it's nice waking at a decent hour

it's nicer doing what i want.  waking at 2:30 waiting for the world to wake is like weekends as a child watching cartoons and eating cereal taking care of little sis while waiting for the older sis to wake.  

i'm wondering when senior pool opens back up what time i'll go.  with the center closed i'm driving a lot more.  

showered at 24 walked lucky's and got free drink and lightly salted lays.  bought b king for lunch.  ate fries on the way to cup.  i decided to go to ace hardware with coupon.  such variety.  bought 2 tiny phillips head sets.  toys and tools galore.  stopped at nob hill walked a lot.  bought 2 clearance dinners $1.99 ea.  i'm set for tomorrow.

i'm finally free to be me

i lay in bed 'til 10:30 when i remembered last library day of 2023.  i wanted to use coupon no volunteer for book store.  i found 6 movies.  drank protein shake for lunch feeling so good i went to walmart used medicare card.  bought supplements and shakes.  $94 for 39 cents.  then i remembered clearance frozen dinners at college safeway and walked store.  feeling wonderful home by 3.  fish dinner and double chocolate muffin.  

babies have the right idea

eat when you're hungry, sleep when you're tired.  that's why seniors don't sleep.  we're still growing.  just in reverse.  so i think we deserve to do what we want when we want.  we've earned it.  and anyone saying otherwise is a killjoy.  

i'm getting excited.  i washed my st just cat pajamas for new year's eve.  new socks.  new calendar.  i'm new.  county is open eve 'til 5 pm.  

seniors ok.  sprouts parking in front i felt so good i went to walmart patient young man clerk helped me use $80+ medicare money.  beet tablets, choc drinks, etc.  i still have $86.  i have a better idea of what i want.  and next month is 2 days away.  

now i know how sunny keeps spots current.  they bill after 21 days.  got an e mail 5:50 i called no one picked up.  they didn't subtract 4 days closed for xmas holiday.  and another 4 days over new year's.  

i'm feeling jubilant

after a lifetime of anxiety.  nothing has changed but me.   my allergies are terrible.  the threat of rain.  only barely sprinkles.  the fireplace burning is terrible.  says air quality good i don't agree.

today i showered and plenty of parking and 24 open on new year's.  go figure.  the janitor was hosing the floor then mopping.  less dust.  i found the little cuts on my hands are from the shower wand in the handicapped stall.  i noticed today it's messed up.  it's frequently occupied.  

i had 15 minutes straight to seniors.  i think my job may be to play subliminal music to raise vibes.  i can always go to sprouts after.  

my fishing shirt mobile storage weighs 2.5 lbs.  i need to wash it.  

sprouts 4 double choc chip muffins, broccoli clover sprouts, 2 chips.  feeling good and weather clear i did wash.  parked in driveway, hung everything easily, still feeling ok.  forgot to wash shirt.  i forgot i wanted to go to sunny to use sewing machine and return hot spot. 

book arrived.  checked it out.  matte finish not so good.  it's ok.  more expensive not better.  

sleeping to 'igor'.

still makes me laugh.  i stretched my back and my right hip is still locked tight.  

showered, walked lucky's.  considered big lots no.  walked safeway then sprouts clearance half cherry pie 99 cents, 2 yogurt cheese, almond dip, olive artichoke and chili honey hummus i gave to toki.  she thought i already left because no water at senior center no plumbing everything to go.  i walked prune ridge lucky's then ate at main library.  cathy called she got my card.  she needs money.  she likes to go out with her ladies and entertain.  

so good, so good, so good

after 24 hour i walked lucky's just in case.  returning to car parking lot i spy colorful toy solar hula girl missing skirt.  looking around i find plastic skirt carefully replace.  doesn't work.  i leave in sun and she recharges.  so cute.  

i walked sprouts clearance vanilla 4/$2.  good for 2 years.  got to seniors 11:30 lots of parking.  lovely lunch thom and toki.  and chinese people.  no coffee for 3 days weirdness explained.  then college safeway clearance lean cuisine $2.25 i bought 3.  checked st just, discarded cardboard box had veg supposed to rain tonight i saved it.  good sturdy storage box.  

i spoke my word.  all the poufs were taken in fireplace room so i walked and terrace room even better.  lovely 72 degrees no coats.  and much quieter.  more to explore.  

by the time my hair's dry the chrome is charged.  perfect.  i knew i was exhausted when i looked through my bag for my water bottle and couldn't find it 'cause it was in my hand.  

home 3 pm lean cuisine fish not fresh when frozen too fishy.  

i'm feeling healthy

watching 'chinatown' 1974 and how we're programmed through repetition to make the same mistakes.

watching super 'love again'.  i'm usually so skeptical and yet i found a great love movie.  

best xmas so far

no worries, disappointments, strife.  peace is truly the best gift.  i don't need presents.  i never got what i wanted from my family.  they made a point of denying me.  getting what they wanted.

awesome!!  bethel church has changed!  many colors.  i went for carols and hot chocolate, new improved church.  young non white congregation.  

showered noon walked lucky's for celsius drink and bought small deviled mac and mustard potato salad clearance $2 ea.  woo hoo!!  i've been checking every day.  

i have small chem cuts from 24 shampoo body wash too harsh.  thinking what i did last night what i ate.  too much turkey fat in dinner brie noodles or too much chips.  or pies.  oh, well delicious.  oh, wait i scrambled 2 eggs with swiss cheese in turkey fat for b'fast.  i was fine before.  my hands.  like chemical trauma i had before.  

2:30 i'm sitting cup library air drying hair.  young adult section lots of room and charging table with outlets.  seat low like sitting in a hole better on my back.

home 4 pm ate some of both salads and cooked carrots with deli turkey, cherry pie.  so good.  

i've never had a more peace comfort filled day.

free rice pudding

too much free stuff feels like work.

i don't understand the popularity of 'barbie'.  maybe it's just the dearth of female themed movies.  it's ok but i wouldn't say it's good.  makes me feel bored.  and i am grateful my life is calm and boring.  that's why ginnie creates her dramatic scenarios afraid of ennui.  

i wore sweat pants to pick up rice pudding.  i haven't worn pants out in years.  i was thinking of using the cooked packet of wild rice to make pudding and ta da!!  

i had to park in back to shower at 24.  an hour.  part of my workout.  went to st j pantry but closed 'til jan.  i like it better than shopping for myself.  it's like God choosing for me.  Carol at the shop has ocd son taking care of his grandmother.  great kid.  we talked about kitchen appliances with timers to avoid all burning.  

charged chrome and rested at main.  sunny closed 'til wed.  county open tomorrow.  4 holds ready.

i'm having the best time.  good food, i'm my best friend.  

i'm such a nerd

watching 'the lost king', about finding richard the iii's grave.  the writing and acting is fascinating.  so good.  starring sally hawkins and steve coogan based on the true story of people searching for truth in a fabricated world, a world of barbies.  

roger ebert review denigrates 'feelings' in quotes as not enough when that's all we have.  all we are.  feelings are everything.  wars are fought because of feelings.  people are murdered because of feelings.  e motion=energy motion.  addiction is chemical measurable controllable.  chasing feelings.  

lunch good with the wives.  mike + pandora (pandy) prefers candy and fred + debby.  carnitas.  all the animal protein makes me tired and sleepy.  i ate potato turkey b'fast.  i need more veg cleanse.  

main library i used tech nick computer for help with book order.  i considered sending direct to aunty but i want to check it first.  so many options on mixbook.com website confusing.  redwood city print to order.  size, type of paper, matte or glossy, hard or soft cover.  

sneezy

i hope i didn't catch anything at Walmart yesterday.  i was there a long time in line to pay bill and waiting for vaccine record.  i didn't eat much sugar.  i don't know.  i'm eating allergy plant.  and i'm hungry.  egg bites.

i checked lucky's, free 16 oz yachak energy drink.  

the family always asked me what I wanted then denied me with lengthy explanations that made no sense.  so now to actually receive anything i want feels like a miracle.  and my sisters continue the behavior which makes me sad because what goes around comes around.  my mom always said she could never have anything nice (what she wanted) when she and dad played the same game with each other.  so how could they ever have what they wanted when they were so busy denying each other.  their first top uppermost priority was denying others instead of focusing on attaining happiness.

main library 2 pm 13 minutes charging 'til full.  lunch was ok.  i took dried mushrooms + beets.  i shared samples and gave the extra to art.  he's moving to mtn. view atria.  not online.  sprouts peach pie and 99 cent shredded red cabbage for sweet sour.  cabbage potatoes, turkey dinner.  lunch peas w/mayo.  so much good food to eat.  2 pieces peach.

so sleepy.  i watched graceland too erratic boring.  

'elemental'

the commentary describes the depth of thought and heart that went into the creation of this love letter to life.  it's the culmination of so many lives' experiences.  

i find out so much about myself from movies.  what i want, who i am, who i want to become.  

the subliminal is working so well.  to day i picked up lucky's free 1.7 oz salami.  it was so rainy at 9:30.  decided i wanted to shower at 24 drove around.  so rainy i only took towel, slippers, undies.  i drove to seniors and started writing out bills.  lunch today women's table.  eddie left earlier.  mike and fred sat next table.  i ate half a cookie wasn't hungry, ate my lunch at 4.  feeling good i mailed cathy's card checked lucky's clearance saw nodira and other cathy. and continued to walmart to pay gas and bought 2 braces , gloves, cherry nicotine and i still have $180 on debit card.  home 2:30 organizing for tomorrow.  i want to return spot when lucky's freebies over.

i'm excited barry manilow xmas special.  8 pm so not late.  

watching movies

my lucky day.  decided not to redeem free deodorant.  stretched 24 hour fitness saw ginnie.  similar non communication with her daughter.  my older sister more my mom than mom herself.  so convoluted.  

decided i don't have to be perfect, only best me i can be.

lunch ok.  fred, mike, eddie then new guy.  finally toki and susan, chinese looks japanese.  eh, same food diet same looks.  leftovers i didn't want i already cooked so much better.  county went to cup library.  'chinatown' ready pickup.  when i got there 'barbie' also ready and i found 3 others i wanted.  woo hoo!!  

gives me hope for happy viewing this best xmas.  

cooked carrots with onions in turkey juice.  so good i ate all with cornbread.  so delicious.  then i cooked pasta in juice.  covered with parchment paper stays moist.  used corning ware worked great.

seniors lunch

they make us wait i wouldn't mind if not raining.  ah, my ears popped.  i went 24 hour saw jeanie at 9:15 am.  i didn't know i was early.  i decided on saratoga lucky to check clearance.  naught.  today's freebie 4 ice drinks.  4 in one day to make 12.  21st last freebie.  and last unsalted chips.  $5.  

3 men 4 women lunch today salt free salisbury steak gluey mash.  always different never boring seniors.  i'm doing a lot of walking.  not my best feature.  sprouts $1.99 double crust cherry pie and 2 deli clearance 99 cent cooked ham egg whites.

oops, county due is requested.  tomorrow is good.  sunny is 10 over.  i'm drying out at main.  my hair is almost.  so heavenly sitting upstairs main after sorting st just groceries in underground parking.  3 pm finally turned down heat.  open 'til 6 but i want to stew turkey thigh.  i considered roast but no appeal.  one more serving pastrami.  so good in salad.  great protein for healing.  

remembered nob tamales only cheese left i prefer pork.  tomorrow.  home 4 pm preparing for county returns found stickers i saved to include in xmas cards.

freebie coke 1.23 liter

i walked the entire store twice looking for it.  huge plastic covered palette in aisle.  i went to dollar tree fun clearance and 2 cooked rice.  then safeway bought beets, salad and sunflower seeds.  noon i went to st just to scope out new procedure.  through the front no drive through.  shopping in main hall.  quiet no waiting done by 12:23.  lunch room clothing give away i found white shorts and beige pants.  $15 safeway and $10 target gift cards plus celery squash and cauliflower.  dropped off library returns.

and no one to yell at me to condemn or criticize or judge me.  

free hummus today

9 am i took off too fast check engine light.  seniors i swam and talked to brian, sprouts mini croissant sandwich $1.99 and $20 super food drink for $.99.  main library rested and ate lunch, found a new book.  i caught up on mccall smith.  2 pm i suddenly remembered that the sunny hold expires.  picked up and stopped sunny sprouts 50 cent bag of shredded romaine and cornbread $2.22.  i made the best salad with beef and cheese.  bed 8 pm wheel 10.

great day!

naan crisps 6 oz 12 days free x mas

so good to feel good.  listening to 432 Hz + 528 Hz almost 12 hours continuous play.  subliminal avoids conscious denial negation.   

lunch i campaigned for extra.  she brought lee huge covered plate so i went and got one.  lee tried to give me, i wanted to give art so lee took it.  bingo i won last game snack bar gift card.  dino had lots of yesterday balsamic salad.  so delicious.  i ate one cupcake bite and started sneezing compounded by dusty heating.  i ate all my allergy plant.  

sprouts clearance over a lb lean pastrami $1.04 and .67 sliced deli turkey $.67.  i'm set for weekend.  bed rest 4 pm.  stayed up late last night watching disney 100 years i'm feeling tired.  and all the shopping walking.  no toki lunch with bowling team.  still not home i drove by.  

left over salad from yesterday of greens, pear, sliced almonds, cranberries perfect balsamic dressing with 5 thinly sliced pastrami.  all the goodies were down at the bottom of the salad.  

xmas lunch

ladies auxiliary turkey and stuffing home cooked.  the golden voices sang carols.  hilde so slow to serve.   

no time to swim 10 am picked up freebie drink and clearance turkey thigh $2.51.  walked store.  home in fridge with heavy cream.  

package front door from hiratas.  opened in car.  so much to do.  helped bev find her keys dropped in her car in purse.  she was crying.  dementia.  i don't know how she still drives or has a license.  

so i'm at main drying my hair.  nothing at sprouts but good walk.  

dan russia came to ask about senior lunch, during conversation on taxes he makes more than 100 k a year?  ok.  

3 pm feeling tired from late nights ready to go home.  napped 6-7:45.  watched 100 years disney.  

i'm having so much fun even with arthritis

it's back.  the sweets and chicken i ate.  worth it.  free stuff 12 days of xmas at lucky's heavy whip cream i can shake it.  doesn't have to be whipped.  everyday something different i parked across the street.  i'm ready.

veg pasta lunch today way better than monday pasta with meat.  lee gave me his roasted yam kale salad.  he eats b'fast at 10 and then isn't hungry.

i puzzled and brian showed up.  he's so competitive.  he's a puzzle piece tapper.  has to show off when he puts in a piece.  i pointed it out to him, he couldn't stop.  so i practiced calm.  eventually i succumbed to his cat dander.  by 4 when we finished the puzzle i was totally congested.  he's so competitive he kept working in front of me 'til i traded places with him.  such a baby.  he complained about my meditations and changed it.  the nerve.  

so i got home by 5 after more sprouts cheese.  so good.  so glad celebrity tv tonight.

still feeling good.

a few twinges.  slight.  arthritis smooth.  must be veg diet.  lovely peaceful day.  lunch chicken mole better than usual.  unoffensive.  forgot short day on puzzle.  sprouts more clearance deli cheese home 3:30.  brie delicious.

salome depressed brother's death and missing service.  going home canada after thurs for a month.  doesn't know if she'll stay.  

people confide in me.  confessor.  maybe because i'm nonjudgmental.  my family dumped all their sins on me.  check out 'twilight zone' 'sin eater'.

i feel surprisingly well

most days i'm filled with stubborn determination just to get through the day.  i freaked out, forgot to pay cost co yesterday late fee.

lovely chat w/brian in pool.  stayed half hour.  called cost co after 6 miss-dials.  victoria waved late fee up to $41.  variable percentage.  

lunch time inge gave me choice of 3 metal magnet bracelets, i chose turquoise.  diana picked same one, we're magnet sisters.  toki brought back some of the snacks.  i like to try.  salome gave me 2 bags veg after everyone left lunch.  best birthday ever.  

too many snacks

even too much 'healthy' ones upset my digestion.  i'm better off with potato chips, i can eat as much as i want.  must be the simple ingredients.

i heated chicken with goat cheese for b'fast.  protein building blocks for healing.  

new me.  i'm taking my time.  i'm eating good food.  resting as much as i can tolerate.  trying not to re-injure myself.  healing requires drastic behavioral changes.  

dressed to return sunny.  took out recycle and decided to stay home.  too smoky.  more compassion for over dues by becoming one.  my back is twitching.

what i want

i got last parking space senior center because b'fast w/santa.  i soaked in tub, kicked aside slippers moved into my place.   talked to inge, toki, trudy.  i relaxed, took my time.  toki told me she didn't want the snacks.  i guess she couldn't see.  after seniors i went to sprouts clearance 2 cheeses, 2 salads, artichoke hearts 99 cents ea.  baked donuts $1.99.  yum.

st j thrift looked at everything bought nothing.  on to cup library.  picked up, returned movies.  home lunch 2 pm.  not even hungry i ate cheese chicken and a donut.  i napped 'til 5 pm.  dinner delicious salad.  avocado oil no flavor.

i'm doing what i want when i want.  i think happy people become healthy people.

free candy lindor truffle

i have so much free stuff.  i am blessed.  i have a dozen sodas.  garlic bread, so much good food.  toki left pound of see's bridge mix.

salome offered box of free snacks toki took entire box and put in her car.  i waited for toki in back parking lot to give her bags of persimmons and oranges i saved for her so toki wouldn't have to carry.  she hurt my feelings not even offering snacks for both of us.  like cathy hoover taking $20 i found from shell station saying it might not be real.  then she returned only $10.  i never talked to her again.  i feel betrayed again.

oh, well i'm warned about toki.  i won first bingo $10 lucky's card.  i went sprouts bought clearance 4 delicious apple cider goat cheese and bag dried mushrooms too oily.   everything balances out.

still codependent

milder with toki.  lovely quiet.  i can do whatever i want.  lunch i prefer sitting in the back to watch people.  could be a survival thing.  on alert.  i don't know.    

so perfect.  i finished the puzzle and went to sprouts found garlic bread 99 cents.  4 grilled chicken breast $1.98, 3 snacks 99 each.  stopped by toki's to check if she wanted some or oranges.  she said wait 'til tomorrow.  so i heated one chick with ragu and toasted bread.  so delicious.  the first time in my life i'm eating just what i want.  it's intimidating.

monk 2002-2009

tv was the only family i had.  

what a perfect day.  i puzzled 'til 4:30, diana gave me her barley 3 bean salad; garbanzo, black, kidney.  the green onions took me an hour to eat around.  celebrity wheel a full night of tv.

cathy left v mail

2 days ago to ask about the card she sent.  football i called 9 pm.  she says she's getting along better with sister needing shoulder surgery next month the 30th.  we'll see.  sister may just be feeling mortal.

happy b'day to me.  i went cost co the only thing i wanted 24 oz lays chips $4.69 best quality.  biggest bag i've ever seen mine all mine.  i used rebate check.  oh, so good.  i need windshield wipers i have to measure.  feeling ok i detoured to home depot and bought 3 water softener cleaner i needed for warranty.  over $40.  home 3 pm put away.  napped.

2004 season 9 'everybody loves raymond'

family is family.   it saw me through the worst.  everything i wrote yesterday disappeared.  seniors i went late saw brian in pool.  puzzled a bit drying my hair.  wanted 2 chips 2 waters using certificate Nodira gave me free.  happy birthday to me.  sprouts clearance turkey sandwich on sourdough, 2 packs dried diced nectarine.  considered deposit will wait.  went to main ate lunch picked up 'rockford files'.  star one cup closed walked super safeway.   picked up county holds.  home 4 pm.  napped and finished watching series.

and today i'm resting.  i keep forgetting how much energy healing requires.  salad mix and cilantro lime chicken.  

i fixed bathroom curtain and mixed cheerio cereals.  

dream of psycho lover-will you walk me to my car?-song

very elaborate dream of dinner with friends at their home.  lover becomes upset angry jealous leaves, i ask them all to walk me to my car just in case he's still around.  they comply.  i'm tested positive for Parkinson's.  they are extremely supportive.

bart showed up i paid him.  stopped at carlos' he was test driving got back as i was leaving reset check engine light lean nothing wrong.  i tipped him $20 for lunch.  so lucky dropped water softener cleaner bottle yesterday i retrieved in gutter.  seniors good relaxing 2 leftover lunch fish.  college safeway sushi and water.  chase withdrawal home by 4.  bart set bins in street.  if fined for too early bart pays he knows better.  

last day of month

and i'm relaxed.  my ptsd is ok today.

walter came by he's ok.  management inspected on 'thanks' so he was late to churches.  

i keep thinking it's fry day.  

relaxed

i did my seniors thing.  puzzled 'til 3.  decided to fill gas, $3.99/gal waited in line.  earlier would have been less traffic.  3 pm people on their way home.  

watching celebrity jeopardy and wheel of fortune.  heaven.

nov dec jan

winter's here.  i've never felt so in tune.  i always pushed myself because my family pushed me to be there for them.  so without thinking or feeling i forced myself.  i wasn't allowed to think or feel just do what they wanted me to do for them.  

i somehow dropped my eye glasses from my gym bag.  found it at check in desk.  filled water bottles.  didn't tighten one cap, spilled all over hallway.  mallory called my attention and helped mop it up.  

instead of going to Walmart for fish oil i bought at lucky's 2 for 1.  new behavior.

i finally found maroon shorts on living room chair.  i have 4 pair of shorts to wear on cold mornings.  

43 o check engine

 car hates the cold.  getting sneezy using allergy plant.  moderate air from smoke pollution.  

new behavior

i went to nob and sunny at 5 pm.  i picked up holds and copies of scratched discs that won't play.  i played on puzzle for a bit.  stopped at sprouts diced dried pineapple.  dollar tree pizza and protein drink.  

lovely

my blog disappeared.  i swam at seniors 9 am, puzzled 'til 11:30 when Nodira gave me a cup of whip cream coffee and bag of chips.  i saw Brian in the parking lot walking to central asked me to join him.  i don't think so.  2 miles one way.  this is ca we drive.  

checked out sprouts zero.  

main returned book and renewed chrome+ for another 9 weeks.  stopped at safeway clearance Halloween glow bucket and purple spider clerk dropped wouldn't light until i dropped in car and it fixed itself.  i already had orange and green spiders last year.  

i went to dollar tree beef pot pie for salad, cheese crackers, clearance shower curtain, big cup, cord winder 50 cent each.  

i did a lot.

i've never eaten so much

i went to lucky's 11 am.  walked the store and bought cheese.  couldn't figure out gift card.    decided to shower at 24 saw ginny.  she wore a heavy backpack and complained of her back and neck.  i could see her problem she doesn't listen.  i let it go.

best thanks

2 pm home and rest.  napped 'til 4.  sliced mustard chicken.  put away 2 dinners.  40 minutes.

left 11:30 am to Safeway for sliced, grated cheese.  First Presbyterian no Flora mixed salad goat cheese, cranberries, walnuts.  ham, turkey, chicken.  rolls, real pumpkin pie whip cream.  mac cheese.  corn, peas.  stuffing, rolls, butter.  so good.  no Walter.  

St Clare opened dining music.  take away and cream cheese pumpkin pie.  looked for Walter saw Jane.  she's so perky.  back to First little bit of ham left, mash, corn, gravy.  still no Walter.  I hope he's happy with sister.  

living heaven 11/23/23 mustard chicken

i'm loving heaven.  i spent most of my life living according to my family.  what they wanted, not allowed to want for myself, choose what i want.  and today i'm relaxing, bills paid, no worries.  

i don't have to be anywhere, not disappointing or being constantly criticized by anyone.  

my family was hell.  i didn't know life could be otherwise.  i chose people in my life that were familiar, family substitutes.  i was always the consistent, responsible one.  i made life safe and secure for them.  i was the problem solver, the organizer never getting credit or respect.  jane thanked me in front of everyone at lunch for connecting her with the mexican chocolate she wanted.  i suggested the market and deli and she did the leg work.  my family and familiars always demanded i do all the work to fulfill their desires without thanks or even acknowledgment from them.  hell.

i'm loving my freedom.  i love feeling cherished.  the subliminal recordings on you tube are working great.

baked chicken sliced thick part coated spicy mustard 400 o half hour.

1963 jfk assassination

the first person i cared about murdered and the coverage in my face over and over no dignity and later his affairs and speculation the mob killed him for it.  and his affair with marilyn monroe her suicide, speculation she had an affair with bobby who was also assassinated.  such drama.  

fit perfectly 'though i didn't know it as a child with my own family history of suicide, betrayal, drama.

bed rest 2:30

 i'm processing holiday stress.  

i'm learning

i'm ok.  took good care of myself.  toki's better after resting the weekend.  trudy and kenny fujii ate with us.  and salome.   

stayed and  hilde so much left overs i got 2 patties.  

nob hill no potato salad left home bed rest 2 pm.

feeling borderline

i'm revisiting 1997 watching 'men in black.'  i've never liked will smith.  not as 'fresh prince' never.  

i'm still processing mom suicide trauma.  my body is reacting to nicotine lack.  smokers are shallow anxious breathers.  glad i have lozenges to make me a little calmer comfortable.  emotionally i want to run away doing.  i won't think or feel if i'm focused on doing.  hence workaholics.  and injuring myself is another way to distract myself.  i prefer movies and rest to process emotional fallout.

eating is another chemical distraction along with drugs and alcohol.  food takes the most discipline.  you got to eat.  

'men in black' marathon 1997, 2002.  i never watched the 2012 #3.  huh.  i wonder what was going on.

went to sunny library with returns.  checked puzzles, used coupon for an immense bag of movies.  i asked for link+ copy of 'pain free' for cracked one none anywhere.  oh, well. and she didn't give me attitude like men.  home 2:30 resting. 

chicken skin crisps b'fast-saw kimo, carole allen

microwave cooked chicken skin for 4 minutes.  

gregarious being part of the herd.  i saw brian 10 am seniors talked an hour dinner at churches.  i like going later.  I took my time at main noon book sale saw kimo.  bought bag of movies and ukulele books.

considered going to county 1 pm decided to line up for st just.  i could have gone and come back but i'm being 'normal' i think.  i thought about burger king lunch but i have seafood at home.  i bought faux fish and lettuce mix.  i'm so proud of myself lined up blogging.  chris is doing a terrible job.  an hour.  carole allen picking up too.

went smoothly to county picked up seasons 4-9 for 'raymond' marathon.  and i still feel well.  today anyway.

tomorrow sunny book sale.  maybe.  i can do anything.

my left arm is still itchy

almost 4 weeks and i'm still reacting to the vaccines.   

to do this week end:  collect freebies.  done.  pay discover.  done.  pick up, drop off hot spots books movies.  walmart pay pge buy fish oil.  pick up county sunday.  st just sat or sun.  my regular routine, no wonder i'm feeling tired.  i do a lot.  a human doing practicing being.  

lunch ok toki probably stress sinus headache not feeling well her eye op on my b'day.  diane is an opportunist.  she goes wherever she can profit sat with linda.    

i shall stay to see how many for bingo.  if many, onward to sunny.  the beauty of fry day employees leave early.  i won 2 x pink sweatshirt.  

picked up at sunny.  checked and charged hot spot home 4:30.  watched wheel.  pain free disc cracked.  pondered will wait 'til sun day book sale.  feeling upset anxious when life bumpy.

forgot my supplements yesterday, double today

definite energy shift.  in me and the planet.  pain free exercises are so easy yet i can feel them.  after swim diana always asks me if i swam.  after lunch i stayed to talk to salome they call her salami or shalimar, and hilde had tons of left overs i even got some after she gave to everyone else.  FATIMA donates her salads.  i don't know why she orders them.

feeling alright i did one 3 load wash for $3.75.  2 and 3 loads have the same price.  i moved very slowly and carefully.  At home i hung everything.  resting in bed by 2:30.  watching 'detectorists' 2022 i figured why i don't like dumb comedy.  3 stooges stupid humor is like watching a slow freight train falling off a cliff.  nothing i find interesting.  not my idea of entertaining.  stupidity is everywhere, i don't have to rent what is everywhere for free.

feeling neutral i need not worry

such an improvement.  

walter came by i got to counsel myself.  if i can save him from some suffering i've improved the planet.  

salad, tofu, lentils b'fast

weird i lost all settings, and headings are now pink.  lee came and talked to me about his phone at lunch asking about chrome, weird energy and then lhosa came and sat.  like cartoon vultures.  energy has shifted doom has lifted for now.  'pain free' book has the same balance muscles approach to healing.  researched 54 pages.

home 3 pm i ate veg balls, napped then dinner at 5.  i watched 'wheel' and 'everybody loves raymond.'  i requested the series from the county library for my next healing marathon.  tv kept my head above water.  kept me from drowning in depression.  gave me respite from my hellish family and what my family tradition was.  

achy breaky heart

1964-72 'bewitched'.  1996-2001 '3rd rock'.  i'm healing segments of my life.  1989-1972 years on my own.  17 years without the primary demons making my life hell.  i'm feeling and healing a lifetime of psychic sludge.  extra weight, burden.  

1989 they used dad's cancer to talk me into moving back as their slave and i did it.  shivers.  

after senior lunch waiting for my hair to air dry i'm pondering my bank deposit.  when and where.  i feel 8 years old cognizant of family ostracism.  lunch with eddie, toki, diane.  puzzle upstairs Francine stopped to talk, seems calmer.  maybe i'm calmer.  

1996-2005 'everybody loves raymond' my next marathon.  

went to merry deposit and sprouts double crust tart cherry pie and $10 clearance.  2 sprays, 4 roll-on scent, blueberry peanut butter, 2 drink mixes.  

i need something different

my lower back is screaming.  i'm still detoxing, coughing.  the more i sleep the better i feel. 

looking up phil and brynn hartman both connected to 3rd rock 1996-2001.  so sad.  i remember how much i was saddened and affected by their murder suicide 5/28/98.  suicide and alcoholism being my family tradition.  my mother threatening murder suicide, my hellish childhood.  my older sister insisting she deserved the abuse and my younger sister denying our childhood.  dis-ease is denial of reality.  i moved back in 1989 due to my dad's cancer diagnosis.  all 4 grandparents died of cancer in Hawaii.  

i keep forgetting the validity of my sorrow.  

i can't heal it 'til i feel it.  the basic premise of Louise Hay.  and Delorise Lucas sweeping away the dis-eased energy, remembering and using her techniques.

i'm sleeping and feeling tired and weak releasing the chemical memories.  i'm burning energy peeling off another layer of suppressed experience.  processing changing stored potential energy.  i'm feeling guilt another family induced layer.  

feeling waves of sadness

another layer of sadness like a tree ring exposed to healing light.  senior center 9 am.  still new doing what, when, where i want.  

picked up st just, paid city power online main.  spot not working.  took it to tech support he turned it off and on fixed it.  so i can wait on sunny spot.  stopped back at st j saw sidney and talked to gloria.  brother died besides being sick with mom and dad.  

i'm praying for all of us.

re watching 3rd rock 1996-2001.  i'm revisiting those years.  1:30 back home resting.  

the survival shortbread is delicious.  1200 calories.  

options, left 9:30- home 11

so many things i can do.  free soda, laundry, i love clean clothes, st just, banking, cost co, sunny library, etc.

picked up freebie, redeemed monopoly s n apple, clerk failed to enter points it's on him.  jr. burger king fries for lunch with salad so delicious.  i'm listening to my body.  no wonder we get dis-ease.  we torture ourselves.  we force ourselves to keep going when we can rest.  we don't listen to our bodies.  we're trained in childhood to war against ourselves.  

war becomes dis-ease, peace is health.

i can feel guilty that i'm not suffering.  the family tortured me to suffer.  i can still feel it.  i'm no longer numb.  it hurts.  watching walter i empathize.  

i just remembered i couldn't access wheel of fortune site last night.  remedied just now 1 pm.

watching jeopardy and wheel.  i cooked spaghetti in the quick mac with minerals.  delicious.  i was going to buy ramen and realized i have boxes of pasta i can eat.  takes longer to cook and tastes better.  

toki brought me 4 blueberry muffins

i really don't want the senior center.  i understand why others don't like it and why most limit time there.  if not for toki i'd skip it this month.  it's petty and boring, filled with unpleasant people.  eddie asked me not to talk to him when i asked if he was ok.  he was sad and depressed.  he looked sick.  dino was sick last week.  

i went to chase withdraw and considered the dollar tree.  i have all week.  

last week i felt so terrible.  it's good to feel good.  

seniors-this crazy place

arrived to announcement no hot showers.  so i visited with diana and inge.  checked in showers they hadn't shut off, nodira came in asking to let her know so they can shut off hot water, they hadn't started maintenance yet, just the signs.  i considered gym, wrong shoes.  i can go 24.  

lunch ok jane, susan, eddie, toki great.  went to main.  forgot green wallet.  bank tomorrow.  wrong books still 2 overdue.  

i don't want to do anything

i'm trying to understand people making a movie like 'very bad things' 1998.  so many good actors in a mean spirited, negative movie based on stupidity and sick morals.  

whew! cellular sent double bill.  online is accurate now.  and i paid citi in sunny picked up 'never ending stories' and bought sprouts salad.  i'm revisiting my past calmly consciously.  i'm wondering if i was infected eating store samples.  

the only tv i watch is wheel.

flu, booster shots mon 10/23/23 two weeks

i'm having a major 1972 flashback.  ex made me so sick with his diseases.  i ended up in emergency on sulfa for his many infections.  i was allergic and slept through the worst.  

feeling sad.  missing gerde and my deceased loved ones.  i'm mourning.  i'm consciously mourning my losses.  family always ridiculed me for having feelings.  

i showered at 24 picked up salty b king bacon swiss jrs 2/$5.  drove to toy parts bought 2 keys program a separate service so noon i called rescue Ron's daughter, Paulina 2-4 appointment at home.  i'll ask about front door although i'm not ready to deal with it yet.  it keeps the sisters away.  i'm so excited doing something new.  i feel excited like a puppy.  i went to cup and picked up requests.  i'm enjoying sitting in the car writing bills.  overcast and cool.  4:30 i called she's running late.  i ate other jr burger.  5-5:35 and done.  she said $125 for key program free trunk lock fix i wrote 150 for excellent service.  i told her she's my hero.  a self employed locksmith.  

bart here noon spraying weeds.  gave him $70 for Nov. 2 hrs.  saved me trip to drop off.

tested neg

quite a few steps.  like being in chemistry class.   i'm feeling better.  I'm still feeling tired and my back is screaming.  i'm doing more.  took out garbage and recycle for tomorrow pick up.  i'm stretching and resting.  my muscles are actually sore.  

epiphany-1:19 pm i'm making it harder for me.  my training has been to suffer.  

when i asked mom 1999 why she was so mean to me she said she was toughening me.  she pampered my sisters gave them everything they asked.  navigating the world is tough enough i need a family to love and support me.  my sisters are doing what my mom taught them; to abuse and humiliate me.  i used to choose people to abuse, humiliate, and make my life worse.  what was familiar family.  

i can chase after free things and/or have heaven come to me.  

sisters hate me in place of mom.  they hate her.  i'm just collateral damage.  mom used me as the scapegoat to avoid pain but it didn't work.  no matter what she did for my sisters they hated her.

confirmation-8:30 pm put garbage and recycle bins in street, 8:45 filled gas at cost co, on website opened 'til 8.  maybe 'cause a card i don't know just that i filled tank.  step one to better health.  70 degrees warm.  drove in filled tank home 9 pm.  i was prepared to return home if too crowded.

feeling better received covid test

eating, drinking, resting.  sleeping for most the day.  i made mac and cheese, added corn, tuna, yellow mustard.  just what i wanted.  

tried going out to car

9:30 am too tired.  brought in jujubes chinese granny gave me seniors last fry day.  ate them full of c and fiber.  

i loaded lucky's free 5-8 oz cheese.  not worth the effort to go get.  it's been fun getting free stuff but today there was too much effort.  i'd rather fill my car with gasoline and buy 2 car key copies.  I read the 'history of morgan hill' and 'valley of heart's delight'.  covers covid 19 2022.  huh.  i toasted a split croissant and topped it with hummus.  my appetite is back.  i haven't felt hungry over a week.

wow-i just remembered how bad i used to feel doing anything and everything.  2003 was hell.  i had surgery, my sisters were harassing me threatening physical eviction, i had to hire an attorney, shawn parr.  took 4 more years to get them off my back.  no wonder i'm still feeling depressed.  

i've never understood what drives people

my family tortured and abused me.  i guess they hated life.  they took it out on me.  no wonder i feel depressed.  my motivation has been avoiding pain.  doing the proper thing to avoid pain and punishment.  punishment was the only result i knew.  of course i feel depressed.  of course i feel sick.  

i have to return sunny book.  due tomorrow.  maybe, maybe not.  

facing the truth i feel better.  i got up to watch a 'love boat' i hadn't seen.  

toki called 6 pm to check if i needed anything.  she was just getting home.  

😃

toki called to let me know gerde died and she brought pasta and salad from senior lunch she left on porch.  i'm feeling so tired.  gerde is no longer tired.  she's happy.

cathy called happy halloween

she got my card today.  perfect.  i feel a tiny bit better.  i haven't had a cold for 7 years at least.  how old my meds are.  i ate burger and baked beans for lunch.  slept most of the day.  

9 am i cancelled lunch

11 i called toki.  i slept, rested, cooked and ate burger, salad, baked beans.  i'm improving loving myself.  

it was 47 degrees too cold so i decided to stay home.  i'm finally living my health most important.  finally.  i just checked air quality is borderline caution. 

toki left comics, dozen croissants and 2 cans chick broth.  so delicious.  she called to let me know just after i got it from the porch.  so i was breathless fighting with the door.  

still feeling so much dread

the family tradition.  it's still deep.  compounding my cold.  it's my lungs clearing a lifetime of smoking.  i quit 2019/20.  

halloween is my favorite holiday.  the only time as a child i felt in control of my life collecting candy, sorting, trading and making it last 6 months.  the only sweetness in my sad childhood.

resting and recovering

feels so good to lie here relaxing.  toyota parts is open 7 days 12 hours so no rush.  i want 2 keys.

i cooked kale pasta.  not good.  i'll try turmeric pasta tomorrow.  

i'm still feeling feverish and taking c and willow.  i'm watching cooking and comedies.  'arsenic and old lace' always makes me laugh.  i watched 'igor' still a perfect movie.

sinus infection

i'm used to caring for myself.  i've been a caretaker all my life.  i can remember being sick as a child all on my own.  

gloria gave me 22 game tickets.  i gave her xmas cards.  she gave some cards to diana.  

i picked up free soda and bought a $5 3 x hoodie in lime green.  i tried on large white hoodie i bought last week.  fits perfectly.  

i picked up held movies from county after bingo.  last day.  home i ate salad and terrible squash chicken stew.  

such a sinus headache

i caught a cold.  i'm taking grapefruit seed.  willow and lots of c.  i considered staying home too boring.  i'll wear my mask.  i'd just feel sorry for myself if i stay home.

i postponed carlos he's disappointed and i have to care for me.  i waited with alex and diane for extra lunch.  i finished the puzzle and checked city library.  hot spot ready.  i picked up, checked working properly, considered county.  i'm tired.  went to nob for salad and picture hardware $1.21.  

lost everything blog 1% charge

somehow didn't charge.  regained settings.  weird energy key broke off in trunk lock.  drove by carlos' after calling.  left him bag of rice and beans from sophia.  and ricardo 2 sandwiches.  i called dealer key blank $55 in stock with fob(transponder) $177.  later.  3 day backlog.

better

the shots perked me up. 

not good

i'm feeling terrible.   I don't know.  lunch was tiny square cottage pie, slice of bread, small scoop frozen broccoli cauliflower.  i finished owl puzzle, rested then went to lucky's prune found new white hoodie $5.  3 tickets.  lady ahead of me gave me 24 one winner 3 game pieces.  on to pay pge at walmart and buy medicare nicotine and d-3.  walk in shots wonderfully easy.  flu and c-19.  rsv next week.  i felt so empowered i went to nob hill used $5 coupon.  me-me there i finally gave her my silver tortoise hair clip.  salad mix, 3 dressings, 4 coconut water, grass fed beef.  i'm loving salad.  

library is hosting light saber lessons

and i'm eating my great sprouts' multigrain turkey sandwich.  this morning i swam an hour, puzzled 'til 11:30, jetted to st. just, signed up for thanks and xmas per gloria.  checked out store.  bout 24 movies for $5 library book sale after noon.  home 2:10 i watched all of jamie oliver.  i made quick mac & cheese added tuna.  i ate half.  blueberry pie dessert.  bed by 8:30.

sunday-i dozed 'til 7:30 am finished mac for b'fast .  still tired slept 'til 11:30.  dreaming of heaven i'm ready to go home.  

picked up free caffeine sparkling ice

and now i'm blogging.  i can exercise later.  6 monopoly tickets.  

i freaked myself out.  i won 3 times at bingo.  clock, puzzle, pewter studs.  then in the car i wanted to look for the clock battery online, turned on auxiliary to open windows and thought the car was broken.  bad air i felt dizzy, couldn't breathe, no oxygen.  driving home was like 2003 when i'd pull over to rest.  low blood pressure/sugar.  i feel all jittery like too much caffeine.  

i just remembered i can go to nob for internet.  my back and shoulders so sore from stress response to no oxygen.  and too much exercise wed on nu-step arms and legs workout half hour.  takes me longer to bounce back.  well, not bounce.  my back looks swollen.  my neck has never recovered from the whiplash when i fell 2014.  

went to store to update chrome and i wanted salad for dinner.  2 sale dressings good time.  new behavior.

i'm having more fun

 air ended up danger to sensitives.

i actually have energy

i'm so used to being forced i've been forcing myself beyond my limits.  i was totally empty, no energy.  i swam, puzzled, lunched.  so good with my chosen family.  i got bored and biked half an hour.  my legs are sore.  i watched 'halloween high' with debbie reynolds.  

no cream pie or pot salad

i cooked my own potatoes in sun day chicken fat.  i checked nob hill wi-fi and entire complex wired.  very good.

saw brian after lunch puzzling w/francine flirting w/judy.  he gets out of school 10:30.  huh.  he's not the one.

bought my manuka honey from tea tree flowers.  and 2 bags mixed candy.  i'm keeping almond, peanut butter snickers.

tcb

i called for for a rewards check i think i already redeemed maybe not beth 7-10 business resend.  if i get it ok if not ok. 

and i called lisa quest diagnostics re fit kit.  3 weeks to process.  not 3 weeks yet.  do i want $75 to get a mammogram?  i don't think so.  i have to get paperwork, make appointment, keep appointment if they're open.  'smart journey' was a waste of my time when they cancelled after i drove there.  

i'm amazed how much better i feel w/o eye strain.  my back continues to change.  

eclipse-what's the worst that could happen movie

it's a miracle how they fit together.  vastly different sizes over vast distances apart looking the same size.  full day.  brian going to reno dart tournament in tub 10:30.  toki arr 11:15  

best sandwich yet st just.  charity not there so i picked up pantry and asked for sandwich best grain turkey creamy cheese.  i was so hungry.  i brought 2 pieces cherry pie.  

so much excitement i'm feeling tired.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                            i arrived at 8:20 for 8:30 start of library event.  a thousand ahead of me including kids.  who knew so many nerds.  and after me another thousand.  i picked up 2 viewers and thought i can see it anywhere so i drove to seniors and watched from the parking lot in the comfort of my car 8:50-9:50.  in the tub brian 10:30 took his son 2017 to oregon eclipse camping backpacking.  i was done by 11 didn't know what i was waiting for 'til toki arrived then i went to st just Charity gone next 2 weeks too i picked up pantry groceries.  3 whites to replace 1 black.  i was voracious i asked for a sandwich, best ever whole grain creamy cheese deli chicken.  usually boring plain white bread.  n 95 masks.  

parked under central francine in bookstore st just jumble i decided lunch more important reminded her sunny heritage jumble sale today.  

energy is weird today.  i suppose yesterday too with the elevator malfunction.   

i've been in survival mode my entire life.

i've existed from a foxhole peeking up at the world.  my family kept me enslaved for their selfish security.  i made them whole.  now it's my turn.  loaded picked up thai dressing and energy drink.  i had 6 in trunk i haven't tried yet.  

4 pm too late for wheel of fortune phrase.  i had fun guessing.  i'm loving friday 13.  at bingo fresh donuts made everyone a winner.  i almost got stuck in elevator.  first button pushed into panel so i grabbed wire to call elevator.  inside seemed ok but door slow didn't close.  man and his son helped me descend stairs.   bingo buddies won one.

glamour-wheel word 

lovely

yesterday was wonderfully, cool temps are going up.  had an entertaining chat w/cody.  told him about brian my twin he wants to be family too.  he looked hurt and left out.  i told him he is family too.  

bingo puzzle for dino

finished 1 pm.  i'm loving me so much.

exercising my left leg is freeing so much energy.  re balancing my back is re setting my metabolism.  doctors only know what they're told.  they have no real practical experience.  i know first hand what works.  

chicken today was weird tasting.  strangely bitter.  i added to soup improved taste.  i threw away diana's chicken and beans.  kept cole slaw, shared with toki.  inge said vera in hospital due to cancer chemo complications.  

oh, yeah

i used my anger to get to seniors early.  i puzzled 'til 8 swam.  lady asked if i liked jujube i said yes thinking the candy. actually chinese dates she picked are delicious and incredibly healthy.  big bag i shared with everyone.  tom looked online.  gerde early before me.  diana gave everyone lucky's pudding cake so sweet.  toki always remembers comics.  i gave her alex and lillian's lettuce since i have so much sprouts.  diana gave me pork chop and spinach.  so for dinner cherry pie, noodles pork chop, chunky lettuce.  so good.  banana muffin dessert.

study in contrasts-moon day-bad bartolo

eating salty multi grain honey ham sprouts sandwich $4.99.  i'm sitting on the patio watching people.  the sky is overcast and cool.  

2 hour 300 piece puzzle.  so satisfying completing.  

my waist hurting left side weakness trembling.  i need tomorrow tub.  

could be the rose bush and kiwi i trimmed and set out garbage and green bins.  felt good to be able to do.

yesterday i rested watching first season 'bewitched' 1964.  before loss of anonymity.  alien did what she knew was done to her.  secrecy phillip zimbardo again.

i have audrey at home by her second son luca dotti.  very good with recipes and every day life.  i wanted salad and stopped at sprouts r/t lucky's.  50 cents more for salad mix w/o funny chemical taste also bakery special cherry pie $1.99.  i could have bought turnovers, 3 types of cherry pie.  sunny specials in the aft.  

bartolo oh that bad boy.  because i cut rose and kiwi he filled both bins after pickup left them full in the driveway.  left wooden ladder in the middle of back yard again.  not my job to correct him.   he's done.

good lunch

i stopped sprouts 8 am too early for bakery specials.  substantial clearance turkey sandwich $3.49.  seniors swam 40 minutes saw jeanie with boot cast on left foot ankle.  then back to sprouts.  toki never mentioned the jalapeno bread so maybe not terrific.  i bought apple turnovers and assorted muffins.  dropped off home 94 degree day.  sunny vale 10:30 ok parking.  ate sprouts sandwich hungry after exercise.  84 degrees on patio.  assembled bingo puzzle 3 hours.  out to car for soft boiled eggs, best parking under tree, i re parked.  i forgot glasses to puzzle.     

bewitched 127 hours complete series.  

happy b'day sis

i haven't talked to them in years or they'll come sniffing around like thieves.  i bless them from afar.  i loaded and retrieved the lucky's freebie.  sort of fruit soda not sweet not anything.  sophia gave 4 sandwiches, i gave the fruit cups to toki who shared with salome.  obnoxious know it all joe sat at our table looking for a slave.  he took my milk, tried telling me eddie's was mine.  he returned my milk then tried to sneak it back.  i took it back again.  tom and alex wouldn't sit with him.  he finally moved to another table.  whew!  dino likes him, doesn't have to do anything for him.  jane helped him at bingo.  he wanted someone to watch his card like the privileged women talkers last week.  treat me like their slave.  jane won twice me too.  i still wonder how many have bingo and don't pay attention.  

planning my week county city closed moon day sunny open.  today tomorrow 95 degrees.  morning swim seniors.

woo hoo! puzzled 2 hours

 i'm pampering myself.  supposed to get to 94 degrees today.  i'm remembering to exercise my left leg while driving my car and my back is popping and crackling.  

saw brian class cancelled

we sat 2 hours we're so the same.  we can change the world.  two gathered to fix the world.  arrogant hindu-christian man interrupted.  oh, well.  he tried telling me what to do be.  

lunch ok.  toki disappointed her other eye surgery cancelled 'til december.  

i am grateful.  i am grateful.  i am grateful.  i am grateful.  i am full of gratitude.  

i puzzled in senior air condition 'til 6:30.  91 degree day was 84 when i got home.

great day!  celebrity wheel at 9 excellent.  i'm saying my good byes.  regular wheel no vanna has covid.  and i'll miss pat.  jeopardy is a farce.  ken is just unpleasant.  

adult-finally figured out

it's been 3 years since i quit smoking.  my body remembers my mother attempting suicide and i started smoking again.  i'd forgotten.  

october dad would get anxious about being laid off during winter rainy season.  he was so mean to mom she took all his sleeping pills.  i was at work.  i got home 4 pm and dad asked if i wanted to go to carrow's for prime rib dinner.  i told him to ask mom if she wanted to go.  that's when he told me she was at valley medical because kaiser had no psych dept.  he called 911 instead of taking her to emergency.  we live 5 minutes away.  i couldn't believe my dad's behavior.  total disconnect with reality.  iasked when my sisters arriving he wondered if he should call them.  he hadn't, he called my auntie, her sister in hawaii 3000 miles away and didn't call my sisters half hour away.  so bizarre.  insane.  i never realized how deeply sick my family was.  my sisters to this day deny reality.  they still insist my mom swallowed an entire bottle of sleeping pills by accident.  

my body has remembered.  post traumatic body memory.  just thinking about it i want a cigarette.  i'll buy more nicotine tabs.  i may need them for the rest of my life.  i refuse to suffer any more. 

ate an apple

i'm getting my enthusiasm back.  stayed in bed watching movies yesterday.  very relaxed.  considered getting bags from car, nah.  i'm feeling more energy.

new month terrors

no idea why, just a motivator maybe.  

seniors swim, connected brian jackson doing great, st just charity gave me more lunch i found black lace shirt, stopped at 2 yard sales nothing i wanted, central i picked up get smart, little mermaid.  stayed 'til close at 2.  so tired almost left chrome in copy room.  must be more careful.

sunny vale library, stopped nob hill mimi working there.  i just wasn't ready for home.  puzzled 'til 5.  home sandwich, half soup, crackers, toasted bread.  chocolate almond milk pudding delicious.  bed 7:30 nothing on tv.  driving home i did so much i thought sun day.  i have tomorrow too.  

i'm watching witch mountain series.  came out at at a dark part of my life dealing with recognizing and accepting the lifelong betrayal by my family and the subsequent betrayal by all my relationships.  they only betrayed themselves.  

busy day

nah, i just didn't want to do anything.  i went 6:30 to 24 for internet.  loaded coke y 3000.  picked up and walked store, had to ask for game tickets.  finally remembered to buy stamps.  drove home to check free suitcase gone finally.  seniors i puzzled 'til 10, showered and puzzled more.  11 i went to wash yesterday's dishes i forgot.  taking it to car gerde had parked i removed her walker.  weather and lunch unstable.  hilde waited 'til everyone gone i got left over salisbury didn't want meal.  too much trouble.  sophia gave me more veg, fruit cups i gave to toki.  i kept cake, jane gave me cut cake too i gave away at bingo.  ladies asked to sit at my table talked incessantly, next time i'll tell them no too distracting.  she had the nerve to ask me to watch her cards then asked why not like i can't just say no.  i told the lazy incompetent white privileged bitch i have enough watching my own cards.  her friend told her to put some cards back, she didn't want to.  glad i didn't realize 'til now how overbearing she was.  next time no, no, no.

i did not win bingo.  i won food lottery.  i like no internet, quiet.  tomorrow pool.

home 3:30.  ate cake then patty.  whew!  looked for phone in car, bags, finally in house catch all bin time to charge 50%.  

i couldn't watch celebrity jeopardy

too stupid.  it was like every category could have been titled stupid answers.  i could not believe how dumb the z list 'celebrities'  were.  i couldn't figure out if they were competing for stupidest contestant.  they were guaranteed 30 k for their charity maybe they were trying to be funny.  they weren't.  i thought it was sad.  the dumbing down of america.  or ken jennings trying to feel smart.  he's given all the answers and acts like know it all.  i still remember he missed h r block final jeopardy question.  at least alex trebek never acted like he wasn't given the answers before hand.  

when pat retires i doubt i'll continue watching.  celebrity wheel was good even though i had know idea who they were.  there was a sense of camaraderie.  they seriously played for their charities.  

lunch was a lot of food.  brown rice and quinoa, chicken stew, carrot raisin.  the company was great.  toki, alex, salome.  vanessa ate bbq on patio and diane sat elsewhere.  eddie came and went.  toki is encouraged by eye op to exercise.  

4th day of left leg exercise.  it's working, my back is better.  i'm sleeping better,  back less pain, i'm more comfortable.

sitting here wondering why they didn't love me

i have to keep reminding myself they didn't love.  the lack made me feel wrong.  i didn't belong yet, i know i do.  we're a planet of broken toys.  they had to make themselves feel normal by excluding and abusing me and we know how they ended up suffering with their choices.

i'm feeling freaked.  received letter from patelco security breach in may dated 20th.  patelco never copped to it in all the mail they've sent.  no heads up.  just ambush.  makes me so glad i closed retire.  i have 'til jan '24 to decide what to do.  

so much left overs today.  and few wanted omelet.  i have extra potato, spinach, slaw.  drain tuna add.  

walter came by after counseling.  

planning my day

senior center short hours i can pick up at cup and drop off sunny.  4 pm sunny.  i finished small senior puzzle on to cup at 3.  movie wouldn't check out i took disc to desk cleaned it like new.  5 minutes.  i toured rod to see where it came out.  quite a tour.  ultimately stelling.

found 2 possible puzzles for seniors.  i don't mind turning in spot.  i used to feel deprived.  not today.  i scored 4 bookmarks.  2 metal, car hologram, hp raven claw.  tygj

after being bed confined i appreciate my freedom

i spent 8 years expecting to die.  when i became mobile i looked in the mirror and saw my mom looking back.  

coconut milk dribbled in bag, i was able to wipe up devices.  container leaked, never happened before.  

today i can puzzle or pick up holds at cup.  or tomorrow.  feeling nauseated.  either the cold air conditioning, onion juice from lunch or back strain.  home 3:30.  stomach better @ 80 degree.  tomorrow short seniors hours better for cup.  

happiness is knowing what you need and getting it-onigiri

Publishers website is malfunctioning games.  oh, well.  i decided overcast is encouraging me to rest at home.  i'm catching up on jackie chan collection.  great athletics.  took me 15 minutes looking for my shoe supports.  found them.  i need all the support i can get.  

10:30 i decided to cook chicken, watched end of murder she wrote, prepped chicken 4 quarters.  prepped pans, looked for spice seasoning finally remembered i stored in broken oven.  put thighs in and readied drums.  made sure i wore brace.  collected recycle in bin.  i'm just waiting for the first batch of chicken to cook.  i have asparagus.  the senior lunch sprouts are unfortunately un prepped but cooked.  watched pilot for providence no one i liked in it, i keep trying to like it.  I still don't.  i'm watching medium i used to watch religiously I haven't watched it for maybe a year.  

my stomach muscles are spasm-ing like belly dancing.  

had to bake drums twice.  not cooked enough for me.  i like it falling apart.  i nuked sprouts' sweet potato 99 cents for 15 0z prepped.  

had to go into backyard to cut rose from window.  this cool weather is providing moisture to plants.  checked on allergy runners.  very productive day.

onigiri-triangle rice ball.  i never knew the name.

feeling sad depressed

could be the lack of oxygen.  went to swim and decided to go to sprouts lots of bargains.  including jalapeno bread for toki.  library garage closed.  at st just i gave gloria bell peppers and cantaloupe.  lady there is the best.  stopped at toki's, she's driving already.  she wanted to exercise at seniors.  home i took everything out of car an hour to put away.  crackers and chips in covered bins.  planning laundry run next week.  i cleared another covered bin for pantry food.  put fabric pockets in veg box.  took me 15 minutes to wrangle stuffed kitchen drawer of wire whisks.  

nothing on tv feeling tired i slept 3 hours after a sandwich and chips lunch.  woke stiff but better.  

loaded my freebies

i finally remembered my pill cutter for the nicotine lozenges.  i still miss nicotine after 4 years.  not surprising i suppose since i was born with nicotine from dad's chain smoking.

for my ears only my heavenly music.  sal, diane like to make fun and gloria jumps on.  so they all have problems with loading freebies on smart phone and i straighten them out ha,ha.  am i thanked, no.  stupid is as stupid does.  the phones are smarter.  unfortunately they don't know how to use them.  

perfect peace.

i have comfort

god loves me.  today's unity word of the day comfort.  most excellent day.  i swam, lunched, toki's eye surgery tomorrow she's a little apprehensive.  hilda offered table last meal tomato beef i jumped on it.  she gave salome and diane alternate salads.

i stayed for dementia documentary too late to register i was rudely told.  i went to watch was told i had to sit in chair at back.  after 5 i asked to sit at table grudgingly allowed.  then mallory said extra panera veg sandwich.  i ate fruit cup and choc chip cookie.  good movie.  cathartic.  dozen panera left i took one for toki dropped off on way home.  tomato bread so delicious.  perfect hummus balance.  took out cooked onion.  

i'm paid up

i paid discover.  no more bills this month.  swam 9.

i worried about forgetting things until mallory, one of seniors nurses didn't know yesterday moon day.