OMG

MY BACK HURTS INTENSELY.  I CUT MY TOE NAILS AND TOE.  THIS TIME I CAN FEEL IT.  I'M HYPER SENSITIVE TO PAIN.  I CAN'T REMOVE MYSELF.  I SUPPOSE IT'S PROGRESS.  NEUROPATHY IS RECEDING.  AND MY BLOOD ISN'T THICK.  I BLED JUST FINE.  AND THIS TIME IT HURTS.

3 LITTLE PIGS

I FELL ASLEEP AT 8 AND AWOKE AT 11:30 WITH A FLASHBACK TO MY 9 YEAR OLD SELF.  IT'S ME AND MITZI. IN A DARKENED HOUSE.  ITSY, BITSY, MITZI.  I'VE ALWAYS BEEN ALONE TAKING CARE OF SOMEONE AND SEEING TO GERDA'S NEEDS AT ST JUSTIN SENIOR LUNCH BROUGHT IT BACK.

I FOUND AN UNCLE DICKIE DIME YESTERDAY.  I DROPPED SOME MONOPOLY SHREDS AT $UNNYVALE PUTTING THEM IN THE TRASH AND IT WAS UNDER THE EDGE OF THE BOTTOM OF THE CONCRETE CONTAINER AS I PICKED UP THE PIECES.

SO I'M WATCHING ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE.  I'M BLESSED TO HAVE WHAT I LIKE.  AND I CAN BLOG.  AND THERE WAS SO MUCH LEFT OVER FOOD FROM LUNCH.  ALL THE WORK AS A 8 YEAR OLD CHILD IS RETURNING AS FREEBIES.

MOM WANTED WE THREE GIRLS TO LIVE LIKE THE THREE PIGG SISTERS, WITHOUT MEN SO WE COULD TAKE CARE OF HER.  SO MUCH FOR FAIRY TALES.

SERIOUSLY

I'M CONSIDERING STAYING HOME FROM ST J.  I HAD A GOOD DAY YESTERDAY.  MY FEET HURT, MY BACK, STOMACH IS IFFY.  IF I GO I'LL WANT TO STAY AND PLAY BINGO.

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.  GINNY GIVES ME A LITTLE ATTENTION.  I GIVE HER MILK AT LUNCH.  I DON'T KNOW.

4:22 PM-SO I WENT TO CHANGE MY BEHAVIOR.  IF I WANT A BETTER LIFE I HAVE TO BE BETTER.  I SAT NEXT TO GERDA AND HELPED HER.  I GOT HER LUNCH AND LEMONADE FOR HER, SHE USED A CANE INSTEAD OF HER WALKER.  IT WAS NICE.

AS I WAS DRIVING EL SOBRANTE I SEE A DUCKLING WALKING IN THE STREET, I PUT ON MY HAZARD LIGHTS AND GET OUT ASKING A TRICYCLE-IST AND WOMAN ABOUT THE DUCK.  IT LOOKS LIKE AN EASTER PRESENT FOR A CHILD.  I SHOO IT OUT OF THE STREET AND IT GOES UNDER A FENCE INTO A BACKYARD.  I KNOCK ON DOORS TO TELL PEOPLE SO IT DOESN'T GET EATEN BY A CAT OR GET BACK OUT IN THE STREET.

I CAME HOME AND TOOK OUT GARBAGE AND RECYCLE.  I WORE MY PINK SHOES OF 4 WITH THE ARCH SUPPORTS AND DECIDED MY FOOT PAIN IS FROM THE 3 TIMES I SPRAINED IT.

FAITH

20/20 LAST NIGHT TOLD THE STORY OF 2016 SHOOTINGS IN KALAMAZOO, MICHIGAN.

PEOPLE DON'T BELIEVE GOD IS GOOD, DON'T BELIEVE LIFE CAN BE HAPPY AND GOOD, HAVE FAITH IN EVIL BUT NOT GOOD.

AND THAT'S WHAT I LEARNED AND UNLEARNED.  LIKE A COMPUTER OUR AUTO PILOT CAN BE RESET.  WE CAN AND NEED TO REPROGRAM.

A BETTER WORLD BEGINS WITH ME.

I 'M FEELING SO TIRED AS MY BODY, MIND AND SPIRIT RESET.  IT TAKES A LOT OF ENERGY TO ADJUST.

RESET TO ORIGINAL FACTORY SETTING.  SO I CAN START FRESH LIKE A NEW BORN BABY.

I WANTED CELERY BUT NOT FOR $3.  I WENT TO $AN CARLOS AND BOUGHT CELERY, 1 BOTTLE GLUCOSAMINE, 6 PAIR SOCKS, 4 COCONUT H2O.

VALLEY VILLAGE THRIFT I ONLY SPENT $.25 FOR NEW IN PACKAGE FLEECE LAP BLANKET AND FOUND FREEBIES.  NEXT WEEK IS CITY CLEAN UP.  OR THERE'S ALWAYS NEXT YEAR.

5 AM FOR B'FAST I HAD CHICKEN, LUNCH I'LL HAVE SALMON AND I HAD A SNACK OF CELERY AND PEAR.

I WAS AT $AN CARLOS 8 AM, V V 8:39, DROVE PAST CHURCH NO MARKET AND STARTED FEELING SICK SO I WAS HOME AT 10.

TOMORROW ST JUSTINE LUNCH.  SO REST A NECESSITY.

I'M TRYING THE BAKING SODA WEED ABATEMENT.  NEXT DOOR CLEARED HALF OF MY FRONT YARD AROUND THE AVO TREE.  WE'LL SEE.  NOW I KNOW WHY I BOUGHT 25 BOXES OF BAKING SODA. 

I ATE A BIG HOME COOKED SALMON SALAD AND NAPPED FOR 1 1/2 HOURS.  REFRESHING.  I FILLED MY SUPPLEMENTS FOR THE WEEK.  SPIRIT DOES EVERYTHING EASILY. 

DELORISE LUCAS

I WAS FLOUNDERING.  I READ RANDY PEYSER'S PORTRAIT OF A HEALER.  I'VE NEVER BEEN ABLE TO FINISH READING IT BEFORE.  I MET RANDY AND NEIL AT MOMMA'S CLASSES.  I ATTENDED FOR A YEAR WHENEVER SHE CAME TO THE AREA AND SHE ORDAINED ME. 

MAYBE MY CONTINUED BLOCKAGES ARE TO GIVE ME TIME TO RESOLVE FAMILY INSTALLED GLITCHES.  SHE WANTED ME TO BE A MINISTER.  I'M BEING THE BEST I CAN.

I WANTED TO GO WITH HER BUT I HAD TO CARE FOR MY PARENTS INSTEAD.  I FELT DISAPPOINTED.  I TOOK MOM AND DAD TO SEE HER.  I WANTED THEM TO BE HEALED SO I COULD LIVE MY LIFE WITHOUT THEM.  AND AFTER THEY DIED I WAS WORN OUT AND SICK MYSELF.

I GUESS GOD'S NOT DONE WITH ME YET.  MORE FOR ME TO BE.

newark, ca

I DREAMED I WAS GOING TO WASH MY HAIR.  I ACTUALLY DID YESTERDAY AND WOKE UP.

I WAS SO UNHAPPY MARRIED TO THE WORST OF MY FAMILY.  HE MADE ME SO UNHAPPY I WAS AFRAID OF EVERYTHING.  LAST NIGHT ON THE NEWS A PTSD SUFFERER IN SUNNYVALE TRIGGERED MEMORIES.  I THINK I KNOW WHAT HE WAS GOING THROUGH, THE DESPERATION, ISOLATION.

AND MY LEFT ARM IS ACHING LIKE 1972.  ALL MEMORIES LOCKED IN MY BODY ARE LEAVING.

I'M FEELING DISORIENTED.  I WENT TO MISSION LIBRARY TO RECHECK OUT CHROME.  I ESCAPED GERDA AND ROSE.  ROSE BROUGHT HER DEAD PHONE.  GERDA OFFERED TO TAKE HER TO ATT FOR A NEW BATTERY.  I SHOW THE GALS HOW EASY IT IS TO REPLACE THE BATTERY OR PHONE WITH THE SIM CARD.  ROSE SAID SHE WANTED A WALKER SO I WENT UPSTAIRS TO BORROW ONE.  AFTER I GO TO ALL THE TROUBLE SHE DECIDES SHE DOESN'T WANT TO GO, JUST LIKE WITH NOT HIRING CAROL ALLEN.  THEN GERDA COMES UP WITH THE SUGGESTION I TAKE ROSE'S PHONE AND GET IT FIXED.  LIKE ROSE WOULD BE SATISFIED WITH THAT.  SHE'S TERMINALLY UNGRATEFUL AND GAVE HER DAUGHTER CANCER WITH HER ATTITUDE.  SHE COMPLAINED HER CANCER RIDDLED DAUGHTER WOULDN'T TAKE HER TO SOLVE HER PHONE PROBLEM WHEN SHE HAS SO MUCH MONEY SHE COULD THROW MONEY AT THE PROBLEM AND SOLVE IT IN TWO SECONDS.  I DECLINED.  BIG WIN.

NOT AS WELL

FOR SOME REASON I SUDDENLY REMEMBERED I HADN'T PAID DISCOVER.  3 DAYS LATE.  I DIDN'T HAVE MY PASSWORDS SO I CALLED CUSTOMER SERVICE AND TALKED TO KIRA.  $27-37$ LATE FEE. AND NO IDEA ON FICO EFFECT.  OR % .

SO I'M NOT FEELING AS SECURE AS I THOUGHT.  OH, WELL.

I'M FEELING WEEPY.  I'VE BEEN CRYING.  I WAS GOING TO TAKE TIME OFF.  I CHANGE MY MIND.  NO ONE IS HITTING ME OR MAKING FUN OF ME FOR CRYING.  I'LL JUST LIMIT MY RUNNING AND GET MORE REST.  I'M SO GLAD I DON'T HAVE ANYONE FROM MY PAST ANYMORE.

I HAVE TO GO TO MISSION TO TURN IN THE CHROME TOMORROW.  CODY COULDN'T DO IT THIS WEEK.  SOME KIND OF BIB HOLD.  THERE'S TWO OTHERS AVAILABLE.

EVERYTHING IS ENCOURAGING ME TO CRY. 

OPRAH LUCID DREAM

I WAS IN A MANSION FILLED WITH PEOPLE AND AN ECLECTIC RAMBLING DESIGN.  OPRAH IS THERE FOR A 5 PERSON FOCUS GROUP.  I LOOK FOR A SHOWER OFF THE DEN, A ROOM WITH AN EGG EXPERIMENT(SENTIENT).  I GO LOOKING FOR ANOTHER BATH. 

ALL THE PEOPLE 30-40 ARE YOUNG 20'S TO 30'S, HEALTHY, SUCCESSFUL, CONFIDENT.  I WONDER WHY I'M THERE.  POSSIBLY TO GIVE OPRAH A MESSAGE FROM HER UNCLE JAMES.  HE WAS AN USHER AT FIRST CHURCH OF RELIGIOUS SCIENCE WILLOW GLEN.  ONE SUNDAY THEY WERE SHORTHANDED AND I BECAME THE CHURCH'S FIRST FEMALE USHER. CAROL THE MINISTER COMMENTED FROM THE STAGE.  I HADN'T NOTICED.  I LIKED HAVING PEOPLE GIVE ME MONEY.  HE INVITED ME TO MEET HER FLYING IN FOR FAMILY REUNION MAYBE 1987.  I DECLINED THE DOG AND PONY SHOW.  SHE WAS THERE FOR FAMILY NOT TO PERFORM.

EVERYONE IS TO STAY AT LEAST OVER NIGHT. 

I AWOKE KNOWING BIG CHANGES ARE AHEAD.  I REACHED FOR THE CHROME AND WIPED OUT MY SETTINGS.  I WISH I KNEW HOW I DID IT SO I COULD AVOID IT. 

TAKING CARE

I'M LEARNING TO LISTEN TO MYSELF.  MY BODY IS TIRED.  I ADDED GARBANZO BEANS TO MY CAN OF SOUP FOR ADDITIONAL PROTEIN AND FIBER AND IT'S POWERFUL.  4 POTTY BREAKS.  AND I BIKED LEVEL 5 FOR 20 AND LESSENED ANOTHER 15 MINUTES COOL DOWN AND STRETCHED HALF AN HOUR.  MY BODY DESERVES AND REQUIRES A REST.  SOMETHING I'M NOT USED TO TAKING.  I'M JUST NOT USED TO TAKING ANYTHING.  I'M CONDITIONED TO WORK BEYOND WHAT'S GOOD FOR ME.  NO MORE.

I'M RESTING.  I'VE BEEN WATCHING SEASON ONE OF ROCKY AND BULLWINKLE.  AND NAPPING.  THIS IS ONE OF THE SHOWS THAT GOT ME THROUGH LIFE WITH MY HORRIBLE FAMILY.  HEY, I KNOW IT COULD HAVE BEEN WORSE.  BUT IT COULD HAVE BEEN SO MUCH BETTER. 

MY SENIOR FAMILY MAKE FUN OF ME AND THEY LOOK OUT FOR ME TOO UNLIKE MY ORIGINAL FAMILY.  THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE.  THEY HONESTLY WANT TO SEE ME HAPPY.  THEY LOVE ME.  THEY ACCEPT ME.  THEY'RE NOT PETTY OR JEALOUS.  AT LEAST WITH ME.  I COULD BE WRONG.

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DESPAIR.  I THINK I'M HAVING A BOUT OF DESPAIR.  I ONLY KNOW I'VE NEVER FELT IT TO THIS DEGREE.  I COULDN'T SLEEP.  I KEPT OBSESSIVELY PLANNING THE FRONT YARD.  I FINALLY DISTRACTED MYSELF WATCHING A HEAVENLY CHRISTMAS, KRISTIN DAVIS, ERIC MCCORMACK, SHIRLEY MACCLAINE.

NOT HAVING BEEN ALLOWED MY FEELINGS, ASSOCIATING FEELINGS WITH BEATINGS, FEELING IS SCARY FILLED WITH DREAD.  I NEED TO BE WITH THESE FEELINGS.  I DON'T WANT TO SUPPRESS  THEM.  PART OF BEING HUMAN.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW IF THEY'RE MY FEELINGS.  THIS HOUSE IS DRENCHED IN NEGATIVITY.  I'M TIRED OF THE NEGATIVE CRITICISM.  IF I'M DELUSIONAL MY EXTRAPOLATIONS OF CLIMATE CHANGE WOULDN'T HAVE COME TO PASS.

WHEN I WAS 16 IN HIGH SCHOOL BIOLOGY LEARNING ABOUT SEEDING CLOUDS TO BRING RAIN IN DROUGHT CONDITIONS I ASKED IF AIR POLLUTION AROUND MANUFACTURING WOULD CAUSE WEATHER PATTERN CHANGES, MR CHUCK WHERITY SAID HE DIDN'T KNOW BUT BASED ON THE SCIENCE IT WAS INEVITABLE.

HOW CAN PEOPLE REFUSE TO SEE WHAT'S BEFORE THEM?

I AVERTED A POTENTIAL DISASTER.  THE TV REMOTE DIED AND I CHECKED THE BATTERIES, CORRODED.  BAKING SODA TREATMENT.  FIXED.  I GUESS BAKING SODA IS GOOD FOR A LOT.  I HAVE A DRAWER FULL I BOUGHT YEARS AGO NOW I KNOW WHY. 

EGG DAY

I'M FEELING HEALTHY.  AND I WATCHED LIVEWELL NETWORK TO LEARN SPRAYING VINEGAR AND SPRINKLING BAKING SODA KILLS WEEDS.  EPSOM SALT MAKES PLANTS GREEN.  I DO LOVE LEARNING.

NEENER NEENER

I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT AND I DON'T HAVE TO KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

I DON'T HAVE TO DO ANYTHING.

I CUT MY NAILS YESTERDAY AND TYPING IS SO MUCH EASIER.

I, I, I, I.

I'M WATCHING WORLD BEFORE YOUR FEET.  IT GIVES ME FREEDOM TO LIVE MY LIFE THE WAY I WANT.  HIS PARENTS AND PEOPLE IN HIS LIFE ACCEPT HIM LIVING, BEING WHO HE IS.  HE ISN'T CONSTRAINED BY WHAT PEOPLE THINK HE SHOULD BE.  HE HAS THE COURAGE AND FAITH  TO LIVE HIS LIFE.  AND IT TAKES  LOT.  SO MANY PEOPLE LIVE UNDER CRITICISM AND JUDGMENT CRUSHING THE LIFE.  HE'S BASICALLY HOMELESS WITH PURPOSE.  HE'S A NOMAD.  LIKE SWAMI BEYONDANANDA SAYS 'I NO MAD AT YOU, YOU NO MAD AT ME.'

I KEEP THINKING TODAY IS SUNDAY.  TWO SATURDAYS IS NICE. 

I WENT TO SENIORS THEN PAID PGE.  I'M FEELING PRETTY GOOD ON THIS LOVELY COOL DAY

I LOOK FORWARD

I KNOW A SPIRIT DIRECTED LIFE IS THE MOST FULFILLING, NO MATTER THE APPEARANCE REQUIRES FAITH.

new me

I ACCIDENTALLY ERASED MY SETTINGS.  I'M STARTING OVER. 

TM CAME BY YESTERDAY AT 4 TO LET ME KNOW CURTIS DIED SUNDAY MORNING.  HE WENT LAST THURSDAY TO SEE HIM IN AUBURN HOSPICE.  HE NEVER MENTIONED IT BUT SAID HE'D CALLED ME 10 TIMES BUT THERE WAS ONLY ONE.  OH WELL.

I'M OVER MY POP POP RUSH ADDICTION.  AND WASABI ALMONDS.  WHEW.

FOLLOWING SPIRIT

YESTERDAY I DID LAUNDRY AT LAFAYETTE AND IT WAS PERFECT.  I PLAYED ON CHROME BOOK AND LISTENED TO LOUISE.  I MINDED MY OWN BUSINESS.  A WOMAN LOCKED HER KEYS IN HER CAR AND I DIDN'T NEED TO RESCUE HER.  TWO MEN TRIED TO ENGAGE ME IN CONVERSATION I IGNORED.  AND I FELT TOTALLY GOOD.  I DRIED SOME SOCKS IN MY SWIM DRYERS.  SO EASY.  I WASHED MY NEW BLACK/WHITE DRESS.

WHEN I FOLLOW SPIRIT LIFE IS SO EASY.  GOING WITH THE FLOW.  NOT FIGHTING THE CURRENT.

SENIORS WAS GOOD.  I FINISHED MAYBE THE LAST 100 PIECES IN THE OLD PUZZLE AND STARTED A NEW PUZZLE.  AN OLD MAN HORNED IN SO I WENT TO EXERCISE.  THEN RED PECKER WAS FILLING LOOSE PIECES IN THE OUTLINE SO I THREW THEM OUT SAYING HOW STUPID IT IS TO CLUTTER SO NOTHING CAN BE SEEN.  SHE LEFT.

LUNCH OF ORANGE CHICKEN WAS GOOD AND AFTER LUNCH I SAT WITH GERDA AND READ HER PAPER.  BIG HELEN WAS THERE.  THE ADVICE COLUMN HAD A STORY OF A MOTHER WHO DRIVES HOURS TO EVENTS AND DOESN'T ATTEND.    LIKE DAD.  I FINALLY GET HE'S JEALOUS OF THEM.  SHE'S JEALOUS.  ANOTHER MYSTERY SOLVED.  IT'S EASIER TO SEE IT IN OTHER FAMILIES WITH NO EMOTIONAL CHARGE.  AND HE GOT TO PICK A FIGHT WITH MOM AND EMBARRASS HER IN PUBLIC.  WOW IT MUST HAVE THRILLED HIM.  NO WONDER HE SUFFERED SO MUCH.  HE HAD A LOT TO ATONE.

2010

LOOKING BACK I STARTED BLOGGING TRYING TO DOCUMENT MY ASPERGERS.  HUH, I DID NOT REALIZE THE IMPETUS. 

18 YEARS OF HEALING MY LIFE.  I LIVED IN FEAR PREDICATED ON MY FAMILY'S STUPIDITY.  THEY REVEL IN IT.  STUPIDITY CAUSES DISEASE.  DIS EASE.  ANIMALS ARE SMART ENOUGH TO CHANGE BEHAVIORS TO OBTAIN DIFFERENT RESULTS. 

MY FAMILY INSISTED ON TRYING TO FORCE THE UNIVERSE TO CONFORM TO THEIR IDEAS.  DOESN'T WORK. 

KEEPING UP APPEARANCES

MY ADDICTION TO NORMALCY KEPT MY HEALTH IN JEOPARDY.  I KEPT UP THE HOUSE AND YARD TO MAINTAIN THE FAMILY MYTH OF NORMALCY AND KEPT RE INJURING MY BODY.  SO NOT WORTH IT.  I HAVE TO KEEP REMINDING MYSELF OF THE EIGHT YEARS I WAS BEDRIDDEN AND NO ONE TOOK CARE OF THE YARD.

5 PM-I'M PLAYING POP POP RUSH.  SO MEDITATIVE.  I FOUND THE 3 PENNIES I FOUND FRIDAY IN THE SAVERS PARKING LOT IN MY GYM BAG ALONG WITH A MARBLE.  I'M FINDING MY MARBLES.  I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHERE I PUT THEM.  I WASHED THEM.  I LOOKED THROUGH ALL MY POCKETS OF THE CLOTHES I WORE.

WHEN I HUNG OUT WITH ROCK HOUNDS I SAW A SIGN ON HOW TO BECOME A ROCK HOUND.  BUY A BAG OF MARBLES.  WHEN YOU FIND A PRETTY ROCK LEAVE A MARBLE.  WHEN YOU'VE LOST ALL YOUR MARBLES YOU'RE A ROCK HOUND.

I FORGIVE MYSELF

ELIJAH AT G2 SAFEWAY OVERCHARGED ME $2.  THE SELF SERVE DIDN'T TAKE THE FREE COUPONS.  OVER $30 AND HE TRIED TO TELL ME IT WAS CRV AND TAX.  NOT IF IT'S FREE.  NO TAX OR CRV.  HE TOLD ME TO CHECK MY MATH LIKE HE HAS A BACHELOR'S IN BUSINESS MANAGEMENT.  I ALWAYS GOT A'S IN ACCOUNTING.  I CORRECTED TWO BANKS CHECKING STATEMENTS.  I THINK NOT.  I DON'T ARGUE WITH IDIOTS.  WASTES MY TIME.

I DON'T KNOW

TODAY IS A DAY OF RELAXATION.  10 YEARS AGO I DIDN'T KNOW HOW I'D LIVED MY LIFE DRIVING MYSELF FORWARD BY HABIT.  I DIDN'T OWN MY OWN LIFE.  I WAS TAUGHT/HABITUATED TO DO WHAT WAS RIGHT FOR THE FAMILY.  I WAS COERCED TO NEVER QUESTION WHETHER IT WAS GOOD FOR ME.  I KNEW WHAT I HAD TO DO.  EVERYTHING WAS FOR THE FAMILY.  I DIDN'T EXIST.  I LIVED FOR THE FAMILY.  I THINK THAT'S THE BIGGEST LESSON FROM FRESH OFF THE BOAT.  THAT WAS IN BELLS ON THEIR TOES TOO.  THE SEQUEL TO THE 1940'S ORIGINAL CHEAPER BY THE DOZEN BIOGRAPHY OF THE GILBRETH FAMILY.

EDDIE HUANG HAD TO FIGHT FOR HIS LIFE.  AS AN ASIAN AMERICAN A FLUID IDENTITY IS SO ALIEN.  EVERY PERSON IS AN IMMIGRANT.  EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS A CHANCE TO CREATE THEIR OWN IDENTITY AND LIFE.  THAT'S THE AMERICAN DREAM/PROMISE.  IT KILLED ERIC.  HE TRIED TO BE AND WAS THE PERFECT JAPANESE/AMERICAN SON.  HE HAD NO PERSONAL AGENDA.  HE DIDN'T EXIST.  THAT'S WHAT I'M SO SAD ABOUT.  HE NEVER REALLY LIVED HIS OWN LIFE.

WHILE FIGHTING FOR MYSELF MAKES ME STRONGER I'M TIRED.

I WALKED TO 7/11 FOR A LOTTO TICKET $34 MILLION.  HEY SOMEBODY HAS TO WIN.

1 PM- I GOT LAST NIGHT'S EMAIL FROM SAVERS.  IT WAS ALMOST EMPTY.  I ASKED THE CHECKER WHEN THEY ANNOUNCED THE CLOSING, TUESDAY.  VERY SHORT NOTICE.  TODAY THE LAST DAY.  THEY STOPPED RESTOCKING TUESDAY. 

I GOT PINK COTTON FABRIC AND SALAD BOWL $2.  I STOPPED OFF AT ST. JUSTIN'S WILL BE CLOSED 18-28 SPRING BREAK.

GETTING ENOUGH REST

AS LONG AS I LAY DOWN ENOUGH I'M OK.  I'M RELAXING.  I'M NOT STRESSING AND WORRYING LIKE I USED TO WHICH WAS SCARY IN ITSELF.  I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE THE FEELING.  SCARY IS AN OLD FEELING.  MOURNING IS LESSENING FOR ERIC'S SHORT TRAGIC LIFE. 

GRACIE FELL AGAIN.  SHE'S SO DEPRESSED AND SAD.  I WONDER WHAT SHE WAS LIKE BEFORE HER ACCIDENT.  I KNOW WHAT SHE'S GOING THROUGH PHYSICALLY. 

I ATE PEANUT BUTTER AND BANANA 8 PM.  TOO MUCH SUGAR.  OH, WELL.

NOT AS OK AS I THOUGHT

I THOUGHT I WAS OK UNTIL I SAW MY LOCKS ON THE HANDLE OF THE LOCKER I USED YESTERDAY.  I FORGOT AND DIDN'T EVEN REALIZE I FORGOT.  I DON'T KNOW HOW TIRED I AM.  I STILL HAD TO GO TO CAMPBELL LIBRARY.  I CAME HOME 1:30.  I LAY DOWN AT 3:30 AND SLEPT UNTIL 5.  I'M STILL MOURNING ERIC.

I HEATED THE SPIRAL CUT HAM FROM THANKSGIVING WITH ORANGE MARMALADE.  SO GOOD.  I COOKED AND ATE 3 SMALL ARTICHOKES FROM MY YARD.

MY CITY UTILITIES WAS $80 HIGHER BECAUSE OF THE NIGHTS I LEFT THE LIGHTS ON AND I USED THE OVEN TO COOK AND TOASTER OVEN TO HEAT CRESCENTS A LOT.  AND CHARGING THE LAPTOP AND GAMING ALL DAY.  LIVING LARGE LAST MONTH.  I PAID PROPERTY TAX TOO.

WITNESSING

ERIC'S LIFE WAS SO TRAGIC.   WHEN FRANK TOGAMI WAS KILLED IN 1998 I COULDN'T BELIEVE IT.  HE WAS KILLED THURSDAY ABOUT 4 AND STEPHANIE CALLED ME FRIDAY MORNING.  I COULDN'T ACCEPT THE TRAGEDY.  I'D JUST SEEN HIM 3 NIGHTS BEFORE AT ERIC AND STEPHANIE'S  ENGAGEMENT PARTY.

IN MY MIND I REACHED OUT TO FRANK AND THERE HE WAS.  I ASKED HIM WHY.  HE LOST MANY COMRADES SERVING IN THE 442 WW 2  AND DIED AS A WARRIOR.  HE HAD JUST ANNOUNCED HIS RETIREMENT FROM TOGAMI AUTO REPAIR AND COULDN'T SEE HIMSELF TRAVELING WITH ROSE.  HE DIDN'T WANT TO WAIT FOR THE SPECTER OF CANCER.  HE LEFT ERIC WITH A HEAVY BURDEN.  ERIC TOOK ROSE TO LUNCH EVERY SUNDAY.  HE LOVED HIS MOM UNCONDITIONALLY.

TYRANT TO TYRANT

WHEN I WAS 16 I DISCOVERED I HAD RHEUMATOID ARTHRITIS AFTER MY DAD PUT MY 10 GALLON AQUARIUM WHICH I BOUGHT AND PAID FOR OUT ON THE PATIO ONE FREEZING WINTER.  WE'D HAD A HISTORY OF ME MAKING HOT BUTTERED TOAST AND HOT CHOCOLATE BEFORE BEDTIME.  I HAD A MIDTERM THE NEXT MORNING SO I MADE HIM HIS TREAT AND TOOK MINE INTO MY ROOM AND STUDIED.   NEXT MORNING MY AQUARIUM WAS GONE FROM THE KITCHEN.  MY MOM DELIGHTED IN TELLING ME WHAT DAD HAD DONE THE NIGHT BEFORE AND I RUSHED OUT TO SAVE MY POOR FISH.  THEY WERE HANGING IN THE WATER ALMOST FROZEN.

I FILLED A BOWL OF WATER AND PLUNGED MY HANDS INTO THE ICY WATER.  MY HANDS BECAME RED SWOLLEN AND USELESS.  MY MOM LOOKED AT MY PAIN FILLED FIERY HANDS AND SAID I HAD MY GRANDMA'S ARTHRITIS AND POOH-POOHED MY PANIC  ANOTHER EXAMPLE OF HER MOTHERLY LOVE.

WHEN I WAS 18 I WAS FORCED OUT TO LIVE ON MY OWN.  AND STARTED SMOKING.  MISSING THE EVER PRESENT EFFECTS OF TOBACCO.  I BEGAN LIFE IN UTERO LIVING ON NICOTINE.  MY DAD CHAIN SMOKED AND MY MOM LIT HIS CIGARETTES WHILE CONDEMNING HIM FOR SMOKING.  AND THAT'S WHEN MY ALLERGIES STARTED.

WHEN I WAS 20 I MET WILL.  HE WAS THE COMBINATION OF ALL MY FAMILY SO OF  COURSE I WAS TOTALLY CO DEPENDENT WITH HIM, MARRIED HIM NEXT YEAR.  HE CHEATED AND BETRAYED ME LIKE MY FAMILY.  JOHN BRADSHAW, HENDRICKS AND HENDRIX CLARIFIED MY LIFE AFTER YEARS OF RESEARCH.  WHAT I THOUGHT WAS NORMAL UNTIL I OBSERVED OTHER PEOPLE LOVING AND RESPECTING AND SUPPORTING EACH OTHER.  WOW!

2:18 pm.  I CRIED FOR ERIC WHO LIVED THE LIFE I WOULD HAVE LIVED IF I'D BEEN MALE.  HIS MOM WAS DAD AND AILEEN COMBINED.  THE FIRST TIME I MET ROSE I KNEW HER.  ERIC WAS OPENING A NEW KARAOKE SHOW IN ALMADEN VALLEY.  SHE LITERALLY CAME RUNNING AT ME LIKE A JUNK YARD DOG WANTING TO KNOW WHO I WAS WHY I WAS THERE.  I JUST LOOKED AT HER BEING FAMILIAR WITH THE BULLYING BEHAVIOR. 

AND ERIC IS DEAD TWO YEARS NOW AFTER 60 YEARS 10 DAYS OF LIFE.  IN 1998 THE WEEK ERIC AND STEPHANIE HAD AN ENGAGEMENT PARTY ERIC WITNESSED HIS DAD'S MURDER BY A DRUNK DRIVER AND RODE IN THE AMBULANCE WHILE HIS FATHER DIED.  THEN CAME THE YEARS OF GOING TO TRIAL.  HIS LAST 5 YEARS WERE DEALING WITH STOMACH, LUNG CANCER.  HIS SUFFERING IS OVER MY SADNESS CONTINUES LESSENING OVER TIME.

TWO YEARS

RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.  THE SECOND YEAR IS THE HARDEST.  ERIC'S SAD SHORT LIFE 6/3/1956-6/13/2017.   I THANK GOD I WENT TO VISIT HIM THAT LAST WEEK.  6/11 LAUREN'S BIRTHDAY.  WOW, LAUREN WILL BE 39 AARON IS 41.

MOM'S DEATH 18TH YEAR 5/13/2001 COMING UP.  I'M FINALLY OK WITH IT.  I HOPE IT DOESN'T TAKE 18 YEARS AGAIN.

1:11 PM I'M SITTING IN FAMILY WASH ON LAFAYETTE.  LOVELY, LARGE, BRIGHT.  DOUBLE LOAD IS $2.50.  AND I TAKE MY TIME.  AND I LISTEN TO LOUISE.  I LISTENED WHILE PUZZLING THIS AM AND DIDN'T LISTEN TO ANY NEGATIVITY.  I LOVE LAUNDRY.  I LOVE CLEAN CLOTHES. 

I HUNG CLOTHES AND REPAIRED SHIRT AND SHORTS. 

7 MONTHS

I RETURNED TO AFFIRMATIONS.  AND MY LIFE IS BETTER.

WOWIE! ANGEL!

I AWOKE 4 AM  AND TOOK MY TIME DECIDING IF I WANTED TO GO TO THE CAR SALE AT 7TH STREET.  I CONSIDERED THE LAUNDRY, $TORE, SR, SAVERS.

I DECIDED IF I LEFT AT 7:30 I COULD GO TO MIDTOWN SAFEWAY TO REDEEM COUPONS AND GO TO THE CAR SALE.  I SAW A 2010 TOYOTA 80+MI $5,343.  NONE OF THE EXTRAS I HAVE.  BUT WHAT A DEAL ON A BASIC CAR.

I PASSED ERIC'S GARAGE AND THE BUILDING IS GONE.  THE ENTIRE BUILDING.

I DROVE THRU WILLOW GLEN MY OLD STOMPING GROUNDS AND DECIDED TO GO TO SAVERS.  I STAMPED, ADDRESSED, MAILED MY LETTER TO AUNTIE THELMA, BOUGHT 6 AVOCADOS AT FOOD MAXX I PUT IN TRUNK.  I FOUND DRESS, NEW LILAC BANDANA, BLACK BRA, SHEEP PANTS FOR $8.  PRETTY SWEET.  I GET TO CAR AND DON'T HAVE MY KEY.  I LOOK AT TRUNK.  GONE.  THE TAMALE PARKING LOT GUY SAYS ANOTHER PARKING LOT VENDOR HAD IT AND GOT IT BACK FOR ME.  WHEW!!  I OFFERED HIM BOTTLED WATER HE DECLINED.  DRIVING HOME 11 AM I STOPPED AT SENIORS AND CALLED PCH, SHOWERED, BIKED 20 MINUTES.  CAME HOME AND ATE PINEAPPLE RICE, TERIYAKI PORK.

NOT FUNNY

GUTENBERG SKIPPED TO THE LONELY HEART BOOK OF POEMS-ANN CHESTER AND WIKIPEDIA HAD INFO ON BOGART MOVIE IN A LONELY PLACE 1950.  FOOD FOR THOUGHT.

MY BACK AS IT HEALS RELEASES MEMORIES.  1972 FALL INJURY REMINDS ME OF LEAVING HOME.  HOW DAD WANTED ME GONE.  AND WILL NEVER CARED ABOUT ME EITHER.  READING FRESH OFF THE BOAT EDDIE HUANG MEMOIR PUTS LEAVING HOME INTO A NEW PERSPECTIVE.  AND MORE IS BEING REVEALED.

I MUST BE RIGHT.  I FEEL CALM AND VINDICATED.  ALMOST HAPPY. 

6 1/2

I STAYED UP AND WATCHED SCHOOLED AND 2018 GRINCH.  SURPRISINGLY BETTER THAN ORIGINAL. 

4 HRS

I MAY NEED A NAP.  I'M PROCESSING MORE STUFF.  MOM THREW OUT ALL MY COMICS,  I HAD THEM ALL.  SUPERMAN, SPIDERMAN, BATMAN, THE SUPER HEROES.  I NEVER GOT INTO THE AVENGERS.  WAS SHE TRYING TO ERASE ME?

WATCHING THE SPIDER VERSE BRINGS OUT OLD FEELINGS OF SADNESS.  I FEEL DISCONNECTED FROM MY BODY IMMERSED IN OLD EMOTIONS.

PEOPLE MAKE THEMSELVES SICK BY IGNORING WHAT MUST BE RESPECTED AND ACKNOWLEDGED OR IT MORPHS INTO A PHYSICAL FORM DEMANDING ATTENTION.

ALL MY BACK ISSUES.  STOMACH.  BODY FROM MIND.

I WANT  A UNIVERSE OF HAPPY HEALTHY WEALTHY WISE.

FEELING DOWN

I WONDER ABOUT ALL THOSE 8 YEARS I WAS BED RIDDEN.  THE YARD.  IT JUST GREW.

I NAPPED 1 1/2 AT 4.  I'M FEELING GUILTY OVER THE YARD.  AN IMPROVEMENT OVER JUST FEELING SICK.  I HAVE TO REMEMBER.

I'M FEELING

SO SLEEPY.  I WOKE AT 3 A M FIRST OF MONTH BLUES OR SOMETHING.  I DO LIKE HAVING ALL THAT TIME TO GET READY FOR THE DAY. 

I STRETCHED IN THE HOT TUB, DID MY BANKING, GOT MONOPOLY TICKETS, ST J NEWSPAPER, BACK TO SENIORS TO PUZZLE UNTIL 4:30 AND HOME.  MY FEET HURT DIFFERENTLY.  I HAD RICE, CORN, MEATLOAF.  I'M TRYING TO STAY AWAKE.  6 HOURS SLEEP IS NOT ENOUGH.  IT WAS SUPPOSED TO RAIN.  I' STILL WAITING. 

NEXT DOOR HAD MY PERS NOTICE SINCE FRIDAY.  MY USPS EMAIL HAD PICTURE OF IT WITH AUNTY'S LETTER.  CINDY WROTE ABOUT TRIMMING TREES FOR MAY CLEANUP AND OFFERED CUTTING.  I DON'T KNOW.