Tired of feeling tired

Still achy and tired.  And I'm taking better care of myself.  I'm still ridiculously proud of myself for soldiering on when there's no payoff.  Oh foolish.  There never was a payoff.  Except the humiliation and abuse seemed less.  Didn't know A was laughing. 

Monday mtg another piece of the puzzle.  Bc shared he was to have been a Vietnam sacrifice and disappointed his parents by choosing life, avoiding the draft.  I've been tortured with not knowing WHY they wouldn't let me have a chance at life through adoption.  They kept me for the drama.  With my heart condition the pity and pathos could be milked forever.  Where was the milk of human kindness? 

If I'd been adopted I'd have been treasured and loved instead of neglected and tortured.  They would have had access to real money.  Dad could have been a happy alcoholic.  Mom could have been the happy homemaking co-dependent.  They ruined everything.  And like always my job to clean it up.  No wonder I'm so tired and angry. 

Well, this time they can't horn in on the glory and try to ruin it for me.  Only I can do that now.  Power!!

So I was tortured.  Not even a good reason.  I'm feeling so angry.

I'm still functioning.  A miracle.  I haven't had to sabotage myself for learning a fact.  I didn't need to punish myself for improving my life.  I am improving my life. With each accurate fact the puzzle of my life becomes clearer.  I remembered the B of A was due today and I was calm all day.  I just went and paid it. EZ-PZ.

Or am I just exhausted?  No, I think it's real progress.

Tomas helped me clear my head a lot yesterday.  He is so good at accepting people the way they are.  Even when that means they suffer for it.  I can't take the suffering.  I leave it. 

Watching Dr. Northrup's Mother-Daughter Wisdom  is healing.  Seven times for an A.  Watch six times for B, etc.  Five more to go.

My feelings are so mixed up and blocked I'm not entirely sure how I feel.  Precisely how I continued to hurt my back.  I wasn't sure of my feelings.  I took Ginsberg's assessment over my feelings. 

I never trusted the family why did I trust her?  I didn't.

I was just too exhausted to fight.  I'd used all my reserves taking care of Mom and Dad.  I had nothing left.  I felt I was dying.  Ail was giving me grief at home.  24-7. 

I want.  I need.  What?