6:50 am

 new me.  and the lesson of ME ME.  I have to focus on ME.  

best Halloween.  lots of sweets and love.  and bingo size.  and home 2:45 for people puzzler.  

loving it Nob Hill and ME-ME

they don't take recycle since Recycle Tek opened in Sunny Vale.  Safeway stores have recycle kiosks for smart phones.  

6:48 am even better

i don't understand people waiting in the cold.  doors open at 7 they rush to park and stand in the cold.  like mom and mitt on black Fridays to stand 6 am outside of target for the thanksgiving sales.                                        i puzzled, soaked, changed to exercise and Toki showed up 10:30.  i filled water, went to lunch.  Trudy, Kenny, Fred said hi, Salome, Florence and Donchy.  after lunch i puzzled until bingo.  i won once.  feeling ok i stopped at Safeway for 4 cheese, 2 Stouffer dinners, salad mix, $2.50 cornbread.  i picked up 2 movies at cup.  last day lucky's buy 2 get 3 free chips.  mac nuts $5 sale i bought 4.  and feeling great.  i got it all done.

6:52 am the perfect time to arrive

i get situated letting my soul catch up and planning my day.  

2 dreams 1 i kissed my true love and #2 Anne worrying about her brain.  

soaked stretched in the tub for an hour then stretched on the table.  i did squats until I was breathless.  i'm feeling better.  

The lunch not good but the company was excellent:  Trudy, Kenny. Fred, Toki, Diane for the men.  

after lunch i played on puzzle until 2 and decided i'd exercised enough.  i packed up and came home for people puzzler with 6 minutes to spare.  i was starving from a tiny lunch and ate chips.  

productive day yesterday-no hot spot

i waited 10 minutes in line to fill car then walked cost co and redeemed rebate for cash.  i forgot container for soda refill and long lines everywhere so i ate at home.  salad, chips, st just sandwich.  home 7 pm.

today i feel pretty good.  i remembered Ukraine's big sign on my calendar.  i ate p b on free Artisan Hawaii'n bread for b'fast.   just what i wanted.  

i relaxed, watched movies 'til i felt ready.  10 am good time for gym parking in shade.  i forgot my flips and God provided a towel.  tygj.  lovely perfect weather.  air was ok.  done by 11 i went looking for the benefit.  parked at front door of club house.  lots of food and crafts.  beautiful green eyed people.  i looked at everything sampled cottage chocolate.  bought 2 bars and box of 7 potato dumpling for $24 my cost co rebate.  

went to $ tree and finally bought $5 antifreeze, spaghetti-o, bag clips, not crab, lime rice, garbage bags.  

new unknown feelings-returned sunny hot

i've been sitting with my feelings since 5 am.  my natural tendency is to assume new feelings are painful.  i don't know.  i know the natural normal reaction is run away.  must be why and when celebrities die of drug and alcohol poisoning.  and Eric and Mike of cancer chemo.

hot tub revelation:  men require women to be men.  women don't need men to be women.  

soaking is gently releasing a lifetime of suppressed➡➡emotions.  many were installed before i learned to speak so i don't have words for them.  i'm feeling especially blessed thinking about all the modern conveniences i have: cars, elevators, microwaves, etc.    

11:30 st just lunch at the library cafe.  i bought Safeway salad mix $1.79 and 6 old fashion cake donuts $3.84.  $60 cash then i remembered tomorrow Ukraine benefit food and crafts 10:30-1 pm 1122 Pomeroy.  i think the church.  if we don't do what we can to stop Putin-Hitler he'll just keep rolling through Europe then the world.  

i felt ok breathing library air drove to sunny, puzzled 'til close 6 pm.  

air is so bad even in stores i'm coughing.  sprouts corn bread.  i let go of my thoughts and was detoured to cost co, long lines for gas only 10 minutes to fill up i parked and walked the warehouse.  i wanted hot dog or pizza kiosk wasn't working customer service desk cashed me out.  

feeling comfortably empty

Great to have nothing going on.  

may be time to have chrome battery checked.  ran down to 22% 2 hours.  

i have a sock laundry idea to do small batches.  we'll see.  

lucky's freebie 21 tiny packs of true-blue saltines 16.3 oz i got one of the two they had.  i walked sprouts too.  i biked and stretched.  when i feel tired i have to remember how much i'm doing.  

For lunch cajun fish i liked the kidney beans and rice.  very tasty.  Amber put out leftovers i got an entire meal.  

my own personal heaven

i'm sipping my sweetened coffee while writing my feelings.  feelings are power.  feelings are energy.  money is a symbol of energy.  energy traded for a salary.  

The county library has my favorite movies.  

i opened a gallon of grapefruit juice and drank over half.  so good for my guts.  i told Walter but he prefers pain and anti-acids.

all my unfelt childhood fears are bubbling up.  i had to stuff them down to survive.  now i feel safe i can process them.

i printed map to Ukraine bake sale and post office job for Diana.  crazy printer keeps spitting them out.  first it won't print then it won't stop.  Hey stop and spot.  

i won first bingo exercise.  came home and watched end of people puzzler while eating Mauna Loa strawberry guava ice with additional mac and hazel nuts.  so good and chips.  cooked chicken skins from Toki, Florence, Donchey, Fred.

mike died last weekend

The desk has a notice with his name and picture.  Michael Winn.  he reminded me a lot of Eric.  he chose how he died.  we all do.

i found out actually Friday.

3 hours of air

conditioning before my stomach settled enough to soak in the tub.  i hate feeling sick.  my tailbone on fire i can tolerate.  throwing up no.  

wearing a 95 mask is the only solution.  i picked up free bread and cookies at lucky's and paid PGE at Walmart, bought shakes and copper back brace.  

home and rest.

humans can be so inhumane

last week i read a court case on animal cruelty prosecuted in great Britain one of the defendants american for distributing movies of monkey torture.  one step away from torturing humans.  

maybe that's how family secrets begin.  too horrible to discuss.  pretend it never happened.  deny, deny, deny.

brain tumor man apologized to me expecting me to forgive and forget.  i don't trust smiling easy apologies.  Sister Aileen couldn't melt butter she was so cold.  just words without meaning.  insincere.  

he did motivate me to vote and drop off my ballot.  

i checked library computer new chrome format increased safety measures.  so it's lethargy is nothing I've done.  

came home 2:30 for people puzzler and i ate the canned chef boy r d chicken soup.  terrible so i ate it before it got worse.  sitting on a shelf wouldn't improve it.  

either a cold or allergies

awoke congested from Oakland fires.  cool and overcast.  coughing, blowing my nose.  so i'm getting lots of exercise.

I found my vitamin c's i have a cold brought on by allergies.  nothing new.  i take one when feeling feverish and i feel better.  and today i feel like eating strawberries, almond pastry, goat cheese.  

i'm fascinated by "a handful of dust" 1988 movie based on evelyn waugh 1934 book.  i find the infidelity weird.  i believe in cause and effect.  simple physics.  

like computer and tv reception is messed up from cloud cover.  so when people act on animal nature all energy around them is affected.  kids have no defenses relying on adults to protect them so they pay the price, the sins of the fathers visited on the kids.

5:30 pm i'm feeling better.  half a dozen c's.  

oakland fires i'm all stuffed up

with my smoke allergy.  seniors 7:38 open at 8 i like waiting and organizing my stuff and thoughts.  soaked in the tub an hour then sprouts walk about and 99 cent box of washed baby greens.  st j lunch and weekend bag.  library 3 books to peruse.  book sale.

and today chrome is working fine.  and it was just this tab.  

11:30 first lunch sandwich with lettuce.  cafe scored extra 2 tunas and waters, can of viennas.  i left fruits.  

mom always complained.  and the ex had the same complaint of not getting what they wanted and yet they did.  they weren't stupid or were they?  i honestly don't know it just never occurred to me.  

ok i bought a bag of movies.  an hour and half.  going past st just i stopped at the button sale.  mom would have loved it.  i still have her buttons.  

my skin is so allergy dry.  my lips are chapped.  i have so many chap sticks and moisturizers.  and i'm eating my tylophora.  

the connection was interrupted- Mike died

must be under attack from hackers.  i'm changing my thoughts, energy, and life.  

he reminded me of Eric.  not really tuned into life.

so relaxed

i forgot to pay city and cell.  i started looking for voting due to Trump er meltdown in tub.  he loudly announced to everyone he's voting for trump.  no one asked so i sought clarification asked if he's voting for king trump he started repeating the many lies so i commented on trump's many threats to subvert democracy like hitler after being elected in germany.  he left in a huff shouting at me to shut up to which i replied today i still have free speech.  trump ers are so cuckoo.  makes me glad i'm old.  i pray for all immigrants who came here for freedom.  poor babies.  

i won bingo 1/2.  nurses talked a lot.  

friends and family

in my life maybe a handful.  more now.  

Diana gave me monopoly tickets that expired yesterday.  oh, well.  kept me busy.  

i puzzled 'til 5:30 then biked.  i went to nob hill to redeem free salad and mac nuts now $9.  3 hazelnuts on clearance $2.49.  I picked up 2 ads.  Tina burritos 2/$1.  blueberry pie for dessert.  

feeling frustrated

computer shut down after i looked at 2 spam.  firewalls working.  but i didn't write down the password I couldn't get in, I used alternate way I don't prefer.  

lovely cool and overcast.

I'm still feeling a little sad or hungry.  what for b'fast.  and do i want to go to sunny or nob or anything today.  holiday for city.  

i'm reading Amy B Scher how to heal yourself from depression when no one else can.  healing is an inside job.  she's lived it like me.  

King of Queens marathon

1998-2007 was the worst time of my life.  complete total family betrayal.  more than four times the pain with my ex husband.  

i had to come out of denial and accept the family chose their fantasy and subsequent consequences.  

i had to acknowledge they willfully and purposely chose to repeatedly betray and torture me.  

to be happy i had to process the pain of all the years of torture they inflicted.  feel it to heal it.  expose the wound to the light and oxygen.  

i'm pampering myself, the large Elf.  i'm keeping it light and in the light without taking it lightly.  

i feel like crying

something old in me is dying.  life is change.  the season is changing.  goodbye summer.  I've never felt more alive.  I'm missing a loving supportive family.  I can feel.

i think a lot of seniors are crippled from ignoring their bodies.  they're taught to fight their bodies until the body can't function.  dis ease.  doctors are like a lot of priests.  they want to be God.  

i decided happy birds is too crowded, loud, hot.  not today.  i remembered comic con and avoided the crowd picked up st just lunch Charity is so pleasant.  i walked first baptist for an hour and half i decided $10 budget asi lo mar mesh bag, adze, white lace fabric pieces, washable office pen organizer.  she wanted to charge me $12.  i was going to put back lace she threw it in and a separate bag for adze.   yesterday she wanted to charge me $8 for 2 pieces of fabric one white one blue lace.  no thank you.

life is improving

i showered, biked 30, puzzled, lunch i got extra plate by timing my walk.  i'm feeling calm and peaceful.  after seniors i went checked out prune lucky's picked up free soda and $5 2X royal blue hoodie.  decided to check out 1st baptist rummage too expensive.  I had a good time shopping for 2 hours.  

6:55 my favorite time of the day

BINGO size today.  i didn't win game, i'm feeling stronger, better winning my health.

next monday holiday except for sunny.  i feel like splurging.  

doing what i want.  i went to bank deposited checks and cash and walked Sprouts.  i resisted sale $5 peach pie.  CBD $10.  home 5 pm.  i made the best mac cheese tuna.  6 minutes then 3 minutes used dry milk 3 tsp butter i can tuna with liquid.  i consolidated cookies and brownies.  

the new improved me

i puzzled from 7 am.  i'm bliss ed.  and blessed.  we're sitting in a big pocket of air pollution.  

Marie came in to look for Walter he comes late.  i don't know if he's coming for lunch today.  he came uninterested in contacting Marie after his melt down yesterday.  

3:49 internet cut out.  and it's back.  after lunch i'm itching up a storm.  2 extra helping peas.  tub is perfect 94.  2 hours in heaven.  home 6:30 peas and can tuna ranch dressing.

cleaning up and organizing inside and out-no CBD last night

i decided i will help those who contribute to my well being.  i've spent the majority of my life catering to those who ridicule and demean me.  a very bad ingrained learned habit.  i can unlearn and teach myself better.  i'm exchanging bad habits for great ones.  i'm living proof it's possible.  all i wanted was peace.  i wanted the ideal family to make up for the soap opera my family enjoyed.  what i gravitated to was a new version of the old story.  and now for something completely different to quote Monty Python.

today is bingo exercise part of MY ideal world.  i soaked and massaged my neck.  i started puzzle.  Francine and Mark were playing puzzle.  Walter went round and round awful-izing i refused to play.  he hasn't been around and panics over Marie.  i told him she's been at seniors and the library.  he set himself up to suffer and expected me to feel sorry for him.  he complained of heat when he brags about his air conditioning.  i told him he's smarter than to pretend he didn't know the consequences of his actions.  he claimed he was starving and had to go to Costco for food.  he waited 'til late and suffered.  he still complains about his stomach refusing grapefruit juice and refusing to wear back brace.  too many times i've said to try, he's hopeless.  he's too tied to his suffering.  i'm done.  i saw Marie at central he's her problem. 

anti seizure or beta blockers lower blood pressure.

i organized

i haven't finished banking.  i don't have to.  my bills are organized.  100 degrees at 4 pm.  i swam 8-9:30.  i'm putting my health first.  the air is bad.  the air conditioning is better not good.  

my energy is slightly better.  i tossed the drum sticks i cooked.  i don't want them.  i prefer veg protein.  

temps coming down 5 pm 95.  

i'm planning Saturn day and moon day 14 holiday.  sunny is open.

president putin-101 day

a dictator is still a tyrant whatever he calls himself.  i can call myself Queen of the city, doesn't make it so.   

i start my day at 5 am.  i brought in max protein shakes from car.  it's lovely 70 cool and dark.  when i feel tired i have to remind myself i have good reasons.  i was never allowed to feel.  Walter is going through the same thing.  he was tortured and denied his feelings too.  reconnecting feeling can be painful.  emotional neuropathy.  being denied the right to live.  barely tolerated existence.  hearing mom threatening to kill me.

big rain drops from high dark and white fluffy clouds in cup 9:48 arrival.  like Hawaii with the sun shining. 40% humidity.  i don't know if someone with pet dander or just bad air i'm coughing and stuffy.

Adult Survivors page 38 begins healing.  WOW!  page 42 "there is light peeking through the clouds of despair"  IGOR.  page 65 Erik Erickson's infant birth-18 months trust=hope.  stage two 18-3 years Autonomy Vs Shame and Doubt.  stage three 3-5 years Initiative Vs Guilt.  stage four 5-12 Industry Vs Inferiority.  stage five 12-18 Identity Vs Role Confusion.  stage six 18-40 Intimacy Vs Isolation.  stage seven 40-65 Generativity Vs Stagnation.  stage eight 65+ Ego Integrity Vs Despair.  

page 118 Moment of Insight:  When you are constantly criticized by your family, you don't stop loving them.  You stop loving yourself.

page 124 Moment:  You will only grow apart from people who don't grow.

page 178 Triangulation:  Flying Monkeys.  Nola.

readjusting

i just spent 8 weeks without a hot spot.  new and different always feels weird.  

i went to prune ridge Lucky's picked up free lemonade tea and bought unsalted mac nuts.  didn't have it in stock when on sale $2 off.  Walmart had one equate 12 pack vanilla max protein.  i may have to go to the mission college Walmart.  

seniors streets signed for parade.  i planned on avoiding traffic.  i spen an hour and half in tub.  Dave turned up.  i picked up lunch at ST Justin.  i finally realized i'm fulfilling all the lunches mom never made me.  mom gave Aileen and Mitzi lunch money but i had to fend for myself early or starve, mom didn't care.   mom was always threatening to kill me, blaming me for her unsatisfactory life.  i felt strangely powerful and confused as a child.  that's Aileen's insanity.  that's how i recognize and know Trump tactics.  

i was going to sunny but only hour and half open 'till 6.  tomorrow projected 96 degrees maybe cup library.  

awake at 5

i loaded free soda.  i'll go to Lucky's prune and Walmart tomorrow.  i want protein drinks.

Diana gave me 5 lbs frozen strawberries, chicken, fish sticks, squash.  i put in trunk.  i can use, give away or toss.  new sense of power.  weird.

yesterday 20 pieces of mail.  too boring.  Adult Survivors most excellent.  it has specific actions and explanations.  

the air is so bad.  my allergies.  i'm so glad i'm in library air conditioning.

5:30 i'm fading.

time to throw out old

nob hill goodies in trunk.  7 espresso, 2 ranch dressing, 2 grapefruit juice, 6 mac cheese.  and all extra discounted clearance.   encouraged me to toss fruit to squirrels and crows.  make room for the good.  or better.  i kept enough for Cody and Toki.  

synchronicity:  the upstairs puzzle is Harry Potter, the bookstore had a special book i read and the Adult Survivors of Toxic Family Members made reference to Voldemort and using names as power.  

home 6 pm regular parking taken i parked in front and loaded groceries into garage.  80 degrees.

Saturday 10/5 s c parade of champions

Monroe closure alternate route.  good lots of notice.  

i couldn't find car key 2.  i heard something fall going to my car last night didn't see anything and this morning couldn't find it.  $100.  i double checked seniors then called central it was in lost and found.  i buzzed over too expensive to ignore.  much as i don't like owning things and being owned by them.  better for my car to stay in the cool.  104 outdoors 3 pm.  4:30 snack time.  

couldn't sleep bingo size at 1:30-2:30

i'm getting healthy and having fun.  i missed last week when they cancelled due to illness.  

sunny notice hot spot tomorrow.  i do appreciate the convenience.  

lunch menu changed tamale pie to pesto fish.  i monopolized 'til bingo won twice like a bunch of gals.  then felt good i mailed bill, withdrew Chase and parked car in underground on 99 degree day.  underground parking 78.  

sunny phoned me but hot spot won't be ready 'til tomorrow.  seniors open 'til 7 and sunny open 'til 9.  i kept checking online.  

dinner a big salad with hot spicy bean tuna rice Smart Bowls.  so hot I added 2 peaches cups.