seniors 6:45 HOT SPOT CENTRAL

people waiting 40 degree weather.  man parked next to me hits with door puts his bag on my back windshield denies it hints I'm crazy.  I got to yell at him he does not own everything tho' he thinks he does.  2 large print word find at puzzle table.  lovely soak 98 degrees.  I can go to 24 for hotter since it's freezing.  last day senior pools til January 20.

St Just still closed for lunch.  I have protein shakes.  I checked holds in transit.  I puzzled, relaxed, computed.  3 pm I decided to leave and checked my account, hot spot ready they resisted checking it out telling me I couldn't have both Chromebook and hot spot.  they diddled around finally deciding to override the system lying saying it's always been like that when I know different.  borrowed Botswana, Big bang, and Fried Green Tomatoes.

driving home I detoured to Cup library picking up Murphy's Romance and #1 Ladies Detective Agency.

so good

so much to eat.  so much to appreciate.  I wore new sweats to keep me warm at 40 degrees weather.  

I showered at 24.  I forgot it's Friday freebie.  I loaded drink.  I forgot my slippers so I went to lucky's no Mac nuts or low salt BBQ.  I showered and stretched and computed a little.  very slow too many logged on at 24 I went to nob hill and wished MeMe happy Thanksgiving.  home for game shows!  and lunch I forgot.

I ate watching People Puzzler.  such a perfectly peaceful day.

BEST THANKS EVER!!

I WOKE A FEW TIMES.  HUNGRY, I ATE TUNA SALAD AND CRACKERS.  YUM.  

9 am gym my left sketcher shoe sole flapping I used a rubber band then homestead safe way chrome update, no light salt BBQ chips I drove to college store bought light BBQ and lemon.  11:30 so I looked for St Clare parking, right in front.  I took my time finding my hat and glasses.  stood in line they opened early!  I left at 1 pm and Alex showed up.  Raymond and a bunch of center seniors showed up.  

I asked for 2 take homes for me and Walter.  new pair of men's socks happy b'day to me.  and my desserts, pumpkin cheesecake and pecan I couldn't finish.  so good.  I drove to first Presbyterian and Walter was there.  he didn't want the food.  after eating I checked the giving table and a new pair of 6.5 shoes.  a Thanksgiving miracle.  new black sweat pants and 4 X peachy sun dress.  I saw Gloria and I didn't think to give her an extra dinner.  we had a lovely time visiting 'til 2:15 I realized we were keeping them late.  and home in time for people puzzler.   

BEST THANKSGIVING EVER!  GREAT TO GET THINGS I WANT!

better

lunch was full of sugar and I'm feeling sleepy.  calm and sleepy.

I did my wheel, checked libraries, entered contests.  

I'm free!!  two days off I can do what I want.  no family arguments, criticism, schedules.   

I'm celebrating

home 2:35 for people puzzler.  I'm enjoying more. 

sprinkling they opened door at 7:29 am

just as I parked.  I joined the lines.  I had to fill out another application I needed some mystery registration number.  so when I finally talked to the third person I had 2 applications.  she had to look up the online one for payment record.  the good news no written test.  what a relief.  I could have danced a jig.  another hour in 2 more lines for picture and final check.  no idea when she said, I was too happy.  I have temporary piece of paper expires 1/23/25.  

i got to seniors 9:05.  i soaked for half an hour, feeling sick doing too much.  lunch was good.  I liked the cottage cheese melon salad.  I gave the diced cantaloupe to Toki and ate the honey dew.  so perfect.  I brought half the lettuce home to add to Jin ramen soup.  I added an egg.  good noodles.  mild is spicy, hot must be a rocket to the moon.  

oh, no lunch

I walked Sprouts just 99 cent salad I planned on adding to St Just none today because Thanks pick up 1-3 pm.  

I soaked and stretched at seniors.  connected Internet.  and here I am at central waiting for pick up.  I bought 29 cent celery yesterday I can eat tuna salad.  

sitting in line St Just Thanks pick up 1 pm.  i'm reminded of Footprints poem.  i thought i was alone but He was carrying me.  i have an inner chauffeur to drive me.  I've been so wrong.  with God Life is easy.  

took 40 minutes in line and I feel part of life.  by 2 pm no line waiting.  

SUN- I figured out how to watch from 10 feet and exercise.  I can do 1-5 minutes that add up like intermittent bingo exercise.  I've been feeling lonely and sad.  I'm babying myself feeling sad and lonely staying in bed.  I can comfortably sit cross legged for the first time in over 25 years due to parental care taking back damage.  hurrah cottage cheese legs.  my muscles have released.  I'm not frozen.

and I'm back-still sad JFK assassination 1963

I picked up my free 'Jin' instant noodles at Lucky's.  I drove past the DMV on a trial run.  I'm going to go survey the office.  I'm getting comfortable.  I'm living life very differently.  I have to get address verification and license ready.  

I visited with Inge for half hour.  then I relaxed in a leisurely shower, stretched, went upstairs computing.  90% rain forecast.  I bought $5 coupon potato salad turkey bag lunch and $2 piece of apple pie whipped cream.

lunch was ok I got distracted relating the past Valentine's accident to Florence and Donchey.  I missed left overs.  I picked up my bag lunch and drove to DMV no parking around 2 times starting to sprinkle I came home.  no success or failure all an exercise.  I emptied part of trunk for St Just Thanks pick up.

Citibank Yanni in Utah explained $31.03 one day late fee on $39.  a little extreme I bless and release for exponential increase.  

I'm watching 2 episodes HI 5 0 on channels 68 and 68.4.  my new behaviors.  watching my game shows.  I'm not torturing myself or letting anyone else either. 

no wi fi on chrome

so I'm back to desk top library.  feels weird.  new behaviors for my new life.  I yelled at woman in locker room moaning complaining just like dad and Walter.  NO!!  I had to care for my mom and dad I'm done!  I don't need anyone reminding me of my pain. 

I went to central tech and John helped me on Nick's suggestion when I called the library in the morning.  John tried then suggested off and on reboot.  it worked.

white men between certain ages voted for the high priest of money-POWER OUT 5:54-6:35

Bezos and Musk.  not enough money in the universe to satisfy them.  

LOVE of money is the root of all evil.  living backward.

men in pool tub have nothing to complain about just making lots of noise.

I corrected Korean woman bullying Jane to eat faster.  not her mother go away.  I got to speak up.

power out while I'm blogging so I have light and flashlight.  cold, dark and nothing to do so to bed.  and it's back on.  must be test.

6:45 am 40 degrees

I puzzled 'til 9 soaked 9:30-10:30.  lunch Fred, Toki, Walter.  we talked over puzzle 'til 1:20 bingo.  i'm so proud of the great inner work he's doing.  I suggested a wife with family.  he's thinking about it.  bingo size more challenging.  

Lucky's 2 dozen Egg land best, 3 party chips.  home.  I'm feeling tired.  

I feel surprisingly calm.  I usually stress myself.  I'm content.  

I'm calming myself

I woke typically terrified.  the family did a number on me.  old terror rising.  I drove past DMV at 6:47 am 47 degrees people outside waiting.  I have lots of terrified company.  

old depression rising.  talking to Dino about Mike Winn I realized how much his choices like dad's death saddened me, I cried and the cloud lifted.  at least for now.   I just miss Eric too.

I tried the DMV website.  at least it has usage graphs.  I have 2 complete weeks.  

I considered sewing tonight not tomorrow at Sunny Vale.  too cold and my priorities tomorrow bingo exercise.  next Monday no hot lunch.  

I forgot Sunnyvale trick

The connection is spotty and once connected I can go all over the library.  i puzzled and when I calmed down I remembered.  I did my updates and puzzled 'til 5.  

I need love.  I keep wondering why they never loved me.  my friends love me.  my teacher loves me.  lots of people love me not my family.  just cruelty and jealousy.  makes me sad for them.  what you put out you get back.  simple physics.  

with God life is simply easy

life is what we want it to be.  

I can still hear ex whining, ooh, same as mom 'not what they want' yet they do nothing to change anything, the definition of insane.

at 8 I dressed for Costco gas.  drove in, filled up, drove out deciding to check north Walmart.  bought shakes, 2 beets, extra back brace.  

used nob hill internet and bought salad and burritos.  left pomegranates for Me Me.  and home 9:30.   

time to let my soul catch up.  

7:47-7:57 am seniors drive

how I avoided bad drivers for 57 years I don't know.  must have been my family armor. 

weird day.  

I soaked an hour at seniors and pondered what to do.  I decided St Just for lunch pick up then Star One deposit and county library.  Cupertino star 1 closed Saturdays.  I returned and borrowed at the county library.  straight to Walmart closed no power.  then to the open Star One and the main library.  success finally.

1 pm eating lunch and considering book sale I forgot.  I browsed but nothing I want.  sunny book sale tomorrow.  

feeling a little sad leaving behind the old life bits of myself.  separation and change are uncomfortable.  especially for me.  

neck rehab from '72 and '14.  

a plastic tub of candied fruit fell off the shelf to the floor.  i picked it up and put it back.  i didn't know it was cracked and leaked syrup over the shelf onto the floor.  i brushed against the shelf and got it over my clothes.  i didn't notice the floor until after I'd tracked through it over the house.  i soaked up as much as i could with papers and i'll let the ants clean up the rest.  I've become so relaxed. 

leisurely 7:30 free pasta

$5.59.  and I bought Mac nuts $5 on sale 'til 12/2.  I made oat meal added nuts.  senior puzzling to my heart's content.  tygj.

9:30 I'm feeling sad.  time to exercise and change my chemistry.  it always works naturally.  no chemicals no nasty side effects just better health.  I love love love taking my time.  

sloppy joe lunch good.  Fred, Toki, Salome.  Andy came and went very early.  Walter showed up I congratulated him on feeling.  we talked 'til 2.  I explained how the head brain is a computer to figure out how to get from here to there and the gut brain is the controller.  the gut generates health and dis ease.  the gut never lies or makes a mistake.  the head brain needs training like a dog to be happy.  gurus taught meditation to lead to happiness, nirvana, paradise.  the unintentional celebrity suicides are from head brains without discipline.  I told him I know for sure he can construct his happiness from his discipline and focus in accomplishing what he's already lived.  I'm so proud of him.  he's suffered like I've suffered.  he shared for the first time his dad's pre death visitations.  I told him about Elinore Geracci and he remembered George.  I told him how Elinore was concerned when George had visitations for 2 nights and he died the third night at 3 am after talking to people who predeceased him.  Walter cried remembering his dad talking to predeceased relations.  

chrome closed up shop-Today's Daily word NEW DIRECTION

chrome allowed restore.  I remembered to connect to the internet first.  I'm feeling jubilant.  the word popped into my head.  

I kept waking with a stomach mass of anxiety labeled 'license renewal.'  I know it really isn't.  it's just baby pain.  I calmed myself with loving thoughts and feelings.  they taught hate and humiliation.  they installed self sabotage.  I still have the dregs I'm processing.  I create loving chemicals and feel safe.  

I'm loving the coffee puzzle.  puns galore.  Cody brought a dozen new movies for me to check out I gave him my senior water.  I chose 4.  I'm waiting on holds at county to return book.  sunny holds expire today.  

I keep forgetting to mention self sabotage to Walter.  he showed up for lunch so i broached the subject.  he chose to joke and attack me recalling Patelco out of the blue.  i told him i felt attacked over something years ago.  it's good he's standing up for himself he just needs practice.  

Dino asked if I was going to bingo size.  I completely forgot and was ready to go home.   Whew!!  good exercise.

I came home and watched people puzzler, then sunny library 2 books and back home for person, place, thing.   

6:53 feeling it healing it

a clump of dark sinister energy in my ab.  I woke warm and fear filled.  a strange sensation.

I'm always trying to push God.  I have gutters to clean, license to renew, water soft to buy, etc.  and the old me was never allowed to trust God.  wasn't done in the house.  

EPIPHANY:  they were the gods.  WOW!!  they believed that.  explains so much.  this is why I blog.  I see my life from a whole new angle.  WHERE WAS GOD DURING THIS HELL?  dad molested Aileen who molested me and pimped me out for a date by maneuvering a double date.  she manipulated all of us to make me her whore.   and mom was so dumb?  she let it happen.  maybe she knew.  would explain her self punishment.

I'm ready for something good.   

6:55 seniors

after slippers and protein shake drop off to Jin.

I've reached a new block.  I'm turn it into a stepping stone.  

feeling sad I soothed myself with puzzling.  9 am I was soaking.  10 am I decided to change into workout clothes.  I stretched while puzzling.  11 am I put on my back brace for lunch.  good lunch Fred, Toki late and Diane.  lovely calm.  Walter came late and Amber talked making him even later.  then she chastised him for being late.  LOL.  I asked him if he wanted to talk and I showed him some stretches for his back and legs while puzzling.  then 1 pm I changed for bingo exercise and put everything in my car.  new behavior.  I won 2 bingo s.  home 2:40 for people puzzler.  I considered how I wanted to clean gutters.  perfect weather.  I was covered in cobwebs.  I used a sticky lint roller I've had for years without an occasion.  I thought about sunny sewing I have time.  I remembered the wheel page wouldn't load at lunch and I forgot it oh, well.    then person, place or thing at 4.  

relaxing evening.  

Blessed holy day-Jin Solis-forgot to pay Citibank I'm letting it go

I haven't seen her 6 months easy.  she taught me so much.  she's generous to a fault.  inclusive to anyone needing it.  she made boiled Eggland for the morning group.  and fried bananas.  she loaned me her souvenir slippers from Hawaii.  we traded info.  she lives Stardust ct 95050 rather than sunny like the Monacks.  so I was inspired to tub for 10 minutes.  99 degrees.  good stretch.  

11 am it's raining, it's pouring.  i decided to use the covered parking and internet at nob hill.  i want salad.  i said hi to me-me and almost overcharged myself again.  they fixed it.  I wore glasses this time.

home another wave of sadness for my fur babies.  unconditional love that helped me so much.  they always came to me.  i couldn't subject them to my childhood home and parents.  i gave them up for adoption.  my apartment neighbors loved them too.  i chose to minister to my parents.  i couldn't let my cats suffer my parents' abuse, cruelty and neglect.  they deserved better.  

my back is throbbing.  my hips and neck feel broken.  

my back feels broken again

I've been here before.  I can barely get up from sitting and getting in and out of the car is torture.  again.  Valentine's car collision I need to love me more.  the stronger the traumatic force the deeper it's driven into tissues and the longer it takes to surface if at all.  CBD allowed the family program through.

an hour to soak out the pain.  pain is practically gone tailbone on fire.

how ironic.  just as I finished loading my gym case the alarms went off.  and 10 am the fire truck arrived maybe 3 minutes.  4 men got out checked building and left.  15 minutes.  getting in and out of car still agony.

I walked Sprouts for clearance kids sack lunch $3.58.  

st just lunch Charity makes me feel so welcome and someone left frozen chick nuggets.  holiday dinner.  extra yogurt.  sitting in the library cafe area charging.  I watch dads with their daughters.  mine always wanted to be the baby.  the hero dads are obvious.  they look out for their children.  tired by 3 pm.  borrowed a movie and the newest Botswana book.  home I found some melted fruit that inspired me to take out garbage.  I watched TV 'til 9 then bed.  

2 am- I woke hungry and had the half kids sack turkey sandwich and BBQ chips.  so good to have what I want when I want it.  sisters are still playing denial games.  I brushed my teeth and went back to sleep.

6 am woke with a lump of sad fear in my belly.  baby energy I cradled, hugged and soothed.  

7:30 I'm crying with Arthur the King:  a true story movie about a dog reminding me of my furry family.  all of them are so loyal and loving unlike my human family.  when I borrowed it I didn't know why.  I needed to acknowledge the love that kept me alive.  

every addiction masks pain-Welsun

just like when i first started my rehab here.  I started playing on the puzzle table.  it allowed me to focus outside my pain.  

Welsun never allowed organized pieces.  he'd scatter every thing all over.  sorry Suzy.  I finally realize he did it to make it harder on everyone.  like Trumpers.  they enjoy All suffering.  even their own.

people are fun to watch from a distance.  everything looks good from a distance.  up close they can get you.

6:50 watch a dozen standing 44 degrees

people create situations to suffer and complain together to bond and have community.  they voted for Trump knowing full well what he's done so they can complain together.  they choose to suffer.  

I should have anticipated the misogyny of the Asian and Latin cultures.  the immigrants have enjoyed 2024 laws and don't have any idea how bad prejudice here can be.  choosing to be ignorant of American history.  I have 73 years of experience.  

those who don't learn the lessons of history are doomed to repeat it.  

they arrogantly take for granted what rights we have that can be taken away in an instant.  and Trump has already said he's the law.  he's demonstrated over and over what he's capable of.  not what he says but what he does.  the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

so i'm making my last days happy.  i puzzled, soaked in the tub, lunched, bingo exercise, home 2:45 game show.  i had lasagna and veg and coconut creme pie.  

THE LAST DEMOCRACY

America is just another of Trump's women to be lied to, cheated on.  Ukraine will fall and Putin will reinstate 'communism' in Europe.  China will be unchecked.  Global Warming will incinerate the planet.  the amusing bit is Elon Musk, Zuckerberg will burn with the rest of us.  all the money in the world won't save anyone.  everyone has the same problems.  

Cooperation creates Heaven.  Contention creates Hell.  You choose.  I choose to continue creating my heaven.  in Heaven there is no need for competition.  everyone has their own personal heaven.  

we're living history.  the children of the world won't know fresh air or clean water until 'civilization' collapses under its own weight.  then the crash of civilization the Apocalypse will reset the world to zero.  

I have extra lasagna meal.  after lunch I biked to warm up then stretched.  I was home at 2:30 for people puzzler.   I cut 2 pieces of pie 1 for now 1 for later.  I heated the burrito.  so good.  

yesterday i left the 6 chocolate donuts (Vote)

today someone left a coconut creme pie.  delicious.  I decided after bingo size to come home for people puzzler.  I looked for book to return to sunny library.  I watched person, place, thing 4 pm.  I stopped at nob hill and bought peanuts, turkey dinner and burritos.  

24 hour turn around I requested how healing works again.  I walked around looked at puzzles.  I could have sewn.  At 6 pm I went to Sprouts and couldn't find anything I wanted not even corn bread.  At home the election results are depressing.  

toddler angst

I woke feeling upset in my toddler belly.  I could see myself lost and forlorn and rejected as a skinny toddler.  chilling, I can see my family enjoying my pain, bonding over my suffering.  my chronic depression was my survival.  whenever I showed happiness I was punished.

any attention is energy.  abuse will keep a child alive, warping and twisting its personality.  neglect is a death sentence.  

after 2 1/2 hours on DMV website and 3 agents 'cause i have to hang up to verify my account with phone code I learned Flora Vista is closed due to asbestos repairs 'til 11/18.  gives me 3 weeks to take the test.  2 weeks to study.  YUCK!!!  oh, well.

cup library-DST

I drove around the library twice along with 30 other cars.  added .4 to my mileage.  I decided to use the walking for my exercise.  I found a car leaving on the corner and backed up.  I walked all over the library and there were no special events but a lot of people were voting.  

it was packed with families and kids running around.  because of daylight savings I got home at 3:30 when I left.  amazing day.  I found the DMV letter from September.  I still can't figure out how to take the online exam.  

11:29 finished my st just lunch

all the lunches mom never made me God is providing.  soaking I remembered I have to renew CDL, AARP, Daily Word.  do I want Real ID?  I don't think so.  I'm enjoying traveling through the Daily Ukulele main library book.  

I love sitting here watching people while listening to healing.  kids are hilarious.  

I started my driver's license renewal.  I don't know what I did with the renewal letter.  I went around and around looking for the online test.  I practiced the samples in car and motorcycle.  

I'm tired and sugar crashing.  I need a hug and I'm alone.  I need to cry and mom beat it out of me.  "I'll give you something to cry about."

Mike Winn sick and dying 10/18.  I'm processing grief.  I've been distracted.  I've been watching the final season of Barney Miller the only series I cared about.  I'm honoring my loneliness an improvement of the terror and humiliation of my childhood.  People who respected and valued their differences.  They loved each other.

the only way to process pain is to allow it to run its course.  everything changes into something else.  I never felt loved by my family.  

i'm hopped up on sugar

The internet wasn't working and naturally I thought it was me.  Justin mentioned everyone complaining and I waited 'til it was fixed.  so much cookies and candies.  i'm so buzzed.  

OMG the safeway cornbread 8x8 has kernels in it.  so good and buttery.  i cut it up into 9 pcs.  i told Walter to get extra chicken for me and he did.  he was anxious from yesterday's trip to Stanford.  the highs and lows.  he deserves happiness.  we all do.  some people's happiness appears as misery to others.