my time

because of covid i have so much time to be me.  i'm used to defending myself 24/7.  all my relationships i've felt  familiar with have been contentious people i supported who took advantage of my support with nothing but criticism coming back to me.  like my family.  i need friends.

toki and walter are givers.

offered avocados to autistic boy and father no, john no st just, dropped off best at toki's.  mailed trans am premier life insurance.  lovely cool overcast. 

called justin mission library regarding renewing chrome book with precovid hold.  he'll find out how to handle since no new check outs.  call him wednesday.

omg the nasa burn pictures on tv i dreamed 6 months ago not understanding why it was news.

the sunday morning talking heads-trump world

they talk.  words to persuade the world that they like trump have value.  they edit and pick and choose to create a perception of reality trying to convince the world is not the way it is but as they choose to see it.  as they want us to see it.

the reality of trump's vision is the world we're living in now.  he promised to keep america great and usa  number one in pandemic fallout.   the economy is tanking like his many bankruptcy filings to protect his personal fortune.  trump world.  he always fails.  he's consistent.
*********************

i cooked 3 eggs in toshiba auto perfect medium.  ate almond bites.  breakfast was cheerios and milk yogurt.  2 days turns plain milk to yogurt.  my experiments.

i'm baby feeling abandoned waiting for someone to come take care of me.  that's why i became major caretaker.  so i opened car, washed front back windows, watered plants, transplanted pine and volunteer lavender.  i'm running from my feelings by doing.  the worse i feel the more i try to do.

i don't have to highlight edit just title to add or edit to post.  i'm learning something new every day.

soup, soup, soup.  i cooked in the garage my summer kitchen.  while waiting for it i went online and ordered gum, vitamins delivered 9/1 date.  took me half hour success.  juiced 5 oranges by hand. 

armageddon

studying with jehovah's witnesses when i was 9-11 yrs old i dreamed the world would be consumed by earthquakes and fires.  dad made us study and go to kingdom hall to sit on wooden benches listening to people sharing for hours.  early 12 step program.

what if covid is really what will end people on the planet?  today i dreamed people didn't deserve living.  there's so little compassion and empathy.  we're not learning. 

the meek=teachable will inherit the earth.

lovely cool this a m.

my stomach and back iffy.  i went homestead safe way walked store no sushi bought 4 cokes.  walked around park 20 minutes.  after senior lunch pick up didn't feel like scu came home tired.  smoky after lunch watched 'cold turkey' and napped.

figured out why nature feels restorative.  oxygen.  all that fresh air.  open space.  nothing magical totally natural.  where we human beings belong not indoors in cages.

i think meals, baths, showers should be centralized to conserve resources.  i'm so logical.  if we limit private areas we can expand green areas.  more oxygen cooler temps.  global warming increases greenery.  use what's available to our advantage.

*****************

1955 emmett till 14 year old chicago illinois boy beaten murdered on summer break working in south tallahatchie at great uncle's.  and this week unarmed black man shot 7 times in back paralyzed.

i brought in cokes and empty water bottles from car.  rescued roller bucket works great.  handle is removable.  i put away cokes with drinks.  i drank=4 oranges.

balance

across the board the most important.  balanced diet, rest and activity, body alignment, mental activity, chemicals. 

i spent the first part of my life surviving a hostile environment peopled by enemies.  the skills defenses habits that kept me safe no longer serve and are now keeping me stuck.

so lovely 65 o 10;20 senior lunch line.  i walked around fremont park.  it's so many fremonts.  i like the quiet best of all.  well, the birds and things moving in the distance.  and the cool.  cabrillo doesn't feel as peaceful.  i could have brought sewing but i'm enjoying the quiet.  found a pretty pink aloha gilligan hat.

i'll go past st just to cup.  drop off avocados.

i think the pain of losing eric was mourning the loss of my happy hawaiian family.  i took a plane ride at 4 yrs old and everyone was gone.  when there's a ton of people around happiness is easier to find someone to share.  mom made sure to isolate dad and we were just along for the ride.  dad never made her happy he didn't want to.  tom never made me happy tho he tried.

my turn.  i'm home 2;30.  i did it all sans wet towel not on purpose.  i stopped dollar store for vitamin d none, 2 bags chips, 4 half price aluminum foil, pineapple eraser for auntie.  picked up lunch dropped off avocados.  so much time still i went big cup safe way clearance 5 heat eat  brown rice, cherry turnovers.  library ate lunch in shade.  5 dvds ready.  decided to drop by g 2 safe way clearance $2.50 chocolate croissants, almond, 2 piece cornbread 99 cents.  $unnyvale 2 vitamin d, 3 chips. 

good day hunting.

delete

i accidentally deleted tab and replaced it.  i do things when tired like forgetting to close page and lose post.  lack of oxygen is feeling perpetually tired. 

no idea when i slept awoke 6.  second pink panther 2 disc is cartoon series.

'zendaya' in my head, looking it up.  'to give thanks' shona-bantu african origin.  lead to orinda 'pine trees'.

forgot supplements yesterday.

i need more protein to rebuild wounds.  i stayed in bed 'til 8;25 tired from a night of tossing and turning.  my body is complaining of saturday clean up activity.  i like moving and grooving.

i dreamed i smoked the air is so smoky from the fires.  i'm worried about the mud slides and flooding this winter.

i finally finished drinking the onion pickle water.  for whatever reason it tasted so good diluted down.  so stinky.  i grossed myself out.  i added fresh apple cider vinegar and sugar to pickled onions. 

easy eggs

today easy eggwich yesterday toshiba egg cooker.  modern life is amazing.

yesterday after cooking chub turkey, onions and diced potatoes i cooked brown rice to clean the corning ware.  i made easy poached 60 seconds too long 55 probably better.  sushi soy perfect size serving.  i was still hungry after breakfast bar.

i have to restrain myself from pulling fabric out of clean up.  i have so much still in garage.

yippie!! i may be able to pick up jumanji.  i checked up dates.

called from campbell dollar, 50 cent bargains safe way.  library picked up long line from shut down.  already tired no cupertino.  watched jumanji and rested.  tired from saturday cleanup.

wow

i started writing without a title and my post jumped up to the header.  i don't know what's going on.

tom helped me put out some of mom's left overs.  alien took everything she couldn't sell and put all in the garage and throughout the house.  now nit is looking to sell.  all for money.  betraying me for money.

toshiba auto egg cooker new i tried 2 eggs medium done great.  did in garage keep house cool.

watching miranda esmonde-white aging backwards 3.  brain health is challenged by new body movements.  large relaxed gestures increase muscle strength and flexibility.  i thought it was due to increased circulation.

in garage i cooked sliced half onion in pyrex.  pickled half.  added diced potatoes to cooked onion.  cooked chub turkey in corning ware.  added cooked potato to turkey.  so good 3 servings.  toasted 2 corn tortillas.

went and closed car window rained 6 pm.  someone wrote thank you on mom's xmas box on cactus.  hangers gone.

looking trump

going to be bad sad.  all the news coverage is pointing to trump taking over like hitler.  complacency is his biggest ally.

all of the post disappeared.  i left page open overnight.  oops.

tom showed up late.  put out half of aliens china.  she took all of mine.  i wonder she didn't sell hers.  she's so cuckoo.  i threw out 4 huge bags 1 box of hangers everywhere in garage.  cupboards, boxes, bags lying all over.  i had empty boxes labeled the contents gone.  tom pointed out like i didn't know when i put them out he carried to curb.  an hour filled the space in front of left neighbor's car parked in front of my house this entire weekend from friday. 

feeling exhausted

no oxygen.  smokes from santa cruz a little better or i'm getting used to it maybe.  my eyes stinging and when it gets really bad i brought wet towel to breathe through.  i forgot yesterday.  low oxygen my excuse.

tom called 12;22 to postpone to tomorrow garage check.  i think it's just too smoky.  he'll do what he needs to do.  i wonder if his stuff is still out there.

i wanted safe way sushi.  i found 2 chocolate almond bars, 12 oz slivered almonds on clearance.  bars free.  i'm at cooling station.  i have chargers, movies, player, apples, gave sydney milk.  weekend lunch had small brownie large cookie i ate.

heaven.   i can play games all day, look stuff up, nap,

i'm feeling hot and sweaty at least not as smoky.  could be synthetic shirt.

6 pm spent all day cooling center air conditioner so good.  much easier breathing.  still smells smoky.  i don't understand clean up thinking.  one day of throwing out a year's worth of unwanted.  did they change their minds or just planned obsolescence probably.  knowing the clean up available.

i'm feeling insecure.

feelings

healing all starts with emotions.  energy-in-motion.  learning from emotional resilience.  deep sadness is parents.

dollar store had kettle chips no mouthwash.  no bathroom. so i went to sprouts no clearance.   10;12 #7 car i walked around park for half hour.  dropped off avocados, bananas, pears, milk at toki's.  she called to thank me.

4 pm.  lovely nap.  too sleepy tired to go back to cooling.

watching biden i understand much better.   he's stutterer.  he's worked hard to overcome.  there was something weird about him made me doubt.  i hope that's it.  i do like jill. 

the criticisms were desperate or praising.  i didn't understand they need for dissection. 

who i am

i get to decide.  reading dr david viscott is better each time i read it.  i was blocking protecting the secrets i hide from myself.  first time through i didn't understand.  third time i'm able to relate to my life.  confusion is clearing.

i paid discover ready pge for walmart.  eating cheerios with last nights potatoes.  delicious.

santa cruz is on fire.  very smoky air.

cleaned up the mess from boiled over potatoes.  bowl lid glass plate.  feel better.

back right ribs making their presence known.  stomach hurting from hips.  especially right.

need gas car.  i want to get jumanji from campbell finally ready hooray!
***********************

filled tank $2.80 highest in a while.  done 9;30 on to seniors taking apart tees.  picked up lunch, on to walmart paid pge and priced medicare freebies.  h2o2 88 cents as opposed to a dollar at dollar store.  plus tax.  bought large can beef stew 2.12.

proceeded to campbell considered side trips, nah.  arrived noon ate leisurely lunch watched people and crows.  1 pm i walked up to drop off judy.  closed so i called.  they decided 'cuz of poor air quality closed no check out.  i felt angry and betrayed like when mom manipulated and cheated me over and over.

i went seniors cooling before 1;30.  i asked the late open time because of lunch clean up.   i got to heal.  annoying irritating scotch woman wheeled in wheelchair man 4 ft from me proceeded to remove mask and pig out talking for an hour mask less.  tv cc she'd repeat news 2 minutes later like she knew something.  first time she did it i said yeah i read it.  i got up and moved far away.  man wheeled himself away.  later i asked front kids they said let them know.  not my job.  left at 6 pm  86 o by the time i got home.  made chicken ramen soup.  yummy.

fascia

woke 6;30.  used cd twice to regain sleep.  all painkillers mimic sleep.

took rolling cart from clean up out of car found yesterday house across from senior lunch line.  wiped down sticky furniture polish.  polish and polish.  brought inside for pantry planning set up.  my subconscious does a great job.

now watching classical stretch i think strength is in delicate fascia.  it's like lace throughout the body connecting muscles bones tendons.  connective tissue.  most easily noticed in corned beef separating muscle bands.

i don't care looks just comfort.  i'm wearing my cotton golden stat tee and black layered skirt hiked up knee length. 

45 minutes dr alex.  i'm still numb 6 pm.  my cheek  is itching.

i'm cooking onions, potatoes i have cooked chicken shredded cabbage.   

5;30

able to sleep despite heat.  dream of mop dog woke me.  he was symbol of me.  he was turned away by neighbor when living on spruce.  he had broken pelvis according to veterinarian self healing.  kept him in box for few weeks, washed him, dog family.   i found felix at sjsu abandoned 1976 my last semester.  neither ex or i  went to graduations.

my bottom half is paining and nausea.  hot i'm managing with wet towels.  drinking lots of water sweating buckets.  i'm feeling restless.  remembering don't overdo.  slow and easy.  i'm making myself watch second half jamie.

overcast and smoky from 3 brush fires.   stinging eyes.

9;43 #3 no hot meal i opted for half cup seafood salad.  picked out onions still stomach and sleepy.  the sulfuric acid.  learned from omit cooling open yesterday why he mentioned don't know.  only half parking lot.  maybe tomorrow. 

4;30 am

dry lightning thunder storm woke me to realize and remember nit and ex did exactly same killed my parakeets at 16 and 21 years old.  so weird.  exactly same behavior compromised my integrity.  i thought i forgave nit but i only forgot so i married ex to relive experience.  nit youngest i married oldest to forgive both nit alien taking my things.  learned from dad mom.

5;14 sprinkling a few minutes.  and all quiet.  all gone.

i deserve love and respect.  i deserve people who love and respect me and my things.  love without respect isn't love.  my things are an extension of who i am.  how they respect my things are how they respect me.  whether friend enemy or acquaintance.  that's why it hurts so much when the evil step sisters mom and dad steal from me.

i'm so excited.
******************************

ate potato omelet sandwich having heavenly kettle chips watching 'fresh off boat'.  i forgot to close up house fell asleep didn't yell at myself.  2 towel cool.  sprinkled like hawaii.  sun shining.  clouds and sun playing.  reminded me of diamond head thunder lightning storm 2000 we took dad's ashes to oahu temple in family crypt.  i had single room sixth floor across from zoo.  5-6 am every morning they bathed the elephants.  i had my coffee on the balcony.  nights were so beautiful.
******************************

i'm feeling so angry.  baby tom voice mail at 2.  found it checking calendar time dentist tuesday.  i had decided to mention city clean up if he called.  i let him know if he wanted to toss anything.  i feel so much better not thinking of him like mom.  he's such a huge reminder of the horrible past.  and he continues to not support help me.  and it's too hot.  he still has things stored in garage.

taking do everything day

beating the heat 3 wet towels keeping cool old school.  cooked some potatoes to eat with baked beans.  buns delicious.  had chocolate turmeric cheerios for lunch.  working on tee shirts.

rest and relaxation.

right back ribs so sore 100 o s

i've spent so much life cowering protecting myself from family attacks.  coward has a negative connotation.  self protection is confusing.  if you do it it's smart.  if i do it it's cowardly.  social definitions.  hypocrisy.  i never respected societal views.  i couldn't without poisoning myself.

'the coward dies a thousand deaths, the hero dies but once.'  how about everyone lives.  not as dramatic.  doesn't appeal to general public.  i've never been one for un examined ideals.  mom screamed at me for scrutinizing life.

standing tall is using a lot of unused unknown muscles.  m-u-s-c-l-e-s can be sung to the nestle's jingle.

i did it all.  dollar store, seniors ok, main return judy lucy spock mayim, homestead road construction i went through st j looking for john handing out food bags gave me 2 i said too much he insisted, donut & sees candy, cupertino return drop open heat advisory 2 medium lucy trolls, ate lunch did sewing, remembered free yogurt yummy madagascar vanilla at lucky's bought chicken, lettuce, what was i thinking, i don't know.  so much weekend food.  home. 

senior center open today tomorrow 1-7.  thinking of tomorrow maybe, i'm curious.

i'm doing well.

new behavior

i'm watching all medium past due.  2 more discs.  i watch the scary parts with the sound off.  low stress.

stress is necessary to life.  i choose my stress.

i forgot classical 'til halfway through.  i trust.  watched the end.  i watch for what i learn.   my shoulder blades especially the right screaming at me.

i missed first 5 minutes of jamie getting dressed.  food necessary for living.  i don't like cooking so i watch for the quickest easiest techniques.  i want my life delicious.

i can smell fried baking bread.  someone cooking breakfast.  making me hungry even though i ate my cheerios and fruit cocktail. 

seniors car #2 i put the chopped meat and rice in the flour tortillas i bought last friday.  yummy. 

my skull is hurting where i had the stroke.  i'm watching medium special features.  slept a couple hours watching igor then green acres. 

i'm celebrating ramen that kept me alive when i couldn't digest anything else.  i couldn't even tolerate the flavor packet.  i added senior salad and a can of tuna and green olives.  so good.

didn't lose content

i forgot to close page and the signal must have stayed connected.

i slept pretty well.  woke at 5 my current set point.  i took my supplements to keep me supple ate my cheerios and seniors fruit cocktail i forgot to eat yesterday. while watching Essentrics.  Sahra is beautifully lean.  now i know why mom, alien, nit hated me.  their hatred is left over habituated behavior.  i stretched all the time because of arthritis.

just from watching my body follows along.  relaxing is the secret key to improvement.   a tense body can't change.  locked muscles can't change.  all the exercise in the world won't improve or strengthen bound muscles.  like vision.  eyes see best when relaxed refreshed.

yesterday my temperature was checked before my appointment and i was 95 Fahrenheit sweating sitting in the car pulling myself together.  i feel they're protecting me.  she was concerned.  and now i know the benefit of sweating.

oh my shoulders are complaining.  yesterday county dvd due i'm not going today.  i'm resting.  laundry can wait recycle too.

9;56 car #6 seniors i reorganized trunk a little.  it's pretty much untouched since march.  i've been confused nothing seems real.  more like a horrible dream the world is dreaming.  so many places people have it so much worse.  what are the rich waiting for?  the philippines on the news running out of food and africa no clean water. 

i'm praying for all.  if we can't pay pray.

i miss soaking my cares away in the hot tub.

the jets were the perfect massage.

i want someone who wants me.  who helps me.  my life has had few people whose 'help' didn't cause more problems.  like dr ali resurfacing and weakening my teeth because she wanted the money.  maybe none of them wanted to help but wanted money. 

so much stress around the subject.  when are they going to clone teeth for replacements.  more money than metal implants.  more maintenance.  healthier natural solution.  oh, well.  maybe 20 years.  my ideas take time for the world to catch up.

i went dollar store for ramen and mouthwash, found socks and wire brush to clean door mat, chips.  got to advanced dental care 9 and took 2 passion 2 kava.  by 9;30 i was calmer.  i left car key in door and couldn't find it.  i had to re fill out papers they didn't get. miss alex was very nice.  dr alex mendoza was great.  he was gentle and explained everything.  re glued crown.  it was 37 years old.  he said it had a hole in it allowing saliva to dissolve cement.  good thing it fell off before it rotted underneath.  after authorization tooth gets prepare for new temporary and then permanent.  very good.

 it just occurred to me neither of my sisters cried or showed the least emotion when mom died.

in playing quizzes came across wendigo an american indian word found in many tribes and languages denoting an overwhelming all consuming greed or the capitalist economy sacrificing everything to the god of consumption=tuberculosis.

suicide-dental

many reasons for purposeful ending of pain.  so many forms types of pain; despair, injury whether physical, emotional, psychological, spiritual, depression, suppression...

pain is blockage.  a disruption of the flow of energy.  the damming of a river or stream forcing an overflow, flood.  trying to wipe everything away.  tilt, reset, wipe out.

there are so many creative young people killing themselves accidentally and purposefully.  burdened buckling under the weight of the world, by their own and other people's expectations.

saturday i was pumped full of adrenaline.  all the pain disappointment despair of last 19 years surrounding dental leaving my body.  doesn't help alien is dental hygienist.

8 am i called liberty insurance for new dentist nisha gave me 3 but north has bad reputation from seniors so only 2 i checked online.  today i took 1 passion 1 kava 2 turmeric and managed to mail pch entry, buy gum at walmart, pay citibank, drive through advanced-dental-care sili-val location scott and harrison, pick up lunch.

9;46 #4 car i called adc sv.  alex reception was pleasant and helpful.  i called liberty insurance to change provider and linda said i hadn't paid since december 2018 said to call care more.  care more checked  said i was paid up.  i called back liberty ashley said everything current and changed office for me.  appointment tomorrow 9;30 dr. alex mendoza.  alex e-mailed paperwork to fill online.  page 3 got stuck i called her she said just go back to previous page of 7 total.  i hope it's complete.

i decided not to mess with garbage recycle bins.  pampering myself.  i ate lunch and put papers back.  the rest of the day 2 pm is pink panther and more pink panther on channel 36.5. 

doing what i want

4;30 i'm so freaked out by my tooth.  i slept maybe 2 hours.  teeth represent survival sustenance.  feeding oneself.  i'm watching 'the year dolly parton was my mom'.  when i saw it maybe 10 years ago i rediscovered 'love is like a butterfly' the theme song to a britcom i watched religiously maybe 1976-7 when i was 'happily' married.   the tv show delved into the life of a housewife with two teenage sons and a husband settled into domestic boredom.  the theme song i loved was covered by not dolly parton so i was stunned finding all the music from this movie were songs dolly wrote.

i'm still finding myself and the movie is about the journey of self discovery.

looked on wiki by geoffrey palmer the brit com was 'butterflies'1974 original airing.

6;15 am i thought i wanted to go to lucky's to redeem 4 offers and i changed my mind.  i'm tired and need to pamper myself.  i'm more flexible.

6;30 watching classical stretch i fell asleep and dreamed i gave and received  a big hug from eric on a beautiful beach.  i guess i had to feel exhausted to allow myself this blessing.  so worth the exhaustion.  along with missing eric i miss the not knowing before june 13 2017.  the world has tanked.  i knew truth would cause measured chaos.

i'm so tired i feel sick.  tired of depth of racism cruelty greed.  my own family biologically painful.

back on the spiral.  i keep forgetting.  i'm remembering faster.  i freaked myself out wondering if the tooth cement was poisoning me.  oh me, oh my, oh mother.

4 pm i'm finally hungry.  ate ramen and carrots.  i read dec-jan blogs.  i feel better about my life.  this is all old feelings stored in my body during unsafe times.

happy healthy

missed the beginning of split second changing clock battery.  watched 2 episodes.  hurrah!!  i like the speed of the game.  and the diversity of topics.  and monty hall.

i ate my cheerios and took my supplements.  ready for next week. 

omg!!  'the bad seed' 1956 movie channel 2.3.  alien claimed she was the bad seed.  made me laugh..  like 2001 when she claimed to be the devil.

watching 'medium' dvd season 6 2009 has virus problem every one in masks just like now.

my dr. john woo crown came off while eating my crunchy fish.  probably chewing gum didn't help.  i called emergency liberty dental number answering service no advice call back monday 5-5 p s t.  oh, well.  i wish i had drugs. 

despair

i'm reliving my childhood.  getting it all out.  feeling trapped hopeless.  some may be from atom bomb.

dad always became depressed august i thought because of heat of summer working as carpenter now i think ww2 atomic bomb drop.  mom always yelled at me for being too sensitive.  i was always apologizing for being me.  she wouldn't yell at dad for that.  too many other things.

watching stretch it occurs to me sahra teaches because her mom does.  she has no desire like miranda.  doing restricted movements still gets the circulation going.  my hips always feel better looser.  she does 2-4 movements so it's simple and easy and encouraging.  and she always reminds to relax through stretches.  get rid of tension.

7;15

and i could have and wanted to stay in bed but for classical stretch.  i mixed chocolate ginger with turmeric for cheerios and milk.  i wasn't really hungry but time to re energize.

my dreams were cartoons falling asleep to trolls world tour.

dumped 4 bags fermenting apples.  i could have used it but no.  too many chemicals dip.  3 rose thorns in daiso left clog from backyard.

9;43 #3 car.  stinky sausage fly followed me from street.  finally shooed him away.  all peppers a few onions.  i can make apple onion relish with the dozen i have from lunches.  main i dropped off own way and blossom picked up essentrics toning.  sahra instead of miranda.

12;30 i have glasses, 2 pencils, large eraser, #'s, i think i'm ready.  now, just waiting.  i have to remember to breathe.  i plugged in phone.  reading emotional resilience is very emotionally painful.
Mrs. Coralis called promptly 1;29 and 22 minutes later done.  i did need ex's soc. sec. #.  asked her opinion she suggested i get copy of marriage certificate for name change.  so maybe divorce too.  for real id.  and passport.  i'll think on it.  i'm open to the idea.

an ok day

been awake since 3 slept at 10.  5 hours is ok.  i'll nap.

i'm unlearning.  i'm choosing my behavior carefully.  watching blossom 91-92 nit was an only child and yet she refused to take care of mom and dad.  they sent her on a field trip to baja cal with her class in high school.  they actually allowed her to go amazing.  miraculous.

walter showed up seniors.  i got there 9;33 #1 so he saw me waving and we talked 'til lunch started.  i drove around the block and we talked more 'til art walked up and i told them to walk.  it's what i do connecting people.  i went to chase and cashed $10 csaaa refund check and home.

i feel blessed by walter.  he's my brother too.  i rinsed red pepper sauce off fish and added balsamic.  had to toss 4 bags slimy sliced apples.  cut up a fresh apple to eat w/almond butter.  delicious.  made popcorn for dessert.  happy child.

i kept thinking today thursday and correcting myself.  i don't want to do wilcox food pick up.  last day.
and i don't have to.  all i want is iceberg lettuce they don't have and onions, apples, oranges i have plenty.

i lay down to rest and slept through 4;15 bell ringing for cupertino-toyokama atom bomb drop.

august 6 hiroshima, august 7 toyokama, august 9 nagasaki.  i wonder why only 2 mentioned in history.
looked on wiki.  conventional bombing. 

covid the great equalizer

driving around i noticed it doesn't matter the cars, money, status.  everyone's the same to covid.

'murder, he says' 1945 fred macmurray great movie.  the acting is excellent.  so convincing.  i have good memories of nit and i watching it together as kids saturday movies after i finished house work.  we were maybe 8-9, 3-4.

i've decided to wear my sleeveless dresses around the house.  i finished the denim and sage 'suede' remodel.  i'm looking good.  i'm feeling good.

so i tried online retirement for an hour couldn't set up.  i looked at 2015 when i tried still couldn't figure it out.  called help line 5;17 talked to kim east coast 9;17 for 33;45 minutes who set up my application for retirement.  and pers effect.  she checked my online and said it's blocked by equifax (probably discover).  i'd have to remove block for at least a day to set up online i'd rather not have online names and passwords.  i don't want it anyway i was trying to be modern.  i have specialist phone appointment with campbell  thursday.  she was such an angel.  i thanked her profusely.

whew!!  i cooked pork onions but 7 pm i'm just not hungry.  more stunned.

my special treat

waiting for the light shirley mcclaine, teri garr on tv.

banking cupertino

i kept waking with infant flashbacks.  my sacroiliac screaming.  my stomach upset .  less than a year old mom has propped me up on rattan couch.  mom knows i can't won't move it will bite my tender flesh.  pain, fear and anxiety my only companions.  i wait becoming more uncomfortable until the pain starts me crying.  eventually someone comes for me.  that's what i learned.  that's what i expect.

i don't want to do anything.  i don't have to do anything today.

i finally understand my free floating anxiety.

9;46 #5 car.  drop off pch entry po, main drop off sonic pick up judy, chase withdrawal, cu deposit forgot  to cash $10 csaa check, noon ate lunch cupertino drop off sonic harriet 1776, pick up lucy trolls murder he says.

1;41 pm home everything expeditiously done i'm quietly sweating.  for 85 degrees feels hotter or maybe it's me.  while reading 'my own way' waiting in seniors lunch line his description of dinnertime gave me the shivers and bing telling gary how hard life is without context made me shiver.  i vibrate with recognition.   my own experience.  dennis and lindsay (bing's favorite son) while denying the truth in gary's autobiography both committed suicide by guns.  denial is lethal.  the manner of suicide is important.  how one chooses to die.

i started researching suicide at 16 due to my fascination with tying a hangman's noose.  a chart in the encyclopedia showed how to tie various knots and the fact the hangman's noose takes 13 turns and 13 steps to the gallows i found an oddly superstitious ritual.  i was depressed then and over dosing aspirin was very common.  alien had pimped me out to manipulate a date.  she manipulated the whole family.  i had that slave mentality living a slaves' life.  then alien got married and had someone more interesting to manipulate 24/7.

oh, very good

i watched stretch.  my dreams reminded me of 1972 my first year of marriage a continuous string of uti's.

yesterday i dreamed of adopting a boy and girl and young white cat enters living room containing my spouse and jumps up in surprise.  makes me laugh.

i'm catching up on dvd viewing.  i have juvenile sonic and sad harriet to watch.

good time for personal grooming.

i'm practicing loving myself.

watching cesar 911 worry, responsibility, guilt, feelings of helplessness for 12 years taking care of dad.  i couldn't trust anyone to look after him.  the dysfunctional family.  i've worked such a long time on myself.  they were fine muddling along blaming me for whatever wasn't working and i was an enabler.  my exhaustion was from unrelenting stress.  my co dependent family couldn't be trusted.  still can't.

i love seeing people happy. 

nitrogen

free starbucks cold brew.  i was home by 9;30 lucky's @ lawrence.  pork chop $2.24.  i walked half the store looking for coffee sans forgot mask used wipes to cover, asked, went out to car for mask and purchased.  drove lawrence home new behavior. 

i'm feeling scattered.  peacefully doing what i feel.  i put together cottage pie and added pickled onions.  so delicious. 

went through just-4-u found free roll kleenex or petalo tp buried middle of discount offers. 

my mouth is sore.  i bit myself twice yesterday two different places right side. 

i worry about teeth, health, money, everything.  i was so tired i stayed in bed 'til 7;30.  didn't remember split second, there it was when i turned on tv. 

i'll do banking, and cupertino holds monday.  all i wanted was starbucks.