5 minute drive

I TOOK OFF 9;44 AND DROVE 3 MILES IN 5 MINUTES.  AND I WAS STILL THE 2ND CAR IN LINE.  CONES HADN'T BEEN SET UP.  SO LOVELY PEACEFUL IN THE SHADE.  DOWN TO THE JEFFERSON CORNER 10;30. 

I KEEP FEELING I SHOULD BE DOING MORE.  THE CRITICAL VOICES OF MY FAMILY ON A MEMORY TAPE.  IT'S MEMOREX.  THE COMMERCIAL; IS IT LIVE OR IS IT MEMOREX. 

HBO OFFERED 500 HOURS FREE VIEWING.  BUT- MUST REGISTER AND THEN THEY HAVE YOUR INFO.  SO NO.  SOMETIMES FREE ISN'T FREE.  MOM WAS CONDITIONAL.  DO THIS DO THAT.  SHE GAVE MY SISTERS MONEY TO LIE TO HER BUT I HAD TO DEFROST THE FREEZER, WAX THE FLOOR, WASH ALL THE WINDOWS INSIDE AND OUT.  I EARNED MY $5 MONEY.  OMG.  TOMORROW HER BIRTHDAY.  HUH.

feeling frustrated

I'M KEEPING ON AND WAITING FOR THE NEXT LEVEL TO REVEAL ITSELF. 

I'M ROBINSON CRUSOE.  I DID LAUNDRY IN AN ISLAND OF QUIET.  MY AUTISTIC SELF LOVES THE QUIET.   I THINK I'M OVER THE SHOCK OF THE SITUATION.  IT LOOKS LIKE ANOTHER MONTH AT LEAST.   I FEEL LIKE THIS TIME IS FOR MY BENEFIT.  THE LAUNDRY IS 1 MILE FROM VALLEY FAIR.  I JUST DON'T FEEL LIKE SHOPPING.  I HAVE GIFT CARDS TO USE I DON'T WANT TO GO ANYWHERE.  I GUESS THIS IS HOW I WAS AS A CHILD TOO.  I WASN'T ALLOWED TO BE.  I'M LEARNING BEING FOR THE FIRST TIME .  IT'S NEVER TOO LATE TO BE A HAPPY CHILD.

I WAS IN LUNCH LINE BEFORE 10 4TH CAR.  I READ AND RELAXED.  I GOT BIG FISH.  I USED TARTAR VERY SPARINGLY.  COLESLAW MAYO TASTELESS I ADDED  SLICED ALMONDS SUNFLOWER SEEDS.

3 PM I BRUSHED MY TEETH FOR AN APRES LUNCH NAP AND REMEMBERED I LEFT THE LAUNDRY IN THE CAR.  I PUT MY BRACE BACK ON AND HUNG THE CLOTHES NO LONGER SLEEPY.  WATCHED GREEN ACRES FELL ASLEEP.

MADE PENNE AND CRACKED ANOTHER CUP WITH COLD WATER.  OH, WELL. 

this feeling

6 AM LISTENING TO SECRET CD I WOKE FEELING RESISTANCE THROUGHOUT MY BODY.  THAT'S WHAT I'VE LABELED RESTLESS NOT KNOWING WHAT TO DO WITH THIS NEED.  FEELING I HAVE TO DO SOMETHING.  MY PROGRAMMING IS IN MY CELLS THROUGHOUT MY BODY.  NO WONDER CHANGE IS SO HARD.  IT EXTENDS THROUGHOUT MY BODY.  NOT JUST THE BRAIN.  NERVE CELLS AND BRAIN CELLS APPEAR IDENTICAL.

MY BACK HAS PRECLUDED THAT.  MY MUSCLES CONTINUE TO RELAX AND UNLOCK.  I WORE MY ERGONOMIC SANDALS YESTERDAY.  MY BODY WAS REELING FROM THE FEW MINUTES I SPENT ON THE TWISTER.  I WATCHED THE COMMERCIAL FOR EXERCISE AND THOUGHT WHY NOT. 

I WENT TO WALMART FOR GUM AND BOUGHT HALF ROTISSERIE CHICKEN 2.25.  WHOLE CHICKEN 7.97.  MUST BE DIFFERENT SIZED CHICKEN.  I WENT ON TO VALLEY FAIR SAFEWAY.  I GUESS THE EPITOME OF WEALTH IS I DON'T NEED TO REDEEM WHAT I DON'T WANT.  I GOT MORE GAME PIECES.

MY LEFT ARM IS WEAK AND SHAKY.  DON'T KNOW IF IT'S MY NECK, SHOULDER, BACK OR WHAT.  MAYBE I'M NOT DOING AS MUCH.

restless

i spent a fitful night.  sciatica acting up. 

lack of exercise and overdoing at the same time.  oh, well.

don't know what i want to do

i may free associate.  i've been listening to secret 2 cd while watching tv and doing word search puzzles.

now i'm obsessing going to burger king.  do i, don't i.  when.  almost like a job.  something to think about.  to do.  occupy my brain.  i want to watch medium on tv at 11.

like mystery shows engage the brain.  mom used keno machines.  i use word search puzzles.  i could practice writing with my other hand.  i used the twister to exercise.  i think i use the pedals unevenly. 

i have all that lettuce.  yesterday i drained off the oil of the canned adobo tuna and made a salad with 5 grain rice thins.  i forgot to add sliced almonds.  it was delicious.

COURSE IN MIRACLES HEALER'S PRAYER 24
I NEED NOT WORRY ABOUT WHAT TO SAY...OR DO.  HE WHO SENT ME WILL DIRECT ME.

don't won't

IF NOT FOR MY COMMITMENT TO SENIORS I'D STAY HOME.  REMINDS ME OF MY TIME BEDRIDDEN.  I'D HAVE TO GET RIDES FOR GROCERIES AND DOCTOR APPOINTMENTS.  I COULDN'T SIT IN A CHAIR OR STAND IN PLACE.  MY BACK WAS SHOT.  I COULD FEEL THE VERTEBRA COMPRESSING.  MY BLOOD PRESSURE AND SUGAR WOULD DROP, I'D FEEL LIKE PASSING OUT.  I'D FEEL LIKE I WAS DYING. 

10;16 LUNCH LINE TO JACKSON.

SCU SAFEWAY 5 FREE DONUTS AND A FISTFUL OF GAME PIECES.. TOOK ME 'TIL 11 TO OPEN.  I CONSIDERED TAKING TO TOKI BUT  NOT TODAY.  I THOUGHT OF GOING TO BK FOR DINNER AND INSTEAD WENT STRAIGHT HOME FOR BATHROOM.  I FORGOT ABOUT SATURDAY BAGEL 2 SANDWICHES.  MAYBE BK TOMORROW.  I HAVE PANERA GIFT CARD TOO. 

I'M WEARING MY NEW STRETCH DENIM LONG SKIRT.  FITS LIKE A GLOVE.

didn't FEEL like it

I'M WORKING ON A 3 X STRETCH DENIM SKIRT.  I THOUGHT I'D TURN IT INTO A DRESS BUT THE A SYMETRICAL FLARE MAKES IT TOO BUSY.  SO I'M TAKING IT IN.  I TOOK OFF 2 BELT LOOPS AND DON'T KNOW WHERE I PUT THEM.  I MAY LEAVE ALL OFF.  IT WILL BE PERFECT HOUSE DRESS.

I FOUND THE BELT LOOPS IN THE BACK POCKET.

I'M FEELING TIRED BUT IT FEELS OLD.  NOT CURRENT.  I DREAMED LARRY LEFT CANDLE BURNING IN MY OLD ROOM. IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY LAST FRIDAY.  I FELT BADLY THAT AILEEN USED HIM HORRIBLY.

OOPS.  NO INTERNET CONNECTION ON HARRISON.

I'M WAITING SENIOR LUNCH LINE.  I DON'T KNOW WHY I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE WRITING YESTERDAY.  MAYBE MY TRIP TO TOKI.
IT DID DISAPPEAR.  MUST HAVE BEEN WHEN I PUBLISHED AND OPENED NEW PAGE.

thin air

disappeared.  maybe i did revert to draft.  nope.  i don't know how i erased the post and title and left the blank page.

WATCHING THE NEWS

AFTER DAD DIED '99 MOM FREAKED ONE MORNING NOT KNOWING WHAT DAY IT WAS.  I TOLD HER ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS TURN ON THE NEWS.  AILEEN HAD BEEN CAMPAIGNING AGAINST ME TELLING MOM TO KICK ME OUT BUT REFUSED TO TAKE MOM IN.  SO I HELPED HER ORGANIZE HER PAPERWORK.  HOPE I EASED HER MIND.

I'VE EXPERIENCED THE SAME WAKING UP.  I WOKE 2 AM WITH DREAM IN HEAVEN.  IT'S FUNNY HOW PEOPLE SEE THEMSELVES.  I WONDER WHY WE DON'T DREAM OF LOOKING IN THE MIRROR. 

I'M STILL TRYING TO THINK OF WHAT TO GET TOKI.  SHE MAKES FULLY PACKED INCREDIBLY DELICIOUS SOUP.  SHE'S SO JAPANESE SHE ALWAYS APOLOGIZES FOR THE SOUP WHEN I TELL HER HOW DELICIOUS.  MAYBE ENVY APPLES.OR RICE SHOPPING BAG I MADE. 

weird dream

I GO TO CONCERT SAN FRANCISCO W/ TOM CARRYING BACKPACK.  WE GET SEPARATED I RUN INTO BILL.  HE'S VERY SWEET.  HE CROSSES STREET TO CATHEDRAL TURNS INTO TOAD, HOPS OFF.  I CHECK BACKPACK.  I HAVE SNACKS, WATER, MAP AND MONEY TO GET HOME.  I CHECK OUT FRONT ENTRY, MEET GIRL FRIEND WHO GETS ME IN BY WAY OF METAL TUNNEL.  I'M GLAD I'M WEARING STRETCHY JEANS AND SNEAKERS.  I EXPLORE CATHEDRAL LOOKING FOR POTTY AND FIND TOM SITTING WITH DAVE BURROUGHS.

THIS WAS MY CHILDHOOD

I'M FEELING DISCONNECTED.  I HAD NO RIGHTS, PRIVACY, PERSONAL LIFE.  NO LIFE.  I WAS ISOLATED THEN.  MY FAMILY HAD LIVES.  MOM DAD WORKED, HAD FRIENDS.  MITZI, AILEEN HAD FRIENDS.  I WASN'T ALLOWED.  THEIR SUCCESSES WERE LAUDED WHILE MY SUCCESSES DENIGRATED, LABELED LUCK.  AND THEN MY SUCCESSES APPROPRIATED AS THEIR SUCCESSES.

I WANT TO GET BACK TO MY PROJECTS.  I WANT TO RUN AWAY FROM MY FEELINGS.

WATCHED SOME CONCENTRATION.  LEFT HOME 10;20 ARRIVED SENIORS LUNCH LINE 10;25 GREEN LIGHTS.  WITHIN 10 MINUTES 6 CARS BEHIND ME.  LOVELY 60o OVERCAST DAY.  I FEEL I SHOULD BE DOING SOMETHING.  I TOOK OUT GARBAGE.  THERE'S SO MUCH MORE WITHOUT RETURNING IT TO SENIORS.

I'M CONTINUING TO ORGANIZE AND SORT.  LIKE THINGS THAT WERE JUMBLED TOGETHER ARE NOW LOVED.  THAT TO ME IS EVERYTHING IN ITS PLACE.  I'LL BE LOVED WHEN I FIND MY PLACE.  WHEN I'M IN MY PLACE. 

I'M FEELING LONELY FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE.  I WAS ALWAYS PUT UPON BY MY FAMILY WAITING FOR THE NEXT GIMME.  THAT'S GONE.  THE UNIVERSE HATES A VACUUM.  I'LL HAVE TO CONSCIOUSLY FILL IT OR TAKE MY CHANCES WHICH I CHOOSE NOT TO GAMBLE WITH MY LIFE HAPPINESS.  I NEVER BEFORE BELIEVED I DESERVED IT.  I NEVER HAD TIME TO CONSIDER.  THEY BATTERED ME PHYSICALLY AND EMOTIONALLY.  I NEVER BEFORE HAD A CHANCE WITH THEM ALWAYS DRAGGING ME DOWN SO THEY COULD FEEL SUPERIOR.

TOM ASKED ME LONG TIME AGO ABOUT FEELING LONELY.  MOSTLY I FELT GLAD MY FAMILY WAS LEAVING ME ALONE.  WE HAVE THE CHOICE OF RUNNING AWAY OR TOWARD.  TODAY I WANT TO CHOOSE TOWARD.  LIKE LUNCH.  I ENJOYED PUZZLING AND BEING ABLE TO CHOOSE WHO I INTERACTED WITH AT SENIORS. 

today tom lester-eb dawson died.  green acres 6 years of tv joy.  i feel sad.

fear

WHAT CAN I SAY.  ANOTHER LEVEL.  AND I FEEL IT'S AN OLD NAMELESS, WORDLESS FEAR.  A PRE VERBAL FEAR.  MAYBE IN UTERO CHEMICAL FEAR.

ISOLATION IS STAYING IN WITH NO DISTRACTIONS, NO ONE ELSE TO BLAME FOR THEIR LIVES.  SO PROTESTERS ARE BLAMING WHISTLE BLOWERS FOR THEIR LIVES.  A PRESIDENT TRUMP WORLD UTERUS.  EVERYONE FEELING BASIC FEAR.  EACH AND EVERYONE AN ISLAND OF FEAR. 

SO MUCH OF TV PROGRAMMING IS GEARED TO REMOVING FEAR, EXPLOITING FEAR, EMOTIONS.  TRUMP SUCCEEDED TO THE PRESIDENCY BY EXPLOITING PEOPLES FEAR.  APPEALING TO EMOTIONS LIKE GREED.  MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN.  AND WHAT HAS HE DONE TO ACCOMPLISH THAT, NOTHING BUT LINE THE POCKETS OF THE RICH.  AND WHAT IS THAT ALMIGHTY DOLLAR WORTH IN THE PANDEMIC.  CAN'T ENSURE SURVIVAL. 

i'm listening

I'VE BEEN UP SINCE 8.  I'M STAYING UP LATER.  WHEN I WAS PAIN RACKED I'D BE EXHAUSTED BY 8-9.  NOW I WAKE TO STIFFNESS DUE TO SLOWER CIRCULATION.  PAIN=INFLAMMATION.  I'M RUNNING COOLER.

I OPENED TWO CANS TUNA (I JUST FIGURED OUT WHY PEOPLE OMIT PREPOSITIONS IN SPEECH.  LAZY OR MORE EFFICIENT.  YOU DECIDE.)  FOR SANDWICH AND CREAMED.  I COOKED THE FOUR RED POTATOES.  I HAVE LOTS OF MILK.  I SLICED/CHOPPED UP SOME LETTUCE.

LITTLE BY LITTLE I'M CLEARING, CLEANING, AND USING WHAT I HAVE.  MY SEWING PROJECTS TOO.  I WAIT FOR INSPIRATION.  I'M PLASTIC BAGGING BY PROJECT.   I'M WEARING IMPOSSIBLE PINK EMBROIDERED MILITARY JACKET.  MAKES ME FEEL PRETTY.  I HAD TO TAKE IT APART.  I HAD IT FOR YEARS.  MUST HAVE BEEN PROTOTYPE.  COULDN'T GET INTO IT. 

I'M WATCHING FATHER DOWLING MARATHON.  DON'T LIKE TOM BOSLEY'S VOICE AND SPEECH PATTERNS BUT ENJOY TRACY NELSON (RICK NELSON) DESPITE HER VOICE PITCH.

LEE ALBERT PBS 3 STEPS TO PAIN FREE LIVING.  THE SIMPLE MECHANICS OF PAIN.

smelling the roses

LYING IN BED I ADMIRE THE PLUMERIA HAIR CLIPS CATHY GAVE ME SURROUNDING MY CALENDAR, THE BRACELET, 3 CASES BOTTLED WATER.  SHE GETS ME.  SHE CARES ABOUT ME.  SHE KNEW ME MAYBE 6 MONTHS.  SO IT ISN'T ME IT'S THEM.  EVERY ONE IN MY LIFE HAS BEEN A REPEAT OF MY FAMILY.

I'M TOTALLY APPRECIATING MY CREATURE COMFORTS.  AND MY OATMEAL JERKY COMBINATION.

I COULDN'T DECIDE WHETHER TO BUY NICOTINE GUM TODAY WHEN I PAID PGE AT WALMART SO I DIDN'T.  I DID GET LETTUCE $1.38.  I DROVE TO VF SAFEWAY TO GET FREEBIES AND WAS TOLD NO PERSONAL SHOPPING BAGS BUT THEN HE DIDN'T BAG MY LIP BALM, POPCORN, SPAGHETTI, DRY LIMA BEANS.  THE WEIRDO.  AND ONLY 4 TICKETS.  GAME ENDS 5/5.  ALSO I ASKED ABOUT SINGLE DOUGHNUT COUPONS TOWARD SEALED BOXES.  HE SAID NO.  GLAD I DIDN'T REDEEM FREE TICKETS FROM HIM.

DAILY WORD DIVINE ORDER.  I'M PLAYING PCH ONLINE QUIZZES AND RACKING UP POINTS.

another sleepless night

OF PAIN FILLED MEMORIES LEECHING OUT OF THE BODY.  I'M GRATEFUL TO RID MYSELF OF THE PAIN.  AILEEN STOLE MY HOPE CHEST WHILE I WAS BEDRIDDEN, SOLD IT DURING HER FORDHAM GARAGE SALE MITZI HELPED HER.  Mitzi suggesting I have a garage sale to clear Aileen's rejects is so insulting.  I'M WITHOUT WORDS.  MY HOPES AND DREAMS, CHINA, CRYSTAL, FLATWARE, LAMPS, 35 YEARS OF COLLECTIBLES, ETC.  DAD INSISTED I STORE MY LIFE ON THE PATIO.  I DIDN'T REALIZE TO RUMMAGE THROUGH.

I TOOK 2 WHITE WILLOW AND GRAPEFRUIT JUICE.  I'LL EAT SOME TOO.  GOD PROVIDES 1 ALREADY PEELED 1 STILL IN TRUNK.

I WENT TO HOMESTEAD SAFEWAY TO REDEEM MONOPOLY FREEBIES.  SELF CHECK WON'T TAKE COUPONS SO I GOT 13 GAME PIECES SELF CHECK SHORTED ME 1.  I LET IT GO AND WENT THROUGH THE LINE AND PICKED UP 44/ 7.

GOOD ONLINE RECEPTION ON HARRISON ZERO ON JEFFERSON WAITING IN LUNCH LINE.  TINY CREAM TUNA, COLD BISCUIT, TINY LETTUCE CUP.  ALLERGIC TO CANTALOUPE.

LEGS, BACK, BUTT SO SORE.  MORE WHITE WILLOW. MY PAIN IS SO BAD MY STOMACH IS UPSET OR MAYBE THE NERVES.

TURNED INTO A GOOD DAY.  I WORE THE NEW DENIM DRESS I TOOK THE UGLY SLEEVES OFF, TOOK IN THE UNDER ARMS.  I LOVE NEW CLOTHES.  THE FABRIC FEELS SO GOOD.  FEELS LIKE IT WILL LAST FOREVER.  I LIKE OLD SOFT WORN CLOTHES TOO BUT I KNOW THEY WON'T LAST FOREVER.

I MADE OATMEAL WITH JERKY.  SO GOOD.  I HAVE JERKY I BOUGHT ON SALE THAT I KEEP FORGETTING TO EAT.  NOW I'LL REMEMBER.  AND I KNOW WHY I BOUGHT SO MUCH. 

 

ouchy

PUSHED MY LIMITS.  I'M FEELING IT BIG TIME.  I'LL JUST KEEP PUTTING ONE FOOT AND THEN THE OTHER FOOT. 

WOKE 6 IN PAIN.  I'VE BEEN PRETTY GOOD.  TODAY REMINDS ME.

I WANTED YAM FOR BREAKFAST SO I'M COOKING IN MICROWAVE.  OR I COULD OPEN A CAN.  HM....   I COOKED IT COVERED WITH WATER 7 TO BOIL 10 MINUTES MEDIUM.  PERFECTLY DELICIOUS.

PICKED UP LUNCH, ATE IT WATCHING MEDIUM.  I FINALLY FIGURED OUT MY FASCINATION WITH CRIME MAKES MY SISTERS' TREATMENT OF ME RELATIVELY BETTER. 

xiaoke

pat and mike

A LOT OF FOOD FOR THOUGHT.  MOVIES FASCINATE ME.  THE ACTORS AND THEN THEIR REAL LIVES.  MAYBE WHY MOVIES ARE SO POPULAR.  FICTION IS POPULAR.

OUR BRAINS MUST BE HARDWIRED FOR FICTION OR WE'D STILL BE LIVING IN CAVES.  WE TAKE WHAT IS AND IMAGINE WHAT CAN BE.  I THINK IMAGINATION IS WHAT DIFFERENTIATES MAN FROM OTHER ANIMALS.

I SAW 'ALFALFA' AS A BUSBOY AND CHECKED ON WIKIPEDIA TO VERIFY.  WHAT A SAD LIFE.  SHOT TO DEATH AT 31.  I'D SEEN HIM IN A FEW MOVIES AND ALWAYS WONDERED.  THEN I LOOKED UP ALDO RAY.  FASCINATING HOW PEOPLE BECAME ACTORS AND HOW THEY END.

 I'M LYING IN BED LISTENING TO SECRET II CD READING ABOUT HOW OTHERS CHOOSE TO LIVE THEIR LIVES.  HEAVEN.  AN HOUR GOES BY.

HEAVEN=DOING WHAT I WANT WHEN I WANT.  FREEDOM.

let's see what 24th holds.

I GOT TO SENIORS 10;39 AND LONG LINE.  I HAVE LOTS OF TOYS TO PLAY WITH, SNACKS, JUICE, WATER.  AFTER PICK UP I WENT TO HOMESTEAD SAFEWAY, 85 GAME PIECES FOR 3 SALADS, CLEARANCE; TOMATOES, CANNED CHICKEN.  FREE VINEGAR.

I FEEL I'VE LIVED 2 DAYS TODAY. 

I GOT MY COVID CHECK YESTERDAY.  I CHECKED MY ACCOUNT.  JUST IN TIME FOR MY FOOD.  I HAVEN'T HEARD FROM EITHER EASTER CARD. 

8 YRS BED RIDDEN

BEEN HERE BEFORE.  THIS TIME I'M HEALTHY AND PROCESSING THE PAST.  I'M MOBILE. 

I MIXED THE FLAVORED OATMEAL 2/1.  IT'S OK.  I'M EMOTIONALLY EXHAUSTED.  I DO LITTLE THINGS DAILY AND CLEARING HOME AS I PROCESS MEMORIES. 

I DON'T EXPECT MITZI OR AILEEN TO CHANGE.  I STILL HOPE THOUGH.  I WANT TO STOP HOPING.  IT HURTS TOO MUCH.  I CAN ONLY REMIND MYSELF THEY'RE NOT MY FAMILY.  I HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM THEM. 

I HAVE TO GO TARGET BEFORE SENIORS.  MAYBE TOMORROW.  MAYBE NOT.

I'VE STARTED MY TAILORING PROJECTS AGAIN.  MAKING MY LIFE PERFECT. 

I WANT HEAVEN

I SLEPT SO SOUNDLY LISTENING ALL NIGHT TO CD.  I KEPT WAKING HAPPILY AND RETURNING.  EVERYONE DESERVES THAT HAPPINESS.  IF EVERYONE WERE HAPPY THERE' BE NO GREED OR STRIFE.  MY PHILOSOPHY SINCE 8 YRS OLD. 

FELT PRETTY GOOD STRETCHING NO BRACE ALL DAY SO DRESSED, DID BINS AND WENT MARIA SAFEWAY 2 SEAFOOD SALADS, FREE FOIL, TRAIL MIX.  11 GAME FOR 2.  $V PADS, NEWSPAPER, ONE A DAY. 

IT WORKED

I CAN WRITE AND VIEW 2 SEPARATE TABS.  I LOVE THE WAY IT LOOKS.

I HAD 2 LUCID DREAMS.  BOTH DAD ORIENTED.  QUARANTINE IS ALL ABOUT INTROSPECTION.

THE DAY WAS OVERCAST AND SO WAS I.  I SPENT AN HOUR LOOKING FOR MY COIN PENDANT.  I STAYED SO BUSY I FORGOT MY NICOTINE.  I DID A LITTLE TIDYING WITHOUT A BELT AND DID STRETCHING.  I FEEL GOOD.

66.4 HAD WESTERNS ALL DAY.  SO MANY MOVIES I'VE NEVER HEARD OF.  MOVIES CHANNEL IS 24 HOUR.  DAD LOVED WESTERNS.

MITZI BECAME MOM

THEY DELIGHT IN THREATS AND INTIMIDATION, FEAR BASED DEPENDENCY.  I PRAY FOR HER.  I HAVE NO IDEA IF SHE HAS ANY HUMAN FEELINGS OR IF SHE'S ONLY PROFIT MOTIVATED.  MITZI IS LIVING MOM'S IDEAL LIFE.  MOM ALWAYS ACCUSED AILEEN OF BEING BOY CRAZY.  MOM WAS THE BOY CRAZY ONE.

AILEEN IS DAD.  SNEAKY FEAR FILLED SCHADENFREUDE.  ALL 4 DELIGHTING IN THE MISFORTUNE OF OTHERS. 

I COULDN'T LIVE WITH MYSELF WITH THE NASTY CHEMICALS GENERATED BY THAT LIFESTYLE.  HOW CAN PEOPLE NOT SEE THE CONNECTION BETWEEN CAUSE AND EFFECT WHEN IT'S ALL AROUND US.  OBVIOUS.
***********************
ORGANIZING MY NOTEBOOKS I FOUND A 2006 MERCURY NEWS BOOK REVIEW 'ISOLATION NATION' ABOUT JAPAN'S QUEST FOR MEDIOCRITY AND THE SOCIAL UNREST FOR THE YOUNGER GENERATION.  INDIVIDUALITY IS DISCOURAGED. 

AMERICA IS GREAT BECAUSE OF THE INDIVIDUAL AND SUPPORT OF NEW IDEAS.  THE INCLUSION OF NEW COMBINATIONS ALLOWS FOR INNOVATION AND INVENTION. 

SO MY SCAPEGOAT IMPOSED ISOLATION IS CULTURAL.

WORKING MY WAY OUT

WHEN I WAS MARRIED I DID EVERYTHING POSSIBLE TO STAY MARRIED.  ALMOST DROVE MYSELF CRAZY.  FOR A WHILE I WAS CRAZY BELIEVING I COULD SAVE MY MARRIAGE.  THEN I REALIZED I DIDN'T HAVE A MARRIAGE.  I'D BEEN LIVING IN A TISSUE PAPER CASTLE OF LIES.  I DIDN'T HAVE A HUSBAND I HAD A SON 6 YEARS OLDER THAN ME.

PART OF IT WAS THE POT.  WHEN WE MET IN COLLEGE I SMOKED SOCIALLY.  I THINK ONE REASON HE MARRIED ME WAS I NEVER OUT OF POT.  I WAS AN EXCELLENT HOMEMAKER.  HE TRIED SELLING IT BUT JUST SMOKED IT ALL HIMSELF.  FIRST THING IN THE MORNING LAST THING AT NIGHT.  AND I WAS SO SELF SUFFICIENT WHEN WE MARRIED HE QUIT HIS JOB.  HE IMMEDIATELY FORGOT HOW TO COOK, DO LAUNDRY, SHOP, CLEAN.  HE BECAME COMPLETELY DEPENDENT AND I BECAME TOO BUSY WORKING, GOING TO SCHOOL, TAKING CARE OF BILLS.  WE'D FIGHT ONCE A MONTH, HE'D PROMISE TO DO BETTER AND I WAS TOO COMMITTED TO STAYING MARRIED.

TEN YEARS LATER DURING COUPLES COUNSELING I REALIZED HE'D SPENT ALL HIS TIME AND ENERGY CHEATING ON ME.  HE WAS SO GOOD AT LYING HE CONVINCED THE PhD COUNSELOR IT WAS MY FAULT.  MADE ME FEEL LESS STUPID SINCE I ONLY HAD A BACHELOR DEGREE.  DR. ELINOR MILNE FOUND OUT WHEN HE ANNOUNCED HIS SOLUTION TO REBUILD OUR MARRIAGE WAS QUITTING COUNSELING AFTER TWO YEARS AND GOING TO THE MOVIES ONCE A WEEK.  LASTED ONE WEEK AND I STARTED DIVORCE RESEARCH.

IT STARTED ME SEARCHING FOR ANSWERS TO MY DISASTROUS MARRIAGE.  I KNEW I'M SMARTER THAN THAT AND I'D HAVE TO HELP MYSELF.  I WAS A RAGING CO-DEPENDENT.  I'M STILL LEARNING TO BE INTER-DEPENDENT.

AND ONCE AGAIN I HAVE TO EXTRICATE MYSELF FROM THE SOURCE OF MY PROBLEMS; MY FAMILY.
***************************
10;43 LONG LINE FOR THURS, GOOD FRI, SAT MEALS.  AND I HAVE SVP MEDIUM SIGNAL.

NOON COVID UPDATE CAL GOVERNOR NEWSOM FISHING SEASON POSTPONED AND ADDITIONAL ONLINE SUPPORT AND HOT SPOTS.  MAKING MITZI'S EXCUSE TO RUMMAGE BOGUS.

SVP IS BACK

SIGNAL SEEMS STRONGER THAN BEFORE.

I DREAMED OF MOSQUITOES  TRYING TO BITE ME IN MY SLEEP.  THE BLOODSUCKERS.  THE ISOLATION IS WORSE FOR THEM.  I'VE BEEN OSTRACIZED BY THEM MY WHOLE LIFE.  MUCH MORE PAINFUL WHEN IT'S THE GENETIC FAMILY SCAPEGOATING.  THEY HAVE EVERYONE ISOLATING TOGETHER. 

I ATE TOO SWEET PACKAGED OATMEAL.  TUMMY ACHE.  I THINK I MAY HAVE HAD VIRUS IN JANUARY.   OLD VET ON NEWS DESCRIBED SYMPTOMS GINNY HAD IN JANUARY.  TIRED NO APPETITE.  MAYBE DIFFERENT MUTATION.  GRAPEFRUIT WATER FIX ME RIGHT UP.

10;38 sitting waiting in lunch line.  Tomorrow we're to get 3 days since Good Friday holiday.

cscpublic

I'VE BEEN OFFLINE AND SUFFERING WITHDRAWAL.  PLENTY OF TIME TO THINK.

WATCHED LOVE ACTUALLY AND IT'S OK.  2003 THE YEAR THE EXPLORATORY LASER SURGERY AND FALSE CANCER SCARE.  AND MITZI SNEAKING TO MY PRE-OP AND EMBARRASSING ME BY REFUSING TO DRIVE ME SAID TO KAISER DOCTOR MELISSA ESTES.

SHE CALLED LAST NIGHT ASKING IF I WANTED ANYTHING.  YEAH, RIGHT.  SHE'S NEVER NEVER GIVEN ANYTHING I WANTED 100%.  SAID SHE WANTED MOM DAD ASHES AND FISHING GEAR.  SHE ONLY WANTS MY STUFF.  SHE WANTS TO SHOP THROUGH MY STUFF.  AGAIN.

holy

OK I WENT TO WALMART FOR GUM 10 MNUTES, STAR DEPOSIT EASY, HAD AN HOUR TO PLAY AND FOUND FREE LIP BALM VF SAFEWAY BOUGHT CLEARANCE CHOCOLATE CROISSANTS, 4 GAME PIECES FREE HOT DOG BUNS AND 6 OZ TRAIL MIX, IN LUNCH LINE10;38.  WHEW.  LUNCH TINY BBQ BEEF SLOPPY JOE, SALAD.  I LEFT RICE CHILI IN MICROWAVE LAST NIGHT SO DINNER TONIGHT.

SO I'M HOME WATCHING RERUNS OF MEDIUM AND MONK MARATHON.  THEY'VE ALWAYS MADE ME FEEL LESS ALONE UNLIKE MY FAMILY WHO WENT OUT OF THEIR WAY TO MAKE ME FEEL OSTRACIZED.  OH, OSTRICH. 

I WENT ONLINE PAID PROP TAX.  COULDN'T REMEMBER FOLDER SO CREATED NEW, FOUND OLD UNDER 'PROP TAX'.  OK I'M PANICKING A LITTLE.

I'VE NEVER HAD THE FREEDOM TO WAKE AT 8 FEELING SO RELAXED.  AND EVERYTHING IS RELAXED.  I'M RELAXED FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE WITHOUT HAVING TO CONSCIOUSLY FORCE MYSELF TO RELAX MY MUSCLES CLEAR MY MIND.. 

FEELS WEIRD.

pesto

3 jars i thought were sweet relish are basil pesto.

TRY THIS AGAIN.  I WROTE OUT MY MORNING AND SOMEHOW ERASED IT.  8;30 I DECIDED TO GO TO COSTCO TO CHECK PRICE CASE OF WATER.  5 DOLLARS A CASE INCLUDING CRV.  I'M DELIBERATING SENDING CATHY CASH.  I'LL DEFINITELY SEND THE WRIST WALLET.  AUNTIE TOMIE TOO.  9-10 IS SENIORS AND HANDICAPPED ONLY SHOPPING.  PARKING GOOD.  WALKED TO THE BACK OF STORE.  GOT IN EXERCISE.

I DECIDED TO PAY CITIBANK. CHECKED DOLLAR STORE.  WITHDREW CHASE, MISSION CU CLOSED.  ONLY ATM.  FROM CAR I CALLED STAR.  LOBBY OPEN LIMITING NUMBERS COVID DISTANCING.  YOUNG MAN PULLED UP I ROLLED DOWN WINDOW TO GIVE HIM 411 AND HE CAN USE ASSOCIATE BANKING AND LOCATIONS.  BY THEN 10;45.  I GOT IN LINE FOR SENIOR PICK UP IN MY FAVORITE ONLY SHADY SPOT.  I READ DAILY WORD ORGANIZED BILLS.  I CONSIDERED GOING TO STAR BUT I'M ALREADY SORE AND TIRED.  I ORGANIZED 9;30-11;30 LAST NIGHT.  I FELT WEIRDLY ENERGIZED. 

NAP ATTACK.