feeling rich

i have $30 left on card.  $125 will load new year.  i still want to look walmart.  went 8 am thinking the pharmacy opens 9 not 10.  finally 9:30 i tried service desk to buy 3 biotin and worked.  i walked everywhere.  stopped walked homestead safeway.  steady rain went gym swam.  just like hawaiian winter 60 degrees.  parked in back so busy.  hungry went b king whopper jr and fries.  christmas chocolate candy dessert.  delicious.  finally remembered to cook chops.  added potatoes celery carrots.  senior center carrots are terrible tortured.  actually delicious cooked like pot roast.   

1:30 slept almost 3 hours exhausted and sugar coma.  and i'm very pleased with my day.

7 am cost co gas 10 min and way cheaper

then free ginger tonic lucky's 4 sanitizers .49 rang up $2.  shelf tag numbers matched 3 boxes i took tag to front tag price and exercise gym.  an hour early i went laundry dry and match socks.  lunch good company long table again.  no mention not savings seats flyers gone.  gave sanitizers inge gerda art marik kept carabiners.  weird chicken lunch.  no where to go libraries closed but safeway sushi free water.   

i can't believe how much i've been doing

my back is terribly painful and i'm doing so much.  nerves are all coming alive.  gym, seniors joanie gave me boots.  she had the nerve to ask about all the free stuff.  i give away what doesn't belong to me.  each round table had flyer saying forbidden to save seating.  we added 2 places.

went cost co noon and 4 pm after sunny too crowded.  i've driven 200+ 3 weeks.  3 free meals library extra one delicious 2 weird.  

watching doc martin in reverse

so much better in reverse.  starting with season 9 going backward watching the special features is more relaxing.  like visiting pleasant family.  no uncomfortable surprises.  

free safeway drink motivation to get moving.  swam back hurting new spots.  college no drinks changed to homestead and found halloween green peep frank n stein 37 cents and cute skeleton head 2 dollar.  stopped sprouts to sunny library 99 cent creamer, rocks $4.50.  

puzzled tried to order otc vitamins half hour.  home dinner then called waited on hold hour persia 7 minutes filled due 12/31.  $32 left.  maybe in store i have 3 days still. 

steady rain all night

very noisy.  i relaxed went gym 8:30 taking my time still raining.  surprising full parking.  i swam went to dollar tree for multi completely out.  none.  seniors i got extra veg chili i gave to homeless 'eric' sitting front door.  added corn bread square to dinner.  cooked more potato carrot celery added last of chicken.  toasted last garlic bread for dessert so good.  life except for my body deteriorating is good.

better today 24 hour bed rest

i stayed in bed nothing on tv.  unlike 2001 i feel ok and have cooked food.  i stopped everything when eric died.  he was me i could observe and pray for a better life.  when he died my hope for a heaven on earth was set back.  evaporated.  eric died his father's death.   

b'fast was cooked veg chick garlic toast.  lunch i added lemon cake.  feeling guilty.  like life is too good.  i got used to giving away the best from mom always taking everything i loved to give to my sisters or to throw away.  why i don't know.  i made myself crazy trying to think insanely.  ouch.  and they threw me away too.  took 3 pieces of lemon cake to unlock that nugget.  make that particular truth palatable.

awake 12 happy b'day jesus

i'm feeling such excitement.   i've never been this free unencumbered.  i never got presents.  i got socks underwear and always new toothbrush and nightie for new year's i couldn't use 'til then.  i'd watch my sisters unwrap their gifts of new clothes toys in addition to their yearly required sensible things wrapped as presents.  that's when i went numb.  it hurt too much.  at 8 i thought i was cinderella.  i couldn't be part of this family.  dressed in hand me downs i was the outcast, the servant, scapegoat blamed for every family misfortune and misery constantly striving to do better be better.  no wonder i feel so exhausted.  it's a miracle i didn't end up crazy.  maybe i did and don't know it.    on the one hand powerful and impotent on the other.  

3:30 cooked cauliflower finished senior mash with chick watching doc martin marathon.  eric death left me devastated.  i stopped everything barely surviving.  

i choose love

louise hay, course in miracles.

best eve ever!!  swam gym, puzzled main.  home i checked lucky's free tea 64 oz.  considered decided to get butter too.  pork chops clearance 3/$3.  

discovered pluto tv.  free but full of commercials.  

taika waititi

amazing imagination.  i'm enjoying thor love and thunder.  watched it 3 times so far.  i choose love.  COURSE IN MIRACLES.  all the violence seeking to force love.

10:53 seniors.  after gym i went back home i forgot purse remembered and packed x mas goodies.  shared sweet chex mix with inge, bev, marik, smelly larry, stranger.  main puzzle 'til closed 2 open tomorrow.  i went with spirit giving.  too many people static.  they brought in extra servers probably to feed them.

puzzled at main library 'til close at 2.  open tomorrow 10.  tired.  diane total energy vampire.

baked chicken

keeping it in cold room 'til i can bone and make soup.  loaded free lucky's tonic water.  9 am lots of gym parking seems people already leaving vacation travel.  cody taking family to joshua tree next week city closed.  lunch county still open.  tygj.  so hill and heather pissed.  today no scolding 12:15 about closing lots stayed for left overs.  none.  den couldn't walk i suggested office chair i used for dad indoors.  no thanks.  oh, well keeps them stupid.  gratitude opens the heart and mind.

putting my legs up such a huge difference.  kids are howling in anticipation of tonight's rain.  watched bad mom dragging kids not what they want all about her.  that's where bullies come from.  not having a mother only a bigger selfish self centered child.  probably the solution is license.  you have to know how to drive and have a license take a test but any idiot can have kids.  no wonder so many social problems.

what a wonderful day.  celebrity wheel tonight i hope i can stay awake.  i'm full of roasted chicken.  i boned it and ate to my stomach's content.  

i think i'm ok

we'll see.  i accomplished so much yesterday like vibrant healthy me.  i think it was wearing the brace keeping everything aligned.  admitting my human limitations.  accepting.

i'm not ok.  found box front porch from alien from cousin carol in HI.  i'm freaking out.  what do the evil sisters want.   

nora monaco

1985 morgan hill.  she was in women's group i was invited to join.  she told me i carried everyone's guilt.  as i release guilt my life is abundant.  the family criticized ridiculed harassed me.  i had no right to live.  

picked up bio steel drink lucky's re parked swam hour.  safeway clearance 2 hula hoops fudge cookies.  went st just picked up pantry and clothes.  lemon streusel bundt cake delicious and almond bear claw in toaster woo hoo.  senior lunch good chicken mole too excited to eat.  2 hours puzzling main remembered last day safeway veg.  i'm using gift cards.  

kept on brace put 3 bags away heated lunch made wiener toasted bun.  i'm feeling so blessed.  i'm taking care of me.

guilt

started out great day.  freebie 12 days of x mas bean dip 16 oz big one.  showered swam 84 degrees hot tub 104.  mailed cards.  stopped safeway clearance so happy 3 halloween spiders $4 batteries included.  main puzzled hour lunch seniors then back to main.  i thought i broke the chrome.  it fell out of the car scraped underground parking at main.  music stopped then worked.  i puzzled 'til 2 then underground parking stopped working again.  

i came home feeling like a huge loser throwback family criticizing.  got out old chrome to check availability of library chrome and it was the hot spot malfunctioning.  reset started working again.  zero charge on my chrome battery didn't register.  it was a regular chrome crash i interpreted as punishment for being too happy.  still past stuff to weed out.  wore brace all day babying myself.  

free dairy

2 liquid yogurt safeway.  maria was out gym 2 out expecting product i hot tubed took my time checked back got both.  too early library i remembered i needed water soft cleaner home depot.  looked computer went out of stock clerk suggested santa clara.  i asked about delivery she said 2 hours pick up.  i wanted to prepay.  i decided lunch panera sandwich and bacon quiche.  then picked up free lucky's french bread mathilda.  perfect time library.  2 puzzles in an hour.  on to laffayette home depot.  home sliced bread ate delicious fresh baked hummus.  finished sandwich.  

great day!!

hostile environment

the worse the situation the faster the results IF the same intensity is focused on change.  complaining only reinforces the terrible situation.  

i went to gym lucky no freebie wash soap only complaints like it came out of employee pockets.  so i left re parked my car showered at 24 flirted w/alex cutie.  b'king chick fingers fries.  then to main 12:30 puzzle and st just 1 bag $20 gift cards.  

i get to mourn my imaginary family

real losses of some horrible people.  fictional people have what i need to restore my soul.  i watched east indian funeral 'good karma hospital' father died daughter spent last time releasing letting go.  cathartic for me.  my dad died a baby never my father.

diane lunch late pissed when i saw her main.  she gave up seat so ron late sat.  heather has it in for crippled parkinson loves to push his buttons.  he gets so mad.  wet hen.  i started new puzzle half hour.

my ribs are sore.  turned my life over went to safeway for soup 4/$5.  finally took back wrong p'nuts made $4 on purchase unsalted.  found out less than dollar on gift card =zero.

lovely quiet evening watching 'lopez' and 'young rock'.  

i love leftovers

chicken spinach feta dip rice pasta so good.   

organizing my life.  occurred to me to ready st just letter pick up don't know where it is.  looked through car and roll y.  good clear out.  

no new puzzle main i'm resting.  excellent or i'd overdo.  i swam and jet massaged tub after cody bookmobile.  much wiser too cold to go out wet.

i'm feeling restless hurry up and be rested already.  i used dr christiane northrup advice re missing letter.  came home checked everywhere found it.  

tyg pain free miracle

if i only knew how i'd do it everyday 24/7.  savory cereal oatmeal choc ginger chicken feta dip delicious b'fast.  i love mixing matching dishes.

seniors paid utilities 2 days late didn't put on calendar.  done and done.  spent half hour listening to healing accounting bills.  so pleasant.  car warming up 43 degrees 9 am.  sitting in the sun shades up. 

lunch so good women's club turkey dinner delicious stuffing salad mix veg cranberry orange cooked from scratch.  pumpkin bite.  could taste pumpkin.  so nice alex, toke, ron, joanie.  she makes me laugh.  she lied it took them so long to serve lunch she got ron extra pie.  tiny one inch square delicious.   

went college safeway asked wed free snacks loaded on acct almond hummus corn chips.  on to main finished puzzle pieces missing computed rested back.  went car put away back filled water.  considered dollar tree remembered chicken.  home 4:30 made rice pasta found cooked spinach added feta dip delicious plenty for 2 meals b'fast.  

9 pm ready for rest.

i can do what i want

woke and was hungry ate 2 snacks.  watching 'kim's'.  i just realized my movie family is the big family i always wanted.  loving inclusive.  and i picked up 'good karma hospital'.  i have huge tv family for holidays.  loving supportive family.  considering mom dad sisters condemning critical soul killing what i have now is so much better.  and not due 'til 1/3/23.

mitt sent xmas card after all this time and all the cards i sent xmas and b'day for years with no response.  she must have noticed gardener and wants help alien.  

real i d extended to 2025.  maybe required do away completely.  

6:30 freezing 37 degrees out.  

lunch lovely toke, alex, diane.  last day panera b'day and nob hill sale.  hmm....how much do i want it?  

just saw cute alex from 24 studying.  i decided on sc pan just blue muff.  drove home continued to under parking nob had my favorite soup and peas $2.48 less than safeway.  done and done.  5 pm.

astonishing

amazing.  my back and body feel fine.  8:30 i drove to cost co just in case.  traffic light i filled tank 10 minutes done.  $3.99/g.  seniors good parking i organized car.  showered stretched puzzled.  lovely lunch with toke alex ron joanie.  decided to go cole man cost co.  getting into lot a challenge.  walked around looking for garlic herb almonds couldn't find.  found coconut dark choc almonds.  cut line by accident.  checkout offered to ring up hot dog i did it walked over to food 2 lines one payment kiosk and pick up.  6 feet between i stepped behind woman.  man came up behind me saying he was in line yeah right.  maybe he was but 6 feet behind i avoided the kiosk line.  i picked up my hot dog and soda.  drove around back easy.  on to sunny vale library to pick up movie pop up sale i bought 2.  saw online postcard reply in mail to jury duty.  dismissed for 12 months.  home 4:30 i ate hot dog.  almonds dark choc not good.  like mini almond joy.  not quite.  too bad.  

8:30 i'd like another hot dog.  nothing i want to watch.  bed and movies.

feeling horrible

i want more heaven.  as all the chemical memories leave my body the process feels painful.  i have to relax and minimize the damage.  feels like 2001 when mom died i ripped up my back my sisters attacking abusing me like always.  doing what mom and dad taught them.  i can distract myself from the worst of it with tv and subliminal music.  

9 am my back continues to protest.  could be the constant rain.  atmospheric pressure.  turmeric, kava, p flower.  

fell asleep pain exhausted dreamed of tobacco balls.  i don't know.  part of the pain resonance is nicotine leaving cell storage.  excruciating waves started after i had tiny bit of gum with sugar free 2 ?? weeks ago.  

2 pm i put on brace and put out recycle and garbage bins.  i've been doing too much without it.  i've been trying to resolve dad making everything harder on himself and everyone around him.  i don't understand.  

it's weird there's nothing of interest to me on tv.  found romance marathon 5 pm.  i never was interested now i'm studying what i want.  family always pooh poohed my life.  now i can do what i want.  called cathy to acknowledge receipt of her beautiful card.  

miracle i'm still alive

the body can endure miraculous pain.  and i'm still here.  i cooked chicken with curry orange zest and pulp.  tastes healthy minimalist.  used juice to cook rice added slivered almonds.  stomach cramping i think curry.  feels like 2001 when everything i ate felt like broken glass and i lived on vicodin.  i'm not hungry took my supplements so i must eat.  if i knew what causes i'd avoid. 

considering st just or main or sunnyvale book sale.  or just resting.  determining what my soul and body desire.  yay! me!  i am truly blessed with ability and freedom.  if only this debilitating pain would go.  exhausting trying to run away from pain.  that's games and puzzles feeling ok.

pain getting worse i have liquid willow from sprouts helping most took 2 kava 1 p flower.  pain subsiding.  i can rest.  spasms comes in waves one second fine then excruciating.  no more solid food for awhile.  just grapefruit candy.  muscles feel bruised ripped torn.

3 pm feeling better spasms less made soup from senior lunch salad rice and potatoes.  maybe if i cook it enough it will digest.  back on the spiral.  feeling sneezy.  cold steady rainy damp day.  good day to stay in bed.  i'm so hungry yet afraid of cramping.  i just realized it's the same reaction as my raw onion allergy.  i never eat raw onions so i didn't put it together before.  

my stomach feels like i've been kicked in the gut.

better

i feel like a miracle.  since 2 am when i finally felt warm the pain is gone.  woke 8 late.  lunch lovely everyone present toke brought me b'day sushi.  brenda gave me sweet cookie i gave to albert.  stomach neck shoulders stiff sore.  nothing to compare to last night,

'kim' 2 and 5 at main puzzled and picked up.  

hurrah! cody

he brought my combo and heather told me everything due to jan 3.  so my holiday covered.  no charge always says hour even when hour half.  i like NOT feeling obligated to compute.

lunch lovely diana didn't want persimmons toke brought gave to brenda so happy.  

i don't feel like puzzles.  it's freezing cold.  my back is screaming pain like 1972 when i fell.  it was exactly the same.  i slipped on ice.  

the young asian tech jiggled the combo and it started working.  maybe it was the low 23% battery.  i couldn't get it to work.  it suddenly reset.  maybe my static electricity.

my back and stomach screaming just like 1972 i took 2 kava willow turmeric.  neck feels like a block of granite.  playing takes my attention from constant pain.  

best b'day yet

brenda bought 2 plain old fashioned donuts decided she didn't want them no sugar glaze offered them to me i asked how she knew my favorite.  she wanted a taste of persimmon i was going to take home and cut up i gave her 4 instead.  2 birds.  our souls inexplicably connected.  

i remembered after lunch i wanted to ask toke if she received ads.  diane was quick off the mark trying to get my ads.  i almost forgot chrome on chair in gym remembered at car went back.  she's sly.  remembered checked safeway wednesday freebie loaded college in out pick up.  thy.  

came main puzzled 'til 3:30 suddenly remembered wheel.  too late regular entered celebrity.  what fun.  i finally added gift cards to shopping cuff.  sitting by puzzle window hassock taken.  puzzles area have 4.  i feel like a queen sitting here amid people.  watching to my heart's content.  

home 6 pm made frozen meatloaf and bratwurst on bun.  both donuts for dessert.  HEAVEN.

lovely

brenda gave me birthday bananas and shared her brie b'fast i encouraged her to connect with kkup.  

most remarkable i found perfect diameter water bottle fits leaky favorite.  i love finding perfect for me.  i saved lunch served last 12:15.  i drove to good will senior day and birth but closed for remodel reopen next year.  eh i'll get eggs

main library i parked under lot airing swim suit towel.  puzzled and 2:30 resting from my toils.  toke thinks i'm smart.  she thinks i'm humble.  hah!!  if i were smart i'd be much better off.  i'm smart in figuring things out.  i can take extraneous information and reconfigure for a correct solution.  but yesterday when she mentioned getting dmv license renewal i didn't pick up on computer tutoring for practice.  rectified today.  and i'm rewarding myself with healing music.  

read 12/12 interview matt mc people mag and cried.  uvalde massacre 5/24 too many innocents dying from semi auto weapons.  ridiculous people have them.  we're not ukraine, yet.

resting main

paul gallico prolific creative writer.  i must research.  

24 wifi

maybe it's relative.  i think the world is messed up and bringing kids into it is child abuse because of my family.  most people only relate to their devices.  i see them walking sitting engrossed in their phones ignoring people around them like me with chrome but i look up observe.   sunny library has movie.  picked up b king chick fingers and fries.  checked citibank payment went through.  hurrah!!  finally.  driving to library check engine light went out.  beautiful day.  i puzzled and charged chrome borrowed mrs 'arris goes to paris  readers digest condensed book when i was kid.   

  

another rainy day check engine

gym 8:30 perfect.  light rain.  chase second half withdrawal i considered deposit mission decided monday.  10 am parked under main library garage opened windows to evaporate.  played puzzle finished and reclined with chrome 'til 2.  home i ate senior lunch leftovers and cooked brown rice and chick spring roll for dessert.

i watched Brian Wilson genius tribulations while i was dealing with betrayal and family tradition.  i realize everybody thinks the world stinks and ignores it focusing on personal pleasure.  i was trying to survive maybe everybody is just barely hanging on.  

the black sun spot on my left hand became a psoriatic hive and is fading.  and my arthritis is better in my left hand, i don't wake up crippled.  and my right thumb neuropathy is better too since hives.  i'm feeling lonely for the first in my life.  tormentors are gone.  

gym wifi only load pick up fri freebie

lucky's free crackers.  seniors i showered and played puzzle.  i wasn't hungry lunch ok with toke alex.  ron came late looking for someone to take care of him.  it ain't me babe.  joanie didn't show.  i decided to puzzle more since main only open 'til 2.  

as i was leaving i remembered i wanted free water sushi went college safeway.  and i remembered to deposit mission credit union.  home 3:30 i finally ate lunch.  i just wasn't hungry i think nicotine toxin release.  i considered main combo ready and felt resistance to pick up.  asking myself if i wait 'til 9th i'll have over xmas.  

i was worried psoriatic i'm nicotine detoxing this year after 2 years nicotine gum.  i coughed for 6 hours last night too tired to get up,

bartolo 2864

dropped off payment.  he was over at least twice yesterday left kaki on porch full of ants.  called 8:16 so i went. he says i've paid him 7 when at least 8 hours.  $70/mo =2 hours.

my bag in locker still wore new pants rainy.  light mist until 10.

seniors no toke alex diane.  fish vera cruz good.  on to main library new puzzle rest and relax listening to healing.  rain paused 4 pm as predicted 5 pm i'm done for today.  thank g j.