loaded picked up free protein snack bar

9 cent corn at lucky's.  shopping mode, dollar tree sardines, sprouts lemon cake, muffins, jack fruit.  filled water bottles kept busy at seniors.  decided on bingo.  bought bag lunch with bingo win.  

great day

i swam, puzzled, returned movies to cody bookmobile, renewed overdue book, picked up lunch.  drove to bev-mo no oxygen water.  parked at atherton clinic.  closed, i called then noticed v mail appointment cancelled 40 minutes earlier.  so i went to main central.  getting hot, lovely cool under parking.  inner voice said take money.  found dusty copy cheaper by the dozen one of my favorite movies.  took to bathroom cleaned dusty dead spider.  picked up complete 3rd rock and cinderella.  combo ready i returned code chrome

dental insurance

only covers cleaning and x rays.  $168.  is it worth it?

looked online yes, it is.

i'm still feeling abandoned they're still dead.  ate the mustard sardines excellent not so much tomato.  i can eat one or two times a week.  not the radical 3 consecutive days.  maybe later after i adjust.

i'm feeling abandoned

lots of deep breathing to reset my chemistry.  my new behavior of keeping library overdues is stretching and stressing me.  it's hugely different doing it on purpose.  

sat in car at seniors maria called.  i don't know.  she wants to come back but she doesn't seem to be doing anything to arrange it but calling people.  first she said she lost her phone for 2 years then it was stolen then she bought an i phone.  i'm confused.  then she said the phone erased my address asked for it to send me post cards and already had it.  at that point i said i had to go swim.  i couldn't listen anymore.  i soaked and stretched over an hour.  i want to get massaged every day.  

gerda perfect timing when i went to car.  i got her walker out for her.  she always thanks me profusely.  eddie, toki, diane, alex, new guy.  after lunch i got last extra fish meal.  diana needed housing help again.  since i was upstairs i asked the new nurse who was more than willing.  both thanked me.  unlike my family.  i puzzled 'til 2:30.  i'm happy, actually happy.

feels like some kind of anniversary

i don't know what.  my stomach was ok 'til a woman came into the locker room as i was finishing dressing wearing a stale stinky scent that upset my stomach.  caused my nose and sinuses to react upsetting my chemistry.  i trimmed my nails.

lunch ok not chicken mol e.  toki, thomas ron's twin, alex, salome very late, diane sat w/linda.  little gloria w/diana.  decided to continue the puzzle upstairs.  feeling exhausted dehydrated from my stomach upset.  maybe dehydrated.  my stomach still reacting.  after lunch i rested upstairs puzzling.  

living numbed out is easier

movies are popular because real life is hard, pretending is easy.  people love movies where everything is controlled.  no one dies, is hurt.  totally pretend.  instead of making their life better watching someone elses' dream.

i know, i'm doing it too.  i'm watching whitney.  i let sunnyvale requested copy expire.  new behavior for me.  i manually renewed tina.  it didn't automatically renew by computer.  

dis-ease comes from ignoring your gut.  3 brains drive the body:  solar plexus. brain, entire organism.  the head brain is the device to plan, create steps to accomplish what the gut desires.  good health comes from chemical balance in the body.  

called cathy.  her timely card reminded me to send 4th cards.  or not my choice.  lovely phone visit half hour she has covid sounds ok.  she has new 'ray krok' pools classes and making new friends.

food is my only treat

june is hard getting through missing eric.  2018 for a month i was test driving cars the year after eric died looking for another newer car to take care of me.  it never occurred to me consciously, i just felt anxiously driven.  the next year covid hit and prices were up on everything. 

i thought i misplaced the life insurance bill and it came in the mail today.  i'm so used to being blamed.  and cathy sent a card.  

i'm still mourning

i definitely don't want to go to tom's and be disrespected again.  i deserve better.  

my body is sore all over.  only ad in mail is lucky's i don't want freebie.  what i want i don't yet know.  safeway sent ad last week.  

i drank carnation instant b'fast terrible cramps.  not good on top of celery.  that's the thing eating like a child without thinking.  i'm becoming uninhibited.  

i was going to return overdue after lunch and remembered bingo.  i was a little tired.  i slept 9 hours.  cody bookmobile said no actions for overdue.  so 3 days overdue and i could wait 'til monday.  

yikes feeling betrayed

watching fresh off the boat so much stuff coming up.  asians are asians.  same family issues.  

i got bill today from dentist.  anthem liberty insurance letter yesterday denied claim yet paid $75 to fix cracked tooth.  i still owe $297.  eh, i'm worth it.  

first day of summer

took toki's advice 2 sets of senior center cards.  new for me.  today one back brace much cooler.  pain is slightly less.  i needed two yesterday.  

doing what i want is still weird and scary and feels like death.  the old me dies so the new me can live.  maybe all the violent fantasy movies are about people becoming their own heroes.  my story and i'm sticking to it.

daily word healing

took my time to go as slowly as possible without moving backwards.  paid discover then nodira renewed my seniors membership starting tomorrow.  i used old card today last day different number.  she made me 2 new copies full 4 names.  

remembered sympathy card for della.

today 2 back brace day.  back hips legs feet screaming.  stomach hurting like 1972.  so i came home in agony.  resting stretching.  pool was great an hour of massage.  lunch not good, company great, toki, alex, diane, susan.  rested in computer room feet up 'til 12:30 wanted to watch love boat.  rested, napped feeling better.

i'm feeling betrayed in the pit of my stomach

my neuropathy started when they denied i had feelings, forced me to go numb to survive my childhood.  i'm feeling it now, every disappointment, every hate filled jab.  

i'm so thankful i can take care of me today.  nothing needs my attention, taking care of me.  tom betrayed me so many times like my family did over and over and still.  

tina turner is a great example of forgiving and living.  i'll do my best.

juneteenth is the perfect day to be free.  i celebrate freedom from the past.

i paid pge at walmart walked store.  stopped at lucky's no chips tried drink not good.  i'm feeling weird.  oh, my back is so sore.  i prepped all cooked chicken and bok choy and potatoes i cooked.  showered more to get the dust and pollen off.  i like being the baby.  everyone who never got the chance definitely loves it.  and some want to continue being the baby forever.  

12:50 after juneteenth sack lunch i feel like punching someone who deserves it.  3 pm home i'm hungry.  i'm better at pacing myself.  i'm resting.  yay me!!

completely forgot

i used to live in cupertino 2 years the lucky's was so hard to find parking i wiped it from my mind.  i showered 24 hour fitness walked lucky's still no chips or big lots hemp seasoning.  disappointed i went to burger king chicken fries.  happy full tummy.  

cupertino library 10 am returned movies relaxed upstairs feet up.  googled lucky's 95014 on de anza i completely blocked parking so difficult.  

filled gas tank 8 am felt like it.  i'm only doing everything i feel like.  

home 12:30 watched cheaper by the dozen at 1.  i watched the best part 2:30 nap for 3 hours.  

spinach omelet/melted swiss

 best way to start the day.  

i seem to be doing it all.  i didn't know bag of books starts noon.  i stopped st j to get freebies ate perfect ripe banana, library used 2 free what a way to go and classic cowboy movies collection, then back to st j pantry groceries another banana and nectarine.  i've never eaten so much fruit.  and back to under central to await bag sale.  so many movies.    

11:55 time to go.  bought huge bag full $5.  left some getting too heavy.  found some weren't out before.  raymond 1-2-3 season.  

2:30 done.  everything sorted put away.  rest.

daydreaming-bingo today

another name for meditation.  abuse robbed me of so much, so many years, almost my entire life.  not.

i'm learning to enjoy the rest of my life.  health is my #1 priority.  happy people are healthy people.  i'm watching time bandits 1981.  county had 2 copies 1999 and 2004.  i borrowed both, one has separate special features disc.  monty python was a pleasant distraction from my disatisfying 1972 marriage.  

b'fast i decided the dollar tree cheese sausage snack and garlic naan.  loaded and picked up, drank lucky's free gatorade.  $2.49.  same price unsalted tim's chips out of stock plenty of jalapeno.  

maybe tomorrow central book sale, pick up requests, st j.  life is subject to change.

i have the entire upstairs computer room to myself.  feet up listening to healing.  perfect for stretching neck and shoulders.  lunch good, i won bingo 3 times.  i wonder how many have bingo and don't see it.  side stepped walter wished him happy b'day 18th sunday father's day.  he plans free b'day denny's grand slam and roundtable pizza.

home i charged phone and 3:32 pm tom m called della died he wasn't sure which sunday 6:15 am stroke.  star took care of her since january stroke.  he said she was 92.  memorial wednesday 28th at neptune society second street san jose 1 pm.  after house zaton.

took hours i finally found pink fabric i wanted for pocket added to gray chrome bag.

oxygen water is delicious

plain fresh water used to taste delicious but there isn't any more.  it's all processed.  so i add a little vinegar and stevia.  my aspergers makes everything sharper.  last night after hanging up laundry my tinnitis sounded like a swarm of bees.  it signaled my exhaustion.  i was happy enjoying my clean clothes and the events of the day.  lovely uneventful evening.  

i love doing laundry

i love clean clothes.  i was feeling tired.  then walter showed up with his flock of chickens just as i was leaving and he was trying to complain.  i had to leave explaining my program of retraining myself.  i want a better life.  reading tina turner happiness becomes you it's simple and perfect for aspergers.  single minded determination.  i was going to wait 'til weekend denying myself the pleasure of clean clothes.  i went to lucky laundry.  i like the high ceiling, lights and cross breeze.  no other laundry is like it.  home i wore wet shirt to stay cool.  perfect.  relaxed.  

ptsd

my neck and shoulders are childhood trauma from being beaten.  i wasn't allowed to express.  i suppressed.  all the pain stored in my neck shoulders legs and back.   

dream of army chaplain

ready to die for peace.  maybe we'll have peace when everyone left from killing each other wants peace.  

my stomach upset all night so i didn't know what day today.  i'm just hanging in here.

re watching wall-e i never noticed how violent it is.  and bringing up baby is so tense.  the only difference between comedy and drama is the ending.  i need to watch happy endings without the drama.  i've had too much drama.  

chronic pain sometimes makes me want to scream.  constant pain is frustrating.  

i have a hard time crying, mom would slap me 'til i stopped crying.  "i'll give you something to cry about".

tight neck agony

never felt before.  from dental work anxiety i'm sure.  still dealing with post trauma.  teeth represent nourishment.

and allergies horrible so windy.  i think heat from canada fires is blowing harder full of pollution.  

naomi judd is in hallmark xmas movie 2013.  she killed herself gunshot 4/30/22.  both my parents passive suicide after 2 years intensive psychotherapy i still hurt.  Kaiser kicks you out after 2 years.  i'm still crying.  i cry for my sisters and their kids who will still suffer effects of their denial.  the only for sure.

i'm working so hard to rest and heal.  it's so much easier to run around avoiding feeling and healing.  it's what's considered normal.  

dreamed of canada fires impact

orange skies.  points out we need to become one planet unified to survive.  putin won't stop his insane plans unless he has a bogger problem than his ego.  trump too.

dream of mother taking already sick child with her to check investments.  further damaging child because of money..

the planet is dying.  we're killing it through our neglect and greed.  nowhere to live without oxygen and clean water.  no one will save us unless we save ourselves.  people care more about football, trump, putin and meghan and harry than life.  oh, well i'm old.  another 10-20 years tops.

 i watch the news they just go back to the same behaviors ignoring the fires.  

it's all about feeling

prince harry in all his interviews is in such pain.  mom and dad both told me to my face i was the cause of their problems, their unhappiness.  a portion of england including the crown blames harry and meghan for its unhappiness.  it hurts everyone.  blame is not assigning responsibility.  blame is a weapon to diminish and deny existence, anti love and life.

i'm still scared of the dentist.  oh, well.  I did my swimming stretching very stiff and locked today.  

SO GREAT!  HALF AN HOUR IN 12:30 OUT 1 PM FILLING COMPLETE APPT FOR CROWN WHEN CLEAN.  tygj.  listening to music is working.  i'm feeling calmer.  ian and dr thang nguyen.  ashley and hannah.  i was too nervous to eat lunch and now i'm hungry.  i bought 2 liquid meals yesterday to try.  dinner tonight.  so expensive in most stores. 

remembering dad.  his cardiac arrest at carrows i was grinding my teeth after hospital and for months watching him like a hawk.  he doubled up on his meds.  almost killed himself then.  blinded himself night of cataract surgery when he almost died from the tranquilizer allergy.  he refused to take dr's advice hit his eye on sofa.  he finally died humble having knocked the stuffing out of himself.  so i don't hold grudges because people pay themselves back more horribly than i could imagine.  

my purpose

heal movie.  i don't know how it came up but I borrowed from sunnyvale.  it's reminding me.  i'm researching because my back requires down time or pain.  it's forcing me to take care not to overdo it unlike my family working me literally to death.  page 24 course in miracles healer's prayer.  online ACIM prayers.  they offer online course.  i'm so blessed.  being autistic i did 365 days no problem hyper focus.  so many familiar faces my good family in the documentary.  my own family forcing the baby bird from the nest.  

i'm feeling guilty enjoying myself relaxing.  i decided to rest my back reading tina books.  so conversational lots of pictures.  i already biked and stretched.  i'm better at not overdoing.  pacing myself.  

she used a lot of visualization as a child to tolerate the parents' violence and abuse.  i had nowhere to run, too scared to move.  mit tried to run away no where to go.  mom/dad made sure we were isolated so no one knew.  

at main library upstairs wiped off dandruff from chair and hassock.  charging everything.  dentist called to confirm the appt at lunch.  they called yesterday v mail while i was in pool too close to lunch.  toki heard my phone i didn't.  too busy talking.

still feeling ok despite parent program/see something different to be something different

it's in our survival dna to follow our parents' example.  we're hardwired to imitate our parents.  doing otherwise feels like death.  

watching tina turner (ike tried to make her tiny='tiny dancer')  she had such love for life.  that's what people responded to.  you have to love love.  to do otherwise is suicide.

feeling weird

like when alien beat me.  my body is aching.  vibrating.  been here before.  i still hate it.  i want to run away.  maybe how people stay motivated.  keep moving forward.  walt disney.

keeping to my regular routine helps.  i ran to seniors 7 am.  stayed in my car updating finances half an hour.  i biked 15 minutes and stretched half an hour.  lunch was ok 'tho the fish patty looked like tamale casserole.  toki always remembers comics until she stops the paper 1 k a year.  i called dentist for evaluation appointment thursday 12:30 per hannah.  

puzzled 'til 2:30 then went to sunny to pick up holds 5 movies 2 books to see and hear my new program.  i completed 2 puzzles.  so relaxing.  my health has always come last so now taking care of myself i feel guilty of not suffering=the family tradition.  left at 7 feeling good.  decided g2 safeway for free green giant restaurant garlic cauliflower, dinner, eggs, clearance $2.49 "spam" $9.81.  home 8 pm unheard of.  bed 10.

feeling terrible

nausea, pain. depression.  i want to run away.  

care givers are born.  it can be learned.  care givers are special.  i'm watching 9 Christmas collection movies.  nothing like the depressed violent childhood i experienced.  

tooth bothering me.  

chrome freaking out too.  screen blacked out froze.  i'm doing my best one step at a time.  i've been here before i want it to end. 

9:30 i can understand suicide.  the emotional pain is worse than physical.  can't jump out of your skin.  no amount of drugs, exercise, alcohol helps, only postpones the pain.  only feeling and waiting for it to lessen, dilute transmute in body.  

i just put together tina turner chain of events.  her son craig witnessed the ike abuse shot himself 7/4/2018 year after eric died while i was buying car.  anniversary of tina's 7/4 escape from ike.  tina died 6 months after ronnie her youngest son died of cancer complications.  we're all connected.  chain of pain.

no wonder i feel like crap.  watched another harry spare prince interview this time anderson cooper.  just look at great grandfather for the truth.  another spare.  like me.  

'fatherhood' film kevin hart

i'm feeling my aloneness and sadness.  i was too terrified and pressured to feel myself.  i feel 8 years old.  my stomach hurts.  i need love now as i did then.  

eating my b'fast of fish sticks and sour cherries i'm watching 'secret garden' about an orphan girl.  she goes from a very dry india 1947 to a very lush wet england.  

i just realized my parents behaviors never changed before and after diabetes diagnosis.  they didn't present symptoms until later.  same unpleasant people.  less about diet and more about attitude of living.

licking my wounds staying in bed.  drinking instant nestle's chocolate milk that keot me alive when bedridden eaten with black olive bread.  letting go of the past is the hardest job in the world.  way harder than 10 hr pineapple cannery shifts.  feeling the feeling until it shifts and fades.  sour cherries are a natural tranquilizer.  

lovely quiet

i'm listening to healing enjoying the cool quiet.   

time to move.  5:44.  loaded free coffee drink and smoothie redeemed lucky lawrence, cherries $2.99, clearance pork steaks took home.

i have energy.  i've felt exhausted for so long i feel weird.  i've been in shock maybe my entire life.  i don't know.  i only know how i feel today.  

i'm pumped.  back hurting from laundry $3.75  2-3 loads at lucky laundry on winchester instead of 2 tiny loads same price lawrence.  and i finally figured out why i prefer winchester tall ceilings bright lights 2 door cross draft breeze.  lanai style.  i'm wearing my wet bass fishing s/s shirt.  i finally washed it.  

my right instep is on fire.  i'm resting main charging macines.  cody is tending info desk.  i wished him happy donut day he said he can't eat a donut so i suggested 3.  tee hee.  Krispy Kreme free not for me.   

jeopardy toki walked over 2 safeway donuts.  so cute in her hat.  

wow watching 'here today'' billy crystal dementia film

something concerning everyone.  or it should.  a possibility for everyone.  my theory about dementia.  uncle dickie had a year before he died.  he was in 442 world war 2.  he saw a lot of his friends killed in italy.  he had a lot i'm sure he wanted to forget.  dementia does that.

doing what i want when i want is the best.  did my banking, library, excellent.  dropped off bart pay.