couldn't sleep

new month?  new me?  developmental leap?  watched movies.   

my back and legs especially sore from cutting kiwi.  i forgot.  i was feeling depressed and weak when it's natural from the extra strain.  i'm ok.  whew!

third rock

the alien relationships are my family.  they are weird like my family without purposely hurting anyone.  i hoped my family hurt me by accident but i know they hurt me on purpose to diminish and control me.  poisons everyone.  

i finally watched avatar: way of water.  another tale of humans destroying a planet for greed.  only 3 hours of destruction and death.  i'm feeling disappointed.  the movie was an expensive ode to global warming.  it opens with humans torching the land.

lunch by jeanie

2 spam musubi crunchy in shell peanuts and blue/white crocheted scrubber.  she came early 8 am to senior pool like a private club only 3 people 3 pools.  she had entire 3 lanes of lap pool to herself.  left 10 stopped front of river mark safe way shopped clearance and sales.  late for library happy birds parrot show 300 people too crowded for me anyway.  3 movies mini book sale.  

having time and cool 67 degree covered parking i added registration sticker to car plate.  done and done.  so lovely relaxed now.  i was feeling so tense and guilty for having fun.

more rest to balance exercise

finished the monster puzzle, home 2 pm rested more and slept better.   

no lucky's freebie today feels weird.

back to waking 2-3 times- kiwi i cut back-no bartolo

3rd rock gospel music episode 'god is trying to call me.'  i did dream 2 nights ago about reflexology.  swimming most importantly feet massage message.

came home 2 pm noticed next door kiwi over grown roof took an hour to remove.  no bart this month.

watching 3rd rock

i'm remembering, re doing 1996-2001.  dad going into decline, dying 1999 and mom suddenly year half later.  alien orchestrated both deaths.  she took a month to set them up.  she manipulated their emotions playing them like puppets.  she used what mom taught her.  she got so professional with a lifetime of practice.  guilt will take care of my step sisters.  

i'm adapting and adjusting.  i started packing up for home 3:30.  i almost fell.  i was too tired and tripped into a wall or i'd have hit the ground.  i'm living and learning.

home

another hot day i swam, lunched, puzzled 'til 2 went to library 'til 5.   

being doing better

swam almost 2 hours.  feet feeling better.  2 eggs chili cornbread b'fast almost huevos rancheros.  left foot hurts in pool right foot hurts out of pool, my hip.  

today auto update automatic, huh.  puzzle area taken over for ceiling repair so i'm hanging out in computer room.  i could puzzle @ main and come back since open 'til 7 pm.  i found penny and shiny dime parking lot.  not my favorite spot.  oh, well.  

home at 4 jay leno, you bet your life.  

sleeping deeper

waking once a night is so much better than waking 4 or 5 times.  

i trimmed my nails.  at least once every 2 weeks.  when i was sick i didn't have to, never grew.  my hair too.  i've been using a leave in peppermint conditioner i found since swimming everyday dries my hair.  2 people asked me if i cut my hair, no.  i'm finally becoming grayer.  i used to love long nails, polishing, and manicuring.  I can't stand it now.  feels wrong.  

cooked de-boned chicken.  i'm pacing myself.  used back brace to collect rubbish put out bins.  i'm doing so much better taking care of myself.  retraining takes more thought and energy than learning.  

senior pool

sat too long playing bingo yesterday.  back + hips complained all night.  

soaked an hour feeling all better.  i do my best thinking floating in the tub.  i used the jets to massage my feet.  it's anti evolutionary to wear shoes all day.  we didn't evolve wearing shoes.  we spent all our time walking over uneven terrain.  exercising our feet all day.

went st j pantry pick up, looked through clothes then parked under central, organized groceries.  went upstairs and puzzled charged chrome filled water bottles.  1 pm feeling tired not hungry so busy doing.  drove home opened garage for groceries.  emptied car looked for chrome i left in library garage.  immediately drove back it was still there in front of sidney's suv.  i packed it in car went upstairs 15 minutes to puzzle calm myself down sidney came by saying he lost his flash drive with all his records.  he doesn't know if at seniors or library.  downstairs i asked if he checked his car, not yet.

5 years ago july i left my gym suitcase at seniors on harrison on the sidewalk distracted by a traffic accident and suffering depression from one year after eric tragically died.  i didn't miss it 'til the next day too late.  everything gone.  today a successful do over.  

lost my settings

chrome locked.  i disconnected charger, waited for battery to run down, shut it off.  i'm feeling more confident regaining tabs.  after hurting my back i knew my circulation was impaired.  i had a hard time concentrating.  i was very depressed too.

bingo!!  i set about winning a new wallet for new money.  so nice to be with pleasant people.  i decided i really don't like diane.  i don't have to.  hurray!  toki is a good buffer.  gerda gave me cookies.  she's getting stronger.  

anxiety is back-13 year marriage-parent care

26 years of my life.

walter talked at me for hours while i puzzled.  i explained to him over and over chickens are just not as interesting as he imagines.  he doesn't consider his audience.  he needs to journal.  he needs his own flock.  i understand he's lonely.  talking at people is not connecting.  he'll still feel lonely disconnected.  he's family.  if i can help him find his happiness i'll have improved the world and fulfilled my purpose.  even my becoming happy improves the world.

helping him helps me.

definitely better

arrived before 7 parked all day shade.   lucky store ad and safe way.  i decided to use della flip flop.  haven't worn in years.  my way of remembering.  

i just remembered overdue book.  oh, well there's tomorrow.  

7 am spot taken

so i parked all day shade.  now i have half hour before pool opens.  so wonderful to revel in the luxury of goofing off.  

i felt sad last night mourning another phase left behind.  this morning looking forward to new.

i make myself laugh.  i had nothing as a child.  i made my own life.  pretty good for an orphan servant.  i thought i was cinderella.  parallel lives.  except i never had parents i had mean big kids in charge.  and i hadn't the heart to torture my little sister.  made me feel bad.  cruelty hurts everyone especially the witnesses, the perpetrator, the victim.  

swimming was just perfect.  i've never felt this relaxed in my life.  everyone deserves to feel this good.  dentist easy.  cleaned paid for tooth 300.  puzzle central.  home 5:45 time i used to work macy's putting myself through school and college 7 half years, ex too.

third time

things have been falling.  spooky.  so hot could be expanding.  88-90 degrees.  so much for cooler today.  i could have gone back to pool open 4:30-6:30 new hours and wednesday.  so good to be massaged.  

toki thinks allulose too good to be true.  as henry ford said if you think it is or you think it isn't you're right.  

malfunctioning page 7-17

well that was weird.  it published itself.  and still malfunctioning.

recipes-allulose life is getting sweeter

vanilla cheesecake

beat 32 oz cream cheese 

1 cup and 1/4 sweet     

until fluffy

beat in 1-2-3 each eggs  add 1 Tbs lemon, 1 tsp vanilla, pinch salt

bake 350 o farenheit 40-55 minutes  cool.

3 ingredient cookies mix

1 cup nut butter

1/2 cup sweet

1 egg                     shape 15 balls fltten bake 350 o  12-15 minutes

ez ice cream

in jar with lid shake  3 minutes : 1 cup heavy cream, 2 Tbs sweet, tsp vanilla pinch salt freeze 4-6 hours

i must have had a stroke to my right side in 2014.  different symptoms hid event.  recovery is the same.  my entire right side is impacted and massage in tub revealing extent.  

listening to my body

dozing all morning.  thinking how many years i've forced myself to live others' demands and bullying.   i learned to judge and bully myself,  today i rest.

16 hours.

new page

the only way to avoid malfunctioning page to start a new one.  i'm almost done charging devices at sunny library.  picked up burger king chicken nuggets fries.  too sleepy to puzzle.  i'll fall over.  picked up 500 piece 20 x 20 lord of the rings puzzle.  book sale i found clean copy of new leaf walter matthau only one i really want.  richest person fewest needs.  finished puzzle home 5:30.

lovely pool at seniors

arrived 8 favorite spot.  finally found allergy tea.  looking 2 days now in gym bag.   happy, happy, happy.  i'm feeling so relaxed after hour tub massage.  detoured to yard sale spoons, plastic, pocket knife, sparkly mask.

, 

i could have gone st j pantry but i have lots lunch chicken.  library sale new copy fried green tomatoes and new features princess bride all i wanted.  true prosperity is lacking nothing.  i brought lucky cherries to cafe area.  i have to go sunny for holds.                                                                                                            wet towels great in this heat.   

happy bastile day

picked up lucky's freebie.  chips dollar more.  good cherries.  

lots leftovers lunch.  bingo won #3 choice t shirt.  

4 days swim

my body is definitely changing.  i'm feeling so tired and sleepy.  it could be the massive sahara dust storm.  another global warming effect.  just when the canada pollution is improving.  it's always something per gilda radner.  

i'm feeling very satisfied.  

i don't know, it all disappeared

and i'm still here.  i had a plan sprouts 8 clearance fizzy, lentil soups.  target pay bill, merriwest 9.  then new hours posted on door 10-5.  too long i went to swim.  lunch ok.  i was hungry 11 ate butter, pb, honey tortilla.  lunch ok, not good.  oh, well.  good company eddie early, gloria, toki, alex, salome.  

i'm sitting upstairs computer room resting digesting.  i have a plan for trunk.  puzzles into garage.  this weekend forecast hot we'll see.  

talked to sydney missed walter then walter was at nurses station didn't want to talk to sydney wanted to complain to me, i have no sympathy.  people have been avoiding him.  i've explained to him he doesn't want to hear it.  he's loyal to his past.  he may as well dig a grave, climb in and wait.  his father was a perfect example of chronic complaining.  

dollar tree bargains

23 goli calm 10 clearance.  found penny.  'everything' loaves at safeway.  withdrew chase, mission no link to account.  seniors sat waited 10 minutes for best spot.  swam 45 minutes.  found quarter another penny.  lunch ok company excellent.  

came home early to put away groceries.  feeling tired after walking stores and swimming.  forgot to buy frozen dinner at college safe way.  dinner can chicken, baked beans, corn.  dessert whole wheat tortilla butter, pb, honey.

charging chrome

i'm sitting upstairs digesting lunch.  i spent 2 hours in tub.  i'm feeling so good i have to guard myself.  so much popping and crackling.  neck feels so much better.  i want to move wisely.  

planted plumeria cuttings

already sprouted.  never so warm or late.  took an hour 15 to mix medium and plant both.  bart or something has broken so many ceramic planters.  the original plant is just starting to sprout.

i'm watching pure '80s dvd compilation of videos advertising mtv music.  such a range of imagination.  i was too busy surviving.  i worked 60+ hours managing 2 goodwill stores oakland and fremont always exhausted.

i can't imagine what i want for dinner.  

i'm feeling trough

i prefer the high.  i do love doing.  i'm practicing pacing myself the hardest part of aging.  when young and unlimited it feels so good to work to the point of exhaustion.  complete.  feels powerful, filled with power.  now i feel like a deflated balloon.  eh.  just accept it.  i want a cookie.  i deserve a cookie.  i used sardine oil to flavor omelet toasted bread for pb raw honey.

11 am i feel so good i got paper, tape for supplement list.  i haven't felt this much energy in years.  maybe at least 6 before eric died.  

waited for best spot

while waiting i paid city online didn't get a bill this month.

i ate too many pretzels last night and the hour sans back brace at seniors an hour my tummy upset.  walter effect of complaining and inge.  i must fortify myself.  

i played bingo i wanted assorted cookies and i won them hurray!  i helped gerde load her walker i felt so good 3 pm i drove to csaa per ron and sat half hour took 5 minutes to renew car registration and get sticker.  then still feeling ok i drove to lucky's no freebie coke bought chips $2.50 overcharged gave me cash refund.  collected freebie big lots sunscreen and bought 3 curry.  then citibank i paid bill.  i'm caught up.  

i ate entire tin smoked sardine with tasteless overcooked broccoli from lunch.  then 4 cookies.  chips.  

toki dropped off duncan hines cake mix and food she cooked.

happy thursday to me

next week starts extended hours.  inge figured it's the start of the fiscal year.  

i don't know what happened blog disappeared.  cody bookmobile came.  he's funny.  he insisted he was late when he was exactly on time.  he's usually 10 minutes early so he felt late.  

leftover chicken from lunch 5 x what i was served.  and tasteless.  maybe the kidney beans had the flavor.  

oh, walter.  he's having an infinite pity party.  he lost another rooster as i warned and has done nothing.  he said he wanted hens and now he's looking for sympathy from the wrong person.  he didn't get a harness leash from petco as i suggested, didn't train them to return.  i hope they don't get eaten.  they'll keep the yards bug free.

back to school

i'm looking forward to new hours next week according to newsletter.  pool open more hours.  hope for a better stronger me.  we'll see.  inge says start of new fiscal year.

i'm free

i'm exercising everyday just to stay mobile.   i feel like the white queen in alice running and running to stay in the same place.  aging takes courage.  it's depressing that death is inevitable and the only big event ahead.  oh, well.  i harvested washed drying allergy plant.  collected water bottles empty and full.  plumeria is finally sprouting.  both planted and sticks.  i'm planning potting allergy and plumeria plants.  i've done enough today.  i trimmed back the rose and tossed the spoiled.  i've already been productive.

freaked myself i didn't know what i did with sunday movies from cupertino.  weren't in the house, in car for 2 days.  

oh, i'm loving my freedom.  i may be old and moving towards eternity i can still enjoy the quiet.  i made ramen added lettuce salad seasoned with braggs amino.  delicious.

i'm feeling guilty for feeling guilty.  i'm so well trained in suppressing my feelings.  

dreamed walters jr, sr

mom told me auntie nancy named me when i wasn't frank jr.  i was rejected, neglected, abandoned by my parents at birth.  

dropped bart money reminder to double check clean up water off.  sprouts $21 clearance 9 wasabi almonds, 8 jack fruit, 4 pretzels.  seniors i parked in best shade.

good day or i'm feeling happy because i have tomorrow off.  lunch bad company good.  toki and 5 strangers, took out their table.  the half wrap full of red onions.  puny salad and alex gave me his lettuce.  leftovers i had taste of pork more sour raw onions i cooked at home.  the brown rice overcooked carrots cauliflower i mashed with fake tuna.  ok.  

firmly ensconced

sitting 10 am cupertino library.  i showered stretched @ 24, checked out dollar tree sunnyvale bought sunday paper.  they stopped during covid.  it was so clean and quiet.  it's usually packed.  clerk said unusual too.  i ate corn cob i brought.  i have sardines, etc.  i ate loaded muffin.

i love people watching.  i'm reading my tina turner.  playing quizzes and games.  if i could take nap perfection.  

my neck is so stiff.  new manifestation.  the heat and smog are making my sinuses borderline migraines.  my eyes are crusty blurry.  nam myoho renge kyo.  nam myoho renge kyo.  nam myoho renge kyo.  nam myoho renge kyo.  hey, it worked for tina turner it is working for me.

we're predators our eyes are in front.  we need vistas to rest relax our eyes muscles while reading.  we wouldn't need glasses.  we didn't evolve reading.  it's new behavior.

i'm crying feeling hurt

praying is releasing pain locked in my body manifesting as spiritual and emotional pain.  i'm leaving the past in the past.  

reading tina turner love story.  when you're hurting you don't have time to suffer you have to keep going.  you push your feelings down and get on with life.  you run fast run far.  i'm remembering a bullet hole in the bedroom door after a babysitting alien trip.  i haven't thought of him in years.  i got a letter today from pers regarding an information security breach.  memory triggers are odd.  i still have that queasy feeling thinking about him.

i keep forgetting my sadness has substance.