processing my unhappy childhood

i'm feeling the past.  i'm releasing the chemical imprinting.  it's exhausting.  fighting ghosts.

i have a plan for today.  the beauty is i can do whatever i want.  i'm feeling responsibly free.

i want to return hot spot, recycle inge's bottles and have fun.  i think i'll start with soak and stretch.  i took out garbage.  mom always made it such a Herculian task.  

paid allstate home ins by phone.  i started for gym, suddenly detoured, recycled trunk $1.88 and here i am seniors news team in the cold interviewing seniors so i paid bill.

don't know how i've survived

God i suppose.  i'm babying my body.  my back is so sore and my right temple feels on fire.  i cooked enough food fry day for the weekend and the burratta is bland to last me.  i'm binge watching the first season of '3rd rock from the sun'.  kept my spirits up 1996 taking care of the parents.  

i may be able to stay up and watch 'all creatures..'   last two sun days i've been too sick and tired asleep by 8.  staying in bed and resting 2 days really helps.  

very satisfying watching 'all creatures'.  

burratta very bland.

i'm trying to like it.  i cooked potatoes and carrots with the shredded chicken and cheese.  with the white balsamic delicious.  i had 2 pieces lemon zest cake from sprouts slept an hour sugar coma.

loaded my freebie 20 oz starry

picked it up and clearance boneless skinless chicken breast $1.53 $6 off.  at gym went for soak stretch at 24.  packed chicken in icy drinks in the car trunk.  an experiment.  i'll cook for weekend.  worked great.  library closed 2 i put everything away and nuked the chicken with dry mustard and leftover coleslaw 3 minutes high 35 minutes simmer.  perfect tender.

unlearning

harder maybe than learning.  definitely harder.  the hardest part is the heart ache of knowing the family conspired to deny my life, negate my existence.  still makes no sense but it was.  and now anything is possible.  i gave Joanie brown and navy scarf and she loved its 'perfection' but maybe she would have said that about anything.  my self doubt is never being good enough for family.

b'fast? what i want.  there's always the doubt of the best thing.  today i practice clearing doubt.  fear of condemnation criticism.  and i'm committed to waiting half hour to digest.  

i love having 2 laptops and going to whichever is handy.  it's like magic.

i feel solid

i like how i feel except for feeling tired but that's 'cause this weight is constant weight lifting.  i could force myself to rest more.  when i rest for 10 hours or more i'm excellent.

20 minutes = 3 % of the charge.  i love facts.  i probably could have been a scientist.  i suppose i am a partial christian scientist.  a scientist looks for consistent repeatable results.  

this week i've been clearing vampire sites from privacy settings.  for the first time i'm warned when memory space is getting overloaded.  parasites from linked sites i use.  the chrome crashes are explained.  not me the vampires killing the host.

wearing joanie's boots

lovely warm feet.  good lunch toke, diane, alex, returning senior.  relaxed main puzzle filled water.  home early looked for buttons.  changed plaid hoodie.  i'm feeling mellow.  i ate bean stew and toasted croissant.  

i spilled choc almonds and simply cleared it up.  didn't feel upset.  

despite the violence i'm ok.  i sliced the olive cheese loaf toasted a piece with white balsamic so delicious.  

back to regular

 

sitting enjoying seniors

and the engine light is off.  it came on after i filled gas yesterday.  i tried opening and closing gas cap to equalize pressure.  this morning it had turned itself off.  i've been parking for morning sunshine.  seniors very relaxed.  genie gave me pink crocheted lap and afghan and white fairy skirt.  i can wash full load and wear tomorrow.  then Joan gave me plastic dish for bean stew and Jess gave me extra.  Diane brought leftover chocolate cookies.  yay!  dinner.  main i returned and borrowed movie.  home 2:30 i sliced croissants to toast so good with soups and stews.  Toke, Alex and Ron.  my lovely family.  

woke i'm stuck here

making the best of it.  happy healthy wealthy wise.  my job not done.  i'm blessed to have tools to make me more comfortable.  marooned.  what an odd word wine colored.

i don't remember it ever being this cold.  or maybe i used a heater.  probably.  

feels so late.  i've done so much.  filled gas engine light on.  waiting for it to go out.  right back ribs sore.  went ark panera bacon souffle and steak sandwich.  finished one gift card.  home i ate and changed.  lay in bed digesting.  felt like sunny book sale gym half hour soak stretch feel great.  found new book bag bought $3 bag totally filled with movies and sewing book.  2:30 i feel a full day.  finished 1 puzzle.  watched Peter Jackson Beatles "Get Back" a mammoth undertaking.  

i'm enjoying junk food and paying the price.

i ate the Nori peanuts so good.  my stomach i.e. my back protesting.  i finished the chicken for b'fast and lunch.  i was motivated.  st just i found 2 silk blouses one L/S polished cotton shirt.  i made it to library i day coupon for 'mending' book.  has clear directions and illustrations.  my feet sore went home 1:30.  

i toasted arugula to add to soup crunchy topping.  i toasted last piece corn bread.  delicious.

i'm amazing.  i'm still alive.  after all the years of carrying my family.  i found little blue Louise Hay heal your life finally.  i knew i put it safe spot.  i put it back in journal.  

paid discover

seniors good.  Gloria 2, Toke i thanked for dozen croissants, Alex, Diane, Joanie, Ron.  walk about upstairs Gloria 1 ok just very busy.  i went to gym to let toke and diane know, trudy exercising too.  looked up freebie none at Sara lucky's, clearance 2 cordon bleu $7.03 reduced to $3.03 i packed in ice cold water bottles in trunk.  stopped homestead Safeway no chips.  oh, well.  Lawrence lucky's free 'next' oatmilk.  i hadn't planned on stopping.  on to maria Safeway i found clearance olive Parmesan bread no chips.  feeling tired i forged on to gym 2 Safeway.  my feet slipping around in boots wrong socks.  walked store blue satin Xmas mini sock to go with red velvet 't' monogrammed mini Xmas sock $.28.  Hurrah!! Tim's unsalted chips i can go home.  stopped sprouts on the way nori peanuts, 2 clearance dessert tamale.  idea for white willow.  

using both laptops

 i worried about the electromagnetic fields then i forgot.  i'm going back and forth.  i like back up.  

8 am.  fell asleep from pain.  i over did yesterday.  i can feel it now.  no pool i can relax take my time bookmobile.  

9 am my back and stomach better.  seniors i waited for bookmobile and Cody.  showered lovely lunch.  bought unsalted chips and clearance water Saratoga Lucky's.  picked up mending book main after walking Ross and Safeway.  i feel exercised.  took my time main charging all 3.  actually Lenovo bigger screen easier to read.  puzzle completely trashed again i'm resting feet up.  

thought i'd lost it.

somehow blog pages were diminished and i could enlarge it.  usually i freak out.

i went to Safeway for internet to add a freebie 'perfect' snack bar.  picked it up and proceeded to seniors.  i'm enjoying exercising again.  The pool doesn't feel like exercising.  i'm stretching my neck a lot.  my twitchy eye feels better.  

i brought the hot spot back to sunny and she took off back wiped off the battery, reinserted and it works again.  francine gave me 2 300 piece puzzles i took to sunny completed one left the other.  i gave her dolly parton/james patterson mystery book.  i've had it in trunk 6 months.  i have dry laundry to fluff and fold and bag of recycle clothes.  

i need love

i sleep to escape this world.  i want to stay asleep in heaven.  i'm tired of energy vampires.  people who don't give love only take.  people want money and things = another form of energy.  energy converted to another form.  you can exchange money for another form of energy.  our bodies do fusion and fission all the time everyday.  we're atomic energy dynamos.  each and every one precious.  

i dreamed of karaoke.  doing the shows setting up was the easy part.  taking everything out.  putting everything back was harder.  making sure things were in their place.  

today geri showed up to dj dance party at seniors.  i have dental at 2 and i want to check sprouts for chocolate almonds.  i have half an hour.  walked the store and looked on the shelves.  i couldn't believe dark chocolate cranberries $6.99 down to $.99 save $6.  i called over young man filling bins asking to borrow his eyes.  4 left exp 1/20.  and so delicious.  even tastier than almonds.  

the extra virgin olive oil is working.  The dentist said like i just had my teeth cleaned no plaque.  not even 20 minutes.  i went over to the main library and the puzzle was trashed.  oh, well.  too bad no respect.  probably the 3 young unsupervised mex kids.  i saw them trashing puzzle b 4.  not my job.  

10 pm my back ribs are so sore.  ready to relax kava.

i must remember to load safeway freebie.  no internet.  maybe 24 wifi tomorrow or lucky's or safeway.

not hungry

i need to eat.   protein bar.  i do my best to be responsible.  my life has always depended on being responsible.  i'm so tired.  i've spent a lifetime in fear feeling anxious.  no wonder i'm exhausted.  i could never trust my family to care for me I still can't.  i have never had anyone but my grandma, my jealous mom gave me to sister alien so she hated me.  she had no childhood either.

i've been lying in bed stretching.  i'm usually too tired to stretch i just lie here.  and i keep napping and dreaming.  lovely.  feeling rested.  well that didn't last long.  i'm usually running around doing to avoid feeling.  like workaholics alcoholics any-holics running from scary painful feelings.  eating changes chemistry and feelings so a country of obese avoiders.  we have to eat to survive.  mom was always overweight dad boney.  no balance.  i have to find my own healthy happy way.

ready to rise feeling blessed

i've been processing my feelings.  autists feel more.  so many congested feelings we become immoilized.  like a traffic jam that goes on for years.  i've learned to focus on what i want not what I want to avoid.  no one explains how to create only how to destroy.  

b'fast i retrieved avocacado from the car trunk and made an omelet topped cheese.  2 bread.  

sins of the fathers are always paid by the children.  i've been watching 'elvis'.   A very long movie covers how elvis was impacted by the world's turmoil and america's tragedies.  i didn't appreciate who he was i only knew he was a very unhappy man making others unhappy.  2 half hours of pain.  i think i always knew how his life would end.  like the kennedys and mlk tomorrow his day.  

i found the bag of choc almonds and my second phone charger.  hurrah!!!

i baked mix cornbread cardamon milk.  

drove all over

feeling ok despite yesterday losing bag of choc almonds somewhere i think sunny library last place i ate some.  i went to library retracing steps then sprouts in case something more.  i drove to 2 safeway for free seltzer.  11 am i picked up pantry told i can pick up 3 x this month.  3 pm i left big box veg for sunny home free.  too much for me.  no pastry.  i checked out puzzles and walked all over in my pj's and slippers.  60 degree weather too warm for regular clothes.  joanie has inspired and given me permission.  

recovered settings chrome locked i turned off and reset.

pinched my left hand in cart handle.  second injury this week.  releasing old pain.  becoming more myself.  

lucky 13

i feel blessed.  i have my jonathon livingston seagull flock finally.  richard bach erred that we find our flock.  we create the circumstance to let them in.  they're all around us.  i love the bravery and enthusiasm.  joanie is a gragarious person.  brenda came from the deep south.  i can't imagine her ordeal nor do i wish to dredge it up.  ron and alex's parkinsons a blow to the ego.  toki keeps putting one foot forward and doing thoughtfully for others.  i so admire the soldiers.  

charging hasn't moved still 22 min 20 minutes ago.  maybe i was mistaken.  i want to go to panda.  i'm going.  went to be ignored waiting to pay.  food ok portions shrinking still.  won't go back to that one.  2 others in town.  

aspergers

went to the dollar tree 8:30 closed go figure.  i'm confused easily.

i just got when people ask how i am it's being polite.  i still have to be totally honest or get a stomach ache.

i understand hilda, jennifer, heather are being predators nothing personal in their persecution.  my family too.  not being human acting from animal nature.

sitting in the parking lot after lovely lunch called carlos beautiful day sunny warm not ready for indoors.  he has time to check the air pressure sensor.  the right front is bad not crucial to function.  when ready he recommended A1 tires + wheels on ecr.  ask for happy tell him from carlos.  i checked yelp.  

while he answered his phone i called and rescheduled the dentist to afternoon 2 pm.  how easy was that.  i considered going to sunny vale opted main.  after i was finished puzzling for the day i stopped at dollar 2 fish sticks, last burrito, butter pecan and meat loaf mash.  line diminished quickly.  home at both fish cooked in the toaster oven 12 oz 24 sticks.  delicious just what i wanted.

woke feeling terrified adult

no dream.  just awake.  ray bradbury wrote 3 am is the best time to know one's own thoughts.  the least psychic static energy.  i never even questioned it.  he spoke at Gavilan Hills jr college when i was living in Gilroy.  could be residual energy.

i loaded free artisan safeway bread homestead computers down i feel sorry for clerks standing in cold turning people away.  and college no product.  oh, well.  v mail silicon eyes appt next week.  i'm thinking.  

i feel i want to cry.  i feel angry and sad.  so much pain and injustice.  useless and pointless.  everyone feels as i do or everyone would be happy healthy.  and we're not.

everyone showed up at lunch.  lovely.  i called homestead open i went to sara lucky's bought 4 clearance water tried lime delicious and sweetener 99 cents.  homestead free and clearance olive bread yum.  i puzzled at main and pondered my life.  i could lie here pondering forever.  so comfortable.  'releasing guilt' on you tube playing.  

woke feeling lonely

i'm so blessed to feel.  may not be fun, better than being numb feeling nothing.  woke with my right pinky ring finger stiff tingly my thumb seems numb.  right eye twitchy.  i think it's my right shoulder and neck are so tight.  

the pools were closed 'til 9:30 fear of lightning strikes and electrocution.  seems grounding would be part of construction code for public buildings.  

heather mcallister left a flyer for me on 'not saving seats.'  just me.  taped to back banquet tables.  i don't argue with the stupid or insane or both.  i was going to sit at the last round table 'til i noticed the flyer.  made me feel special, printing one copy and taping it.  i showed it to everyone.  i'm saving it and documenting jennifer had heather delivering meals while jennifer checked in people at the front table.  i wouldn't have noticed but jennifer kept staring at me all the way across the room.  i'm off the hook.  they did me a favor.  i showed everyone the flyer i won't save seats.  easier for me.  less responsibility.  i can show up when i want i'm as free as a bird to sit where i want.  heather and jennifer are my crazy sisters.

i don't feel lonely now.  i have my flock, my peeps.

i felt energized and wanted to wash clothes despite the rain.  went between downpours.  i used 2 plastic bags instead of one basket and it worked great.  i put the towels in the dryer too many to take too long i put them in the car and rested recharged at main.   stopped at dollar tree last 2 frozen burgers.  no line a miracle.  planned on leaving if the usual line to the back of the store.  

home i brought in bags one at a time.  i could have left them overnight.  i had the energy to hang all at one time like the old me.  i cooked one burger added to mound of cooked veg.  

harry's feeling sadness

i understand perfectly.  when told how and what to feel growing up it's difficult as an adult to sort out appropriate accurate confusing feelings.  william has been allowed to act out his feelings while harry spare second fiddle has been manipulated to better control him a replay of the grandfather and granduncle.  the press is confused.  king edward 8 was pro nazi and abdicated believing he could get away with whatever he demanded having been raised as king while his brother george 6 stepped up because he always did what he was told.  and died of cancer unexpressed anger.  i'm sure ed 8 expected people to rise up and insist he be king.  he must have been surprised.

my feelings pop up when my unconscious feels safe enough to express.  harry wasn't safe in the palace.  he was the spare, extra, expendable.  my family did everything they could to sabotage my life not because they were terrible people but they were living from a script.

harry is breaking with tradition and is labeled a traitor to royal secrets.  of course they hate him for telling the whole truth.  harry doesn't want meghan to die unhappy like his mother.  chooses not to see history repeat itself.  the too human habit of creating a scapegoat for the blame game.  how many times i heard from different members of my family their life would be perfect except for me.  like i had that much power over their lives.  basically wishing me dead.  like diana like meghan.  while camilla smells like a rose?  i don't think so.  she's a homewrecker/adulterer.  and queen elizabeth must have known charles cheating on diana the entire marriage or wouldn't have agreed to divorce.  that's the shame.  the prejudice.  the inner circle the outer circle.

banana b'fast

i found one more burger in freezer ate banana while i waited cooking.  just what i wanted.  then my programmed paranoia kicked in and i had a vision of food poisoning.  

i'm discovering extra  steps i can skip.  all due to the euphoric feeling of power.  i'm considering today.  Yesterday there was nothing i planned i just did.  syntax spell check is amazing.  i just click.  

tv added awe+ all luxury channel.  million and billionaires.  

people criticize meghan and harry wanting to be the difference because most celebrities just celebrate enjoying the wealth not caring about anyone or anything else.  that's why the crown hated princess diana and did everything possible to diminish her.  when people can't demand love they settle for instilling fear.  that's how the crown tried to control diana, harry, meghan.  i know the dynamics i've lived the dynamics.  1) queen jealous of son no one good enough.  2) camilla whore queen's blackmail tool to influence charles.  queen's projected fears re phillip.  3) major contributor to their divorce and diana's anorexia.  4) replay of wallis simpson.  contrl manipulation issue.

stood in line dollar walking in joanie's boots. sat day

s'wonderful so busy ensures success.  bought mustard, balsamic, garlic powder.  line too long for frozen.  considered st just pantry don't feel like hauling sorting food.  i cut left hand on something.  no laundry even 'tho dry.  

came to main to renew but 'secret' long line.  under parking still closed again.  saw on chrome sunny hotspot held.  renewed cd stopped panda cash only found dime left.  borrowed using hotspot.  sunny found nickel.  left 4:30 just started raining.  i still want chow mein.  later.

i had b'fast soup feeling good wearing brace.  so sleepy.  nothing on tv.  

reading is still my favorite.  takes so much more energy holding the book than watching movies.  this coding chrome i can put replay on healing.  so relaxing.  

i'm using coding chrome

not supposed to be able to connect internet on this chrome and yet here i am.  hear i am.  i like playing with this.  it has a very advanced spell check.  knowing the difference between here and hear.  i mentioned internet access to megan as she was passing she signaled shhh...

today i have 2 chrome.  i went to lucky's in store wi fi i added free yogurt.  passed on gym straight to dollar tree mini mustard and maple syrup only quarter.   was tired after seniors went main to pick up requested 2 chromes.  or i would have picked up frozen and minis at dollar tree.  tomorrow.  

no rain no combo

and i'm ok.  lunch lovely.  toke hates exercise so do i it feels so good when i'm done.  i'm journaling  old school.

dreamed of phone call with della

mid conversation she cries out drops phone.  spilled her coffee.  i was afraid i'd have to call police for wellness check.  reminded me of sis alien.  all the years i talked her lonesome self to sleep.  babysat her for weeks when her husband visited his family colorado she refused to go.  i feel so relieved i don't have to answer to anyone.  i'm not responsible for anyone.  tom tried to make me take care of the sister he was living with in her house.  wanting me to entertain her.  she has nieces for that.  he just wanted to keep tabs on me.

i have yet to do my banking and i'm comfortable with it.  less comfortable giving up combo.  don't have to i want to be responsible.

time for b'fast / feels impossible

heated p chop veg 1 sweet sour.  dropped off bart $70.  3 v mails.  i called to check mailbox.  he was happy.  i love paying my bills.  means i have funds.  

i remembered tuesday senior swim.  lunch with gloria 2, ron. toke, alex, joanie gave me her cream chicken i gave her my salad.  and main noon-7.  and 'karma' due sunny.  busy day.  decided straight to sunny.  visit main tomorrow.  puzzled 'til 4:30.  

as long as i keep brace on 'til bed back tolerable.

dreamed of people leaping in trees

 like 'crouching tiger hidden dragon'.  and more will be revealed.  this is the first year i don't feel driven to run around doing.  i'm so relaxed.  i swam, ate b king, tumbled and sorted socks.  i forgot halford laundry 'til i googled it.  so convenient but wash dollar more.  

3:30 feels like another day.  i'm remembering all the little things i wanted to do.  

so good

been thinking 2000 alien forbid me new years at her house fordham.  talked mom into loaning $100,000 for down payment with promises of taking care of her and treated mom as gardener and housekeeper.  after dad died 1999 she promised mom home with her and then denied her saying fordham house too small.  lying that mom gave her $100,000 when mom specifically told me her name was on the deed it wasn't a gift.  so many lies and disappointments.  mit no better money grubbing going along with alien.  crooks.  mom and dad raised crooks.

i'm free.  i owe them nothing.  they are only lies and disappointment.  i'm listening to healing non stop.

i'm watching 'OKJA'  from 2017.  new to america.  i knew it would be difficult subject.  animal rights.  SIGH.  i'd be a veg if i didn't need animal protein to repair my body.