main

went to dollar store for multivitamins, d, fish oil.  

i'm still waiting for pch to catch up loading.  

i expected my allergies to clear up when i stopped smoking but i think the gum while i'm not smoking is still giving me allergies.  must be the nicotine or something in gum.

i've never been happy just to look out before.  good feeling.  just to sit and think.  i've really changed.  i feel more in touch with me.  autism is like living enclosed in plastic.  in the world but not connected.  living in a bubble.

played my games and sweeps but aarp disappeared.  oh, well like always.

as i was leaving main i remembered sun day paper at senior park.  jetted over and picked up paper and leash.  walked did my stretches.  

came home 4:30 made my dinner watched some tv, mixed my spice ginger, cardamom, cinnamon.  opened can yams, added spice boiled down ate half.  second half for breakfast.  2 cupcakes, almonds, chips.  mixed ginger juice.  

brilliant day

 sunny and cool.  i'm loving it.  i tried computing after stretching at park.  too frustrating constantly disconnecting.  i'm at main in the shade.

2:30 no 'concentration' no reason to get home early.  while i can't see doing this for the rest of my life it's ok for now.  i'm entering the sweeps, playing my games, writing my blog.  still very cool.

i boiled down some cheap balsamic to enhance flavor.  the ants went crazy looking for it.  who knew?  i decanted into my expensive collection.  i love my many collections.  since i have to eat to stay healthy i may as well have the best.  i woke 4:30 stayed in bed 'til 8:30 ate cheerios.  got up made asparagus sesame omelette.  cheesy bagel toast.  i cut one into 3-4 slices.  i like bagels but too thick.  

if i didn't have to charge phone and chrome i'd stay longer.

i wiped pork chops with paper towels as recommended and grilled on electric hibachi.  wasn't hungry had linguine and sesame asparagus.  toasted bagel cheese.  washed grill immediately.  learned if i oil grill with trimmed pork fat non stick.  set to air dry put away bedtime.   

dw-stretch

 i did my stretches.  picked up food, put in cooler.  remembered to look up imelda.  lots online.

i love no where to go nothing needs doing.  feeling free.

i've never been this free before for this long.  i've always gone where i was expected doing for others what needed to be done.  watching videos earning points i realize my life has been lived for others. always caring for others.  while no one cared for me.  the inner me.  the unique me.  only used me like slave labor.

the slow internet giving me time to realize.  the aarp videos on care giving forcing me to slow down, pause, reflect.  appreciate myself.

i'm fabulous!!

i checked trash and found big lots freebie hand sanitizer.  michael's also sent to trash.  i recovered them.  went home at 3 for 'love boat'.  4:30 i went to big lots looking for book cases none got my sanitizer.  at lucky's i walked store pork chop clearance $1.02.  i want sweet sour.  

kirstie alley

she was on password and i checked her bio she was on match game too.  life is strange.

i watched concentration and got to seniors 11:07 picked up lunch flabby chicken, stretched, computed, drove to main.  restful.  i've been twitchy moving around.  according to chiropractor my back will be even stronger when i heal.  scar tissue reinforces muscle.  listening to sound healing.

i must have been exhausted.  fell asleep watching forensic files woke at 5:40.  ate fish and lettuce.  cupcake and almonds put me to sleep.  

blogger is malfunctioning

as an extension of me i don't know.  i lost yesterday's trip to cup library.  good day.  tiring and good.  good and tired.  wouldn't update frozen.  when i tried to publish erased.  well pch is freaking too.  my games are frustrating freezing.  sitting at mission spotty reception.

today supposed to be cooler than 78 o.  we'll see.  i showered washed hair in pony tail.  new strategy get to seniors 11 parking lot.  compute.  pick up lunch go lucky's asparagus + peas walked store then to main to eat lunch and compute.

i picked up 6 at 3 pm.  i was #2.  mother of 3 complained 15 minute wait.  i told her if she comes back 45 to hour no line.  younger 2 played happily oldest boy complained and acted out just like mom.  i told him patience is good to practice to avoid high blood pressure as an adult.  he quieted down.  kids are so much more reasonable than adults.  librarian line watcher laughed when i told mother to look at long line behind us only longer 5 minutes before closing.  everyone waits 'til last minute living on the edge.  

i got text care more is getting vaccine i signed up.  i noticed i left my travel log incomplete since val day.  yesterday safe way monopoly starts march 5.

then home.  soaked asparagus.  ate chips, cupcake i forgot i had 'til i got choc from cooler, peas and almonds.  i kept forgetting nicotine gum.   chewing my gum i feel better than satisfied.  i did everything, ate everything i wanted.  tygj. 

so good to be independent

had meatloaf rice breakfast.  pondering my choc roses i remembered cutting in car.  took out garbage and planted cutting in avocado pot.  after much thought remembered i wanted to check good will.

i went to good will at 9 closed 'til 10.  thinking.  i decided target sent me letter to use charge or closure, i finally after an hour walking the store found and bought $18 chiffon dress.  @ sprouts clearance olives $1, lava hematite bracelet $1.  

i arrived senior park 10;47 and stretched.  city sent email lobby open for hold picked up lunch and on to main.  updated tv views listening to free.  

wonderful, beautiful day.  doing my sweeps.  i can try on dress and work on shampoo bottle later.  

good chemicals

i'm doing what i want with just the right amount of interruptions to keep it optimum. 

after cesar 911 i went $tore and at senior park found sunday paper in parking lot driveway, bottle, cut sterling silver.  lost signal on to main reliable connection playing and watching news.  pch is freaking again.  

i started the day watching sunday morning channel 5 cooking asparagus omelette with rice and meatloaf.  so good.  read 'what are you' 'til cesar 911.  animals are so energy conscious.  

i went to main for dependable internet.  remembered i wanted 2/1 fish lucky's.  after debating which one i went close to home.  big lots brag amino $4.  

i tossed one fish in freezer after starting oven.  i foiled my pans and parchment the fish.  cooked the entire bag.  dinner i had rice, fish, meatloaf.  

life stories in cartoons

all the supplies i've bought for years will tell my stories.  all those mechanical pencils ever sharp.

i went dollar and bought my noodles and chips.  reception very spotty today senior park.  i may have to go to main.  my dupe car key i paid $90 at osh came apart when i pulled it out of trunk key hole.  who knew.  i checked the original is one piece.  don't know how i'll fix it.  maybe i'll just use more care.  car care.  care more.  before computer cars i had 4-5 sets of car/house keys.  $3-4.  

mail came 11 am 8 in hawaii.  cathy sent me mother's memorial.  i'll wait 'til later.  

i've gotten good at ignoring automatic update.

i tried clearance choc rose pretty good.  i couldn't sleep i folded clothes too late in day.  i'll have to be more aware.  

i made sesame seeds oil amino linguine for dinner with meatloaf and salad.  the 'pasta and more' is terrific.  i paid discover and called cathy.  my pasta was done i told cathy how easy to use microwave and i never met a noodle i didn't like.  i'm so funny.  good dinner good day.

fun day.  i think i'll like retirement.

well.....

dollar store 2 youth copper fit, 2 st pat 2 easter cards, vit c, markers, sketch book, i forgot noodles.

multiple tabs that some won't work.  seems frozen i don't know.  melted.  maybe just took time to load.  i don't know.  i had to drive looking for internet connection senior park.  i stretched my back feels pretty good.  ate patriot soup breakfast not hungry yet. 

12:54 respect.  that's what i most need.  my family was crap at respecting me.  i was used as a focal point to promote their bonding as a family.  i was the enemy.  and that's what i've always settled for.  being blamed.  the only people in my life users and abusers because that's who i felt familiar.  family.  

i want to be the star.  i am the star of my life.  i've worked all my life trying to fit in and deserving a place.  being in survival mode and always on the defensive i've never considered what i want.  i know how i want to feel i don't know where or how.  i'm learning to trust myself to make the right moves.  practice make excellence.

noon i picked up my free guru caffeine drink @ lucky's no customers and clearance val milk choc candies $1 and fresh fruit cup $2 double points.  went to main to compute and check safe way just for you.  ate ok lunch.  i know i want $5 meatloaf. started feeling nausea 2:30 walked store bought meatloaf.  so good 2 pieces settled my stomach.  my back continues to heal.  my hips hurt.

stress free my favorite-soc sec came thru'

i did my stretching first thing at senior park.  i parked in the shade.  i can comfortably compute, eat lunch, refresh.  maybe that's what the spotty internet connection is about.  daily word is 'divine order' interruptions in connection keep me from hyper focus.  

connection went down, i picked up lunch and went to laundry used wi-fi, ate, played all my sweeps.  2 pm home hung clothes, filled water bottles, watched love boat.  decided to try patriot instant food.  poured into measured glass jar.  used half=2 cups.  i don't know i have a stomach ache.  i'm eating ginger candy.    

i dreaded opening letter it had great results!  deposited 2/11!    

adult

7 am fluffy asparagus omelette melted provolone cheese.  i'm so good.  i'm boosting my happy brain chemicals by praising myself.  'habits of happy brain' and 'taming anxiety'  so right the first bite the best.  and then diminishing yummy.  still good.

 

i keep writing out notes on the happy chem and misplacing it.  survival chem=happy to be alive i guess.

named happy chemicals=the addicting chemicals.  that natural high addicts are killing themselves for.  even that seek and find happy high.  and my autistic distraction great for avoiding long term chemical state.  i would have too work too hard to hold a grudge.  mom was probably a little autistic.  dad made up for it.

i walked up lunch today.  i got so excited i forgot mask and had to go back to car.  ok chicken bad steamed cabbage with pungent onion.  2 s v power trucks pulled up to have their lunch in park and i asked about internet.  said they're working on it.  i think the standard go away answer.  that's how it felt.

internet crashed so i went to college safe way for clearance $2/8 hostess dark raspberry cupcakes.  back at seniors regaining my settings.  

art too happy

i don't trust happiness.  now i understand lorie saying i was too happy.  having been disappointed she didn't trust happiness.  the belief that it's a finite quantity not enough to go around.

i just realized i've never seen him happy before.

i somehow managed to get to happiness blog.  no idea why it worked.  

i'm learning to put myself first.  my survival depended on others so i had to put them first.  everybody came before me.  not any more.  the clearance ver-mint tins i bought have stuart's mantra:  i'm good enough.  i'm smart enough.  and doggone it people like me.

doesn't want to load

my nerves are coming alive.  i must have billions.  itching, twitching, flashes of pain.  

i watched concentration 10 am.  he's just a nice goof.  i'm too judgmental.  

came to main at noon feeling frustrated with slow internet.  still don't want to run risk of personal computer.  i feel safer using city.  and it gives me time to look at the world.  now, if i had food here i'd be blissed.

checking e mail lucky flash sale.  i partook.  $1.88 cage free large eggs, lb bacon $2.99, 3/$5 cheese, 4 2 liter coke $.88, asparagus $1.47.  good eating.  i still have 2 yams to cook.    

hurrah!! i found friday's soda.  i've been looking.  i was so excited about the chocolates i scored i had no idea where i put the new flavor.  i want to taste and adjust.  i found a kombucha i put in my empty amino bottle.  watered and flavored it's delicious.  a touch of fermentation stresses digestion for efficacy.  our bodies were evolved for a different world than what we have now.  

i switched music stands for my antenna.  works better.  

i took yesterday off

aaron's birthday.  i stayed home knowing i could go out and compute if i wanted while reveling in 3 days off.  

i showered, watched cesar.  

i ate, repaired old sweater i don't know where i got.  the clearance candy is so good.  check engine still off.  

alarm lessons

the check light out again.  my fears are lessening with the lessons.  maybe eric saying hello.  he is a tease.  i called carlos no answer.  

11:42 i'm sitting in the parking  lot eating my pretty good lunch missing the gals wondering if they'd come and eat in their cars when cathy calls from hawaii to thank me for val card, happy pres day.  how perfect is this?  i have company.  

i saw walter and we talked an hour.  he didn't want any extra weekend food. i finished computing and went to sara lucky's for my free caffeine ice and checked on chocolate.  3 clearance 70 % off.  i remembered i wanted restroom and clearance pork $1.38.  i went to main to compute and realized to check lawrence lucky's.  i bought 4 clearance chocolate and traded flavor ice to one i wanted.  

gives me shivers when i get what i want.  life has been harsh because of my training.  things have been falling over which makes me more comfortable like the familiar.  i repaired old sweater.  i stretched 3 times and each time popping and cracking.

when life is too good i feel depressed and sad waiting for my sisters or mom and dad to steal it from me.  what they did best.  through 'happy brain' the issue was the chemicals they got from feeling superior to me.  it was never about the things they stole.  i had a sad, horribly tortured childhood.  they were just being animals.  nothing personal.  cruelty addicts getting their high.

called carlos

light on.  i'll try driving it a few days.  i figured it out.  it's the idling.  sat/sun i drove no sitting idling just traffic signals 2 min max.  not 5 or more.  and then i added gas treatment.  

watching the impeachment trial much reassuring sanity.  whether anything to come from it we'll see.  so many cowards in congress.  the evidence is so clearly compelling.

i finally figured out the drafts.  compose is just above inbox.  i accidentally had 2 empty.  

oh, yeah i found beautiful new shepherds purse in senior parking lot i transplanted 2 just before rain.  i can harvest tomorrow.  

i'm watching frasier.  young sheldon just doesn't do it for me and hell's kitchen yuck.  i'm waiting for call me cat.  

sitting outside mission

i came for the internet signal i parked under redwood.  regular space taken this 10 x better.  

watching anthology i'm feeling sad.  my lost childhood, knowing john, gorge gone.  i was trying to stay alive.  i lived like a small defenseless hunted animal.  all of them out for themselves and the imprint on my subsequent life.  all i knew was cruelty and abuse.

watching the trump impeachment trial i can't understand how trump isn't on trial for treason.  everything he said and did to destroy the united states for which it stands.  

trough

i'm feeling the down to yesterday's up.  it's not so much the what as the when.  i'm learning any job doesn't have to be done.  cleaning the yard can be done anytime. recycle.  no one depends on me.  i'm finally free.

i can do or not do.  the pressure is off.  I've been watching the Beatles anthology and realized alien was selling me to the highest bidder 1964-5 because of what mom taught her.  none of us had childhoods.  i can do better.  i did better.  i protected nit.  if she chooses alien up to her.  she's set.  

i don't have to sit waiting for game to load i can do something else.  so many games.  things to read.  travel by computer.  i checked out covid vaccine site no appointments available.  

i stopped at tiranga market on corner.  i wanted to check it out.  indian.  very clean.  limp veg dept.  bought sesame seeds and tasteless oil.  i don't know.  i added half to good oil.

when i'm out and about i can avoid my feelings.  i can distract myself.  i need tranquilizer.  i forgot to take.  i thought about it this morning and got distracted.

autistic aren't born with simple biological survival instincts.  

miracle no check engine light!!

i put out bins, 2 apples in car for carlos, loaded laundry for later and started car, light was out.  then i wondered if bulb blew.  went to sv costco gas and dropped off apples at car shop.  he said computer scans and problem went away so light went off.  hurrah!!!!  

i washed clothes dried blanket, found dime 6 pennies walking around lot.  stretched senior park picked up good sloppy joe lunch.  no reception scs so on to main.  put 3 day abandoned chrysanthemum in car.  i'll leave toke.  maybe i should keep mum.  i'm always giving away good.

going so well i'm fear filled.  silent unity replied!!  

i'm so full.  i came home to 'love boat' and started slicing onions for dinner.  cooked with burger added squash.  cooked potato and toasted cornbread with cheese.  so good.  

being human on super sunday

autistic have undeveloped parts of the brain.  like unused muscles.   to be fully human all parts must be accessed.  so our survival is developmentally reorganized.  we don't have the same requirements to evolve.  i think a lot of us don't survive childhood.  i physically can't tolerate lies it upsets my body.  i no longer point it out.  only leads to arguments and denials.  so i prefer being alone.  

i'm distracted by connection interruptions.  i'm playing you tube in background.  kelly of course.  so i'm playing games i can.  i could go to 99 cent or anywhere today.  little traffic or people.  

i stretched walked senior park and now i'm main better connection.  6 minutes under 3 miles.  so my check engine light.  all my short drives.  i used to drive once a week out of the area and now it's once a month.  i drove it too early in the cold.

i put in prayer request speaking from my heart not my head.  i'm just so afraid of more rejection.  i feel depressed when people don't believe me.  like my whole life my family and relationships.  i've been depressed with good reason.

lunch was corn bread and soup, dinner was potatoes, carrots, squash, amino and cheese.

best super ever.  i'm calmer walked stretched twice.  truth is healing.

dw-i consider

my thoughts and actions.  augh!  28 minutes of tom.  i took my phone to walk.  he was driving to deanna's.  he must be totally bored.  della's been in minnesota since november.  he always called every 6 months just like now.  he treats every woman like his mom.  just like nit he asks to do something for me he won't do. 

oh, yeah nit called my voice mail thursday late to tell me covid shots county in south san jose kelly park 9 am who knows when.  didn't say fry or sat.  too far and iffy.  who knows she may be wrong making me wrong.  she may be lying.  i've been lying to myself.  we never had a good relationship always alien&nit against me.  squeezing me out, ganging up on me in search of feel good chemicals.  tom too.

i don't like people.  i only have to love them.  

long line on stretching bars i drove to senior park via benton and found curbside free purse hook for car.  hurrah!!  i wanted one.  good for garden hose too.

i'm rebooting

city internet offline 2 pm yesterday.  i was in the middle of panera order.  drove to arques, ordered in store used last day $2 off steak cheese sandwich has touch of horse radish and pickled onions.  so good.  s c doesn't have horse radish.  i ate it all.  

i had no anchor.  floating i went through 6 (?) years of papers.  i tossed everything on the stack i don't know how long.  2013 and 2014 sort of organized.   since then ignored.  banking citibank and union bank.  

breakfast ate yesterday's pork loin lunch, roll mash/jam.

driving to main hot spot check engine light came on.  carlos is busy 'til monday.  loaded lucky's free true blue cookies.  

12 minute walk stretch at senior park.  10;48 #8 58 o perfect.  tygj.  picked up lunch fish quinoa.  on to citibank to pay bill.  free cookies and 2 mgr spec coconut water $1.  b b b strainer on way to cup via s. creek boulevard to see what's what.  very short block, long traffic lights.  cup is very built up because of apple saucer.  traveled to library parked in shade 12;30 ate.  12;58 stood in line done 6 minutes.  checked out new civic center sign.  no one else noticed it.  autism alarm.  walked around center.  

back to main.   i almost forgot tv listings.  i'm releasing my addiction.  

and now i know s v p-meter is unprotected so chrome will not connect.  finally a message on settings.  

valentine every day-happy thursday to me

i feel like it's valentine's already.  i used to feel x mas lasted a month.  in my heart anyway.  

i remembered i'm out of daily vitamins and stopped $c and stocked up on new window cover.  the old ones very shabby not in a chic way.  

i suppose i could set alarm my fear of forgetting senior lunch and counted absent w/o excuse.  i had a nightmare years ago that's still fresh in my mind.  

new plan.  i'm at seniors 10;45 stretched walked waiting.  picked up lunch and back to front main.  veg soup unlisted item.  

considering taxes, b b b strainer, rehab.  oh, what to do.  did my sweepstakes, aarp videos eye rest, tv guide update.  

i finally remembered 'call me cat'.  on fox.  and 2 pm internet gone.  

no distractions balanced bills, went through statements.  

sigh

a beautiful day main.  parked under tree spotty reception.

woke 6;30 but didn't sleep 'til 1 so....  i have to watch hitch cock stage fright psycho drama later.  if at all.  too tense.  master of suspense.

breakfast;  2 min high wild rice, stir in egg 1 min, stir.  burger i min between parchment, check turn 1 min.  add amino delicious.

51 o no wind is perfect.  clear and clean air.  i dropped off bag groceries sophia's.  hm.. outside locks on gate so i wonder if she's there.  i thought i saw her at church but without walker so probably not her.  i'll leave next bag at park.   called her voice mail.  she called back not remembering me.  i reminded her.  she said she's still there.  i told her i left st j groceries.   

did my brisk walk to fat bars.  young man just arrived i worked in stretched left finding mud coated penny next to tree.  left cookies for crows.  occurs to me to disinfect masks with spray h2o2.   i have rub alcohol.  window screens perfect drying racks.

seniors 7 minute drive and straight back 18 minutes.  chicken fajitas pretty good 1/4 cup re fried beans quarter cup.  i'll be hungry again soon.   i forgot skinny bar stretch.  

came home 2 pm started cooking looking for green squash.  it was on bottom shelf w/corn tortillas.  whew!!

i cooked broccoli potato w/2 slices cheese smokehouse almonds.  so good.  don't feel like burger.  

4 am chemical imperative

logic is powerless to chemistry.  chemistry explains addictions chemical, behavioral, illogical.  people doing what they know is bad and having little power over themselves give up seeing themselves as weak or hopeless or bad.  as children chemical tracks are created to support survival and avoid pain.  those chemical patterns are reinforced over time so changing as an adult is overcoming years of chemical overlays which means that though difficult not impossible to change.  and why over time people can change.  and why a stroke resets the brain.  it's a major chemical interruption.  wipes old programming.

when dad had his cumadin brain bleed he was literally a different person.  rather than self punishment i'd rather see doing good to make up for bad behavior.  seems more productive.  

i'm watching 'blonde venus' and 'desire'.  marlene dietrich played good heart ed women always.  she was very wise.  a good person to study.

i'm still getting used to all this time.  what did i do before that was so important?

went to chase 10 am and stopped by st just food pantry asked john @ store.  2 bags got squash, tender broccoli, potatoes, 1 onion, 11 organic eggs, canned, oatmeal, etc.  tons of frozen i gave back.  took hour half to put away.  

computed @ main 'til 11 and stretched, picked up salty lunch and back to main.  park side poor reception.  front best.  did my computing with stress less.  decided to stretch.  pole is twice diameter.  different muscles stretched.  started sprinkling.  

1;30 inspired to deposit cu no other customers done back computing 2 pm.  called soc sec cindi said mrs corralis has been on vacation and saul's day off she took info again referred me to her supervisor david who will process.  so far no payments made no actions on my account.  whew!!  

home 3;11 in time for love boat.  put groceries away and cooked broccoli burger 2 slices cheese.  

8;30 i'm already sleepy.

still lucid dreaming-am tires

i've loved so many people who couldn't love me.  maybe this life is to be given back.  the only thing we keep is our energy and what we do with it.

 3:30 am i dreamed dead eric called me on phone and left senior weekend food on (heaven on cul-de-sac) front porch.  i open door and old fellow comes in to get ball from family game in my back yard and has heart attack i tell eric i need to hang up and dial 911.  i need to get on with my life of looking after folks.  i guess even heaven is about adjustments.

i've been to chase.  inside at-m down.  outside $ limit 1 k.  tomorrow again.  eh.  i surprise myself it's no big deal.  the old me would have been irritated annoyed.  who am i?  a little scary.  i put county returns in car to do cup but since i can't do complete banking i'll wait.  i suppose i could do laundry.  or at least load car.  i could shampoo hair.  always something to do.

i'm sitting in front main.  i can stretch here except the wind is biting cold.  weather said less than last week gale but winds still pretty rough.  i'll wait for warmer.

seniors is warm no wind.  i stretched real good way better than main i think the height of bars makes a difference.  if only computer worked.  

picked up lunch back to main still cold windy.  i ate my lunch i was hungry.  breakfast 7 am i made wild rice 2 eggs 2 slices swiss cheese.  didn't stick.  

back to main after tire pressure 2 lbs low each tire.  i went to b b b 2 miles from main.  looked for fine strainer.  oxo.  i'll check website.  forgot coupons.  had gift card.  i had coupon all along on dash.  

package on porch from cathy.  she paid 10 to send 5 ceramic ox new year 5 postage.  this year 2/12.