commitments

I DON'T KNOW WHY I FEEL OBLIGATED TO SUPPORT T.  HABIT I GUESS.  I'M TRAINED TO HELP. 

I DON'T KNOW.

MINE ALL MINE

DW-PROSPERITY

I NOW KNOW WHERE TAB BUTTON GOES.  TO PUBLISH, SAVE, PREVIEW.  I DIDN'T WANT IT TO CLOSE.

YESTERDAY'S ENERGY WAS MINE.   TODAY I FEEL SOOOO DIFFERENT.

EMAIL MYSTERY STARTED WITH YAHOO SAYING DUE TO UNUSUAL ACTIVITY I HAD TO USE EXALTED TO PROVE MYSELF.

THE CONTINUED TROUBLE WITH YAHOO MAIL WAS PARTLY MY DOING.  IT DIDN'T WANT TO LET ME INTO SIMPLY AND THEN EXALTED; AND I HAD FLASHBACKS OF THE LAST TIME IT HAPPENED THAT WASN'T MY FAULT AT ALL.  I FORGOT MY PASSWORD TO EXALTED.  THEN I WENT REVSUSAN AND STRAIGHTENED THAT OUT.

AND THEN I GOT INTO SIMPLY NO PROBLEM.  GO FIGURE. 

ROSE MARIE GAVE ME COMPLETE NICE PAPER. 
 

WEIRD ENERGY

AND IT'S MINE ALL MINE; OR IS IT????

EVILSIS STOLE MY SUPPS LAST FRI.  FIRST I NOTICED THE FRONT DOOR STUCK AND THEN SUNDAY MY FISH OIL WAS MISSING.  SO SUNDAY I WENT $V AFTER G2.

AND TODAY I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH EMAILS. 

I JUST NOTICED EVILSIS / ELVIS.

THE WAY MY BRAIN TRACKS.

MY DREAM THIS AM @ MLIB AND PAYING $100 FOR STUFF.  $10 WORTH OF COPIES.

DEFINITELY WINNER

I ACKNOWLEDGE MY ENNUI IS CYCLICAL.  OH WELL.  INSTEAD OF INTERFERING I SHALL ALLOW MY ENNUI TO PLAY OUT, RUN ITS COURSE AND SEE.


I'M AT THE MLIB.  I PUZZLED UNTIL 4PM-87o DAY.  I'M STAYING COOL.  YESTERDAY I ATE A BURGER W/RED CLOVER SPROUTS.  THEY WERE LUCKY'S MGR SPECIAL SUNDAY.  AND HEALING.  DETOX.  ALSO VERY GOOD.  I CAN HAVE THE SAME TODAY.  I CAN HAVE ANYTHING I WANT.  WHEN I HAVE WHAT I WANT I DON'T GRAZE.  I STOP EATING.  NO NEED TO SEEK MORE.

I STOPPED AT THE FRONT TABLE TO ENQUIRE AND READ A SHORT SURVEY.  IN RETURN I GOT A METAL H2O BOTTLE AND WALLET.

I CONSIDERED GOING TO CAMPBELLIB AND RESTED INSTEAD.  SO MUCH BETTER THAN FORCING MYSELF.  THE NEW ME.  I'VE RELEASED THE FAMILY ABUSE.  I CAN GO TOMORROW OR THURSDAY. 

HURRAY!!

BIRTH BLUES?

THE END/BEGINNING OF THE MONTH I GET SAD.  BECAUSE I WAS BORN?  I ONLY KNOW MY BODY REACTS WITH DREAD. 

ALL MEMORY IS BODY MEMORY.  SOME CONSCIOUS-TRIVIA-FACTS.  MOST AMBULATORY.  MOST MEMORY IS SET IN THE MUSCLES FOR SURVIVAL.  WE CAN REACT VISCERALLY FASTER THAN A THOUGHT.  (WOW, I CHECKED SPELLING AND I DID IT ALL RIGHT.  GOOD GUESSING.) 

I HAVE NO CONSCIOUS REASON FOR DREAD AND YET I FEEL.

ADULT ENNUI

I'M FEELING ENNUI.  AND I NEED TO CHANGE IT TO PEACE OR I'M CREATING UNCONSCIOUS DRAMA. 

GRATITUDE IS GOOD.

I SAW A WOMAN FIND A QUARTER SECONDS BEFORE ME AND I HAD TO DISCIPLINE MY SELF TO BLESS HER.  IT'S ALL GOOD. 

IT'S WORKING

SO FAR SO GOOD.

ELECTRIC

I FEEL ELECTRIC, I SING THE BODY ELECTRIC.  SONG IS THE ULTIMATE VIBRATION.  MUSIC IS THE RECOGNITION THAT ELECTRONS ARE IN CONSTANT MOTION.  THAT THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE IS IN PERPETUAL MOTION.

RUNNING

RUNNING AWAY IS RUNNING TOWARDS SOMETHING ELSE, HOPEFULLY BETTER.

I DECIDED AFTER TALKING TO T TO GO WITH SCOTT-THE DEVIL I KNOW.  I ALREADY KNOW HE DIDN'T DO THE JOB RIGHT THE FIRST $500 OR SECOND TIME.  T THINKS THIRD TIME AND $1K WILL DO THE TRICK.  HE'S KICKING IN HIS FEE. 

I CAN GO TO CAMPBELL TODAY.  I GUESS I WILL.  YESTERDAY I WENT TO COSTCO AND NO CHERRIES SO I GOT SLICED ALMONDS $3.53/LB AND WALNUTS FOR SURE NO BUGS.  I THOUGHT THEY GOT IN BUT MORE LIKELY I BOUGHT THEM WITH BUGS FROM BINS.

SO I WILL BUY SEALED BAGS FROM NOW ON.  NO MORE.

I'M FEELING BETTER NOW THAN 2:47 THIS AM.  DAD'S ANXIETY.  MOM ALWAYS SAYING THEY DIDN'T WANT TO BE A BURDEN AND ALWAYS DOING LIFE THE HARD BURDENSOME WAY.  DAD SO LAZY.  I SUPPOSE THE REASON I LIKE BEING ME FREE TO CHOOSE WHAT AND WHO I WANT TO BE.  I KNOW THE OUTCOME OF SLOTH.  A DEADLY SIN AND BOY IS THAT ACCURATE.  INACTIVITY LEADS TO A SLOW PAINFILLED DEATH.  UNHAPPINESS.  OUR BODIES ARE DESIGNED TO MOVE. 

OR WE WOULD BE BOULDERS.

SCOTT-TU 9/19

CALLED HIM TO ACKNOWLEDGE HIS NO MS LAST FRI.  HIS IDEA FOR FIX  ESTIMATE:NEW FLASHING AROUND BASE 2X4'S $1K.  HE HAS NO IDEA HOW TALL THE COVER IS.  HE SAID IT'S STANDARD HEIGHT WHATEVER THAT IS.  I CALLED AND LEFT MS WITH VALERI SUNLIGHT CONCEPTS "LET US LIGHT YOUR LIFE."  I WANT TO GO CHECK OUT SHOWROOM 1130 WALSH.

MY STOMACHE.  STINKYSMELLYMAN WATCHING ALINA QUEST FOR MUSCLE.  CARTOON NUDE.  WELL NAMED.

HAPPY THURSDAY TO ME

I ATE WITH THE LADIES TWO DAYS.  I AVOIDED JT!!!  HURRAY!!!!

I FEEL CAPABLE AND A TINY BIT APPREHENSIVE.  I'M NOT USED TO BEING HAPPY WITHOUT THE FAMILY PUNISHING ME AND THE LEARNED BEHAVIOR.

IF I WANT A DIFFERENT LIFE I HAVE TO LIVE A DIFFERENT LIFE.

MY ATTITUDE MUST EVOLVE FOR MY LIFE TO EVOLVE.

FREE-DW

JEANIE'S CHICK SAND CHEERED ME UP IMMENSLY.  I SLEPT 7 HALF LAST NIGHT.  SO I FEEL BALANCED. 

I GUESS MY SACRED CONTRACT IS TO CONTINUE TO LOVE DESPITE BETRAYAL.

YESTERDAY WAS MY FIRST DAY NO JT.  NO DAD REPLICAN'T.  CANT IS RIGHT.  AND TODAY KIMO IS MISSING.  ANOTHER REPLICAN'T.

TYGJ.

SO TROPICAL

I FEEL VERY CLOSE TO AUNTY.  THE WEATHER HERE IS SUMMER IN HAWAII.

AND I'M OK DESPITE THE RAIN, THUNDER, LIGHTNING.  LIGHTENING. 

I'M DOING NEW BEHAVIORS.  NO HOT TUB, PADDLE POOL.  TAKING MY TIME.  NO ANXIETY.  I DON'T KNOW.

9/11/2001

I AWOKE FEELING SAD AND REMEMBERING HOW GLAD I WAS MOM HAD DIED 5/13/2001 SO SHE DIDN'T HAVE TO FEEL THE SADNESS.  ONE MORE PAIN AVOIDED.  I NEVER TOLD OF A'S MANY BETRAYALS BECAUSE I KNEW THEY WOULD HURT MOM AND SATISFY A, REVELLING IN OTHER PEOPLE'S PAIN.  PROBABLY THE PSYCHO IN HER. 

THERE ARE PROBABLY A LOT OF PSYCHOS WHO HAD A BETTER UPBRINGING AND NEVER NEEDED TO ACT OUT.  SHE WASN'T ONE OF THEM.  THEY'RE BASICALLY COWARDS.

I JUST REALIZED THREE BIG HITS:  DAD DIED, MOM DIED, 9/11.

AND THE HELLISH YEAR BEFORE DAD DIED.  WHEW!  I SURVIVED A MAJOR STREAK OF DISASTERS. 

AGAIN

I FELL ASLEEP 1030 AND AWOKE 1130 DREAM: WITH A BANK TELLER NOT CHANGING MY DEPOSIT AS CASH ADVANCE.  I WAS ANGRY AND REFUSING TO LEAVE BANK UNTIL VIDEO REVIEWED AND DEPOSIT REINSTATED. 

SO I FINALLY FELL BACK ASLEEP AT 1-630 AFTER REALIZING EVERYONE I'VE BEEN INVOLVED WITH HAS BETRAYED ME.  ALL OF THEM.  THE LESSON IS LOVE.  TO LOVE THE BETRAYERS.

AND I WENT TO G2, B-KING FOR hungry/susan, LUCKY'S SALADS AND DINNER.  I HAVE A PLAN.  I took my time watching tv. 

IT'S FORECAST TO RAIN TUESDAY.  WE'LL SEE.  I WROTE SILENT UNITY. 

TYGJ I WON BINGO.  JOHN'S GF, JUNE AND THEN ME.  ALL AT THE TABLE.  I WAS INCLUDED.  TYGJ.

I INVITED THE NEXT TABLE TO JOIN US.  THEY STARTED WINNING. 

SATURDAY HIJINKS

I DON'T CARE.  I'M FALLING IN LOVE WITH THE HOUSE I NEVER FELT WAS MY HOME.

I WAS NEVER MADE WELCOME BY MY FAMILY.  I WAS TREATED WITH DISDAIN, HATRED, VINDICTIVENESS FOR NO REASON.  THE HUMANIMALS IN MY FAMILY WENT BEYOND REASON TO PUNISH ME FOR THEIR FAILURES. 

I WAS CRITICIZED AS HAVING IT TOO EASY AND THEY MADE SURE I SUFFERED FOR THEIR MISTAKES. 

NO MORE. 

THEIR INFLUENCE HAS EVAPORATED AS THE MOISTURE IN THE AIR. 

I AM FREE.

chance of rain

I'M HANGING IN HERE.  TOMORROW CLOSED ADMISSION DAY SO I'LL GO 24. 

TUESDAY DW RELAX IS GOOD.  I HAVEN'T DEPOSITED CU YET.  I WALKED OVER AND THURS OPEN 10 AM.  I WAS HALF HOUR EARLY SO I CAME BACK TO SRS.  AND I'M OK WITH THAT. 

HAVING DELEGATED THE REPAIR TO T HAS RELIEVED ME IMMENSLY.  I CAN SPEND ALL MY MONEY AND THEN I'M DONE. 

I'M DOING WHAT I CAN.  INDIAN SU ASKED ME FOR GUAVAS.  SHE SAID YESTERDAY SHE WAS BRINGING ME PINK GUAVA.  YEAH RIGHT.  NOTHING AND SHE HAS THE GALL TO ASK TODAY LIKE I'M A BIG IDIOT.  BULL****.  FULL OF IT. 

BETTER TODAY

T PICKED ME UP AT SRS 2:30 FOR EARLY DINNER W/D.  WE PICKED HER UP AND THEN CAME BACK TO PANERA.  GO FIGURE; 3MI, BACK AND SRS AGAIN.  MY TURKEY-AVOCADO-BACON SAND AND CAESARS WAS GREAT.  THE BREAD IS SO FRESH.  TWO BAGS OF CHIPS, HE GAVE ME HIS FEELING GUILTY; LENNY AND GIRL ARE HERE.

D BOUGHT ME GUILT CHERRY BAGEL, DELICIOUS, THE BEST BAGEL. 

THIS AM JEANIE GAVE ME TUNA, I GAVE HER BAG OF AVOS AND GUAVA TO DO WITH AS SHE PLEASES.  WHEW!!  SO MANY.  I PICKED UP YESTERDAY AND STILL THIS AM A LOT.

EVEN WITH THE RAIN.  AND IT MAY SPRINKLE LATER.

OH, WELL.  TYGJ.

BACKTOSRSTUB

TODAY IS 18th DAD DDAY.  AND I'M FEELING IT.  I FEEL SAD AND TIRED.  I SUPPOSE IT'S OK.  COULD BE BETTER. 

I WENT COSTCO GAS AND THOUGHT ABOUT RECYCLE AND DECIDED TO BE GENTLE W/MYSELF.  I ALWAYS HAVE TOMORROW.

AVOIDED LOCKING MYSELF OUT OF CAR.  I HAVE TO GO BACK TO CSAA FOR DISCOUNTS ON CAR INSURANCE.  THEY DIDN'T GIVE ME ANY.  IT'S JUMPED $150 IN TWO YEARS.  DOESN'T SEEM RIGHT. 

7&8th HOT TUB-LABOR DAY1-5

I'M EXHAUSTED DRIVING TO 24 AND THEN MY DAY.  IT ADDS AT LEAST 5 MI PER DAY. 

YESTERDAY MLIB I PARKED OUTSIDE SO I COULD SEE IF ST J WAS OPEN.  NOT.

TODAY IS SAVERS SALE BUT I'M SO SLEEPY.  IT WAS SO HOT LAST NIGHT AND THE WIND BLEW AND WOKE ME.  I THOUGHT IT WAS CRITTERS.  TOOK ME 2 AND HALF HOURS TO CALM MYSELF.  SPLIT SHIFT SLEEP IS TIRING.  AND THE STICKY SWEATY HEAT. 

AND I'M WORRYING IT'S SPRINKLING ALREADY.  SO I'M SUFFERING TWICE.

T CALLED AT 10 AS I WAS LEAVING G1.  I'M EXERCISING EVERY DAY. 

AND MLIB IS OPEN BECUZ OF THE HEAT EVEN WITH THE HOLIDAY. 

I FINISHED READING ZOOKEEPER'S WIFE AND DISTANT VIEW.  I LOVE READING THE BEST.

I HAVE DVDS TO WATCH FOR THE NEXT 2.5 HRS.

TYGJ

6th DAY INDECISION 100+

DRIVING TO THE HOT TUB IS TIRING ESPECIALLY WITH 100o HEAT.  I'M FEELING THE EFFORT.  YESTERDAY AND TODAY I'M AT THE MLIB.  I WAS UNDECIDED.  I THOUGHT I MIGHT GO TO NORTHSIDE WITH THE COVERED PARKING AND LUNCH AT RED ROBIN.  SUCH A DRIVE.  I CONSIDERED IT LAST NITE FOR DINNER BUT TRAFFIC DETERRED ME. 

I AWOKE 3:30, ATE OATMEAL W/WALNUTS&DRIED CHERRIES @ 5.  SO I WENT TO G1 AND WAS VERY HUNGRY AT 9.  I DECIDED BKING 2 CHEESEBURGER SPECIAL.  THEN PO TO MAIL LIFE INS.  ST J CLOSED.  AWWW.  AND HERE I AM.  READY FOR A NAP. 

I THOUGHT I'D HAVE TO WAIT TIL THE PARKING GARAGE OPENED BUT THEY WERE OPEN AT 9:45.  SO PERFECT.

MAYBE MY INDECISION IS EXHAUSTION?

TYGJ

5th DAY 108o

OH, I THINK I HAVE GOUT.  GO-OUT.  MY LEFT FOOT IS SO PAINFILLED.  I THOUGHT IT WAS FROM THE THREE SPRAINS, ERIC RUNNING OVER MY HEEL, THE MOTORCYCLE FALLING ON IT, BUT IT COULD BE FROM EATING THE FUN FOODS. 

WE'LL SEE.

MY RIGHT FOOT IS BETTER TODAY AND MY SIT BONES HAVE BEEN TWINGEING.

SO WHO KNOWS?