still feeling ragged

I DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THE TRAUMA DRAMA OR THE FIRES POLLUTION.  I FELT TERRIBLE ALL DAY.  SINCE THE SUN CAME UP.  I SLEPT 'TIL 7 GOT TO SENIORS 8;30.  FELT NOT RIGHT AND LUNCH WAS NOT GOOD. TINY CUP OF SOUP. 

 I FELT OK IN THE POOL SO IT WAS THE AIR.  LUNCH WAS A TINY CUP OF SOUP.  OH, WELL.  I WENT TO CAMPBELL AND SALLY NOT FEELING GREAT.  I DECIDED TO GO TO MISSION TO RETURN HAPPY TIME AND CHECK E MAIL.  LUCKY'S HAD 2 X POINTS $1 OFF KETTLE CHIPS, 2 FOR 1 PANERA SOUP AND I WANTED GREEN CHICKEN ENCHILADA AND PORK VEGGIE EGG ROLL.  NOW I'M TOO FULL.

OH, HELEN/MARILYN DIDN'T GIVE ANY CANDY.  HURRAH!!  I DON'T HAVE TO THANK THE BITCHES.  AND I DON'T HAVE TO EAT MORE SWEETS I DON'T LIKE.

feeling very cranky

I'M NOT ENTIRELY SURE WHY.  DO I NEED TO I DON'T THINK SO.  I FEEL ANGRY MOM AND DAD AND ALL OF US DIDN'T HAVE LOVING PARENTS.  IT'S LIKE LETTING A CHILD PLAY WITH MATCHES AND SET THE HOUSE ON FIRE.  OR IN THIS CASE ALL THE FIRES WE'VE HAD THE LAST 3 YEARS BECAUSE OF ARROGANCE.

I MUST HAVE GIVEN AT LEAST 6 VIALS YESTERDAY FOR THE BLOOD TEST LAB CORP.  THE MIRACLE NO TRAFFIC 4 PM WHEN I LEFT FOREST AVE.  I CAME STRAIGHT HOME AND RESTED.  I WAS JAZZED AND CUT DRESS PROJECT POCKETS.

SO TODAY I'M TIRED FROM THE STRESS OF THE PAST.  ALL THOSE APPOINTMENTS FOR DAD.  I WAS TOO RILED TO REALLY RELAX.  THE HOT TUB TODAY WAS GREAT.

I'M HOME FEELING BETTER.  I MADE 2 SLIDERS WITH THE ROLLS, LETTUCE, CHICKEN AND CHIPS. 

I LOOKED ALL OVER FOR THE POCKETS I CUT AND GAVE UP.  FOUND THEM NEXT TO MY CHAIR IN KITCHEN.  I CAN FINISH DRESS.

BEST HALLOW EVER

I'M EXCITED.  I HAVE FREE REIN.

yahoo

WOKE AT 5.  I TOOK MY TIME.  ARRIVED 8 AM AND THE WORLD DIDN'T END.  I'M LIVING ACCORDING TO FEELING NOT SHOULD-ING OR A SCHEDULE.  SCARY BUT FREE.

I'M HAVING THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE.  THE CRAP IS GONE OR AT LEAST IT'S NEW DIFFERENT CRAP.

I SCARED MYSELF.  I LOOKED FOR MY LOCKS IN MY GYM BAG AND THE ZIPPER COMPARTMENT WAS EMPTY.  I THOUGHT WHERE AND HOW DID I LOSE THEM AT 24 HOUR.  THEN I NOTICED IT WAS THE WRONG ZIPPER.  I SCARED MYSELF AS A WARNING TO TAKE IT SLOWLY AND CAREFULLY.  SO FAR AS I KNOW I'M DOING BEING OK. 

5;30

i'm living my dream.  no nightmare. 

i've put little mirrors and dream catchers in all the windows.  sight is directed energy.

AHA

I FIGURED OUT WHY I BOUGHT ANOTHER IRONING BOARD.  I NOW HAVE A MOVABLE WORK SURFACE.  I CAN MAKE A BUNCH OF POCKETS AND GATHERED DRESS TOPS.

LAFF LAUNDRY/CATHY GARAGE

I CAME 6:30 AND WAITED 20 MINUTES AND WENT LOOKING FOR CATHY'S SALE.  A CHALLENGE IN THE DARK.  I BOUGHT 2 NEW BIG ROLLS PAPER TOWELS,  3 NEW COPY PAPER, UNOPENED BIG BANG DVD, 4 NEW WRITE DVD.

SHE'S SHIPPING HER CAR 11/13 AND FLYING 11/16.  I'LL MISS HER.  SHE'LL HAVE WONDERFUL TIMES.

HAWAII'S TOO HOT AND BORING FOR ME.  THE MAINLAND IS A BIGGER ISLAND.

I'M BACK AT LAFF DOING WASH.  I HAVE TO LAUGH.   I KEEP LOOKING FOR THE TIME WHEN IT'S HERE ON THE CHROME.

I ARRIVED SENIORS 8:30.  THERE'S 3 CARS ALREADY.  I TOOK MY TIME.  HEAVENLY.  AN HOUR IN WARM WATER HALF IN HOT TUB.  I WAS SO SORE FROM LAUNDRY AND HEAVY BAG OF 3 REAMS PAPER.  I GOT HOME NOON TO AN OPEN FRONT DOOR AND THE FAN GOING.  I WANTED TO COOL OFF THE HOUSE AND FORGOT BEING TOO TIRED.  IT WAS STILL COOL.

I BROUGHT EVERYTHING IN AND PUT IT ALL AWAY, HAD SALAD AND LEFT OVER SENIOR LUNCH CHILI COLORADO.  STARTED STEWING 2 ONIONS, BEEF AND CHICKEN FROM LAST SUNDAY.

I STARTED ON SALVATION ARMY EYELET, WATCHED THE TRIP AND SLEPT 2 HOURS.  WOKE 6 THINKING IT WAS SUNDAY.  I KEPT WORKING ON THE STEW ADDING ZUCCHINI.  ATE ALMOND BUTTER SANDWICH AND CHEERIOS.

I'M GETTING THE HANG OF THIS

IF I SPENT MORE TIME ONLINE I'D BE MORE ADEPT.  IT'S JUST TOO BORING.  NO WONDER PEOPLE EAT WHILE ONLINE.  LIKE DRIVING.  TOO BORING.

LUNCH WAS MEDIOCRE.  I HAD CHEF SALAD.  LEFTOVER MAC CHEESE AWFUL.

I WENT TO CAMPBELL SALVATION ARMY STORE AND FOUND 10 TANKS AND ONE BLOUSE, TWO BIG CONE SPOOLS THREAD, CANVAS NOTEBOOK, FIMO, WHITE EYELET BED SKIRT, 3 DVD, $22.15.  AMAZING.  50% OFF.  3 BAGS FULL.

J DIDN'T FEEL LIKE COMING BACK WINCHESTER SO I CUT ACROSS TO SAN TOMAS EXPRESSWAY THINKING I COULD GO TO BARNES AND NOBLE OR IT WAS 4 AND I COULD GET MY BLOOD WORK DONE THEN I REMEMBERED FRIDAY FREEBIE LUCKY'S TEDDY'S GINGER ALE AND GOT THAT WITH SALAD MIX.  I GOT HOME 5 ATE LEFTOVER STEW AND QUINOA.  FILLED UP WITH SNACKS. 

FINDING BALANCE

SO FAR I SEEM TO BE HAVING GOOD DAYS WITHOUT SABOTAGING MYSELF.  THE FAMILY PATTERN IS QUIET.  I'M STILL FEELING APPREHENSIVE AND THAT'S GOOD TO BE VIGILANT.

WATCHING TOY STORY 4 FOR THE 4TH TIME I GET IT.  THERE ARE NO BAD PEOPLE JUST BROKEN TOYS.  WE'RE ALL BROKEN IN SOME WAY.  AND WHEN WE NO LONGER FEEL BROKEN WE CAN DO THE RIGHT THING.

I DECIDED TO WAIT TO TOMORROW CAMPBELL AND SAL ARMY SALE.  I CONSIDERED BLOOD TEST BUT I CAN DO IT NEXT WEEK WHEN IT'S COOL. 

UNBELIEVABLE

I 'M JUST ENJOYING.  IN JOY.  I SLEPT 8-6 AWAKING WITH "THE PERFECT SLEEP WITH THE PERFECT CUDDLE WITH THE PERFECT FRIEND."  HOW GREAT IS THAT.

I'LL  HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.  I ALMOST LEFT MY ROLL'Y IN THE PARKING LOT BEHIND MY CAR BEING EXCITED  BY CODY BOOKMOBILE FINDS.   BEEN THERE DONE THAT LAST YEAR JULY FRIDAY 13.

I WATCHED TOLKEIN.  IT WAS OK.  TOO DRAMATIC.  NOTHING LIKE THE RESEARCH I DID FOR A SCHOOL REPORT.  I WAS DISAPPOINTED.  TOLKEIN WROTE TO HIS SON DURING WW 2 TO BRIGHTEN A BLEAK EXPERIENCE THAT ENGAGED HIS SON'S ENTIRE UNIT.  I READ HIM DURING HIGH SCHOOL TO LEARN THAT GOOD ALWAYS TRIUMPHS BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW DIFFERENT FACTIONS ARE THEY UNITE TO DEFEAT EVIL.

I WENT TO CENTRAL TO RESCUE A PENNY WEDGED AGAINST THE WALL IN THE COPY ROOM.  UPSTAIRS I FOUND 35 CENTS IN THE CHANGE MACHINE.  I LOVE FINDING MONEY.

TWO CAKES

I GOT NEWSPAPER AD AT 9:30 HADI GAVE ME ICE CREAM CAKE.  I MADE INGE CUT IT.  HE INCLUDED PLATES AND FORKS AND I HAD KNIFE.  PARIS BAGUETTE CHIFFON NEAPOLITAN.  CHOCOLATE CAKE, REAL STRAWBERRIES ICE CREAM, WHIP CREAM ON TOP.  SOOOOOO..... GOOD.  I SAVED ART A PIECE AND GAVE AWAY THE REST.

AT LUNCH NEIGHBOR GAVE US MORE PETER'S BAKERY CAKE.

HURRAY!!

I'M BEING CAREFUL WITH SUGAR AND SMOKES.  I'VE DECIDED TO USE AMERICAN SPIRIT COUPONS FOR LAST TIME.  I WENT TO FLORA VISTA WALGREEN'S AFTER LIBRARY HAVING FORGOTTEN 'TIL ON MY WAY HOME AND FOUND VITAMINS I NEEDED 85% OFF.  WOW.

I ATE CAKE 3 TIMES.  DESSERT ALL DAY.

I SLEPT ALL THROUGH THE NIGHT.  8-6.

trauma drama.

CHOICES.  I HAD THE GLAUCOMA TEST.  OK.  THEY WANT TO DO A 3 D LASER SCAN.  NO AUTHORIZATION SO I LEFT.  TYGJ.  I WAS STARTING TO REALLY STRESS OUT MAJOR BIG TIME IN THE CONFINES OF THE DOCTORS OFFICE.

ALL DAD'S APPOINTMENTS, EMERGENCIES, WOUND CARE, BRAIN BLEED, ETC.  TOO MUCH.

I CRIED ON THE WAY TO SENIORS.  I'M STILL MOURNING.  I'VE BEEN TOO SHELL SHOCKED TO LET GO.  ALL MY TRAINING MAINTAINING TO SURVIVE IS NOW A STUMBLING BLOCK.  PER EDGAR CAYCE INTO A STEPPING STONE.

DECISIONS:  SMOKE, SUGAR OR SEE.

PROTECT MY VISION.  IMPROVE MY HEALTH.

AT 24 HOUR GYM I NOTICED ONE EARRING MISSING.  I THOUGHT BASED ON NO EAR INDENTATIONS IT FELL OFF WHILE DRESSING FOR THE DAY.  AND I FOUND THE EARRING BUT NOT THE BACKING IN MY PAJAMA.  I NEED NEW BACKS. 

I FOUND DARK POCKET FABRIC.  I'M USING ANOTHER DRESS AS PATTERN.  I'M LOVING DETAILING MY LIFE.

AARP

BEST THING I EVER JOINED.  I EXERCISED FEELING EMOTIONALLY SICK AND PHYSICALLY SORE.  MIND BODY CONNECTION.  I WALKED SAFEWAY THEN STARTED DRIVING WONDERING WHERE TO GO 'TIL 10.  I REMEMBERED GOODWILL ON THE CORNER AND DROVE ARRIVING 9.  I CHECKED THE HOURS BECAUSE THE LOT WAS EMPTY AND STORE LOOKED CLOSED.  IT WAS EMPTY.  I FOUND LONG GRAY LEATHER COAT $19.99 AND SHORT TULIP DENIM SKIRT $5.68. 

I DROVE TO 3 FLAMES .4 MILE.  PARKED IN SHADE AFTER MUCH DELIBERATION.  I WALKED TO FRONT SAID CLOSED 'TIL 4 CAREGIVER MEETING 11 A M.  I CHECKED BANQUET DOORS.  E MAIL SAID LIGHT REFRESHMENTS WE HAD MEZCLA SALAD SUBSTANTIAL CHICKEN SHISH KEBAB RICE PILAF PERFECT VEGS. 

WE DISCUSSED SITUATIONS AND LIFE EXPERIENCES AND OPTIONS.  IT WAS GOOD.  IF I CARE GIVE AGAIN I'LL ASSERT MYSELF. 

I DROVE STRAIGHT HOME. I WASHED SOME DISHES AND EMPTIED GARBAGE.

I ATE MOST FOOD AT HOME FOR DINNER.  FINISHED PEET'S APRICOT SCONE.  NAPPED AN HOUR WATCHING GROUNDHOG DAY.

GOOD DAY.

NO JUMBLE

NOTICE 11/9 FLEA MARKET.  I EXERCISED TIRED AND LISTENING TO ANGRY HELEN MADE ME EVEN MORE TIRED.  SHE CRITIQUED EVERYONE.

I TRIED LOGGING ON IN PARKING LOT AND NO RECEPTION SO I RELUCTANTLY BOUGHT PANERA BACON TURKEY BRAVO, FREE CHERRY CHEESE BRITTANY, $1 OFF PRICKLY PEAR HIBISCUS JUICE NO TASTE, PEETS APRICOT SCONE.  I WANTED MY STEAK SQUASH I'LL HAVE FOR DINNER. 

SO I'M CHARGING CHROME AND BLOGGING.

I WOKE 5:30 TIRED.  I'M JUST DOING TOO MUCH.  I'M MENDING AND REPAIRING.  ADJUSTING MY LIFE.

STUBER IS

people don't like new-STUBER !!

IT'S EXHAUSTING.  CHANGE TAKES SO MUCH ENERGY.  I GUESS PEOPLE ARE BASICALLY LAZY.  OR ENTROPY.  A NICE WAY OF SAYING LAZY.  SCIENTIFIC.

I'D RATHER BE SCIEN-TERRIFIC.

YAHOO MAIL IS NOT RESPONDING.  I WANT TO CHECK FRIDAY FREEBIES.

NO FREEBIES.  OH, WELL.  I'M FEELING TIRED BECAUSE I DID SO MUCH YESTERDAY.

I WATCHED STUBER ON THE PLAYER AT SENIORS AND LAUGHED AND LAUGHED.  IT WAS SO WINDY ALL DAY MY EYES ARE IRRITATED AND IT DOESN'T HELP MY ALLERGIES.  I ATE TYLOPHORA AND HAD A C TO BOOST MY IMMUNITY.

I WAS HUNGRY AT 3.  ATE MY POTATOES FROM LUNCH AND BANANA.  LADY OFFERED ME COFFEE.  SHE GAVE MIKE A SANDWICH.  I WAS A LITTLE DISAPPOINTED.  THEN AT 4 CLOSING THE SNACK BAR SHE GAVE ME A HOT DOG.  HURRAY!!

OH YEAH THE STONE FELL OFF MY EARRING.  I LOOKED FOR IT IN SHOWER AND FOUND IT.

WIN !!

BUSINESS

I WOKE 4 OK.  NO BAD DREAMS OR FLASHBACKS.  GAVE ME TIME TO WATCH BEING FRANK.  LIKE DAD.  AND I WAS INSPIRED TO FILL UP GAS $.38 MORE A GALLON FROM 3 WEEKS AGO.

I PUZZLED 'TIL 10, EXERCISED.  WALTER SHOWED UP.  WE VISITED 'TIL 12;30.  I TOLD HIM I COULD ADOPT HIM TO ENSURE HE HAS SOMEWHERE TO LIVE.  HE'S WORRIED ABOUT LOSING THE APARTMENT.  AND IT WOULD REALLY MESS WITH THE SISTERS.

I REMEMBERED TO TRY PAYING PGE.  CLERK SCREWED UP AND DID SOMETHING WITH MONEY GRAM BUTTON.  I FOUND BOX MILK, SEAWEED, PUMPKIN PIE, CAN THAI CHILI ALMONDS.  ON TO CAMPBELL.  STOPPED AT DAISO FOR NAIL PULLER, ARARE.  ZERO AT $T0RE.  I FINALLY DROVE FIRST STREET FOR THE FASTEST WAY TO LIBRARY.  I HAVE GOLDEN CHILD DVD.  HURRAY! 

FEELING JAZZED I GRILLED STEAKS.  ATE ONE WITH POTATOES ONIONS CAKE AND WASHED UP IMMEDIATELY.  TYGJ.

NIGHTMARE

RELIVING DAY EXPERIENCES.  I DREAMED OF BLOND MAN THREATENING TO KILL ME WITH KNIFE FOR MY CAR WHEN IN FACT I HAD TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM WILL 1982.  HE SAID TO STAB HIM.  HE WAS SO SUICIDAL.  WE WERE TRYING TO WORK THINGS OUT GOING TO COUNSELING AND HE WAS STILL LYING AND CHEATING.  INSISTING HE WAS INNOCENT.  HE ONLY AGREED TO COUNSELING TO AVOID DIVORCE SAYING I WAS CRAZY JUST LIKE MOM TELLING ME OUR FAMILY WAS OK EXCEPT FOR ME.  I TOLD HER AT 16 WE NEEDED TO GO TO COUNSELING.

I KNEW SOMETHING WAS SERIOUSLY WRONG BUT DIDN'T KNOW WHAT. 

ALL THE MEN IN MY LIFE.  MOM WAS SO CODEPENDENT.  I'M SO WORKING TO CHANGE.

I'M READY FOR LIFE.  SOMETHING BEST AND DIFFERENT.

TRYING TO GET APPOINTMENTS IS SO MUCH WORK.  I HAVE 250 MINUTES I USUALLY DON'T USE.  THAT'S NEW I USUALLY USE THE CENTER LANDLINE.  TOOK ME 28 PHONE MINUTES NOT COUNTING WAITING FOR CALL BACK. 

I GOT HOME 2:30.  PUTTERED AND NAPPED 3 HOURS.  I'M FEELING BETTER THAN THIS MORNING. 

THE OLD ME WOULD HAVE FORCED MYSELF TO KEEP GOING.  I'M FEELING THE PAIN AND ANGUISH OF THE LAST 20 YEARS. 

I CLEANED COOKED ONION.   ADDED 3 POTATOES CURRY OREGANO.  DELICIOUS.  I STILL HAVE TWO SQUASH 3 ONIONS.

SENIORS

I UNDERSTAND MY RELUCTANCE AVOIDANCE.  TAKING DAD TO HIS MANY DR. APPOINTMENTS, WOUND CARE, EMERGENCY, BLOOD DRAWS, OUT PATIENT WHEN HE HAD A NOSE BLEED FOR OVER A MONTH AND HAD TO HAVE HIS SINUS PACKED WITH GAUZE, ETC. TRAUMATIZED ME.  I COULDN'T ACKNOWLEDGE THE STRESS.  NO TIME OR ENERGY.

NOW I TRY TO AVOID THE STRESS AND FORGET.  AND I'M DOING A GOOD JOB.

at sunnyvale TYGJ

I TRIED YESTERDAY TO FIND OUT IF OPEN AND SECURITY WOULDN'T ALLOW.  I CAME AFTER 24 HR EXERCISE AND SPROUTS ON THE CHANCE THEY'RE OPEN AND VOILA!

I'M USING SUNNYVALE WI-FI.  IT TOOK THE LIBRARIAN HALF HOUR TO BYPASS SECURITY.  I HATE HOW COMPLICATED EVERYTHING IS NOW.

I'M FEELING UPSET.  MY STOMACH, BACK, LEGS, NECK.  PRETTY MUCH MY ENTIRE BODY.  MY MOM SCREWED ME UP SO MUCH.  IT'S SO HARD UNINSTALLING PROGRAMS WHEN IT WAS BEFORE I WAS VERBAL EVERYTHING IS EMOTIONS LIKE A CHAOTIC STORM.  I TOOK WILLOW.

NO WONDER THE WORLD HAS SO MANY ADDICTS.  THAT I'M NOT ALONE DOESN'T CONSOLE ME ONE BIT.

I CONSIDERED NORTH SIDE AND MILPITAS TO HANG OUT BECAUSE I THINK THEY'RE REPAINTING THE STREET MARKINGS TODAY.  ANY WAY NO PARKING.  AND I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE PARKING IN THE DRIVEWAY.  WHY IT ISN'T A HOLIDAY FOR THEM I DON'T KNOW.  MAYBE CONTRACTORS.

MY LIFE IS TINY VICTORIES.  SOMEONE LEFT A PEN THEY TOOK APART AND COULDN'T GET TO WORK.  I TOOK IT APART REORGANIZED PIECES IT WORKS FINE.

I FOUND SMALL CAN OF CHICKEN.  I ATE MY OWN CAN IN SALAD WITH SOURDOUGH/BALSAMIC.  CHIPS DESSERT.  WATCHING NEW ALADDIN.

HP LOVECRAFT

I'M WATCHING THE ANIMATED.  HE SAID FEAR IS THE OLDEST AND MOST POWERFUL FEELING BUT PEOPLE HAVE MOVED THROUGH FEAR BECAUSE OF LOVE.  PEOPLE HAVE SET ASIDE THEIR FEAR TO ACCOMPLISH RESCUES BECAUSE OF LOVE.  I GAVE UP MY CATS TO PROTECT THEM WHEN I MOVED BACK TO THE POISONOUS HOME TO CARE FOR THE PARENTS KNOWING THEY MIGHT KILL ME.  I STILL LOVED THEM AND HOPED TO IMPROVE THEIR LIVES.

LOVE IS MOST POWERFUL.

I DID MY SUNDAY ROUTINE EARLY.  STARTED LUCKY'S THEY DIDN'T GET FRIDAY FREEBIE DELIVERED I BOUGHT BEAUTY TRIMMED SIRLOIN STEAKS $3 AND SALAD TO BALANCE CHIPS I LOVE SO MUCH.

I FIGURED OUT I'M MY SAFE PLACE.  I'M COMPLETE.  COOL SMOOTH PINK MARBLE.

DID IT

I SIGNED IN BLOGGER AND MADE NEW THINGY BY NEW POST.  I WANT TO RETURN NORTH SIDE CHROME AND GET MISSION OR CENTRAL.  I CAN HAVE ANYTHING I WANT FOR LUNCH.  THE PROBLEM IS KNOWING.

very well

CONSIDERING I WOKE 2:30 WITH NIGHT TERRORS.  ALL THE DEMANDS SUFFOCATED ME.  I HAVE SO MUCH TO DO I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING. 

YESTERDAY I REALIZED I DIDN'T GET PGE BILL.  I FOUND IT ONLINE DUE 10/21 SO I HAVE TIME. 

I HAVE TO MAKE APPOINTMENTS THAT I DREAD.  ALL THE DEPRESSION OF DAD I STILL WITH ME.  MY HAPPINESS IS SO NEW AND TENDER.

I'M BEING VERY GENTLE WITH MYSELF.  YESTERDAY I FOUND A BIG SET OF KEYS IN THE PASSENGER DOOR OF THE CAR NEXT TO ME AND CONSIDERED LEAVING THEM UNTIL I REALIZED ANYONE COULD TAKE THE CAR.  I TOOK THEM INSIDE AND THE WOMAN MISSED THEM THINKING SHE LOST THEM IN THE CENTER.  SO AS SOON AS I COULD INTERRUPT THE CHATTY FRONT DESK AND HELD THEM UP SHE CLAIMED THEM.  REMINDED ME OF RUSHING AND LOSING GYM CASE.

SLOWLY CAREFULLY DOES IT.

I'M HOPING THE REPAVING IS DONE TODAY.  MONDAY IS COLUMBUS' HOLIDAY.  I HAVEN'T MADE PLANS.

STARTED WELL

I FOUND 2 QUARTERS IN MY POCKET.  LUNCH WAS OK.  AIR WAS TOO MUCH SMOKE FROM GRASS FIRES.  SO FEELING TIRED FROM BAD AIR.  WENT TO CAMPBELL AND FOUND LONG SLEEVELESS DENIM DRESS $3.74.  I HAD TO WAIT 'TIL 5 REPAVING STREET.  I STAYED LOVELY COOL WITH WET HANKIES. 

I ATE SLIDERS I MADE LAST NIGHT WITH CHIPS AND NAPPED 1 1/2 HOURS. 

relaxed

I GOT TO SENIORS LATE AND STILL PARKED #3.  I TOOK FRUIT FOR TOKI HELEN.  SET UP 2000 PIECE PUZZLE.  ATE AND ATE TURKEY STEW.  GERDA GAVE ME HER BISCUIT.  I RESTED.  I DROVE TO CITIBANK HALFORD AND TRIED TO PAY.  I WENT IN TO FIND OUT WHY THE ATM WOULDN'T WORK SHE DIDN'T KNOW.  SHE SENT ME TO SUNNYVALE ATM.  I REALIZED THE CARD EXPIRED.  THE NEW ONE WAS IN THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT AND I ACTIVATED IT FROM THE CAR.  AND IT WORKED I PAID BILL.  I CONTINUED ON TO DR CHUNG'S AND GOT THEIR ADVICE ON MAKING APPOINTMENTS.  AS GOOD AS DONE. 

THEN ON TO LUCKY'S TO CHECK THE PROMO.  I DECIDED NO.  THE ARCO AND SHELL GAS CARDS ARE TOO EXPENSIVE.  I'LL HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT.  BK IS EXPENSIVE TOO.  I THINK I'LL STICK WITH COSTCO GAS. 

I HAVEN'T FELT THIS GOOD IN YEARS.

BRILLIANT

I HAD A GREAT DAY.  I RECYCLED $5.75 ARRIVED SENIORS 10 MINUTES EARLY DID WHAT I WANTED.  EXERCISED 'TIL 10 WHEN MARILYN STARTED SPEWING POISON.  I EXERCISED AND WATCHED MOVIE.  HAD LOVELY LUNCH WITH GERDA, ART, ALEX.   ART GAVE ME HALF HIS CHOCOLATE CROISSANT.  GERDA GOT US LEFT OVERS.  WE WERE LAST.  ALEX GAVE ME HIS SALAD AND NEWSPAPER.  I ADDED AVOCADO. 

I PUZZLED TO AVOID THE HEAT AND KIMO GAVE ME A STALE CHEESE DANISH.  AT  4 WHEN I GOT HUNGRY I ATE SALAD, CHICKEN PARMESAN, CHIPS.  I AM SO BLESSED.   I COMPUTED WHEEL OF FORTUNE AND CAME HOME.  FELT GOOD AND PICKED UP FRUIT FOR TOMORROW TOKI AND HELEN.   HOORAY ME!!

I'M FEELING SUCCESSFUL.

CIARAN HINDS

IN MY HEAD THIS MORNING.  I LOOKED HIM UP WIKIPEDIA HE'S STEPPENWOLF THE VILLAIN IN JUSTICE LEAGUE I JUST WATCHED HE WAS CGI.  ANOTHER MYSTERY SOLVED.

I'M FEELING TIRED.  THERE;S SOMETHING IN THE AIR.  I'M TAKING GENTLE CARE OF MYSELF.  I LOVE MYSELF NOW.  I TOOK OUT THE BINS THIS MORNING I'LL PUT THEM AWAY TOMORROW WHEN I'M FRESH AND RESTED. 

I DIDN'T FEEL LIKE EATING PANERA.  I GOT THE GIFT CARD FROM DISCOVER FRIDAY.  I HAD VIENNA SAUSAGES AND TOMATOES.  DELICIOUS.

AT THREE I WAS HUNGRY AND HAD A CHOCOLATE CUPCAKE AND MILK.

I'M PROUD OF HOW I'M TAKING CARE OF MYSELF.

better best

TODAY I'M RESTING.  I HAD MY CEREAL AND A STRAWBERRY CHIA MASH SOURDOUGH SANDWICH.  FEELING HUNGRY.  I'M GOING G-1 AFTER $V AT 10.  DOING WHAT I WANT.  NOW I'M RESTING WHEN I WANT.

WOW WATCHING SPIDERMAN FAR FROM HOME IS ALL ABOUT ILLUSIONS.  THE ILLUSION OF FAMILY.  THE ILLUSION OF SUCCESS.  THE ILLUSION OF FAILURE.  LIKE THE COURSE IN MIRACLES SAYS.  THE ILLUSION OF MOVIES.

DID MY ROUTINE.  TRIED PAYING CITIBANK NO ATM. WENT $V 5 WATER, ODDS ENDS CLEARANCE.  GOT TO G-2 AT 11 AND NO HOT WATER PIPE BURST.  G-1 GREAT.  DECIDED I WANTED PEAS FOR LUNCH.  BACK TO $V NO PEAS MIXED VEG PAID CASH.  AND OUT IN CAR CHROME RECEPTION WITH FROZEN VEG KEEPING ME COOL.

COINCIDENCE I DON'T THINK SO.

ONE WEEK

LAST WEEK LEAVING MY PHONE AT MISSION.

YESTERDAY MARILYN WENT ON AND ON ABOUT MAURICE'S FRIEND FRACTURING HIS LEG AND WANTING TO DIE.  BROUGHT BACK MEMORIES OF DAD BEGGING US FOR DEATH.  BUT 1999 HAD NO DEATH PILL OR ACCEPTANCE OF SUICIDE.

SHE'S THE QUEEN OF SCHADENFREUDE.  SHE WAS ACTUALLY LAUGHING DELIGHTEDLY.  EH, WHAT GOES AROUND COMES AROUND.

I'M HAVING PTSD.  RELIVING ERIC'S DYING 6/13/2017.  'BREATHE.'

FAMILY

I'VE BEEN WATCHING MOVIES OF ALL DIFFERENT TYPES OF FAMILIES. 

MOM HAD US COMPETE.  ALWAYS WHO DID WHAT FOR HER.  THERE WAS NO LOVE JUST BUYING HER ATTENTION.  SHE ONLY WANTED DAD.  MITZI ONLY HAD KIDS TO KEEP HER HUSBAND.  AILEEN HAD KIDS TO ENSURE NOT BEING ALONE.  LIKE MOM.  DAD OWNED US.  MOM HAD KIDS TO INCREASE DAD'S INTEREST.  ALL ABOUT CONTROL.

BEING ADULT

CAN BE TOUGH.  BEING A CHILD I WAS STUCK.  I HAVE SO MANY CHOICES.  MY RULE IS IF I REALLY WANT TO DO SOMETHING I DO IT.  IF I DON'T KNOW I DON'T.  ONLY IF I'M ABSOLUTELY SURE. 

NEW MONTH

I DID MY BANKING.  I;M HOME EARLY.  I WASHED DISHES THREW OUT FOOD, I LIKE CLEANING.