living in love

fixing the gutter from guilt or shame defeats the work.  and i learned from the family only guilt and shame.  no wonder their unhappiness in never enjoying the doing.  separate from them i took pleasure in feeling accomplished, strong and capable.  they ostracized me.  nothing i could do about their rejection.  in their backward way they saved me.  i had to do and learn on my own without their influence.  

doing, creating, making from love energy rebounds in feeling satisfaction nurturing oneself.  newton's equal opposite action reaction.  

seniors loaded freebies and went to prune ridge lucky's.  talked to Cathy got rain check.  no sanitizers college homestead safe way bought 12 soup.  

right side of skull hurting probably 2014 whiplash contra coup fall when my right leg collapsed and i hit the ground i.e. concrete porch apron.  glad it wasn't raining i lay there 10 minutes wondering if i should call 911 but gathering strength i picked myself up.  kaiser gave me a cane.  

sat Oct 30-woke 5 took my time.  rain gutter still preying on my mind.  i have to ignore it.  it's just stuff.  i decided to look for free safe way sanitizer.  none college and homestead.  tried maria and gym 2.  soaked 20 min dressed slowly clipped nails.  went back to safe way to use remodeled bath room waited in line.  i said to woman behind me if everyone got vaccinated we wouldn't need masks or lines.  she said the vaccine is an excuse to microchip everyone.  i told her it would cost trillions.  she said the pandemic was made in a lab.  crazy.  i ignored her.  

i debated sv or cup library went to cup safe way no freebie but clearance wipes dollar 40.  sitting in car i decided to mail insurance enough for one day.  home to watch 'medium' not my favorite episode i ate soup for lunch and last toke roll.  

remembered back seminar 2nd called rsvp and toke thanks for lead and rolls from cost co just right amount butter.  talked 39 min.  

i'm successfully consciously dealing with obsessive compulsive.  

sun Oct 31-forgot it was Halloween.  cut some tree at 9 am using pruner and stick saw i taped together.  too hot and sunny.  picked up fruit.  if i work in 10 min bits and rest i think i can do it.  i do love doing.  makes me feel strong.  i don't understand people who just talk.  

didn't want to drive wanted to soak in hot tub.  drove to lucky's expressway tons of teddy's ginger ale, clearance pork bits, 2 almonds 3x points.  and i'm done.

watching celebrity wheel makes me laugh happy!

SHAME

the last piece of the puzzle?  i hope and pray.  i know mom was always ashamed of her mom.  divorced to emigrate, starting over in a new world.  how brave is that.  mom saw it as shameful.  mom loved diminishing me by recounting stories of me as a baby.  how i disliked putting my dirty diapers in the bin, she said i was retarded walking and talking late.  everyone carried me.  i had aunts, uncles, cousins waiting on me.  they loved me.  she constantly emphasized being retarded and her amazement when i tested gifted in school.  and i was punished for good grades.  my sisters were lauded.                                                      this year with soc sec i won't qualify for fcc program stipend.  tygj.  i still want to get a therapist.  i need a sounding board.                                                                                    shame is in my stomach.  now i understand why sometimes my stomach muscles spasm.  vibrating like butterflies beating their wings.  i've never felt the diminishing so clearly before.  back to toddler me.     

  

 

i've had my shower

remembering when i first came seniors 2009?  i could barely move.  just changing clothes was all i could manage.  i'd do a little and rest all the time hearing the family in my head browbeating me.

i've been a tortured soul.  it amuses the family still.  i exercised stretched picked up lunch.  Cathy sent more fcc internet info.  

i feel terrified.  i've never felt this before thru my very bones.  i just want to jump out of my skin.  i want my distractions to take me away.  getting to the cellular level.

i went to credit union Phebe talked me through it.  she called ira dept.  suggested liquid money market.  i can rollover later.  minimum withdrawal extended to next year.

scary stuff

forgot to open page and went back.  took over an hour slow check in.  i had to get vax card from car good i kept it there.  and then she had me wait more before she gave me standard form to check and sign.  silly little girl.  Robert from Trader Joe got there hour early signed in and waited an hour too.  

Lydia finally gave me booster and was going to dismiss me.  i scheduled flu and she checked then gave me in other arm.  i get manic after shot.  adrenaline rush.  

i returned to seniors to reopen page.  

2 months 'til xmas

whenever fear or anxiety present i'm doing my affirmations.  i can't believe how easy it is to change my chemistry by changing my thoughts.  watching 'mom' nothing changes if nothing changes so i'm changing my response to feeling stressed.  i'm using my energy differently.  i'm using it to raise my vibrations thereby the planet.  

somehow i manage to shrink my pages into the chrome icon.  

after picking up lunch and talking to toke i sat, listened to you tube and found my ira letter and found the Walgreen's phone number online.  i called and booked vaccine for tomorrow 12:40.  then i went to credit union to book an appointment for 27th.  i mistakenly thought it matured 17th.  

Cathy d sent the fcc internet papers and toke gave me postcard for pain management.

right hip so pain filled

nausea makes me feel tired and sad.  

i took my time driving to seniors.  very wet and rainy today.  more worries gutters a mess, yard.  oh, well.  today daily word 'let go, let god'.  i'm doing what i can.  showered exercised stretched hip feels better.  ate citrus drops all day for nausea like 1972.  such a disappointing time in my life.  first year of a nightmare marriage i felt trapped.  commitment manic.  i guess i couldn't admit it was a horrible mistake and in my arrogance i thought i could fix it.  so i wasted 13 years of my life.    well, not wasted.  i researched relationships the most enlightening Harville Hendrix and Gay and Kaitlyn Hendricks marriage counselors.  i must have read a thousand books.  at least.  

5:45 toke knocked on the front door left sushi.  i was wondering what to have for dinner.  i watched the ads on tv hamburgers, chicken, i didn't want to drive.  i had nuked a cup of brown rice and she provided dinner.  i waited to call and she called me.  i thanked her and shared that her concern for her aunt with dementia was slowly getting ready to pass over.  i said toke didn't talk to her deceased parents and she agreed.  i told her physics states energy is never lost only changes form.  that our life energy is a form of electrical energy readable by machines and when we pass we become pure energy vibrating at a higher immeasurable rate.  they can lower their vibrations to appear in our dreams.  i shared the dream i drove mom and dad in a car around the islands.  that's why we dream.  we visit the other side.  toke's aunt has been talking with toke's deceased dad, her brother.   tokes concerned it's dementia.  i shared Evelyn and George Gerraci his year of dementia after a long successful loving marriage and how 2 successive nights he woke her at 3 am talking to deceased relatives before he passed the 3rd night.  loving relations come to help cross over.

sat 10/23-i'm taking gentle care of myself.  i woke 3:30 knowing and waiting for an epiphany.  that's the epiphany.  i'm learning to be gentle with myself.  and  i can forgive my family for living in denial.  it hurts to watch them hurting themselves thinking they're ok and i'm not.  as long as i hold that thought i hurt myself.

sun 24-my skull and right neck so tight and sore i'm nauseous.  i'm taking willow.  right eye socket so sore and blurring.  massaging base of skull and right temple helps for awhile and then it's back.   the pinch travels.  

3 pm a break in the rain i put out garbage and recycle.  i picked up fruit put in shower to dry.  the leaf stuffed gutter is pulling away from garage roof and i can rejoice.  there's always going to be something and this is minor.  wow new response.  i'm rereading 2017 edition 'you can heal your life'.  good stuff.  affirmations raise my energy and therefor the energy of the planet.  my passion purpose is to leave the world a better place than when i came here.

i want to live my best life

daily word 'dream'.  i don't know 'wheel' is malfunctioning.  page won't refresh.  refrigerator on its last legs.  

i'm having physical, psychic, mental and emotional flashbacks as infant and toddler.  mom slapping, hitting me.  alien sticking me with pins, burning me with matches.  mom burning  traumatizing me.  

i definitely want a heavenly life.

nausea

i've been to $tore for vitamin c and mastic.  can't find the little one with cap.  found 3 movies.  

my body feels so tired.  i showered exercised computed and picked up lunch.  toke is socializing me.  i visited gang with her.  

came home noon intent on quality rest.  watched 'mom' and slept 2 hours.  i feel more peaceful.  or maybe exhausted.

nausea was one of the first symptoms 1972 along with foot pain and migraines.  

caught up in the drama i forgot to reopen page

yesterday i went to college safe way for 99 cent soup 8, bread 3.99, 4 cheese 1.99, free pizza.  

healing takes a lot of energy.  it's taken 20 years to remodel 50 years of scar tissue.  my bunion on left foot is healed.  my right is getting there.  the pain, tingling, throbbing is improving.  as muscles relax and heal old memories are released.  

my pelvis must have shattered muscles holding everything in place building scar tissue to reinforce area.  so now the scar tissue has to break down to repair and rebuild the area correctly.  

went seniors early

computed at fireplace desk waiting for locker room to clear.  9 am showered exercised charged and listened to chrome.  too slow, i went upstairs to use city computer.  loaded free seltzer water lucky's and free pizza safe way.  picked up lunch 11:30 talked to toke gave her my copy auntie's la ronde restaurant article from Hawaii.  she gave me fence replace lead.  i don't know if i want a fence unless it's cyclone i've always wanted.

i went to safe way bought 2 clearance shrimp zucchini noodle salads twice the price i expected wrong price tag and 6 oz rice crackers.  considered returning but i'm worth it.  drove to Sara- lucky's walked store only seltzer.  talked to self check clerk Cathy.  

i remembered i wanted to pay consumer cellular due tomorrow and drove to st just, no internet  reception.  no parking front main drove around to back paid bill and home.  1 pm ate lunch and second half b'fast sandwich egg jerky avocado and 5 oz rice crackers.  i put salad garlic butters (4) in cup for toast later.  

Saturday woke coughing runny nose with bug from Thursday gym-1 hot tub coughing man didn't cover his mouth.  i thought the chlorine would take care of it but no.  vitamin c all day i felt a little better.  b-fast i made egg avocado jerky sandwich ate half.  very filling.  

picking up fruit 9 am i found toke left p b cookies, pomegranate and returned restaurant article.  i cooked salads using half can of sauce for lunch and dinner.  4 pieces toast.  i made small shell pasta, 2 tuna, the second half tomato sauce and 4 oz sour cream for tomorrow.  

Sunday 4:30 am so pain filled.  woke feeling familiar childhood sadness anxiety.  reminiscing does that.  opening memories.  i still feel lethargic and recovering from bug.  still taking vitamin c.  b'fast i ate half pasta in lettuce wraps.  i don't like cooking especially b'fast.  lunch i had second half pasta with sour cream toast.  i'm eating what i have.  drinking my stockpile.  dinner i tried chunky chicken noodle soup.  not good.  i've never liked cooking starting at 8 yrs old never appreciated and being punished for screwing up.  

12:30 Cathy de Medio called from Hawaii to thank me for Halloween card and stickers.  so i know auntie got hers.  we had a lovely conversation catching up.  i envy her in senior housing.  no upkeep worries and surrounded by others in same boat.  telling her of weed abatement and broken water softener i forgot about the fence blowing down.  so much bad news.  too much.

at least tonight i have celebrity wheel of fortune.  puzzle #2-pumping iron at muscle beach.  strange phrase.  watching 'the far frontier' Roy Rogers channel 44.5 8-9:30.  exciting never seen before.  and 'f troop'.  

change of seasons

i made a great day and don't feel happy.  i followed my feelings.  a luxury ii wasn't allowed.  my feelings were suppressed repressed compressed.  seniors at 9 showered exercised computed.  in locker room good internet reception.  picked up lunch saw toke.  returned bookmobile city movies, picked up 'purple rain' decided i'd watch 'tho i don't like prince.  drove cup remembered pay utilities due.  ate a little mediocre lunch.

then occurred to me sunny vale hot tub.  so i went g-1 alien type woman told me to shower after i had  showered and washed hair i told her i did and ignored her.  soaked 20 minutes then home in time for 'love boat'.  finished my lunch.  

seems i should feel happy.  maybe i'm just tired.  i feel weird.  new feeling.

i get it.  i understand people trying to tell me what to do to make themselves feel important.  i don't have to listen to anyone anymore.  i don't have to hear them.   

pain and exhaustion

my back must be repairing itself.  i feel so tired.  i have to stretch every 6 hours from the pain.  50 years of scar tissue to remodel.  

i'm exhausted depressed-fence fell down high winds yesterday

yesterday noon i went out to pick up avocados and the fence had blown down covering the sidewalk.  i stressed.  i tried to lift it but couldn't like when mom died.  city was closed indigenous day so i tried fireman Jason.  he's been promoted to captain i talked to Nick.  he said he'd call around to find out what to do.  he called me back.  closest station closed so he arranged survey 2:30-3 drive by.  all i was concerned was clearing sidewalk.  Nick came 3:30 called for another engine.  we waited.  he's living next door to his parents in Saratoga with his daughter after his divorce.  3 guys 1 woman picked up put in yard stayed talking half hour gave them avocados guava.

so today i'm still processing.  the emotional component is the worst.  this house is all them.  every time something goes wrong with the house it's like they've died again.  

i'm clearing the energy for the next family.  it's what i do.

i let go and let god move through me.  i was in so much pain i couldn't stand it.  i didn't want to move.  i made my mind blank and relaxed.  i dressed went to seniors thinking i needed nicotine gum soon.  showered exercised computed late.  picked up lunch toke was later.  gave her avocados.  i used safe way expiring just 4 u coupons 5 Campbell soups, stag chili, 98 cent lettuce for $3.58.  feeling successful i went to Walmart paid pge bought gum.

home 1:30 i wasn't hungry but at gristly sweet sour pork before i had shakes like yesterday from stress low blood sugar.  4 pm i fell asleep for an hour.  staying on schedule i watched tv.   

coverage america can count on t-mobile wheel of fortune puzzle.

took yesterday off

i choose not to game today.  and who knows what i'll do tomorrow.  i went to gym-2 soaked and stretched in tub cooled in pool 10-11.  i went to sunny vale library to compute.  they may be open tomorrow.  no county.  stayed 'til 12:30 then home.

i put out garbage bin without back brace.  big mistake.  my back and stomach are messed up.  i feel depressed that my back will not heal.

Misty has become mom and Aileen is dad so they will never love me.  

celebrity wof-thousands and thousands of selfies, jumping jack Nicholson.  Jeff Garlinson is so funny.  

7:27 Jennifer Kline- 2 penny day

reminds me of mary-el treatments i received.  seniors i loaded lucky's free meatless 5 oz burrito.  

good lunch today.  turkey meatballs noodles peas vegs.  i used ranch dressing on peas so good.  found penny.  drove to Saratoga remembered i needed to pay Citibank.  atm wouldn't take $40 only $38 so i talked to manager no change without debit card even though Costco card has my picture.  she suggested i go to lucky's for change.  crazy.  found another penny.  i went to lucky's and talked to Cathy and she agreed with me.  she suggested i cancel the card but i need it for Costco.  home 12:30.  

i called toke thanked her for cherry pie and asked about her tax problems, she wants a new cpa.  i went through my papers for Rhonda Richards, Dunham & Watkins from 2002 and read through them again.  Alien claimed mom wrote checks two weeks after mom died.  does Alien believe her own lies?  scary.  i'm feeling upset.  Alien had Tom Ruschin declare Alien special executor.  so she could keep most the money and why Misty is taking her side, because of the money over $600,000.  Alien mailed copies of her kids taxes returns to me with a note end of march for two week notice of what she was reporting i was getting from the estate.  what a mess.  so even though i didn't have the cash i had to pay taxes, interest and penalties.  

i read through Susan Kanclier, Shawn Parr & associates paper work too.  harassment dragged on 'til 2008.  

found 4 quarters

in the change machine.  i got to seniors 8 am sorted my bills.  so far so good.  i showered exercised stretched 'til 9:30.  went up to charge and compute.  11 i picked up lunch went to put things in car and remembered book mobile.  then since it was cool 66 o i decided to go cost co gas and redeem rebate.  crowded so i looked for almonds.  sliced $3.336/lb way cheaper.  sat in car organizing change from rebate check 'til lunch gas fill up traffic less.  2 minute wait listening to relaxation c d.  caught traffic lights perfectly home by noon.  

left side of my face healing from right brain 1972 stroke.  

2 pm feeling sleepy

i slept in 'til 7.  i kept waking up all night so i woke tired.  nuked jerky omelet.  got to seniors 9 showered exercised stretched.  i parked further down.  i gave Inge the oreos and choc milk.  i decided i would give myself the pleasure of celebrating misty's b'day today.  one of the many things i've mourned.  i was the only one who bought everyone a cake or pie for birthdays.  guava cakes from Aki's for mom and custard pie from nations' for dad.

went upstairs charged gamed computed.  11:30 picked up lunch Toke came in behind me.  i asked if she wanted more avocados yes and she gave me half cherry pie.  told me peach was from her.  parked 2 spaces away.  she went to exercise.  as i backed out of my parking space man came up and gave me his lunch.  

i suddenly thought i could go to mission c u and completed my banking.  .2 mi.  and home 12:30 i ate both tiny flour lasagna.  his had spinach on top looking pretty weird tasted ok.  i toasted a turnover for dessert.  heaven.

$tore

i bought Halloween cards, amber wash, clearance tall bags and plastic wrap.  seniors #1 parking.  washed hair exercised stretched.  computed.  picked up lunch.  st just pantry pick up and home i gave postman parked in front avocados.  half hour unloading car sorting and putting away.  ate fatty fibrous chicken lunch 12:30. 

my pelvis is so sore i decided to rest.  watched Dr Oz 'Mel Robbins high 5 habit doesn't use words for affirmation uses gesture circumventing conscious mind.  i found spell check on right click.  huh.

wheel of fortune-keeping you connected to your adventure - you have to be kidding.  doesn't make sense.

i prepped the strawberries half sugar half stevia so delicious.  i ate 2/3.  i could have eaten all.

i forgot

i left the chrome charging cord, ear buds at home.   8 am #3 parking space.  showered exercised stretched.   i used center computer for emails games and chrome for specific like wheel.  

i figured out how to adjust when type resets to normal.  i prefer medium size.  i have to check each paragraph.

i was going to st just food pantry.  i forgot closed moon days.  so i went to chase for banking, dropped off weekend fruit, home before noon.  i'm so itchy.  Albert was using leaf blower in parking lot and i was sneezy 'till i showered.  

i like doing what i feel like.  i'm moving past guilt into joy.  

i showered soaked

and i'm at s v library.  gardener showed up with noisy blower and used low setting.  much better.  

i went dollar store found stickers for Halloween.  for auntie and Cathy.  but i bought Thanksgiving cards.  back to the store.  and 25 cent clearance foam soap that is moisturizing.

i'm watching 2014 musical black 'Annie' and i like it.  never wanted to before expecting a re hash and it's great.  

i found the lava bracelet i misplaced by retracing my steps.  

woke 4:30

plastic bottle fell.  watching 'avengers infinity war' i'm struck be how boring fight scenes are.  i'm glad i'm watching at home and can speed through.  i've been watching and wondering how this serves kids' development.  i wanted to see the Groot scene from the trailers.  he makes me laugh.  i love to laugh.  two men walk into a bar, the third one ducks.  

i made my own energy breakfast with p'nut butter, sliced almonds, dried cranberries, sesame seeds.  lunch was hummus avocado on whole grain.  

i don't like talking.  man yesterday highlighted that fact.  most talking is a waste of energy and air.  like when women in the locker room see me putting on my back brace and ask if it helps.  i don't wear them under my clothes as a fashion statement.  i have to tell them i couldn't drive without it.  driving one foot throws my back out otherwise.  

back at seniors 12:30

i forgot to open page.  8 am i went to Laff laundry closed, gutted.  too bad school just starting business will be picking up.  i forgot to wear scarf so i looked in car.  time to re organize.  i have hundreds of shopping bags.  i'm missing stuff in house.  pink green swim suit bag and now bed organizer with neck cord magnifier.   oh, well.  sisters.

seniors 2 tables and chairs down stairs for computing charging.  showered, exercised, computed, picked up lunch, finished computing upstairs.  downstairs too slow.  went to p o mailed life and auntie.  went to lucky laundry.  parking in back so convenient but no wireless.  and $3.25 compared to $4.50 three load machine.  i put soap in wrong conditioner cup instead of detergent.  we'll see.  

no online freebies today.

so many fast food choices online.  

when i returned to seniors to use internet 3 Asians talking in their own language were standing in #1 parking space so i waited 'til they moved and parked for an hour.  ate some lunch, computed.  when i was done i backed out and the younger old man stood in the driveway telling me i had to drive all the way around the lot.  then he starts trying to insult me 'don't i understand English' in his broken accented voice.  i told him i've probably been speaking English longer than he.  he said because i'm older i think i can do what i want don't have to follow the 'rules'.  interesting assumption.  i meant English is obviously his second language.   he tells the older old man to go inside and get someone.  declined.  the woman tells me to placate the old baby.  they're obviously used to giving in to baby.  i asked her if they're the parking lot police, no.  he tells me he never argues but...  i asked him what this was then.  i told him he's giving himself high blood pressure.  he says his pressure is 70/100 low blood pressure.  so i pulled back into my space to get them out of the roadway and the man in front of me left so i just followed him out of the lot and came home.  

i unloaded the car 2 pm.  started hanging laundry took half hour.  done and done.