ch-ch-changes

YESTERDAY I COULDN'T GET MEDIUM  D 3 TO PLAY SO I STARTED WATCHING MOM AND DISC 2-7 WOULDN'T PLAY AND TODAY WORKS.

UP SINCE 4;30.  MY BACK IS EXCRUCIATING FROM STAYING HOME NOT WEARING BRACE.  I MAY HAVE OVER STRETCHED.  

MY RELATIONSHIP WITH MOM WAS TAKING CARE OF HER SINCE I WAS 8 SO SHE WOULDN'T KILL ME.  SHE BLAMED ME FOR EVERYTHING.  THAT'S WHAT BULLIES DO.  BLAME OTHERS.  I'M HORRIBLY WOUNDED.  I CAN'T DENY IT ANY MORE.  THE FACT SHE HATED ME/HERSELF DOESN'T MAKE THE PAIN GO AWAY.  IRONIC I'M BLAMING HER.  I FEEL UNLOVABLE.

INNER CHILD WORK HAS GOTTEN ME TO ADMIT THE TRUTH.  WHEW!!

AND I FOUND MY SOFT BLACK FINGER FREE GLOVES.  MY TASK FOR THE DAY.  I STOPPED $SANTA SET TO BLOG 8:46.  oh my back aches.  I WENT TO EXERCISE SENIORS, RENEWED CHROMEBOOK AND THEN CHASE.  HALF MY BANKING PAYING BILLS. 

AT CENTRAL LIBRARY I BORROWED MORE 'MOM' READ THE NEWSPAPERS.  SAW 'IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE' ON TV SO I BORROWED TO AVOID COMMERCIALS.  LOOKING FOR IT I FOUND 'IT WAS A WONDERFUL LIFE' ON INVISIBLE HOMELESS WOMEN.  1992.  MELISSA ETHERIDGE A PRODUCER.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND.  AT THE END OF THE FILM IT MENTIONS LOU KILLED HERSELF.  HOW DID THESE RICH LA PEOPLE WALK AWAY AND NOT HELP THESE WOMEN THEY HUMILIATED BY DOCUMENTING THEIR WOUNDEDNESS.  THEY COULD HAVE TRIED TO SAVE THEM
FROM THEMSELVES BY FINDING THEM SHELTER, JOBS, MENTAL HELP,  THEY USED THEM LIKE THE REST OF THE WORLD.

MOTIVATED ME TO GO TO PAY BILLS.  I REMEMBERED CAR SERVICING MONDAY. 

RECYCLING PEOPLE.  PEOPLE TREATED LIKE KLEENEX.  USED AND THROWN AWAY.  BLAMED FOR EXISTING. 

GROWN UPS HAVE CHOICES

BLACK FRIDAY-I SPENT MY ADULT LIFE WORKING RETAIL THE BIGGEST SALE DAY OF THE YEAR.

CHILDREN ARE PRISONERS.  I DON'T THINK MOM EVER MADE A DECISION CONCERNED WITH KIDS.  I KNOW FOR SURE DAD CONSIDERED US PROPERTY NOT PEOPLE BY THE WAY HE TREATED US.  THEY WERE BIG DESTRUCTIVE KIDS.  THEY NEVER GREW UP 'TIL THE DAY THEY DIED AND EVEN THEN THEY WEREN'T VERY MATURE.  LIFE IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AND YET THEY WENT OUT OF THEIR WAY TO REFUSE IMPROVEMENT.  RESISTING POSITIVE CHANGE IS FOOLISH.

I'VE BEEN FLASHING BACK TO 1160 LAWRENCE STA RD.  QUARTER ACRE ACROSS JEFFERSON JUNIOR HIGH BEHIND THE SHELL GAS STATION AND STORE NOW 7-11 BEFORE BELONGING TO HAWAIIAN MAN.

I NEVER HAD ANY MONEY.  MITZI AND AILEEN WERE DAUGHTERS WHILE I WAS THE SCAPEGOAT.  I WAS SURE I WAS ADOPTED.  I WAS CINDERELLA.  MITZI WAS TOO LITTLE 3 AILEEN 13 BIGGER THAN ME SO I HAD TO BABYSIT AND START DINNER OR GET BEAT UP AND PUNISHED BY MOM WHEN AILEEN LIED.  SHE'D TAKE OFF TO HANG OUT WITH HER FRIENDS.  JUST LIKE MOM AND DAD.  WEEKENDS THE FAMILY WOULD GO SHOPPING, RUN ERRANDS FOR THE WEEK AND MOM AND DAD LEFT AILEEN IN CHARGE WHILE THEY WENT OFF WITH THEIR FRIENDS.  AILEEN WOULD DISAPPEAR AND IT WOULD BE ME AND MITZI.

SO I THOUGHT MITZI WAS MY FRIEND BUT SHE SAW BEING LIKE THEM WAS EASIER FOR HER.  AND THE REST OF THE WORLD.

THE CLIMATE CHANGE AND POLLUTION THAT'S POISONING THE PLANET IS DISRESPECT.  I'M SUFFERING LIKE THE PLANET.  ONE OF MAYBE A THOUSAND OR TEN OR A HUNDRED THOUSAND CARES TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT.  THE CHILD MIND LEAVES IT FOR SOMEONE ELSE TO DO.  ONLY CARES ABOUT ITSELF AND INSTANT GRATIFICATION.

THAT'S HOW I GOT SO SICK.  I'M THE ONE WHO CARES.  I TOOK CARE OF THE PARENTS.  THEY'D SACRIFICE ME IN A SPLIT SECOND.

WE COULD MOBILIZE THE HOMELESS TO CLEAN UP THE PLANET.  BUT WHY WOULD THEY.

2:30 I GET THAT MY RETICENCE TO GO ANYWHERE IS FROM MY BODY SAYING NO.  I FORCED MYSELF TO DO AND BE.  TODAY I'M EATING, NAPPING DOING NO THING.

THANK YOU GOD JESUS

I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 4;30.  I'M TAKING MY TIME.  I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE THANKFUL.  I NEVER SPECIFIED THE PEACE I'VE CRAVED.  I HAVE PEACE.  I ALSO HAVE THE EXTERNALIZED CHAOS I FELT AS A CHILD.

THE FAMILY WAS ALL ABOUT APPEARANCES.  MOM ALWAYS WORRIED WHAT THE NEIGHBORS WOULD THINK.  THAT'S WHY WE LEFT HAWAII.  MOM AND DAD ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT LOOKING GOOD.

AND I NEVER CARED.  I WANT TO FEEL GOOD.  I CAN'T SEE HOW I LOOK ANYWAY.  UNLESS I SPEND MY LIFE WITH A MIRROR.

REVELATION; MOST PEOPLE LOOK FOR MIRRORS TO REFLECT THEMSELVES.  

TOM'S REASON FOR LIVING.  TO GAZE UPON HIMSELF.  THE MAJORITY OF PEOPLE.  TO SEE THEMSELVES IN THE WORLD AROUND THEM.

I'M CONSTANTLY AMAZED.

I WENT TO 24 HOUR 10:30 AND DIDN'T HURT.  MIRACLE.  AT NOON I DROVE TO ST CLARE, PARKED AT LIBRARY 2 BLOCKS.  IT WAS BEAUTIFUL AND SUNNY.  SHORT LINE INSIDE.  I SAW WALTER.  HIS SISTER TEXTED HIM NOT TO COME OVER.  HER LOSS.  WE HAD A GREAT TIME.  AT LEAST I DID.  THEN AT 2 WE RALLIED TO FIRST PRESBYTERIAN.  WHITE ATTITUDE CHURCH.  LEFT 4:20.  BEST THANKSGIVING EVER.  NO FIGHTS YELLING.

VISION

TARGET MY PERFECT WORLD.  I HAVEN'T CONSISTENTLY USED THE TOOLS I HAVE AVAILABLE.  LIKE HAVING TO EXERCISE TO BE HEALTHY STAYING FOCUSED ON THE WORLD I WANT AROUND ME DEMANDS CONSIST PERSISTENT DISCIPLINE.  I CAN DO THAT.  IT'S WHAT I'M BEST AT. 

VISUALIZE, VISUALIZE, VISUALIZE.  MAKE IT A HABIT.  I FEEL HAPPY.  THE SOLUTION TO BEING ME. 

TRUMP WORLD

IN THE PAST LIED AND CHEATED ME.  I FORGIVE DAD AND GET ON.  I PROBABLY WAS THE SAME IN PAST LIFE.  I FORGIVE MYSELF.

THAT WAS WEIRD.  I WROTE OUT MY DREAM AFTER 15 MINUTES OF SLEEP AND THE PARAGRAPH DISAPPEARED.  OH, WELL.

TRUMP IS THE KING LIAR CHEATER.

I DROVE TO AGNEW POST OFFICE AND IT'S APPOINTMENT ONLY.  DRY RUN.  HALF AN HOUR DRIVING HOME JUST AS IT STARTED RAINING.  IT'S SO DARK.  GOOD THING NOT TODAY.  I DON'T FANCY DRIVING IN THE DARK COLD RAIN.

I JUST SPENT 2 HOURS ONLINE TRYING TO FILL OUT AND SCHEDULE PASSPORT RENEWAL FOR NOTHING.  I'M FEELING SUCH FRUSTRATION.

I HAD BEANS AND FRANKS.  YUM.  YUMMY MY TUMMY AND MY FRUSTRATION IS GONE.

I AM A SIMPLE BASIC PERSON.

check engine tire pressure

LIGHTS CAME ON 40 DEGREE WEATHER.  MY CARS HAVEN'T LIKED COLD WEATHER.  I DO.  INVIGORATES ME.

I'VE BEEN THINKING OF ERIC.  HE WAS A GOOD MECHANIC.  DOING HIS BEST.  I THINK I UNDERSTAND HIS LOYALTY TO HIS DAD WOULDN'T LET HIM SUCCEED AT HIS OWN DREAM.  HE ALWAYS STARTED OUT GREAT OPENING A NEW CLUB AND JUST COULDN'T CONTINUE BELIEVING  HE COULD DO IT AND SELF SABOTAGED.

I LOVE MY FAMILY.  HE WAS MY BROTHER.  TOM WAS SO JEALOUS.

MAYBE NOT THE BEST FOR ME THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT.  DYSFUNCTIONAL.  WATCHING 'DRIVEN' ABOUT JOHN DE LOREAN.  EVERYBODY'S DYSFUNCTIONAL.  AND HE WAS INDEED DRIVEN TO CRIME ATTEMPTING TO REALIZE HIS DREAM.

I WANT TO FIND MY PERFECT;Y IMPERFECT FAMILY.

I WANTED SMOKES WALGREEN'S AND REMEMBERED PASSPORT PHOTO.  DONE AND DONE.

THEY CAN'T LOVE ME THEY DON'T LOVE THEMSELVES.   MITZI AND CRAIG ARE MOM AND DAD.  AILEEN IS AUNTIE HIDEKO.  AILEEN NEVER LOVED LARRY.  SHE WOKE AND TOLD ME THE NIGHT SHE MET HIM HER BEST FRIEND'S BOYFRIEND SHE'D MARRY HIM BECAUSE SHE COULD MANIPULATE HIM. 

TOM LIES TO MANIPULATE.

I'M COMMITTED TO LIVING MY OWN LIFE.  ANYTHING LESS IS DEATH.

SO SAD

I'M FEELING MY ENTIRE LIFE HAS BEEN SAD.  BECAUSE IT HAS.  MY FAMILY HAS BEEN DEPRESSED.  ALL OF US.  THEY CAME TO THE MAINLAND TO ESCAPE AVOID AND IT DIDN'T WORK.  MOM AND DAD CONDEMNED ALL OF US.

AILEEN AND MITZI ARE TRYING TO ESCAPE WHAT'S INSIDE THEM.  WHERE EVER THEY GO THERE IT IS.  THE ONLY WAY TO GET OVER IT IS TO GO THROUGH IT.

I WOKE TO 'O-O-O-ORINDA' IN MY HEAD.  I GOOGLED ORINDA, CA.  ORINDA WAS NAMED FOR CATHERINE PHILLIPS.  KNOWN FOR BEING A SUCCESSFUL FEMALE AUTHOR.  ALSO APHRA BEHN 14 DEC 1640-16 APR 1689.  I STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT ORINDA MEANS.

I WANT MY LIFE MORE FUN.

I SKIPPED EXERCISE AND BOUGHT LUNCH @ SARATOGA LUCKY'S, HAM AND ROAST TURKEY, FROZEN MIXED VEG.  I ATE, RESTED AND NAPPED.  IF I DID THIS EVERY DAY I'D GET BORED.  TODAY WAS GOOD.  I MADE NOODLE SOUP WITH TURKEY AND OPENED VEG SOUP WITH HAM.

STILL DON'T KNOW

I WANT TO BE LOVED AND RESPECTED.  WON'T BE LUNCH WITH TOM.

LYING IS THE ULTIMATE IN DISRESPECT.  MOM WAS TOO EASY TO LIE TO.  I COULDN'T LIE.  I FELT UNEASY LYING TO HER.  I THINK LYING MAKES THE BODY SICK.  CERTAINLY ISN'T HEALTHY BEING IN SITUATIONS WHERE LYING IS REQUIRED.  TOM HATED WILL.  DIDN'T WANT TO ADMIT THE SIMILARITIES.

LYING ASSUMES THE RECEIVER IS LESS INTELLIGENT.  CAN BE LIED TO, DOESN'T KNOW OR DESERVE THE TRUTH.  ASSUMES A DISPARITY, INEQUALITY. 

DENIAL IS SELF LYING FOR SURVIVAL.  WHEN THE CRISIS HAS PASSED THE LYING MUST STOP.  I PRAY FOR MY SISTERS.  ALL MY FAMILY.

HE WANTED TO KNOW WHAT I THOUGHT OF DEANA.  SHE'S OK ANOTHER DR DEBBIE, VICTORIA, ETC.  JUST ONE OF THE HERD.  HE HASN'T CHANGED. 

I DID GET A NICE LUNCH PANERA AND ALMOND CROISSANT PEET'S.  I GAVE HIM THE PEET'S CARD $8.60 BALANCE.  DONE AND DONE.

PLANNING

I LOVE HAVING MY PLANS EXECUTED.  I GET SUCH A SENSE OF ACCOMPLISHMENT.  I RECYCLED DANNY'S $7.   7 MINUTES.

MY LEFT LEG HAS BEEN THROBBING LIKE 1972.  JUST ACHING.  WHEN I STRETCH MY LOWER BACK IT GOES AWAY UNLIKE 1972 WHEN I DAMAGED THE NERVES.  AND MY TAILBONE ACHES IN WAVES.

LUNCH WAS OK.  BBQ TINY CHICKEN, MASH, BROCCOLI CAULIFLOWER, BREAD STICK.  I BINGE WATCHED MEDIUM AND REALIZED I WATCHED 7 INSTEAD OF SEASON 6.  THEY KILLED OFF JOE.  TOO SAD.  I CONSIDERED NOT RETURNING DVD PAYING .25 TOTAL 1.5.  I DON'T LIKE LATE.  I DROVE DUSK AND DARK.  FOUND 3 DVD AT CUPERTINO MUCH NICER DRIVE.  BACK WAY AVOIDED TRAFFIC JAMS. 

I'M STILL FEELING TIRED. 

i did it again

I ACCIDENTALLY CLOSED OUT MY TABS AGAIN AND IT'S GETTING EASIER RESETTING.  I'M SO TIRED.  I'M TIRED OF DOING EVERYTHING ALONE. 

MY ONION, SPINACH, CHEESE OMELETTE WAS DELICIOUS.  I HAD 2 SLICES SOUR DOUGH BREAD.  MY CANISTER OF BAG CLIPS IS GONE FROM THE TOP OF THE FRIDGE.  OH, WELL. 

long night

9-11-3-4-5-5:30.  SLEEPING LIKE A BABY.  WAKING UP TERRIFIED ALL NIGHT.

I'LL TRY THE PASSPORT THING.  I'M GATHERING INFO.  

I RENEWED CHROME, PAID DISCOVER.

I'M BINGE WATCHING MEDIUM 6.  THIS MORNING IT RENEWED THEN WHEN I DOUBLE CHECKED IT DIDN'T.  OH, WELL.

I'M WAITING FOR TOM TO CALL AFTER HIS DENTIST TODAY.  HIS EXCUSE FOR POSTPONING YESTERDAY.  I CAME HOME TO REST AND BE GENTLE.  HE'S SO FAMILY.  IT BRINGS BACK MEMORIES OF THE CHAOS. 

HE ALWAYS DENIED ME MY FEELINGS AND LIKE MY FAMILY IGNORED THE DISRESPECT AND ABUSE.  HE LIED TO ME THE ENTIRE TIME I'VE KNOWN HIM.  HIS FAMILY IS LIKE MINE.  HIDING SECRETS AND PRETENDING. 

AT LEAST THE TENSION AND ANXIETY I FEEL I CAN ASSIGN TO WATCHING MEDIUM.  THAT'S WHY PEOPLE LIKE SCARY SO MUCH.  IT GIVES THEM A SCAPEGOAT FOR WHAT THEY FEEL.

CONUNDRUM

IF I GO TO LAFAYETTE P O I MAY BE DISAPPOINTED.  TOM SAID HIS PASSPORT RENEWAL EXP 1983 TOOK AN HOUR AND $16 THAT'S 1 6.

I DON'T KNOW.  SHALL I TRUST HIM?  IT'S ON ME.

I'M BEHIND ON MOVIE VIEWING AND TODAY'S BOOK MOBILE DAY.  LATER.

I SWAM, WATCHED HOBBS SHAW AND 11 WALTER SHOWED UP TO DROP OFF HOLIDAY GROCERIES.  HE GAVE ME SWISS MISS COCOA.  I GAVE HIM MY BELL PEPPER FILLED SALAD.  BEEF STROGANOFF LUNCH WAS GOOD OR MAYBE THE 25 WORD SEARCH BOOKS SOMEONE DROPPED OFF.  HELEN NOTICED THEM AND TOOK 6.  IF NOT FOR HER I PROBABLY WOULDN'T HAVE SEEN THEM ON THE FLOOR FEELING SAD LIKE I DO.  WE COMMISERATED FOR 2 HOURS. 

I WENT TO CENTRAL TO WATCH DVD AND READ NEWSPAPER.  CAME HOME ATE LEFT OVERS.  OK. 

DANAAN PARRY 1985-86

AFTER I DECIDED NOT TO BUY ANY MORE BOOKS EARTH STEWARDS LITERALLY JUMPED OFF THE SHELF SO I BOUGHT IT AT RAINBOW BRIDGE METAPHYSICAL BOOKSTORE SAN JOSE.  I READ THE BOOK AND LATER ROSE FROM FIRST  CHURCH OF RELIGIOUS SCIENCE WE ATTENDED TOOK ME TO A MEETING IN OAKLAND SHORTLY BEFORE THE BERLIN WALL CAME DOWN.

THAT'S WHAT THEY DO.  CONFLICT RESOLUTION.

I WANT TO BE IN RECYCLING.  RESPECT THE EARTH.

TOM CALLED.  SAYING AGAIN HE WANTS TO RETURN MY STORAGE STUFF.  BUT THEN HE DOESN'T.  I'VE OFFERED TO MEET HIM AT STORAGE HIS PLACE ANYWHERE BUT HE SAYS NO.  OH, WELL.

slept

I WAS SO TIRED ALL DAY YESTERDAY.  TODAY I DON'T KNOW.  I'M STUNNED.  I MAY WAIT 'TIL NEXT YEAR TO GET MY REAL I D. 

I DON'T KNOW THE REAL ME.  I'VE BEEN SO ABUSED SURVIVING THE BEST I COULD. 

1978 TODAY JONES TOWN.  WHEN I EARNED MY HYPNOTHERAPY CERTIFICATE A BLACK FEMALE SURVIVOR CAME AND SPOKE ON VISUALIZATION.  SHE PURPOSEFULLY, CONSCIOUSLY REPROGRAMMED HER THINKING AND WAS ABLE TO RETURN TO SAN FRANCISCO BEFORE THE PARANOIA TOOK ALL THOSE LIVES.

MY THINKING CAN SAVE ME.  WHAT I WANT MY LIFE TO BE.

RACCOONS

OR RATS ON THE TIN ROOF SCURRYING, WAKING ME.  MAYBE WHAT SCARED DAD INTO LIVING ROOM.  IRONIC SINCE HE PUT UP THE TIN ROOF.  I NEVER CONNECTED MY INSOMNIA WITH THE FAUNA.

I DID MY SUNDAY ROUTINE CLAIMING MY FREE OLIVE HUMMUS $4.75, TWO CLEARANCE 11/19 SELL BY ASPARAGUS CHICKEN WRAPS, ICEBERG LETTUCE.

I FINALLY CLEARED LIQUID CELERY MESS.  AND THE BEST PART IS I DON'T CARE THE HOUSE IS A MESS.  I NO LONGER HEAR MY FAMILY CRITICIZING AND CONDEMNING ME.  GONE, DEAD NOT FORGOTTEN.  MY BACK AND STOMACH SUPPORTING ME IN IGNORING THEIR VOICES.  I STILL WORRY THE YARD IS A HAZARD BUT NOTHING I'M CAPABLE OF WITHOUT MAKING MYSELF SICK AGAIN.

I'LL BE ABLE WHEN THE FAMILY IS COMPLETELY GONE AND I DON'T NEED RE MINDING.

I DIDN'T WANT TO GO ST JUSTIN BUT FOR NOW IT'S MY JOB.  I WENT WHEN I FELT LIKE IT 12:30.  THEY TOLD ME THE CHRISTMAS SALE WAS IN THE BIG HALL SO I WENT TO LOOK.  JOHN AND MARTHA WERE THERE SELLING MORE HEMATITE JEWELRY.  I BOUGHT 13 FOR $10.  I ASKED JOHN FOR A BAKER'S DOZEN.  3 WERE DOUBLES.

HAPPIEST BIRTHDAY TO ME!!

feeling terrible

MY SPIRIT AND BODY.  TORTURED FOR MY LIFETIME.  DENIED LOVE AND COMFORT.  I WAS BEATEN PHYSICALLY AND MENTALLY.  ALL I DENIED HAPPENED TO ME IS RISING TO THE SURFACE.  I CAN'T DENY ANY LONGER.  ILLNESS, DIS EASE IS ENERGY NO LONGER DENIED.  MY FEELING WEAKNESS IS THE CHILD IN ME BEATEN WITHOUT MERCY.

MY PRECIOUS BODY IS THE TREASURE CHEST OF MY EXPERIENCES, STOREHOUSE OF MY MEMORIES.  RE MEMBER ING RECONNECTS MY MIND AND BODY ALLOWING ME TO HEAL MENTAL/SPIRITUAL WOUNDS.

I MAY BE AN EXTROVERT.  I DON'T KNOW.  I AVOIDED MY FAMILY AND RELATIONSHIPS BECAUSE I PICKED PEOPLE TOXIC TO ME TO RESOLVE FAMILY ISSUES.  SEE HARVILLE HENDRIX.  I CAN IGNORE TOXIC PEOPLE.  HUZZAH!!

I CAN FIND HEALING PEOPLE

upset

SILENT UNITY DAILY WORD SERENITY.  I'M NOT FEELING IT.  MY STOMACH IS UPSET.  I NEED TO PUT IN A PRAYER REQUEST.  I'M HAVING PASSWORD PROBLEMS DUE TO MY ANXIETY AND DIS EASE.  WRITING HELPS BUT WHY SHOULD I SUFFER NEEDLESSLY.  CLEARLY I WASN'T THINKING CLEARLY.  I'M STILL NOT USED TO ASKING AND RECEIVING HELP.

IT'S BEEN A TOUGH WEEK.  I HAVE TO CALL DR CHUNG FOR RESULTS FOLLOW UP TOO.

THE HOUSE TOO.  HELP.

I'M FOLLOWING SPIRIT AS BEST I CAN.  THE BIG THINGS IN MY LIFE HAVE BEEN SO TERRIBLE I'M TERRORIZED AND TRAUMATIZED.

A LITTLE NAUGHTY IS NICE

I ENJOY ACTING A LITTLE BRATTY.  MAKES ME FEEL.......I DON'T KNOW BUT IT FEELS FUN.

my real family

HOW GREAT TO SLEEP'TIL 5 AND WAKE TO DREAM OF DISNEYLAND WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME ASKING ME WHAT I WANT TO RIDE NEXT.  WHITE WATER RIDE. LOVELY COOL CLEAN. 

BOOKMOBILE DAY.  I WORKED OUT HARD BEING REFRESHED FROM TAKING YESTERDAY OFF.  CATHY WAS IN THE POOL.  WE HAD A NICE CHAT.  LUNCH WAS PRETTY GOOD.  AFTER LUNCH I DID A DRY RUN TO COUNTY RECORDER.  I'LL HAVE TO WEAR HIKING SHOES.  I'M NOT SURE WHICH BUILDING ON AN IMMENSE BLOCK WITH SUPERIOR COURT AND JAIL.  MOST BUILDINGS AREN'T LABELED.

I THOUGHT OF GOING TO CARDENAS MARKET BUT I DECIDED NOT.  I'M RESTING FROM YESTERDAY'S PROCEDURE.  I DROVE TO COSTCO AND REDEEMED MY REBATE.  BOUGHT TWO CAULIFLOWER PIZZAS, COOKED THEM, ATE ONE.  SO GOOD.  I FELL ASLEEP IN LIVING ROOM WATCHING TV FOR 1 AND HALF HOUR.

I'M FEELING GRIEF.  STILL SAD DAD MADE LIFE DIFFICULT.

AS MUCH SADNESS AS I FEEL THERE'S STILL MORE HAPPINESS.  I HOPE.

worst night terror yet

WOKE 3;30 FLASHBACK TO THE FEELINGS I STUFFED DOWN TO BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH THE EVERYDAY FAMILY CRISES.  THAT'S WHAT ALL THE  EMOTIONS I'VE BEEN PROCESSING IS ALL ABOUT.  RELEASING STUCK ENERGY.  I THOUGHT OF CALLING SILENT UNITY FOR PRAYER SUPPORT.  CONTACTING DR CHUNG FOR PSYCHIATRIC SUPPORT.  I HAVE OPTIONS.

I'M OK.  I'M LOVED.  I'M PROTECTED.

WENT TO GYM TO SHOWER FEELING HOT AND STICKY.  LEFT 7;30 AND SPENT 10 MINUTES PASSING FREMONT HIGH SCHOOL WHAT A MESS STUDENTS AND CARS EVERYWHERE.  I WAS STILL FEELING ANXIOUS.  GOT THERE EARLY TOOK MY TIME WITH ID CARDS AND PAPERS. 

SHIRAN FROM ISRAEL WAS VERY KIND AND PATIENT ANSWERING MY QUESTIONS  SHE PUT ME AT EASE.

amazing

I WENT G 2 POOL AND TUB ALMOST TO MYSELF.  SOW COMES TO HOT TUB AND WITH 3 STEPS SHE COMES ASKING ME TO MOVE.   I SHAKE MY HEAD SAYING TO HER 'THE HEIGHT OF LAZINESS'.  SHE WENT OUT OF HER WAY TO ASK ME TO MOVE.  SHE SAYS AS AN EXCUSE 'IT'S HOT'.  I REPLY 'THAT'S WHY THEY CALL IT A HOT TUB.'  KAHRAZEE!  I TURNED MY BACK TO HER AND DID MY STRETCHES. 

I WENT TO SAFEWAY, WALKED THE STORE AND FOUND DELI SALADS.  I GOT $5 SEAFOOD, OLIVES, TOMATOES.  CAN OF ARTICHOKES $1.35.  2 CHEESE DIPS $1.98.  WHAT A DEAL.  AND $30 FOR PGE AND POCKET CASH.  ON TO $SUNNYVALE ZERO.  ASKED ABOUT STOCKING STUFFERS AND DELIVERY DAYS TU& SAT.  I DECIDED TO GO $SANTA AND GOT CHIPS, WASH, CLEARANCE DISH SOAP, CARDS, STICKERS, 2 DVD.

I THOUGHT ABOUT GOING GOODWILL AND DECIDED I'D BETTER EAT AND REST.

eye dread

THE HORROR STORY OF DAD'S EYE PROCEDURE.  NO WONDER I'M SO UPSET.

I DROVE MOM AND DAD TO KAISER SANTA TERESA EARLY MORNING.  HIS LEFT EYE HAD A CATARACT REMOVED.  HE HAS A BAD REACTION TO THE TRANQUILIZER AND TAKES 4 HOURS TO REVIVE.  MOM AND I CALL AILEEN AND MITZI.  WE WAIT.  

HE'S STABILIZED AND I BRING THEM HOME I'M EXHAUSTED.  DAD INSISTS ON STAYING IN THE LIVING ROOM.  HE'S TOLD NOT TO BEND OVER TO AVOID PRESSURE IN HIS EYE SO IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT HE LEANS OVER TO GET THE TV REMOTE HE DROPPED ON THE FLOOR, FALLS FORWARD HITTING HIS EYE ON THE COUCH ARM REST.  INSTEAD OF WAKING ME UP LIKE HE'S DONE COUNTLESS TIMES WANTING TO GO ON MIDNIGHT DRIVES HE WAITS UNTIL MORNING TO TELL MOM AND I.  

ANOTHER TRIP TO EMERGENCY.  HIS EYE IS FULL OF BLOOD AND HE'S PERMANENTLY BLINDED.

ANOTHER TIME I STUFF DOWN STILL ON HIGH ALERT FOR THE NEXT TRAGEDY.

SO THE HORROR IS COMING UP NOW ALLOWING ME TO REGURGITATE THE AGONY AND DREAD.  IT COMES AND GOES IN WAVES.

NEW LINES

MY LIFE IS TAKING NEW TURNS.  I CAN'T PUBLISH THE OLD BLOG SO I'M WRITING NEW.  THE PROGRAM WON'T ENGAGE.

I WENT IN FROM A NEW TAB THAT CONNECTED WITH THE OLD AND UPDATED WHEN I REFRESHED.  I GOT TO KEEP IT ALL.

I WOKE 7:30 FROM A FITFUL NIGHT SUDDENLY REMEMBERING-RECONNECTING WITH MYSELF I NEEDED TO COVER THE DMV CHECK FOR RENEWING MY LICENSE.  I CALLED AND TOOK CARE OF IT.

NOON- I'M BACK.  I DECIDED  NO GYM.  I WANTED SMOKES FOR WHAT I'M PROCESSING WENT TO FLORA VISTA ZERO.  DROVE THROUGH LAWRENCE SQUARE TO SEE EVERYTHING BOARDED UP.  NO SIGN OF DEVELOPMENT YET.

WALGREEN'S @MARIA HAD ORGANIC.  I CHECKED $UNNYVALE GOT CLEAR WASH, PAPER, NEW CAR LOG BOTH SIDES PRINTED KEEP IT SIMPLE.  RECYCLED 10 WATER BOTTLES AND WATER FROM TRASH.  DECIDED I WANTED TO USE WENDY'S KID MEAL COUPON.  I LOVE COUPONS.  NOT 1.99-2.37.  HUH.

I REALIZED MY INNER CHILD WAS RAISED BY FAMILY OF WOLVES TO BE BOY.  OF COURSE I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BE.  LUNCH DELICIOUS CHOCOLATE MILK, APPLE BITES, MINI BURGER, 3 D STICKERS.

WHAT THE HEAVEN.

I'M STILL HAVING TO REASSURE MYSELF.  THEY BETRAYED ME SO MANY TIMES.

mini nap ginny gives me something for bingo she'll miss.

I PICKED UP MULTI DIRECTIONAL FREE ROLLING CARRY ON SUITCASE ON SIDEWALK.

THE ART OF RACING IN THE RAIN

TIMING IS IMPORTANT.  LIVING LIFE CAN BE AN ART.  I'VE WANTED TO WRITE AUNTIE AND THE TIME IS RIGHT.  THE STORY FROM THE POINT OF A GOLDEN DOG.  BETTER THAN I EXPECTED.

MY EXPECTATIONS.  I THOUGHT THE WEDDING GUEST DEV PATEL WAS A COMEDY.  NOT.

BETTER THAN I EXPECTED.  IT MADE ME THINK.  PEOPLE WANT THINGS IN THEIR LIVES AND DECIDE HOW TO GET THEM.  NOT HAPPILY EVER AFTER BUT IT STILL COULD BE.  LIFE ISN'T OVER YET UNLIKE THE MOVIE UNLESS THERE'S A SEQUEL.

MY SUBCONSCIOUS

I'M GETTING CLOSER.  I'M STILL SLEEPING LIKE A BABY WAKING EVERY TWO HOURS AND WATCHING THE BIG BLUE TICK.  TICKLE.  THE IDEA EVERYONE HAS A SUPER POWER.  EVERYONE IS A SUPERHERO OR VILLAIN.

I'M HERE AT SENIORS DEBATING.  MY SUPER POWER.

I SPENT YESTERDAY RESEARCHING NEW THOUGHT.  THE 1880'S MUST HAVE BEEN AMAZING.  THE 1960'S BEGAN THE UNCOVERING OF TRUTH.  THERE'S STILL POLITICIANS THOSE WHO SAY WHAT PEOPLE WANT TO HEAR.  THE BEST DEFINITION OF LEADER IS THE ONE WHO SEES WHICH WAY PEOPLE ARE GOING AND RUNS TO THE FRONT.  HITLER, TRUMP.  THEY GIVE PEOPLE WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR.

TRUMP GOT ELECTED SO PEOPLE HAD A VILLAIN TO CRITICIZE.  THEY LOVE TO CRITICIZE.

TUESDAY BINGO I ASKED GINNY TO TRY TO WIN THE YELLOW 2 X TEE FOR ME AND TODAY SHE GAVE IT TO ME.  SHE LOVES ME MORE THAN MY OWN MOM.  I HAVE LOTS OF PEOPLE LOVING ME MORE.


I WENT TO THE DMV ONE HOUR TO RENEW AND FOR REAL ID I NEED COPY OF MARRIAGE LICENSE FOR SOCIAL SECURITY NAME CHANGE.  SANTA CLARA COUNTY.

94%

left COMPUTER.  I SPENT A SLEEPLESS NIGHT.  I WATCHED THE BIG BLUE TICK-PATRICK WARBURTON AND DREAMED OF A BROWN 3 " TICK TANGLED LEFT SIDE HAIR.  SO I WAS FITFUL FROM 1:30 SOUP BM TO 6:30.  TICKS ARE BLOOD SUCKERS DRAINING MY ENERGY.

LISTENING TO KELLY HOWELL CD IS ALTERING MY BRAIN.  I FORGOT MY BAG ON THE LUNCH TABLE.  I NOTICED WHEN I WAS CHARGING CHROME AND DECIDED TO CHARGE PHONE.  I WENT BACK THE TABLE WAS EMPTY AND NO ONE SAID ANYTHING OR SAVED IT FOR ME.  NO SUPPORT.

THEN I WENT TO THE RESTROOM BEFORE CAMPBELL AND LEFT IT HANGING.  I IMMEDIATELY WENT BACK.  SCARY. 

TUESDAY CHANNEL 7 DISAPPEARED.  I STARTED WATCHING LIVE ACTION LITTLE MERMAID AND IT WENT AWAY.  IT'S BACK SKETCHY.  I MISSED JEOPARDY AND I'M OK.  2, 5, 11.3 IS HIGH DEFINITION.  SUPER SHARP. 

I GOT $35 BILL FROM EYES. 

feeling tired and ok

I THOUGHT OF GOING TO DMV BUT I WAS PUZZLING AND MY EYES WERE NOT THE CLEAREST.  SO I PICKED UP DVD FROM CENTRAL.  I WANTED TO FIND $.  I CHECKED FULL COPY ROOM, WENT UPSTAIRS TO USED COPY ROOM AND HUNG OUT 4 HOUR MAX COMPUTER.  WHEN I WAS READY  I CHECKED UPSTAIRS AND DOWNSTAIRS I FOUND QUARTER IN THE MIDDLE OF EMPTY COPY ROOM.

I REMEMBERED TO CHECK LOUISE HAY CD.  I HAVE TO RETURN CAMPBELL'S.  I FOUND 3 AND ORDERED 1.  LISTENING TO KELLY HOWELL I FELT A WAVE OF TERROR.  LIKE WHEN I MET DELORISE LUCAS 'MOMMA'.

I LOVE FINDING MONEY.  FREE THINGS.  BARGAINS.  THINGS ARE ONLY WORTH WHAT YOU VALUE.  IT'S TOTALLY ARBITRARY.  GOLD AND DIAMONDS ARE ONLY SYMBOLS.  YOU CAN'T EAT THEM.

I GOT 2 SERVINGS BEANS ASPARAGUS TO ADD TO PANERA CHICKEN TORTILLA SOUP HAD KIDNEY BEANS.  I ADDED PINE NUTS STILL BLAND AND WASABI ALMONDS PUNCHED IT UP.  LETTUCE I WASHED FROM SANDWICH WHICH HAD NO CRANBERRY TO SPEAK OF TURKEY.  I WAS STILL HUNGRY AFTER LUNCH AND INGE GAVE ART PIECE OF PIZZA NOT ME.  I MADE SOUP DELICIOUS.

I WON'T GET THAT AGAIN.

I'LL MAKE MY OWN CRANBERRY RELISH/MARMALADE TO GO WITH TURKEY.

DISCERNMENT.

THE ABILITY TO DECIDE WISELY.  DAILY WORD.

LUNCH WAS OK.  I CONSIDERED DMV AND DECIDED LATER.  I CAME HOME WITH POTATOES, LETTUCE FROM LUNCH TO ADD TO PANERA 2 FOR ONE SOUP.  I SAW PINE NUTS ADDED THOSE TOO.  YUM.....

I TOSSED THE AVOCADOS AND GUAVAS I LEFT IN 1 ROOM.  I PICKED SOME KIWIS.  THERE'S SO MUCH MORE.  I ATE A RIPE ONE.  GOOD.  I CUT IT IN HALF AND SCOOPED IT.

ERIC-HEAVEN

I DREAMED I WAS DRIVING SAN JOSE FEELING 2 LANES ONE WAY STREET TO ERIC'S HOUSE TO TAKE HIM TO EARLY DINNER.  HE'S BOTH A BODY AND CLEAR BAG OF CHEMICALS.  I ZIP THE BAG IN MY JACKET TO KEEP HIM WARM AND PROTECT HIM.

HE'S HELPING ME FIND MY LOVE.  HE'S RESTING NOW TOO.

I RESTED AND I'M ENJOYING MY PHYSICALLY, SPIRITUALLY, EMOTIONALLY HARD WORK.  I DID MY BANKING, LINED UP MY BILLS, PREPARED DMV RENEWAL, SCHEDULED MY HEALTH APPOINTMENTS.  I'M GOING TO DO HEALTH EVERY AUTUMN.  I LIKE IT COOLER AND NOT RUSHED LIKE SPRING.

I WONDER IF HEALTH CARE WANTS TO TAKE SUMMER AND WINTER OFF SO THEY PUSH AND PRESSURE IN SPRING.

I WENT $AN CARLOS, $ TREE THEN CIRO MAMMOGRAM.  S V EYE CALLED 2 P M NO APPOINTMENT AUTHORIZATION ONLY PROCEDURE.  SO POSTPONED NEXT WEEK.  WEIRD.  I'M CALLING DR CHUNG TO SEE IF NECESSARY. 

DST

TIME TO CHANGE CLOCKS AND BATTERIES.

NOW I'VE BEEN STRESSING LAB CORP, MAMMOGRAM, EYE DOCTOR  CALLED YESTERDAY 8;14 WHILE I WAS FILLING IN DMV.  I'M READY.

THE OLD ME DIES WHILE THE NEW ME IS BORN.

I MAY STAY IN BED ALL DAY.  FROM 2001-2003 I GOT SICKER AND SICKER.  THEN I HAD EXPLORATORY SURGERY AND MITZI IN FRONT OF THE DOCTOR IN HER OFFICE REFUSED TO DRIVE OR HELP ME.  I WAS ASHAMED.  THE DOCTOR THOUGHT MY 30 YEAR CYST MIGHT BE CANCER SINCE IT TRIPLED IN SIZE IN ONE YEAR.  THEY REMOVED AN ENCAPSULATED INFECTION I'D HAD SINCE 1972.  LASER SURGERY IS MAGIC.

'TIL 2008 I'D SPENT 3000 DAYS IN BED.  I COULDN'T SIT IN A CHAIR, STAND OR RIDE UPRIGHT IN A CAR WITHOUT FEELING SICK TO MY STOMACH MY BLOOD PRESSURE AND SUGAR DROPPING FEELING FAINT.  I'D RIPPED ALL THE MUSCLES IN MY BACK CARING FOR DAD THEN MOM.  AND SHE DIED LEAVING ME WITH THE EVIL SISTERS.  MOM WAS JUST AS DELUDED AS ME THINKING THEY WERE GOOD PEOPLE.  AND NOW WE KNOW BETTER.  AILEEN ALWAYS BRAGGED ABOUT HOW HORRIBLE SHE WAS AND I DIDN'T BELIEVE HER.  SHE CALLED HERSELF THE BAD SEED AND DEVIL. 

MY DIGESTION WAS SO MESSED UP I COULDN'T EAT ANYTHING WITHOUT SUFFERING EXCRUCIATING PAIN.  VICODIN WAS ALL NURSE GINSBERG WOULD PRESCRIBE UNTIL I REFUSED TO GO BACK TO SEE HER THEN I GOT THE MUSCLE RELAXERS I'D BEEN BEGGING FOR.  THE COUNSELOR WOULDN'T HELP ME AND WANTED ME TO SEE HER OUTSIDE KAISER.  KAISER DOESN'T MAKE MONEY UNLESS YOU'RE SICK AND THE SICKER YOU ARE THE MORE MONEY THEY MAKE.  NOT EARN MAKE.  BIG DIFFERENCE.  THEY DON'T EARN IT.

ANOTHER MONTH

MAYBE I HAVE END OF THE MONTH BLUES.  THIS LAST WEEK WITH THE POOR AIR QUALITY I'VE FELT TIRED.  OXYGEN WATER HELPS.  PROPEL TOO.  I NAPPED 3 HOURS.

I'M WATCHING THE CARL REINER PILOT FOR THE DICK VAN DYKE SHOW.  I LIKE IT SO MUCH BETTER THAN THE REGULAR SHOW. 

getting used to bad air

TODAY WAS PRETTY GOOD.  I DID MY BANKING, GOT MY FREE VITAMIN PROPEL AT LUCKY'S AND CHECKED OUT AN ESTATE SALE.  I DECIDED TO DRIVE HOME BENTON TO AVOID STRESS. 

I WORE MY LINEN DRESS FROM THE CLOSET MAYBE 10 YEARS OLD.  I WORE MOM'S BUTTERFLY WING PIN.  I'M FEELING BETTER ABOUT MYSELF.