Wisdom for a HAPPY HEALTHY DEATH-Do not like the new blog configuration-the old style was clearer and easier to use, this one is too much guesswork on the limits and meanings. And it automatically edits and adds flourishes.

Old people deteriorate because otherwise they'd want to live forever. 


Most people are totally selfish.  Most want the rules to apply to everyone else and themselves to be special and exempt.  The way to live a happy healthy life is to wholeheartedly plan a happy and healthy death.


OK. Changed my mind about new format.  It is an improvement.


Big win yesterday.  Wheelchair bully tried to engage me in her "help me" drama.  Like the fly trapped in the spider's web.  Been there, done that with dad.   Don't want or need to do it again.  I'll just watch her fade out. 


Remembering how dad wanted to be the invalid with all around him catering to his every need.  Lonely, unpleasant people.  The only way to trap company.  Like Lucille.


The lesson of the FLY.  The lost cause crying for help.  Insincere.  Lucille is the spider and the fly.


Looked up Dr. Fari and her YELP is baaad.  What and how do I help?  Ehh,  she may deserve it.  How do I know.  Who do I think I am.


I don't need to do anything.  Not my job.

I'm Royalty in a heat wave

Yesterday after it started to cool off, I opened the bathroom window and noticed Tomas had left the saw horses in the dirt.  He left a mess like he usually does.  I was too tired to check last week or whenever it was, like I usually do.  Passive-aggressive.  And in denial re-his family.

I am the child of the queen of denial and the king of the passive-aggressive.

And I'm physically ok.  The heat and the activity are ok. I've been taking care of myself and doing laundry and banking and I feel hot and sweaty but not like I'm dying.  Woo-hoo!!!!

I have Hope again.

Made it through another tax season*Learning to love MySelf

4*24*14-THURSDAY


Deep breath in and let it go.  I sooo don't like this planet.  No, I like the planet, the 5% humanimals (human-animals) ruin it. 


X hated people and his idea of heaven was no other people.  A lonely man.  A bitter, vindictive, hate filled man.  I guess he got so good at hating he lost the ability to control it and wasn't interested in re-learning love.


Humans are so imperfect we need the definition in the Bible to know what and how to love. 


I don't know if I've ever been loved.


90% are average and 5% are intelligent/compassionate enough to live thoughtfully, and 5% are just mean hum-animals.


We had new people at the table yesterday.  So many new people don't come back.  The food or the company?

4*24*14-UPDATE*Almost forgot Scott-skylight4*8*14 install tuesday

4*9*14wednesday


So dad's 40yr old skylit finally got a new top yesterday.  Doesn't look $250 worth.  Well, what goes around comes around.  I don't mind the $250 for labor but I wonder how long the guarantee lasts on the cover.  Scott called to say he didn't do the cover Monday because he had a sinus infection and had to go to the doctor and get antibiotics.


4*24*14thursday
Called and left message on office phone regarding getting some paperwork.  I just had a brilliant idea and googled the manufacturer.  They have an office in Campbell.  WOO HOO!!!!!

It's been a looonnnggg time-First post 4-9- 2014

I hadn't realized how long it's been. 

I guess I'm a lot calmer than I realized.

I'm still dealing with the family curse.  Had my tooth crowned $800.  Still paying for it.  Like my family.  Paying for their sins.  Missing the target.  Huh. 

I never know what I'm going to come up with until I start writing.  I suppose I should write therapeutically. 

Janet came back from HI vacation and brought me candy from Uncle Dickie.  She makes me laugh.  She said be sure to send him a thankyou so he wouldn't think she ate it.  The first time I talked to her was at the library lecture on chocolate and she was there with her elderly neighbor.  I won a bag of books and she won huge chocolate bars.  She had dropped her ticket on the floor and said she never won.  Then, she doesn't eat candy so her neighbor and I benefited.  So I offered her my books in trade and she said she doesn't read.  I think she's hilarious.  I think it's her delight in not liking to read. 

So Friday I have another tooth to fix.  The domino effect. 


Physically I've been able to function so much better.  Emotionally I'm still learning.

Pain-free paint

The Pain from the past                                                         
Tomas was kind enough to choose the paint contractor for me.  I was emotionally paralyzed.  Too many decisions on what to leave behind from the past.                                                                      
I've been taking a vacation from my life here at 449 Zaton.  Spending 70% here, 25% at seniors, and 5% at 2281 Nobili av.
 Della's at Mary's in Ariz.

Strange new sensations, pain?  in different parts of the body.       

I called them Mon. 23rd and had tue and wed Christmas to adjust to the idea.  They started Thu and even came 10 min. early.   

more pain surfacing-pain in paint

I have a new roof.  And now the painting.  And the terror of doing the wrong thing, making the wrong choice, and the resulting fear of lifelong humiliation is back. 

Ouch!!!!!  My shoulder blades feel as if I'm growing wings.  Hopefully something equally good arises.  Who knows?

All the physical trauma of being abused and the emotional pain of what my mom in her ignorance (I hope) encouraged A to become a sociopath by approving of the torture and laughing.  

Mom went out of her way to impress on me All through my childhood how retarded I was, until I went to kindergarten and tested as gifted.  One of the many family jokes about me, singling me out as the family joke.  Not the family comedian, but the family joke.  The literal butt of the family. 

How I was weirdly careful as an infant and never fell off the couch.  Did she want me to??

How I hated carrying my own soiled diapers.  Who would enjoy that??

And every day some new humiliation to endure.  I became terrific at enduring.   Observing my sisters given their every hearts' desire and "poor susan" learning to look the other way and pretending not to hear the laughter and learning not to care.

I learned to care for other things.  What is truly valuable,  what is truly important.  What is necessary, what is the minimum?  They left me nothing else.

My life so far has been barely surviving.  The depression, fear, solitude, all a flashback of my childhood.  

I guess that's what makes it so scary, I thought it was behind me and once again the same feelings are back.  

Out on my own from 1-39 yrs I learned coping behaviors, but was I really living?  Guess not if it's back.

Mr. Rhodes my advisor and first employer ( I tutored his daughter in math from a D to a B) was the first adult to help me.  He paid for me to go to a weekend Christian camp in Ben Lomond and applied to the colleges for me.  

I knew I'd have to pay my own way as always.  So I chose SJSU.  What would I have become with support??

I asked M&D why if I was such a retarded burden they kept Aunty Katchan from adopting me.  Mom said dad wouldn't allow it.  He wouldn't answer.  Confronting them at 39 may seem foolish but A only told me at 35.  Now I know he was just jealous.  Like the night he put my aquarium on the porch in the middle of winter, trying to kill my fish.  

And he taught Mit to do the same with my parakeets.  

Feeling exhausted. 

Got 4 estimates:  Affordable Ptg, HouseDrs, Faith Ptg, and Alfredo Perez.  

After the stress of finding and choosing a roofing contractor I'm emotionally and physically wasted.