Survived mom's b-day

Tomas called to check up on me yesterday with the pretext of tamales.  He's a good friend.  I was in a holding pattern. 

Went to Campbell Library and checked voicemail so I went by his place.

He said he wanted to use the timeshare so I asked him when he wanted to use it.  Then I remembered jeopardy and forgot timeshare so I'm going back today after lunch (Srs) and with my mobile I'm mobile and more versatile.  He wants me to use it too.  I don't really care.  No, really.

Waiting for the other shoe to drop-Ann Xiety

My old friend, Ann Xiety.    Cleared some stuff from living room.  Okay maybe I overdid.  Fell asleep easily tho'.  Exhausted.  11pm-5:16am.  Tailbone on fire.  Stomach queasy.  So maybe I'll phone it in.  I have to confront dr ali at some pt but not today.  I still have to cash refund from ATT.  

Still so attention deficit.  Just spent half hour cruising sites to cash check.  I have to laugh or cry.  

Stomach is trying to tell me something.  Made yummy potatoes, brussel spts, shredded carrot mix last nite.  Been eating mango salsa and beans and rice.  Vegetarian heals and helps anxiety.  

Just discovered if I put cursor over on right side a page pops out.  

Maybe it was the bupropion, welbutrin.  Took one ystrday and this a m at 5:16.  A mystery.

Maybe a nico-lozenge will help.  Yes it's better.  Welbutrin is supposed to suppress the desire for nicotine.  

I want to go to Campbell library today.  That's what I want.      

I need something like nicotine to ground me for want of a better word.  

That's the planning to the Oakridge Mall.  Saver's, Vitamin World, 1.2 mi apart.  Salvation Army Sunday?

I'll find it soon.

New Age Dawning-and it's freaking me out

Everything is going so well.  Like b4 parent trap.  Taking care of parents is a mistake.  Bigger than marrying the wrong person.

The only reason I married him was cuz he was familiar.  Like the sum total of all members of my family.

What a landmine!!!!!

So now I'm licking my wounds and healing myself.

Specifically, I haven't lost anything lately.  I have allergies and I have the time to take care of myself.  Tomas has been wonderful getting my cleanup ready for next week.  I have a feeling of doom and sadness.

I'm on the edge of new territory.  I feel I'm entering a new world.   I'm leaving the old behind.

First Comcast was jerking me around $47-$48/mo., so I switched to ATT and they outright lied about how much it cost $55.60.

The landline is the only continuity I've ever known in my life.  Everything else changed.  People came and went.  

The phone number moved with us from 1160 Lawrence Sta. Rd. to Nobili Ave.

Getting rid of the expensive landline and going to 2cellular phones is generating either new feelings of insecurity or is exposing dormant feelings.  Maybe fear of the new.

Every operator at Consumer Cellular has made me feel we're on the same team.  Fellow creatures.  And I've talked to maybe a dozen or more of them asking questions and getting help.  So I've entered the modern age?

catching up with myself

Did it again.  I talked to Toki while she was on the stationary bike and I forgot to tighten my back brace.  I had it on but didn't fasten the straps.  I guess I injure myself to slow myself down.  I do have a habit of turbo charging.

So last night and today I'm  relflecting and taking my pain meds.  I still managed to cook pork and beans last night.  And I'm readying myself for laundry. 

I'm typing better but I guess because of taking typing in high school and being stuck in it for the whole term when it only takes two weeks to actually learn it was so frustrating to me I still feel resentment.  Another form of hurting myself.

I'm going through all the literature I've collected and catching up there too.

I don't know how I got the title to be red or the background of this blog so pretty.  I think this is my favorite blog. 

Let's see how this looks.  TYG I love it.!!!!

All the blogs are reflections of different aspects of myself.  Still learning who I am.  Moving toward who I'm becoming.

NEVER BELIEVED I'D LIVE SO LONG

This color thing is fascinating.  Makes me happy.  I feel creative.  Called EHollywood to see if he wanted to movie on Memorial Day.  He didn't pick up but called back.  He saw avengers already.  I'd rather see MIB3 in imax. 

I do want to see what imax is like.  Haven't since the Disneyland travel across america.

Tomas brought me cupcakes and worked 2 1/2 hrs in yard.  I'm feeling pretty good after 2.  Still have to finish picking up weeds.  I put away tools and got splinter.  I guess I still haven't quite accepted my good gracefully.

Everything coming into alignment.

This is cool.  I hated the new format until I found the color pallettes for text and background.

Yesterday was T's b-day.  Called him a.m. and wanted to take him to lunch or dinner.  He said D wanted to take him to lunch and we could join.  Too advantageous to miss.  Two birds.  Had nice time. 

Stopped at citibank on her corner for cash and the account summary charged me $10.  So stopped in to ask what the charge and found they dinged me for transferring a credit they owed me to my

.  The computer called it a cash advance.  I had to explain three times it wasn't a cash advance because they owed me the money from refunded fees and penalties when I paid my account on time.  The system is so lame.  And the tellers have to deal with irate customers. 

Just another nail in their coffin.  More incentive to leave them.  I'll divorce them.

I had cash and didn't have to stop at bank.  Glad I did.  I wonder how many others are charged, don't check their statements and just pay them unearned $??

Went to Savers for senior day.  Found skirt and hanging organizer.   

I like the new colors.  So artisic and me.

Feelings shrouded in smoke

Been smoking Mar and Apr.  Kuni wrote a note I rcvd 3/30 that Kyochan died the 25th.  She fell and never recovered.  This last year Kyochan had a hard time just breathing.   I hope she managed to stop smoking.  I wonder if she ever tried the nicorettes I sent her?

I guess I feel depressed.  And maybe someday I'll feel grateful for this too.  During the week I could feel an increasing discomfort building.  Saturday I went to pscyho-scrapbooking 9-11:30 .  Vascillated whether I felt like going.  Dragged myself there and found out M's (she wasn't there) breakthrough last week warrented more intense treatment.  Felt wrung out like a dish towel when I got home due to my realizations.  How I'd been programmed and subtly trained.  The recurring horse theme in my life.  Dad's love of westerns when he couldn't love us.  I had put them together unconsciously.  Looking for love in all the wrong places and for the wrong reasons.

Then on Sunday couldn't get out of bed.  Puttered around the house until 4pm and realized it was A's bday.  The only thing keeping me going is

THIS TOO SHALL PASS.

Took myself to Walgreen's for a newspaper and wandered around the store 'cause I felt like it.  There being no one in checkout.  Then when I felt the green light to checkout I saw R two places ahead of me.  I followed her out because I wasn't sure it was her with a huge bandage on her forehead.  She said she fell.
I didn't offer help I couldn't manage.  Big breakthrough for me.  I can barely manage my life.  I was in the right place at the right time.  Even feeling depressed.  Gives me hope that everything will come out all right.

I feel smoky in my middle if I describe it.  Ahh, the smoking.  Ahh, the swelling.

I've been reading the Anne series by Montgomery.  Tolkien's Ring trilogy kept me sane during high school.  Decided I want to create a place people can experience to lift them out of the everyday.  Give them a break.