END OF MONTH

BEGINNING OF NEW WORLD.  OH, I GOT THE DVD FROM ART.  I HAVEN'T WATCHED IT YET.  I WATCHED THE MAKING OF AND THE GIRL IS 14.

I FINALLY REMEMBERED THE LUNCHABLE I BOUGHT LAST LAST SUNDAY.  I ATE IT FOR LUNCH.  LUCKY I DIDN'T BUY B KING.  PSAT S IN COMMUNITY ROOM AND I HATE EATING OUTSIDE.  FLIES, BUGS, DIRT IN MY FOOD.  I HAVE DIVAN AND PITA AT HOME.  I'M READING THE PAPER CHARGING PHONE N CHROME. 

EXERCISE

THE UNIVERSE IS IN CONSTANT MOTION.  OUR BODIES ARE CONSTANTLY PROCESSING.  EXERCISE IS SIMPLY GOING WITH THE FLOW.  I ALWAYS FEEL BETTER MOVING.

I'VE STILL GOT IT.  STEVE CHATTED ME UP.  PARKS AND RECREATION.  HE WAS CLEANING LIGHTS.  I WENT TO ST J TO DROP OFF NEWSPAPERS.  I FOUND SWISS DEMITASSE SPOON & SEWING JUMBLE $.81.  HE SAW ME WALK FROM THE LIBRARY AND WAITED 20 MINUTES.  ASKED ME IF I WAS A NURSE OR TEACHER.  I HAVE THAT LOOK.  I TOLD HIM I'M A PERPETUAL STUDENT WITH AN UNQUENCHABLE THIRST FOR KNOWLEDGE.  TRUE DAT.  HE SAID I LOOKED SMART. 

OH, HE'S YOUNGER.  SAYS HE'S LIVED HIS ENTIRE LIFE IN S. C. 

I'M A COUGAR.

numb

I'VE LIVED MY LIFE UNABLE TO FEEL, PUSHED BEYOND FEAR AND TERROR.   I OVERLOADED ON FEAR AND TERROR AND STOPPED FEELING ANYTHING. 

I DREAMED I WAS HIDING ON TOP OF A TALL CABINET IN AN OPEN CLOSET FROM A WILD ANTLERED DEER AILEEN.

I WONDER IF I'M WHO I THINK I AM.  I DON'T KNOW. 

1998

COMING UP ON DAD'S DEATH DAY.  HE FRACTURED HIS SPINE IN RENO ON AN ESCALATOR.  SO STUBBORN HE INSISTED ON MOM KEEPING EVERYTHING IN ONE BAG HE PUT ON THE ESCALATOR RAILING.  THE RAILING AND STEPS TRAVEL AT 2 DIFFERENT SPEEDS. 

THEN HE WAITED 3 DAYS FOR ME TO TAKE HIM TO KAISER FOR X RAY.  NEXT YEAR HE DIED.

A YEAR OF EXTREME TORTURE FOR ME AND MOM.  AS OPPOSED TO THE DAILY TORTURE.

MISTAKES

EXIST TO LEARN TO FORGIVE OURSELVES.  I MAKE ENOUGH OF THEM.  I'M SO FAR FROM AN EXPERT.  I'D EXPECT TO BE BETTER AT IT.  MAYBE IT'S HAVING TO PROGRAM OVER THE FAMILY TAPE OF CONSTANT CRITICISM AND SELF CONDEMNATION LEARNED FROM THE FAMILY. 

TO UNLEARN REQUIRES VIGILANCE AND A LOT OF ENERGY.

i'm having more fun.  let's see how long it lasts.

BEST

I WENT TO CUP LIBRARY THINKING IT WAS GOING TO BE TOO HOT BUT I DECIDED TO COME HOME.  I COULDN'T DECIDE WHAT I WANTED TO DO.  I DIDN'T WANT SAFEWAY SANDWICH.  I WANTED MY HOT DOGS, POTATOES AND COLESLAW WITH PINEAPPLE AND DRIED CHERRIES. 

I DIDN'T WANT TO WATCH DVD.  I READ THE NEWSPAPER.  PLAYED WITH MY PROJECTS. 

I USED TO DREAD COMING HOME.  I LOVE IT NOW. 

1995 GILROY

I HAD ANOTHER NIGHTMARE OF MOM EXPLODING AND KILLING US.  SHE WAS ALWAYS THREATENING AND I GUESS SPIRITUALLY SHE DID.   SHE WASN'T SMART ENOUGH TO DO IT ON PURPOSE SO IT'S THE WAY SHE WAS RAISED.  I SOMETIMES WISHED SHE WOULD TO GET IT OVER WITH SO I DIDN'T HAVE TO HEAR IT AGAIN.

MASS SHOOTERS ARE ALREADY DEAD.  USUALLY WHITE YOUNG MEN 20'S.  SOUL DEAD.  A LOT OF ABLE BODIED HOMELESS PEOPLE LIVE WITH DAMAGED SPIRITS.

I MOVED TO GILROY TO BE AROUND FAMILY.  I QUIT GOODWILL UNDER A DEPRESSING CLOUD.  I NEEDED SUPPORT.  I RODE DOWN ON MY 1973 350-4 HONDA LOOKING AT PLACES IN SAN JUAN, GILROY AND HOLLISTER.  I LIVED ON MONTEBELLO IN AN APARTMENT COMPLEX NEXT TO THE CEMETERY FOR 2 YEARS SURROUNDED BY PREDATORS.

HUMANS ARE THE ONLY ANIMAL PURPOSEFULLY PREDATOR AND PREY.  NOT THE ONLY CANNIBAL.  SPIDERS ARE CANNIBALS.

IT'S SO LOVELY HERE IN THE BIBLIOTECA.  72 o.  I EXERCISED, BURGER KING 10 A M.  2 BACON CHEESE BURGERS SMALL COKE FRIES BREAKFAST BURRITO JR.  I READ ALL THE NEWSPAPERS AND ONLINE, RESTED, WATCHED DVD.

WHAT A GREAT DAY.  THIS MORNING I FOUND THE MINI PATCHES AND WAS INSPIRED TO USE THE PAGE PROTECTOR COIN SHEETS TO DISPLAY AND ORGANIZE ALL MY PATCHES IN A BINDER. 

FOUND $3

AFTER SENIORS LUNCH, I WENT AND DID LAUNDRY.  I DON'T LIKE DOING IT AT HOME.  PROBABLY CELLULAR TO DO WASH IN COMMUNITY.  I WON'T REPLACE WASHER.

OCEANS 8 LUCKY DAY I COULDN'T RENEW ONLINE!!  ALREADY ONE DAY OVERDUE I STOPPED BY MISSION TO REQUEST ADDITIONAL DAY AND BECAUSE CENTRAL HAS 4 COPIES AND BECAUSE I KNOW JUSTIN, BEA, ASHWARI, AND BEN MOUSY CHECKED IT IN EVEN THOUGH I FORGOT IT AT HOME AND CHECKED IT OUT TO ME AGAIN.  I KNEW SHE COULD ALTHOUGH LAST TIME WITH CHROME SHE REFUSED.

I DECIDED TO READ NEWSPAPERS.  I PREFER TIMES COMICS IN COLOR.  I SOLVED THE WORD JUMBLE IN RECORD TIME.  I FOUND CRUMPLED BILLS AND LOOKED AROUND, WAITED FOR SOMEONE TO COME BACK BUT NO ONE.  IT WAS 86 o.  I WATCHED TEEN SPIRIT.  LOUD ARROGANT CATHOLIC KIDS AFTER 3.  T/G FOR EAR BUDS.

I LEFT AT 5 ATE LUNCH LEFTOVERS, HUNG CLOTHES, RESTED SOME MORE.

SPENT THE MONEY AT ST J NEW SHOE LACES, ORGANIZER, LOCKS.

FELL ASLEEP AT MAIN LIBRARY AND CAME HOME.

LAUNDRY?

I RESTED AND SLEPT BETTER.  MAYBE I'VE JUST BEEN OVERLY TIRED.  I'VE NOTICED MY MISTAKES HAPPEN ON WEDNESDAYS.

SOMETHING IS SHIFTING.  ST JUSTIN CLOSING, LAWRENCE SQUARE BECOMING CONDOS.  CHANGE ABOUNDS.

DENIAL

AN IMPORTANT PART OF THE HUMAN BRAIN.  WE WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO FUNCTION FROM TRAUMA WITHOUT IT.  IT ALLOWS US RESPITE TO CARRY ON WITH OUR LIVES.   COMPARTMENTALIZING.  SEPARATING THE PAST FROM THE NOW.

I'VE SEEM TO HAVE THE SAME HOROSCOPE OR I'M HAVING DEJA VU.  OR IT'S GETTING MY ATTENTION BY REPETITION.

I DID IT

I MANAGED TO GET MY BLOG ON THE HEADER TOP THING.  THIS CHROME PROGRAM SETS A SIDE BAR INSTEAD OF A NEW SUBJECT TAB.  I PLAYED WITH IT AND HERE I AM.

I STILL DON'T WANT TO BUY A NEW FRIDGE AND HOMELESS PEOPLE AND PIONEERS LIVED W/O FRIDGES I WANT TO TOO AT LEAST FOR AWHILE.  I SUPPOSE I COULD BUY ICE AND USE A COOLER.  I WAS READING TESLA IS PUSHING THEIR SOLAR POWER.  A SOLAR POWERED FRIDGE WOULD BE AWESOME.

IN A PALE PINK MARBLE HOUSE.

I FIGURED OUT HOW TO RECAPTURE MY SETTING.

I THANK GOD

I DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING.  I DON'T WANT TO DO LAUNDRY OR BUY A REFRIGERATOR OR ANYTHING.  I'M HAVING A TANTRUM.  I FEEL SAFE KNOWING GOD'S IN CONTROL.  ALL I HAVE TO DO IS BE.

I SWAM CAREFULLY.  I CAN FEEL IN MY BACK AND STOMACH.  IT'S WEIRD.  I HAD A ROAST BEEF SANDWICH AND SALAD .  I ATE LEFTOVER MOJO CAJUN CHICKEN FOR DESSERT.  WHITE RICE TWO DAYS.  IT'S EASY TO DIGEST.  MY BACK IS INFLAMED MY STOMACH UPSET.

THANK GOD IT'S COOLER. 

i need a church

I FIGURED I CAN TAKE MY CEREAL WITH ME I DON'T NEED TO EAT IT AT HOME.

AND THINKING ABOUT CHURCH EVERY PLACE I'VE BEEN HAS BEEN FULL OF EGOS.

I NEED SOMEPLACE QUIET AND RESTFUL TO RESTORE AND CLEAR MY CONNECTION WITH GOD.  MAYBE MISSION LIBRARY.  I COULD DO 6 DAYS OF CHURCH.  AND SUNDAYS IT'S CLOSED.

YESTERDAY WAS PERFECTLY IMPERFECT.

TODAY I EXERCISED BOUGHT 2 TV DINNERS GOT 20 CASH TO PAY PGE.  AT MARIA I GOT 2 LUNCHABLES 10 EXTRA.  CAME HOME, PUT THINGS AWAY.  RESTED AN HOUR WENT TO ST J FOUND BUDS, BIAS TAPE, COOL FOLDER.  3.50 EVERYTHING WAS HALF OFF.  THEN EVEN GLASS CASE HALF OFF PINK STERLING BRACELET 5.  THE EXTRA 10. 

I HAVE TO REMEMBER GOD'S LOOKING OUT FOR ME.  I GET DEPRESSED AT HOW SAD MY LIFE IS.  I HAVE SO MUCH TO BE GRATEFUL FOR. 

I DON'T KNOW

I KEPT TRYING TO GET INTO THE BLOG ALL LAST NIGHT AND KEPT GETTING ERROR.  THIS MORNING SITTING IN SENIOR PARKING LOT SIPPING GRAPEFRUIT NO PROBLEM.

I DREAMED OF FELIX MY FAITHFUL DOG.  MY CATS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN WONDERFUL TOO.  I SPENT A FITFUL NIGHT.  YESTERDAY I LOST TRACK OF TIME IN POOL AND HURT MY BACK.  NOT AS BAD AS LAST TIME.  BUT I SERIOUSLY QUESTIONED EXERCISING TODAY OR EVEN GOING OUT.

YESTERDAY WAS 90 TODAY IS BREEZY AND COOL.  I'LL TAKE IT SLOWLY.

I'M AT MISSION LIBRARY WATCHING A PLAY IN THE PARK OUTSIDE.  A LORD OF THE RINGS IN A SUITCASE BY SAMUEL PEACHES PERIPATETIC PLAYERS.  FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING.  I BOUGHT B KING TWO JR'S  SMALL FRIES B'FAST BURRITO.  HILARIOUS PERFORMERS.  100 o/o.

I DECIDED TO GO  TO LUCKY'S AND PICK UP FREE MANZANITA SOL 2 LITER.  WALKED ALL OVER STORE LOOKING FOR IT AND WAS TOLD IT WAS DISCONTINUED I COULD HAVE PEPSI OR DR PEPPER PRODUCT.  EVEN BETTER I GOT SQUIRT GRAPEFRUIT SODA FOR 11 CRV.

I HAD CONSIDERED GOING TO WALMART TO PAY BILL AND GET 20 CASH TO PAY PGE BUT WAS TOO TIRED CAME HOME ATE LAST WHOPPER JR.

I'M WORKING

VERY HARD TO CONTAIN MYSELF.  I OWE MY SELF DISCIPLINE TO MY ABUSIVE FAMILY.   WHENEVER I GO OVER BOARD I SCREW UP.

I'M FEELING PRETTY GOOD ABOUT ORGANIZING MY LIFE OPTIMALLY.  I HAVE DINNER AND SNACK AND I'M IN 70 WHEN OUTSIDE TEMP IS 88+.  HURRAH ME!!

I REMEMBERED EXTENSION CORD FOR DVD PLAYER.  I CAN WATCH ALL DAY.

MY BACK AND STOMACH REMINDED ME I'M ONLY HUMAN SO I'M GENTLE WITH MYSELF.

I HAD A REVEALING DREAM AT MIDNIGHT.  I WENT TO DELLA'S TO RETRIEVE A CHOCOLATE MILK THERMOS AFTER A WEEK AND TOM DIDN'T RINSE IT OUT.  TYPICALLY UN SUPPORTIVE OF HIM.  I'VE ALWAYS HAD BAD RELATIONSHIPS.  ALL OF THEM.  HIS MANY WOMEN JUST LIKE WILLIAM.  HIS COWARDICE. 

WOW.

full moon

MADNESS.  I HAVE TO TURN IN THE CHROME.  MAYBE.  I WROTE AND MAILED AUNTIE LAST NIGHT TIMING IT SO I MAILED IT BEFORE 5.

I'M STAYING IN FROM THE HEAT AT THE SENIOR CENTER.  SO MANY ALTERNATIVES.  IT MUST HAVE BEEN 100.  OH, SO GOOD.  TODAY THERE'S CREAM PIE FOR LUNCH.  IT'S HILARIOUS THE OLDEST SICKEST ARE FED GREASE AND SUGAR.  LIKE A BIZARRE SCIENCE EXPERIMENT.

SOMEWHERE IS THE PERFECT PLACE FOR ME. 

VERY GOOD

I WOKE AT 3:30 SLEPT 4-5 AND I'M GETTING USED TO IT.

I LOOK FORWARD TO WHAT THIS DAY HOLDS.  I'M SITTING IN THE SENIORS PARKING LOT.  READY FOR 90 o HEAT.

2 PM 88 o.  NEXT TABLE PETER'S BAKERY BROUGHT MEGA DOZENS BURNT ALMOND CUPCAKES.  GOOD CRUMB.  I GOT A DOZEN.  I GAVE AWAY HALF TO INGE.   SO MUCH LEFT OVER FISH AND RICE TOO.

I ALREADY WORKED OUT AND I MAY GET BACK IN THE POOL.  I CAN.  TOMORROW IS BOOK MOBILE DAY AND I'M HAVING A GREAT TIME WATCHING DVDS. 

ALL IS RIGHT

I'M CHARGING CHROME 30%.  I LAST CHARGED SATURDAY.  I HAVEN'T BEEN USING IT AS MUCH.

I WATCHED PIKACHU.  IT WAS OK.  I WAS AFRAID OF HAVING MY INTELLIGENCE INSULTED.  IT WAS FAIRLY CREATIVE.  NOW I'M WAITING FOR THE L. HAY CD AT CAMPBELL.  I HAD TO TURN IT IN.  RIDICULOUS.  NO ONE ELSE IS USING TWO COPIES.  I'VE TRIED ON WEB SITES TO BUY IT.  MAYBE I CAN FIGURE OUT HOW TO COPY IT USING THE COMPUTER.

I PICKED UP L HAY 5 PM.  SO COOL 88 o.  I TURNED IN 3 PICKED UP 3.  I GOT HOME 5:30.  TOMORROW THE STREET GETS REPAVED FROM 7AM-5PM 4 DAYS.  I CAN HANG OUT SENIORS OR MISSION.

CLOSER OR CLOSER

I'M WATCHING SEASON 2 & 3.  I'M STARTING MY ANTHROPOLOGY STUDIES.  I'VE ALWAYS BEEN INTRIGUED WITH MYSTERIES.

THE GAMUT OF HUMAN BEHAVIORS.

CLOSER PROXIMITY OR CLOSER FINISHED.  CLOSED. 

I STARTED RESEARCHING ANTHROPOLOGY BY DEFINITION AND IT LED TO MEMES TO SCHRODINGER.  WOW.  I LOVE WIKIPEDIA.

NOPE

I THOUGHT ABOUT FLEA MARKET ON MARKET JUST TO SEE BUT I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT DO I WANT TO DO?

I WATCHED SHAZAM.  BETTER THAN I EXPECTED.  MADE ME THINK OF JIM NABORS GOMER PYLE AND HOW HE NEVER OVERCAME THE ROLE.  AND HOW AN ORPHAN CREATES HIS FAMILY.

I WENT TO $ANTA FOR CHIPS.  CHECKED CLEARANCE.  ON TO SPROUTS CHECKED CLEARANCE.  EXERCISED SENIORS.  BK 2/1 WHOPPERS FOR LUNCH + DINNER + CHIPS. 

I DECIDED TO GO BY WAY OF LINCOLN, CONSIDERED HOMESTEAD SAW 7-11 FOR LOTTO.  RECYCLE TRASH CANS WOMAN SAYS I SCORED.  I GO INTO STORE SHE'S BUYING SCRATCHERS CAN'T DECIDE.  WANTS ONES OUT OF STOCK.  I STAND BEHIND HER WAITING MY TURN.  I EXPLAIN SHE'S LOOKING AT FRONT COVERS NOT TICKETS SHE CRAZILY COMPLAINS I'M INVADING HER SPACE.  I ASK HER WHERE SHE WANTS ME TO STAND SHE SAYS IN LINE TO ONE SIDE.  I TELL HER BEHIND HER IS IN LINE.  CRAZY IS ART'S WORLD.

I PARKED AT MISSION LIBRARY IN THE SHADE.  ATE LUNCH IN THE AIR CONDITIONED COMMUNITY ROOM READING THE NEWSPAPER.

HEAVEN.

TAKING CARE

I PAID CITY.  AND I WANT TO PAY CITIBANK.  LUCKY'S HAS FREE 5.3 OZ. COTTAGE CHEESE AND 2X POINTS AND 100 EXTRA POINTS FOR QUAKER BARS.

I'M WATCHING MOVIES TO MY HEART'S CONTENT.  AND COLLECTING LEFTOVERS I'M BLESSED.  RAYMOND HAD LUNCH AND I GOT CHICKEN AND VEGGIE BURGER.  I GUESS I'LL TRY THE CARL'S JR.  I GAVE HIM BACK THE PANTS I FIXED.  HE OFFERED TO PAY I TOLD HIM NO THANKS.  I DO APPRECIATE THE OFFER.  MAKES ME FEEL VALUED.

IF I WAIT 'TIL 5 I CAN DO MY WHEEL.

I'M HEARTENED.

I'VE BEEN FEELING TERRIBLE TWO'S.  DON'T WANT TO DO ANYTHING BUT I'M SITTING SENIORS CHARGING CHROME WATCHING CAPTAIN MARVEL 2019 ON PLAYER WALTER GAVE ME WITH CAR ADAPTER WALL PLUG.  I THINK LITHIUM BATTERY MAY BE TOO OLD TO HOLD CHARGE WE'LL SEE.

SUMI GAVE ME SNACK SHE MADE EVERYONE.  MINE IS HALF ONION OR CHEESE BAGEL/CREAM CHEESE WE'LL SEE.

I FORGOT TO DEPOSIT $60 TO COVER TRANS AMERICA CHECK.  OH WELL.  I FORGIVE MYSELF.  I NEVER MADE AS MANY MISTAKES BEFORE TAKING CARE OF THE FAMILY.

ABUSE

I'M REMEMBERING.  NEW HORRIBLE THINGS.  WHEN WILL I BE DONE?

AT LEAST TODAY WAS GOOD.  BOOK MOBILE ASHWARI CHECKED IN AND OUT CHROME.  I'M CURRENT.  I WATCHED MARENCOL UPSTAIRS DID PUZZLES.  RAYMOND BROUGHT HIS PANTS TOOK ME AN HOUR TO PICK OUT STITCHING AND REPLACE CORD.

I'M GOOD.

QUIXK

DON QUIXOTE.  I WAS GOING TO WRITE QUICK. 

AGAIN

I'M STILL HEALING FROM OVER WORKING MY BODY TAKING CARE OF MOM AND DAD, MY SISTERS NEGLECT/ABUSE AND BETRAYAL.

I'M STILL LEARNING MY LIMITS AND TRYING TO EXPAND.

TODAY WAS 88 o SENIOR PARKING LOT.  92 CAMPBELL.  I STOPPED OFF AT MISSION LIBRARY UNTIL 5 PM 85 o.  TODAY WAS SUPPOSED TO BE COOLER.

DEAD AGAIN WAS ON DECADES TV.

EVERY DAY

I'M FEELING THE WEIGHT OF MY WORLD.  INTERNALLY I NEVER FEEL ANY OLDER.  PHYSICALLY IS ALWAYS SUBJECT TO CHANGE.  ONE MINUTE I MAY FEEL 90 THE NEXT 15.

TIRED 2

I'M STILL FEELING TIRED BUT I'M NOT SURE IT'S STRICTLY PHYSICAL.  IT MIGHT BE MY LIFE.  BUT NO, I'M BETTER AND YESTERDAY I FOUND AQUAMARINE GOLD OVER STERLING BRACELET AT ST J $10.  I DESERVE BEAUTY.

AFTER SENIORS, ST J HALF OFF.  JACK IN BOX LUNCH.  I WANTED TO TRY TV BURGER BUT NOT AVAILABLE.  SO I HAD MY TWO TACO AND CHICKEN SANDWICH. 

ALL CONFLICT IN MY LIFE IS LEAVING.  I ASKED ABOUT SUSAN.  THEY RAN HER OUT.  JOHN'S EYES LIT UP LIKE A JACK-O-LANTERN TELLING ME HOW THEY KICKED HER OUT.  I BELIEVE IT.  DRAMA ADDICTS.

RAYMOND

BROUGHT STRAWBERRY BOSTON CREAM CAKE. 

I WENT TO THE CREDIT UNION, ST J  NEWSPAPERS AND BOUGHT $16.35 GOLD OVER SILVER AQUAMARINE BRACELET, 7 PLUMERIA HAIR CLIPS, 3 COIL RUBBER KEY BRACELETS.  SEPT 30TH LAST DAY.  OH, WELL.

NEW MOON

NEW MONTH.  DVD-WHAT MEN WANT-MOM PROJECTED HER FEAR ON ME TO TRY TO AVOID HER OWN FEAR. 

COULDN'T SLEEP AND I DIDN'T FIGHT IT OR LAMENT.  NEW BEHAVIOR.  AND I'M REMEMBERING MY DVD PLAYER.  MORE HEAVEN.