i'm not ready

i misplaced phone.  i finally received cathy's card late mail.  i planned on calling late and forgot.  took into the bedroom.  thank god i found it.  no memory of it.

my phone caller id fry 5 pm gorges.  so i'm avoiding my phone.  my phone.  i'm afraid of my phone i'm not ready to date.  i'm feeling pressured.  i want to just float.  i can feel my self doubt and mistrust in my big belly.  my judgement is based on reacting to the family.  and tom was so the same.  where was i what was i doing.  

noon i tried calling Cathy card came late yesterday 8 pm i got distracted how i misplaced phone in bedroom.  front has witch riding broom cat sitting behind her says "i hate when she eats burritos."  inside says "hope your Halloween doesn't stink."  lol.  

wow i'm grateful.

 i have a peace filled calm life for the most part i love.  i dread listening to demands.  i'm avoiding the phone.  i'm afraid of disappointment.  

watching 2017 (the year eric died) movie joan and pauline collins.  the time of their lives.    so many of my buttons.  terrible reviews by ignorant critics without much life experience.  i saw it before still in death shock.  very cathartic today.  wanting life to be the best happiest possible.  my best life.

checked freebie none

picked up fruit and 8 am in car gorgis called demanding where was i.  not cool.  took my time checked freebie again nothing.  voice mail from cathy too early.  went to swim he waited at door.  parked first handicapped.  went in changed, showered he met me pool.  talked from edge an hour 'til his 9:30 meeting.  i showered checked freebie again teddy's soda.  4 pringles gave one to jessie and alex.  minute maid agua fresca not at safeway i wanted to try nothing like agua fresca.   

lunch i told gals in case he showed up.  first date in 40 years.  20 taking care of parents 20 recovering.  his uncool double ate alone.  freaky how similar.  got extra rice beans waiting with ron.  toke didn't receive shopping ads i had in lunch bag we read while last served.  i offered to teach online ads look up.  i wasn't hungry ate some pringles added corn flour yucky.  

faris han gorgis

came over started talking to me while i loaded my car.  i hung around to be polite and walter showed up so i could give him apricot wheat ale in trunk.  gorgi's fast.  reminds me of tom.

8:30 bedtime

i'm too tired to tolerate tv.  i picked up 'good karma #3' and puzzled 2 hours at sunny.  too sad.

ruh-oh feeling depressed-earth quakes 5.1-3.1 lunchtime

i changed the format.  no idea what i did.  or how.  or how to change it back.  i forgot chrome at home not missing it 'til seniors.  depressed i just do what i know.

i'm feeling so depressed.  nothing to do but confront and ride it out.  first time in my life i have nothing more important.  i've never felt more isolated and alone except ex marriage.  and mom's warning she'd kill me.  that's been coming back too.  

and---5:30 pm it changed back to comfortable format.  i watched jay leno trying so hard to give people money.  he's mellowed or i've mellowed or we've met somewhere in the middle.

i found voice mails from bank

still patelco.  i don't know.  

i'm feeling so depressed.  nothing has changed and yet i feel so immensely sad.  i just realized how i feel has nothing to do with today.  it's old sadness.  it's beatings i never deserved.  my shoulders and back have immense pain locked in the tissues.  i just want to die.  i've suffered too much pain.  the beatings locked into my body.  i feel sick.

everything hurts.  from 2 yr old pushed out the window onto the porch on my back.  kind of a miracle i survived my childhood or did i.  sister aiko claiming i fell.  i always gave her a pass knowing mom abused her.  i saw mom beating her often.  

i feel like sobbing.  i haven't felt this depressed for a long time.  maybe because it's mitzi's b month.  maybe just part of healing the tragedy that is my life at this point.  

i called bart per note he left with tokes croissants on porch.  he didn't remember note.  

watching 'young rock'

i knew i'd like it w/o commercials.  bookmobile had it.  

october is horror month.  i never accepted the evil.  i'm re living the 8 years in bed without the vomiting and agonizing pain.  i lived on vicodin when i could keep it down.  i went to emergency twice after 3 days dehydrated knowing i didn't want to passive suicide.  bad karma.  i'm watching the storehouse of movies.  

i'm looking forward to celebrity shows 8-10.  my forehead skull is so sore.  my eyes blurry my back feet good.  go figure.

best b'fast 10/22/22 sat

i made cheese toast roast pork so delicious.  can't believe how good.  best $5 i spent nob hill.  woke 4 i could have swam decided to do a little and rest.  

i keep having to consciously relax my shoulders and back.  exhausting.  no wonder i'm always tired takes a lot of energy keeping muscles that tense.   

so tired sore

i loaded lucky's freebies listening to healing.  i can drag others forward with me in my heaven.  my friends have to be in heaven too or they leave my life.

my body continues to evolve.   finished puzzle before lunch.  half done since morning.  elves.  after lunch decided pick up sunny 'good karma hospital'.  puzzled map of world 4 hours.  physically tired mentally refreshed i checked safeway loaded free snapple elements rain drink bought clearance rice dish $3.99 frozen broccoli spears $1.18.  coupon didn't register i went to customer service she gave me not 50% clearance but entire $4 for overcharge.  how about that.

woke to loveliest dream

my own true love and i watching tv on the couch wrapped in a cozy blanket.  heaven.

played puzzle after paying discover.  lunch and more puzzle.  walter came by with 'mini' bantam hen he found.  he also has pigeons.  we talked 'til 3:30.  ha ha.  kicked us out.  remembered i had to pay pge looked for volcano water jessica at 24 hr recommended none.  am tires checked all tires 29 psi low topped to 35 and home.  disappointed.

best ever

found necklace parking at gym last space.  changing my routine too.  i swim then soak stretch in tub.  works better.  new puzzle of national parks at seniors.  89 o i stayed 'til 3 home rest relax washed necklace.   

hey, i'm retired every day can be fun day

my neck back and shoulders are realigning.  so sore with sores.  that;s the exhaustion.  i keep forgetting the strain on the body healing damage clearing toxins.  extra sleep rest.

bart trimming persimmon.  he already harvested kiwi.  he's lucked into a garden.  

napped rested my back 2 hours.

swimming was just like always

7 am bart was in backyard.  he put out  green bins yesterday.  i showed him city pamphlet received last week on bins.  he mixed things in bins and dirt in green.  no no.  i took back water shut off key until he needs it.  i still have to point out old hose sprayer he wants to charge me for new.  

i'm becoming the lily of the field toiling not neither do i spin.  no wonder i'm so sleepy.

cheese toasts toaster oven heavenly

it's what i wanted.  heaven is what i want when i want.  eating in bed feeling good..  just had idea of adding tomato sauce for parmesan like.  

going to bed 7:30 last night i'm well rested for a change and my body aches in different places.  i woke thinking it was moon day grind when actually sun day fun day.  i'm used to pushing through the pain and feeling exhausted.  also healing uses a lot of energy regenerating cells.  

i think this is the same chrome combo i turned in 2 days ago.  it has an analog calendar so i can plan better.  

9:40 dozing digesting listening to healing feel relaxed.  watched half of 'any day now' baked jiffy corn bread.  sprayed canola in corning.  puck oven perfect.  added diced tomatoes to canned chili tastes just like mom's.  i'm feeling sinfully happy.  

flashback to 8 years confined to bed.  now i appreciate the rest.

excellent feeling so blessed

went leisurely swim.  stopped st just drop off extra groceries.  sign thrift shop open 10 like library first priority.  parked shade found 2/$1 movies outside cash only.  inside went upstairs considered reading newspaper.  looked up map to fire station open house.  puzzled for 3 hours enjoying every second despite back legs stomach screaming.  decided home first checked thrift nothing suddenly $tree dinner dessert snacks.  ate butter pecan ice cream first.

library heaven

doing what i want.  turned in combo last minute came home.  bart no action on faucet.  

6 am loaded free alkaline water and trail mix @ lucky's 7 am picked up then swam.  i have to remember to be aware.  my addictive self can easily get carried away.  

i asked ron if he was called sweet baby.  he said no and yesterday he had car trouble and walking missed lunch.  i told all 3 lunches reward waiting for ron no show.  

so relaxed 9/32 water key.

bart showed up 7:30 am.  i gave him water key to fix leak re emphasizing the faucet is my dad's invention for my mom to get drinking water too weak to wind hose on it.  he said he understood but i got home 1:30 nothing done just yard work.  

swim great lunch 3 servings h had so much left.  i stayed waited for ron no show.  that's how he ends on stand by.  and i have 3 servings of vera cruz fish.

so relaxed

swam, lunched, went main to pick up spot.  stayed 1-5 puzzle table album covers from my life.  my back and feet hurt worth it.   put battery in scooby do pocket watch works great.  

i called kathy addiego at pat never received page 2 computer auto reply nonsense.  i got fax number called lina at star she's resubmitting request.  we'll see.  

heated chicken cooked beets.  forgot alex lettuce cooked froze broccoli.  so good teriyaki.  

playing puzzle

paid city.  reviewed star one.  taking care of business.  and i'm bored tired.  this planet is ......

wearing me down.  grinding?  polishing?  

3 weeks retirement.  called star will call pat tomorrow.  the old me felt obliged to do, do, do.

resting-Bart

left receipts for hose $18.20 and cut guava avocado trees over garage.  i have 2 hoses in garage.

washed de labeled clothes gerde gave me.  kept some blouses give away rest in 24 hour backpack.  

paddled pool half hour.  home used browning to heat chicken drained beet juice into yucky energy drink now delicious.  added balsamic to salty beets delicious.  

i'm so disappointed bart wrapped hose in back side yard on spigot too heavy leaking.  when it rained he wanted it to leak next to the downspout.

looking for little mermaid 2

 exactly one year dad died.  huh.  back to the sea.

bart came by 11:30 another hour.  i reminded him NO watering.  he wants me to pay for hose fix and hanger.  no brace i told him to submit through mail slot.  back not good stomach hurting.  he must be bored out of his mind.  

fell asleep watching concentration and woke remembering to cook st just chicken.  5 lbs mostly bones skin fat 4 quarters i cut apart.  half in oven half micro.  i'm reorganizing kitchen garbage.  i'm amazed i can move at all.  this morning so much pain stiffness, 3:30 better.  took willow and kava.  boned chicken made skin crackling.  cleaned. folding dry clothes.

good day of rest.  sewed repaired remodeled.  

considering pondering

awake since 4 i'm thinking of what i want to do.  i loaded wash into car in case.  left roll-y home.  windows open for the cool.  60 o.  

7:46 am daily word adventure.  so here i sit harris lass house for flea market.  also good day to pay citibank.  found misc freebies and gold looking ring $3.  lots and lots to look at.  took my time.  talked to very unique people.  paid citi drove .1 to lucky's walked store.  i realized i had  no idea where laundry just drove here 10 just as getting busy and warm.  

suddenly decided st just pantry pick up.  car full with donations, wash saw sign yearly rummage high school church walked 2 hours $20.  8 movies, 3 bags, jewelry, sewing notions.  not even hungry home 1 pm put away pantry food, hung laundry, nuked frozen patty, cauliflower, opened salty organic diced pickled beets package.  dessert angel cake blueberries.   feeling stiff sore accomplished huge amount.

egg cheese sandwich

almost forgot supplements.  getting so emotionally relaxed.  muscles are still tight.  i have to consciously relax them when i catch myself.

rested after lunch with puzzle.  i'm feeling sad missing my sisters.  yesterday nit's 67 b'day.  i miss who i thought they were.  i always hoped some day they'd have my back but they used mom and dad like they used me.  all they care about is money.  

my eyes are burning from smog.  i napped an hour even after drinking oxygen.  i was feeling nausea.  

so much fun

i'm goofing off.  my inner child is so happy.  i'm puzzling this morning and after lunch.  i'm so glad tomorrow tgif.  today i forgot to wear brace picking up fruit and got into car my back hurt i remembered.  went back in house.  puzzled before and after lunch.  

during lunch diana price asked me to order tennis she saw abc 7 sale.  between 3 after gloria advice we successfully ordered.  whew so intense.  

came home @ 3 bart added hose hanger after i told him no watering.

new aches pains

i feel a little more flexible.  i nuked 2 eggs topped with smoked gouda for b'fast.  i'm back in bed digesting.  healing only happens in relaxed tissues.  that's what sleep and comas are about.  

i stood around talking to bart sans back brace a mistake i'm acknowledging now.  couldn't sleep too tired to realize.  

bart came by 3:30

worked + 3 hrs today. i paid him 2 hrs from 14-2+3=15 hours current total.  he bought white 97 toy pick up as opposed to red 94.  

i'm listening to healing all day.  started 6 am, while puzzling seniors and all afternoon.  now i'm listening to 3 at once.  the family droned on in the background of my life for my entire life.

2 miracles

after gym i withdrew chase and since i was there i checked safeway clearance and found free coke coffee.  deposited mission c u then feeling lucky i decided to check college safeway i found free popcorn.  noticed right front hubcap missing.  safeway website listed 28 items missing not the freebies.  i finally realize everything i've ever purchased is tracked.  

so i got to seniors 11 and wrote out checks and cash for bartolo.  lunch with toke and alex good.  backtracked searching for hubcap none.  ended at library to pick up requests came home.  i'm loving my life.  never thought i'd feel this.

i'm so afraid of making a mistake

mom always threatened to kill me.  a lifetime of fear in my body.  beginning of month blues.  and everything was my fault.  good things i did was labeled luck no matter how hard i worked.  

gym sunny library returned all. 2:30 cooled perfect temp safeway free popcorn coke coffee gone bought bread, clearance angel cake, 4 almonds, checked dollar hagen dagz no flavors i wanted went sunny dollar butter pecan, beef bean burritos, frozen dinner, fries, popcorn, 3 clearance laundry bags 1 pair skeleton arms.  checked maria safeway clearance corn bread.  

'any day now'

school shooting when prey becomes the predator.  1980 is still with us.   

people are raised to be predators and prey not human beings.  

capitalism gives them license to do whatever they want for profit the almighty dollar the god greed.

i don't understand how people don't acknowledge violence hurts everyone.  i feel actual physical pain witnessing violence.  i'm sure everyone is damaged whether consciously aware or not.

i considered doing my banking, laundry, watching city parade of champions but my back too unstable.i'm resting.  i finally cooked spaghetti with can chicken diced tomatoes.  b'fast was a can of vienna sausages just what i wanted.   funny how delicious life is when i get what i want when i want it.  and snack was green peas ranch dressing raw sunflower seeds and savory almonds.