10 years

I SLEPT AT 9, AWOKE 11, 1 AM WATCHED FRESH OFF THE BOAT DVD, SLEPT 'TIL 6.  

I'VE BEEN GOING TO SENIORS 10 YEARS.  I STARTED BY JUST SHOWING UP, WORKING THE PUZZLE TABLE.  I WAS EXHAUSTED GETTING THERE.  THAT WAS MY GOAL.  THEN I STARTED EXERCISING.  JUST CHANGING WAS EXHAUSTING.  

SOMETIMES THERE WERE EXTRA LUNCHES IN THE NUTRITION PROGRAM, OTHER DAYS I BROWN BAGGED.  

I DECIDED MY JOB WAS PRAYING.  I SETTLED AT THE PUZZLE TABLE TO LEAN FORWARD AND FREQUENTLY DECOMPRESS MY BACK.

I GRADUALLY GOT STRONGER AND STARTED WEARING MY BACK BRACE WHILE DRIVING AS WELL AS ANY TASK THAT MIGHT THROW MY BACK OUT.  I INCLUDED PADDLING AROUND THE POOL.  IT'S COOLER TO OFFSET INFLAMMATION.

AND NOW I FEEL LIKE DANCING.

NURTURE

I'M FEELING DISTURBED THAT 3 IDENTICAL STRANGERS DEMONSTRATES THE EVIL IN SUPPOSEDLY CIVILIZED PEOPLE.

THE JEWISH DOCTOR ESCAPES NAZI GERMANY AND DOES HIS OWN EUGENICS EXPERIMENTS.  THE RECORDS ARE SEALED UNTIL 2066.  SO HE KNEW IT WAS EVIL.  WHY WOULD HE DO THAT.  HOW COULD HE BE SO EVIL.

IRONIC.  OR WAS THAT THE FREUDIAN INFLUENCE?  ONE OF THE TRIPLETS SHOOTS HIMSELF.  IT WASN'T THE ONE WHO LEAVES THE TRIAD.

ANOTHER DREAM WOKE ME.  I'M TELLING TOMAS WE WERE NEVER FRIENDS.  WHEN WE WERE DATING ANY TIME HE STARTED SEEING SOMEONE ELSE HE'D DROP ME.  EVERY 6 MONTHS.


I REFUSE TO BE DOOMED BY MY UPBRINGING AND LACK OF NURTURE.  I'M NURTURING THE HELL OUT OF MYSELF.

HAPPY SUNDAY

I MAXED MONOPOLY TICKETS.  I BOUGHT BLUEBERRY MUFFINS, TAPE, M&M PEANUTS.  $UNNYVALE PAPER, BURRITOS, FRITOS, FOUND 37 CENTS.  AT MARIA ALMONDS, SALISBURY STEAK, KRAB SALAD, KRAB CAKES.  AT LUCKY'S SALAD.  I GUESS I LOST THE $1.01 REWARDS I DIDN'T SPEND AT SARATOGA.  GOOD TO KNOW.  I STARTED FEELING DISORIENTED NO SMOKES AND WENT TO WALGREEN'S.

I DECIDED TO RETURN SOMATICS BOOK TO LIBRARY AND CHARGED CHROME AND PHONE.  I GOT HOME 4 PM AND MADE DINNER OF CREAMED PASTA/DICED HAM.  I WATCHED THE ENTIRE OSCARS.  I ATE 2 CUPS OF BAR MIX.  I STARTED TO FEEL FLU AND TOOK VITAMIN C.  ALL BETTER.

BETTER

YESTERDAY I HAD TO TURN IN CHROME TO MISSION SO I REQUESTED ONE FROM CENTRAL.  PICKED IT UP AFTER CAMPBELL, $TORE, SAFEWAY, TD DROPPED OFF $50 GIFT CERTIFICATE, SARATOGA LUCKY'S $20 REWARDS.

THE NEW CHROME IS SMALLER, LIGHTER, CUTER.  THE LARGER ONE WAS HARD ON THE WRISTS.   THIS WILL BE EASIER TO PACK.  HEAVENLY.

I'VE BEEN AWAKE SINCE 2:30 RE-RAISING MY INFANT SELF.  I'M PLAYING WORD FINDER, READING BEN FRANKLIN AUTOBIOGRAPHY, PICADILLY JIM, EATING DINTY MOORE CHICKEN AND DUMPLINGS FOR BREAKFAST.

MY FEET HURT FROM THE BELL PEPPERS IN THE SALAD I ATE YESTERDAY.  I'M STRETCHING MY ACHING LOWER BACK.

6 AM IS MUCH COLDER THAN 2;30.

FRESH OFF THE BOAT LAST NIGHT WAS INTERESTING AND COMPLICATED.  JESSICA WAS SO FOCUSED ON EVAN SUCCEEDING AT EVERYTHING SHE BLAMED AND PUNISHED EDDIE FOR TAKING EVAN TO THE ARCADE AFTER HE WON HIS FENCING MATCH.  EVAN PURPOSELY GETS SUSPENDED TO AVOID A LOSS IN FENCING AND DISAPPOINTING JESSICA.  HER INSISTENCE ON PERFECTION CAUSES A SERIES OF MISUNDERSTANDINGS.  IT'S NICE SEEING A HEALTHY ASIAN FAMILY.

SPOKE TOO SOON.  I LOOKED IT UP IN WIKIPEDIA AND MY GRAVITATION IS THAT EDDIE'S GRANDDAD KILLED HIMSELF TOO.  THEREFOR THE DRIVE FOR EXPRESSION AND FIGURING OUT THIS PUZZLE OF LIFE.  ASIANS HAVE A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE ON SUICIDE. 

THE SYNCHRONICITY IS I PICKED UP SEASON 1 NARRATED BY THE REAL EDDIE HUANG.

THREE IDENTICAL STRANGERS IS A DOCUMENTARY OF TRIPLETS SEPARATED AT BIRTH AND PURPOSELY ADOPTED TO 3 FAMILIES TO TEST NATURE VS NURTURE.  WHEW!  HOW NAZI IS THAT.

DREAM

I VISITED MR. AND MRS. MONACK IN HEAVEN AT 6:30 IN THE MORNING THEIR TIME EAST COAST.  I ENTER HOUSE FROM BACK YARD UNLOCKED GLASS DOOR.  SHE'S STILL HALF ASLEEP, THEY'RE SITTING ON THE COUCH IN THE FAMILY ROOM.  JIM HAS HIS ARM AROUND HER.  I SAY GOOD MORNING AND THEY'RE HAPPY TO SEE ME.  I CHANGE CLOTHES IN THE BATHROOM FROM BIB SHORTS TO LONG LOOSE LIGHTWEIGHT DENIM PANTS.  I LEAVE FROM THE FRONT DOOR DOWN STEPS AND CROSS 4 LANE STREET WAITING FOR LONG CAR TO TURN LEFT.

I'M AWAKE NOW.  I COULDN'T GET RECEPTION LAST NIGHT AND FELL ASLEEP MAYBE 9:30.  CONNECTION IS BEST AT 3.  ALL QUIET.

THE PAST

MY INTERVIEW WITH THE SC PSYCH STUDENT WAS AN HOUR.  HE ASKED QUESTIONS ABOUT MY CHILDHOOD.  LIKE WHAT WAS MY BEST CHILDHOOD MEMORY.  FOR KINDERGARTEN MY RED LEATHER MARY JANES WITH THE TASSELS.  AND ABOUT FRIENDS.  I WASN'T ALLOWED.  AILEEN AND MITZI LIED AND SNEAKED AROUND.  I WASN'T COMFORTABLE WITH THAT.  MOM WAS SURE OUTSIDERS WOULD STEAL.  MY SISTERS WERE THE THIEVES.  IRONIC. 

BACK TO 6

I FEEL SO DIFFERENT.  NOT LIKE MYSELF AT ALL.  CHANGE IS VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.

I'M TRYING TO THINK OF A FRAME FOR THE WEED EATER I COULD USE SO I DON'T HAVE TO CARRY IT.  TOO HARD ON MY BACK, NECK, SHOULDERS.  I DON'T KNOW HOW I MANAGED IN THE PAST.  IT'S KIND OF A MIRACLE I SURVIVED AT ALL.

SOMETHING THAT SUSPENDS IT A CERTAIN DISTANCE FROM THE GROUND.

WHEN I THINK OF CLEANING GUTTERS IN THE POURING RAIN, UP ON LADDERS I CRINGE.  YET I DID IT.  THE DEBRIS WAS WET AND PLIABLE.  IT TOOK ME HOURS MOVING THE LADDER A BIT AT A TIME.

I COULD BARELY MOVE AND SAT AND CUT WEEDS BY HAND.  OF COURSE, I COULDN'T EVEN HOLD A BOOK TO READ, MY HANDS DIDN'T WORK.  I GUESS I WAS BORED LITERALLY OUT OF MY MIND.

AMAZING WHEN THERE'S NO ALTERNATIVE.

8 pm.  GETTING READY FOR TOMORROW I PROMISED RUTH BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY, NOMINATED FOR 5 OSCARS.  I COULDN'T FIND BLOCKERS.  I SPENT AN HOUR RETRACING MY STEPS.  I HAD IT IN THE CAR TO RETURN.  I THINK I NEED THE JOLT.  IT'S FULL MOON AND I FEEL ENERGIZED.  I REALIZED EVERY MISTAKE, MISSTEP I MAKE TAKES ME BACK TO MOM'S THREATS OF KILLING ME.  SHE WAS FILLED WITH SO MUCH HATE.  MAKES ME SAD AND FULL OF ADRENALINE TO RUN AWAY.

8 HOURS

I USED TO ALWAYS SLEEP 8 HOURS.  I FEEL LIKE MYSELF AGAIN.  I'VE NEVER BEFORE FELT FREE TO DO WHATEVER I WANT.  I USED TO FEEL I HAD TO GET UP AND WORK, EARN MONEY TO PAY BILLS,  KEEP BUSY COOKING, CLEANING, SHOPPING.  VALIDATE MY EXISTENCE.

THIS HUMAN CONDITION IS LIKE A DISEASE.  DIS-EASE.  DISCOMFORT. 

I WATCHED BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY.  FREDDIE MERCURY WAS ALMOST THE PERFECT IMMIGRANT.  HE TURNED HIS LOVE OF MUSIC INTO HIS GREATEST ASSET.  HE NEVER FELT LOVED AND ACCEPTED BY HIS FATHER AND SEARCHED FINDING FACSIMILES UNTIL HIS FATHER ACCEPTED HIM.  HE FOUND HIMSELF TOO LATE.  EVEN THOUGH I KNEW THE STORY I STILL CRIED.  HE WANTED TO UNIFY PEOPLE THROUGH MUSIC.  HE WANTED TO CONNECT THE OUTCASTS KNOWING WE ARE ALL OUTCASTS SEARCHING FOR ENTRANCE BACK INTO HEAVEN. 

HEAVEN TODAY IS

STAYING IN ON A RAINY DAY EATING TOASTED YESTERDAY'S SANDWICH, DARK CHOCOLATE FERRERO ROCA, CORN CHIPS, PLAYING MINUTE WORD SEARCH TO MY HEART'S CONTENT.  DARK CHOCOLATE IS PRACTICALLY HEALTHY.  I MISTAKENLY BOUGHT CASHEW I DON'T LIKE FROM WALGREEN'S CLEARANCE $2 SO I GAVE IT AWAY VALENTINE'S THEN FOUND SAFEWAY CLEARANCE 2 DARK CHOCOLATE $2.50 EVEN MORE DELICIOUS THAN REGULAR.  I'M SO BLESSED.

I'M EXERCISING MY ARMS TILTING THE CHROME BOOK TO FIND THE WIRELESS SIGNAL.  I THOUGHT I WAS GETTING FLABBY THEN REALIZED THE LAST OF THE MUSCLE BOUND IS LEAVING.

I THINK THE SAME IS TRUE FOR MY LEGS.  MY LEFT LEG IS STILL PINCHED AND LOOKS LARGER.

I WAS FEELING TIGHT AND TENSE SO I BIKED AND DID SOME SQUATS.  ALL BETTER.

BACK TO AFFIRMATIONS

I STARTED AFFIRMATIONS AT 25 W/SONDRA RAY.  MY LIFE IMPROVED AND I STOPPED.  WHAT A SILLY GIRL.

USING THEM AGAIN TO BALANCE THE BEING WITH THE DOING.  MAYBE THAT'S THE BIGGEST BENEFIT.  STOPPING TO TAKE THE TIME TO FILL MY MIND WITH POSITIVE THOUGHTS KEEPS OUT THE GARBAGE IN MY MIND AND Q.E.D. MY LIFE.

I JUST NOTICED DOING CAN BE PRONOUNCED 'DOING' AS OPPOSED TO 'DO-ING'. 

SO BAD

BACK PAIN  IS 10 THIS MORNING.  I ATE 3 SLICES OF FRUITCAKE JUST BEFORE BED.

STRETCHING HELPS.  IT HASN'T BEEN THIS BAD IN A LONG TIME.

I CAN HEAR THE RAIN COMING DOWN LIKE A TRAIN.  T-RAIN.  SO MUCH PAIN.

I MADE REGULAR INSTANT OATMEAL WITH CHERRIES AND ALMONDS.  THAT SOOTHED MY STOMACH.  I EXERCISED IN THE HOT TUB AND LAP POOL AND MY BACK WAS GOOD.

AMAZING.

I WENT BY ST J.  THEY CLOSE SATURDAY TO MONDAY BECAUSE OF SPRING HOLIDAY.  SO I'M FILLING MY LOOKING. 

TOMORROW VALENTINES DAY.

PATIENCE

CHROME BOOK WOKE ME WITH MALFUNCTIONING LAFF TV PAGE PLAYING.

YESTERDAY WAS PRETTY GOOD.  I PUT OUT GARBAGE BIN.  I FELT GOOD AND DID LAUNDRY IN 2 X AT SCOTT FOR $2.25.  I WASN'T SURE WHETHER I'D USE TWO MACHINES OR ONLY DO ONE LOAD AND REALIZED I COULD USE ONE LARGE MACHINE.  PROGRESS.

ROSE MARIE IS WALKING AGAIN AND CAME TO LUNCH.  CHEERED EVERYONE UP.

I STOPPED AT ST J, DONATED RICE AND BEANS.  RETURNED WRONG DVDS.  SO GOING BACK TODAY.

I CAME HOME, HUNG CLOTHES, SEWED BAG, GOOFED AROUND.

I'M OFFICIALLY ADDICTED TO STEEL CUT INSTANT OATMEAL.  I LIKE IT SO MUCH MORE THAN REGULAR.

TODAY ROSE WAS BACK.  SHE STILL CLAIMS NOT TO UNDERSTAND HER PINCHED NERVE.  I STILL DON'T UNDERSTAND THE HUMAN CONDITION.  SHE'S CATTY, CRITICAL AND MEAN.  I'LL PRAY FOR HER DAUGHTER WHO HAS CANCER.  I UNDERSTAND WHY NOW.  ARE THEY AFRAID OF ROSE?

I WENT TO ST J WITH NEWSPAPER.  FOUND PAPER RACK 1/2 OFF $1.50.  CHRIS IS A PILL.  I WALKED MY DVDS TO LIBRARY.  I WALKED AROUND 'TIL I WAS TIRED.

I WASHED MY BIG KAHUNA MUG, COOKED PORK IN PUCK OVEN, ENTERED NEW MONOPOLY CODES.  YOU HAVE TO BUY FREEBIES WITH TOKENS, HOW IS THAT FREE?  I HUNG MY BATHING SUIT.  IT'S SUPPOSED TO STORM TONIGHT.

I ACTUALLY FEEL LONELY

A NEW EXPERIENCE.  I MUST BE BETTER.  WHEN I WAS SICK I WAS TOO SICK TO DO OR BE ANYTHING ELSE.  TO FEEL LONELY IS A STEP UP. 

YESTERDAY I SPENT A GREAT PART OF THE DAY LOUNGING IN BED BECAUSE I CHOSE TO NOT BECAUSE I WAS SICK.  I STRETCHED AND PAMPERED MYSELF.  GOT UP AND WATCHED VENOM DVD.  CARTOON, COMIC BOOK MOVIES AMAZE ME THAT PEOPLE WOULD SPEND SO MUCH MONEY MAKING SUCH VIOLENCE.  OUR NEANDERTHAL DNA RELIVING THE PAST. 

A LOVELY RAINY DAY TO DO IT.  I FEEL GUILTY ABOUT THE JUNGLE YARD.  I DON'T KNOW HOW THE YARD WENT ON THE 8 YEARS MY BACK FORCED MY INACTIVITY. 

I TRIED TO IMAGINE THE YARD'S SEASONAL PROGRESSION AND I CAN'T.  I WATCHED THE 2002 TIME MACHINE WITH THE CG PROJECTIONS AND STILL CAN'T IMAGINE.  ANOTHER FEAR BASED, VIOLENT EXPRESSION OF OUR NEANDERTHAL DNA.

WATCHING TEA WITH THE DAMES DVD, A REAL LIFE DISCUSSION OF LIFE AND DEATH. 

I WANT BETTER NEW EXPERIENCES.  THE ONLY WORTHWHILE MEMORIES ARE THOSE OF KINDNESS. 



 

CZ 925

I FOUND 1 CARAT T W POST EARRINGS $2.18 AT ST J. 

I HAD RED POTATOES LEFT FROM LUNCH AND HEATED CHICKEN CURRY.  I ATE SOME CHOCOLATE COCONUT PEANUT BUTTER WITH ORANGE HONEY FOR DESSERT.  I MAY HAVE SOME MORE. 

AH, FRIDAY.  TOMORROW MY DAY OF REST. 

GEE, HOW LUCKY CAN I GET

5 AM BARBRA STREISAND SINGING FROM FUNNY GIRL. 

YESTERDAY I GOT HOME AND REALIZED I FORGOT TO RETURN BOOK AND DECIDED NOT TO MAKE A SPECIAL TRIP.  $.50 FINE.

NEW FOR ME.  I RARELY FAIL TO RETURN THINGS ON TIME.  AND NEVER BEFORE ON PURPOSE.  PART OF MY DEDICATION TO A STRESS FREE LIFE.

I MADE AND ATE MY OATMEAL.  STEEL CUT IS LIKE A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT CEREAL.  I ADDED HAM AND ALMONDS. 

I'LL TAKE CELERY AND PICKLE FOR MY MID MORNING SNACK.

TODAY IS CAMPBELL LIBRARY.

BIG BREAKFAST

I WOKE AT 1:30 COULDN'T GET BACK TO SLEEP, WATCHED THE BOOKSHOP.  I WOULD HAVE ENDED IT WITH A NEW SHOP IN THE SAME TOWN.  ON TO GROUNDHOG DAY,

I WANTED STEEL CUT OATMEAL AND HAM EGGS CHEESE SO I'M HAVING IT ALL.

SPECIAL FEATURES MARMOT LIFE.

FOCUS

CAROLE ALLEN CAME BACK TO VISIT TODAY.  I HOPE SHE CAN HELP ROSE MARIE VON DORON.  INGE GOT HER PHONE NUMBER.  CAROLE WAS HAVING PROBLEMS CHARGING HER PHONE,  I TOLD HER HOW TO GO TO BATTERIES +,  AND THE FAST TALKER.  AND THE REPAIRMAN IN THE BACK.  AND THE PARKING LOT.

I GOT A LOT DONE.  I GOT GAS AT COSTCO AND IT WAS A MESS.  THEY'RE DOING REPAIRS WITH ROPES AND BARRICADES.  TOOK ME 20 MINUTES.  WEATHER WAS COLD 39 DEGREES SO I WENT TO DANNY'S RECYCLE $10.78.  I OFFERED 10 TO INGE FOR THE BOTTLES SHE GAVE ME BUT SHE DECLINED.  THANK YOU INGE AND GOD.

I WENT TO ST J BUT DIDN'T FIND ANYTHING.

MISSISSIPPI MOONSHINE

MEMPHIS GRASS-HASH.  DREAM WHEN I WOKE.  PROBABLY TOMAS'.

EXPLAINS THE HALF GLASS OF PINOT GRIGIO WINE I HAD.

I FINALLY GET THE FACT THAT VIRGINNY'S DAUGHTER THINKS SHE'S RUDE, ABRASIVE AND ARROGANT.  I COULDN'T SEE IT 'TIL NOW.  OH, WELL.

I'M FEELING THE NEW MOON.  LIKE SOMETHING IS ABOUT TO UP LEVEL. 

I CHARGED THE BOOK AND PHONE AT SENIORS AND TOOK SOME PAPER TO ST J.  I FOUND A PETER RABBIT PLANTER BEATRIX POTTER-Y.  I PUZZLED, SWAM, GOT EXTRA MASH, GAVE ART THE BEEF.  I FEEL GOOD.

FULL DAY

I DID EVERYTHING I WANTED.  I HAD OATS.  I WENT TO EXERCISE.  WALKED MY TWO SAFEWAY STORES; BLACK SESAME SEEDS AND LEMON BAR MIX, SLICED CHICKEN, LUNCHABLE.  $UNNVALE TWO BURRITOS.  TRIPLE POINT LUCKY'S PINWHEEL WRAP 100 POINTS, SARA-LUCKY'S 2 CHOCOLATE COCONUT PEANUT BUTTER.  CVS 25% COUPON FLEX SEAL, 2 FISHERMAN'S FRIEND, NIGHT GLASSES.  I CAME HOME, PUT EVERYTHING AWAY AND ATE SALAD WITH AVOCADO WASABI DRESSING 3 PINWHEELS.  WATCHED TV, PLAYED COMPUTER WORD GAMES WATCHING VERY BRADY SEQUEL, SOAP DISH.  NAPPED AND ATE CHERRY PIE.  READ NEWSPAPER.  WATCHED MORE TV.

I'D LIKE TO WATCH COOK KIDS AT 9:30 BUT I'M TIRED.

BEST OF ALL WORLDS

I'M SITTING HERE EATING A BIG RANCH SALAD WITH HAM, WATCHING AEON FLUX MOVIE 2005.  THE MORNING WAS TIME MACHINE 2002. 

I'M FILLING IN THE SPACES OF THE YEARS SPENT BED BOUND.  IT'S AMAZING I'M ALIVE.  I SUPPOSE BEING MUSCLE BOUND KEPT MY CIRCULATION GOOD.  I KNOW USUALLY MUSCLES ATROPHY WITHOUT STRESS.  I HAD A LOT OF INTERNAL STRESS WITH MY CRAZY SISTERS' BETRAYAL. 

AND I'M GETTING BETTER.

IT'S FRIDAY

I THOUGHT ABOUT PAYING HOUSE INSURANCE AND DECIDED TO WAIT 'TIL TODAY.

I'M CALM.  MAYBE A LITTLE ANXIOUS. JUST A LITTLE.

OK...  I DID IT.  PAID FOR ANOTHER YEAR # 8 4 8 4 9 2 7 9.  $753/709+44.

AND I CAN DO BANKING TODAY OR NOT.  AHHH... MY INNER CHILD.

I HAVE MY GROUNDHOG DAY MOVIE FOR TOMORROW.

9:30 PM- I DID MY BANKING, LOOKED THROUGH ST J, WAS HOME BY 1:40 TO WATCH JEOPARDY.  I DID SOME PAPERWORK, ATE THE RICE AND CHILE PORK, WATCHED FRESH OFF THE BOAT AND COOL KIDS.  THEY SHOULD HAVE NAMED IT KOOL KIDZ.  I'M GOOD.