FREAK OUT=MIRACLE

DOING NEW BEHAVIORS:

TODAY I SCARED MYSELF.  I TUBBED AND LEFT MY STUFF IN THE LOCKER TAKING JUST ONE BAG TO CHARGE MY PHONE.  I PUZZLED AND WHEN I DECIDED TO COMPUTE I COULDN'T FIND MY PURSE BECAUSE I FORGOT IT WAS IN LOCKUP.

YESTERDAY WAS SUCH A MIRACLE I HAD TO DISRUPT THE HIGH.

TUESDAY 90* DAY MELTED THE HOT GLUE ON MY SHOE FLOWER.  I NOTICED IT MISSING WHEN I RETURNED TO THE SENIOR CENTER FROM THE CAMP-LIB.  SO I RETRACED MY STEPS KNOWING I COULD FIND IT.  I FORGOT I PARKED ON THE OTHER SIDE THE AM.  THINKING I HAD LOST IT THE PM.  I COULD HAVE LOST IT ANYWHERE AT THE LIBRARY.

WEDNESDAY ANOTHER 90* DAY I RESIGNED MYSELF, BLESSED IT, AND LET IT GO.

SO LAST NIGHT AS I'M LEAVING, PARKED ON THE NORTH SIDE I SEE THE BLOSSOM LYING IN THE GUTTER.

MIRACLE.

TODAY IS A GLORIOUS WINDY 67*.

EXHAUSTION=CALM TACKLING IRS

COULDN'T SLEEP.  AWOKE 1 AND 3 AND 3:30 SO WATCHED DVDS.

I'M FORGETTING THE PERSONAL PRONOUN AGAIN.  I.

PAID MY CONSUMER CELLULAR ONE DAY LATE.  I MUST PAY DISCOVER AND CONSUMER THE SAME TIME SO I'LL REMEMBER.

JUST HOT TUB BING HAS BEEN DOING THE TRICK FOR MY BACK.  I'VE BEEN USING THE JETS FOR MASSAGE ON MY BACK, CALVES AND FEET AND SEEMS TO BE DOING THE JOB.  I DRINK AT LEAST ONE BOTTLE OF WATER.

CHANGED PURSES.  CHANGE IS SOO UNSETTLING FOR ME.

I LIKE WORD SCRAMBLES AND SEARCH.  I FIND IT SOOTHING LIKE MOM DID WITH POKER MACHINES.  WE ALL HAVE OUR TOOLS.

YESTERDAY AT LUNCH L WAS EXTREME.  SHE'S LOOKING FOR A FIGHT.  I HOPE SHE GETS ONE.

TODAY'S THE DAY TO LOOK OVER IRS PAPERS.

SPENT YESTERDAY AND DAY B-4 90 DEGREE AT SENIOR CENTER.  HOME AWAY FROM HOME.  I HAVE FRIENDS.

LITTLE CHICKEN-WRITTEN SAT-5-14

(SOMEHOW I FORGOT TO PUBLISH.  BECAME DRAFT)

SURELY MY NAME IF ANYONE KNEW WHAT'S GOING ON INSIDE.

I WENT TO GYM SV AND TO LOS ALTOS METHODISTS RUMMAGE AGAIN TODAY.  I WENT YESTERDAY AFTER SRS.  YESTERDAY $3.75,TODAY HALF OFF, $8.50. 

I FEEL LIKE I'M WAITING FOR DISASTER TO STRIKE.  EVERYTHING'S GOING TOO SMOOTHLY. 

I GUESS I COULD WORK ON MY TAXES, THAT WILL BRING ME DOWN.

I COULD ALWAYS RELY ON MY FAMILY TO BRING ME DOWN.

THE BEGINNING OF SELF SABOTAGE.

                                THE FAMILY.

ON A LIGHTER NOTE,YESTERDAY I BOUGHT TWO RED LILAC TREES AT OSH FOR $21.93.  BIG ONES.

***ADDED SUNDAY.   FOR SOME REASON I DIDN'T TAB PUBLISH YESTERDAY.

THE ONE I HAD FROM MANTHEY'S DIED WHEN I COULDN'T GET OUT OF BED TO WATER IT. 

TO ME THE LILAC SYMBOLIZES SURVIVAL OF FRAGILE BEAUTY SUBJECT TO ABUSE. 

WHEN I WAS 10 MY JOB WAS TO WATER THE YARD AT 1260 LAWRENCE STATION ROAD.  MY SISTERS HAD NO JOBS.  THEY WERE RAISED TO BE FAT AND LAZY.  AND THEY DID NOTHING TO CHANGE IT.  THEY STILL EXPECT SOME ONE ELSE TO DO THE WORK.  THAT'S WHAT KILLS PEOPLE.

MOM THOUGHT IT WAS A MIRACLE THAT THE LILAC SURVIVED.  I DIDN'T TELL HER I WATERED IT TOO.  FOR SOME REASON SHE WANTED IT DEAD.

QUEENLY TROUBLE AT CITY LIB-ACTUALLY WRITTEN ON SUNDAY

DEPRESSION:

TRIED LOGGING BACK ON AFTER A BATHROOM BREAK.  I HAD TO GO TO THE DESK TO HAVE THEM CLEAR IT.

I REALIZE I SPENT MY ENTIRE PREVIOUS LIFE DEPRESSED.  LATELY I'VE FELT HAPPY.  NOW WHEN I RELAPSE TO DEPRESSION IT FEELS ODD.  BEFORE IT FELT NORMAL.  IT DOESN'T FEEL LIKE PROGRESS BUT IT IS. 

THAT FEELING OF DOOM AND DISASTER IS THE PRECLUDE TO DEPRESSION.

SUNDAY MORNING ON CHANNEL 5 HAD A GAY NEWSCASTER RACHEL MADDOW (WHO CONTENDS WITH DEPRESSION) ON TO TELL HER STORY AS AN ANCHOR ON HER OWN TV SHOW.  SHE DOESN'T REMEMBER SHE HAS IT WHEN SHE HAS IT.  HER PARTNER REMINDS HER.

MAYBE PRINCE AND ROBIN WILLIAMS FORGOT TOO.

MAYBE BEING DIFFERENT IS A CHEMICAL DIFFERENCE SINCE MEDS CAN ALLEVIATE THE CONDITION.  I KNOW MY ANTI-ANXIETIES HELP IMMENSELY.

FEELINGS CAN ONLY POINT TO TRUTH IF THE TRAINING IS IN ALIGNMENT.  THEIR ABUSIVE MISUNDERSTOOD PASTS DIRECTED THEM TO CRASH AND BURN.

I'M RETRAINING MYSELF.

I'M HAVING FUN AND TREATING MYSELF AS THE PRINCESS, QUEEN, EMPRESS I AM.

AND GOD IS DIRECTING.

t's birthday week

I'VE BEEN OVER THERE EVERY DAY THIS WEEK.  HE'S STILL HIMSELF.  I'VE BEEN POSTPONED, HUNG OUT TO DRY.

SO I HUNG OUT AGAIN YESTERDAY AND HE ASKED IF I WANTED TO GO TO DINNER WITH GREG.  SO I RESTED, WATCHED "CHAPPIE" DESTINED TO BE CULT CLASSIC.  THE FIRST HALF IS SOO BAD.  FORMULAIC ROBOCOP.  THEN IT GETS INTERESTING.  THE IDEA OF IMMORTALITY IN A ROBOT BODY AND HOW THEY GET THERE.

A REFRESHING FRANKENSTEIN.

WE WENT TO THE RAMEN SHOP IN J TOWN.  ALWAYS REMINDS ME OF AUNTY AND UNCLE INOUYE.  WHEN THEY HAD ONE IN HAWAII.

MAKES ME FEEL YOUNG.  AND GREG TREATED.

TODAY I WANT MY FREE CHILI'S.  I DON'T KNOW IF I WANT PIZZA OR MOLTEN LAVA CAKE.

STILL BLUE GIRL-I DON'T CARE

I DON'T CARE ABOUT THRIFTING.  MY COUPON EXPIRED YESTERDAY AND I DON'T CARE. 

AND TODAY STARTED THE YEARLY CLEANUP AND I JUST DON'T CARE. 

AND MY DVDS WERE LATE AND I DON'T CARE. 

YESTERDAY WAS MOTHER'S DAY.  AND I DON'T CARE. 

I'M HERE AT CAMPBELL LIBRARY AND I DON'T CARE.

I DROPPED OFF MY SCHOOL TAX EXEMPTION ON AUTO PILOT.

I'M FEELING HUNGRY, TODAY'S T'S BDAY.  THE GIRLS TOOK HIM TO LUNCH.  I'M HUNGRY.  I OFFERED TO TAKE HIM TO DINNER. 

NOW I CARE AGAIN.

STILL WAITING COVERED CAL

STILL NOTHING FROM COVERED CAL.

I DECIDED I'LL GO TO T'S AND USE HIS COMPUTER AND PHONE AND TRY TO GET 1095A AGAIN.

DAVE SAID I COULD ACCESS MY RECORDS FROM A HOME COMPUTER AND PRINT IT OUT MYSELF.  WITH T'S HELP I CAN.

YESTERDAY WE WENT FALAFEL INSTEAD OF SUPER BURRITO.  MY DECISION.  HE WAS WEIRDLY CRABBY.  MAYBE FROM DRINKING THE NIGHT BEFORE, MAYBE SOMETHING ELSE.

TOOK TWO HOURS AND THREE PHONE CALLS BUT I PRINTED OUT TWO COPIES OF THE 1095A.  HURRAY!!!  GOD BLESS MARCUS FOR EXPLAINING IT TAKES FOUR WEEKS AND GETTING ME IN AND MAI FOR GIVING ME HINTS ON THE NAME AND PASSWORD.

Jdj1212$12(7977)
SEC ???s
carpenter
aaron
mashedpotato
karaoke
8lbs

despite not hearing from covered cal

...I'M MANAGING OK. 

I REALIZED THIS A M THAT PEOPLE CAN FEEL LOVE AND BE SO MESSED UP INTERNALLY THEIR BEHAVIOR DOESN'T SHOW IT.

I'M GETTING POSITIVE FEEDBACK FROM MY SENIOR CENTER BUDDIES.

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE I'M NOT ALONE.  THEY APPRECIATE ME WITH ACTIONS.

HOT TUBBING IS WORKING ALL THE ACHES AND PAINS OF A LIFETIME OUT. 

MY BODY IS SORE IN A HEALING WAY.

I'M HOPING TO GET THE COPY OF MY 1095 A FROM DAVE THIS WEEK.  ALREADY A WEEK MONDAY:  4/25.

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