it's been 3 years since i quit smoking. my body remembers my mother attempting suicide and i started smoking again. i'd forgotten.
october dad would get anxious about being laid off during winter rainy season. he was so mean to mom she took all his sleeping pills. i was at work. i got home 4 pm and dad asked if i wanted to go to carrow's for prime rib dinner. i told him to ask mom if she wanted to go. that's when he told me she was at valley medical because kaiser had no psych dept. he called 911 instead of taking her to emergency. we live 5 minutes away. i couldn't believe my dad's behavior. total disconnect with reality. iasked when my sisters arriving he wondered if he should call them. he hadn't, he called my auntie, her sister in hawaii 3000 miles away and didn't call my sisters half hour away. so bizarre. insane. i never realized how deeply sick my family was. my sisters to this day deny reality. they still insist my mom swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills by accident.
my body has remembered. post traumatic body memory. just thinking about it i want a cigarette. i'll buy more nicotine tabs. i may need them for the rest of my life. i refuse to suffer any more.
No comments:
Post a Comment