just finished

i have to reset settings every day.  and an app suddenly attached itself from you tube.  i can access sub heal depression from control bar instead of going to page to replay.  i got rid of it and it's back.

i got to seniors 10 and lot open.  maybe because dining in starts tomorrow.  i wrote out insurance mailed on the way to mission.  ate weird chicken rinsed canned mushroom whole wheat thin spaghetti cornstarch thickener.  the food is always so surprising.  reminds me of mom's cooking.  she didn't cook or clean, she had kids to do it.  alien is a lot like mom.  

despite the chrome book doing weird things i'm ok.  'living twice' is all about resilience.  i finished reading and returned city copy.  i think i'll reread county copy.  oh, tomorrow i can do banking.  i used to stress for weeks about my ability to do it.  then my capacity to do it.  now i'm not stressing weeks in advance.  i have peace.  

i finished my lunch

the first bite of fish is so fishy.  yuck.  then you don't taste it so it's ok.  talked to toke a bit will see her inside 7/1.

the longer i'm connected the stronger the connection.  like brain synapse.  this is electrical not chemical.  maybe not so different.

chrome shut down cut me off.  i'm at mission.  i finished my sweeps, scratch, started first day big bang.

i'm done for the day.  i'm emotionally exhausted.  

daily word-veronica

i tried to reporting missing daily word yesterday closed just finished resend.  whew!  life is painful when every little thing weighs so heavily.

i don't know how other people do it

they live their lives one day at a time.  i've been taught to think and plan ahead.  today 'let go and let god' is so uncomfortable almost painful.  it is painful.

overcoming past programming is letting go of an addiction.  exactly the same.  or overcoming ptsd.  it takes physical chemical reprogramming.  uncomfortable at best usually painful.  

i suppose it's better than numb.  you have to feel it to heal it.  maybe.

i'm still releasing family guilt.  nora monaco gemini books in morgan hill shared that when i went to her for a psychic reading 1975-6?  she couldn't read me but she could see the family guilt i wore.  listening to subliminal releasing guilt is making me conscious, reminding me.  reconnecting me with myself.

freebie soda and ketchup or mustard this weekend.  i don't know if i want it.

end of this month or beginning of next month blues.  at least this month i'm aware.  hurrah!!

sitting watching

connection cuts out at 11.  fear and doubt are contagious.  i caught a huge dose from the folks.  today's daily word 'trust' not a lot of from the roots.  

every week lunch pick up the same.  i don't understand how they can tolerate the same every week.  well starting 7-1 indoors no carry out according to policy now.

senior parking open-(autos.aarp.org/usedcars)my next car

i came for bookmobile.  surprise!  maybe this place is becoming sane.  it was silly to shut for 2 hours 12-2.  and they blocked incoming.

i had to laugh.  today's meal rice turkey broccoli casserole=2 c rice, diced deli turkey loaf, 1 half dollar size floret.  one.

my left ring finger hurting this week like at 21 when i burned it with frying fat.  i'm erasing all the bad.  

and program back to manual update.

walked college safe way thought of going homestead i can go tomorrow.

auto update

now to wait.  i picked up and ate my lunch after hanging out back main.  i forgot it's wed day late opening and i want to test disc play in computer.  so i called booked 2 pm at seniors.  they close and reopen after 2 hours.  so silly.  

it keeps resetting to normal when i prefer medium font size.  easily remedied just annoying.  i guess i like the auto update.  it's doing weird things still.  pages disappear and reappear.  

i asked sydney if his hand is resolved.  no.  

i checked clearance college store 1.1 mi because it's wed day but nothing for me.  so i'm back at seniors.  1:30 parking lot open again.  so silly to close it for hour half.    cup and s v open.

watching waltons

all of a sudden this morning i came out of my 4 years of mourning eric dying too young too painfully.  i didn't even realize i was more depressed than usual.  until i wasn't.  i started cleaning the living room easily effortlessly.  i found car stuff from 2018.

it's funny i like the movie 'spencer's mountain' but the tv show i never liked.  ii don't know why.

i tried sending the picture to sydney and it worked.  he didn't acknowledge, i called him.  i'm so good.

home 12:30.  i picked up lunch.  i wanted corn from nob hill and i bought beets too.  

i'm feeling happy.  that's new.  

oh, that syd

he wanted me to send him a picture of his hand but he doesn't know how to do it and i certainly don't.  i guess his phone doesn't take pictures which is kind of amazing since even my 20 year old phone took pictures.  and he can barely see.  he wanted me to find out how to send when he's not willing to go to urgent care if he's so concerned about his hand.  looks like arthritis to me.  he expects me to do more for him than he's willing to do for himself.  i called consumer cell i had to add $5 text message.  tried it still didn't go through.  jill said i can remove it after 27th end of billing.

i have to reset type size to medium.  normal is tiny on the screen.  i got to cup so fast.  picked up quickly couldn't remember almond pick up time.  i ordered online $5 moon day nob hill.  drove to nob hill hour early chris ready.  i bought chocolate cake slice to reward myself for embracing technology.  goodly woman.

mail is different

it feels like planet energy is shifting.  yesterday was remarkable but i have yet to see the effects.  i only feel it.  

i forgot i needed petrol 'til i got in car.  costco pumps open.  everybody must have slept in 8:40.  i paid pge bought distilled h2o and clearance aluminum grill toppers.  lucky's i bought 2 ears corn and free oat milk.  maybe it reduces cholesterol.

eric died june 2017 a year later june i felt impelled to buy this car with auto windows and faux paneling.  i transferred my rolling office and stocked it with everything i need.  

and i'm ready to open my life.  

i know i need to play.  friends are acquired through play.  i was never allowed friends and criticized how i played.  that's done.  so over.

i dreamed of ex and tom determining they never loved me.  they never knew me.  i was a notch in their conquer games created to appeal to their egos.  

holy moly 9:14 am weird energy sunnyvale cooling

somehow it was on child view but not on that blog not on any.  freak out minimal having had the laptop freeze before.  i guess at some point view will disappear.

i couldn't connect internet at park so i drove front main and still wouldn't connect i went to back sat on benches and pages all corrupted.  i shut down guest and turned back on and reset email and blogs.  9:30 i drove to s v library cooling center 10-6.  i couldn't decide on route and just drove.  tried to connect olive too early on wolf it's fair oaks scenic route.

city hall remodel detours through parking lots.  surprise!!  by the time i decided where to park it was 10 time to enter.  i tried blog and library asked connect to internet and here i am.  i played my games managed emails.  i haven't been here over a year.  it never occurred to me to use internet because i can't use county.  

this is doing weird things.  2 pages disappeared then reappeared.  oh, i see the waiter from 24 hour.  he dresses like a waiter, always brought sun day paper.   

really relaxed

got here seniors hour ago walked, stretched, computer games.  mellow.

and enjoying the cooling.  that hour 12-1 so hot in car.  outside nice breeze, i walked a little more.  someone parked behind me in empty lot.  go figure.   

95 o i'm staying cool.  i don't know tomorrow.

life

is supposed to be easy.  the whole idea of church is a community of like minded people.  no matter the labels each person is different and has different ideas and ideals.  no one seems to understand the cain/abel story.  there are always differences or we wouldn't be unique.  we should celebrate the differences.  it makes the universe.  the differences keep everything fresh and new.  god in action.  infinity.

but everyone wants everyone to be the same.  impossible.

juneteenth 1865 lincoln freed the slaves but eric and i were slaves to our families.  slavery takes many different forms.  autocratic bosses, politicians.

and people continue to be enslaved by the past.  rehashing the past.  celebrating the past, continuing the dysfunction.  we must live now and learn for the future.  change for what is, adapt.  i'm talking to myself.  i have to embrace technology.  how else can we make this a better world without polluting it.  if tech doesn't make life better it's not progress it's suicide.

hanging out at senior cooling crippled swimmer came sat at my table.  she's consistently annoying.  b 4 covid she acted like her leg gave her special privileges.  no one else at 8 tables but she has to try to sit with me.  i called made appointment for computer at 2 so i left.  glad i brought extension cord for chrome.  i watched half movie upstairs.  only an hour not 2 as per newsletter.  i renewed card.  

county libraries closed tomorrow and sat day.  oh well moon day.  the old me stressed and would have rushed tonight.   

oh, yay! 90 o+ cooling station.

i binge watched overdue and came to seniors 10:30.  i walked, stretched picked up, ate lunch and waited for cooling center to open 1 pm.  i don't know why an hour lapse.  no amenities.  h b bag had ear buds so i can listen to healing 4 hours in the cool.  or i can go home and watch love boat.  i thought about watching overdue on portable player but i prefer at home.  i did bring charger cord.  

and i can play computer games.  and i can rest my back against wall with my legs up on chair.  and wiggle.  kids know only rocks sit still.  so many adults are sick from an unhappy childhood.  it's never too late.  unless you're dead.

considered pay pge

not today due fry day.

young peacock hogging the bars.  he only moves when someone watching or he looks at phone.  i walked, computers full i decided to go to seniors.  parking lot open.  miracle 10:21.  

i haven't ever before had this freedom to go where i want, do when i want.  family had so many slavery rules.  and the relationships i chose reinforced the behaviors.  i only chose controlling selfish tyrants.  not a benevolent dictator among them.  oh, how i've suffered.  no more.

went to use main computer and county movie overdue 4 days.  didn't renew with others.  and i'm ok.  

too responsive

i decided to drop off at st j the 3 bags groceries i won't eat and parked back main to compute.  

i just have to hover my fingers and the computer responds.  when i don't continually move the connection drops out.  channel 2 was out for 2 days and it's back tonight.  channel 5 is still out in the living room.  

aarp has an emotional set i'm doing like emotional exercise.   i've been cooking for 62 years.  i suppose a lot of my disliking cooking is from the abuse and ingratitude i suffered from my family.  i'm learning how to update a chore.

senior park 10:39 barricades still up my spot across open.  hurrah!!  i just briskly walked and stretched my 18 min.  11:10 no line.  college store pot pie back to main.  tree shade parking still available.  hurrah!!  tygj.

4 times reconnected internet.  home 2:30.  brought in bins.  rested.  i'm not looking forward to cooking drumsticks.  i ate some noodles and pot pie.  i waited 'til 6:30 to cook 12 drumsticks, 8 in oven 4 microwave.  i think the oven may be better.  we'll see.  i can test it tomorrow for b'fast.

i started reading 'living twice' autobiography excellent.

i started out seniors

i stretched and walked found bottle, can, dime.  b-c-d.  that's how my mind works.  internet faded out.

now at my favorite spot main library i almost forgot to blog i'm so enjoying the view.  72 o it's cloudy and cool  2 big drops.  parked between 2 large suv i'm in a car canyon.  i feel protected.  i'm observing happy normal families.  ours wasn't.  i see so many people with back problems walking crooked.

dad stayed aloof made mom chase after him so she made the 3 of us compete for her approval and attention to assuage her ego.  at 8 yrs old it wasn't my ideal of family.  

i've spent so much of my life uncomfortable i'm loving this.  i'm listening to release guilt feeling calm, peace filled.  nowhere to be do.

6 am sat 6/12

my palindrome b'day.  daily word is 'fun'.  i'm doing my best.  started out at kiely park stretched on rings was very humid.  reception faded so i drove to st just.  checked internet signal none and free stuff 2 pieces fabric.  it was 9:50 so i waited for pantry to open at 10.  grace showed up.  i thought of offering her yogurt but she took off.  drove behind library.

i used main computer darryl gave me an hour.  he'd probably help me order healing cds.  11:45 i'm sitting in lovely shade listening to release guilt my favorite sounds like wind through pipes.  i have jerky and brought yogurt drink.  it's delicious just my obsessive way of opening it.  most people probably punch through the foil top.  i must peal it back intact.  drank 2.  5.4 oz.

this is the best spot ever.  i reversed into the space and have the best view across the park relaxing my focus.  car is resting on a slight incline.   maybe this is my reclining retirement.  i would like this everyday.  

a lot of fatigue is eye stress straining to see.  bates method of vision improvement hey, it works.  i used all the discarded open bottles of water i found to wash the front windshield.

home 1:30 took 'til 3 to sort and put food away.  2 bags to give away.  half.  i used the cart.  i parked across street first and checked for nails.  clear.  lots of fun movies today.  i ate a pastry and then senior sandwich added lettuce tomato.  drank milk.  4 pm done.  i covered garage tv.  i put aquarium on shoe cabinet.  

kelly howell-second day nails

yesterday when i got home someone dropped new nails in my parking space.  wasn't there the morning when i left.  today 3 nails.  i walk around back of my car every morning so i know.  sabotage.

i'm ready to invest in myself and buy subliminal c d's.  i stretched and found a nickel.  i expect to find money.  i'm at kiely park.  i had to look at notifications to connect.  it usually comes up automatically but didn't today.  i loaded lucky's free yogurt and double points.  i checked county library auto renewed i don't have to deal with it.  tygj.  

i went to $tore 3 socks, 2 juice, 3 chips.  on to kiely park for computing, stretching.  my back ok just a little unstable.  

the cd cover of stress free and guilt free are the portrait i painted after college.  there's no painting without pain.  the best thing i painted i gave to nit for her birthday and she said she didn't know what happened to it when i wanted to take a picture for my portfolio.  like she ripped out my heart and trampled it.  

i've let them rip the heart out of my art.  mayan aztec sacrifice.

i got a letter from c u for $15 per shopper survey.  thinking about it nah...not much money to report online considering how slow i am.

i picked up lunch and weekend food.  didn't find anything at college safe way.  today graduation lots of people walking around.  onto lucky's in the shade out of trout dad's favorite, 2 mangoes for a dollar, green giant cheesy broccoli cauliflower double points.  homestead safe way i parked in shade, bought clearance water filters and toothpaste.  i parked in the shade at st just and walked to return 2 movies and used their computer for games.  

i got home 2:30 used the cart to unload car saving my back.  i'm more conscious of taking care of my body.  i've had no appetite so i know even though my back feels ok it isn't.  

got to seniors

i moved ladder just to see if i could.  cut some ivy.  moved red wagon.  if nit wants house i can't care for it.  she said she didn't want it but alien wouldn't split 600 k cash mom's estate with her.

practically no one at lunch pick up.  after stretching and walking i was hungry from my back.  i ate and internet faded out so i started to college safeway and ended up at 99 cent store ostensibly to walk store and bought yams, 2 blueberries, beets, echinacea, glucosamine, women vitamins.   then on the way to main i pulled over by v village, called ray gave him blueberries,  beet, yam.  i told him happy birthday.  had very pleasant visit.  got to main 2 pm so sat outside behind main and computed an hour half.  home for 'love boat'.  

good day.  

watched 'love boat' and 'palindromist'.  they read backwards and forwards.  most people live life backwards.  when i borrowed the dvd i didn't know why.  my instincts.  they have a community.  communing.  

2 hours

front and half the back.   maybe a dozen guys from fire dept cars and trucks.  i'm exhausted hiding stressing.  

didn't know what to do with myself.  dressed and watched some concentration.  i seem to be more autistic.  my symptoms seem more pronounced.  maybe it's the weather too.  internet is behaving erratically too.

i never know what to click on.   i'm not ready to go home.  

i came back to seniors from mission and coll safe way.  i stretched and walked a little.  my back is ok.  my right hip is not yet.  i have hope.  if i concentrate my energy on healing and let go of maintaining the house i'll heal my back, my life.  i need the healing music, the subliminal reprogramming the negative family.  

it helps to read my blog.  remembering better times better feelings.  living in the now is tough.  maybe why so many people don't.  run away, run away.  in grade school i imagined myself beyond whatever was stressing me.  i couldn't continue doing it with the parents' overwhelming negativity.

1:30 i feel calmer i can go home now.

spent all day calming myself.  7:45 i called fire station 888 agnews 95054 to thank jason beals his day off i talked to ryan regarding honorarium. i can send thank you.  i have to drag med ladder under awning tomorrow since tall ladder gone.  

sleepless

my body reacting to phone call to remove weeds wed morning.  all the alarm bells rang all night.  that's why people succumb to addiction.  to silence the warnings put in place at a prior crisis.  my life.  especially coming back home to care for the parents.  i'm curious how alien and nit will deal.

i went to dollar for pads and amber wash.  bought 3 chair pockets new item pink purple green.  stopped by good will doesn't open 'til 10.  homestead safe way water filters.  checked out bread nothing i wanted.  i ate chile for b'fast watching 'ghost and mrs. muir' one of my favorite movies.  decided to pay lucky bank and walked store.  bottle and can recycle.

at seniors computer wouldn't connect for 12 minutes.  lovely cool.  new mexico clouds.  if summer like this i'm happy.  care more finally called regarding vaccine.  

keeping to my schedule to minimize inner turmoil.  paid cost bank checked prune ridge lucky's went back to homestead safe way to walk.  tiring myself out.  parked st just used main computer an hour for games.  paid city.  in my mind tomorrow is done.  

puffy beanbag.  cookout and connect with dad wof puzzles.

eric butterfly day 6/13

i know what i want to do with the accordion room divider i've had 30 yrs.  a memorial to angel friends.

i just discovered how to make the lap display bigger.  hurrah!!  and i discovered laundry parking lot has port a potty.  i did my laundry first thing.  i have a little left over after using 3 x machine.  

the stress, insecurity, vague pressure left over from visiting eric the last month of his life.  i went 3 x a week.  if i'd had money 2017 i'd have bought him soup.  this is the first year because of soc sec i have extra.  i was still in a lot of pain and feeling sick most of the time.  i have some good days now.

jason fire man called twice 7:45 pm so i could get to phone to say they'd be taking out the weeds wed morning 8.  he must have come by the afternoon and put the garbage bin in the driveway.  

finished half hour walk

stretched.  raymond maes senior center said i looked good.  i went to burger king to pick up lunch.  talked to him hour catching up.  i cooked ate artichoke and fresh mango b'fast.  lots of fiber.

went to college safe way 7 clearance jerky, 1 sliced almonds, mounds $20.  SCORE!  ray must be angel.

mission park playing games. trunk full of food.  72 o sitting on bench in shade cool breeze.  perfection.  bug just stung me.  smashed him good.  finished games 1:30 talked to middle aged gay man with juvenile pit bull must belong to his husband busy doing photo shoot.  so late i decided to swing by big lots for freebie gummies.  so good i ate them all.

what a wonderful day.  started by watching and laughing with 'dirty, rotten, scoundrels' then healthy b'fast, bought b king i wanted, talked to people i liked, scored goodies.

home 3:30 put out bins.  ready for tomorrow.

time for walk about.

i've already been to homestead safe way for water filters, prune ridge lucky blueberries found dime/uncle.  and i'm back main waiting and waiting for games to load.  went into lib hour half extension.  

toke left lemon pudding cake i don't need.  i was going to leave at st just but now i don't know.  11:30 i called to thank her.  it's lovely in the shade.  

i don't want to go home.  i don't want responsibilities.  i spent my entire life responsible.  i was blamed for everything my entire life.  bill h blamed me for pres bush heart operation.  my life has been filled by crazies.  

no wonder i don't like company when they've been crazies.

maybe i'll go home 1 when concentration on tv.  noon on the way home 2 yard sales. gave cake to first house.  home 12:55.  lady in well's house going to live in sing a pore.  selling house.  she is taking most of her stuff.  seems like a lot of work.  i'd sell everything.

rinsed ate one blueberries.  misplaced second took half hour finding it.  ate lettuce wrap lunch, senior sandwich for dinner, last donut from fry day national donut day, last 2 crispy choc walnut cookies. 

left shoulder

1972 after crushing my tail bone of which i wasn't aware my left arm ached for 2 weeks during which time i tied a scarf as a sling and couldn't use that arm.  it eventually wen away and now it's back.  the deeper the nerve tissue damage the longer it takes to surface and repair/remodel.

my regular fry day routine.  dollar store clearance wax paper 2 garbage bags tropical juice.  seniors early to load freebies.  today's national donut day bought 3 old fashion college safe way.  lucky's free sparkling ice talked to kathleen.  homestead safe way just a walk.  parked at st just main computer played games did sweeps.  moved to back to finish. weather so perfect 74 o cool breeze didn't need shade.  left bag st just remembered to toss bones.

home 2:30 i put away weekend food and shopping.  kathy de medio called to thank me for easter card month half ago.  i don't care i'm happy.  

prayer request 6/3

i woke 3 am terrible back stomach ache.  took me willow and 2 hours to sleep.  must have been the mirrors i carried from room to room.  well no laundry today.  my arms are complaining too.

internet went out at seniors.  back main i tried svp website.  5 g generation shorter distance needs more relays.  i couldn't do it.  well, i tried.  i asked librarian she researched said phones only.  she notified webmaster need for city laptop.  did my games, sweeps, emails.  the old me just puts up with it.

home at 2:30 feeling newly weird.  i wore my tiara and feel like a princess.  i can't have my hair tickle my face but shaving my head is not an option so hair bands it is.

toki called to thank me for flowers sat day.  she used for memorial sun day cemetery.  talked 43 minutes.  she called a bunch of times.  the weird phone volume all the way down.

i forgot eric died today 2017.  the body always remembers.

don't know

yesterday was so easy.  i did a lot without stressing or driving myself.  WOW.  considered laundry nah, not today.

walked stretched picked up lunch.  went college safe way just because 6 clearance turkey jerky 7 macadamia. score!!  tried homestead safe way 2 seafood salads $4.40 total.   WOW!!

i started moving mirrors.  planning arranging my life.  moved around mirrors, tv antenna.  

god did it all

without stress.  i decided to postpone banking.  dollar store, good will had half off yesterday today seniors 10%, seniors lunch pick up, lucky's corn, main lib drop off cody bookmobile ate part of lunch.  without stressing i stopped at chase withdraw.  cherries blueberries kyopo, deposit *1, cup lib computer an hour, home tired 3:45.  forgot 'love boat' 'til home.  all stress free banking done.