getting real

ah, i had hoped to recover from hurting my back but it's been 20 years and i have to start planning what i can do now forgetting my old life.   

i dropped the recharging flashlight and a button fell off.  took me half hour taking it apart i fixed it.  i'm back.

came home 11:45 for the end of 'f troop'.  woke at 5 and i'm feeling tired.  seniors 8:45 showered exercised computed.  i must be healing.  processing toxins and remodeling scar tissue uses a lot of energy.  scar tissue is stronger than undamaged tissue.

i enjoy reading my blog.  i can see my progress.  i'm ready to surrender my dream of living here happily.  i had a pain filled miserable childhood here.  a worse adulthood nursing the parents.  as a child of 8 i cooked and kept house so that part was familiar.  working full time to pay my bills and hauling them around to doctors and shopping was too much.  

i may never be happy here.  eh, with god all things are possible.  so happiness is inevitable.

'avengers endgame' is a football game.  'concentration' is thinking flexibility.  

i was freaking out

i loaded lucky's rewards and today being the 29th the expiration date was 29.  i was all set to call customer service thinking i had to use rewards today.  i stopped to fill water bottles and realized expiration is for next month.  end of month anxiety.

i computed and was going to eat at seniors but red pepper sauce i brought home and washed off before eating.  dinner i ate rice and stew from yesterday.  i toasted whole grain bread with butter and avocado.  strudel bites for dessert.  chocolate quick milk.  i'm eating lots of vitamins minerals.  i finished auntie's letter finally.  i sent her pocket magnifier for her failing vision.  i hope she's taking vision vitamins.

i caught another thief stealing avocados.  she had the nerve to say i could have them if i ate them.  i can do what i want with my property.  i kept telling her she is stealing and took them.  all the people taking them for years never helping me.  no humanity in them at all.  i can understand squirrels and raccoons but people always shock me with their lack of humanity.  

that inner child that learns and creates

will always need protecting.  time to get out and air my winter clothes.  it's very cool today.  weekend warm up.  

stayed seniors computing 'til 11:30.  reminded me of the nightmare i had of sleeping past lunch and getting bumped off reservation list.  years ago when i was sicker i had all sorts of nightmares probably engendered by nursing scary parents.  mom's violence and dad's insanity.  when we studied with j w's 9 yrs old i dreamed of Armageddon.  

saw toke gave her the few i picked up today.  i went in 8:45.  best parking.  i don't know how i managed 7 am for all those years.  maybe the lure of the hot tub beckoning paradise.  except for the chlorine.  toke gave me apple strudel bites.  i ate 6 with milk.  and now i have a stomach ache.  ugh.

adult on the outside

watching 'in the heights'  whistlers have nothing to say. dad whistled and mom hated it.  as a child questions are dangerous.  punishment for no reason.  i never understood without explanations.  i was a child.  

i'm hungry after soaking in hot tub

i ate my pork brown rice and fruit bar.  oh my haunches are screaming.  i considered going home after dropping off loans but here i stay.  i'm hanging around drying my hair too.  

such a smart car.  the remote close lock doesn't work if a door is open but the open still works if i manually lock it.  

today's daily word 'let go let god.'  and i'm still here @ library learning.  and i suppose i should wait 'til 1 to re apply my brace.  it came off in the car.  i don't know.   i don't want to and can't drive home without it.  wreck my back.  

control 2 makes everything bold.  did it again.    let's see.  i backspaced.  i'm huge.  well large.

i like the chair table at sunny vale up against the post i can relax my back.  i'm using all the support i can get.  this doesn't look medium but that's what it says.  

i have half hour to charge or i can leave.  i stayed 'til 3:30.  i put on my brace, filled my water bottles.  i cooked potatoes with home dried onions.  added pork.  ate canned beets and peaches.  

filled half the bin

cut cactus an hour.  i must have been really out of it.  i showered, exercised and computed but forgot to open page.  picked up lunch, vera gave me a cup cake, i gave her 3 avocados.   i went to college safe way bought 2 clearance dinners.  i forgot i have cooked potatoes and onions, spaghettti.  ate cooked meal.

sat-9/25 lost my connection.  still recovering from thurs cutting cactus.  i cut, cooked, ate artichoke.  delicious.  i rested all day except for clearing plant.  i slow roasted pork i bought yesterday and made brown rice.  i watched 'love boat' and lost game shows.  decades marathon is 'highway patrol.'  so much pain from my pelvis, hips, thighs, waist i'm taking kava and willow.

sun-9/26 watching cbs sun day morning.  i opened pages for fry and sat.  maybe there needs to be something typed to stay connected. 

life purpose

seniors are supposed to have more fun.  we can avoid obesity and all its results.  we're trained to do less and less.  we're told we become more and more physically limited.  i think life is just becoming simpler to help us focus on what's important.  if we buy into what they tell us we become depressed, repressed, a self fulfilling prophecy.

i went to walmart to pay pge 7:40 and had to wait 20 'til it came online.  i walked store found discarded plastic strip and lipstick covered quarter i washed with spray alcohol.  got to seniors 8:15 too early for #1-2 parking spots.  

yesterday i left avocados for toke, that night she brought another mini bundt cake.  today i called toke to thank her and she had left 3 voice mails concerned i wasn't staying at seniors' lunch.  inge wasn't there today.  gerde and art were.  an old asian man with a boo boo asked me to put a bandage on his forehead.  he reminded me of dad.  he was sitting in the front when i was ready to leave so i went to car gave him some avocados.  

went to kyopo and nothing i wanted.  arrived cup library noon my favorite shady spot.  i picked up 'pain free' and 'avengers infinity war.'  so many movies are about fantasy and historical war.  the inner reflection of mankind's state.  until peace is a spiritual reality there will be war. 

i talked to toke half hour and missed concentration.  it's good they rerun programs.  i don't have to miss anything.  

heaven is work play rest

just like here.  it's doing and being in kindness, tranquility, balance.  it's living from the heart, the life energy.  the mind is a tool to accomplish the heart's desire.  ego the conduit of communication.  life is programmed by what we focus.  if our focus is on the negative it is magnetized into our experience.  our magnetic fields attract our heart's desire inexorably to us.  it has nothing to do with worthiness.  it is desire.  

eh

exercise and diet the only real cure.  medication masks symptoms.  a temporary respite but not a cure. 

i sat hot tub

20 minutes.  i still feel tired, sick and know i'm ok based on past.  i went gym-2 8 am.  i considered cutting cactus and decided too much today.  maybe tomorrow.  the water feels so good.  so healing.  i stretched everything out.  my tailbone, neck, right temple so sore.  parts of my skull feel bruised.  i sat lap pool to cool down.  bug ate bite from suit.  so weird.  time for embellishment.  this is suit 2.  the other is missing.  my thieving sisters.

11:30 i decided to go sunny vale $tore for c drops, amber m wash, found infinity scarf, toothpaste.  cooked hamburger patties.  so good on bread i ate 4.  

8:30 pm i just realized i'm processing getting my family off my back this life and all the way back in time.  my symptoms now are what i experienced after carrying dad to emergency 3 times.  i didn't have time to feel staying vigilant, working to pay my bills and trying to live some kind of life.  i didn't have the time or energy to feel.  it was a luxury i couldn't afford.  

hanging on

i'm feeling terrible.  the nausea from 1972 is back.  at least i'm not vomiting.  i lived on lemon drop candy lost 5 lbs.  my stomach hurts, i just feel sick.  i know i'm fine.  i visited 4 doctors who couldn't tell me anything because it was a back injury i didn't connect to the symptoms.  hey, i'm not a doctor.  this time around i know it's damaged nerves.  

i showered, biked, stretched 'til my body stopped hurting.  jeanie gave me 2 more scrubbing doll dresses 1 green 1 hot pink.  i computed, gamed, loaded double points lucky's.  picked up lunch went to college safe way free water sushi, clearance frozen banquet hamburger steaks 6/$2.50 parking lot packed with college students returning.

home noon watched 'medium' ate meatball roll added sauce mustard.  still hurting feeling sick.  lay down rested 2 hours.  took willow.

my eyes are burning stomach hurting.   

i'm resting on purpose

and feeling guilty.  i was never allowed.  i was guilted into doing.  or shamed or threatened.  anything i wanted had to be kept secret.

i'm feeling sad and angry.  must have been stored in my pelvis.  

an experiment

i changed the date.  didn't get results i wanted.  

as i went to change to street clothes jeanie was leaving.  i walked jeanie to cars gave her avocados.  done and done.

my hips pelvis so sore.  exhausting.  

here we go

i don't know why i feel so tired.  i got to seniors 7:30 showered, exercised, so sore i stretched an hour.  i computed, gamed, picked up lunch.  today last day for 10 k lucky bonus points panera gift card.  and i bought bread.  i forgot to tell kathy rewards number and manager added to my account saying he forgot last day and he wanted to buy.  since i was early i went to america's tire air check.  drove home expressway.  

i ate lunch tried watching tv so tired i felt sick.  i lay down slept 2 hours.  i dragged myself up so i can rest tonight.  

i realized while exercising i denied my feelings or i wouldn't have survived my family.  they're the same they've always been.  i expected them to appreciate me.  i deluded myself.  i have to change.  my commitment to feeling my emotions.

sometimes 'view blog' adds

a tab sometimes it doesn't.  i got to seniors 7:30.  showered, exercised, filled water bottles.  i amazed myself i cooked the 14 drumsticks and cleaned up yesterday.  i put out garbage and recycle.  

i dropped off avocados in trunk to toke home 11:30.  saturday i caught asian woman who stole my oranges stealing avocados with her own basket picker.  i warned her i could have her arrested for stealing and trespass.  she starts telling me same excuse didn't want to waste, i told i didn't want to hear it.  she asked what she could do.  i told her give me $20.  she asked if i took venmo.  i stared at her.  she went to car parked in my shady spot for purse had $13 i took it.  so insane alien.  and they always think they're good people in the right.  even evil people believe they're right.  

i waited

to add to blog at home and wouldn't open.  huh.  disappeared.  i wonder where my words went.  

i soaked g 2 hot tub walked safe way bought can soup since i forgot noodles at home.  i kind of liked the idea of eating out of the can like a hobo since i was never allowed to feel at home anywhere.  sunny vale was ok.  

i got home 12:45 asian woman stealing avocados with basket picker.  same one stole oranges i middle of night last winter.  same excuse of not wasting.  i told her i didn't want to hear her excuses and warned her i could have her arrested for stealing and trespass.  she asked how to make it right i said pay me $20.  she asked if i took venmo.  i stared at her.  she went to her car parked in my shady spot for her purse.  she  only had $13 cash.  i should have kept the bag of avocados.  

my right eye feels stronger

ever since i had that test measurement done it felt like the computer machine injured the cornea.  i've been doing the exercises and today it feels stronger, clearer.

Kat is back.  2 episodes last night.  

i forgot bra in laundry and exercised wearing towel.  i loaded free lucky's yogurt and big lots free soda.  picked up lunch straight to st just pantry 2 bags drum sticks, eggs, potatoes, onions, cherry turnovers, rolls, canned chicken and tuna.  i went to lucky's for freebie and 25 cent clearance salad dressing.  i had a nice chat with cathy divorcing her gay husband.  i'm a little surprised considering i don't know her that well.  

home 12:30 i separated the raw onions from lunch to cook later.  very fatty too.  i was still hungry and had some noodles and coleslaw with added cranberry almond sesame.  then i charged my phone.  it had another emergency notice blocking display.  while trying to remove chandler came up so i called to ask again for itemized receipt.  i called consumer cellular callback.  cody in arizona half hour later talked me to messages-alerts-options.  phone has a lot of redundant features.  

maxi wash also unity prayer day

my pinched finger is better.  after a week.  i'm getting back to myself.  

i listened to healing while blogging, washing, gaming.  so great.  i finished washing, sorting and left basket at curb to open car and laundry man brought heavy wet clothes and loaded in car for me.  i like having help.                                                                                            i don't know why this blog is malfunctioning.  i can work around it.  if i want i can go to sunny vale or cup.  they're open.  or 24 hour gym.                                                                i went to college safe way parking backward with street view.  oblivious kid parked at curb messing in car while his cute little puppy is running around in street.  i shout 'your puppy is going to get smashed' just as a car goes by.  he runs, grabs it and puts it in car.  he waves thanks and i wave you're welcome.  in the store i found clearance frozen atkin's chicken margarita $2.  good lunch.                                                                                                  i went to mission and paid city, no gaming even though strong signal.  i came home 11:30 in time for second 'f troop'.  i cooked chicken, wheeled in basket, hung clothes while watching tv.  it occurred to me i could take all day to hang clothes.  very freeing and relaxing.  i used to rush hearing mom yelling at me to hurry up.  she never yelled at my sisters but then like dad they never did anything.  kathy readler thought dad was dead because i never talked about him.  he never did anything.  it made him sick lying around.  and he was depressed.  the family tradition.  the 'life of reilly-lying in a hammock' inactivity all day killed him.  

adulthood is hard

back again.  i'm bored with the routine.  maybe why i wiped everything and had to reload everything.  

and i did it without rancor.  it helped that i found 400 bad dad jokes when i left the asian kids books i found abandoned cup library.  my hot button i can't ignore abandonment.  i suffered so much neglect myself i can't ignore it.

went home directly after lunch pick up.  taking care of me feels threatening.  left over 'family training'.  i was always punished if i took care of me.  a constant.  reassuring in a perverse way.

a-somehow lost settings

and i didn't care.  

9/5/99 sunday morning

7:30 i got the call dad died.  alien told me to call nit.  we cried together.  she admitted she killed him by forcing him to the chiropractor.  i denied it even tho' i knew it was true.  the next 20 years was defending myself alone from their 4 lawyers by retaining my own.  they graphically threatened to evict me physically throwing me into the street.  they stole from me when i physically needed help.  so they were effectively dead to me too.  

my entire life was misery.  hell can be on earth heaven can too.

i thought i wanted to do something active today.  not gym, or laundry, and lose my shady parking space at home.  so today is working on sewing things i've wanted to do.  and babying myself like no one ever did.  mom was always the baby in hawaii.  she became the oldest sister here.  telling everyone what to do.  my childhood ended at 4 years old.  we came here isolated with family secrets.  my sisters were allowed out i was the sacrificial scapegoat.  goat=greatest of all time.  won't underline.

9 am 'make this tonight' program channel 20.4 short ribs, musubi, garlic green beans.  consumer 101 program.  

a-sv lib-0h, dad tomorrow died 9/5/99

i'm free.  8:30 i went $v dollar store for amber wash fish oil.  i may be able to use repellent window wash for car.  i have to try it.  

9:30 i decided i can blog @ cup to get shady parking.  8 minutes 4.6 miles.  i'm trying to decide on lunch.  nothing feels right.  i had noodles salad jerky b'fast.  i have to return a requested exercise dvd.  and i can pick up 'love american style'.  beyond that i don't know.  i discarded cutting cactus and washing clothes speaking of which Kelly specifically said the clothes she gave me were clean and aren't.  i know that was a thought in not doing laundry but now i don't know.  i have so many clean clothes.  

64 o lovely under the tree.  the overcast from the wild fires way up north is cooling everything.  burning my eyes tho'.  

10 i can game inside cup library and charge chrome.  i did my phone last night.  

loaded 2 sanitizer freebies @ safe way just 4 me.  wasn't there yesterday.   noon  i decided to look for freebies biggest store.  i asked drug dept inventory stock taker told me came in once and no product since.  i thanked her chose clearance pumpkin cheese turnovers and assorted danish.  i asked front end manager if more product other than drug dept suggested checking register displays.  so i looked and found sterling solitaire ring on floor fit me perfectly.  

lunch chili and pumpkin turnover.

i'm babying my pinched finger.

it's so swollen.  i keep forgetting and ripping it open.  it's little buts bleeds a lot.  maybe part of being left handed.  it's on my right index next to palm.  i never noticed how much i use my hands.  i try to keep band aids on it.  

good day shampooed, exercised, computed added free baguette, picked up lunch and on to college safe way 3 stagg chili all they had frozen kung pao chicken $3.50.  ok cooked in pressure oven.  not worth going back for more.  Sara picked up freebie 2 cob corn.  

home 12:45.  

ouchy pinchy

i woke 6:30 i think because of the lack of oxygen due to wild fires.  got to seniors 6:30 after picking avocados.  pinched my finger using basket picker due to design.  adjuster faulty.  bled for hours.  i put salve and band aide.  redid it after shower, exercise.  Kelly gave me 6 jackets.  i kept 2, pink and orange.  sherbet.  returned films to bookmobile gave Cody avocados Kelly declined.  i computed a little, picked up lunch, home 11:35 'f troop.'  ate lunch puttered with clothes.

pampering myself.  redressed my pinched finger twice more.  i'm eating as much as i can.  makes me feel less tired.  

so many white people trump followers.  Kelly being told how to live by men not interested in helping her just flapping their jaws.  complaining of wearing masks saying ineffective while the evidence proves masks help based in infection rates.  saying vaccinated are dying opposite of truth.  so crazy wrong.  

so many families have people in the fire areas

 

and covid.  i do not understand all the unvaccinated people getting sick now telling others to get vaccinated.  it's been going on all through the epidemic.  

i woke 3:30 watched 'love boat.'  my pelvis is shifting.  i have to eat or feel sick nauseous.  i made ramen added senior green salad, jerky.   

i went seniors early showered, exercised, charged chrome, filled 4 waters, computed so i could pick up lunch and do my banking.  i got home 12:45, ate lunch.  cooked onion potato.  snacked on cereal, almonds, crackers.  

last month the end of 22 years processing the family tradition of tragedy.