CHILDHOOD IS TOUGH

THERE'S A FINE LINE BETWEEN SUCCESS AND FAILURE.  COURSE IN MIRACLES SAYS SOME OF OUR SUCCESSES ARE OUR GREATEST FAILURES AND VICE VERSA.  AND I CAN TRULY SEE THAT NOW.  A LOT OF MY SELF DOUBT IS WAITING TO SEE HOW THINGS TURN OUT. 

I JUDGE TOO MUCH.  AND SO IT GOES.

I HAD A FINE DAY.  I DID MY USUAL SUNDAY MORNING AND WENT TO ST. J WHERE I FOUND A BOXED J WAVING KITTY TOY THAT HAS A SUN PANEL $1.

WATCHING 60 MINUTES I CRIED FOR THE LOVE=WISDOM JAAP AND AALTJE VAN ZWEDEN SHOWED BY LOVING THEIR SON AND PATIENTLY WAITING FOR HIM TO DEVELOP THE BRAIN CONNECTIONS TO ENTER THE WORLD.

AND THEN GOD UN-FRIENDED ME ABOUT OUR INTER-CONNECTEDNESS.   AND BEING CALLED TO HELP OTHERS.  NO ONE ENTERS HEAVEN BUT ON THE ARM OF A BROTHER.

IT'S COMING TOGETHER.

THE HOT CHICK

THE REAL LESSON IS ABOUT SELF PERCEPTION.  SHE DOESN'T REALIZE HOW THE WORLD PERCEIVES HER BEHAVIOR WHEN THEY ACCEPT HER MEAN, RUDE, SOCIO-PATHETIC ACTIONS PERCEIVED BY HERSELF AS CLEVER AND FUNNY.  OR MAYBE THE WORLD VIEW DOESN'T MATTER TO HER.

2002

3 PM-WEIRD.  I GUESS IT'S PCH HAVING PROBLEMS PUBLISHING.  SO WHEN I ENTERED I DELETED 6 COPIES.

I TOOK MYSELF TO MC-D AS A TREAT.  HAPPY MEAL AND HASH BROWN.  POTATOES MY FAVORITE.  I WENT TO PATELCO 2 PM TO TAKE CARE OF BUSINESS AND THEY WERE BOOKED 'TIL 5, THEY CLOSE AT 6.  I WILL RETURN.  WHAT A WONDERFUL OPPORTUNITY TO NOT FEEL IRRITATED.

THE HOT CHICK SHOWED WHEN I WAS BED RIDDEN.  I WANT TO SEE IT SO MANY TIMES.  I DON'T KNOW.  IT HAS SO MANY FUNNY PEOPLE.  AND I GOT SAGA VOLUME 2.  SO MANY GREAT THINGS.  YESTERDAY CAMPBELL LIBRARY WAS UNCROWDED.  A MIRACLE.

I'M DRINKING LOTS OF WATER AND RESTING A LOT.  I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE.  I'D HOPED I'D REMEMBER BETTER.  OH, WELL LIVING AND LEARNING.  I'M STILL DETOXING AND NEW AREAS HURT.

2002

I'VE BEEN MONITORING MY INTAKE AND REST.  EVERYTHING REFLECTING BACK.  PCH ALLOWED ME TO GO TO WHEEL BUT NOT FRONTPAGE. 

THE HOT CHICK SHOWED WHEN I WAS BED RIDDEN.  I WANT TO SEE IT SO MANY TIMES.  I DON'T KNOW.  IT HAS SO MANY FUNNY PEOPLE.  AND I GOT SAGA VOLUME 2.  SO MANY GREAT THINGS.  CAMPBELL LIBRARY WAS UNCROWDED.  A MIRACLE.

I'M DRINKING LOTS OF WATER AND RESTING A LOT.  I'VE BEEN HERE BEFORE.  I'D HOPED I'D REMEMBER BETTE.  OH, WELL LIVING AND LEARNING.  I'M STILL DETOXING AND NEW AREAS HURT.

I'M OK

I LET CODY RENEW MY LOANS INSTEAD OF STRESSING MYSELF.  I HAVE 'TIL SATURDAY FOR COUNTY. 

LIFE WITHOUT PRESSURE IS STRESSFUL.  IT'S SO NEW.  OH, WHAT TO DO.

FEELING EXHAUSTED AND FINE

QUITE THE DAY.  SO MUCH CAKE AND MUFFINS.  I WENT AND EXERCISED WHEN THE ALKY SHOWED UP.  LUNCH WAS OK.  I WENT TO ST J TO SHOW MY DRESS BUT JOHN WASN'T THERE.  SUSAN WAS HAPPY TO SEE ME AND LAUGHED WHEN I POINTED OUT MY DRESS MATCHED THE PICTURE BEHIND THE DESK.

ART GAVE ME LEFTOVERS.  I CAME HONE AND PUT EVERYTHING AWAY.  I'M RESTING.  I FEEL FEVERISH SO I'M DRINKING THE JUICES.  I TOASTED THE TAQUITOS AND WAFFLES.  YUM....

CPM

I RELEASE CRITICAL PATH MANAGEMENT.  I RELEASE THE PAST.

I'VE BEEN CONSCIOUS OF OF BEING DRIVEN TO SURVIVE SINCE I WAS EIGHT.  I WAS CLEANING HOUSE THEN BUT UNLIKE LITTLE ORPHAN ANNIE I HAD NO ONE AND NOTHING TO SING ABOUT.  EXCEPT THERE WAS NO ORPHAN ANNIE MOVIE THEN SO I THOUGHT I WAS CINDERELLA.  I WAS CONVINCED I WAS ADOPTED.  THEY HAD MONEY, I WAS POOR.  THEY WERE TOGETHER, I WAS ALONE.  I HAD TO STAY ONE STEP AHEAD TO SURVIVE OR BE CRUSHED BY THE INDIANA JONES BOULDER FAMILY,  MY ONLY REWARD LIVING ANOTHER DAY.  THE STEAM ROLLER IN ROGER RABBIT.  MY NEMESES DR DOOM BEING FLATTENED INSTEAD, THEIR RED EYES POPPING OUT OF THEIR HEADS.  SO SATISFYING I WATCHED IT 7 TIMES WHEN IT CAME OUT.

HUH, ALL GORE COMES FROM THE WISH TO CRUSH OUR ENEMIES.

I PROBABLY HAD A FAIRLY NORMAL CHILDHOOD.  WE REMEMBER BY OUR DNA TRAUMA FOR SURVIVAL.

MY BACK IS INSISTING I REMEMBER AND CLEAR.  NO HOUSEWORK, NO YARD WORK.  I'M MANAGEMENT NOW.

FUNNY WORD 'REMEMBER'.  TO REATTACH LIKE FRANKENSTEIN'S MONSTER.

BACK ON TRACK

I WENT TO G2, MARIA, LUCKY'S.

I SLEPT 10-7.  9 HOURS.  I'M AMAZED.  I FELL ASLEEP LISTENING TO LOUISE HAY YOU CAN HEAL YOUR LIFE CD.

I BELIEVE I LOST THE FLIP FLOPS TO KEEP MY PERSPECTIVE AND SOMEONE ELSE NEEDED THEM MORE.  LIKE THE SUITCASE/GYM BAG. 

THERE WAS A NICE ARTICLE IN THE TV GUIDES 4 OF THEM AT THE MARIA SAFEWAY.  AND I READ THE CARTOONS.  I SAVED THE COUPONS FOR ALAMEDA.  EVEN THOUGH SHE'S A USER.  LIKE MOM.  A BULLY LIKE MOM.  HOPEFULLY THEY WILL REALLY BENEFIT THE VETERANS. 

SOPHIA CALLED ABOUT ST J.  IT WAS JUST LAST WEEK.  TYGJ I COULDN'T GET TO THE PHONE.  OR THE RAMBLING WOULD HAVE BEEN LONGER. 

I WAS THINKING OF DOING YARD WORK AND FELT SICK SO I RESTED.  I STITCHED THE COLA COOLER.  I WANT TO GLUE THE EDGES.  I WANT TO CLEAN THE CAR COOLER.  I'VE BEEN USING THE INSULATED SHOPPING BAGS INSTEAD.

OOPS

I LISTENED TO DON MANNARINO AND SLEPT ON AND OFF TEN HOURS.  I AWOKE 8 A M AND PLANNED ON VV JUMBLE AT 9.  I MADE AND ATE MY OATMEAL, CHECKED OUT THE FREE STUFF, BOUGHT SOME. WENT TO LUTHERAN CHURCH, BOUGHT DVDS, BROKEN COCA COLA SODA BAG I'M FIXING.  DISCOVERED AT SENIORS I LOST FLIP FLOPS.  I HAD EXTRA AT HOME.  SO I USED CLOGS.  OH, WELL.  SWAM, WENT TO McD FOR LUNCH BUT THE LINE WAS 20 LONG.

I CAME HOME AND ATE PASTA CHICKEN.  CONSOLIDATED JUICES, REFILLED WATER, PLAYED WITH MY NEW TOYS.  REDID SUPPLEMENTS.  NAPPED A COUPLE HOURS.  ATE MINI MEATLOAF.  TV WAS SKETCHY.  WATCHED UNCLE DREW.  THE ONLY BLACK DVD I'D EVER BUY.  FUNNY AND WARMHEARTED WITH A GOOD MESSAGE.

REMODELING MY INTERIOR IS EXHAUSTING.

BETTER

I'M FEELING MORE RESTED.  I WENT TO CAMPBELL TO DROP OFF AND PICK UP.  I TOOK JOHN AND SUSAN AVOCADO/GUAVA.  I DECIDED RESPECTFUL MAN AT PGE GIVE HIM A FEW.  I NEVER EAT THEM.  CAME HOME.  I HAVE SO MUCH FOOD AND JUICE.  TYGJ.  I FOUND BINDER AND PINK SPICE RACKS FOR PANTRY.  PRETTY, PRETTY.

I EVEN CLEANED AND ATE CELERY.  ONE SMALL PIECE.

BIG BANG THEORY

EXPLAINS SO MUCH OF HUMAN BEHAVIOR.  AND IT'S ACCURATE SCIENCE.  SPOONFUL OF SUGAR AND MEDICINE.

THE OBESITY EPIDEMIC.

EVERYONE EATING SUGAR FOR NO REASON.  SELF-MEDICATING.  TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING BECOMES BAD.  LIKE TOO MUCH CELERY.  AFTER A MONTH I'VE DEVELOPED A TASTE FOR THE SWEET/SALTY/CRUNCHY.  BUT TOO MUCH IS AN UNHEALTHY DETOX. 

MUST BE WHY ENLIGHTENMENT IS IN STAGES.  SO WE DON'T IMPLODE.

FAILURE/TEACHER

WE LEARN FROM OUR FAILURES AND ENJOY OUR SUCCESSES.  IF WE'RE NOT FAILING WE'RE NOT TRYING.

TOM DRONER IS VOLUNTEERING WITH KIDS TO HAVE NEW STORIES .  I DID THAT BY TELLING HIM HE DOESN'T HAVE CONVERSATIONS ONLY LECTURES.

I LOST THE PGE BILL AND WENT ONLINE TO CHECK.  DUE TOMORROW AND I CAN PRINT IT OUT AT SRS OR MLIB.  I MISPLACED THE CITY BILL, GOT A COPY, AND FOUND IT.

TYGJ.  DOING NEW THINGS.

I FOUND PGE UNDER COUPONS.

REVISITING THE PAST

I'M GETTING USED TO WAKING AT 2-3 AM.  I LIKE THE QUIET.  I NAPPED YESTERDAY AND FEEL MORE RESTED.  I LIKE MY SOLITUDE.  I WAS HOME BY 1 PM.  I NEEDED THE REST.  I MISPLACED THE SAGA GRAPHIC NOVEL AND FOUND IT AFTER HOURS OF LOOKING NOT BECAUSE I REMEMBERED WHERE I LEFT IT BUT I SAW IT IN THE BACK OF THE CAR.  I CAN'T REMEMBER WHY I PUT IT THERE.

WATCHING BIG BANG THEORY GIVES ME HOPE OF FINDING MY JONATHON LIVING SEAGULL FLOCK.

THE CONNERS STARTED TONIGHT.  THEY KILLED ROSEANNE BY OPIOD OVERDOSE.  IT WAS PRETTY GOOD.  MOST SITCOMS ARE ABOUT THE DYSFUNCTION.  MOST FORGET THE FUN IN DYSFUNCTION.  I'M DONE WITH DYSFUNCTION.

ACTING THE ADULT

I'M SO GOOD AT IT.  MY SURVIVAL DEPENDED ON BEING SMARTER THAN THOSE IN POWER.  I LEARNED SELF CONTROL EARLY.  I AVOIDED BEING KILLED BY THE CRAZIES IN MY FAMILY. 

I HAD HIGH HOPES FOR THE WORLD BEING SANER BUT I'VE BEEN DISAPPOINTED SO MANY TIMES I'VE LEARNED TO RELY ON THE UNIVERSE. 

YESTERDAY I DID MY NORMAL ROUTINE DESPITE FEELING TOXIC.  MY ENTIRE LIFE I'VE FORCED MYSELF TO DO WHAT I HAD TO BECAUSE OF OTHERS AND NOW I HAVE A SKILL FOR IT.  I CAN USE IT TO MY ADVANTAGE.

I HAVEN'T HAD ANY CELERY TODAY.  ONE SMALL PIECE YESTERDAY.  MAYBE I'LL GO THE REST OF THE WEEK WITHOUT.  I USED TO STOP AT THREE OR FOUR STALKS.  CLEARLY I'VE OVERINDULGED.  I'VE DEVELOPED A TASTE FOR IT. 

AND SEA FOOD. 

POTATO, CRAB, CHEESE CASSEROLE. 

WHAT I WANT

THE HARDEST PART OF LIVING IS KNOWING WHAT I WANT AND DISCIPLINING MYSELF TO CREATE AND ENJOY IT.  SELF DISCIPLINE TAKES ALL MY ENERGY.

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT MY LEOPARD PRINT MESSAGE.  I HAVE SO MUCH CLOTHING IN IT.  MARIA OLVERA WORE A LOT OF IT.  HER KIDS MADE LITTLE BOW PINS FOR HER MEMORIAL.  SINCE JAN 9, 2016 SHE'S BEEN ONE OF MY ANGELS.

A LEOPARD CAN'T CHANGE ITS SPOTS.  WE'RE NOT LEOPARDS.  I CAN CHANGE.  WE CAN CHANGE.  THE WHOLE POINT OF KIMO DISSING HER AND FORCING ME TO LEAVE BEFORE I DECKED HIM.  HE'S PART OF THE DESIGN.  DAD AGAIN.

CHANGE WITH ME.

MY EX WHINED HE COULDN'T CHANGE AND BECAME MY EX.

OMG  I'M HERE TO CHANGE.  MY LIFE PURPOSE THAT I'VE SPENT 67 YRS FIGURING OUT.

1972

I NEVER THOUGHT ABOUT MY LIFE.  I JUST LIVED IT.  I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT I WANTED TO DO AFTER HIGH SCHOOL SO I WENT TO COLLEGE.

MR RHODES MY HIGH SCHOOL COUNSELOR APPLIED TO SJSU, BERKELEY, STANFORD, SCU FOR ME AND I WAS ACCEPTED.  I KNEW I'D HAVE TO DO IT ALONE AND COULD AFFORD SJSU.  SO OFF TO COLLEGE TO FIND OUT WHAT I WANTED TO DO.

TAKING THE PATH OF LEAST RESISTANCE.

I MET AND MARRIED AND BEGAN FIGURING OUT MY LIFE.  MARRIAGE FORCED ME TO THINK ABOUT MY PROGRAMMING.  I WAS A LEMMING UNTIL THAT POINT.  PROGRAMMED TO SELF DESTRUCT.  MAYBE THERE'S A PART OF ME THAT ENVIES THE LACK OF CONSCIOUSNESS OF THE KIDS TODAY.  OR ALL KIDS.

WE HAVE THE POTENTIAL TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE.  IF WE LEARN TO BECOME BETTER PEOPLE.  EVERYONE BELIEVES THEY'RE AS GOOD AS THEY'RE GOING TO BE.  ETHICALLY LAZY.  OR AFRAID TO TRY AND FAIL.

TO MAKE THE WORLD A BETTER PLACE WE ONLY HAVE TO CLEAN UP OUR OWN ACT.  NOTHING ELSE.  WE'RE PART OF THE WORLD.  CLEANING UP OUR PART IMPROVES THE WORLD.  THE UNIVERSE. 

MY PUSHING OUT MY STOMACH IS AN ATTEMPT TO NOT BE THE SKINNY KID HATED BY MY MOM.  SHE CONSTANTLY SHAMED AND BERATED ME AND CRITICIZED ME FOR NOT STANDING UP STRAIGHT WHEN SHE CALLED ME BEAN POLE.  LIKE I HAD A LOT TO BE PROUD OF.  MY FAMILY.  I DON'T THINK SO.

THE GOOD PLACE

THIS TED DANSON SERIES POSITS THE ANXIETY IS HELL.  HMMM...

WHAT IF WE'RE IN HELL AND DON'T KNOW IT?  AND THE EXTREME TORTURE IS SEEKING TO MAKE IT HEAVEN?

OR WE CAN MAKE IT WHAT WE WANT. 

I'M LIMITING HOW MUCH CELERY I EAT.  I'VE BEEN FEELING EXHAUSTED, HAVING LUCID DREAMS EVERY TWO HOURS WAKING ME UP.  CLEANSING TOO FAST.  CODY AND HIS DAUGHTER SHARE ONE STALK BETWEEN THEM.  AND IT'S WORKING WELL.  I FEEL BETTER.

SO MANY DREAMS

I WOKE EVERY TWO HOURS.  DREAMS OF ME ASSERTING, DEFENDING MYSELF.  THE LAST DREAM OF GERDA DRIVING, INGA PASSENGER, ME SITTING BEHIND INGA DRIVING TO THIRD CASINO OF THE DAY.  FEELING EXHAUSTED BUT CONTENT.

I AM WILLING TO CHANGE MY LIFE.  I DESERVE TO HAVE ABUNDANT JOY.  I DESERVE TO FEEL HAPPY.  I DESERVE TO FEEL RELAXED AND COMFORTABLE.  I DESERVE PERFECT HEALTH NOW.

wah

I WANT TO RUN AWAY BUT EVERYWHERE I GO THERE I AM.

MY CRUSH ON JUSTIN IS MY SECOND PUBERTY.  60 IS THE SECOND CHILDHOOD MIDLIFE CRISIS TIME.  I CAN BE 17 IF I WANT TO REBUILD MYSELF.  I NEVER EXERCISED.  I CAN DO WHATEVER I WANT.

I DESERVE TO FEEL GREAT.

 OF COURSE.  I KEEP FORGETTING THE PAIN/DISCOMFORT OF BIRTHING NEW THOUGHTS, BEHAVIORS, REVELATIONS.

8 pm-I ALMOST FORGOT IT'S WEDNESDAY.  BOOKMOBILE DAY.  I DIDN'T SLEEP SO WELL.  I PUZZLED AND EXERCISED, HAD LUNCH, WENT TO MAIN LIB FOR RETRO-TECH.  NON COMMERCIAL ONLY.  HOME MADE ONLY CONSERVATION.  I NEED A CONVERTER.

COLUMBUS

I WENT TO SAVERS HALF OFF, 5 TOPS, 5 TOWELS.  I MAILED ALLSTATE HOUSE VERIFICATION, CHECKED FOOD MAXX. 

I STOPPED BY SUMIYA AND IT'S PACKED.  MUST BE DELICIOUS 'CAUSE IT ISN'T CHEAP.  RESERVATION A MUST.  OR PHONE IN TO GO.

MY MESS KEEPS THE VULTURES FROM USING MY HOUSE AS THEIR PERSONAL MARKET.  TYGJ.

I'M FEELING BETTER.  FIRST OF THE MONTH IS ALWAYS PHYSICALLY CHALLENGING.

ADRENALINE

4 HRS OF MEDITATION CD.

SLEPT 15 MINUTES TWO DREAMS: 1) DRIVING IN MTNS BUSY REALTORS OFFICE, I LEAVE I'VE TAKEN HIS TOUCHTONE DESK PHONE.  I TURN AROUND TO HEAD BACK, CAMPING GEAR IN ROAD, I DETOUR EXPLORING FREEWAY FRONTAGE ROAD.  2) I ENTER MY LIVING ROOM BLACK GIRL SITS AT MY BERNINA USING IT W/O PERMISSION OR INSTRUCTION.  I TELL HER NO,NO,NO. SHE ROLLS HER EYES AT MEX GIRLFRIEND, NO APOLOGY, ACKNOWLEDGMENT  OR CONTRITION.  I WON'T BE DISRESPECTED IN MY OWN HOME THEY'RE ON NOTICE AND CAN LOOK FOR HOUSING ELSEWHERE.

SO FAR EVERYONE HAS BETRAYED OR DISRESPECTED ME IN SOME WAY.  NO MORE.

REBORN

THE WARM WATER POOL REMINDED ME OF MY DISCOMFORT BEING BORN.  I FELT THE ANGER, FEAR, FRUSTRATION OF MY MOM CENTERED IN MY ABDOMEN AND HER ABDOMEN.

THE ONLY LOVE I'VE EVER FELT HAS BEEN FROM MOMMA (DELORISE LUCAS).  THE CONFUSION I FELT WAS FROM THE NEWNESS OF THE EXPERIENCE.  WHEN I MET HER I RAN HOME.  I KEPT GOING BACK FOR THE TWO YEARS SHE CAME TO THE AREA.

THE LOUISE HAY RECORDINGS HAVE UNLOCKED AND REORGANIZED MY MEMORIES INTO COHERENT THOUGHTS.  MY BODY IS UNLOCKING AND RELEASING ALL BLOCKAGES. 

ZOMBIES

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT THE WORLD FASCINATION.  THE MOVIES ARE ABOUT ALL THE BODIES WALKING AND TALKING AND DEAD BEHIND THE EYES.  SENIOR TOM WHO DRONES AND COMPLAINS WHEN ALL HE DOES IS TALK ABOUT THE GOOD OLD DAYS AND TRIES TO KEEP THE PAST ALIVE BY RUNNING HIS MOUTH.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND THE SCHISM.  UNLESS ON SOME LEVEL HIS ACTIVE BRAIN IS DEAD.  HIS CREATIVE BRAIN MAY BE DEAD AND THE BODY GOING THROUGH THE MOTIONS OF LIVING.  THE APPEARANCE OF LIFE.  T TOO.

ZOMBIE VS ALIVE.

MAYBE WHY FRUSTRATED MEN GO ON KILLING SPREES.

MEMORIES

DOING THE WORD SEARCH I COULDN'T FIND MEMORIES FOR THE LONGEST TIME.  OVERNIGHT.  I USUALLY FIND THE WORD IN SECONDS.  I'M RELEASING MY MEMORIES FROM MY BODY.  MY DNA IS PROGRAMMED TO STORE UNSAFE EXPERIENCES AS PROTECTION FOR MY SURVIVAL.  PTSD.  EMOTIONAL HEALTH=PHYSICAL HEALTH.

EMOTIONAL HEALTH=PHYSICAL HEALTH.

PSYCHOSOMATIC DOESN'T MEAN CRAZY.  IT ACKNOWLEDGES THAT EMOTIONS GENERATE CHEMICAL CHANGES IN THE BODY.  THE BALANCE OF CHEMICALS IN THE BODY CONTROLS OUR HEALTH.

THAT'S HOW SOME ANGRY PEOPLE DON'T GET CANCER THEMSELVES THEY GIVE CANCER TO OTHERS.  THEY GIVE THEIR ANGER TO OTHERS BY BEHAVING IN WAYS TESTED AND KNOWN TO ANGER OTHERS,  GAINING SELF SATISFACTION, A FEELING OF POWER AND CONTROL OVER OTHERS.  IRONIC THEY CAN'T CONTROL THEMSELVES.  HITLERS.

ANGER=CANCER

CRITICISM AND JUDGMENT=DIABETES

FEAR AND EMPTINESS=OBESITY

OF COURSE EX

FELL ASLEEP 9:30-DREAM:  WENT TO COMIC CON OAKLAND(?) WITH EX.  HE HAS TO PEE, I WAIT FOR HIM IN WAITING AREA HE CALLS TO ME TO ENTER MEN'S ROOM, I DECLINE.  HE DITCHES ME.  I'M STRANDED.  THE BAND IS LEAVING I ASK IF THEY CAN CALL UBER THEY OFFER RIDE TO SANTA CLARA AND DRIVE ME HOME.  I HAVE MANY BOOKS WITH ME.  THAT'S WHY HE'S THE EX.

STRANGE DREAM.  I KNOW HE'S DEAD SINCE 2006.  I HAVE BEEN GRIEVING ERIC AND MARIA, MAYBE I'M GRIEVING THE HORRIBLE MARRIAGE I ENDURED.

4:45-DREAM OF GOING TO TEACHER'S BOOK NOOK.  AWOKE FEELING SMALL WEAK DEFENSELESS HAIRLESS ANIMAL FROM CHILDHOOD.

ALL THESE FEELINGS TRAPPED IN MY BODY RELEASING.  FEELS HORRIBLE.  I DON'T WANT TO LIVE LIKE THIS.  I DESERVE BETTER.

HARVILLE HENDRIX REQUIRES COUPLES TO SIGN COMPLETION CONTRACTS BEFORE HE'LL AGREE TO COUNSEL THEM.  THESE ARE POWERFUL UNCOMFORTABLE FEELINGS.  I DON'T LIKE IT.

MARIA OFELIA OLVERA

DIED TWO YEARS AGO AND ERIC LAST YEAR OF COURSE I'M FEELING SAD.

AND PRIORITIES ARE UNBALANCED.  I'D HAVE TO BE AN IDIOT OR INSANE NOT TO BE CONCERNED.  THE WEATHER, AN INSANE GOVERNMENT, THE COMPLACENCY AND CHOSEN IGNORING OF BASIC ISSUES.  I'M GLAD I WON'T LIVE FOREVER.

I HAD A BOOK I PICKED UP AT SENIORS TO GIVE AL ON LEARNING TO SPEAK FRENCH AND THE MEMORIAL FOR MARIA WAS THE BOOK MARK.  I DIDN'T REALIZE HOW FAR I'VE COME.  I WAS STILL 65-70% TWO YEARS AGO.  I'M MAYBE 80% NOW.

PRIMAL FEAR/COMPASSION

AWOKE WITH THE SMALL COLD OBJECT.  THE ORIGINAL SEPARATION FROM THE GARDEN.  FEAR IS SEPARATION. 

FEAR FILLED PEOPLE FIGHT AND CLING TO THINGS TO TRY TO PLACATE THAT EMPTINESS.  UNLOVING PEOPLE ARE EMPTY. 

COURSE IN MIRACLES WRITTEN THROUGH A  PSYCHOLOGIST SAYS THERE ARE ONLY LOVE AND FEAR.  FEAR IS THE ABSENCE OF LOVE.  LEAVING THE GARDEN OF EDEN IS LEAVING LOVE.  THERE IS ONLY LOVE AND THE ABSENCE OF LOVE. 

GOD IS LOVE.  FEAR OF GOD IS THE ALLEGORY OF JOB.  I NEVER BELIEVED GOD WOULD BET ON THE HAPPINESS OF JOB.  THE STORY DEMONSTRATES THE IMPORTANCE OF REMEMBERING GOD IS LOVE AND ONLY LOVE.  GOD TAKES EVERY MATERIAL THING FROM JOB.  JOB CONTINUES TO LOVE GOD AND MORE IS GIVEN TO HIM.

FEAR IS THE ABSENCE OF LOVE.  ANGER IS LACK OF LOVE.  DEPRESSION IS BELIEF THERE WILL NEVER BE LOVE.

OUR BRAINS ARE TOOLS SUBJECT TO THE HEART.  EMOTIONS POWER THE AUTO PILOT BRAIN TO MATERIALIZE OUR HEART'S DESIRE.

BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WANT.  KNOW WHAT THAT IS.