new month terrors

no idea why, just a motivator maybe.  

seniors swim, connected brian jackson doing great, st just charity gave me more lunch i found black lace shirt, stopped at 2 yard sales nothing i wanted, central i picked up get smart, little mermaid.  stayed 'til close at 2.  so tired almost left chrome in copy room.  must be more careful.

sunny vale library, stopped nob hill mimi working there.  i just wasn't ready for home.  puzzled 'til 5.  home sandwich, half soup, crackers, toasted bread.  chocolate almond milk pudding delicious.  bed 7:30 nothing on tv.  driving home i did so much i thought sun day.  i have tomorrow too.  

i'm watching witch mountain series.  came out at at a dark part of my life dealing with recognizing and accepting the lifelong betrayal by my family and the subsequent betrayal by all my relationships.  they only betrayed themselves.  

busy day

nah, i just didn't want to do anything.  i went 6:30 to 24 for internet.  loaded coke y 3000.  picked up and walked store, had to ask for game tickets.  finally remembered to buy stamps.  drove home to check free suitcase gone finally.  seniors i puzzled 'til 10, showered and puzzled more.  11 i went to wash yesterday's dishes i forgot.  taking it to car gerde had parked i removed her walker.  weather and lunch unstable.  hilde waited 'til everyone gone i got left over salisbury didn't want meal.  too much trouble.  sophia gave me more veg, fruit cups i gave to toki.  i kept cake, jane gave me cut cake too i gave away at bingo.  ladies asked to sit at my table talked incessantly, next time i'll tell them no too distracting.  she had the nerve to ask me to watch her cards then asked why not like i can't just say no.  i told the lazy incompetent white privileged bitch i have enough watching my own cards.  her friend told her to put some cards back, she didn't want to.  glad i didn't realize 'til now how overbearing she was.  next time no, no, no.

i did not win bingo.  i won food lottery.  i like no internet, quiet.  tomorrow pool.

home 3:30.  ate cake then patty.  whew!  looked for phone in car, bags, finally in house catch all bin time to charge 50%.  

i couldn't watch celebrity jeopardy

too stupid.  it was like every category could have been titled stupid answers.  i could not believe how dumb the z list 'celebrities'  were.  i couldn't figure out if they were competing for stupidest contestant.  they were guaranteed 30 k for their charity maybe they were trying to be funny.  they weren't.  i thought it was sad.  the dumbing down of america.  or ken jennings trying to feel smart.  he's given all the answers and acts like know it all.  i still remember he missed h r block final jeopardy question.  at least alex trebek never acted like he wasn't given the answers before hand.  

when pat retires i doubt i'll continue watching.  celebrity wheel was good even though i had know idea who they were.  there was a sense of camaraderie.  they seriously played for their charities.  

lunch was a lot of food.  brown rice and quinoa, chicken stew, carrot raisin.  the company was great.  toki, alex, salome.  vanessa ate bbq on patio and diane sat elsewhere.  eddie came and went.  toki is encouraged by eye op to exercise.  

4th day of left leg exercise.  it's working, my back is better.  i'm sleeping better,  back less pain, i'm more comfortable.

sitting here wondering why they didn't love me

i have to keep reminding myself they didn't love.  the lack made me feel wrong.  i didn't belong yet, i know i do.  we're a planet of broken toys.  they had to make themselves feel normal by excluding and abusing me and we know how they ended up suffering with their choices.

i'm feeling freaked.  received letter from patelco security breach in may dated 20th.  patelco never copped to it in all the mail they've sent.  no heads up.  just ambush.  makes me so glad i closed retire.  i have 'til jan '24 to decide what to do.  

so much left overs today.  and few wanted omelet.  i have extra potato, spinach, slaw.  drain tuna add.  

walter came by after counseling.  

planning my day

senior center short hours i can pick up at cup and drop off sunny.  4 pm sunny.  i finished small senior puzzle on to cup at 3.  movie wouldn't check out i took disc to desk cleaned it like new.  5 minutes.  i toured rod to see where it came out.  quite a tour.  ultimately stelling.

found 2 possible puzzles for seniors.  i don't mind turning in spot.  i used to feel deprived.  not today.  i scored 4 bookmarks.  2 metal, car hologram, hp raven claw.  tygj

after being bed confined i appreciate my freedom

i spent 8 years expecting to die.  when i became mobile i looked in the mirror and saw my mom looking back.  

coconut milk dribbled in bag, i was able to wipe up devices.  container leaked, never happened before.  

today i can puzzle or pick up holds at cup.  or tomorrow.  feeling nauseated.  either the cold air conditioning, onion juice from lunch or back strain.  home 3:30.  stomach better @ 80 degree.  tomorrow short seniors hours better for cup.  

happiness is knowing what you need and getting it-onigiri

Publishers website is malfunctioning games.  oh, well.  i decided overcast is encouraging me to rest at home.  i'm catching up on jackie chan collection.  great athletics.  took me 15 minutes looking for my shoe supports.  found them.  i need all the support i can get.  

10:30 i decided to cook chicken, watched end of murder she wrote, prepped chicken 4 quarters.  prepped pans, looked for spice seasoning finally remembered i stored in broken oven.  put thighs in and readied drums.  made sure i wore brace.  collected recycle in bin.  i'm just waiting for the first batch of chicken to cook.  i have asparagus.  the senior lunch sprouts are unfortunately un prepped but cooked.  watched pilot for providence no one i liked in it, i keep trying to like it.  I still don't.  i'm watching medium i used to watch religiously I haven't watched it for maybe a year.  

my stomach muscles are spasm-ing like belly dancing.  

had to bake drums twice.  not cooked enough for me.  i like it falling apart.  i nuked sprouts' sweet potato 99 cents for 15 0z prepped.  

had to go into backyard to cut rose from window.  this cool weather is providing moisture to plants.  checked on allergy runners.  very productive day.

onigiri-triangle rice ball.  i never knew the name.

feeling sad depressed

could be the lack of oxygen.  went to swim and decided to go to sprouts lots of bargains.  including jalapeno bread for toki.  library garage closed.  at st just i gave gloria bell peppers and cantaloupe.  lady there is the best.  stopped at toki's, she's driving already.  she wanted to exercise at seniors.  home i took everything out of car an hour to put away.  crackers and chips in covered bins.  planning laundry run next week.  i cleared another covered bin for pantry food.  put fabric pockets in veg box.  took me 15 minutes to wrangle stuffed kitchen drawer of wire whisks.  

nothing on tv feeling tired i slept 3 hours after a sandwich and chips lunch.  woke stiff but better.  

loaded my freebies

i finally remembered my pill cutter for the nicotine lozenges.  i still miss nicotine after 4 years.  not surprising i suppose since i was born with nicotine from dad's chain smoking.

for my ears only my heavenly music.  sal, diane like to make fun and gloria jumps on.  so they all have problems with loading freebies on smart phone and i straighten them out ha,ha.  am i thanked, no.  stupid is as stupid does.  the phones are smarter.  unfortunately they don't know how to use them.  

perfect peace.

i have comfort

god loves me.  today's unity word of the day comfort.  most excellent day.  i swam, lunched, toki's eye surgery tomorrow she's a little apprehensive.  hilda offered table last meal tomato beef i jumped on it.  she gave salome and diane alternate salads.

i stayed for dementia documentary too late to register i was rudely told.  i went to watch was told i had to sit in chair at back.  after 5 i asked to sit at table grudgingly allowed.  then mallory said extra panera veg sandwich.  i ate fruit cup and choc chip cookie.  good movie.  cathartic.  dozen panera left i took one for toki dropped off on way home.  tomato bread so delicious.  perfect hummus balance.  took out cooked onion.  

i'm paid up

i paid discover.  no more bills this month.  swam 9.

i worried about forgetting things until mallory, one of seniors nurses didn't know yesterday moon day.  

yipee!

i love having a plan.  i want to pay pge due today and i can go to lucky's prune for clearance m&m peanuts for halloween.  yay! me!  

lunch ok company excellent.  toki always remembers comics 4 me.  diane ate with us.  alex brave.  eddie picked up early and left.  tom sat with us, randall made an excuse sitting at the next table.  

after lunch i noticed a falls prevention bingo exercise class i attended 1:30-3.  i chose a mini first aid/pill kit and shopping bag.  everybody got a prize.  i decided to go to lucky's 3 peanut m&m's and 2 reeses pieces chips ahoy.  less than Walmart i price checked.  clearance after paying p gas/elect charcoal starter $6, cuisinart silicone oven mitt $4, 2 almond snickers $2, pecan pie .74.  yay! me!  no traffic home 5 pm.

bed 9 pm.

hurray!!

i'm celebrating me.  i'm looking forward to clearing the gutters.  i use big barbeque tongs to scoop out muck into a bucket and voila easy.  it's been a long time since i've looked forward to anything.  everything has been dread.  when i think of my entire life mostly dread.  not today.  i want to go to cup and i'm undecided on sunny.  yay!! me!!  

arrived 10 tried to park had to go around first spot taken.  I parked in shade looked for asian woman who cut me off and took first spot.  didn't find her picked up requests and decided to shower at gym.  one of 3 i decided lucky's gym.  walked store bought sale sliced cheese.  only one monopoly ticket /sale.  no sunny library today.  home by 1 ate last of seniors pork rice veg w/live vinegar.  i put out garbage bin.  

7:30 nothing on tv to bed.

getting normal?

i'm happier than i've ever been.   if happy is life without conflicts, arguments, disturbances.  i'm happy.  listening to subliminals is rerouting my brain which reprograms my chemicals. i have to say i'm happier, contented. 

today swimming, first parking space i paid cellular in car.  then book sale maybe st just.  last saturday i was so tired i couldn't get out of bed forgot and missed the craft sale, toki pointed out pollution from northern fires.  and pool was closed so no motivation to force myself.  for $2 and 1 coupon i bought 2 gary larson cartoon books, 8th habit highly effective people, 2001 space oddysey.  

and sitting main watching art and wine central park too smoky from bbq.  i already have incipient sinus headache.  air conditioning helps a lot.  i'd love to treat myself but b b q is so smokey.  even wearing a mask i'm coughing and sneezing.  st just later too much like work.  i'm on permanent vacation.  i can simmer vienna in bbq.  now i'm excited.

i went to lucky's prune ridge for veg, 2 clearance spinach 99 cents each saving $6.  3 bratwurst pack $1.47 coupon $3 off.  clearance m&m peanut $3.93.  

sorted backyard for ladder to clear gutters.  i ended up covered in dust and dirt so i wiped down.  step by step.  

loaded 2 lucky's freebies

L x substituted water didn't receive sauce so i continued on to prune ridge.  they had 6 sauces and clearance moisture shampoo $2.  yay me!  i love shampoo.  I used it at seniors very hydrating.  lunch lots of left overs staff ordered pizza.  played bingo won last game and donated sophia game.  drank 2 cups coffee too much liquids.  went every hour.  came home 3 pm.  helped gerde coming and going timing was perfect.  sophia gave me more food.  i gave toki the veg and finally the frozen 5 lbs of chicken quarters.  she only took it 'cause i was going to throw it away.  i asked everyone no one wanted to cook it.  i left the hamburger hot dog buns and someone took them.  and free new polyester long dk green skirt. 

i have 250 e mails.  i used to feel pressured but now i don't.  i'm watching ace ventura and actually find it funny.  

listening to subliminal reprogramming is working.

i'm better, i think

stayed in bed late seniors 9 am i called csaa jordan reported mileage and changed to total insurance automatic payment.  gave e mail address.  i've been forgetting my water bottle.  lots of fountains at seniors still inconvenient.

i thanked toki for croissants and finally remembered anna may wong quarter.  maybe 6 months ago.  made her laugh when i told her it was too much i should return it but i already ate 3.  too delicious.  played on puzzle and came home 3 pm when center closed get ready for tomorrow.  

swam, lunched, puzzled

 home 6 toki left dozen cost co croissants at front door.  so delicious.

feeling ok.

pretty darn perfect.  swam, lunch, library returned hot spot.  new movies.  watched gigi and nate based on real events.  wouldn't play at home.  rested home early nothing on tv bed early. 

whoa

simply perfect.  despite forgetting art.  new randall sat at small table w/o setting.  i asked if first time and talked him through, asked jess if ok to sit alone as he's shy okay.   

spent the day puzzling upstairs.  perfect.

just realized double trauma-i could sleep forever

my back is quietly sore as opposed to screaming at me.  dad died 9/5 and tomorrow 9/11.

i forgot my spoon for soup and a drink at sv library.  picked up cup holds expeditiously, went fremont gym for shower so many little kids, walked 150 safeway, checked sprouts bakery specials surprise cherry turnovers, willow on sale bought 2, $5,74 change left.  parked best sunny vale shade.  ate p'b cinnamon roll to tied me over.  puzzling made me sneezy must have a pet full of dander. 

I finally finished an hour sorting car for spoon.  so delicious when you're hungry.  sitting in car so comfortable.  2 security companies walking parking lot.  pair of white and blue uniforms so 4 guards.  i feel so safe.  

kintsugi-ceramic repair-happy saturn day

fixing broken pottery making it more valuable using gold.  watching 'rare objects' new katie holmes film.  interesting idea our healed wounds make us more valuable.  added experience life skills.  critics hate kh and the editor.  i found the confusion and uneveness more like real life.  it isn't perfect with everything explained and neatly laid out for you.  

new pains in neck as muscles relax.  painful hips draining my energy.  i'm feeling wrung out.  cat nap attack.  

woke 1:30 hungry pain gone.  ate p'nut butter and cinnamon rolls.  sliced cooked onion potato carrot for soup.  i'm so glad 2 more days.  seniors is my job.  

added split pea soup to veg.  

never returned home before-free friday

this week starting wednesday i'm returning home after running errands.  i had to lump them in a continuous journey.  i had to be complete before i could return home.  now i can do one thing and rest.  enjoy my accomplishment without self criticism learned from the family playing through me.  such a relief off my shoulders.  they trained me so completely, thoroughly.  i wasn't allowed peace until i fulfilled their demands.  i was a servant only tolerated to do all the work.

loaded free cookies.  i'm planning my escape.  that gave me the shivers.  I don't know why.

picked up not cookies tru blu cheddar cheese crackers.  99 cent eggs 2.  parked #1 spot took eggs into gym showered.  home forgot food for lunch.  stayed in caught up on monopoly game.  relaxed.  stayed home enjoying my freedom.

feeling restless

went to the gym recycled 2 jugs, decided to pay Citibank.  20 minutes extra walked sprouts clearance.  6 bottles herbs 2 chicken bacon cobb salads.  $8.  ooh, i have salad mix.

seniors 11 open.  looked up herbs good for immune.  tygj.  lunch ok i'm still hungry i have 2 salads.  i'm so blessed.  i don't need to fish for others they can learn to fish.  

my legs feet skull neck hurt like 1972.  feet up library well rested by 3.  huge salad mix from monday with jerky.  spinach omelet.

7 am gas $2.56/gal then home

 21.5/mpg.  potato egg salad b'fast.  dollar tree $18+ fun cans ravioli, chili, baked beans, c candy for stomach, ensure for b'fast, mustard sardines.  

seniors 10:50 not opened as advertised.  took toki pears and mochi crunch.  she didn't think it was hot.  fish good.  stopped sprouts bicycle john i gave menu.  i found a child's shoe in basket to lost and found.  checked bakery and clearance.  i wanted $6.99 beet chips.  grape soda so so.  more healthy tasteless crackers.  parking lot found roll blue paint tape.  in car realized dropped shades walked entire store waited at office door no one, i spotted my shades first register.  tygj.  john energy.  

what gorgeous weather.  2:30 81 degrees.  

dad's day-my poor selfish childish dad

24th year.  still painful.  finally finished omelet.  too heavy.  organic tasteless and shells brittle.  wearing tight jeans reminds me of support hose and girdle holding me together.  making it possible for me to work after x quit working no discussion just announced.  i had to add extra hours to support both of us.  oh, the excruciating pain in my legs and feet.  like now.  i'm feeling so upset and angry.  ergo my upset stomach.  1972 but i know how to deal with it.  

daily word prosperity.  i decided i have a week to go to county library.   

9:18 sitting sunny in the quiet shade waiting to open.  driving onto monroe traffic to costco intense.  i still have over quarter tank.  so tomorrow.  i never noticed people sitting waiting enjoying the beautiful morning.  went by on the way to seniors worse crowded.

i decided no more flavored milk from dollar tree only ensure.  i want for cereal extra protein.  

lunch company excellent.  gloria, vanessa, salome.  diane thinks she's all that.  took alex' seat so i added for him.  she's a pisser, wouldn't add her own place left it for someone else, me.  that's why i don't like her.  she's selfish and grabby.  sophia gave arugula brought 2 bread i gave 1 to alex.  toki always remembers comics.  i got leftover chick hopefully more curried.  carrots raw.  under central since seniors open only one hour for lunch.  81 degrees 1 pm.  

read a description of quiet cutting-very subtle undermining.  my mom and sisters describes them perfectly.  i didn't know how to describe their behavior.  

11 am took an hour longer

oh, i'm loving my freedom.  i went lucky's 3 x game tickets.  honey mustard salad dressing, lettuce mix, bought 3 lbs egg potato salad clearance $5.  green salad w/tuna.  toasted all egg o waffles only burned 3.  

they changed the tv schedule.  i'm missing you bet your life.  augh!!  it's all different messing with my autism.

i'm relaxing 8:16

such a funny word.  lax and relax.  ate some cereal and jerky i need protein.  i'm considering my options.  air is still thin.  checking forecast.  today cup coolest so today it is.  checked i have a week to pick up drop off so not today.  sunny i have spot and happy.  i'll still wait.  i'm feeling so tired.  i did all first of month chores in 2 days.

l-o-l bitcoin ads after losing $250 billion in one day.  i sleep more deeply with goli calm.  

i did a taste test diet coke more bubbles acid and sugar free bland flat.  

3 pm i kept napping.  i put on a brace and organized.  

sprouts 17 minutes to spare

lots of bakery and back clearance. choc cake, half cherry pie, turkey sandwich, snacks.  good swim no bran.  felt good drove chase.  feeling tired solicitous young asian man asked after me got me pint water.  drove to star deposit.  new card.  stopped @ 3 yard sales plastic desk, clapper, magnet clip $2.  

st just closed 'til T 5th.  parked under central ate half sandwich.  stomach a little bloated.  considered back to store for chips no.  not that good.  hijab girl finished puzzle.  i have all next week sunny vale.  feet up rested home 1:30.  watched bob marathon 'til 7 'neighbors' and 'simpsons'.  too tired bed 8:30.

dad's day coming up

24 years.  they're always in my heart.  and my dna.