zen halloween

i'm feeling at one in the universe.  meditating on peace.  maybe it's the lack of stress.  my shoulders are so sore.  i need to find a closer bar than senior center to hang from to decompress my spine.  24 hour gym requires appointment.  look up local parks.

watching voting news on 36.3 world news.  american living in china vote by mail thinks it's a lot of work.  when i was bedridden i voted.  i couldn't physically go to vote without pushing myself beyond my physical limits.  mailing was much easier, the only reasonable option.  talk about perception.  

i wasn't sure about freebies; teddy's root beer or ginger ale at lucky's, 3 bridges egg bites at maria safe way.  i couldn't decide if i wanted to get dressed and forage.  finding in stores.  then 9;55 i let go and dressed, drove to lucky's for their last root beer.  supposed to get shipment but who knows.  safe way maria i went iris to wolf.  coming home i took detour.  

then i found bag of oat meal raisin cookies from toke.  she said she left them last night.  i was so hyper focused i never noticed.  talked half hour.  

then noon cathy called received socks and her only card she loves halloween.  we talked an hour she had stroke last week and tests this week results next week said she'd call i'll see.  i told her how 6 months chelation mom avoided triple bypass.  she's going to look into it.  avoid another stroke.  she'd had mini stroke before in beauty chair.  15 seconds out.  she called her sister to let her know and her sister like mine no help.  and her sister made sure cathy knew she wasn't invited for  thanksgiving.  OUCH!!  hurts.

twitchy 10/30

strange feeling.  stress from meeting new dentist.  

dr is great.  listened to me.  permanent crown tooth #13 and prepped #15 $355 half of total.  she's so good.  half hour appointment is perfect for my back neck.  she said no gum or crunchy bits on temporary crown.

picked up lunch car #13.  walked park.  feeling good.  safe way sushi free water no clearance.  home small casserole good.  1;30 hungry ate 2 inari 4 crunchy cal rolls.  

i found dvd in player.  i called library she said just put in baggie and drop in slot.  i worried damage.  i took 2nd trip gave to person.  whew!

1160 lawrence sta rd halloween

haunted house.  kids in grade school instinctively knew the energy.  it was weird.  kids i went to school with jefferson jr high told me they thought the house was haunted.  they were right.  when we moved in the left over energy dictated the behavior.  residual psychic energy.

barren spirits.  this house has always been empty of happiness.  i'm clearing the depression.  i instinctively felt the emptiness and filled the spaces with junk.  people fill emptiness with junk.  

getting is easier than having.  having requires maintenance.  

sports is all about physical contact.  surviving sleeping alone is new modern.  we mammals were raised to live in groups.  safety in numbers.  we don't have that.  sex addicts search for that sense of connection.  our bodies crave contact.  i was watching split second one contestant played women's rugby loved the scrum.  like children the first time on a soccer field play in a pack.  the running down field in soccer chasing the quarry.  football one tribe defending attacking another tribe.

$tore, seniors 9;36 #2.  did my half hour around center mound on east side a plethora of shepherds purse.  wonder if it's good for tags.  yesterday man sprayed around parking lot so who knows.  

i'm feeling timeless.  oh, my neck shoulder blades arms.  

returned islands of wonder, mae west, burnt orange heresy, final 4th season good place.  picked up fannie flagg's wonder boy hurrah!!

ate my weird cottage pie, roll, broccoli.  rested watching f troop.  watched pbs circus barnum bailey, ringling brothers, the history of american entertainment.

washed my hair readying for tomorrow meeting dr danielle weihle.  new people new anything stress.  

i guess that's why it takes me so long to use new things.  i had these rainbow luggage belts who knows how long before i thought of using one as a bathrobe belt.  slowly but surely i'm using my treasures.  like the 6 clearance tins of rescue pastilles i've had for years.  

i finally got my ballot.  news said i'm not alone.  others have missing ballots.

my omelet burrito

heaven.  i'm lying in my warm cozy bed eating my potato squash veg medley omelet burrito.  

i had a warm dream of my hub leaving for work popping his head in to apologize for a disagreement admitting he was wrong.  i give him a big hug saying i'd already forgotten it.  warm satisfying.

living the secret cd isn't totally comfortable.  change.  my aspergers is screaming danger.  i want love.

9;56 #4  well that's just weird.  somehow this blog set itself bold and medium.  i reset manually.  walked around park stretched.  oh, forgot legs stretch.  eh, home.  i'm improving forgiving accepting myself.  the verbal programming is less.  quiet and intermittent.  amazing i ever learned anything when it was constantly in my head.  i suppose that's one form of immortality.  living in someone else's head.  i wonder if other people realize it's a form of immortality.

exhaustion is from tension.  high blood pressure hypertension.  i come into the living room turning on recording and sit after eating lunch and my body is knotted up.  i consciously relax and i feel the blood rushing into starved muscles.  seniors are tired from tension.  maybe dad wasn't lazy but tired from tension.  he stopped moving when he retired, muscles growing weaker and weaker.  stress growing stronger and stronger.  maybe why hunger grows, from starving muscles.  i remind myself to relax my head.  i'm always leaning forward not relaxing.

big sigh.

i'm contemplating library pick ups.  i have holds at both.  and i'm first to request 'green lights' at main.  

i have shivers.  7 pm no internet.  i have tabs still connected and some not.  

yup-mudita

i made sure i saved everything and it was still here this morning.  then i published.  

with the stress pastilles i use less nicotine gum.  

i stayed in bed 'til 9.  9.  i've never done that not sick before.  woke 4 something, turned on player to watch 'good place'.  it was so mostly silly i didn't expect much but heaven is like i dream.  they took it a step further.  eternity is a long time i hadn't considered.  what comes after eternity.  having love eternally is perfect.  so what if only god loves me here.  

10;07 #6 car i thought about walking to post office but i wore clogs so no.  i walked around park talked to mirek.  someone harvested shepherd's purse.  ground undisturbed, roots still in place.  must be the young gal i talked to about removing tumors.  

$8.40 postage.  the flip female charged me for 2 packages at the post office.  for  2 $1 socks and 2/$1 cards.  we're worth it.  so $11.67 for happiness. 

i spent 2 days looking for the opposite to schadenfreude in my posts and finally looked at the instructions to find it.  bunches of stuff i'll never use.

feeling sad.  i watched 'burnt orange conspiracy' dvd.  i knew she was going to die.  she wouldn't shut up. i don't know.  i'm yelling at the movie shut up and run.  reminded me of my crazy family.  you don't get between them and what they want.  you run away.  mom threatened to kill me so many times.  i wanted to see mick jagger act.  he was ok.  i've been worried about watching dvds and then i remembered hurrah i have the portable as back up.  so i can watch anywhere.   rested 'til 4;30.

8 pm i'm suddenly so thirsty i drank 32 oz.  maybe the cobbler.

don't know what i'm doing

woke at 4;40 effortlessly changed dvd players considering plugging in vhs in living room.  when God's in charge energy added.  green light.  i requested from county.  i watched mae west dvd.  maybe she was before alice faye.  

9;57 #4 senior lunch line i'm learning how to be.  forgot phone charging.  home i still have 6 cooked drumsticks.  i ate 3 last night.  i had brown rice soup for breakfast.  just what i wanted.  comfort.  i didn't get a lot from family.  makes me shiver thinking of them.  i used to feel cold most of the time.  they were icebergs.  

i looked on 24 hour gyms now open 5 am-930 pm pool but no spa.  online appointments only.  so i'll wait.

i shuffled my pages.  i don't know i'm just so tired emotionally drained.  i used to be so good at not feeling anything now everything is too much.  could be the detox celery i ate.

folks don't realize everything we do online is observed and sold to marketing companies to get more money from us.  in the world it's not enough to be a good person, we must be perceived to be a good person.  and everyone online is projecting what they want to be not who they are.  feeling not enough.  i know that one intimately.  the easiest way to manipulate and control is fear and insecurity.  and family is so good at that.    

came straight home rinsed red pepper sauce off fish i ate with brown rice and greens.  basic housekeeping.

malthus in 1798 predicted plague as a population control along with war and famine.  i suppose covid has more to do with overpopulation than anything else.  if they hadn't cut down the forests forcing the bats into people populated areas we wouldn't have covid.  and if people didn't wantonly travel spreading it while polluting the planet more than necessary we wouldn't have it everywhere.  i wonder how the countries engaged in wars and genocides are doing.  population control. 

i'm feeling so much

dvd player malfunctioning.  i'm watching broadcast tv.  life is depressing.  fires, covid, tragedies, accidents.  

while i sleep, my life on the other side is happy with loving people. i don't want to do anything here. 

i'm feeling so many conflicting physical emotions.  oh, what to do.  

my blog is automatically saving now.  that's new. 

my shoulders, back are so sore, tight.  feels like i'm sprouting wings.  all the commercials, asking for money making me feel like i'm jumping out of my skin.  i can no longer ignore begging.  

living with the family i learned to cut off feeling or die.  

i'm vibrating generating love letting it flow out in waves.  

i'm crying, releasing pent up tears of a lifetime.  

reliving my birth 4;30

so painful, squished, cold, skin cold hurts all over.  my stomach hurts in sympathy.  crying starts the lungs working.  feeling helpless hopeless, trapped in a prison.  everything too loud too bright too cold.  mom repeatedly told me i was a blue baby not enough oxygen.  she constantly reinforced my failings like i could do anything about them.  she tormented ridiculed denigrated my existence making me wish i'd never been born.  constantly reminding me i was a disappointment not being a boy.  i would have been the alcoholic suicide of the family drama.  my designation.  my claim to family fame.

sadness and depression logical result, eh.  

so i'm keeping on.  i toasted a senior sandwich, cooked 5 med eggs.  organized my supplements.  i feel i need glucosamine.  i substituted co q 10.  something missing.  i'm doing what i know.  

thinking like the designer.

10;02 #8 car.  as long as i update=save before i leave the page everything remains intact.  if i'm away too long without saving content disappears.  i wonder where it goes or maybe it evaporates separating into pixels.

doris day's 'calamity jane' is all fiction.  all of it.  life is frustrating.  i'm thinking of the big package of chicken drum sticks.  how to cook what flavors.

i left the extra groceries in the park effortlessly like finding the cd player yesterday.  high energy feeling ok.  green lights.  meeting momma the first time.  mathew maconaghy wrote memoir of 35 years of journals to record success and misses of life called 'green lights'.  there's a glitch in the underlining.  

i'm toasting the apple coffee cake.  it's phyllo and apple pie filling.  i'm listening to cd.  all my years of depression coming out.  

kit from dentist called.  dr alex left.  she wanted me to change fr'y to wed'.  i declined.  we'll see.

i'm feeling.  up and down round and round.  i had my feelings stuffed.  i'm learning to process.

grace or karma

i woke remembering the sadness i feel for my niece and nephews.  what a world.  i thought the unseen was bad before and it's worse.

i decided i wasn't capable of raising happy healthy people knowing the tortured existence i suffered.  children are too precious to me to take the chance of adding to the planet pain.  i knew i didn't have the ability to raise a child on my own and didn't have a healthy community to help me.  the world wasn't a safe enough place for children.  i can't perpetuate what i lived.  i want better for the children.  my sisters wanted insurance against loneliness.  "misery loves company" i just understood the stephen king title.

i couldn't do that to another soul.  i'm suffering enough.  i don't need to add more suffering to the planet.  even the joy is tainted with sadness.  i would suffer more knowing i created children to suffer with me.  i can't cry after being beaten and humiliated for crying.  my tears sit in a knot in my gut.

my right temple hurts down the side through my jaw.

i stopped at main library to pick up films and i decided to look through neighborhood freebies around the corner.  i found sony disc man with av plug.  works great the only thing it doesn't turn off.  i removed battery.  

i stopped at st j to say hi because they haven't been open.  chris gave me 2 huge bags of groceries;  eggs, celery, bread, tuna, rice, squash, potatoes, tofu, coffee cake, frozen chicken, edamame, 2 pk tortillas, cucumbers, onions, kiwi, 

limitless- jim kwik memory book.  i'm watching dr. oz.  avocado, blueberries, olive oil, broccoli, eggs. "a boob e".  using body memory touch head, nose, mouth, ears, throat.   

don't know what i'm feeling

i made a burrito for breakfast.  i don't want to do anything.  i feel like a having a fit.  i was never allowed.  i don't know how.  i'll think about it.

i remembered pge due and went through detoured construction.  i affirmed arrive perfect time.  got there plenty of time.  feeling the old adrenaline push.  that's nicotine rush.  same.  my body sore.  i'm all warmed up so it isn't that.   mom's or a's frog seems to have left me.  bye mom and a.  amber ring jumped off but i heard it hit floor.  wore moon stone ring too.

met rodney one arm down the street.  he must have taken care of his mom.  said she died 10 years ago.  he's been there as long as me.  he's thinking of fixing house to suit him.  me too.  be nice to have company.  

seniors 9;58 # 6.  walked park.  feeling blahh.  ate lunch so depressed.  i slept depressed.  totally gone.  now tailbone on fire.  i don't want to do anything.  i have to make appointments and cook the burger.  i'm feeling guilty.  

hopefully it's just more judgment surfacing.  nora monaco 1985 said i carried the guilt for the family.  i guess still some left.  i don't believe in guilt.  i don't do anything to feel guilty.  i cooked 2 burgers in oven with my season blend i added ginger.  so good i cooked 2 more.  meat makes me feel calmer.  opened bach rescue pastilles.  

ayahuasca

i watched the dvd staying in bed 'til 8'45.  we are what we eat.  we become what we feel.  there's so much pain, suffering, perversion.  i wonder about caroline myss.  she does the same thing.  one way to heal the planet is healing ourselves.  a lot is said about respect for the planet/ourselves.  healing trauma.  my life.  i found the dvd simply because it was listed as a new library acquisition.  how i found stuber.

if we poison the planet we have nowhere else to go.  

arrived senior line 10;14 #7 walked park checked shepherd's purse still growing remembered to rinse and dry cuttings.  miracle usually grows jan-feb.  unusual.  stretched and enjoyed park.

after an afternoon of relaxing i debated going for my last day safe way freebie annie's mac cheese.  6;30 i decided as as experiment to change store.  that confuses me because i used $5 off at scu.  but then i confuse easily.  free shells white cheddar i wanted and couldn't find on the website.  

cupertino 12;36

i picked up my senior lunch and i went home for forgotten wet towels.  i'm not hungry yet.  i ate rice beans pork for breakfast.  library opened lobby and i picked my dvd off shelf.  

i stopped at nob hill for ground meat.  new behaviors.  

i don't understand

 i watch tv and can't find sanity.  how to live in an insane world.  even though i've been aware since 8 years old or maybe i'm reliving the fear when i realized my parents and others representing power and authority preferred complaining to change.  i want to run to safety when there's no where to run.  no place is safe.  probably my 8 year old life experience of living with denying 'adults'.

my back is feeling unstable adding or maybe causing my feelings of unrest.  

i wore my back brace and cooked the pork ribs smothered in sliced onions.  i toasted one sandwich for breakfast with pickled onions and lettuce.  i used the pint of milk for blueberry cobbler in microwave 3 minutes.  i used pasta and brownie cookers.  food heaven.  

2 hours no internet i felt fear truly alone.

how would i know the news, tv, blog, cut off from the world.  fear is only in my mind.  well, actually body.  fear of being with my family.   abuse is definitely stored in the tissues.  all the tight muscles are a record of every hurt left unexpressed unacknowledged.

i thought of going to mountain view cooling center 1-7 if i got too hot or uncomfortable.  i had it planned just in case and i didn't need it.  nice knowing i could though.  my family i could never depend on and i learned to take better care of myself in every way and they hated me for it.  thinking outside the herd.  

i never liked the way machine drying my clothes felt so i air dried them on hangers.  the electricity made my skin feel creepy crawly and the fabric limp.  my mom tried it and complained of rust i used cl r.  i had to tell her to use plastic hangers not metal.  then she complained on the shoulders being bumpy so i had to explain  using pins to hold the shoulders in place.  how simple and obvious.     

i considered pick up drop off libraries but i can do that this week when i pay bills.

the rice and beans i heated, prepped tortillas with swiss and cream cheese, shredded lettuce.  rolled burritos.  the beans had a rock.  i spit out one mouthful.  now i know why the manischewitz 4 bean packages were on clearance sale.  not sorted.  so not a convenience.   i can mix my own presorted beans.  i never thought about it.  the flavors are different when mixed.  needs no seasoning.  

dental $500

and i'm worth it.  i get antiseptic rinse before and after.  i feel safe.  i'm still clenching no matter how many times i remind myself.  my left shoulder blade like the once i took ibuprofen and my back locked up excruciating for 2 days.  and my right temple like the stroke 1972.  

i had to move the barrier again.  i don't understand why the guys sydney and man park on the street.  

so i'm watching igor and resenting the 3 staff white women endlessly talking myna birds eating senior lunches from the kitchen.  eh, i'm in the cool.  i have 2 burritos waiting for me at home.  the chicken brown rice cup of beans lettuce.  today's daily word forgiveness is presenting me with opportunities to practice.  

i left 6;30 decided i wanted $5 sushi free water safe way even though i have 2 burritos i made from lunch waiting for me at home.  i walked store considering c food green salad.  looked for clearance dessert or anything whip cream.  ate sushi 1 burrito and pbj tortilla.  yum....  fried onions on sushi and inari.  

i count my blessings.

i've been reliving my toddler hell

 i grew up afraid mom would kill one of us.  i can't remember a happy time.  one where i was happy in the family.  i've been happy away from the family.  any attempt to express happiness was met with criticism and sarcasm.  

acknowledging and embracing the fact i can feel my muscles relaxing my stomach un-clenching.  

when nit was 2-3 she said she was going to run away.  must have been a weekend no one else home.  i knew at 7-8 i couldn't do anything to change her mind so i offered to make her sandwiches for when she got hungry.  2 peanut butter jelly.  she decided she could run away anytime.  maybe she was just hungry.  i don't know.  i was just trying to survive.  

today's daily word forgiveness i thought was dentists at 1 pm.  it's everything.

peggy cappy

on nutrition was talking around food.  i expected more somehow.  half hour on the experience of eating healthy.  i started a while back.  i guess from when i first considered food as medicine.  food combinations easy recipes are already available.  

10;04 #5 car after $tore.  chips, socks, mouthwash.   i actually prefer the listerine now.  is i dilute it it doesn't sting as much and goes farther.

i'm sitting in my car senior lunch line having taken my walk and done my stretches.  i suppose i could practice calm conscious breathing.  relax.....  just becoming aware.  for a time 'beware' was a recurring message in stores, on mail.  be aware.  just focus on breathing.  listening to the sounds of the day.  

lunch was yucky pasta.  i ate and nothing on tv i lay down to watch yoga warm up fell asleep 'til 2 threw my things in hawaiian rolling back pack arrived senior cooling 2;30 had to move barrier but this time i didn't pinch my finger.  sydney and man here parked on street and walked in.  resolved no receipt costco fill up sunday.  23.22 mpg.  12 cents/mile.

relaxation yoga

 i stayed in bed 'til 9.  woke at 5 slept to igor there's so much there.  i'm dreading the rain like dad did signalling no work.  i used to love the cozy feeling.  now i feel dread.

today's daily word 'let go let god'.  especially pertinent for muscle processing.  i have to keep re minding myself this ennui won't last forever even though it feels like forever.  joy doesn't have the same effect.  i wonder why.   feeling sad.

10 am senior lunch #6.  my calves sore from yesterday stretching.  my eyes stinging air quality moderate.  air now .gov.   walked, ambled 30 min still feeling sad and tired of feeling sad.  stretched tight leg muscles and back.  feeling hot ate some anti allergy and lemon drop for tummy.  eyes still stinging.  

watching senate supreme court hearing is a kangaroo court.  the republicans have already announced trump pick will be confirmed.  i'm glad i never had kids to suffer the world they're creating.  the future holds more non white murders.  i pray for the kids doomed by their race.  coney barrett wants convicted violent felons to have guns and the right to vote.  open season on non whites.

i have more tools for relaxation.  peggy cappy.  now i know why i bought so many blankets.   to use as bolsters.

igor on tv i feel happy.  daily word came today.  i made prepackaged bean soup.  i don't know how many years i've had it.  

more igor

 schadenfreude's igor punishes himself to avoid being hit by his master and mistress.  that's what we learn as kids.  if we punish ourselves the parents won't beat us.

hanging on

i'm watching the news looking for inspiration.  i'm feeling lost, abandoned, alone.  my shoulders are sore.  as a child i spent a lot of my life feeling sick from the physical emotional abuse.  i counted myself lucky my abuse came mostly from my sister.  mom was much stronger.  hurt more.  still lasting.

as i unlock muscles past pain is unlocked and released experienced.  post traumatic stress is more physical than emotional locking emotions away for survival.  can't perform distracted.  no time to mourn on a battlefield.

i started 'how to sing' lessons.  full body exercises.  my body.  breathing, posture, head and neck.  ouch.

people would be healthier if they stayed in their body.  they focus outside on food, drugs, gossip anything to escape the body.  

i wondered why seniors with the opportunity didn't exercise for health and happiness.  they're too tired.

lunch was ok.  9;55 #5.  home ride smooth they finally finished paving monroe.  

ted talk-matt walker on the importance of sleep.  

re mind ing

when the fear and uncertainty comeback i calm myself and re mind myself i'm ok.  i think myself calm by considering there is no imminent danger.  god has always loved me.  being human i need human love too.  

emotion trumps intellect.  emotion is a primal state.  intellect develops later.  that's why self change is so seemingly impossible.  emotions are survival hardwired to protect us immediately.  

trump uses emotions to short circuit thinking.  he uses emotions against people's intelligence.  no wonder he has no respect for anyone when he can manipulate so easily by saying ridiculous things to switch opponents from intellect to emotion.  he's trying to manipulate the virus fallout.  

i went shopping noting the changes safe way freebie p b $6, .98 iceberg, dollar store chips, fish oil, super b.  cooked clearance chicken smothered sliced onions microwaved.

a kinder world

to be kind=to be alike.  a world like me.  i'm watching twilight zone marathon decades on channel.  cbs 1986 more hope filled positive conclusions.  george r r martin editor maybe i'll check out 'game of thrones'.  themes went dark again so i got in car remembered gas.  went to lucky's halford found chicken and freebie kababs but no water.  bought chicken and went to saratoga for 3 waters using my $4 rewards then back to halford for freebie.  at home i felt tired and elated.  hungry i heated 2 servings freebie chicken kababs with 2 cookies dessert. 

the problems in the world would be cured by respect.  trump respects no one and nothing.  so while during obama biden 14,000 died of world wide pandemic virus during trump 213,000+ are still dying.

what say you

 sleeping to 'good omens' 3;30-6.  i don't know how i missed mention for all this time.  the book is 30 years old.  

i got up 7;14 to watch split second.  then 'forbidden planet'.  i'm having saturday for me.  no cleaning house, no working, living the life my sisters enjoyed.  i took care of all of us. i cooked, cleaned, shopped, i was cinderella.   i numbed out from physical, emotional, psychic pain to survive.  i'm coming alive and it hurts.

i went to pay citibank at halford closed, atms down.  called the number nothing.   i drove to saratoga paid it then lucky's, have water, out of freebie, got lettuce.  now that i have a method of cracking it open and using it from center out.  so i can load rewards points for water.  hurrah!!

i don't know.  this format is very frustrating.  it doesn't publish.  i had to go into blog and new post and then back. 

eh, i have tomorrow and monday.  

aaugh new format

i do not like the new format.  i'll get used to it or find somewhere else to journal or erase my posts.  i don't know.  i'm feeling threatened.  update fail pops up .  loading icon.  giving me a stomach ache.  and instead of just publishing it asks for confirm and then doesn't publish.  

aspergers doesn't like change.  it's perceived as imminent immediate danger.  purely reflexive.

i'm feeling panic i want to run away.  mom went outdoors and played in the yard.  

new beginning.  i just watched the pilot for 'family affair' broadcast 9/12/1966.  tv time machine.  

9;47 car #4 senior lunch queue i still want to run.  i'll take avocados for squirrels.  lots of problems with this format. the constant loading is distracting and pop up fail messages are disheartening.  

no signal for my games.  i don't know what i want to do about shopping.  fry safe way.  lucky fry freebie is repeat.  ok for free.  i'll have lunch through tomorrow.  i could go sat and pay bank.  i need cash from safe way to pay pge.  i don't know.

i checked out college safe way for tortillas and fry chili.  got cash.home toke left me cookies.  extra food for holiday 1 serving box cheerios and single serve tomato soup.  

suicide and alcoholism

since i have in my family history the prevailing  mind/spirit conditions that motivated and crafted this country for my own survival i made a study of the desperation and hope that drive immigrants.  fight and flight.  seeking a better world.  in my family history selfish reasons, not to better their children's lives but to increase the parents luxuries.  alcoholics are basically seeking not to live but achieve a false state of bliss using chemicals.  the key word is use.  tools are only as good as the craftsman and alcoholics are basically weak, lazy, stunted, immature children using excuses to continue using and abusing all around them.

what i've learned most importantly; anyone labeling me negative characteristics is using language to attempt to subjugate and gain power over me.  you have a problem with me you have the choice to go elsewhere to find someone better.  if you continue to attempt coercion the problem is you.

emotional resilience is extremely hard for me.  so much unnecessary pain exists because of the mental health pandemic rampant in this country.  it's become a way of life for too many.  it's the accepted normal.

racism is 'normal' in this country proved by electing president trump king of the mentally ill racists.  racism is a mental illness condition.  racism is the crystallization of the 'me superior you inferior' mindset.  insanity was required to own human beings.  cutting off human feelings to maim and torture enslaved both parties.  the 'owners' cut off their feelings maiming themselves before torturing the slaves.  owners dehumanized first themselves in order to convince themselves slaves were less than human.  this country was built on blood and insanity.

the jailer and prisoner effect.  both are two sides of the same coin.  both are prisoners.

dysfunction is continuing behaviors that have become obsolete and detrimental.  this country was constructed on slavery, indentured servants.  liberty and justice for all are still a dream.

100 years ago beating children in a threatening world taught immediate traumatic lessons about imminent threats; poisonous snakes, bears, falling off a cliff.   and yet children are still being beaten.  i was.  i was burned to expiate my sins.  what sins can a child have so heinous burning is required?  burn the adults.  children don't need to be punished, they need to be taught.  oscar hammerstein south pacific 'you've got to be taught'  sums up racism and fear.  we've been taught what functioned 100 years ago.  grow up america.       

unfortunately the majority think technology is a substitute for maturing, growing up.  children are technology savvy without the experience to make sound decisions.

intelligence is the ability to take facts in a logical order and determine a conclusion not the regurgitation of disparate facts to no purpose.  otherwise the dictionary or encyclopedia are intelligent.  people sadly believe smart phones and access to online facts makes them smarter.  technology makes no one smarter.  makes life easier lazier.  easier to insulate searching for opinions instead of facts.  we have a president trump who believes his opinions are facts.  how insane. 

sister dreams

all night.  so i'm sleeping to igor all night reprogramming my present.  accepting what is and working to a better tomorrow.

'picture of dorian gray' trump believes he can get away with anything.  the wolves have smelled blood.

i bet little bev voted for trump.  i pull up 10 am car #3 and she comes over talking through my open window without a mask or distancing.  who she thinks she is i don't know.  she's complaining people are late.  so what.  i can't change that.  doesn't matter to her.  it's cool and overcast i took my leisure.  i ask her no mask and she acts like she's just waking up.  so stupid so irritating.  righteous indignation.  lol.

2;30 i went lucky's to check on water none

i watched vp debate.  harris was brilliant and cool.

i'm watching 'the medallion' jackie chan remake of spicy 'golden child' and cheers and taxi.

feeling nostalgic for the sister i never had

i created a fictitious sister as i imagined her to be.  i can continue my make believe sister to give me courage when the sister i have depresses me.  huh, never occurred to me before.  new thinking.  i can accept the live one and not have to say goodbye to the one i wanted.  i can live with this.  no wonder there are so many changeling stories cross culturally.  others have been disappointed too.  applies to both.

sitting waiting at seniors 9;46  #2 car.  i thought about doing my libraries and left county at home.  i can do city.  tomorrow being wed late hours.  so maybe county fry.  maybe both tomorrow.  oh, i'm trying to run from my feelings by doing.  i have to feel my feelings to change them.

when i first got here no signal and now weak.  does it strengthen over time?  is it like brain synapse that over time continuous use creates rut.  i keep forgetting chrome has clock.  i keep looking at phone.  i decided to go libraries tomorrow bathroom break.  tv listening to right wing antiabortion seem sane until they claim half of abortions are black to reduce population.  so they have more blacks to shoot i'm guessing.  funny how pro life don't care about kids after they're born only before.

i have two other big karaoke in back closet.  i'm thinking of getting a small boom box for living room.  took me half hour digging.  checked for peroxide in side room none.  now listening cd and resting.  my sit bones are sore.  energy is moving.

nothing on tv.  i'm feeling delightfully bored.  i like it.  no trauma drama disasters.

whew

i put out garbage and recycle bins.  mom made such a big deal about it.  the world would end.  my life was cleaning and working to pay my bills.  they never gave me anything but regularly gave the sisters money.  they let me know i wasn't part of the family only a servant tolerated as long as i was useful.

i went to dollar store for mouthwash didn't have my preference.  no chips again.  fruit c.  walmart i walked store looking for grapefruit mix found 2 boxes at different clearance site.  peroxide swan not equate brand i'll have to mail order.

my neck and shoulders almost better from half hour dental chair.  i called for friday appointment to give me weekend to recover.  picked up lunch and home. 

5 pm it's so hard to stay happy living in the childhood home.  every day is colored by pain.  i rested listening to cd, stretched.  nights are hard feeling the old memories of the tension.  such an unhappy alcoholic house. 

scary 2.3 halloween

all month long started with 'canterville ghost'.  i loved this movie as a child.  i'm feeling safe and secure.  weekends were usually quiet and calm with everyone gone.  and that's how it feels. 

so i collected up garbage and recycles to put out.  doing everything relaxed.  after living the majority of my life anxious and stressed, wow, this feels so good.  i'm sleepy and yawning.

actually, it's probably lack of oxygen from the smoke and fires up north.  my free gum arrived 10 am on a sunday.  i'm thrilled.  i had toasted senior sandwich with my homemade pickled onions for lunch.  i don't have to go anywhere or do anything.  i can't believe it.  i could never have imagined it. 

so smoky overcast

i'm remembering eric and how a year after i wrote him a $60 check for counseling that he ignored i no longer had the money.  he always charged me $500 whenever i got a tune up or repair.  i couldn't help him.  he'd split $1500 with the guys and pay me $100 for the same work.  i know company parties he charged $5-7k easily.  i guess i could have said something but that japanese inequity wasn't my problem it was his.  he pretty much ignored anything i had to say anyway.  he chose to live old school.  huh, like tom.  i was the first to respect him.  i change lives by seeing them.  respecting their existence.

my neck and shoulders are so sore from the half hour in the dental chair with my jaw open.  massaging my muscles i'm snap, crackling and popping.  i can't tell if anything else is hurting my shoulders hurt so bad.

i cooked onions and then cooked beef forgetting seasoning in my enthusiasm.  i took senior lunch veggies, beef, my homemade teriyaki sauce absolutely brilliant.  now on to potatoes.  ooh, carrots.  maybe curried.

trump has covid

the stock markets are falling.

all this time is forcing people to think.

i'm having more childhood flashbacks.  mom driving two lane lawrence station road surrounded by fields specifically when she hit a chicken poof feathers.  and visiting killarney farms housing tract donkey and colt with mt in a stroller was bitten.  it was cold so we were wearing sweat shirts.  i was 6-7.

took my time getting to cooling 2-8.  called for nicotine gum delivery 4 times before accomplished.  phone lines messed up. 

dental went well i need a crown 2 weeks.  took 4 hours for novocaine to wear off.  just a little sore.  ate lunch on right side.

4 pm i'm feeling happy finished 'fifth element'.  the universe is saved by love.  some movies  i love and watch over and over.  like 'stuber' and 'igor'.  i'll have to figure out the attraction. 

 burger king i finally had chicken fries and a whopper.  so sleepy and tired.

even more

watching igor 'you don't have to be evil'  'everyone has an evil bone' you don't have to act on, you have a choice.  free will.  'i'd rather be a good nobody than an evil somebody'.  or a good somebody.

the history of america has so many robber barons.  trump is a criminal bully consistently defrauding and stealing money.  people equate money with power.  i don't believe he knows the difference between right and wrong.  he's conditioned like a dog to get what he wants.  words have no meaning to him.  reagan's lies gave him alzheimers i wonder what trump's fate will be.

i picked up lunch, got chase cash, deposit to cu, bought h2o4 water bevmo, took toke avocados, found half dozen house+car keys run over on machado and ct in road, and home.  lunch was good or i was extra hungry by 12;30.  watched some tv, dollar store very bare, on to senior cooling.  they opened building and left barricades in parking lot so i moved one pinched my finger and parked.  oops.  i laid my hand on chrome pad.

i'm writing auntie finally.  i want to mail it and pick up dinner later and come back to cool.  or i can have snacks.  with low blood sugar i learned to eat a little frequently.

i remembered to eat allergy plant.  see if tomorrow dental is better.  i finished letter mailed it 4;30 bought safe way seafood salad and p'nut butter cups cookies i ate in car 93 o.  stayed 'til 6;30 and stopped woman walking on machado i gave her keys to find owner.

i'm proud of myself.  i find things because i notice.