not on my watch

garbage came 7:30 recycle 8:30 still small green recycle.  9 as i go out to collect bins young overweight BLACK WOMAN being rousted across street 2 by sc pd.  another battering cruiser pulls up 2 more pd.  one put her safeway bag on hood takes everything out.  they arrest tie her hands behind her back and put on her stomach all the while protesting she didn't do nothing, crying pleading why.  i ask if they want water for her i'm told they've called for emt for emotional issue.  i'd be emotional too if arrested.  i proceed to cut flowers into green bin 2 making a bouquet keeping an eye on the situation blessing all participants.  fire truck shows up so 4 cops 2 fire against 1.  she's crying saying she can't breathe they ask if she wants to sit up.  she's protesting wiggling her feet agitated so i know she's like a thwarted toddler.  emts show up with gurney hook her up to monitor, assess, load and drive away.  it's only 9:30.  during this time i cut weed into green 2 and put in street.  

and here i am.  maybe why i'm still here.  to remind bullies of their humanity.  

i started watching concentration lost interest straight to senior park.  walked stretched iffy computer drove to college safe way looking for toothpaste found 2 clearance macadamia iceberg lettuce.  played my games mission 'til 40% charge no internet on to homestead safe way toothpaste, 2 clearance dark chocolate almond coconut.  st just dropped off 2 bags and tried internet then main 40% power insufficient.  

2:30 home brought in green bins 88 o.  watched 'love boat' and relaxed.  if every day today i shouldn't mind being alive.

uncommon sense

mom always said i had no common sense.  at 8 years old i could see common sense was falling off a cliff.  i couldn't understand why we were building houses in a beautiful fertile valley.  didn't make sense to me.  people complaining about the weather but remaining ignorant just to complain.  if i don't like something i do something about it or i quit complaining.  yeah, i'm uncommon.

she'd always complain about everything but how perfect her 2 daughters were.  the daughters who refused to help her as she got older.  she expected me to do everything for her.  i wasn't her daughter, i was the mailman's child.  she told me so.  taking out the garbage cut into her do nothing time.  sat night i collect the garbage and recycle.  sun day i fill the bins and set them in the driveway.  night i put them on the curb.  not rocket science.  so easy.  

i found 5 bottles at senior park + newspaper.  no internet on street just parking lot nowhere to sit.  walked with laptop trying reception.  it won't stay in paragraph mode keeps reverting to normal.  stretched on both sets of bars.  page took 6 minutes to load.  over 3 hours total.  

when i try to change pages i frequently hit the wrong button so tiny.  don't know why it's slow when on medium signal at mission.  i parked redwood shade under one way sign.  so pleasant i may be back tomorrow.  listening to healing so wonderful.

i want gum toothpaste to try.  coupon safe way $3 off colgate exp tomorrow.  maybe laundry.  

freebie big lots drink today only.

already cooked 8 thighs

woke at 5 had to remind myself to stretch.  stayed in bed 'til 6.  preheated oven.  tuned in 'sit-fit' proceeded to remove fat, skin from chicken.  half the weight and size.  laid out in one pan with herb seasoning mix and curry.  set oven 40 minutes 375.  cooked onions corn from yesterday beat 2 eggs dollop cream cheese with sliced bread.   i stood w/out brace.  woo hoo!!  i feel ok.  put cooked chicken in containers.  yesterday yard work ok.  

9 i decided on early library on the way yard sale 2 movies dollar each.  on to back main.  i love not deciding where or when.  darryl an hour 'til waiters i went walk stretch.  i stretched in chair too.

i'm still processing family tradition of fear and shame.  i'm feeling better.   i'm sitting in car ate 2 oatmeal raisin.  

shame and fear

built into DNA.  my penniless immigrant grandparents came to work sugar cane and pineapple fields.  mom's 6 kids in family dad's 6 kids in family.  dad never past 8th grade to work truck farm.  mom wanted to be nurse.  when they married that didn't happen.  mom was 21 maybe she didn't think she'd ever marry.  families knew each other.  and that's how the islands became 3/4 japanese.  

i waited for jason to show, maybe i missed him.  i pulled a few weeds and saved sweet peas for seeds.  i puttered for an hour.  remembered to fill car gasoline.  washed front and back windows.

picked up lunch and weekend, tried mission no internet, remembered lucky's freebie smart water, clearance 50 cent noodles and dollar vanity auto night lights.  checked safe way clearance hash, chunky p-butter, lettuce.  parked st j walked to main computer.

ok, played lotto, sweeps, word, quiz, scratch, wheel.  home 2:50.  put away food. watched 'love boat.'

apathy

could be i'm just tired and ate poorly.  i ate 2 white bread sandwiches for dinner and b'fast.  or muscles tired from sorting groceries.  onward and upward.  some days lots of energy today none. or end of month blues.  

i parked next to seniors and i prefer to across street.  huh.  parking was taken when i got here.  and this is even better.   much better view.  lovely cool.  stretched picked up lunch.  cody book mobile 10-noon 8 new movies.   

lots to read so i'm playing the games i dumped yesterday.  internet's just so slow.  i go back and forth between tabs.

home 2:30 washed recycle.  i wanted to toss with garbage but couldn't.  could be my autism.  i can't not recycle because of my love and respect for the planet.  i can't take it for granted and i prefer my yard natural.  this valley was beautiful when it was natural and wild.  people go to parks and litter.  they cut down the trees.  it's like they build parks to cage and conquer nature.  how sick is that.

4:45 jason beal fire man called survey yard weeds tomorrow 8 am.  whew.  gave me stomach ache.  i'm feeling sad again that i can't do it myself.  needing help makes me feel weak, vulnerable, open to attack.  my sisters.  another opportunity to grow.  ugh.  

i want to be strong and healthy.  i'm feeling overwhelming shame and fear.  a lifetime of emotional blackmail conditioned into my body by my 'family'.

ella enchanted not very good.

considering the money making it the result is disappointing.  i don't know why it's so bad.  it's as if they took good ingredients and threw them a pot and overcooked it.  

doing only what i need to do today.  i picked up lunch, st just groceries, and was home noon.  i used the cart to bring 4 bags in.  i have a cauliflower bigger than my head, squash, beautiful orange bell peppers, onions, russets, canned corn, peaches, tuna, rolls, cereal, wheat thins, 2 sandwiches, yogurt, dry milk.  all i need.

didn't stretch walk.  put away groceries. 

i could

conceivably watch concentration and come to seniors after 11.  

yesterday i carried laundry to car when i should have used cart.  my back was less than good all afternoon part of the evening.  i slept like a rock 'til 5 got up at 7.  i did get 9 hours.  a miracle.  though this morning my waist so locked i could barely get up.  

after stretching and exercise i felt great.  i watched mom and concentration.  went to seniors the latest  ever.  i'm working on accomplishing what i want in love not fear or anxiety.  not quite there yet.  i forgot wheel.  i did everything else.  i parked back main and darryl extended computer time.  i found half dozen toys walking to john's.  left at 2.  stopped at corner store bought potatoes no fresh veg expensive frozen peas.  ate my lunch and soft boiled eggs.  i haven't bought chips i can nuke real potatoes.  

now i'm watching my game shows.  

did my walk stretch

i loaded laundry, brought in bins.  planning yard work.

i felt so good after stretching.  i wanted to run and jump and do.  i contained myself.  i'm learning.  if the itching all over will stop bliss.

back main.

just figured out

my lavenders grow monstrous because i don't water.  senior center wimpy stunted watered regularly.  

i woke 5 am with pain and the stretching and watching exercise gave me so so much energy here i am.  took over half hour to reset healing depression.  and i forgot to bring lunch.  i have oatmeal cookies and energy bars.  my stomach muscles vibrating.  i have pork chops to cook and i have rice and peas.  ooh, i just remembered i have lots of bread.

snooze paper here.  it just occurred to me it may belong to man living in camper but not picked up by noon.  i walked stretched strengthened. 

and today the pages are tiny.  what is an invalid crumb?  maybe it's the winds.  i'm coughing and sneezing.  maybe my lungs are still clearing from a lifetime of tobacco.  i smoked second hand from before i was born.  mom lit dad's cigs.  i wonder if nicotine contributed to my autism?

reception is slow and jumpy.  tygj for 'healing depression' you tube or i'd feel crazy.  my games are limping along.  computer gives me a job to do.  and the slow internet keeps me thinking not obsessing tunnel vision.  i have to go between pages it takes so long.  page is so tiny i have no idea of my points.  mom would have loved it.  so many games to play.  so many free sweepstakes to enter.

feeling sad.  and tired.  i put out bins on returning home.  i've been going for an hour and half straight cooking chops, cleaning, sorting.  i'm itchy all over.  windy allergies.  i'm dehydrated.  peas no good i added carrots.  used pickled onions sweet sour.  cut up loaf.  

oh, my aching neck is tiring too.  i forgot to watch 'love boat.'  and i don't mind.

already yard sale

didn't find anything but the location.  mostly furniture.  then on to dollar store.  passed john found ella enchanted.  i did not know she was cursed to obey.  gonna read it.  requested film main.

sitting front main no parking back swim meet.  i brought lunch bagel eggs corn salad.  i thought i lost checkbook.  what a rush.  i put in new checks and it was like new.  i wrote silent unity.

reading ella her mother's funeral like mine.  lots to experience.  slow internet a blessing today.  i'm breathing through the past to itself.  listening to healing and wondering how many hours to re program negative childhood.  

i parked at st just tired of slow laptop.  used main desktop to finish gaming.  then walked through park to stretching bars.  perfect weather.  i wore hot pink ruffled top and red ruffled lady bug skirt of tee fabric.  so comfortable.  heaven.

i'm better at pacing myself.  i decided to go home and have my lunch relaxed reclining.  i changed my clothes put my shopping away.  lovely.  

an intense evening of relaxation.

senior open early today 5/21/21

probably because fry days longer lines for weekend food.  they usually don't finish 'til 12:30.  oh, because extra food delivered to front.  they set up second location went faster.

my tummy upset.  maybe a little too much exercise this morning.  i was bored.  citrus candy settling it right down.  my right hand very sore.  my right rib still sore boil.  sore arms.  neck boil.

walked, stretched, picked up lunch 2nd set up for weekend food.  bagged blanket in pillow case.  the best easiest way to store blanket 'til winter.  i keep losing track of tp that jumped off roll.  i found it again.  

juan from city called to verify contacts.  he'll put in another call to fire dept re weeds.  i told him i talked to mall' here at seniors for social worker.  

i stood in line stretching, put away in cooler, computed 'til 12.  lucky's i got my freebie guru drink and pork chops.  on to cup lib then cup safe way free french bread, half price agave syrup, free water and $5 sushi.  better than others not overly sweet.  

home 2:30 i did it all.  mission accomplished.  i put everything away.  feeling tired.

watching 'jeopardy' brayden smith.  pat sajak is so funny.  he's the only reason i watch wheel.  

blah, blah, blah

i used the label for the scooby doo shirt as a mini pocket.  i didn't notice how the shirt had blahs like the sound pen i bought.  my life is matching.  i've found 2 marbles.  

i picked up lunch relaxed, stretched.

my right rib is hurting from the open heart drainage tube when i was 16.  i always wondered why it didn't hurt.  shock?  they put it in to drain my lungs and when they removed it they just put a bandage against the base of the half inch tube and ripped it out.  it's painful now.

i'm sorting through all my hundred binders.  whew, a lifetime of searching, collecting, cataloging.

parked across street in shade w/internet

i easily transplanted pine sage.  i organized a little.  i've got cookies, pears, apples, oranges for carlos.  lovely cool.  i remembered dollar store chips and butterfly clips.  they put in linoleum floor.  smells bad looks great.  the dark indoor carpet was always a mess.  hypoallergenic.  and here i am seniors.  

i went to car-los' no parking so i went to college safe way for french bread none.  clearance 4 oz macadamia.  tried carlos again success.  

home 1:30 i watched tv and organized recycle bags.  put away groceries, cooked diced potatoes and carrots added to progress split pea.  cream cheese delicious.  tomorrow with olive bread for b'fast.  

i must have been tired at 5 i fell asleep for half hour.  i didn't realize how tired i was.

watching 'delirious' 1991 and 'vice versa' 1988 i realize everyone in my life actors to teach and wake me up.  i'm learning how to direct my energy.

human beings vs human doings

when no internet yesterday's post vanished.  all of it.  even what i saved/update.  what does it mean?  where did it go?  

yesterday i kept calling 'til i talked to juan padilla.  he's contacting social services so i can get help.  fire dept does weed abatement.  he's checking about replacing fence.  do i need a fence?  attractive nuisance.  i like the weeds just not too tall i guess.  the valley was so naturally beautiful 1957-8.   

i'm waiting to hear from somebody.  so today i recycled.  didn't think just did.  less than half hour.  i left home 9:51 and helpers brought me bins and weighed and cashier gave me receipt $8.10 and i'm sitting here at seniors shaking stunned.  never so easy.  family didn't allow me to have help.  i'd be taunted for being weak and incapable.  they'd go out of their way to ambush and destroy me.   

oh! i forgot morning bake olive cheese bread.  i wanted to do that first thing.  oh, well.  after lunch pick up. i checked out john's introduced myself to bob 57 youngest of 6.  

11:30 bread is cold and doesn't look the same.  not baked in a pan so it's flat.  i prefer the round loaf.  hope it tastes the same.  went to main used computer for games and emails.  loudmouth there begging for attention or maybe deaf.  makes me glad half hour limit.  

home 1:30.  repositioning straps on tanks, picking up garbage, resting and doing a little more.  it's all in pacing.  not much experience.  family drove me incessantly and that's what i knew.  i'm learning anew.  

electromagnetic fields

(ate soup for b'fast cooked 5 eggs in cooker.  2 for lunch.)

kind of proves unseen atomic effects.  esp, prayers, that which can affect the physical world.  i freaked out and called silent unity.  she prayed with me 15 minutes.  i feel better.  no doing clean up this year.  i wanted to run out and kill myself trying to clear the weeds.  no.  i have all year to arrange garage.  yesterday i found nit's grade school records.  recycle.  maybe next year.  i have more energy and don't feel sick to my stomach as much this year.

came to seniors early.  no newspaper.  i rescued 1 bottle someone spat into. i'll rinse and recycle.

seems like i talked to albert maintenance for hours it's only 11:30 now.  so not even an hour.  he's working on a sunday.  we talked bible.  he was shot and left for dead during a robbery.  he's a minister.

wow, my hips are on fire.  we stood and i sat in the cool shade.  must be the socket.  lovely i had my church.  clearly i have to call city and arrange clean up.

when we get back to normal i won't need to use laptop.  

i can feel john pulling.  my aspergers more pronounced.  my midsection is healing.  if and when my back is fixed i'll be stronger than ever.

it's getting lovely warm i'm getting drowsy.  1:46.  time to move.

home 3:12 stopped and john must have been in front all day.  8 boxes books.  found 2 books 1 black plastic tool box.  told him my problem gave me email address when he's free in 2 weeks. i hope to have it resolved before then.   so many men like to make a big production of things.

gary williams took 1 hour to clear weeds.  i was still having a painfully hellish time.  i could barely tolerate being around people everything hurt so much.  i arranged a week stay at the indio timeshare for him.  r g was so jealous.    

i want to do everything i want when i want.  inner child.  i'm terrified.

man who mistook his wife for a hat

i watched 2 docs pbs this morning.  oliver sacks and tu david phu.  it's amazing what love produces even in adversity.  mom always yelled at me for being me.  i feel hopeless and helpless.  

maybe it's i'm tired.  i used dvd pain free to sleep to and gave me arm shoulder pain and nightmares.  peggy cappy.

i went to jack in the box for cheddar biscuit bacon $4.  i was disappointed american cheese not cheddar.  drove twice looking for yard sale 3422 victoria finally found it.  new boots $5 i was willing $10.  went by john's nothing new.  i gave him found in park styrofoam plane as thanks.  

main back lot computer reception i still went inside for sweeps and games faster.  

got letter from city code enforcement.  juan padilla.  i just figured out tom.  he wants me to be helpless so he won't find me help.  he wants me isolated.  then he's resentful when i need help.  

i'll have to call the city.  i need help.  i'm getting ready.  todds next door cut down their date palm and put in street for yearly clean up.  makes me want to run outside and cut down my cactus.  i can't if i want to sleep tonight.  my back.

a woman knocked on the door asking if i'm throwing out my porch plants.  no.  then she picked 2 cactus flowers barehanded.  ouch.  

feng shui-wind water

front facing door-east-earth, water, wood, brown, green-southeast-wood, water, earth, blue, black-south-fire, red, yellow, pink, magenta, purple-southwest-earth, fire, pink, red, orange, yellow, purple-west-metal, earth, white, gray-northwest-metal, white, gray, sandy-north-fang shun, water, metal, black, blue, white, gray-northeast-earth, fire, growth, light yellow, sandy, red, orange.

tried to set up new blog doesn't work yet.  internet slow i'm reading feng shui, carol tiebert from city lib.  entertaining myself.  and trying to play word find won't run.  i paid con cellular.  

walked to computer lab in lib.  none available don't want to wait.  i'm disappointed i won't be able to word find.  oh, well.

my sun shade has enough metal to block signal.  i'm parked st just in shade from solar panels.  i'm bored.  i'll go get my freebie lucky's.  and moscato $1.  and stamps $11.  

home 2:55 for 'love boat.'  had milk and cookies and half hour nap.  yay!!

20 year death day-j vonderlin

i feel pretty good.  64 o.  lovely.  17 minutes to connect computer reception.  slow internet may drive me home.  i picked up lunch ate 12:30 after standing talking to book disc man giver.  he said he took care of multiple sick people who died and now takes care of his handicapped brother.  he made a point of saying he's 71.  i'm glad i got to thank him for the freebies.  i checked out his flicker photos.  odd.

i started sorting greeting cards.  i have a long way to go.  i guess i'll recycle.  i went out to the garage checking the size of the smart tv della gave me.  i found white poly fabric i can make 2 skirts.  comforting to have that to do.  

i feel i've turned a corner.  and it's scary not knowing.

ah yes

della left message.  she confused me yesterday when i returned her call.  she thought i was her cousin.  she left another message saying she'd be home after 1 today.  

i picked up messy fajitas.  not much chicken couple teaspoons.  all peppers one corn tortilla.  dry beans so it balances out.  

passed microwave missing glass tray.  i could try mine but if it doesn't fit i'd have to put it out so no.  and i don't even know if it works.

i mailed both card and letter.  i forgot card so i'll buy stamps safe way.   the bread isn't as good afternoon as morning bake.  

i'm sitting mission laptop after using theirs.  bea said they have new laptops.  

1:15 i called della went over to check it out.  too heavy and bulky to carry downstairs.  her new tv is so sleek and streamlined.  nothing extraneous.  she had the old one on a shoe case she also gave me.  tom came in 1:30 and loaded my car.  i came home stored in garage watched 'love boat.'  i'm tired.  i half expected them to rescind the offer like they've done before to give to nieces.  whew!  

cooked diced potatoes added to can chicken barley soup.  ate half, saved for b fast.  ooh, a can of corn even better.

good day

seniors i had connection for 10 minutes.  read prayer response.  bless silent unity.  i considered what to do re taxes.  i picked up lunch.  mission open late 3 pm.  so i went to main back lot in shade for computer.  i asked darryl if time extension possible.  i was only patron he agreed though not policy so shhhh.  took maybe half hour.  feds done state automatic.  took another 20 min to print with paul's guidance $1.20.  computed to d stress.  

came home and finally ate 2:30.  worked on auntie's letter.  decided to send thank you card but no mail.  i continue to write it.  

i'm still stressed 9:12 pm.  

bedtime finish letter.

no computer connection seniors

i have a good routine of leaving after 1 episode concentration.  i get to seniors and the lot is always open.  i avoid the aggravation.  not talking to tom i avoid aggravation.

i put out bins early.  i started doing it in steps.  i start filling bins sat day.  i put in bins sun day.  i put on street moon day.  by the time i was ready to leave trucks had been and i put them away.  

i went to mission for computer and went inside to start taxes.  as expected there's a plethora of questions to answer and choices to make.  after half hour i'm registered.  still haven't seen forms.  so i came home 12:30 relaxed watched tv ate half my lunch.  i'm not feeling voracious.  huh.  maybe i'll take a nap.

tom mom day

and i'm ok.  twenty years to resolve 50 years of feral childhood.   last night after reading it took me 5 hours to stop shaking.  i cooked and cleaned to settle my nerves.  i made tuna pasta salad, boiled 5 eggs, cleaned everything up.  

i chose the book because it was large print free in box on sidewalk.  god in action.  it never occurred to me i was actually feral from the wolf family abuse.  i just thought i was messed up.  i thought i was anti social.  my inability to bond is fear.  fear of being hurt more.  i'm already in more pain than i can stand.  

tom mom called acknowledging the card i sent.  he called me a week after my birthday.  another lying pointless conversation.  he calls me when he has nothing better to do.  just as he always has done for 36 years.  he never loved me never even liked me.  

i started opening house at night to cool off. 

do nothing day

today i have some energy

now to be wise.  

i picked up lunch.  seafood "gratin" tasty but tiny.  i even liked the shrimp.  the sauce was delicious.  the cherry "cobbler" leaked all over the bag.  i computed at senior added lucky's freebie remembered safe way water/sushi fruit tart.  what do i want?

i paid city bank and picked up $3.39 quaker cheddar rice crisps.  ate lunch under tree resting.  on to safe way.  tarts didn't look good got sushi, water, half cornbread mix.  sitting main 2:10.  still have quiz and lotto.  or not.

i'm suddenly very tired.  or frustrated.  home 3:15 'love boat' i'm feeling better.  i ate mac salad.  when i got hungry 8 i ate 2 med boiled eggs.  

watched amy tan doc made me sad and angry.  i wondered if her mom ever beat her threatening to kill her with a kitchen knife or shears.  they seemed close.   

i copied the bagua off the internet.  i'm planning my perfect home.  

hurrah!!  laff tv is suddenly this tv.  'delirious' john candy 8 pm.  the characters are parodies of my family.  

mailed t's card

remembered to watch 'call me kat' pilot.   underwhelming.

tv is my family.  they never beat me or yell at me.  they have ads and charge $1.  i don't think so.  

i came home 2 pm deliciously, delightfully bored.  i didn't know i had the taxes in the back.  maybe tomorrow.  

i finally lost 5 lbs.  and i feel ok.  i did my arm shoulder yoga stretches this morning.  it's all connected.  

i have tv guide.  i don't know why it sometimes stays or disappears.  

wow i watched part of global warming in europe massive floods.  

watching 'b positive' i realized i experienced neutrality.  no negatives but no positives either.  

i cooked 5 eggs in the toshiba automatic egg cooker medium.  so easy and delicious.  i love eggs.

dream reminded me

della and tom were waiting for me to get ready for 5 am trip.  della was back yard here.  tom outside hall bathroom where mom died.  he's my mom substitute.

got up remembering tom b'day 9th found card and addresses from xmas 4 cards.  i can send walter jr card.  easy peasy.  walter and carlos are my eric substitute.

went pick up lunch and walked stretched.  taking yesterday off no change in my back.  no computer connection came to main on the way neighborhood freebies 2 books, 2 pillows, 2 pr black slippers, silk tulips, carry bag, mystery bedding in plastic bag.   

'heal depression anytime' seems the best fit for me.  i've been killing myself for everybody else.  doing what they want to empower them.  i'm doing what suits me now.  i watched a news snippet on finding transplant donors.  asians have a harder time.  B+positive raised the question.  i gave to my parents and almost died.  i'm done or i'm done for..

'pain free yoga' as long as i compute with elbows into body my hands arms shoulders neck ok. 

i must remember.

we all act happy..  we're all actors.  i can't understand why we stand in awe of actors when we all do it.  i can't understand why some people are paid lots of money and others aren't.  

money is funny.  odd.  it's like it has a life of it's own like electricity.  both are neutral until used.  can be beneficial or detrimental on how it's used.    

i'm not used to feeling

i feel my life is hopeless.  feelings are not facts, thank god.  i just have to stay neutral.  i'm waiting.  i'm learning how to feel.  i spent my life numbed to tolerate the hell of my childhood and now everything hurts.  i'm tired of living my life alone.  i have no experience with loving giving people.  all the important relationships in my life have been with people who used me 'til i felt all used up.  and i'm back.  

i came home 1 pm to rest and care for me.  i have all my numbers together for taxes.  when i feel stronger i'll do them.  i guess my worksheets will be my copies.   

i'm blessed to have tv.  i'm blessed i have the new yoga to watch.  my neck feels better.  i got another voice mail from back doctor who's done nothing for me.  they want billing info and another appointment.  i don't think so.  i'm growing up.  

banking done

sitting seniors feeling sad.  watched 'mom' about dying friend reminded me 12 years watching dad slowly go over cliff.  and mom's sad life none of my business.  maybe they were happy doing and being who they were.  my judgment makes me sad not their lives.  they loved each other and lived the lives they chose.  i'm sad not them.

saturday i didn't drive and woke pain free sunday.  or maybe sitting in the car computing or both.  drove to mission too tired to get out of car ate tiny lunch.  

1 pm feeling exhausted came home.  checked out tv turned it off.  nothing i want 'til 2.  remembered mail preview letter irs.  form letter from president joe biden re: stimulus payment.  whew!  deposited 3/12.  and p g e $5.05 credit!  looked at markets.  tygj.  i remember when the ads didn't come 'til friday.  half the week gone.  

i'm drinking caffeine in an effort to stay awake.  i prefer not being awake all night.  

the last 2 nights good dreams.  carrying child piggy back like i did with mitt but a small grateful bobby child this time.  and this morning being inmate in nursing /rest home taking care of betty having mini stroke.  i'd love to live in a good rest home.  i can make this house a good rest home.  a life with purpose.  

went costco

filled gas tank almost forgot i wanted lucky freebie drink.  walked store, picked up nothing else.  dollar store i bought 2 amber m wash 3 chips.  kiely park i wrote out bill and mailed it.  p o locked or i would have bought more stamps.  drove past st j and main.  on to senior park picked up paper and computed.  went franklin p o locked up although it was posted to start 5/16.  so home to vintage movies channel 2.3.  

cooked sliced onion 5 min hi added diced carrots, celery, potatoes, 5 hi 10 simmer.  added cooked chicken.  toasted cheese bagel.  delicious.  same for dinner.  opened clearance cookies.  sugar coma slept an hour.  rested.  cooked more veg for b'fast.  

h'b'day mom

i'm feeling ok.  i stayed in bed 'til 11:30 watching 'bill and ted.'  woke at 6 and felt horrible.  after dozing 3 times i finally felt rested enough to get up.  i have a jar of dry chocolate strawberry cheerios mixed with plain and sliced almonds.  and drank water and grapefruit drink.