KNOWING WHAT I WANT

AFTER A LIFETIME OF BEING DENIED WHAT I WANT I GAVE UP WANTING.  AND NOW I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT.  AND I'M AFRAID TO WANT.  WHISPERS OF HUMILIATION.

BIPOLAR?

TODAY I'M A WHOLE NEW PERSON.  LUNCH WAS GOOD.  LADIES GAVE ME THEIR LEFTOVERS.  I CALLED SV NISSAN RE TEST DRIVE, NO REPLY.  PEDRO OFF. 

AND I FEEL OK. 

DW-GRADUATION

TODAY IS THE FIRST DAY OF THE REST  OF MY LIFE.

AFTER SR LUNCH I CONFRONTED CITY WITH ELECTRIC BILL, REREAD 1,45.  MY BILL TO BE ADJUSTED.  I CALLED AND VISITED CARLOS WITH CAR INFO.  TYGJ.

I FEEL BETTER,  I HATE CONFRONTATIONS.  FAMILY WAS HUMILIATION AND CONTEMPT.  A NEW DAY.

I'VE DECIDED TO CELEBRATE MY GRAD WITH THEM.  MY FAMILY NEVER EVEN ACKNOWLEDGED ME.  TOOK ME 6 1/2 YEARS ON MY OWN OF PUTTING UP WITH THE GARY SERGIANI JOKES.  I WAS JUST A JEALOUS JOKE TO THEM.

D*I*V*O*R*C*E-MEMORIAL DAY MONDAY

MY VISION IS BLURRY LIKE WHEN I GOT DIVORCED.  WHICH REMINDED ME OF MY SITUATION IN 1985.  SO MANY SIMILARITIES.  I LEFT MY LIFE BEHIND.  A KIND OF DEATH.  I'VE FELT LIKE I'M DYING.  I'M ENTERING A NEW LEVEL OF FREEDOM. 

WHEN I WENT TO LIVE ON MY OWN; NEW LIFE, JOB, APARTMENT, I WAS FINE.  I WILL BE AGAIN.  THE NEW, IMPROVED, UPGRADED VERSION OF ME.  I'VE NEVER BEEN MORE ME.

I'M NOT ELECTRICAL-SUNDAY

I DON'T WANT AN ELECTRIC CAR, I FLUNKED ELECTRICITY IN COLLEGE, MY UTILITIES THIS MONTH JUMPED FROM $120 TO $450.  USUALLY c.200 UNITS TO EXACTLY 3000.  I DON'T KNOW HOW.  EXACTLY 3000.  IT COULD BE A COMBINATION OF THE NEW SMART METER GLITCH OR I LEFT THE PUCK OVEN ON.  I NOW UNPLUG IT.

ASHLEY-CITY SENT RE-READ WITHIN AN HOUR,  EXACTLY 2650 T00 MUCH.

I TEST DROVE A 2008 YESTERDAY THAT FELT LIKE A TANK.  I'M DOING THE BEST I KNOW AND IT DOESN'T FEEL ENOUGH.

I FELT SO SAD THIS MORNING.  MEMORIES.  AND DEPRESSING DVDS.

AT LEAST WHEN I GOT HOME FROM G2, CUPERTINO LIBRARY OPENS 10 AM 7 DAYS A WEEK (I FOUND A NICKEL AND PEN), TRINETHA MARKET GRAND OPENING ON WEBSITE DIDN'T SPECIFY 2016, LUCKY'S 5X BONUS WEEKEND; ROGER RABBIT WAS ON TV.  I ALWAYS LAUGH.

I KILL GIANTS IS ABOUT TRYING TO BEAT DEATH, MOTHER DYING LIKE ME.  A LOT OF THE KID'S DVDS ARE DEPRESSING.  THIS ONE TALKS ABOUT FINDING JOY BUT HASN'T ANY.

FINALLY

I DID IT AGAIN, MY SELF-SABOTAGE OF  SCARING MYSELF BY MISPLACING AND THINKING I'VE LOST MY PURSE, OR PHONE OR WHATEVER.  I GOT IT FROM MOM.  SHE WAS ALWAYS AMBUSHING ME, CAUSING ME PAIN.  DAD TOO TO A LESSER DEGREE, HITTING ME FROM BEHIND IN THE HEAD WITH A ROLLED UP NEWSPAPER.  MOM WAS HANDS ON.  HITTING OR PINCHING WHILE YELLING. 

I WAS ACCUSTOMED TO A CERTAIN LEVEL OF  PAIN.  I LEARNED TO ANTICIPATE THEM AND TOLERATE THEM AND NOW I CREATE IT FOR MYSELF TO NOT MISS THEM. 

4 AM

I DECIDED TO SHOWER AT ARQUES AND DID MY WALKING B4 PT.  HAD LUNCH CAME HOME. 

NOW I'M LOOKING AT CARS. 

ANOTHER 2 AM

YESTERDAY I RAN AROUND COLLECTING FREEBIES 3 STORES, EXERCISING, ST J LUNCH, LIBRARY.  I WAS EXHAUSTED BY 7;30 AND WENT TO BED.  I WAS ASLEEP BY 8.  SO I AWOKE VERY EARLY SORE AND TIRED. 

I CAME HOME BEFORE 1 TODAY.  I CHARGED MY PHONE AND READ THE PAPER.

THIS CHROME ONLY HOLDS A CHARGE FOR 5 HOURS. 

AWAKE SINCE 2

I WAS EXHAUSTED AND FELL ASLEEP AT 9.  HEALING TAKES A LOT OF ENERGY.  I ATE RICE, SPINACH, MASALA LENTILS. 

I DOZED WATCHING BASMATI BLUES.  NOT BAD FOR A MUSICAL ABOUT ETHICAL RICE.  [THE SPACE BAR SOMETIMES DOESN'T WORK ON THIS CHROME]  I STARTED TO FALL ASLEEP AT 6 AND JOLTED AWAKE TO GAS MY CAR.  I OPENED THE CLEANER IN READINESS AND FORGET TO ADD IT UNTIL I GOT HOME.  IT HAS IMPROVED THE MILEAGE.  IT WAS THE PERFECT TIME TO GO.  TYGJ.

IT'S LOVELY COOL SO I CONSIDERED BUYING THE CAR, NOT YET.

IT WON'T PUBLISH.  IT'S STILL ONLINE SO IT MUST BE THE PROGRAM.  SOMETIMES WHEN IT GETS STUCK I FIND 4 OR 5 DRAFTS.

SONGS

I HAVE COUNTING MY BLESSINGS PLAYING IN MY HEAD.  I HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO SLEEP.  IT ISN'T PERRY COMO SINGING.  I'M READY TO KARAOKE  AGAIN.

THE PHYS-THERAPY IS WORKING.  I'M FEELING BETTER, STRONGER.

THOUGHTS

I HAVE SO MUCH GOING ON I DON'T KNOW.  I'M LOOKING FOR A CAR, A NEW DENTIST , I'M STARTING PHYSICAL THERAPY, NEW PHONE TO LEARN. SO MUCH TO DO.

I'LL STEP BACK FOR A BETTER PERSPECTIVE.

TODAY'S DAILY WORD=HEALING.  I'LL MEDITATE ON THAT.

REBORN

I STOPPED GOING OUT AT NIGHT UNTIL LAST NIGHT.  I WENT TO USE AN E-COUPON THAT EXPIRED LAST NIGHT.  I AMAZE MYSELF.

FRIDAY I WAS A MESS, DEPRESSED, LOST MY BAG OF MISC. 

WHY DIDN'T SHE LOVE ME?

I CAN'T SLEEP I'M SO DEPRESSED.  I'M CRYING AGAIN.  HOW CAN I LOVE MYSELF AND FIND LOVE WHEN MOM NEVER LOVED ME.  HALF OF MY GENES IS HERS.  I CAN'T CRY FOREVER.

I STARTED WATCHING PLEASE STAND BY BECAUSE TONI COLLETTE IS IN IT AND I LIKE HER WORK EVER SINCE 6TH SENSE.  I HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK.  IT'S ABOUT AUTISM.  I TOOK SOME KAVA.  IF I DIDN'T HAVE TOBACCO I'D HAVE NO FRIEND AT ALL.

4 AM-TOMORROW IS MOM'S 17TH DEATHIVERSARY.  SHE TRIED TO BEAT THE AUTISM OUT OF ME.  IT HURTS SO MUCH.  WHY DIDN'T SHE LET AUNTY KATCHAN ADOPT ME?  I MIGHT HAVE BEEN LOVED, DIAGNOSED AND HAD A LIFE.

I PRAY SOMEDAY I CAN STOP THE SELF SABOTAGE.  SHE HATED ME AND DID EVERYTHING TO RUIN MY LIFE AND NOW I'M DOING IT.

LOSING MY PHONES, RUINING MY BACK TAKING CARE OF THEM IS ALL SELF SABOTAGE.  ALLOWING MY SELFISH SISTERS TO BETRAY ME.  SHE DID IT FIRST.

IT'S SO CLEAR TO ME NOW.

74o AT 10 AM.  SO I'M TAKING CARE OF ME AT HOME. 

FEELING SMALL

SOMEHOW I'VE MADE THE SCREEN BIGGER.  I'M MISSING MOM.  DESPITE THE CRUELTY AND NEGLECT.  I GUESS I WANT HER TO BE KIND.  MY DREAMS WERE BASED ON MY IMAGINATION MY LIFE ON MY EXPERIENCE. BECAUSE MY LIFE WAS SAD I KEPT CREATING SAD.  ALL I KNEW.  I KNOW MORE NOW.  I CAN CREATE BETTER.  LIKE I CAN COOK BETTER, SEW, EVERYTHING BETTER. 

I HAD THE BEST DREAM OF LOVE AND MARRIAGE FULFILLED.  I GUESS THE SAME DREAM I ALWAYS HAD.

back to normal

I'M FEELING CALMER.  BETTER THAN WHEN THE CHECK ENGINE LIGHT CAME BACK ON.  I'LL START LOOKING FOR CARS AGAIN.

I WANT TO ASK CARLOS' ADVICE.

I JUST DISCOVERED 3 VOLUME KEYS, BUTTONS.

GROWING*UP*SMITH

SO WORTH AWAKING AT 4 AM.  MADE ME LOL AND WANT TO MAKE MOVIES LIKE THIS.  I STARTED NAPPING AFTERNOONS.  I FEEL BETTER.

A TRUE FEELING FAMILY.  YOU LOVE THEM DESPITE THE IRRITATIONS=PEARLS OF WISDOM.  GETTING A GRASP ON THIS INSANE WORLD.

SELF-DESTRUCTIVE PEOPLE HATE THEIR PARENTS.  SELF-SABOTAGE TOO IS UNRESOLVED ISSUES.  100% OF OUR GENETIC CODE IS OUR PARENTS WHETHER WE KNOW THEM OR NOT.  WHO THEY ARE OR WHO WE BELIEVE THEM TO BE.  WHAT IF WE DON'T KNOW THEM AT ALL.

MAYBE WHY THE GRADATIONS OF STRIFE.  TERRORISTS DEFINITELY HAVE A LOT OF UNRESOLVED ISSUES WITH THEIR PARENTS.  THE ENDGAME IS CERTAIN DEATH.  HOW IS THAT LIVING.?

MY PHYS THERAPY 2X NEXT WEEK 8 AM.  SHWETA=PURE. 

SITTING

7 AM-
THIS IS CLEAN UP WEEK AND I'M BLOCKED IN MY DRIVEWAY BY NEXT DOOR CAR.  I'M BEING A GOOD NEIGHBOR I THINK.  I COULD TRY TO SCRAPE BY, NO.

I WENT TO WEST SIDE, DAVE WAS AWAKE AND HELPED DIRECT ME.  NOT HIS GUEST.

SAFE FOR ANOTHER DAY.  I COULD HEAR EAST SIDE YELLING LAST NIGHT AFTER 8 PM.  WOW, JUST LIKE MOM &DAD.

WONDER DVD IS ABOUT IMPERFECT FRIENDS AND ACCEPTING THEM AS THEY ARE.  LIKE ANIME.  I THINK THAT'S WHY IT'S SO POPULAR IN J.

MADE IT TO SR SCHOOL WITHOUT INCIDENT.  MY FAVORITE WAY TO TRAVEL.  SO IS IT ETHNIC OR JUST ME.

I'M TRYING TO BE A BETTER PERSON.

ANIME POINTS OUT THAT VILLAINS BELIEVE THEY'RE GOOD PEOPLE DOING GOOD THINGS.  NAH. THEY KNOW THEY'RE DOING BAD AND TRY TO CONVINCE OTHERS WITH LIES AND RIDICULOUS EXCUSES.  THEIR BODIES DON'T LIE.  REAGAN AND ALZHEIMER'S.

FEELING

I'M FEELING INSECURE.  MAYBE I'M HUNGRY.  I ALWAYS FEEL BETTER AFTER EATING.  EVEN WHEN I'M NOT HUNGRY.  USA'S OBESITY IS STRESS RELATED AND STILL THE MAJORITY OF MEDIA PROMOTES FEAR/ANXIETY.

I DREAMED THE FRONT YARD WAS CLEARED AND NEIGHBOR JIM CLEARED IT AND CUT THE TREES.  SEEING MY DREAMS REAL IS STRANGE AND UNSETTLING.  IT ALWAYS MAKES ME ANXIOUS.

COLORFUL=SUICIDE

ANIME OF SUICIDE, REDEMPTION, A NEW BEGINNING.

MOM TOLD ME DAD'S DAD HUNG HIMSELF IN HIS FRONT YARD THE FIRST YEAR MOM AND DAD WERE MARRIED AND LIVING WITH HIS PARENTS TO SAVE FOR A DOWN PAYMENT ON A HOUSE OF THEIR OWN.  SHE LIED.  THEY GOT MARRIED WHEN SHE WAS 21 SO THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN 1942.  SHE SAID SHE FOUND HIM HANGING IN THE FRONT YARD WHEN SHE RETURNED FROM WORK.

1949 GRANDPA T HAD BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH CANCER AND NO MONEY FOR TREATMENT IF THERE HAD BEEN ANY CURE BACK THEN.  THE DEATH CERTIFICATE SAYS ASPHYXIATION.

2003 I HAD SEEN DAD THROUGH PROSTATE CANCER, COLON CANCER AND HAD HOPES OF MOVING OUT AND RESUMING MY LIFE.  EVERY YEAR WAS A DIFFERENT HEALTH CRISIS.  MOM WAS VERY DEPRESSED WITH DAD YELLING AT HER ALL THE TIME.  I EXPLAINED TO HIM HOW HIS BEHAVIOR TRIGGERED TOXIC CHEMICALS IN HIS BODY THAT DEVELOPED CANCER.  I SEE IT ALL THE TIME AT SENIORS.

I TOOK MOM SHOPPING TO 3 GROCERY STORES.  SHE WALKED AROUND WITH A CART AND BOUGHT NOTHING.  DRIVING HOME SHE TOLD ME OF GRANDPA'S SUICIDE.  I HAD TO PULL THE CAR OVER.

AT HOME I CALLED MY SISTERS TO GIVE HER A VACATION FROM DAD BUT THEY WERE TOO BUSY.  A FEW DAYS LATER I CAME HOME FROM WORK AND WHILE RETURNING PHONE CALLS, DAD POPPED HIS HEAD IN THE DOOR ASKING IF I WANTED TO GO TO DENNY'S FOR DINNER.  I SAID ASK MOM AND THAT'S WHEN HE SAID SHE WASN'T HOME, SHE WAS IN THE HOSPITAL.  I ASKED WHAT HAPPENED "THAT STUPID WOMAN TOOK SLEEPING PILLS."  HE ASKED AGAIN ABOUT DINNER I SAID I WAS GOING TO KAISER TO SEE HER.  HE SAID THE AMBULANCE TOOK HER TO VALLEY MED.  THE AMBULANCE WHEN WE LIVE 10 FROM KAISER.  I ASKED WHEN MY SISTERS WERE GETTING THERE HE ASKED IF THEY SHOULD BE TOLD.  SO INSANE.

I TOLD HIM ONE OF US WAS CALLING THEM.  HE VOLUNTEERED SO I WENT TO VALLEY MED WHERE THEY PUMPED HER STOMACH AND HAD HER UNDER OBSERVATION.  SHE SPENT THE WEEK IN A PSYCHIATRIC FACILITY IN REDWOOD CITY ON ALAMEDA DE LAS PULGAS..  I WENT TO SEE HER EVERYDAY.

WHEN I WAS 16 I THOUGHT ABOUT SUICIDE BECAUSE OF THE BULLYING AT HOME.  WHEN I WAS NINE I PRACTICED TYING HANGMAN'S NOOSE FROM DIAGRAMS IN THE ENCYCLOPEDIA. I EVEN RESEARCHED DIFFERENT METHODS, UNCONSCIOUS OF THE FAMILY HISTORY.  I WOULDN'T HAVE FELT SUCH A WEIRD OUTSIDER IF I'D KNOWN THE TRUTH ABOUT MY FAMILY'  I WASN'T THE WEIRD ONE.

I ACCEPT

I'VE BEEN PRAYING FOR HELP, AND NEXT DOOR OFFERED.  THE DOUBTS AND FEAR POURED IN.  WHY, WILL MY PLANTS GET RIPPED OUT, WHAT DOES HE WANT, I HAVE NO CHOICE.

HE RIPPED OUT EVERYTHING.  HE SAID SUNDAY BUT IT WAS SATURDAY.  I'LL HAVE TO START AGAIN.  GROUNDHOG DAY.

NOT TODAY

I'M PLAYING HOOKY.  I BLEW OFF SRS/SCHOOL AND DROVE AROUND.  I WENT TO 3 SAFEWAY'S LOOKING FOR THE ASPIRIN.  ZILCH.  I GOT TONS OF PLAY TICKETS AND T HAD A HANDFUL.  I CAME HOME, MADE LUNCH TERIYAKI PORK FROM FREEZER WITH JASMINE RICE. 

I GOT 4 FREE DONUTS, POTATO CHIPS, CORN, TOMATO SAUCE.

YUM

I'M HOME EATING A DELICIOUS SALAD FROM SRS.  I HAD THE "TURKEY WALDORF", SLICED LUNCH MEAT WITH GRAPES, ONION, TOO MUCH SALT.  I PUT TOGETHER MY OWN SALAD WITH LUNCH LEFTOVERS.

THIS MORNING LYING IN BED I THOUGHT HOW LOVELY TO CONTINUE LYING THERE AND PROMISED MYSELF TIME OFF.  AT LUNCH I FOUND OUT MY LADIES ARE GOING GAMBLING TOMORROW AND THE LUNCH IS LOUSY SO I'M TAKING THE DAY OFF TOO.  I CAN HAVE ANYTHING!

NOW DESSERT.

YAY!!

I TURNED IN CHROME YESTERDAY AND HAVE ONE READY TODAY.

IT'S A LITTLE UNNERVING TO HAVE THINGS GOING SO WELL.