last day of month

and i'm relaxed.  my ptsd is ok today.

walter came by he's ok.  management inspected on 'thanks' so he was late to churches.  

i keep thinking it's fry day.  

relaxed

i did my seniors thing.  puzzled 'til 3.  decided to fill gas, $3.99/gal waited in line.  earlier would have been less traffic.  3 pm people on their way home.  

watching celebrity jeopardy and wheel of fortune.  heaven.

nov dec jan

winter's here.  i've never felt so in tune.  i always pushed myself because my family pushed me to be there for them.  so without thinking or feeling i forced myself.  i wasn't allowed to think or feel just do what they wanted me to do for them.  

i somehow dropped my eye glasses from my gym bag.  found it at check in desk.  filled water bottles.  didn't tighten one cap, spilled all over hallway.  mallory called my attention and helped mop it up.  

instead of going to Walmart for fish oil i bought at lucky's 2 for 1.  new behavior.

i finally found maroon shorts on living room chair.  i have 4 pair of shorts to wear on cold mornings.  

43 o check engine

 car hates the cold.  getting sneezy using allergy plant.  moderate air from smoke pollution.  

new behavior

i went to nob and sunny at 5 pm.  i picked up holds and copies of scratched discs that won't play.  i played on puzzle for a bit.  stopped at sprouts diced dried pineapple.  dollar tree pizza and protein drink.  

lovely

my blog disappeared.  i swam at seniors 9 am, puzzled 'til 11:30 when Nodira gave me a cup of whip cream coffee and bag of chips.  i saw Brian in the parking lot walking to central asked me to join him.  i don't think so.  2 miles one way.  this is ca we drive.  

checked out sprouts zero.  

main returned book and renewed chrome+ for another 9 weeks.  stopped at safeway clearance Halloween glow bucket and purple spider clerk dropped wouldn't light until i dropped in car and it fixed itself.  i already had orange and green spiders last year.  

i went to dollar tree beef pot pie for salad, cheese crackers, clearance shower curtain, big cup, cord winder 50 cent each.  

i did a lot.

i've never eaten so much

i went to lucky's 11 am.  walked the store and bought cheese.  couldn't figure out gift card.    decided to shower at 24 saw ginny.  she wore a heavy backpack and complained of her back and neck.  i could see her problem she doesn't listen.  i let it go.

best thanks

2 pm home and rest.  napped 'til 4.  sliced mustard chicken.  put away 2 dinners.  40 minutes.

left 11:30 am to Safeway for sliced, grated cheese.  First Presbyterian no Flora mixed salad goat cheese, cranberries, walnuts.  ham, turkey, chicken.  rolls, real pumpkin pie whip cream.  mac cheese.  corn, peas.  stuffing, rolls, butter.  so good.  no Walter.  

St Clare opened dining music.  take away and cream cheese pumpkin pie.  looked for Walter saw Jane.  she's so perky.  back to First little bit of ham left, mash, corn, gravy.  still no Walter.  I hope he's happy with sister.  

living heaven 11/23/23 mustard chicken

i'm loving heaven.  i spent most of my life living according to my family.  what they wanted, not allowed to want for myself, choose what i want.  and today i'm relaxing, bills paid, no worries.  

i don't have to be anywhere, not disappointing or being constantly criticized by anyone.  

my family was hell.  i didn't know life could be otherwise.  i chose people in my life that were familiar, family substitutes.  i was always the consistent, responsible one.  i made life safe and secure for them.  i was the problem solver, the organizer never getting credit or respect.  jane thanked me in front of everyone at lunch for connecting her with the mexican chocolate she wanted.  i suggested the market and deli and she did the leg work.  my family and familiars always demanded i do all the work to fulfill their desires without thanks or even acknowledgment from them.  hell.

i'm loving my freedom.  i love feeling cherished.  the subliminal recordings on you tube are working great.

baked chicken sliced thick part coated spicy mustard 400 o half hour.

1963 jfk assassination

the first person i cared about murdered and the coverage in my face over and over no dignity and later his affairs and speculation the mob killed him for it.  and his affair with marilyn monroe her suicide, speculation she had an affair with bobby who was also assassinated.  such drama.  

fit perfectly 'though i didn't know it as a child with my own family history of suicide, betrayal, drama.

bed rest 2:30

 i'm processing holiday stress.  

i'm learning

i'm ok.  took good care of myself.  toki's better after resting the weekend.  trudy and kenny fujii ate with us.  and salome.   

stayed and  hilde so much left overs i got 2 patties.  

nob hill no potato salad left home bed rest 2 pm.

feeling borderline

i'm revisiting 1997 watching 'men in black.'  i've never liked will smith.  not as 'fresh prince' never.  

i'm still processing mom suicide trauma.  my body is reacting to nicotine lack.  smokers are shallow anxious breathers.  glad i have lozenges to make me a little calmer comfortable.  emotionally i want to run away doing.  i won't think or feel if i'm focused on doing.  hence workaholics.  and injuring myself is another way to distract myself.  i prefer movies and rest to process emotional fallout.

eating is another chemical distraction along with drugs and alcohol.  food takes the most discipline.  you got to eat.  

'men in black' marathon 1997, 2002.  i never watched the 2012 #3.  huh.  i wonder what was going on.

went to sunny library with returns.  checked puzzles, used coupon for an immense bag of movies.  i asked for link+ copy of 'pain free' for cracked one none anywhere.  oh, well. and she didn't give me attitude like men.  home 2:30 resting. 

chicken skin crisps b'fast-saw kimo, carole allen

microwave cooked chicken skin for 4 minutes.  

gregarious being part of the herd.  i saw brian 10 am seniors talked an hour dinner at churches.  i like going later.  I took my time at main noon book sale saw kimo.  bought bag of movies and ukulele books.

considered going to county 1 pm decided to line up for st just.  i could have gone and come back but i'm being 'normal' i think.  i thought about burger king lunch but i have seafood at home.  i bought faux fish and lettuce mix.  i'm so proud of myself lined up blogging.  chris is doing a terrible job.  an hour.  carole allen picking up too.

went smoothly to county picked up seasons 4-9 for 'raymond' marathon.  and i still feel well.  today anyway.

tomorrow sunny book sale.  maybe.  i can do anything.

my left arm is still itchy

almost 4 weeks and i'm still reacting to the vaccines.   

to do this week end:  collect freebies.  done.  pay discover.  done.  pick up, drop off hot spots books movies.  walmart pay pge buy fish oil.  pick up county sunday.  st just sat or sun.  my regular routine, no wonder i'm feeling tired.  i do a lot.  a human doing practicing being.  

lunch ok toki probably stress sinus headache not feeling well her eye op on my b'day.  diane is an opportunist.  she goes wherever she can profit sat with linda.    

i shall stay to see how many for bingo.  if many, onward to sunny.  the beauty of fry day employees leave early.  i won 2 x pink sweatshirt.  

picked up at sunny.  checked and charged hot spot home 4:30.  watched wheel.  pain free disc cracked.  pondered will wait 'til sun day book sale.  feeling upset anxious when life bumpy.

forgot my supplements yesterday, double today

definite energy shift.  in me and the planet.  pain free exercises are so easy yet i can feel them.  after swim diana always asks me if i swam.  after lunch i stayed to talk to salome they call her salami or shalimar, and hilde had tons of left overs i even got some after she gave to everyone else.  FATIMA donates her salads.  i don't know why she orders them.

feeling alright i did one 3 load wash for $3.75.  2 and 3 loads have the same price.  i moved very slowly and carefully.  At home i hung everything.  resting in bed by 2:30.  watching 'detectorists' 2022 i figured why i don't like dumb comedy.  3 stooges stupid humor is like watching a slow freight train falling off a cliff.  nothing i find interesting.  not my idea of entertaining.  stupidity is everywhere, i don't have to rent what is everywhere for free.

feeling neutral i need not worry

such an improvement.  

walter came by i got to counsel myself.  if i can save him from some suffering i've improved the planet.  

salad, tofu, lentils b'fast

weird i lost all settings, and headings are now pink.  lee came and talked to me about his phone at lunch asking about chrome, weird energy and then lhosa came and sat.  like cartoon vultures.  energy has shifted doom has lifted for now.  'pain free' book has the same balance muscles approach to healing.  researched 54 pages.

home 3 pm i ate veg balls, napped then dinner at 5.  i watched 'wheel' and 'everybody loves raymond.'  i requested the series from the county library for my next healing marathon.  tv kept my head above water.  kept me from drowning in depression.  gave me respite from my hellish family and what my family tradition was.  

achy breaky heart

1964-72 'bewitched'.  1996-2001 '3rd rock'.  i'm healing segments of my life.  1989-1972 years on my own.  17 years without the primary demons making my life hell.  i'm feeling and healing a lifetime of psychic sludge.  extra weight, burden.  

1989 they used dad's cancer to talk me into moving back as their slave and i did it.  shivers.  

after senior lunch waiting for my hair to air dry i'm pondering my bank deposit.  when and where.  i feel 8 years old cognizant of family ostracism.  lunch with eddie, toki, diane.  puzzle upstairs Francine stopped to talk, seems calmer.  maybe i'm calmer.  

1996-2005 'everybody loves raymond' my next marathon.  

went to merry deposit and sprouts double crust tart cherry pie and $10 clearance.  2 sprays, 4 roll-on scent, blueberry peanut butter, 2 drink mixes.  

i need something different

my lower back is screaming.  i'm still detoxing, coughing.  the more i sleep the better i feel. 

looking up phil and brynn hartman both connected to 3rd rock 1996-2001.  so sad.  i remember how much i was saddened and affected by their murder suicide 5/28/98.  suicide and alcoholism being my family tradition.  my mother threatening murder suicide, my hellish childhood.  my older sister insisting she deserved the abuse and my younger sister denying our childhood.  dis-ease is denial of reality.  i moved back in 1989 due to my dad's cancer diagnosis.  all 4 grandparents died of cancer in Hawaii.  

i keep forgetting the validity of my sorrow.  

i can't heal it 'til i feel it.  the basic premise of Louise Hay.  and Delorise Lucas sweeping away the dis-eased energy, remembering and using her techniques.

i'm sleeping and feeling tired and weak releasing the chemical memories.  i'm burning energy peeling off another layer of suppressed experience.  processing changing stored potential energy.  i'm feeling guilt another family induced layer.  

feeling waves of sadness

another layer of sadness like a tree ring exposed to healing light.  senior center 9 am.  still new doing what, when, where i want.  

picked up st just, paid city power online main.  spot not working.  took it to tech support he turned it off and on fixed it.  so i can wait on sunny spot.  stopped back at st j saw sidney and talked to gloria.  brother died besides being sick with mom and dad.  

i'm praying for all of us.

re watching 3rd rock 1996-2001.  i'm revisiting those years.  1:30 back home resting.  

the survival shortbread is delicious.  1200 calories.  

options, left 9:30- home 11

so many things i can do.  free soda, laundry, i love clean clothes, st just, banking, cost co, sunny library, etc.

picked up freebie, redeemed monopoly s n apple, clerk failed to enter points it's on him.  jr. burger king fries for lunch with salad so delicious.  i'm listening to my body.  no wonder we get dis-ease.  we torture ourselves.  we force ourselves to keep going when we can rest.  we don't listen to our bodies.  we're trained in childhood to war against ourselves.  

war becomes dis-ease, peace is health.

i can feel guilty that i'm not suffering.  the family tortured me to suffer.  i can still feel it.  i'm no longer numb.  it hurts.  watching walter i empathize.  

i just remembered i couldn't access wheel of fortune site last night.  remedied just now 1 pm.

watching jeopardy and wheel.  i cooked spaghetti in the quick mac with minerals.  delicious.  i was going to buy ramen and realized i have boxes of pasta i can eat.  takes longer to cook and tastes better.  

toki brought me 4 blueberry muffins

i really don't want the senior center.  i understand why others don't like it and why most limit time there.  if not for toki i'd skip it this month.  it's petty and boring, filled with unpleasant people.  eddie asked me not to talk to him when i asked if he was ok.  he was sad and depressed.  he looked sick.  dino was sick last week.  

i went to chase withdraw and considered the dollar tree.  i have all week.  

last week i felt so terrible.  it's good to feel good.  

seniors-this crazy place

arrived to announcement no hot showers.  so i visited with diana and inge.  checked in showers they hadn't shut off, nodira came in asking to let her know so they can shut off hot water, they hadn't started maintenance yet, just the signs.  i considered gym, wrong shoes.  i can go 24.  

lunch ok jane, susan, eddie, toki great.  went to main.  forgot green wallet.  bank tomorrow.  wrong books still 2 overdue.  

i don't want to do anything

i'm trying to understand people making a movie like 'very bad things' 1998.  so many good actors in a mean spirited, negative movie based on stupidity and sick morals.  

whew! cellular sent double bill.  online is accurate now.  and i paid citi in sunny picked up 'never ending stories' and bought sprouts salad.  i'm revisiting my past calmly consciously.  i'm wondering if i was infected eating store samples.  

the only tv i watch is wheel.

flu, booster shots mon 10/23/23 two weeks

i'm having a major 1972 flashback.  ex made me so sick with his diseases.  i ended up in emergency on sulfa for his many infections.  i was allergic and slept through the worst.  

feeling sad.  missing gerde and my deceased loved ones.  i'm mourning.  i'm consciously mourning my losses.  family always ridiculed me for having feelings.  

i showered at 24 picked up salty b king bacon swiss jrs 2/$5.  drove to toy parts bought 2 keys program a separate service so noon i called rescue Ron's daughter, Paulina 2-4 appointment at home.  i'll ask about front door although i'm not ready to deal with it yet.  it keeps the sisters away.  i'm so excited doing something new.  i feel excited like a puppy.  i went to cup and picked up requests.  i'm enjoying sitting in the car writing bills.  overcast and cool.  4:30 i called she's running late.  i ate other jr burger.  5-5:35 and done.  she said $125 for key program free trunk lock fix i wrote 150 for excellent service.  i told her she's my hero.  a self employed locksmith.  

bart here noon spraying weeds.  gave him $70 for Nov. 2 hrs.  saved me trip to drop off.

tested neg

quite a few steps.  like being in chemistry class.   i'm feeling better.  I'm still feeling tired and my back is screaming.  i'm doing more.  took out garbage and recycle for tomorrow pick up.  i'm stretching and resting.  my muscles are actually sore.  

epiphany-1:19 pm i'm making it harder for me.  my training has been to suffer.  

when i asked mom 1999 why she was so mean to me she said she was toughening me.  she pampered my sisters gave them everything they asked.  navigating the world is tough enough i need a family to love and support me.  my sisters are doing what my mom taught them; to abuse and humiliate me.  i used to choose people to abuse, humiliate, and make my life worse.  what was familiar family.  

i can chase after free things and/or have heaven come to me.  

sisters hate me in place of mom.  they hate her.  i'm just collateral damage.  mom used me as the scapegoat to avoid pain but it didn't work.  no matter what she did for my sisters they hated her.

confirmation-8:30 pm put garbage and recycle bins in street, 8:45 filled gas at cost co, on website opened 'til 8.  maybe 'cause a card i don't know just that i filled tank.  step one to better health.  70 degrees warm.  drove in filled tank home 9 pm.  i was prepared to return home if too crowded.

feeling better received covid test

eating, drinking, resting.  sleeping for most the day.  i made mac and cheese, added corn, tuna, yellow mustard.  just what i wanted.  

tried going out to car

9:30 am too tired.  brought in jujubes chinese granny gave me seniors last fry day.  ate them full of c and fiber.  

i loaded lucky's free 5-8 oz cheese.  not worth the effort to go get.  it's been fun getting free stuff but today there was too much effort.  i'd rather fill my car with gasoline and buy 2 car key copies.  I read the 'history of morgan hill' and 'valley of heart's delight'.  covers covid 19 2022.  huh.  i toasted a split croissant and topped it with hummus.  my appetite is back.  i haven't felt hungry over a week.

wow-i just remembered how bad i used to feel doing anything and everything.  2003 was hell.  i had surgery, my sisters were harassing me threatening physical eviction, i had to hire an attorney, shawn parr.  took 4 more years to get them off my back.  no wonder i'm still feeling depressed.  

i've never understood what drives people

my family tortured and abused me.  i guess they hated life.  they took it out on me.  no wonder i feel depressed.  my motivation has been avoiding pain.  doing the proper thing to avoid pain and punishment.  punishment was the only result i knew.  of course i feel depressed.  of course i feel sick.  

i have to return sunny book.  due tomorrow.  maybe, maybe not.  

facing the truth i feel better.  i got up to watch a 'love boat' i hadn't seen.  

toki called 6 pm to check if i needed anything.  she was just getting home.  

😃

toki called to let me know gerde died and she brought pasta and salad from senior lunch she left on porch.  i'm feeling so tired.  gerde is no longer tired.  she's happy.