I KEEP AWAKING TO FRIDAY

THIS WEEK I WAKE UP THINKING IT'S FRIDAY.  MAYBE BECAUSE IT'S THE FIRST OR I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND.  I CAN DO MY BANKING OR WAIT.

BILL MURRAY GROUND HOG DAY MOVIE SATURDAY. 

I HAVE TO PAY HOUSE INSURANCE BY FRIDAY, LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE. 

TODAY CAMPBELL LIBRARY.

3 PM-I DECIDED ON CUPERTINO LIBRARY.  I PICKED UP A COPY OF GROUNDHOG DAY.  I CAME HOME AND WATCHED THE END OF MILLIONAIRE AND JEOPARDY.  I ATE VEG CHILI FROM SENIORS.  ART AND INGE SAVED ME NEWSPAPER.  PRETTY SWEET.  I HAD A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH FOR LUNCH AND REMEMBERED DILL PICKLE. 

STILL AGITATED

I MUST STILL BE UP LEVELING.  I RECOGNIZE AND ACKNOWLEDGE FEELING CONFLICTED, RESTLESS.  THAT'S IMPROVEMENT.  AND I CAN LET THAT BE, OBSERVING MYSELF.  LIKE A CHARACTER IN THE STORY OF MY LIFE. A HUMAN BEING.

I OBSERVED ROSE MARIE YESTERDAY.  SHE CAME TO INGE'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT SENIOR CENTER.  SHE HASN'T CHANGED HER ATTITUDE.  SHE HAS $7K A MONTH FOR ASSISTED LIVING AND WON'T SPEND THE MONEY TO COME FOR LUNCH.  HER NIECE BROUGHT HER.  SHE HASN'T PROGRESSED.  SHE SAID IT'S ONLY BEEN SINCE JUNE.  IT SEEMS LIKE A YEAR ALREADY.  I GUESS BECAUSE OF MY CHANGES.  I'VE CHANGED.

 6 PM- TODAY WAS BOOK MOBILE DAY.  AS I WAS LEAVING I FINALLY REMEMBERED TO ASK PETE IF HE LOST A LIGHT GREEN LIGHTER LAST WEEK.  HE SAID YES AND I TOLD HIM IT WAS IN MY CAR AND I'D GIVE IT TO HIM AT LUNCH.  HE AGREED AND THEN APOLOGIZED TO CODY BECAUSE IT WAS HIS BIRTHDAY AND HE FORGOT HIS DVDS.  SO I RETURNED HIS LIGHTER AND GAVE HIM MY SPARE LIGHTER FOR HIS BIRTHDAY.  HOW COOL IS THAT.

I'M GETTING MY BILLS READY.  HOW CAN I MAKE IT FUN?  I'M GETTING BORED WITH IT AND DON'T WANT TO SCREW IT UP TO MAKE IT EXCITING.  I KNOW HOW I AM.

I WENT TO ST J TO LOOK FOR THE RUBBER SALAD DRESSING COVER.  ZERO.  I FOUND A COMPACT CAN OPENER, NEW 9 X 12 CANVAS, LIGHTED MAGNIFYING HANDS FREE LENS.

I REARRANGED MY CHAIR AND FOUND THE SMALL NAIL CLIPPERS.  HOORAY!  I'M FEELING SUCCESSFUL.

MY FEET ARE HURTING AGAIN BUT IF I STRETCH MY BACK AND HIPS IT GOES AWAY. 

MY FEET DON'T HURT

I CAN'T REMEMBER HOW LONG IT'S BEEN.  I KEEP ON KEEPING ON.

4 AM-30 YEARS AGO.  AFTER I'D MOVED TO GILROY I FELT THIS BONE TIRED.  SOUL TIRED.  I FELT DISAPPOINTED WITH MY LIFE.  DEJA VU.

I WAS A WRECK THEN TOO.  I WAS ABSORBING AND ASSIMILATING HARD WON TRUTHS.  I WAS CONTINUALLY DISAPPOINTED AND I SURVIVED.  I AM AT LEAST 10X BETTER.

I USED AFFIRMATIONS THEN TO LEAVE THE OLD LIFE BEHIND AND I'M UP LEVELING AGAIN.  I WAS HEALTHIEST AND HAPPIEST AT RADIO AVE.  I MOVED TO VIA VICO, THE DOORWAY BACK TO HERE.  THEREFORE I CAN BE HEALTHIER AND HAPPIER.

I HAD NO ONE TO HELP ME THEN BUT GOD SAW TO MY NEEDS.  GOD HELPED ME THEN AND NOW.

THIS TIME I'M READY AND WILLING.  GOD MAKES ME ABLE.  CAIN AND ABEL. I CAN AND ABLE.  CONFLICT.

I'M BETTER EQUIPPED TO DEAL WITH IT.

WAITING FOR EPIPHANY

I KEPT WAKING EVERY TWO HOURS RESETTING LISTENING TO LOUISE HAY.  I EXPECT I'M REDUCING RESISTANCE TO NEW AWARENESS.

LIKE A BABY.

BAD DREAM

FELL ASLEEP 10 WOKE FROM BURRITO I ATE 8.  T IS DRIVING BUICK LE SABRE LX ON FREEWAY PITCH DARK NIGHT ON INTERCHANGE SPINS OUT ACROSS LANES.  STOPS IN DARK.

I HOPE HE'S OK.

OF COURSE

WE'RE CONSTANTLY PROGRAMMED WITH CONFLICT.  TV, MOVIES, LIFE REINFORCES EXAMPLES OF SEPARATION.  WARS, SHOOTINGS, ATTACKS.

IT'S SO OBVIOUS.  HOW CAN WE LIVE IN PEACE WHEN ALL WE KNOW IS WAR; BY PLANTING SEEDS OF PEACE, NURTURING, GROWING HAPPINESS.

WE'RE HYPNOTIZED.  ALL OUR PROGRAMMING SETS OUR INDIVIDUAL AUTO PILOT TO FINDING DISCORD.

WE'RE WORKING PERFECTLY AS PROGRAMMED.  WE ONLY NEED TO CHANGE THE TARGET, THE DESTINATION, THE END RESULT.

IT'S NOT OUT THERE.  IT'S INSIDE EACH OF US ON AN INDIVIDUAL BASIS.  WE CAN DO IT.  WE ONLY NEED TO FIND, CREATE HAPPINESS FOR OURSELVES.  FAILURE, UNHAPPINESS IS TRYING TO MAKE OTHERS HAPPY.  99% OF THE TIME IS DOOMED TO FAILURE.  NOT A GOOD SUCCESS RATE.

MY HAPPINESS IS NOT OUT THERE.  IT'S INSIDE ME.  ONLY I KNOW WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY.  ONLY I FEEL MY HAPPINESS.  AND BEING HUMAN THAT SET POINT WILL ALWAYS CHANGE, LIFE IS CHANGE.

11:30 BACK FROM MY ROUTINE I ATTEMPTED TO REORGANIZE ADDITIONS TO FREEZER AND RESULTING AVALANCHE OF CASCADING FREEZER BURNED FOOD WAS SORTED AND TOSSED.

7.PM AWAKING FROM NAP I THOUGHT IT WAS WEEKNIGHT AND EXPECTED JEOPARDY.  LIKE A BABY I'M STARTING ANEW.

SOLITUDE

I AWOKE CONCERNED THAT RICH HAD 3 BIG HITS; HIS MOM DIED, YOUNGER BROTHER DIED, HIS DAD HAD STROKE.  AND HE HASN'T GOTTEN COUNSELING.  I WENT TWO YEARS KAISER UNTIL THEY KICKED ME OUT OF THE PROGRAM.

I SUPPOSE IT'S LIKE DAD DIED '99, MOM DIED YEAR AND HALF, MY SISTERS BETRAY THREATEN HARASS ME TO THIS DAY.  RICH IS YOUNGER, STRONGER AND THE STAR IN THE FAMILY.

WE BECAME ORPHANS.  NOW I KNOW WHY I ALWAYS ENVIED POLLYANNA.  ANNIE.  MAYBE WHY THEY'RE SO POPULAR.  I'M NOT ALONE.

I DON'T KNOW WHERE I'M GOING WITH THIS.

8:15 I FELL ASLEEP WATCHING ABOUT A BOY SERIES.  I AWOKE TO A DREAM OF STEPHEN ROOT DRESSED AS WHITE LINEN SHIRTED HIPPIE PLAYING GUITAR IN STREET PERFORMANCE AND THE SINGING IMPROVED AND WAS FROM DVD.

THE SUBJECT WAS WILL MOVING TO NY FOR DR SAM, LEAVING MARCUS AND FIONA IN SF.  THEY'RE ALWAYS USING PHONES TO COMMUNICATE.  ALONE WITH THE ILLUSION OF TOGETHER.  MITZI AND AILEEN STILL USE ME AS SOMETHING IN COMMON.  WHEN I WAS SICKLY AND WEAK MITZI CHOSE "HEALTHY" AILEEN.

NOW I UNDERSTAND PEOPLE CONSTANTLY ON THEIR DEVICES TRYING TO AVOID LONELINESS.  WELL, WE ARE SINGULAR.  WE ARE ALONE.

THE CONNECTION IS LIFE FORCE, GOD UNIVERSAL SPIRIT, ELECTRON ENERGY.

GOD IS THE HUB OF THE WHEEL OF LIFE.  WE ARE SPOKES ON THE WHEEL.  THE FARTHER AWAY FROM GOD THE MORE TURBULENT OUR LIVES. 

ADDICTION

IS AVOIDANCE.  ATTEMPTING TO IGNORE THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ATTACHED TO PAIN FILLED MEMORIES.

OR IN MY CASE I SMOKED BEFORE I WAS BORN.  NICOTINE WAS PART OF MY PRENATAL ENVIRONMENT.

WONDERING WONDER WOMAN

AND NOW I KNOW HOW SHE MARRIED THE LOSER.

I AWOKE REGRETTING THE LOSERS I DATED.  SO MANY LOSERS.  BEING PURSUED AND LOOKING FOR ANYONE HALF DECENT.  I WAS TIRED.  I WAS LONELY.  I WAS DYSFUNCTIONAL.  RAGING HORMONES.  THE QUEST FOR A HAPPY LIFE.

EVEN ANGELA LANSBURY MARRIED A FROG.

I'M SO GLAD I DON'T HAVE TO PUT UP WITH THAT NONSENSE.

I BLESS THE PAST WITH LOVE AND LET IT GO.

ON THE LINE

SO FAR SO GOOD.  I WENT BACK FOR MY BAG OF JUNK AT ST J I FORGOT TO RETRIEVE AT THE FRONT DESK.  GONE.  I BOUGHT A SHORT ALUMINUM LADDER $8 AND A SHADOW BOX $2.  OH, WELL.

NOW I KNOW WHY I BOUGHT AN EPEE AT A YARD SALE FOR $5.  TO REPLACE TOMMY WALKER  MEYER ANTIQUE CURRIER AND IVES SWORD STOLEN BY SIS'.

BUBBLE OF BLISS

I'VE BEEN LIVING ON MY TIME.  NO CLOCKS.  IT'S GREAT.

I EXERCISED, HAD LUNCH, JEANIE MADE 1 1/2 EGG SALAD SANDWICH.  NEXT TABLE BAKERY LADY BROUGHT EXPERIMENTAL MUFFINS, PEACH PIE.

LOOKS LIKE I DUMPED MY GOOD BLUE PLIERS AND SMALL NAIL CLIPPERS.  I'VE LOOKED EVERYWHERE.  OH, WELL.  MORE STUFF.

TODAY I GOT TWO MAIL DELIVERIES.  I FINALLY GOT MY BILLS.  I'VE WORRIED I MISPLACED THEM.  THIS IS JANUARY AND EVERY THING IS SLOW.  I'M GETTING TAX PAPERS TOGETHER.  I'M FEELING CAPABLE.

INGE SAVED ME THE NEWSPAPER.  I WENT TO MAIN LIBRARY TO PICK UP DVD; PRIMAL FEAR.

I'M ACTUALLY FEELING HAPPY.

HEAVEN / HELL

THIS WORLD IS BOTH.

THINK ABOUT IT.  THE BEST LIFE IS TEMPORARY.  AS GOOD AS IT GETS IT WILL END.

AS BAD AS IT CAN BE WILL END.  PURGATORY.  PUNISHMENT FOR THE PAST.

WE HAVE THE OPPORTUNITY TO IMPROVE THE QUALITY OF LIFE.  TO INCREASE THE QUANTITY.

IT'S WHY ACTORS BECOME ACTORS.  THEY CHOOSE ROLES THAT ARE CONTROLLED ENVIRONMENTS.  THEY CAN BE HEROES OR VILLAINS.  AND EVERYTHING IN BETWEEN.

I'M THINKING ABOUT WHAT I WANT TO DO TODAY.  I HAVE TO PAY DISCOVER, DUE TODAY.  DID IT.

I PUT OUT BINS,  FILLED WATER BOTTLES, FINISHED AND STARTED BEET JAR, FINISHED WASHING DRAWERS. 

MISSING WALKING STICK, CURRIER IVES SWORD, TEES.  MY SISTERS THINK THEY CAN ERASE ME BY TAKING MY STUFF.  THERE'S ALWAYS MORE STUFF. 

HEALING IS HARD

AT LEAST THAT'S HOW IT FEELS TODAY.  YESTERDAY I SPENT THE DAY WITH MYSELF AND I LIKED IT.  I HAVE TO EXERCISE TO GET STRONGER AND THAT MEANS GOING OUT.  I WASN'T ALLOWED AND MY BODY STILL REMEMBERS.

MAYBE BECAUSE I WASN'T ALLOWED TO DO AND BE SO MUCH OF THE TIME IT MADE ME WANT TO TRY DIFFERENT THINGS.  ONLY CLEANING AND COOKING, MAID WORK, WAS SANCTIONED.

LIVING IN MY CHILDHOOD HOME WITH ALL ITS MEMORIES (NIGHTMARE LIFE) IS UNCOMFORTABLE.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE CAN LIVE THE SAME LIFE EVERY HORRIBLE DAY.  INSIDE I'M SCREAMING TO GET OUT.

NOT EXERCISING MAKES ME VERY GRUMPY.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW PEOPLE TOLERATE NOT FEELING GOOD.  THEY SIT AND COMPLAIN.  HOW DOES THAT HELP?  DO THEY ACTUALLY FEEL BETTER COMPLAINING?  I NEVER HAVE. 

I'M A VERY PRACTICAL PERSON IN A WHIMSICAL WAY.

LOVE BOAT

MY AWAKING DREAM I'M SAILING ON THE LOVE BOAT.  I'M IN THE LOUNGE, THE CAPTAIN IS TAKING A NAP. 

MY SHOULDERS ARE SORE FROM DOING LAUNDRY.  YESTERDAY WAS VERY PRODUCTIVE.  I CHOPPED UP HAM I FROZE FROM THANKSGIVING.  FILLED WATER BOTTLES.  WATCHED MINIONS MINI MOVIES-13 MINUTES. 

I STAYED IN BED AN HOUR. 

HOME AGAIN

I WAS FEELING TIRED AND DECIDED I DIDN'T HAVE TO WASH LAUNDRY UNTIL I GOT TO THE CAR.  I FELT GOOOD AND WENT BACK FOR LAUNDRY.  I FOUND TWO PENNIES.  AND A BLACK BATH TOWEL.  I WASHED THE EXACT AMOUNT OF SOX FOR THE GARAGE HANGER.

ALAMIDA GAVE ME EVELYN GERACCI'S ADDRESS AND PHONE #. 

I WANT TOMORROW FOR A DO NOTHING DAY.  EH, I MAY HAVE TO GO OUT FOR SMOKES OR CARL'S BURGER OR MCCDONALD'S 2 FOR $5 OR JACK IN THE BOX OR KFC.  THE WORLD IS MY FOOD COURT. 

I DECIDED I NEED THE REST.  I'M GETTING PUNCHY.

SUNDAY IS ST J.  IT'S SUPPOSED TO RAIN AGAIN.  TODAY AND TOMORROW ONLY CLOUDY.  MONDAY MLK HOLIDAY.

I HAVE DVDS, FOOD AND I'M WILLING TO ENJOY MYSELF.

"switch to geico"?

-AS I WAS WAKING.  I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT MEANS.  I WILL.

YESTERDAY I WAS SO HIGH.  TODAY MY DIGESTION COULD BE BETTER.  EH, TOO MUCH SUGAR.  MY BODY COMPLAINS,  TV RECEPTION, COMPUTER INTERFERENCE FROM HEAVY RAINSTORM.  I COULDN'T LISTEN TO LOUISE AND KEPT WAKING.

PRIMAL FEAR WAS ON MOVIES! LAST NIGHT AND NOW JASON SEGEL TALKING ABOUT IT ON KQED ON STORY 2017.

I'M HOME

DARK RAIN CLOUDS.  I'M SNUGGLY ENSCONCED.  I LEFT DIRECTLY AFTER LUNCH.  KIMO IS BACK LORDING IT OVER THE PUZZLE TABLE.  I PAID CONSUMER CELLULAR ONLINE. 

MAURICE BROUGHT PUFF PASTRY AND SUZETTE BAKED A FLUFFY CHOCOLATE CHIFFON RING CAKE DUSTED WITH CONFECTIONER'S SUGAR.  WHAT A PARTY!

I WAS FULL.

YESTERDAY I THREW AWAY SOME SPOILED FOOD SO TODAY I'M RESTING.  I WASHED MY HAIR, PADDLED IN THE POOL FOR AN HOUR AND STRETCHED 15 MINUTES.

BOOK MOBILE CAME TODAY.  AUDREY ANN ASKED TO BORROW MY LIVE ACTION LITTLE MERMAID, NO NO NO.  I HAVEN'T EVEN WATCHED IT YET.  SHE HAS TO GET A LIBRARY CARD AND BORROW IT.  I'M PROUD OF MYSELF.  THE OLD ME WOULD HAVE SERIOUSLY CONSIDERED IT.  NO NO NO GUILT.

FEELING BORED AT HOME I CUT 4 INCHES OFF HAIR.

CINDERELLA NO MORE-WALTER RETURNED.

60 YEARS OF SERVITUDE.  60 YEARS A SLAVE.  I DON'T EVEN KNOW.  I'M FEELING SO CONFUSED.  A LITTLE ANGRY.

IT'S EASIER TO SEE OURSELVES PROJECTED IN OTHERS, OUR EYES ARE ON THE OUTSIDE.

YESTERDAY WALTER JR RETURNED TO SENIOR CENTER.  HE'S ALL ALONE NOW.  HIS SISTER HAS LEFT HIM HANGING OUT TO DRY.  IN TELLING ME OF HIS LITTLE SISTER'S CHILDHOOD  I CAN SEE HOW MY LITTLE SISTER MAY STILL CARRY A JUSTIFIABLE GRUDGE. 

HIS SISTER REFUSES TO SUPPORT HIM IN ANY WAY.  LIKE MINE.  SHE'S STILL PLAYING HER MIND GAMES.  CRITICAL, EXPECTING MONEY, REFUSING TO TALK, JUST DEMANDING. 

RICH AND ROBERT ARE THE ASIAN VERSION.  FAMILIES ARE WEIRD.  TRIBES.

ALL I NEVER SAW BEFORE, IT WAS RIGHT THERE IN FRONT OF ME.  I HAD TO LIVE IN DENIAL TO SURVIVE.  BE A LITTLE CRAZY TO LIVE IN A SICK CO DEPENDENT WORLD.

FRED-BLACK LAB/WEIMARANER

DREAM WOKE ME TO AMAZING CONNECTIONS.  I'M PETTING FRED AND HE DEFERS TO ME LOVINGLY, SUBMISSIVELY.

MY MIDDLE BACK IS SO SORE FROM AILEEN ATTACKING ME FROM BEHIND, BILL SHOVING ME ON SAN JOSE PARKING LOT STAIRWELL.  HE WAS AS CRAZY AS AILEEN.  HE ACCUSED ME OF CAUSING GEORGE H W BUSH HEAR ATTACK BECAUSE THEY HAD THE SAME BIRTHDAY.  SHE'S JUST CRAZY LIKE DAD.

TOM TRIED PHYSICAL INTIMIDATION AND I ALMOST BROKE HIS THUMB DEFENDING MYSELF.

I NEVER SAW MY IMPROVEMENT BEFORE.

I JUST HAVE TO RE MEMBER.  KEEP THE CONNECTION TO IMPROVE MY LIFE.

WHY

I KEEP WAKING UP.  THERE MUST BE MORE I NEED TO DO OR BE.

6:30 PM- DID MY SUNDAY ROUTINE.  $UNNYVALE NEWSPAPER, FRITOS, ODDS & ENDS $.25.  FROZEN LASAGNA, BLUEBERRY SCONES, SALAD, BUTTERNUT SQUASH. 

I THREW OUT WASH WATER, WASHED DISHES.  BITCH NEXT DOOR BROUGHT SCONES I LEFT ON TOP OF CAR TO THE FRONT DOOR.  I FOUND A LUCKY'S SHOPPING BAG IN GARBAGE CAN PERFECTLY OK.  I CAN'T UNDERSTAND THE DISRESPECT TO THE PLANET.  OR PEOPLE NOT CLEANING AFTER THEMSELVES IN PUBLIC PLACES.  LEAVING THE SHOWERS A MESS AND TOWELS SOAKED ON THE FLOOR.  SUCH DISRESPECT FOR OTHER PEOPLE. 

CH-CH-CHANGES

JUSTIN IS AN OASIS OF KINDNESS.  HE WAS MY ONE SPOT OF MERCY.  HE FORGAVE THE STOLEN DVD WHEN I WAS BEDRIDDEN.  TOMAS TOOK ME TO DROP BOX AND REFUSED TO CHECK IT DROPPED EVEN THOUGH THERE'S A WARNING TO CHECK.

JUSTIN CALLED, THE COVER WAS THERE, NO DVD AND FORGAVE THE COST.

THE ONLY GLIMMER OF LIGHT IN MY LIFE.

TUNED IN

I INTUITED THAT I'D HAVE TO TURN IN THE CHROME.  YESTERDAY I COULDN'T RENEW CAMPBELL LOANS.  JUSTIN TRIED TO CHECK IN AND OUT.  RESERVED.  SO I BORROWED FROM MISSION.  PET HAIR, YUCK.  IN THE LIBRARY IT DIDN'T SHOW.

I FOUND A NEW GAME.  WORD SEARCH IN 1 MINUTE.  I LOVE IT.  IT TAKES TOO LONG TO LOAD.  I STILL LOVE IT.

I'VE RELOADED MY SETTINGS.

STUBBORN VS. COMMITED

THE TWO SIDES TO EVERY COIN.  OPPOSITES.  ONE CONSIDERED GOOD, ONE NOT SO GOOD. 

MY PATTERN IS TO EXHAUST MYSELF SO I'M ABLE TO ACCEPT NEW IDEAS.  I WANT TO FIND A COMFORTABLE WAY.  I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE MYSELF TO EXHAUSTION TO BE ABLE TO ACCEPT NEW IDEAS.  EVEN THIS BACK INJURY.  HOW ELSE TO GET MY OWN ATTENTION.  I WOULD HAVE LEFT THE CRAZIES TO THEMSELVES LIKE ALWAYS.

I WANT TO RELAX MY WAY TO NEW IDEAS AND WAYS OF BEING. 

LAST NIGHT I PLAYED LOUISE HAY WITH THE MUTE ON THINKING IT WASN'T PLAYING.  I KNOW BECAUSE OF HAVING A GOOD DAY WITH PEOPLE WHO LOVE ME I'M SABOTAGING MYSELF IN MISPLACED LOYALTY TO THE FAMILY. 

I DON'T NEED TO DO THIS ANYMORE.

TREPIDATION

DOWN GRADED FROM FEAR, LESS THAN ANXIETY.

GERDA REMEMBERED MY CELERY.  NO ONE IN MY FAMILY EVER, EVER DID ANYTHING FOR ME.  HOW IS IT POSSIBLE I NEVER NOTICED.  HABIT I GUESS.  I LEARNED I COULDN'T DEPEND ON ANY OF THEM.  MY ENTIRE LIFE WAS BETRAYAL AND DISAPPOINTMENT.  NO WONDER I DON'T CARE.

MARILYN AND THE OTHERS ARE CONCERNED ABOUT POLITICS.  I'M NOT.  I SURVIVED THE BUSHES.

MY PAST MADE ME PRACTICAL. 

I GOT LIGHT

I HAVEN'T PAID MY INNER CHILD ATTENTION.  SO I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 12:30.  WAHH.....

I'LL BE FINE.  I'LL TAKE A NAP.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR FUN?

MY INNER CHILD IS USED TO BEING PUNISHED FOR HAVING FUN.  THAT'S THE ANXIETY.  YESTERDAY WAS TOO GOOD.

GERDA OFFERED TO BUY MY CELERY AND JOHN AT ST J GAVE ME JIM CROCE CD.

MY FAMILY WOULD HATE ME AND THEM.  MY FAMILY IS SO SMALL AND PETTY.

GOD SAVED ME.

5 A.M.-I'M LISTENING TO LOUISE AND READING WODEHOUSE, I'M HAPPY.

NEW MOON

I'M FEELING STRESSED.  I THINK I'M TIRED.  I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO FEEL TIRED.  I WAS NEVER ALLOWED TO FEEL ANYTHING.  MY FEELINGS WERE RIDICULED AND DENIED.  AND NOW MY FEAR AND ANXIETY ARE BUBBLING TO THE SURFACE WHEN I GET TIRED.  MAYBE THAT'S HOW I KNOW I'M TIRED. 

LAST NIGHT IT TOOK ME HALF AN HOUR TO FIND MY ALTERNATE SWIMSUIT.  I HAD JUST DECIDED TO SWITCH BETWEEN TWO SO I'LL ALWAYS HAVE A DRY SUIT TO WEAR. 

AND TODAY I THINK I PAID MY CITY BILL TWICE.  OH, WELL.  NOT A BIG DEAL.  UNLESS I MAKE IT ONE.

DRIVING MYSELF SANE

I LOVE THE SENIOR CENTER.  I GOT THE NEWSPAPER (2), VARIOUS TREATS FROM EVERYONE.  SWAM 45 MINUTES,  CLIPPED COUPONS, REMEMBERED TO RENEW WEEPING WEREWOLF BUT 9X MAX.  SO I WENT TO MISSION TO PAY FOR LOSING IT AND IT WAS ONLY $9. 

I CAME HOME HUNGRY WITH FISH, BROWN RICE LEFTOVER FROM LUNCH.  I HAD TURKEY BARLEY SALAD FOR LUNCH.  LOTS OF GREENS. 

I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHAT I DID WITH MY BLACK FLORAL SWIMSUIT.  I PUT IT IN A PINK PLASTIC BAG THIS MORNING AND WITH MY ALL BLACK ONE PUT IT IN MY BIG RED SHOPPING BAG WITH PAPERS, FRUIT, JUICE, ETC.  I USED THE BLACK ONE TO SWIM.  I COULDN'T REMEMBER WHAT I DID WITH THE FLORAL.  I LOOKED IN THE CAR, COULDN'T FIND IT.  FINALLY AFTER DECIDING TO ASK LOST AND FOUND IT WAS BEHIND THE FRONT DOOR. 

I'M STILL SCARING MYSELF BUT I HAVEN'T LOST ANYTHING LATELY.

6:37

DREAM OF BUDDY BLACK LAB.  T AS YOUNG THIN ASIAN MAN GETTING INTO BLACK MUSCLE CAR.  WE'RE AT FLORA VISTA WALGREEN'S.  HE STARTS TO TAKE OFF ACROSS EL CAMINO REAL WE CALL HIM TO HEEL.  HE SPOOKS AT PIGEONS ON SIDEWALK.  HE JUMPS INTO CAR WITH T.

BACK TO THE POOL.  GERDA OUT SICK.   INGE BACK.  ART TOO.  AND I FOUGHT OFF A COLD WITH TYLOPHORA AND VITAMIN C. 

I COULDN'T SLEEP LAST NIGHT BECAUSE OF THE 3 CUPS OF TEA AT ST JUSTIN'S SENIOR LUNCH.  SO I NAPPED. 

FORGIVENESS

PEOPLE STAY STUCK BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T FORGIVEN THEMSELVES AND OTHERS.  VENGEANCE-PUNISHMENT.

I'VE HEARD LIFE IS CLIMBING A STAIRS AND GETTING STUCK IS FOCUSING ON THE FOOT IN MIDAIR.

I TOOK MY TIME DOING SUNDAY.  CAME HOME, PUT AWAY GROCERIES.  WENT TO ST J IN THE RAIN.  ZERO IN THE STORE.  LUNCH WAS HAM, DELICIOUS PACKAGED SCALLOPED POTATOES, GREEN SALAD, ROLL, SUGARY DESSERT.  SITTING PLAYING BINGO I REALIZED I WANTED TO WATCH THE ORVILLE

SO I DID AND I TREATED MYSELF TO BEEF/BEAN BURRITO FOR DINNER.

I FORGIVE. 

WEIRD AND GOOD

LIVING FOR MYSELF FEELS EXCITING AND SCARY.  I GUESS LIKE A ROLLER COASTER RIDE.  THE BUMPS, BRUISES AND EXHILARATION. 

PUZZLE IS A PUZZLING MOVIE.  I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE ENDING

I'M TAKING A ME DAY.  I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE DRIVING.  AND SO I WON'T UNLESS I DECIDE TO TRY A CARL BURGER. 

HNY

I WATCHED DVD AND DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO STAY UP.  WHY DO WE?  I FEEL GREAT.  I WANT TO BE STRONG.  I WAS ASLEEP BY 10.

6PM-DOING WHAT I WANT TO DO IS STILL SO NEW.  MY ENTIRE LIFE WAS DOING WHAT WAS EXPECTED OF ME BY MY FAMILY.  WAITING FOR THE PHONE CALL TO DO FOR THEM WITHOUT A THANK YOU OR ANY APPRECIATION.  JUDGMENT, SCORN, DERISION.  EVERY NEGATIVE IN THE BOOK. 

THAT'S WHAT I HATE ABOUT SU AND HARI.  THEY TREAT ME LIKE A SERVANT. LIKE MARY.  I HATE HER TOO.  LIKE MY FAMILY.

I MADE CRISPY FISH/GREEN SALAD.  CHERRY TURNOVER.  YAY!  ME!