL FROM TRAINING MYSELF TO DIFFUSE.  RETRAINING IS EXHAUSTING.  I WILL GET FASTER, IT WILL BE EASIER.


 

survived another death-iversary/NOT VERY WELL

I'VE BEEN BETTER. 

SUNDAY OR MONDAY (LABOR DAY 9-5) I USED THE POLE BAG TO PICK AVOS AND THIS WEEK HAS BEEN TORTURE.

MY BACK, FEET, ARMS, SHOULDERS HURT SOOOO BAD.  AND TUES' 88DEGREE DAY I ALMOST HAD A MIGRAINE.  I HAD TO GO HOME AFTER CAMPBELL LIBRARY FROM NAUSEA. 

TODAY'S THE WORST.  I'LL GO $TORE AND HOME.  I PROMISED MYSELF CHIPS AND ICE CREAM.

I MAY STAY IN THE REST OF THIS WEEK RECOVERING.  THE SQUIRRELS AND CROWS CAN PARTY HARDY.

SUNDAY SENIOR ST JUSTINE

IT STARTED OUT WEIRD WITH NO PARKING AT THE LIBRARY DUE TO SOME BIKE DEMO AT THE PARK.  THEY HAD THE ROAD BLOCKED UNTIL 1PM.  I PARKED ST JUSTINE.

SO I WENT TO ST JUSTINE AFTER RETURNING MY DVDS.  HAD CHICKEN ALFREDO, SALAD, GARLIC BREAD.

THIS AM I WATCHED SUN MORN CH 5, CLASS STRETCH, HOT TUB GYM, SFWY, HOME AND MOVIE, CONFIRMATION; CLIVE OWEN AS AN ALCOHOLIC CARPENTER AND TAKING CARE OF HIS 9 YR OLD SON.  I DIDN'T GET WHY IT WAS IMPORTANT UNTIL I SAW HE WAS A CARPENTER. 

EXPLAINS A LOT ABOUT MY ALCOHOLIC FATHER, CODEPENDENT MOTHER.  MAYBE IF HE'D HAD A SON HE WOULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING WITH HIS LIFE.

THEY ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL INADEQUATE NOT BEING THE BOY.  NOT MY FAULT, THEIRS. 

TAKE THAT!!!

CAL FIRES

THIS SUMMER HAS BEEN CONTINUOUS FIRES NORTH AND SOUTH SO THE BAY AREA IS CONSTANTLY AFFECTED.

MY ALLERGIES AND FEELING TIRED.  I'M TAKING BETTER CARE OF MYSELF AND USING THE OPPORTUNITY TO PRACTICE.  PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT.

WHY, OH, WHY DID I TAKE SO LONG?  I GUESS THE PERILS OF OUTRAGEOUS FORTUNE. 

I DESERVE A LOFTY,CLEAN, COMFORTABLE SPACE ALL MY OWN.  I DESERVE GREAT FOOD.  I DESERVE....MY BEST.

NEW INSIGHT/ T

POOR THING WAS VAGUE ABOUT THE GIG AT THE SEBASTOPOL  GRAVENSTEIN APPLE FESTIVAL.  HE'S ALWAYS TRYING TO MANIPULATE.  HE WOULDN'T EVEN TELL ME WHERE OR WHAT, SAYING HE DIDN'T KNOW.  HE KNEW HE WAS PLAYING AT 2:30.  HE DIDN'T WANT TO GIVE ME A CHANCE TO GOOGLE ANY INFO.  THE DAILY WORD WAS GRACE.

WE DIDN'T LEAVE SAN JOSE UNTIL 8:30 A.M.  HE STOPPED AT LOCO'S WITHOUT MENTIONING TO ME HE NEEDED THE PASSES AND TICKETS PRETENDING HE TOLD ME.  WE GOT TO SEBASTOPOL AND HE WAS A CHICKEN WITH HIS HEAD CUT OFF.

HE TRIED TO DROP ME OFF AT THE GATE SO I WOULDN'T SEE ANYONE FROM THE BAND.  HE DISRESPECTED ME HOPING I'D GET DISGUSTED.  LIKE THAT'S SOMETHING NEW.  SUCCESS WILL ALWAYS ELUDE HIM.  I WONDER IF HE'LL EVER LEARN TO SEE IT OR WILL HE CONTINUE TO PRETEND.

QUITE THE CLIFFHANGER.

I HAD A GOOD TIME.  I WALKED AROUND WITH MANUEL'S WIFE, GRACE.  I BOUGHT BEADS, ROCKS, AND CHICKEN TKAAL FOR LUNCH.  I CHARGED IT ON DISC SO I HAVE A RECORD.