health hacks dvd from sunny library after 16 hours rest

i'm feeling so much better.  after all that cooking i'm eating as an empress.  and getting enough rest i emptied water and 6 yrs juice from car.  brought in canned groceries, put away.  

9 am watching concentration i'm used to 1-3 pm.  new season line up.

up since 5

i've arranged a do what i want day.  i had butter apricot jam bread for b'fast.  i washed prepped red potatoes to cook with corned beef.  expiration 8/23.  discovered gnats in herb, i put in freezer.  busy morning already.  

i'm feeling weird and floaty.  i was playing scratchpath game.  keeps being interrupted by ads so i stopped.  i'm waiting don't know for what.  i'm practicing patience.  i finally have a family i like.  

i remembered the big bag of spinach added to corned beef added 3 eggs, steamed half with garlic onion topped with swiss provolone.  

88 and 90 degrees summer is here

what a world.  i slept without tv.  i ate can of chili and corn yesterday.  new behavior.  i only woke twice.  i think it's the goli calm candy.  or maybe the chili.  staggs is like homemade.  

loaded free smart water went and bought 2 garbanzos and 2 pork beans.  4 spam.  seniors showered, charged and computed upstairs.  relaxed.  gloria brought 2 st j big bags washed organic spinach i gave one to alex.  gloria didn't want to leave her dad alone too long didn't play bingo.  i told trudy i would join her for half hour bingo.  stayed 45 she won $5 snack bar gave it to me.  kelly wright showed up too shy to play.  just made it to central library 10 minutes to spare returning combo.  

sale sign to church rummage hurrah!!  $45 for 2 new summer dresses, drink infuser, 3 rings, laundry rack, folding step chair ladder, movies, antenna stand, mini cannon, fake book box.  2 hours.  

home opened can corned beef.  chopped napa cabbage.  so good.  ate entire bag cinnamon donuts dozen dessert.  

calm 7:52 am-lucky fav food-chips

practicing is difficult.  i'm waiting for dollar tree to open.  bought more goli calm and c candy.  took it into cool gym locker.  

new behavior new be and have.  new me.  if i want a better life i have to be willing to be better.

I swam half an hour decided to rinse and wear shorts and tee for the bookmobile.  I forgot cody over at central park for earth arbor today.  oh, well.  new.  sf psych students wheel of fortune for emergency preparedness.  like we haven't lived with crises our entire lives.  gave me idea for motion detector light, insulate with plastic to break contact.  

i'm being my own mother.  getting the love support understanding i needed and never had.  maybe all heavy toddlers self soothing with food.

lunch sat at the front table with sydney and ed.  new behavior.

stomach stilll upset 3:30

garlic toast b'fast will fix it.  i hope.  running to the bathroom is a drag.  

i finally finished the fresh mozzarella from a month(?) ago.  sliced on toast.  so old turned to brie.  never buy that again.  

lunch ok i love my family.  went sunny picked up movies.  

playing mah jongg is helping me change focus.  i have to stay flexible to improve.

tim rooney

watching 'adam 12' mickey second son.  died of mystery disorder.  amazing how many die in their 60's.

seniors swam an hour seemed like forever.  i was so achy and sore.  and stretching and jet massage pain all gone.  broccoli  carrot slaw onions upset stomach.  nausea.  kept eating candy.  i remembered bed bath beyond bankruptcy closing took 4 calls using senior center phone to get remaining balances 2 gift cards $63 left.  after lunch i went found 2 a reds eye vitamins and $20 bath mat, 2 laundry bags.  used 2 coupons.  done and done.  great exercise walking store.  old store was too cluttered, claustrophobic.

At home i added 4 month cleaner to water softener, cooked fish sticks for dinner.

i'm still here

I must still have work to do.  no idea what.  i am changing the bummer energy here.  60+ years from 4 others.  playing continuously when home.  so i'm raising, improving planet energy.  I finished eating eh kevin's chicken for b'fast with excellent garlic toast.

went costco gas 9 am.  20.3 mpg.  back and stomach acting up.  right toe nail seems ingrown, something i experienced a lot as a child.  everything hurt until i determined food had a lot to do with how i felt.  i feel different so hopefully improving.  i'm living differently.  doing with love not fear.  after lunch i finished flower puzzle.

something about watching adam 12 reassures me and calms me.  

good day.  did what i want.

feeling blue

probably the inactivity.  sleeping and eating.  baby susan.  watching adam 12.  i finally figured my fascination i was denied my childhood.  i'm having it now.  

feels like summer.

already hot sweaty.  dream of 'rick' marcia rickman multi million dollar realtors showing their home overhead view walking large dog.  no idea where dream came from.

cooked frozen spinach cheese ravioli in toaster oven.  trying to crisp it.  cooked some in water with bragg boullion.  i like snacking with cole slaw.  

consciously resting is hard.  i keep thinking of things to do.  i can do 8 squats in a row then rest.  noon i watched 'white men can't jump' rosie-gloria wins jeopardy.  quirky movie.  

i'm bingeing adam 12.  so many i've never seen and so many guest stars i recognize.

we all do what we know or what's easiest

lucky loaded free biosteel and bought 4 sugar free flavors.  dollar tree bought 10 calm candy, glasses cord, scoped out full freezer.  

potato covered fish plenty left overs.  4 fish.  gloria asked me to bingo.  i went upstairs to puzzle for half an hour and forgot.  she came to find and remind me.  we played 'til 2.  i had calm goli candy in car trunk gave her samples to deal with parent care.  was a little melty i forgot to cover i hadn't planned on staying playing bingo.  dropped off 'spare' book at central main library.  home i rested in bed watching 'what about bob?' 'til 4.  still makes me laugh.  

i'm so much better at pacing myself.  

i was so sad and angry

i've processed.  i decided i'm going into seniors late.  bookmobile first then swim.  rebellion is a good thing.  i'm asserting myself.  i'm standing up for myself.  

i changed my mind, spirit got me to seniors at 8:30.  swam, then bookmobile and upstairs to read.  lunch ok.  everybody left i read.  hilda late with extra food 2 meat, dry refried beans, squash.  lots wasted.  upstairs i read.  went to central picked up new star trek and adam-12 1+2.   then home I rested in bed and finished reading 'spare'.  

5:30 feeling jumpy.  between whitney and prince harry i'm dealing with my feelings.  i don't feel as stupid since they kept loving and believing liars over and over.  that pain and disappointment causes suicide, self destructive behavior.  so scary i keep anticipating punishment.  decanting canned drinks to plastic bottles.  doing to distract myself.

'i wanna dance with somebody'

so hard to watch.  they treated her like crap until clive davis signed her then her parents took over her life and success.  they claim her 'gift' and decide to hold her hostage.  if they knew better they'd have been successful with their own talents.  

gloria reminded me of a free nrg drink today only.

wee bit too much

restless night.  finally watched 'all passion spent' entirely.  bringing in the bin too heavy.  next time i'll leave 'til morning to bring in.    

tried fixing glasses super glue didn't work.  taped it.  i did fix pink mesh swimsuit bag.  used ribbon to reinforce handle.  I swam an hour, upstairs i read, puzzle table used by deaf woman.  lunch tiny lasagna, garlic spinach was good.  lttle gloria, toki, alex.  upstairs i digested and man at the puzzle i read more 'spare' due 2 days.  

cupertino library-bartolo one bin

too much.  picked up movies, adam 12.  pete gave me his lunch after i gave the table cookies.  he was full of cookie i guess.  i filled all the water bottles.  trunk is full of wash and food.  maybe tomorrow.                        bartolo filled, put out one bin.  i put it in.                                                                                                           i was so hungry when i got home.  ate some leftovers and 2 pieces of pumpkin pie.  i'm satisfied with my day.   my feet are so sore something new.   

feeling

strange and new.  almost painful.  maybe everything new is perceived as pain.                        cooked 7 drumsticks oven and 3 in toaster.  puck oven so tender.  deboned meat.  cooked carrots potatoes puck oven hour 300.  4 carrots 4 pots too much needed half more.                watching 2021 musical of p g wodehouse 'anything goes' 1930's life.  i'm considering going to sunny and county tomorrow.  returns and holds.  i could go sunny today open 6.  county 2 days.                                                                                                                              HERE TODAY billy crystal movie.  trailer on 'otto'.  3:30 wore pj's to sunny relaxed no problem checked in combo picked up hot spot.  i knew they lied telling me they always waited 3 days to check in.  water filter down couldn't fill bottles.  relaxed ate potatoes and carrots chicken skins.  pumpkin pie dessert.                    

up to rebellious teen today-8:16 remembered A's b-day

wounded child time travel.  i suddenly remembered without pain, anxiety or dread.  i don't feel doomed.  OMG i'm healed!!  A MIRACLE!!  i'm celebrating with fish sticks for b-fast.  

i'm giving myself 45 minutes to dress.  i decided st j and central.  

i think i figured it out.  do a little then rest the same amount of time.  i honestly don't know how to work and live without exhausting myself.  making myself sick.  family heritage.  

picked up st j, cooked and ate pepperoni bread pizza.  feet immediately swelled in my shoes.  oh,well.  soaking asparagus.  put everything away.  basking in the goodness.  central had sale i bought 12 movies/ $9.  i'm spending money.  

my childhood wounds.

not having love every disappointment feels like spiritual death.  the idea of zombies.  bodies without a soul.  terribly wounded people infecting others with their disappointment and pain.  turning others into zombies.  soulless bodies wandering the earth.

i'm forcing myself to sleep.  i'm purposely resting.  taking care of my toddler self.  consciously fulfilling my needs.  i know i'm right by the knot in my stomach.  from discomfort to growth.  i was born and raised to care for my dying parents.  reading prince harry's 'spare' i was a spare tire kept in the trunk in case of emergency.  i wasn't allowed feelings.  i wasn't loved or supported.  i had to rely on myself.  i wasn't a human being to them.  to them i was a zombie body without human needs.  explains the abuse, humiliation, lack of support, entitlement.  

checked dollar tree and sprouts seniors good.  glad to have toki back.  without her i don't want to go.  puzzled upstairs 'til walter came by with minnie chicken acquired 2 chicks.  lamenting not having them before he wouldn't have been able to care for them as well.  i went back to sprouts for new chips and bakery special $1.99 pumpkin pie.  dollar tree $21 most i ever spent.  8 vienna sausages, 2 egg rolls, 4 fish sticks, pizza, butter pecan, relax candy, poster clay.  eating like a queen.  

bookmobile today!

i love having it come to me at seniors.  easy to know what i'm feeling in the quiet.   

8 am time for seniors.  first homestead for everything bread.  sprouts another rye everything bread and clearance chips.  woo hoo!  swim after bookmobile so relaxing i could sleep some more.      lunch taco al pastor ok, glad i have corned beef and mash at home.  quarter cup pork on raw corn tortilla, dry refried and green beans.  mandarin orange and fatima's panettone dessert.  amazing institution food.  little gloria and alex.  noon what to do.  puzzle and rest.                       home 2 pm started to read 'spare' fell asleep.  still detoxing a lifetime of nicotine.  i don't know what i want i know what i don't want. 

opportunity

my energy is normal.  relief.  i loaded free safeway donut.  checked homestead walked store tried 1 oz rosemary turkey stick blah.  over to college bought old fashioned so 2.  yay! me!  seniors 9 am.

my horoscope says play.  behind the times.  i ate banana snack about to go in.  ate one and a half donut.  i showered, stretched, worked out playing on puzzle table.  lunch good soup bland chicken, cauliflower, peas carrots, pineapple bits again.  toki reminded me she's going to a funeral tomorrow back fry.  alex and diane.  little gloria visiting other tables.  after lunch upstairs to puzzle and digest.  finished charging chrome 1:30.  

home trimmed sliced brussel sprouts to cook with corned beef.  made instant mash.  so good.  microwave liner saved tray from boiled over milk water.  added smart balance from lunches, yummy.  5 pm decided i wanted apricots cobbler.  found the last can.  preheated toaster oven 350.   made pancake batter, drained and heated apricots.  sprayed pyrex, added batter, carefully spooned in hot halves, baked for 45 minutes.  sprinkled stevia erythol grains blend.  delicious.  ate 2 pieces.  i can make pineapples and peaches too.

seniors 7:30 am

doing what i want.  swam hour and half playing water park.  diane early too.  i like letting jets in tub exercise me.  i remembered to share bunion info on foot massage.  went upstairs to puzzle slowly and surely.  i'm pacing myself.  lunch good gloria showed up i remembered to share info about mouth guard from big 5 sporting goods re teeth grinding.  toki, alex, little gloria sat elsewhere.  quite the social butterfly.  ron came early for a change.  after lunch i puzzled digesting the experience.  college safeway had eggs, drinks, cheese.  added up fast.

home sweet home put things away.  mom and dad hated home.  because of us?  using stockpiled canned goods.  cooked quick pasta, asparagus with chicken aka king.  restful peace.

life with mirrors

peace and quiet.  without them we need people.  the people in our lives are mirrors.  we choose our reflections.  i am blessed with respectful caring reflections.  that's all we need to thrive.

i'm so glad i sent cathy and aunt tomie daily word books.  we share the same perspective with hundreds of thousands maybe millions of others.  we are changing the planet, the people, our history for the better by changing our focus to a brighter world.  

went carlos check engine light reset.  he agreed bad gas brings it on.  suggested chevron shell.  9 i took care of books renewed @ mission branch library, filled water bottles.  seniors i waited for space to open.  lunch good gloria, toki, little gloria, alex.  ron came very late sat at late table with salome.  1:30 home i enjoyed.  

9:20 bed.  i just realized mom and dad hated staying home.  resented home.

success

yesterday i accomplished checking big lots, no st just pantry, returned and picked up movies at central and county.  cooked asparagus and carrot added to pea soup, toasting garlic bread, taking good care of myself.  i guess i'm the best at taking care of me.  my hips and legs are extremely sore.  i made a point of walking carefully watching my posture and alignment.  bad exercise is worse than no exercise.  

got cabbage from car trunk.  chopped with canned corned beef.  just what i wanted.  mom's hawaiian corned beef and cabbage.  i feel differently.  i can't describe it.  eating chocolate, almonds, playing all day.  

charged phone found v mail cathy reminded me happy Easter.  returned call she's standing outside waiting restaurant 3 pm dinner with friends.  i'm so glad, she's so brave.  generous loving.  she likes company i like a few people.  i can manage senior lunch, dinner would be too long.

a happy childhood

or tomorrow being Easter a hoppy childhood.  never too late unless you're dead.  even then  who knows? 

  i spent most of my life afraid of doing the wrong thing, cowed and intimidated, holding my breath with fear.  that's behind me.  occasional flashbacks, the body uncovering a forgotten bit of memory stored chemically in the tissues waiting to be released into the bloodstream.  the suicides in good times not understanding 'and this too shall pass'.  i just again watched 'the bookshop' released 2017 october after eric died june.  no wonder i'd forgotten most of it.  i was in shock.  i'm still missing him he's still dead.                                                          watching 'easy to wed' 1946 van johnson, lucille ball, esther williams, keenan wynn, cecil kellaway, ben blue, june lockhart etc.      

           

sarah starr happy yoga bloom

another discovery on a tv station i don't get over air.  i want to go to lucky's for freebie cheeseballs, i haven't the oomph.

8:30 am found the energy.  lure of 97 cent asparagus as good raw as steamed.  and $1.99 lb strawberries almost as fresh as $1.48 lb safeway.  so delicious.  waited 15 min for big lots to open still no seasoning passed on colgate teeth strips  10:30 home after paying costco citibank and checking bills.  i've eaten half 14.5 oz of cheeseballs.  

5:40 i've never eaten to my heart's content before.  so satisfied.  i didn't soak it long enough still sandy.  

pele's wish 2005

feeling a dearth of love i looked for sondra ray 'i deserve love' my first self help book.  looking online i have a plethora of adventures to peruse.  she's been to india, italy, hawaii pele's wishes.  

i forgot it's thursday bookmobile.  cody brought combo i returned all.  saved me a trip to central.  

i forgot Easter.  senior, city closed tomorrow sunny, county open.  free day tomorrow.  laundry, st just?  sleep?  at this moment i'm panfree and loving it.  

diane and little gloria chose to sit elsewhere for lunch.  just means their heaven is different.  alex, toki, me.  next table empty 'til noon latecomers.  salome came noon disruptive and complaining.  

done and done

stayed played on puzzle table.  only veg leftovers 12:30.   my upper back screaming.  i stayed and played stretched.  home 3 to watch and put away free safeway chips and clearance bread.  i'm feeling so tired.  i'm going to continue detoxing power through the exhaustion.  i loaded car with chrome and wash.  i'm ready.  when i get the urge it will be easy.  

lovely

10:30 swam hour i'm feeling tired and relaxed.

Yesterday i was terribly blue.  i'm mourning my lost childhood and all the other children.  i have to forgive sisters and parents.  we were all cheated.  i considered cancelling lunch but i had to drop off bart$.  tax clipped to mail box i felt i was doing something good i did my taxes last month.  freshly inspired i detoured to chase bank and the deposit mission cu.  banking done.  

i'm digesting 'lovelace'.  like 'all passion spent'  scratched and skipping.  food for thought.  ex marriage sick.  he insisted we see it in the pink poodle san jose dump.  i seemed to be the only woman in the sleazy sticky dump.  the men wore rain coats.  shudder.  i didn't find it at all humorous.  more humor less.  dumb and demeaning all around.  1972 the year we married.  then 1979 we drove way north for 'caligula' another depraved demeaning dehumanizing film.  we met his coworkers.  sick.  no wonder the world is sick and polluted.

sleeping to 'puss in boots: last wish'

i finally have bedtime fairy tales.  watching tv families made me sad.  i can make it for myself.  

11 am feeling terrified.  my free floating anxiety.  suicide cause.  i can understand robin williams, naomi judd.  it's feeling for an insensitive world that is hell bent on turning paradise to hell.  there will be no earth to inherit.  i take deep breaths wait for it to evolve.  i don't know if it makes me weaker or stronger.  

i have 3 chrome playing healing surround.

getting enough rest

the earlier in bed, the longer i can sleep.  i'm more relaxed and rested.  entropy in action, an object at rest.  used to be the opposite i'd be rested and raring to go go go.

i'm having flashbacks of 8 years bedridden.  lying in all the family induced fear.  a lifetime of pain and torture.  and all my relationships were recreations of my horrible family.  i'm not feeling happy, my stomach upset.  

remembered to write out life insurance by 10 am in time.  cleaning here and there.  i'm enjoying the house.  cooked frozen veg defrosted cooked chicken.  i've decided to eat what i want without reservation.  everything in my life has been calculated against a measure of doing what's right or convenient not what I want.  no wonder so few of us are healthy.  we don't have experience with what's good for us.  

i read the internet arguments about kid's b'day parties i can't relate when i never had one.  my sisters did.  growing up this way it was just normal.  it hurts me now i realize how i was disrespected, unloved.

6 pm watching '8 billion angels'  yeah ,yeah, yeah parasite man is killing the planet.