feeling rich

i have $30 left on card.  $125 will load new year.  i still want to look walmart.  went 8 am thinking the pharmacy opens 9 not 10.  finally 9:30 i tried service desk to buy 3 biotin and worked.  i walked everywhere.  stopped walked homestead safeway.  steady rain went gym swam.  just like hawaiian winter 60 degrees.  parked in back so busy.  hungry went b king whopper jr and fries.  christmas chocolate candy dessert.  delicious.  finally remembered to cook chops.  added potatoes celery carrots.  senior center carrots are terrible tortured.  actually delicious cooked like pot roast.   

1:30 slept almost 3 hours exhausted and sugar coma.  and i'm very pleased with my day.

7 am cost co gas 10 min and way cheaper

then free ginger tonic lucky's 4 sanitizers .49 rang up $2.  shelf tag numbers matched 3 boxes i took tag to front tag price and exercise gym.  an hour early i went laundry dry and match socks.  lunch good company long table again.  no mention not savings seats flyers gone.  gave sanitizers inge gerda art marik kept carabiners.  weird chicken lunch.  no where to go libraries closed but safeway sushi free water.   

i can't believe how much i've been doing

my back is terribly painful and i'm doing so much.  nerves are all coming alive.  gym, seniors joanie gave me boots.  she had the nerve to ask about all the free stuff.  i give away what doesn't belong to me.  each round table had flyer saying forbidden to save seating.  we added 2 places.

went cost co noon and 4 pm after sunny too crowded.  i've driven 200+ 3 weeks.  3 free meals library extra one delicious 2 weird.  

watching doc martin in reverse

so much better in reverse.  starting with season 9 going backward watching the special features is more relaxing.  like visiting pleasant family.  no uncomfortable surprises.  

free safeway drink motivation to get moving.  swam back hurting new spots.  college no drinks changed to homestead and found halloween green peep frank n stein 37 cents and cute skeleton head 2 dollar.  stopped sprouts to sunny library 99 cent creamer, rocks $4.50.  

puzzled tried to order otc vitamins half hour.  home dinner then called waited on hold hour persia 7 minutes filled due 12/31.  $32 left.  maybe in store i have 3 days still. 

steady rain all night

very noisy.  i relaxed went gym 8:30 taking my time still raining.  surprising full parking.  i swam went to dollar tree for multi completely out.  none.  seniors i got extra veg chili i gave to homeless 'eric' sitting front door.  added corn bread square to dinner.  cooked more potato carrot celery added last of chicken.  toasted last garlic bread for dessert so good.  life except for my body deteriorating is good.

better today 24 hour bed rest

i stayed in bed nothing on tv.  unlike 2001 i feel ok and have cooked food.  i stopped everything when eric died.  he was me i could observe and pray for a better life.  when he died my hope for a heaven on earth was set back.  evaporated.  eric died his father's death.   

b'fast was cooked veg chick garlic toast.  lunch i added lemon cake.  feeling guilty.  like life is too good.  i got used to giving away the best from mom always taking everything i loved to give to my sisters or to throw away.  why i don't know.  i made myself crazy trying to think insanely.  ouch.  and they threw me away too.  took 3 pieces of lemon cake to unlock that nugget.  make that particular truth palatable.

awake 12 happy b'day jesus

i'm feeling such excitement.   i've never been this free unencumbered.  i never got presents.  i got socks underwear and always new toothbrush and nightie for new year's i couldn't use 'til then.  i'd watch my sisters unwrap their gifts of new clothes toys in addition to their yearly required sensible things wrapped as presents.  that's when i went numb.  it hurt too much.  at 8 i thought i was cinderella.  i couldn't be part of this family.  dressed in hand me downs i was the outcast, the servant, scapegoat blamed for every family misfortune and misery constantly striving to do better be better.  no wonder i feel so exhausted.  it's a miracle i didn't end up crazy.  maybe i did and don't know it.    on the one hand powerful and impotent on the other.  

3:30 cooked cauliflower finished senior mash with chick watching doc martin marathon.  eric death left me devastated.  i stopped everything barely surviving.  

i choose love

louise hay, course in miracles.

best eve ever!!  swam gym, puzzled main.  home i checked lucky's free tea 64 oz.  considered decided to get butter too.  pork chops clearance 3/$3.  

discovered pluto tv.  free but full of commercials.  

taika waititi

amazing imagination.  i'm enjoying thor love and thunder.  watched it 3 times so far.  i choose love.  COURSE IN MIRACLES.  all the violence seeking to force love.

10:53 seniors.  after gym i went back home i forgot purse remembered and packed x mas goodies.  shared sweet chex mix with inge, bev, marik, smelly larry, stranger.  main puzzle 'til closed 2 open tomorrow.  i went with spirit giving.  too many people static.  they brought in extra servers probably to feed them.

puzzled at main library 'til close at 2.  open tomorrow 10.  tired.  diane total energy vampire.

baked chicken

keeping it in cold room 'til i can bone and make soup.  loaded free lucky's tonic water.  9 am lots of gym parking seems people already leaving vacation travel.  cody taking family to joshua tree next week city closed.  lunch county still open.  tygj.  so hill and heather pissed.  today no scolding 12:15 about closing lots stayed for left overs.  none.  den couldn't walk i suggested office chair i used for dad indoors.  no thanks.  oh, well keeps them stupid.  gratitude opens the heart and mind.

putting my legs up such a huge difference.  kids are howling in anticipation of tonight's rain.  watched bad mom dragging kids not what they want all about her.  that's where bullies come from.  not having a mother only a bigger selfish self centered child.  probably the solution is license.  you have to know how to drive and have a license take a test but any idiot can have kids.  no wonder so many social problems.

what a wonderful day.  celebrity wheel tonight i hope i can stay awake.  i'm full of roasted chicken.  i boned it and ate to my stomach's content.  

i think i'm ok

we'll see.  i accomplished so much yesterday like vibrant healthy me.  i think it was wearing the brace keeping everything aligned.  admitting my human limitations.  accepting.

i'm not ok.  found box front porch from alien from cousin carol in HI.  i'm freaking out.  what do the evil sisters want.   

nora monaco

1985 morgan hill.  she was in women's group i was invited to join.  she told me i carried everyone's guilt.  as i release guilt my life is abundant.  the family criticized ridiculed harassed me.  i had no right to live.  

picked up bio steel drink lucky's re parked swam hour.  safeway clearance 2 hula hoops fudge cookies.  went st just picked up pantry and clothes.  lemon streusel bundt cake delicious and almond bear claw in toaster woo hoo.  senior lunch good chicken mole too excited to eat.  2 hours puzzling main remembered last day safeway veg.  i'm using gift cards.  

kept on brace put 3 bags away heated lunch made wiener toasted bun.  i'm feeling so blessed.  i'm taking care of me.

guilt

started out great day.  freebie 12 days of x mas bean dip 16 oz big one.  showered swam 84 degrees hot tub 104.  mailed cards.  stopped safeway clearance so happy 3 halloween spiders $4 batteries included.  main puzzled hour lunch seniors then back to main.  i thought i broke the chrome.  it fell out of the car scraped underground parking at main.  music stopped then worked.  i puzzled 'til 2 then underground parking stopped working again.  

i came home feeling like a huge loser throwback family criticizing.  got out old chrome to check availability of library chrome and it was the hot spot malfunctioning.  reset started working again.  zero charge on my chrome battery didn't register.  it was a regular chrome crash i interpreted as punishment for being too happy.  still past stuff to weed out.  wore brace all day babying myself.  

free dairy

2 liquid yogurt safeway.  maria was out gym 2 out expecting product i hot tubed took my time checked back got both.  too early library i remembered i needed water soft cleaner home depot.  looked computer went out of stock clerk suggested santa clara.  i asked about delivery she said 2 hours pick up.  i wanted to prepay.  i decided lunch panera sandwich and bacon quiche.  then picked up free lucky's french bread mathilda.  perfect time library.  2 puzzles in an hour.  on to laffayette home depot.  home sliced bread ate delicious fresh baked hummus.  finished sandwich.  

great day!!

hostile environment

the worse the situation the faster the results IF the same intensity is focused on change.  complaining only reinforces the terrible situation.  

i went to gym lucky no freebie wash soap only complaints like it came out of employee pockets.  so i left re parked my car showered at 24 flirted w/alex cutie.  b'king chick fingers fries.  then to main 12:30 puzzle and st just 1 bag $20 gift cards.  

i get to mourn my imaginary family

real losses of some horrible people.  fictional people have what i need to restore my soul.  i watched east indian funeral 'good karma hospital' father died daughter spent last time releasing letting go.  cathartic for me.  my dad died a baby never my father.

diane lunch late pissed when i saw her main.  she gave up seat so ron late sat.  heather has it in for crippled parkinson loves to push his buttons.  he gets so mad.  wet hen.  i started new puzzle half hour.

my ribs are sore.  turned my life over went to safeway for soup 4/$5.  finally took back wrong p'nuts made $4 on purchase unsalted.  found out less than dollar on gift card =zero.

lovely quiet evening watching 'lopez' and 'young rock'.  

i love leftovers

chicken spinach feta dip rice pasta so good.   

organizing my life.  occurred to me to ready st just letter pick up don't know where it is.  looked through car and roll y.  good clear out.  

no new puzzle main i'm resting.  excellent or i'd overdo.  i swam and jet massaged tub after cody bookmobile.  much wiser too cold to go out wet.

i'm feeling restless hurry up and be rested already.  i used dr christiane northrup advice re missing letter.  came home checked everywhere found it.  

tyg pain free miracle

if i only knew how i'd do it everyday 24/7.  savory cereal oatmeal choc ginger chicken feta dip delicious b'fast.  i love mixing matching dishes.

seniors paid utilities 2 days late didn't put on calendar.  done and done.  spent half hour listening to healing accounting bills.  so pleasant.  car warming up 43 degrees 9 am.  sitting in the sun shades up. 

lunch so good women's club turkey dinner delicious stuffing salad mix veg cranberry orange cooked from scratch.  pumpkin bite.  could taste pumpkin.  so nice alex, toke, ron, joanie.  she makes me laugh.  she lied it took them so long to serve lunch she got ron extra pie.  tiny one inch square delicious.   

went college safeway asked wed free snacks loaded on acct almond hummus corn chips.  on to main finished puzzle pieces missing computed rested back.  went car put away back filled water.  considered dollar tree remembered chicken.  home 4:30 made rice pasta found cooked spinach added feta dip delicious plenty for 2 meals b'fast.  

9 pm ready for rest.

i can do what i want

woke and was hungry ate 2 snacks.  watching 'kim's'.  i just realized my movie family is the big family i always wanted.  loving inclusive.  and i picked up 'good karma hospital'.  i have huge tv family for holidays.  loving supportive family.  considering mom dad sisters condemning critical soul killing what i have now is so much better.  and not due 'til 1/3/23.

mitt sent xmas card after all this time and all the cards i sent xmas and b'day for years with no response.  she must have noticed gardener and wants help alien.  

real i d extended to 2025.  maybe required do away completely.  

6:30 freezing 37 degrees out.  

lunch lovely toke, alex, diane.  last day panera b'day and nob hill sale.  hmm....how much do i want it?  

just saw cute alex from 24 studying.  i decided on sc pan just blue muff.  drove home continued to under parking nob had my favorite soup and peas $2.48 less than safeway.  done and done.  5 pm.

astonishing

amazing.  my back and body feel fine.  8:30 i drove to cost co just in case.  traffic light i filled tank 10 minutes done.  $3.99/g.  seniors good parking i organized car.  showered stretched puzzled.  lovely lunch with toke alex ron joanie.  decided to go cole man cost co.  getting into lot a challenge.  walked around looking for garlic herb almonds couldn't find.  found coconut dark choc almonds.  cut line by accident.  checkout offered to ring up hot dog i did it walked over to food 2 lines one payment kiosk and pick up.  6 feet between i stepped behind woman.  man came up behind me saying he was in line yeah right.  maybe he was but 6 feet behind i avoided the kiosk line.  i picked up my hot dog and soda.  drove around back easy.  on to sunny vale library to pick up movie pop up sale i bought 2.  saw online postcard reply in mail to jury duty.  dismissed for 12 months.  home 4:30 i ate hot dog.  almonds dark choc not good.  like mini almond joy.  not quite.  too bad.  

8:30 i'd like another hot dog.  nothing i want to watch.  bed and movies.

feeling horrible

i want more heaven.  as all the chemical memories leave my body the process feels painful.  i have to relax and minimize the damage.  feels like 2001 when mom died i ripped up my back my sisters attacking abusing me like always.  doing what mom and dad taught them.  i can distract myself from the worst of it with tv and subliminal music.  

9 am my back continues to protest.  could be the constant rain.  atmospheric pressure.  turmeric, kava, p flower.  

fell asleep pain exhausted dreamed of tobacco balls.  i don't know.  part of the pain resonance is nicotine leaving cell storage.  excruciating waves started after i had tiny bit of gum with sugar free 2 ?? weeks ago.  

2 pm i put on brace and put out recycle and garbage bins.  i've been doing too much without it.  i've been trying to resolve dad making everything harder on himself and everyone around him.  i don't understand.  

it's weird there's nothing of interest to me on tv.  found romance marathon 5 pm.  i never was interested now i'm studying what i want.  family always pooh poohed my life.  now i can do what i want.  called cathy to acknowledge receipt of her beautiful card.  

miracle i'm still alive

the body can endure miraculous pain.  and i'm still here.  i cooked chicken with curry orange zest and pulp.  tastes healthy minimalist.  used juice to cook rice added slivered almonds.  stomach cramping i think curry.  feels like 2001 when everything i ate felt like broken glass and i lived on vicodin.  i'm not hungry took my supplements so i must eat.  if i knew what causes i'd avoid. 

considering st just or main or sunnyvale book sale.  or just resting.  determining what my soul and body desire.  yay! me!  i am truly blessed with ability and freedom.  if only this debilitating pain would go.  exhausting trying to run away from pain.  that's games and puzzles feeling ok.

pain getting worse i have liquid willow from sprouts helping most took 2 kava 1 p flower.  pain subsiding.  i can rest.  spasms comes in waves one second fine then excruciating.  no more solid food for awhile.  just grapefruit candy.  muscles feel bruised ripped torn.

3 pm feeling better spasms less made soup from senior lunch salad rice and potatoes.  maybe if i cook it enough it will digest.  back on the spiral.  feeling sneezy.  cold steady rainy damp day.  good day to stay in bed.  i'm so hungry yet afraid of cramping.  i just realized it's the same reaction as my raw onion allergy.  i never eat raw onions so i didn't put it together before.  

my stomach feels like i've been kicked in the gut.

better

i feel like a miracle.  since 2 am when i finally felt warm the pain is gone.  woke 8 late.  lunch lovely everyone present toke brought me b'day sushi.  brenda gave me sweet cookie i gave to albert.  stomach neck shoulders stiff sore.  nothing to compare to last night,

'kim' 2 and 5 at main puzzled and picked up.  

hurrah! cody

he brought my combo and heather told me everything due to jan 3.  so my holiday covered.  no charge always says hour even when hour half.  i like NOT feeling obligated to compute.

lunch lovely diana didn't want persimmons toke brought gave to brenda so happy.  

i don't feel like puzzles.  it's freezing cold.  my back is screaming pain like 1972 when i fell.  it was exactly the same.  i slipped on ice.  

the young asian tech jiggled the combo and it started working.  maybe it was the low 23% battery.  i couldn't get it to work.  it suddenly reset.  maybe my static electricity.

my back and stomach screaming just like 1972 i took 2 kava willow turmeric.  neck feels like a block of granite.  playing takes my attention from constant pain.  

best b'day yet

brenda bought 2 plain old fashioned donuts decided she didn't want them no sugar glaze offered them to me i asked how she knew my favorite.  she wanted a taste of persimmon i was going to take home and cut up i gave her 4 instead.  2 birds.  our souls inexplicably connected.  

i remembered after lunch i wanted to ask toke if she received ads.  diane was quick off the mark trying to get my ads.  i almost forgot chrome on chair in gym remembered at car went back.  she's sly.  remembered checked safeway wednesday freebie loaded college in out pick up.  thy.  

came main puzzled 'til 3:30 suddenly remembered wheel.  too late regular entered celebrity.  what fun.  i finally added gift cards to shopping cuff.  sitting by puzzle window hassock taken.  puzzles area have 4.  i feel like a queen sitting here amid people.  watching to my heart's content.  

home 6 pm made frozen meatloaf and bratwurst on bun.  both donuts for dessert.  HEAVEN.

lovely

brenda gave me birthday bananas and shared her brie b'fast i encouraged her to connect with kkup.  

most remarkable i found perfect diameter water bottle fits leaky favorite.  i love finding perfect for me.  i saved lunch served last 12:15.  i drove to good will senior day and birth but closed for remodel reopen next year.  eh i'll get eggs

main library i parked under lot airing swim suit towel.  puzzled and 2:30 resting from my toils.  toke thinks i'm smart.  she thinks i'm humble.  hah!!  if i were smart i'd be much better off.  i'm smart in figuring things out.  i can take extraneous information and reconfigure for a correct solution.  but yesterday when she mentioned getting dmv license renewal i didn't pick up on computer tutoring for practice.  rectified today.  and i'm rewarding myself with healing music.  

read 12/12 interview matt mc people mag and cried.  uvalde massacre 5/24 too many innocents dying from semi auto weapons.  ridiculous people have them.  we're not ukraine, yet.

resting main

paul gallico prolific creative writer.  i must research.  

24 wifi

maybe it's relative.  i think the world is messed up and bringing kids into it is child abuse because of my family.  most people only relate to their devices.  i see them walking sitting engrossed in their phones ignoring people around them like me with chrome but i look up observe.   sunny library has movie.  picked up b king chick fingers and fries.  checked citibank payment went through.  hurrah!!  finally.  driving to library check engine light went out.  beautiful day.  i puzzled and charged chrome borrowed mrs 'arris goes to paris  readers digest condensed book when i was kid.   

  

another rainy day check engine

gym 8:30 perfect.  light rain.  chase second half withdrawal i considered deposit mission decided monday.  10 am parked under main library garage opened windows to evaporate.  played puzzle finished and reclined with chrome 'til 2.  home i ate senior lunch leftovers and cooked brown rice and chick spring roll for dessert.

i watched Brian Wilson genius tribulations while i was dealing with betrayal and family tradition.  i realize everybody thinks the world stinks and ignores it focusing on personal pleasure.  i was trying to survive maybe everybody is just barely hanging on.  

the black sun spot on my left hand became a psoriatic hive and is fading.  and my arthritis is better in my left hand, i don't wake up crippled.  and my right thumb neuropathy is better too since hives.  i'm feeling lonely for the first in my life.  tormentors are gone.  

gym wifi only load pick up fri freebie

lucky's free crackers.  seniors i showered and played puzzle.  i wasn't hungry lunch ok with toke alex.  ron came late looking for someone to take care of him.  it ain't me babe.  joanie didn't show.  i decided to puzzle more since main only open 'til 2.  

as i was leaving i remembered i wanted free water sushi went college safeway.  and i remembered to deposit mission credit union.  home 3:30 i finally ate lunch.  i just wasn't hungry i think nicotine toxin release.  i considered main combo ready and felt resistance to pick up.  asking myself if i wait 'til 9th i'll have over xmas.  

i was worried psoriatic i'm nicotine detoxing this year after 2 years nicotine gum.  i coughed for 6 hours last night too tired to get up,

bartolo 2864

dropped off payment.  he was over at least twice yesterday left kaki on porch full of ants.  called 8:16 so i went. he says i've paid him 7 when at least 8 hours.  $70/mo =2 hours.

my bag in locker still wore new pants rainy.  light mist until 10.

seniors no toke alex diane.  fish vera cruz good.  on to main library new puzzle rest and relax listening to healing.  rain paused 4 pm as predicted 5 pm i'm done for today.  thank g j.

HEAVEN

my feet up main library lovely peace quiet.  i have ear buds if i want healing music.  i finished puzzle here job well done.  it's a beautiful day i entered safeway codes 4 more another gift card.  lovely lunch restful nurturing.  

last night i stayed sunny library 5:30 returned hot spot although many keeping loans since no fines.  city freezes loans account if overdue not sunny.  dinner i heated brn rice, patty, peas cauliflower.  nutella oatmeal so good i ate it all.  almonds this am i had toast leftover rice.  

safeway wednesday freebie 2.6 oz tuna ready sandwich.  so i drove to chase to use wifi impatient to load safeway parking lot wifi also.  then seniors shower puzzle workout.  

very satisfying.  packing car at central after finishing puzzle i left black mesh gym clothes bag in locker.  time for new clothes?  i don't feel sad and depressed.  i feel like celebrating.

learning to love myself

the hardest lesson when you've been taught by your family you don't matter you don't exist.  

doing what i want

first i have to determine what that is.  seniors i showered and puzzled sans brace solid 45 min.  my back so sore.  lunch lovely with toke, ron, joanie, alex.  then over to central to return movies and puzzle.  stopped dollar tree for frozen burgers chili instant brown rice.  i'm loving not cooking.  made instant cinnamon oatmeal slivered almonds for dessert.  i've never enjoyed cooking.  probably the punishment being 8 yrs old forced to cook and constantly being punished and criticized.  

life is a sine wave

i'm up.  i took out garbage 1 pm felt pretty good.  safeway free 6 oz olives so i went lucky gym then ecr to maria safeway.  i walked store and considered mini bear paws but opted for frozen peas cauliflower didn't just 4 u so clerk fixed it.  home 3 pm.  

i'm feeling dst.  my inner clock is thrown off.  i have to remember i've survived the pain before and i will again.  my right hip shoulder blades sinuses skull sore.  exhausting processing pain uses so much energy.

ok gym 2 then sunny library

i puzzled filled water charged chrome explored.  home 2 i wasn't hungry 'til i heated instant brown rice with burger and peas.  croissant for dessert then chips watching jamie cooking.  4 pm nap attack.  

i forgot how sick i was.  now i'm just tired and sleepy.  the family critic tries to distract me.

in bed eating b fast

turkey and stuffing wasabi almonds.  watching "kim's" my tv family.  i don't can't miss what i've never had.  they say the same things without the underlying meaness hatred.  they speak and act with love.  they get angry and sincerely regret.  

i'm doing due diligence shopping free nitro lucky's.

i'm longing for the days i could bounce out of bed without the extended stretching just to be able to move.  everything is so sore.  

best ever.

making the best thnxgiving ever

woke watched my tv family.  found "kim's convenience" 3 & 4.  requested 2 & 5.  sunny had complete new ordered but only actually season 1.  

2:30 home.  best thanks giving ever!!  10 am gym very busy parking crowded.  took my time dollar tree 2 cool whip for lunch.  walter waved me over at first presbyterian terrific lunch.  kathy from seniors no flora must be with her family.  fabulous food.  made me laugh they kept finding food they forgot in the kitchen.  baby peas carrots honey baked spiral cut ham.  turkey gravy mash wild rice stuffing sweet corn salad rolls butter.   wonderful desserts pumpkin apple pecan brownies 3 cranberries heavenly.  

tired and back hurting walter reminded close to st clare and college safeway.  saw alex and ron and joanie a couple.  he was panicking gave him first church diections 3 times.  he thinks i'm his jealous mother.  i find it amusing he thinks i care.  got p'nuts and cheese last day on sale.  

i'm ready for nap.  too excited.  best holiday ever.  back is manageable lots of good food for today and tomorrow.  

shoulder blades

must be directly connected to heart.  i'm sighing a lot.  releasing the past the pain.  never having loving parents creates a hole that people fill with drugs alcohol food sex anything to avoid feeling the emptiness trying to feel whole.  

doctors must make treatment more fun, make people want to go.  

i feel so weird like i have bubbles in my body.  i did what i want all day.  morning i went to seniors 9:30 for holiday lunch.  showered and puzzled.  sat round table regular seating blocked.  ugly plastic plug in turkey couldn't use regular plug to charge computer which i left in car anyway.  gloria pointed out extra electical so i retreived chrome from car for music.  sweet.  best holiday lunch yet with my favorite peeps.  

what a difference

 my back is better.  

i've never been apoligized to before.  i didn't know how to reacr i was stunned.  yesterday when a priviledged white woman put 2 suits in the spinner and had trouble i mentioned sign said 1 suit at a time she answered "i know".   i replied "must be nice not to care you break it and ruin it for everyone.  she apologized to me.  no one has ever apologized to me and meant it.  

deja vu

i'm in excruciating pain.  again.  i can barely get out of bed again.  i may have to use a cane again.  good i only have mon tu we this week.  i can baby myself.  3 days doable.  i have frozen lasangna for thanksgiving if i can't get around..

37 o could be contributing to my bdy issues.  dry cold.  it won't get warmer 'till 10.  oh what to do.  could be the tiny bit of nicotine taken for the anxiety and fear.  i'm only feeling excruciating pain no fear or anxiety.  i'll take willow kava turmeric and passionflower.  wait for it to work.

today was ok.  back settled down 2 pm i went main and sunny pick up i can rest tomorrow.

back is better.

open for business

not ready.  good i don't need to be.  i just want to sleep.  depressedor tired.  or both.  

i taste tested 3 coconot waters.  i've been wanting to and didn't always distractions.  i prefer without fruit or added vitamins tasted weird.  

i'm still in a critical mindset of forcing myself r/t allowing.  i don't want anything from sunny book sale.  swim maybe nice $ tree.  or i can luxuriate in bed all day.  i'm slowly emptying trunk loaded after eric insecurity.  made me fel safe.  like i could run away from my sad life.

i want to do something.  took me half hour maneuvering my feet to clip toes my arthritis so stiff.  and now what?  i could enjoy swimming.  i don't feel drawn to sunny book sale.  ooh, i do like good a puzzle.  

dozing memories of lying bedridden starving hungry and everything making me violently ill even water.  heart palpitations from dehydration hooked up to saline drip for hours drinking emetrol.  i have to go through to get beyond.  all from back injury.

i'm feeling calmer

i've been rewatching new copy of 2018 "reinventing rosealee" one year after eric died i was still in shock having gone through 5 years of different cancers with him.  she was 101.  online update i found she died dec 14, 2019 after seeing trump.  ironic.  despite eating i feel horrible.  lillian's inside edition interview so sad tragic avoidable.  some trips aren't worth it.  

41 degrees out i'm blessed i can wait for weather warm up.  i'm generally listening to healing.

3 days in a row pch horoscope the same.  i must be in a loop.

charged my phone couldn't remove silver alert called re management calls MIKAL said scam calls ignore.  tried again to remove alert.  managed to delete.

11:30 57degrees ready to move.  toke left doz. croissamts porch.  lucky gym then st justin drove through home one bag $20 gift card.  then mail cathy sent 4 masks from hawaii.  i waited called her 8:30.  

10:30 am senior women's locker

still feeling sad and depressed.  at this point it may be residual or habit.  mu eyes are burning.  me or the environment?  might be smoky or pollen dust mold.  i'm allergic to all.  i can take herb.

call me mellow yellow

 

the other frank t

eric and steph got engaged wed 3/11/98 and the next day eric's dad was killed outside togami auoto repair willow glen by a drunk driver.  fr 3/13/98 steph called asking me to sit koden and 58 yrs old i didn't know what that was having been ostracized by my family my entire life.  for six months they went to frank's murder trial eric a witness rode in the ambulance.  i couldn't process any of it too busy keeping it together my dad died the next year.  i had no one it's bubbling up now.  i thought i had it handled.  it was suppressed.  

god knows i want a smoke.  carlos reset the light i gave him the hot sauce.

weird energy.  i made micro popcorn and the pyrex lid exploded.  the pie plate all over again.

lunch was good.

i was missing toke picked up neice san jose airport and she showed up on time hurrah!  ron alex toke heaven.  introduced joanie to ron she likes him he likes her.  excellent.   ron took alex's spot.  maybe he'll sit with joanie.  

after lunch i went up to puzzle.  resisted calling carlos check engine light.  i didn't realize how much i was missing eric.  we always did at least 2 karaoke shows a week during the holidays.  i was crying doing the puzzle processing my sadness.  carlos said tomorrow morning.  gives me time to compose and process.  i resented him at first huh.  that's new.  

what a day

put out garbage and recycle.  checked out homeless mower flimsy.  sleeping in parking lot.  gym3 swam 8 am lovely.  forgot slippers ok.  seniors spun suit and puzzled b4 and after lunch.  lovely alex and toke.  3 pm $tore 1 burger left 2 chick egg roll dinner with senior salad tterrific.  

got jury duty notice i'm exempt 70 ceiling.  bed 8 pm not interested in tv.  too sleepy.

safeway gameon no yahoo sfymail

8 pm watching celebrity jeopardy then wheel.  it's been a struggle staying awake.  this week feeling so tired.  i've been asleep by 9:30 latest exhausted.  

grandma fixations

men have mother or grandmother fixations i've come into my time.  i think my arthritis physically directed me to a calmer thoughtful life.  or i could be full of it.  whatever it might be.

i forgot about church.  10 am they must be starting.  so next week if i remember gym, church sunny library book sale.  'any day now' on i choose not to watch, wow.  relaxing my back.

vacation

the rest of my life.  whatever life i have is permanent vacation.  i picked up free p'nuts, trident gum 785 safe way continued on to 150 clearance olive and corn breads, lemon coconut cookies.  gym leisurely swim.  met jakob 63 east indian christian.  shared senior center.  he works s clara apple lives campbell.  from there sunny library puzzle 'til 6 close.  home soup bread.  bed 9:30.  most excellent day.

i didn't eat lunch and i didn't miss it.

been awake 2 hours.

so it's really 6:21.  i warmed up lunch leftovers.  so bland i added balsamic chicken i cooked with dry curry.  tasty.  i love cooking whimsically.

gym busy lunchtime.  i dropped slipper and walked back to car clerk had it in back.  weird.  

sunny library open returned and borrowed new series 'delicious' dawn french.  still feel tired better after soaked in tub.  

dinner can green pea soup 2 toasts.  

pot movie 'dough'

i'd forgotten the underlying sense of anxiety.  actually i wasn't aware of it at all.  ex was the complete package.  all my family fears in one.  

time for b'fast.  egg spinach cheese burrito enough for 4.  ate 1 took to seniors.  luch low sugar feeling sick ate another.  2 pm puzzle Walter showed up with minnie support chicken.  i ate another gave him one.  ron at lunch quoted rabindranath tagore"god respects me when i work but he loves me when i sing".  probably the only 2 in the seniors to know that. 

keep forgetting

i don't own anything.  it's on loan.  i'm a conduit.  when i remember i'm not attached.

i almost forgot my swim suit seniors.  what a life.  safe way free wheat loaf.  i went college easy p easy.  stand front aisle.  whew! i'm feeling tired.  too much yesterday.  today i puzzled seniors 2 half hours.  i lost my shower comb yesterday.

24 wi-fi connect

sunny may have hot spot.  not yet.  was pouring rain.  no drought.  i'm parked lot.  in the pool i remembered seniors free swim.  cut short went didn't feel like dressing all over again so puzzled.  lunch good.  i'm so funny.  i was telling toke about my paddington bear hat.  i looked all over and went upstairs looking for it.  i left it on table as space saver.  i'm a maniac.  

so i checked my account and hot spot ready sunny i went.  puzzled to my heart's content home 3.  decided to pick avocados.   it's been rainy and windy and i don't want muddy avocados.  

my parents tried to make me a boy

it still hurts.  predators wound to better kill their prey.  i feel myself bleeding still from the wounds.  they weaken and cripple.  i wonder what i could have done and been.  reading about gender reveal reaction on tiktok.  more wounded crippled girls easy prey for predators.  that's why lazy parents cripple their kids boys and girls to make them perform.  SIGH.  easier to manipulate.  

i loaded free body armor drink safe way home stead.  after gym clearance 6/$2 do nuts and garlic baguette $2 and $20 change.  as i'm leaving a monk came in with all his worldly possesions.  he's american raised asian 35-40 shaved head immaculate wearing a red stanford tee.  speaks perfectly.  patrick call him henry.  filled b'fast large soup with hot clam chowder so i ended giving him my new perfect back pack i never used, $20, garlic bread.  same energy as eckhart tolle and thic nhat han.  i met and supported them too on their journeys.  i was sad to give up my perfect back pack he needed more than i.  if i can truly let it go i will leave a space for something even better to come into my life.  returned to car for new mask, sanitizer, wipes.

then family fall out feeling threatened doing good.  family threats criticisms.  telling me i'm stupid for doing good.  so i explained to toke asked her to tell me i'm ok.  she's wonderful.  she remembered sun day comics.  i forgot.  

i could go to sunny.  rainy cold.  

dst

i'm returning to simple and easy.  

to church?  two weeks 'til thanksgiving.  p a really did a number on my heart.  i'm not quite ready to trust again.

i'm excited

productive week.  i'm going to xmas craft fair first presbyterian 9-3.  took my time 9:30 Flora gave me big hug.  i told her free swim tues & thurs front desk told her classes only all full.  i found 4 books i wanted $3.  

stopped st just pantry sign up for holidays.  home i put away groceries ate waffle and strawberries had to nap.  awoke energized went to 24 Alex working will be transferring to Soquel.  dinner i opened princess chicken soup with salad.  ice cream dessert.  i found yogurt and toke's crackers.  

mellow fry day

loaded freebie yogurt drink.  so cold 45 o waited 'til 9.  swam then seniors.  lunch good company alex and toke so mellow.  walter came by i wanted to go puzzle at main.  great parking 1 pm puzzle trashed picked up new chrome zero charge sunny has hot spot.  my connection is covered for 3 weeks.  then safeway eggs and sushi for dinner.    

ooh, 'young rock' sea 3- eps 1 tonight.  i'll try watching again.  eh, if too many commercials i can borrow later.  i nuked and toasted chicken spring rolls for dessert.   

i'm hungry

heated rice beans chicken mole leftover lunch.  better than first time.  Danny's recycle no room in trunk and senior bookmobile 10 am.  pools great.  forgot suit in shower.  Parmesan chicken good.  salad creative lettuce beans beets i picked out diced peppers.   no toke finished early called star one with ira numbers and planned signing papers at s creek blvd.  first i went walmart checked water and gum none.  passing citi bank stopped closed paid bill atm.  signed forms finalized distribution 9/5/2023.  dad's death day.  

feeling successful $tore dinners and ice cream treat.  dropped off avocados oranges to toke.  

home tired hungry made bean burritos napped.  very productive week.

$70 to bart

expire today eh i'll get more.  i loaded free safeway tribe feta dip.  picked up @ home stead.  7 am i looked backyard to check wooden ladder and bart working barely light.  i paid him and gym was wonderful.  

mission cu deposit 133 water in metal bottle didn't want Halloween candy or coffee tea.  

11 am seniors missing suit.  oh well.  listened to healing.  after lunch puzzled a little.  driving i detoured to rite aid to get appointment and instead got my flu and booster.  easy peas y.  going to patelco to finalize ira transfer statement numbers my cdl was missing.  backtracked to rite aid finally found it in shot room.  patelco called ira division didn't want to look up numbers.  wanted me to go to my financial advisor i don't have.  finally gave me numbers.  they NEVER sent me any statements.  lack of disclosure and cooperation not good.  

24 hour picked up my suit and searched lucky's found vitamin gum.  home very tired ate chips cheese toast napped.  coupons expire nob hill i want to support just feeling tired.  maybe the shots.  i went used 4 coupons an hour walking the store i treated myself raspberry parfait.

i figured it out finally

i'm happy.  a certain type of man sees i'm happy and wants to take credit for my happiness.  that's why they start demanding changes.  i don't need a smart phone, or face book, or a man telling me what i need.

gym was great.  dollar tree i bought small olive oil for teeth brushing.  i love how it feels.  i swam at seniors and warm tub massage.  i was energized.  after lunch i puzzled 'til 2 then to chase withdrew.  remembered safeway soup, bread sale ends.  no vibes gum.  picked up holds at main distracted i stayed 'til 6:30 puzzle.  remembered eggs nob hill out bought boiled egg land free strawberries.  i may use other coupons tomorrow. 

i'm not ready

i misplaced phone.  i finally received cathy's card late mail.  i planned on calling late and forgot.  took into the bedroom.  thank god i found it.  no memory of it.

my phone caller id fry 5 pm gorges.  so i'm avoiding my phone.  my phone.  i'm afraid of my phone i'm not ready to date.  i'm feeling pressured.  i want to just float.  i can feel my self doubt and mistrust in my big belly.  my judgement is based on reacting to the family.  and tom was so the same.  where was i what was i doing.  

noon i tried calling Cathy card came late yesterday 8 pm i got distracted how i misplaced phone in bedroom.  front has witch riding broom cat sitting behind her says "i hate when she eats burritos."  inside says "hope your Halloween doesn't stink."  lol.  

wow i'm grateful.

 i have a peace filled calm life for the most part i love.  i dread listening to demands.  i'm avoiding the phone.  i'm afraid of disappointment.  

watching 2017 (the year eric died) movie joan and pauline collins.  the time of their lives.    so many of my buttons.  terrible reviews by ignorant critics without much life experience.  i saw it before still in death shock.  very cathartic today.  wanting life to be the best happiest possible.  my best life.

checked freebie none

picked up fruit and 8 am in car gorgis called demanding where was i.  not cool.  took my time checked freebie again nothing.  voice mail from cathy too early.  went to swim he waited at door.  parked first handicapped.  went in changed, showered he met me pool.  talked from edge an hour 'til his 9:30 meeting.  i showered checked freebie again teddy's soda.  4 pringles gave one to jessie and alex.  minute maid agua fresca not at safeway i wanted to try nothing like agua fresca.   

lunch i told gals in case he showed up.  first date in 40 years.  20 taking care of parents 20 recovering.  his uncool double ate alone.  freaky how similar.  got extra rice beans waiting with ron.  toke didn't receive shopping ads i had in lunch bag we read while last served.  i offered to teach online ads look up.  i wasn't hungry ate some pringles added corn flour yucky.  

faris han gorgis

came over started talking to me while i loaded my car.  i hung around to be polite and walter showed up so i could give him apricot wheat ale in trunk.  gorgi's fast.  reminds me of tom.

8:30 bedtime

i'm too tired to tolerate tv.  i picked up 'good karma #3' and puzzled 2 hours at sunny.  too sad.

ruh-oh feeling depressed-earth quakes 5.1-3.1 lunchtime

i changed the format.  no idea what i did.  or how.  or how to change it back.  i forgot chrome at home not missing it 'til seniors.  depressed i just do what i know.

i'm feeling so depressed.  nothing to do but confront and ride it out.  first time in my life i have nothing more important.  i've never felt more isolated and alone except ex marriage.  and mom's warning she'd kill me.  that's been coming back too.  

and---5:30 pm it changed back to comfortable format.  i watched jay leno trying so hard to give people money.  he's mellowed or i've mellowed or we've met somewhere in the middle.

i found voice mails from bank

still patelco.  i don't know.  

i'm feeling so depressed.  nothing has changed and yet i feel so immensely sad.  i just realized how i feel has nothing to do with today.  it's old sadness.  it's beatings i never deserved.  my shoulders and back have immense pain locked in the tissues.  i just want to die.  i've suffered too much pain.  the beatings locked into my body.  i feel sick.

everything hurts.  from 2 yr old pushed out the window onto the porch on my back.  kind of a miracle i survived my childhood or did i.  sister aiko claiming i fell.  i always gave her a pass knowing mom abused her.  i saw mom beating her often.  

i feel like sobbing.  i haven't felt this depressed for a long time.  maybe because it's mitzi's b month.  maybe just part of healing the tragedy that is my life at this point.  

i called bart per note he left with tokes croissants on porch.  he didn't remember note.  

watching 'young rock'

i knew i'd like it w/o commercials.  bookmobile had it.  

october is horror month.  i never accepted the evil.  i'm re living the 8 years in bed without the vomiting and agonizing pain.  i lived on vicodin when i could keep it down.  i went to emergency twice after 3 days dehydrated knowing i didn't want to passive suicide.  bad karma.  i'm watching the storehouse of movies.  

i'm looking forward to celebrity shows 8-10.  my forehead skull is so sore.  my eyes blurry my back feet good.  go figure.

best b'fast 10/22/22 sat

i made cheese toast roast pork so delicious.  can't believe how good.  best $5 i spent nob hill.  woke 4 i could have swam decided to do a little and rest.  

i keep having to consciously relax my shoulders and back.  exhausting.  no wonder i'm always tired takes a lot of energy keeping muscles that tense.   

so tired sore

i loaded lucky's freebies listening to healing.  i can drag others forward with me in my heaven.  my friends have to be in heaven too or they leave my life.

my body continues to evolve.   finished puzzle before lunch.  half done since morning.  elves.  after lunch decided pick up sunny 'good karma hospital'.  puzzled map of world 4 hours.  physically tired mentally refreshed i checked safeway loaded free snapple elements rain drink bought clearance rice dish $3.99 frozen broccoli spears $1.18.  coupon didn't register i went to customer service she gave me not 50% clearance but entire $4 for overcharge.  how about that.

woke to loveliest dream

my own true love and i watching tv on the couch wrapped in a cozy blanket.  heaven.

played puzzle after paying discover.  lunch and more puzzle.  walter came by with 'mini' bantam hen he found.  he also has pigeons.  we talked 'til 3:30.  ha ha.  kicked us out.  remembered i had to pay pge looked for volcano water jessica at 24 hr recommended none.  am tires checked all tires 29 psi low topped to 35 and home.  disappointed.

best ever

found necklace parking at gym last space.  changing my routine too.  i swim then soak stretch in tub.  works better.  new puzzle of national parks at seniors.  89 o i stayed 'til 3 home rest relax washed necklace.   

hey, i'm retired every day can be fun day

my neck back and shoulders are realigning.  so sore with sores.  that;s the exhaustion.  i keep forgetting the strain on the body healing damage clearing toxins.  extra sleep rest.

bart trimming persimmon.  he already harvested kiwi.  he's lucked into a garden.  

napped rested my back 2 hours.

swimming was just like always

7 am bart was in backyard.  he put out  green bins yesterday.  i showed him city pamphlet received last week on bins.  he mixed things in bins and dirt in green.  no no.  i took back water shut off key until he needs it.  i still have to point out old hose sprayer he wants to charge me for new.  

i'm becoming the lily of the field toiling not neither do i spin.  no wonder i'm so sleepy.

cheese toasts toaster oven heavenly

it's what i wanted.  heaven is what i want when i want.  eating in bed feeling good..  just had idea of adding tomato sauce for parmesan like.  

going to bed 7:30 last night i'm well rested for a change and my body aches in different places.  i woke thinking it was moon day grind when actually sun day fun day.  i'm used to pushing through the pain and feeling exhausted.  also healing uses a lot of energy regenerating cells.  

i think this is the same chrome combo i turned in 2 days ago.  it has an analog calendar so i can plan better.  

9:40 dozing digesting listening to healing feel relaxed.  watched half of 'any day now' baked jiffy corn bread.  sprayed canola in corning.  puck oven perfect.  added diced tomatoes to canned chili tastes just like mom's.  i'm feeling sinfully happy.  

flashback to 8 years confined to bed.  now i appreciate the rest.

excellent feeling so blessed

went leisurely swim.  stopped st just drop off extra groceries.  sign thrift shop open 10 like library first priority.  parked shade found 2/$1 movies outside cash only.  inside went upstairs considered reading newspaper.  looked up map to fire station open house.  puzzled for 3 hours enjoying every second despite back legs stomach screaming.  decided home first checked thrift nothing suddenly $tree dinner dessert snacks.  ate butter pecan ice cream first.

library heaven

doing what i want.  turned in combo last minute came home.  bart no action on faucet.  

6 am loaded free alkaline water and trail mix @ lucky's 7 am picked up then swam.  i have to remember to be aware.  my addictive self can easily get carried away.  

i asked ron if he was called sweet baby.  he said no and yesterday he had car trouble and walking missed lunch.  i told all 3 lunches reward waiting for ron no show.  

so relaxed 9/32 water key.

bart showed up 7:30 am.  i gave him water key to fix leak re emphasizing the faucet is my dad's invention for my mom to get drinking water too weak to wind hose on it.  he said he understood but i got home 1:30 nothing done just yard work.  

swim great lunch 3 servings h had so much left.  i stayed waited for ron no show.  that's how he ends on stand by.  and i have 3 servings of vera cruz fish.

so relaxed

swam, lunched, went main to pick up spot.  stayed 1-5 puzzle table album covers from my life.  my back and feet hurt worth it.   put battery in scooby do pocket watch works great.  

i called kathy addiego at pat never received page 2 computer auto reply nonsense.  i got fax number called lina at star she's resubmitting request.  we'll see.  

heated chicken cooked beets.  forgot alex lettuce cooked froze broccoli.  so good teriyaki.  

playing puzzle

paid city.  reviewed star one.  taking care of business.  and i'm bored tired.  this planet is ......

wearing me down.  grinding?  polishing?  

3 weeks retirement.  called star will call pat tomorrow.  the old me felt obliged to do, do, do.

resting-Bart

left receipts for hose $18.20 and cut guava avocado trees over garage.  i have 2 hoses in garage.

washed de labeled clothes gerde gave me.  kept some blouses give away rest in 24 hour backpack.  

paddled pool half hour.  home used browning to heat chicken drained beet juice into yucky energy drink now delicious.  added balsamic to salty beets delicious.  

i'm so disappointed bart wrapped hose in back side yard on spigot too heavy leaking.  when it rained he wanted it to leak next to the downspout.

looking for little mermaid 2

 exactly one year dad died.  huh.  back to the sea.

bart came by 11:30 another hour.  i reminded him NO watering.  he wants me to pay for hose fix and hanger.  no brace i told him to submit through mail slot.  back not good stomach hurting.  he must be bored out of his mind.  

fell asleep watching concentration and woke remembering to cook st just chicken.  5 lbs mostly bones skin fat 4 quarters i cut apart.  half in oven half micro.  i'm reorganizing kitchen garbage.  i'm amazed i can move at all.  this morning so much pain stiffness, 3:30 better.  took willow and kava.  boned chicken made skin crackling.  cleaned. folding dry clothes.

good day of rest.  sewed repaired remodeled.  

considering pondering

awake since 4 i'm thinking of what i want to do.  i loaded wash into car in case.  left roll-y home.  windows open for the cool.  60 o.  

7:46 am daily word adventure.  so here i sit harris lass house for flea market.  also good day to pay citibank.  found misc freebies and gold looking ring $3.  lots and lots to look at.  took my time.  talked to very unique people.  paid citi drove .1 to lucky's walked store.  i realized i had  no idea where laundry just drove here 10 just as getting busy and warm.  

suddenly decided st just pantry pick up.  car full with donations, wash saw sign yearly rummage high school church walked 2 hours $20.  8 movies, 3 bags, jewelry, sewing notions.  not even hungry home 1 pm put away pantry food, hung laundry, nuked frozen patty, cauliflower, opened salty organic diced pickled beets package.  dessert angel cake blueberries.   feeling stiff sore accomplished huge amount.

egg cheese sandwich

almost forgot supplements.  getting so emotionally relaxed.  muscles are still tight.  i have to consciously relax them when i catch myself.

rested after lunch with puzzle.  i'm feeling sad missing my sisters.  yesterday nit's 67 b'day.  i miss who i thought they were.  i always hoped some day they'd have my back but they used mom and dad like they used me.  all they care about is money.  

my eyes are burning from smog.  i napped an hour even after drinking oxygen.  i was feeling nausea.  

so much fun

i'm goofing off.  my inner child is so happy.  i'm puzzling this morning and after lunch.  i'm so glad tomorrow tgif.  today i forgot to wear brace picking up fruit and got into car my back hurt i remembered.  went back in house.  puzzled before and after lunch.  

during lunch diana price asked me to order tennis she saw abc 7 sale.  between 3 after gloria advice we successfully ordered.  whew so intense.  

came home @ 3 bart added hose hanger after i told him no watering.

new aches pains

i feel a little more flexible.  i nuked 2 eggs topped with smoked gouda for b'fast.  i'm back in bed digesting.  healing only happens in relaxed tissues.  that's what sleep and comas are about.  

i stood around talking to bart sans back brace a mistake i'm acknowledging now.  couldn't sleep too tired to realize.  

bart came by 3:30

worked + 3 hrs today. i paid him 2 hrs from 14-2+3=15 hours current total.  he bought white 97 toy pick up as opposed to red 94.  

i'm listening to healing all day.  started 6 am, while puzzling seniors and all afternoon.  now i'm listening to 3 at once.  the family droned on in the background of my life for my entire life.

2 miracles

after gym i withdrew chase and since i was there i checked safeway clearance and found free coke coffee.  deposited mission c u then feeling lucky i decided to check college safeway i found free popcorn.  noticed right front hubcap missing.  safeway website listed 28 items missing not the freebies.  i finally realize everything i've ever purchased is tracked.  

so i got to seniors 11 and wrote out checks and cash for bartolo.  lunch with toke and alex good.  backtracked searching for hubcap none.  ended at library to pick up requests came home.  i'm loving my life.  never thought i'd feel this.

i'm so afraid of making a mistake

mom always threatened to kill me.  a lifetime of fear in my body.  beginning of month blues.  and everything was my fault.  good things i did was labeled luck no matter how hard i worked.  

gym sunny library returned all. 2:30 cooled perfect temp safeway free popcorn coke coffee gone bought bread, clearance angel cake, 4 almonds, checked dollar hagen dagz no flavors i wanted went sunny dollar butter pecan, beef bean burritos, frozen dinner, fries, popcorn, 3 clearance laundry bags 1 pair skeleton arms.  checked maria safeway clearance corn bread.  

'any day now'

school shooting when prey becomes the predator.  1980 is still with us.   

people are raised to be predators and prey not human beings.  

capitalism gives them license to do whatever they want for profit the almighty dollar the god greed.

i don't understand how people don't acknowledge violence hurts everyone.  i feel actual physical pain witnessing violence.  i'm sure everyone is damaged whether consciously aware or not.

i considered doing my banking, laundry, watching city parade of champions but my back too unstable.i'm resting.  i finally cooked spaghetti with can chicken diced tomatoes.  b'fast was a can of vienna sausages just what i wanted.   funny how delicious life is when i get what i want when i want it.  and snack was green peas ranch dressing raw sunflower seeds and savory almonds.

free yogurt

so dark out.  i loaded freebie but so dark i'll wait.  at some point i want to harvest avocados.  

watched my games and 'dragnet'.  i like the no nonsense reality.  

disturbing dream

 8-9 yr old boy scavenging sticks=firewood and potato peelings to rinse and cook in war zone.  i can pray for peace and send love.  i think that's what elders are supposed to do.  too many have prayed for violence and excitement for too long.  every thought is a prayer of electrical energy a request to the neutral engine of creation.

Bart filled 2 extra bins from next door and let me know 14 hours currently.   his truck totaled Monday hit on Monroe his back rattled.  he's using his sedan to transport tools.  i promised to pay him $70 Monday.  he wanted more i specified i could only afford $70/ month without hardship taking money from somewhere else.   i suggested church prayer focused electrical energy for bigger better truck and health improvement.  

olive oil

i started brushing my teeth with it after two articles online.  i love the way it feels.  i feel more relaxed.  i brush after every meal and snack it feels so good like a massage.  

what a fabulous day!  toke brought me calendars, cards, stickers.  bridget came out as i drove in 11:10 from goodwill parking space #1.  dollar tree i bought 10 Libby sausage, 5 xmas jewel pen, 2 jerky.  GW found my winter gym bag $8, 2 unusual tops 7 each.  i'm wearing one so comfortable stretchy.

i can listen to 2 healing at the same time opening separate pages.  woo hoo!

do nothing 2 #1853

i'm catching up on west side story, crawdads sing, eternal s.  i'm being the best i know.  such bummers.  happiness is hard.  so much is a rehash of unhappiness there's few examples of happiness.

i thought i caused the electric cord short but it was the angle of plug while charging.  phew. 

made spaghetti with cream cheese and sauce.  so delicious to eat what i want.

dress rehearsal

i dressed to fill car 6 am cost co decided tomorrow 7 is better.  i'm cooling down the house.  yesterday was 92 o i stayed playing on the puzzle 'til 3.  today is my day of rest.  fun day before sun day.

so many useless things on samsung chrome.  a dark theme i don't know why or if i like it.  i'll try it.  didn't like it.  

cooked taters eggs avocado burritos, chef boyardi chick tamales.  

       

tired

a lot accomplished this week.  probably tired from the pint of ice cream.  so worth it.  next week meet new doc.  i do have goals.  little manageable ones.

i went to gym late 8 and saw judy from seniors on my way out.  i puzzled after lunch.  the homeless black b had her things all over the puzzle table morning and left puzzle a mess.  

i rested and stretched.

heaven

i paddled the pool thinking how perfect.  if hot the lap pool.  if cold the hot tub or steam room or sauna.  i played for an hour.  gravity was unkind.  seniors i puzzled, bookmobile i felt complete didn't need anything.  lunch ok i puzzled some more 'til 3 movin' and groovin'.  then mission library picked up combo needed charging gamed desktop.  went to college safeway nothing i decided dollar tree.  hamburger patties, tater tots, beef ravioli, vienna sausages, little cans of jellied cranberry, spaghetti sauce, flour tortilla, pint of butter pecan ice cream.  most i ever spent.  

home i'm watching 'designing women' and 'becker'.  

am tire

i spent the entire after lunch puzzling.  then at mission library i checked disc and city online recycle survey.  if i'd checked my e mail i could pick up combo.  tire went smoothly.  home back roads relaxing.

truc, anh, anh

vietnamese father, son, mother autistic boy fast becoming a teen.  i gave him temple g book 'thinking in pictures.'  the resources at back best part.  anh means brother.  truc = bamboo, straight.

seniors very smoky i'm feeling tired.  24 hour is good air.  

amazing

life continues to surprise me.  d e asked me who's in charge of senior center then turns to white man Ron to verify.  he says Jess is in charge.  after going round and round they conclude Jess is in charge of lunch and Jen the center.  now did she do it to engage white penis or have a real question or just intend to insult me?  i'll let it go and wait for clarity.  

bart v was here said 3 hours.  only one half bins.  usually one bin per hour.  

i don't know what i'm feeling

one step at a time.  made it to sunny just b 4 rain.  20 minutes 'til noon open book sale i'm getting excited how silly am i.  i planned on gym but too much fruit to pick up.  

23 movies, actually more some are double and triple.  used the reading coupon zero cost.  2 pm i want to go home.  darryl sc main library retired computer room tech here.  safeway checked clearance nothing.  rained harder came home checked out bethel church fair rained out.  

i took forgotten supplements and feeling great.  bed 6 pm.  

a proper do nothing day

i decided.  my legs and hips hurting.  i put on yoga pants back in bed after spaghetti sandwich for b'fast.  and brushed my teeth.  my ribbed underwear make me so itchy.  enough of that back to healing music relaxing.  ah, i so deserve this.  and the 3 pieces of trudy's bundt sponge cake.  chocolate sour cream frosting.  i'm  going to try with plain yogurt.  

wow, crashed and i don't care.  i just recovered settings.  enjoying watching tv comedies 'godfrey', 'hopscotch', etc.  

looking for 'death at a funeral' sunny has book sale tomorrow.  the remake and the original put the fun in funeral.

i'm trying to get through 175 emails.  3 days now.  

nuked frozen diced chicken 15 min 30% and broccoli 10 @ 20%.

picked up free silk oat milk

6 am loaded freebie.  space #1 gym.  picked up free bought arugula used expiring reward.  worked out took home grocery.  now i'm sitting senior parking so relaxed i could sleep, time to bike and recharge.  talking things over with trudy i realize ive replaced my sisters.  they're fired.  i have toke and trudy.  funny 'cause one married one single.  

no idea what i did but the tabs are on call only so the screen size is bigger

if i knew what i'm doing and how i'd probably be dangerous. 

gym was great.  i paid target and charged shower sandals and crunchy pb.  senior gym and lunch.  bookmobile i gave code 3 bags avocados, 1 oranges apple.  5 new movies.  toke bought me 5 oxi water from west gate bevmo.  she delivered and left b4 i got to door. 

ok crash and reset back to normal.

2864 augusta ct i'm resisting

i know it.  i'm aware.  i'm normal resisting.  i'm abnormal i'm aware i'm resisting.  feels weird.  i couldn't sleep.  that's normal experiencing change too.  

i asked front desk since no senior center gym attendant jennifer told me she decided twice not to change the tv channel so the blood and guts programs are stuck until an attendant changes them.  i'd rather not program my brain's auto pilot with violence that makes me want to chop someone up.  i support her gets her violent bloody gory life.  i guess that's what happens.  i have to bring my library books to read.  i finally tried ellen de book too stupid not clever or funny.

and they stopped setting the back table for lunch.  i moved table settings so i can charge and listen to healing.  it's funny the room was full they had to add settings.

bed 8 pm last night

too tired.  better tonight 8:30 pm.  bart showed up 7 am just as i was leaving for gym.  good day.  toke very tired too.  maybe the air pollution.  diana complaining of allergies.

beautiful day

bart showed up.  when i got home the entire front yard was cleared.  took 4 hours.  2 months budget.

taking my time 911

made 3 chicken arugula croissants b'fast lunch and dinner.  i watched my 'any day now' and then the gym lovely cool.  i got to library 5 minutes b 4 open.  picked up hot spot charged with chrome.  loaded safe way flash sale 2 pm already gone bought wasabi almonds drove to maria no $1.47 peanuts either.  nothing i wanted.  home.  good exercise walking store.  

i am as stupid as i look weird saturday

talked to gardener Bartolo Valadez $35 an hour as i was collecting wind fall fruit.  2 hours month i can afford.  he stopped and engaged me in conversation about cactus then asks to use water for fruit.  i don't know.  said he'd fill one green bin monday.  we'll see.

very weird day.  i drive towards gym Lawrence cops blocked off intersection.  8:30 already i decide to go st just change my mind at ecr proceed to gym.  showers appear full.  white woman irritates me empty shower with towel.  i wait for next available.  i am as stupid as i look.

9:30 st just jumble sale more flea market i bought $1 turtle magnet.  i'm satisfied.  did everything i set out to do.  i made 2 avocado egg, 1 banana croissant for lunch with chips.  st just had $2 do nut coffee didn't sound good.  

home 2:30 when library closed 80 o.  my requests available 21 items checked out. 

staying cool no freebie

lucky's.  checking 1 pm says 7:45 am 20 oz coke dreamworld added but i don't believe it.  i left to watch 'any day' at 9:30.  now i'm at main cooling in redwood room 1 pm.  admission day holiday city closed.  

found free dreamboat coke 20 oz.  went saratoga 5:45 lucky's bought arugula.  forgot free sushi water safeway oh, well such is life.

stayed in cool pool 'til 9:30

too hot.  says  83 o feels way hotter.  i stayed in pool 82 o 'til 9:30.

woo hoo!  got bumped from regular round table sitting in back charging and blogging.  waved alex over gave me green salad then toke.  she chose to sit across from me at picnic not round.  too hot i ate mash sandwich.   lee so funny.  didn't see him 'til after 12 waved and he looks behind him.  he brought over his apple and milk.  

main 1 favorite parking and relaxing upstairs feet up on poof.  i have burritos and lunch.  

survived another year

dad's last week i was literally dying.  no sleep, dragging him around, trying to work independent contractor, suicide watch on mom.

no wonder i feel exhausted.  fighting off my sisters since hasn't left me time to recover.

typical i'm sitting outside waiting for noon open cooling station not open 12:30.  i'm sure to get my preferred sitting spot.  i announced in general if i died of stroke or hear attack in heat to sue on my behalf.  black guard that yelled at me yesterday sucking up to stinky man sans father from senior center.  could smell them from 25 feet away.  wore funny beanies.

senior center crash

lost my post.  gym was great when i left 8 am only one in pools.  $tore 2 chips 1 turmeric 15 caps for inflammation pain.  good for brain.  also hanging out in cold library.  frustrating cooling center they opened library 1 pm rather than just one room but didn't mention.  so i'm looking for entrance no note nothing expecting mind reading.  found parking lot plastic crystal drop.  didn't want to park illegally.  

i stayed seniors 12:30 to stay cool Hilda gave me 4 extra fish and 1 complete meal.  so i have them over air condition vent.  my body is reacting like dad's final days.  

4 pm 108 o.  sitting library cafe tables.  ate 3 fish and broccoli.  breading counts as carbs.  people still coming into library.  6:30 people still coming.  tomorrow open noon to 7.  i'm using wet suit for cooling.  6:30 car says still 99 o online weather forecast says 104 o.  after all day guard commented on elevated legs.  time to move.

forgot to open

4 pm main cooling.  96 o and i'm ok except i woke with black floater in my eye that has me concerned.  directly in center right eye where sv eye dr found problem spot 2 yrs ago computer touched my eye.

moon day 9/5 dad's 23rd death day.  i believe i combined eric with dad.  if either one of them ever learned to do right i'd feel better.  a good death is earned.  dying is as important as living.

just occurred to me i wouldn't have bought a chrome myself.  having my own is convenient.  

102 o.  back to gym 5 pm.  

i think i'm ok despite dad's ptsd

i'll find out tonight.  i'm home relaxing after returning combo to mission library.  talked to bee.  gave her senior oranges.  book mobile cancelled by seniors center yesterday just weird.  nothing happened yesterday.  code is sick.  needed the rest.

i picked up freebie draft latte then spa my feet excruciating.  nerves back alive.  i'm focusing on my feet my foundation to health.  

even though the dell weighs more i actually prefer the flat keyboard.  and i prefer the shiny screen to non glare plastic. 

sat 9/3 watching 'any day' the suppressed feelings dredged up.  

yes!

gym is the best.  massaged my feet using spa jets 20 minutes so relaxing.  $tore then waited 20 minutes for chase to open 10 minutes to locate ira papers.  couldn't remember i'd put them in small purple binder organizer.  went through entire car.  inside atm rebooting after servicing.  straight to credit union deposit.  seniors no bookmobile no code.  gave everything to toke.  i was planning returning library mission tomorrow to use hot spot for fry freebie.  i can use bank free wifi next week seniors closed.

slowing my roll

heavenly listening to 2 count 'em 2 healing on samsung and dell chrome.  i'm feeling bliss.  i so deserve this. picked up fruit 12 minutes.  did my gyms found kohl charge card turned into desk.  dropped off post office life ins.  8:30 i pull up wait and 2 minutes #1 spot opens.  

listened to nurse mall rant and rave.  then they gossiped.  what a job.  i charged both chromes.  now dell keeps settings.  a mystery.  i don't trust sunny management.  nu stepped had lunch.  called star one set appointment next wed 10.  i'm so proud of myself.  

i'm listening to healing

i got to sleep 'til 4:30!  i got so relaxed just thinking about gym i picked up fruit and drove off leaving my lunch bag and half the recycles on the front porch.  dollar tree no seam rippers.  when i got to danny's i looked all over car and considered returning home, nah.  so much for being ok.  

came straight home.  going through storage a little at a time.  i need more rest to balance relaxation.   

so far perfect

woke 4 am watched game shows 5.  put out garbage and recycle cost co gas 6:30 then gym.  checked $tore for healthy snacks forgot to look for seam rippers.  tomorrow.  

oh yeah, baby

i'm more comfortable in my body.  yesterday rest and relaxation.  

tried on both camouflage found stretch pants so soft fit med.  lightweight warm.

i keep limiting myself to going library hours when i don't need to go there at all.  i'm free to go whenever i want or not.

i can go fill gas or go gym 6 pm or not.  toke came by dropped off kimpira from nijiya market supposed to be healthy full of msg.

chrome ran down to 8% and shut off.  oh, well.  i'm back.  format is weird.

up and about since 4:40 am

doing what i want.  i kept smelling salonpas.  menthol vicks smell.  i thought it was from laundry but it travels.  i folded and put everything away.  my back shoulders good all i did.  new brace great.  

hit wrong button starting over.

informal exercise today i'm feeling exhausted could be diet.  oh my neck is so sore.  feels so good to just let go.

lucky laundry sitting

6-9:30 doesn't say what days.  drove around back door still dead bolt i don't feel like opening.  i parked out front at least level so no run away carts.  i've done that before.  i prefer 2 doors and front load machines are easier on back.  no bending over.  and ledge to charge laptop and hot spot.

3 load machine price same as 2.  i love no schedule.  

i'm still recovering from brother eric 2017 death.  it's all jumbled with family mess.  too pain filled.  i chose him.  maybe i shouldn't have let him overcharge me and under pay me.  i suppose it made his drugs and alcohol easier.

home hung laundry and rested loving back brace.

eggs, eggs,eggs

i made faux eggs for b'fast 5 am.  gym 3 relaxing swim.  bought chickpea snack target by 8:30 i was hungry Panera bacon souffle i ate before puzzling upstairs.  packed for senior gym i checked bookmobile no cody.  and lunch tiny 1 egg cheese omelet.  

i 'm feeling wired.  better than feeling weird.  i'm carefully assessing my options.  guarding my back.

like a baby i woke every 2 hours

i like my routine.  i went to gym and soaked massaged feet.  healing only happens relaxed.  20 years of muscles locked no change.  seniors reassuring.  a sense of security i've never had.  strange and new.  how did i manage i never had it i never missed it.

8:30 down time nothing on tv.

i got to sleep 'til 5

delicious reading about myrtle fillmore she scheduled rest time as an important part of spiritual growth.  what i've been missing. 

8:17 nothing on tv bedtime for be be.  rest and reflection.

i got to sleep 'til 4:30

watching my movies then gym shower wisdom tattoos are all about endorphin pain and addiction.  life is painful enough for me with bumps and bruises.  i'm amazed at the ink at the gym.  

without words i'm feeling

tv has always been my only family.  i picked up sorted a bucket of fruit, brought in water.  staying busy the opposite of depressed.  i'm enjoying the doing.  

huh, no library book sale today.  usually 2 days.  so i'm snacking target jerky waiting for open to return movies and spot sitting at table in shade.  how very lovely.  returned got receipt no problem unlike combo.  big 5 coupon $5 tried everything on 2 pair shoes.    decided to check out safeway and get cash to pay bills.  got wasabi almonds and 3 clearance juice.  then decided to go target such a lovely day bought 2 of a dozen raw sunflower seeds.  what a great day.  home i realized i left suit at gym 3.  paddled more.  

still processing the fact plastic poisoning 'cbs sunday morning' for the past 70 years since teflon invented.  and dow etc. knew they were poisoning the planet.  they were aware and put money above integrity.  the epitome of capitalism.

catch 22 city target doesn't have the sales so doesn't get merchandise so doesn't have sales.

awake since 4

i watched annie oakley while eating sushi toke brought me.  makes me wonder if city of oakley named for her.  toke goes out of her way to bring me sushi.  makes me want to cry.  no one has ever done as much for me.  

my body feels weirdly energized and depressed.  lovely cool 7:30.  windows open fans going.

i picked up fruit, washed car windows, put out cheese for crows.  we love doing feeling god energy coursing through our bodies.  respite from the aches and pains of living.  

watched 'any day now' then went st just picked up 9 eggs, chicken etc.  cooking potatoes carrots dollar patty so delicious.  with god going with the flow life is easy.  

6 am dark

lucky's freebie 100% juice.  forgot suit in car took a leisurely shower.  reorganized trunk avocados so much stuff.  nu stepped my hour watching 'any day now' with Trudy half hour releasing the past daily word forgiving.  i free myself.

i'm feeling sad angry picked on.  daily word forgive release past.  came home note on door from busybody next door fire hazard yard like i'd choose to live like this.  just like my sabotaging sisters.  always making trouble.  i was sharing with Trudy this morning nu stepping how mom dad ex all the same and leaving them behind.  i would love to leave this behind but the grand kids are afraid mom died in the bathroom.  well they never came to see her when alive she died of broken heart disappointed by their lies.  when dad alive they promised her home with them then reneged.  they always lied to mom.  i'm remembering them calling only when they wanted something.  always asking for favors never offering help.  i bless and pray for them.

i know neighbor wants trees.   avocado guava persimmon.  if not for my back i 'd be gone forever.

called Walmart order to Michael 22 minute call delivery tomorrow.  WOW!  left message for Raymond regarding back brace no equate only copper fit $30.  if he doesn't want it i'll try it.  

i thought of going to sunny didn't and toke came by with sushi 6:30.  i keep forgetting Big 5, target, return movies.  

7:40 still feeling upset.  the only way is through.  feeling some feelings suck.  

checked email 9:12.  4 of 6 Walmart order delivered 9 pm!!  i haven't stayed up this late all week and ta da!!

went to target to use card couldn't remember pin

called and reset easy.  letter gave me 3 months to use or cancel.  i tried buying jerky.  used discover.  i have to go to sunny for sunflower target personal shopper checked for me.  

i bought ice cream @ dollar tree.  spirit gave Philipina avocados and it's her birthday.  spirit always knows.  1 mile from gym 3.  

20 min at gym-3 hot tub jets massaging feet and calves.  pool cold 5 min to adapt then 10 relaxing.  they wave me through like a celebrity.

5 new bookmobile movies.  half dozen oranges avocados pears to Cody.  lunch just Alex and me.  back to dollar tree best day for parking.  4 frozen dinners, 2 patties for tortillas.

disc 346-89

i realized due 3 days and no copy.  called requested and paid.  i didn't freak out.  tried online difficulty log on.  went found my phone called.  robot said 3-5 days.   

good Aileen bad Aileen

good Will bad Will. 

WOW!!  white american women are the most self entitled.  they encourage men to subjugate and objectify women hating the fact they're female.  like trump they believe themselves superior above all others.  crazy.  outside the evil they carry inside themselves.  talking to Sue seniors like sickly George she'd vote for Trump always.  they be crazy.  i understand they can't admit mistakes.  they can't change only kill themselves with lies and try to take others with them to be 'right'.  explains white boys killing school children.  the mothers then fathers teach them.