amazing

i watch game shows studying behavior.   actors earn their living by giving people the behavior the audience wants.  no wonder they become alcoholic addicts.  they manipulate others by denying themselves authenticity.  they kill themselves trying to please others and failing.  if Depp wins he loses.  he feels smugly superior convincing the audience merely another performance.  the smirks on his face tells the story he lies and revels in his own performance.   now i understand Robin Williams' suicide.  he believed his own hype.  

sitting listening healing senior parking lot 11 am waiting for lunch to open.  Gerde kept repeating inge is so patient answering over and over.  back started hurting i left early.  home 1 rested gamed napped an hour.  shampooed showered.  refreshed.

catching up memorial monday

i loaded free drink Lucky's reward.  no hot dogs.  had to return home forgot back brace wearing bathing suit under dress.  tried suits all on.  got burger king croissant never noticed ham before.  

went gym 2 first safe way bought 2 clearance sandwich snack boxes $7.07.  finally got dmv car registration renewal kiosk to work huzzah!!  recycled 4 water bottles.  showered filled water.  too tired to swim suit spinner gone.  home ate lunch slept 3 hours.  back seems ok.

best memorial day ever.  wrote out life insurance.  getting a handle on bills.  Wednesday bank day.  

i feel shot in the back

ironic considering how i've been betrayed by everyone in my life so far.  during Mari-el i remembered 3 deaths all from back injuries.  no wonder i have trust issues.  

watching the rhetoric on gun control Sunday Morning.  the All Mighty Dollar.  like guns need controlling when its the people needing help.  

watching overcoming anxiety depression trauma grief.  marriage triggered my anxiety panic attacks agoraphobia.  i've never dealt with the childhood basis.  aromatherapy, music, supplements, hypnosis. i went online checked library.  wow, like a catalog of my life.  i give them back their alcoholic suicidal history and create my own.  

cooked quinoa in chicken bell pepper juices shredded chick ca bobs.  added almonds Bragg's amino supplement delicious nutritious.  part of my improved healthy diet.

i figured out how mom made me a caretaker.  she made me always consider my sisters before myself.  i wasn't important they were.  over and over mom reinforced that i was less than nothing.  my survival depended on taking care of others.  

woo hoo!!

done and done.   i went to Lawrence Lucky's at 8 am looking for Friday freebie Labne yogurt  none.  bought 4 corn and clearance chick ka bob.  burger king b'fast put in trunk to Saratoga Lucky's looked on yogurt none so i asked, with the cheese lots.  $4.  free.  yay!  so nice not to feel hungry.  i spent most of my childhood apologizing for being alive.  i gave up as a teen and just felt resigned.  i feel like i'm coming out of a family fog.

i feel done for the day.  napped noon to 1:30.  feeling better.  cooked chicken garage kitchen.  

3 pm Jamie Oliver 30 minute meals.  yay!!  i love learning things to make my life easier and tastier.  sitting my right pinky toes feel like they're broken.  been hurting all week.  i don't know how people sit for hours.

sore all over

i just want to be.  too sore to even think of doing.  i feel drained.  as long as i stay completely still i don't hurt.  seriously considered staying home too boring.  and i still have to eat.  

did my routine and home for watching whew!  

artificial sweeteners

upsetting stomach.  at seniors enjoying fruit drops real sugar and waiting for bookmobile.  what i decided.  i didn't know when i sat in snack bar area watching parking lot.  cooler blustery day.  

1972 injuries working out of tissues.  life is tough.  why do we do it?  besides excruciating pain the runs.  like taking care of dad.  

i came home early to rest my back.

left shoulder blade

so sore takes my breath away.  from 1986 motorcycle fall.  i was so focused on ankle i didn't feel rib or hip.  and neck trauma heavy helmet.

kids didn't want to compute i'm in too much pain.  stayed seniors til 3 hot 90+.  tomorrow cooler.  

brain plasticity-WITH ALL THY GETTING GET THEE UNDERSTANDING-BIBLE

my fascination with classic concentration exercises problem solving.  nice to finally understand.  i still don't understand how this format works.  it keeps doing things on its own.  i'm just enjoying it.

my time is my own.  we'll get Gerde her own library card Thursday she passed on today.  Raymond did 3 tests upstairs.

feeling tired

did 14 miles driving and walked 8 stores.  2 pm what to do.  i took gerde on 4 dmv computer practice driver tests.  my goal to make her independent online.  perked me right up.  tomorrow upstairs computer.  

so spending time with her i reverted to locking my keys and phone in car at college safe way.  Marisa customer service called triple a and Danny came quickly and efficiently unlocked my car.  notwithstanding home 3:15.  veg jerky, clearance gum and parchment.   i want more veg jerky.  high protein fiber.  

4 am the best

i'm disappointed new 24 not ready but not really surprised.  i could see.  

i'm feeling tired with all the time to relax.  

11:47 i've been walking and driving since 8:30.  whew!  i'm doing it.  been to 5 stores for slivered almonds.  $9 seems a bit steep.  sv library just right for book sale and charging chrome and spot if i stay.  one more safe way to check.  at least i found mouth wash $v dollar store.  i'm out.  

bought 5 almonds $2.99 a relief.  home 3:30 so much accomplished.  

high anxiety

in my head i hear Mel Brooks singing.  i prepped strawberries with egg bread=heaven.  so excited i couldn't sleep 'til midnight and woke 4.  

8:30 outdoors Alexis and Chris at  24 hour 2 chips 2 XL shirts 4 oz water.  soft opening.  i asked gen mgr senior rates none.  only today $20 /mo. no increase lifetime.  inside gym not finished.  oh, well.   Lucky's free seasoning and 3 dill p chips 1 game token.  i'm addicted.  Big Lots coconut chocolate candy no dill.  i wanted to do a taste test.

home 9:30 plenty of time to watch "any day now".  11 am classic concentration to 1.  "dreamer" movie 2005 Kurt Russell Dakota Fanning pretty good.  i remembered Jamie Oliver 3-6.  30 minute meals.  Heaven.  i've missed watching his half hour shows.  he's kind of a kitchen maniac.  3 hours in the blink of an eye.

huh, this weekend sunny book sale today tomorrow.  

here i am

sitting in parking lot waiting for the fair.  best time in history to be senior.  took my time decanting argan shampoo i love washing my hair every day.  i'm loving me.

lots of goodies 10-11 am fair.  lunch 11:15 ok.  12:30 i helped Gerde load her walker she walked all over fair.  i did it.  accomplished what i set out to do.  hopefully i'm ok.  i don't know.   i am feeling very tired.  

still figuring this out

not obvious i have to connect chrome to get spot to connect to internet.  took me 2 hours to figure it out.  i turned off spot as an experiment.  i have to connect chrome before spot will connect.  i'm learning.  

7:30 seniors i've been ready to go since 4 am.  i'm looking forward to 24 hour whenever i want.  yay!  sat day.

watching online anti inflammatory foods it pays to be a squirrel.  those who ate the most nuts healthiest.   

gave myself a fright.  i left water and locker keys in car after bookmobile.  i remembered 1 pm.  

i'm loving washing my hair every day.   my left leg still swollen and sore from 1972 and 1979-82 injuries.  

miracles

new chrome is fabulous.  so fast and reliable.  albert found my phone and i picked it up front desk.  it's good.  took me half hour and 2 reps to turn second phone back on.  and now i know.  

john @ Panera

lost all content in my excitement.   i bought bacon souffle and sat with a bunch online.  seniors after lunch i used computer checked libraries.  sunny chrome book i cancelled.  book due sat 21.

i turned in old chrome before updating.  i have new chrome combo.  works great!  even in library.  and i forgot charging phone seniors called consumer to pause and ellie turned off wrong phone.   or maybe both.   oh, well.  i'm resolving feeling incapable.  

left leg sore swollen is healing 1972 fall.  distracting me.

i'm wearing my bathing suit tops as blouses.  so comfortable.  

using Panera internet.

seniors i avoided adrian.  he made a point of using stretch table first time ever.  i ignored him and his bitch.  they did their best to annoy me by turning off fans i rose above it.  i had already decided to use alternate machines.  i enjoyed a different workout.  washed my hair avoided the Monday class.   computed couldn't use hot spot no reception.  used phone to pay discover.   picked up lunch visited with table.  turned in hot spot picked up new movie Jill Scott at main and 3 others.  online requested hot spot new combo with chrome.   drove past st j back to main shady parking i ate my lunch.  went back in to compute.

decided 1.7 miles to Panera preferable to 3 miles sunny vale.  and i tried the chicken brioche seen on tv.  used internet update.  lots of others online.

remembered nob hill used coupons expiring 2 days.  8/$5 frozen pea potato samosas i cooked and ate.  so good.  3/$5 boxes crackers, lb strawberries $1.75, huller $5, chicken parmesan $9, sleep drinks $5, cherry ice $1.  

i'm getting excited sat day gym opening.  remembering sprouts 7 am opening years ago.  this so much closer 9 am.

watching movies 2:30 am

lying in bed eating chili mac.  i have all day to nap if i get sleepy.  baby in reverse.  real life Benjamin Button.  

i'm so blessed.  9 am i decided to look up dmv smog test stations.  close one just opened by pollo loco smog queen.  i called by the time i got there 9:30 2 customers.  i charged chrome and spot.  Vincent compassionate young man explained everything.  $65.  started for home detoured good will bathing top $6.  then realized across from rite aid booster shot.  done and done.  i'm amazed.  

egg bread chili mac lunch watching "Walton's" marathon.  heaven.

i can go where i want when i want without answering to anyone.  

mom threatened to kill me

so many times i lost all fear of death.  i accepted one day she'd kill me.  i just hoped it'd be quick and pain free.   a child has no power, a slave.  i did not want to create more slavery.  i'm so glad i didn't have kids.  life may eventually improve.  not foresee ably the next 10 years. 

Cody already apologizes to his kids.  are they any more ecologically conscious i doubt it.  covid is the result of disrespecting the planet resources.  if man disappears, kills himself off the planet will continue.  so many doomsday scenarios of running away to the moon, mars, space when it isn't possible not a solution.  indigenous peoples always stress respect planet.

Monday 10-2 hot spot due or turn in Tuesday 3-7.  47 waiting.

Sunnyvale has chrome books and hot spots combos.  a long waiting list but city most equipment broken.  none county.  oh, well.  choices.

oh my right eye.  my brow is so sore.  lunch tuna sandwich dessert apple cinnamon p'butter.  my ribs and hips have finally loosened up stopped aching.  movement is medicine.  dinner mac cheese can chili.  i'm inspired.  

watching relaxed 21 year mom's death day

i'm loving pampering myself.  woke at 3 just remembered 8:33 sitting seniors parked.  funny how the body remembers what the mind forgets.   

Pete gave me his chef salad.  3 bowls full.  brought home not well done chicken to cook.  lay down 2 hours watched "Maggie Cole"  slow train wreck like mom and dad.  

my own recipe

b'fast nut grain bread soaked in beaten egg microwave 30-15-15-15-15 turning and rotating.  so good.  

my stomach iffy.  i finished the chips last night watching my games.  i just don't digest like i used to.  

i'm feeling rebellious.  a new feeling.  i'm thinking of elder brother kogi and mutant message warning of killing the lungs of the planet.  

drove to cup to pick up movies.  home i went to nap.  feeling better.  

i'm so used to criticism

feeling tired well, i did a lot new.  stayed up late awoke tired.  learning to be kind to myself.

awoke scolding God Adam and Eve inequality.  taken from rib the side not above or below.  Eve blamed for garden expulsion.  studying with Jehovah's Witnesses at age 9 i asked if God is all knowing He knew Adam and Eve would eat of the tree of knowledge.  seemed like a set up entrapment.  so what gives?

7:47 seniors new arr time.  Adrien dissed me to impress a female predator.  i thought he liked me i distrust him now.  he's dead to me.  washed my hair with argan oil shampoo.  feels good.

picked up lunch ate with table:  Art, Gerda, Greg.  GAG.  John and Gill stopped by to chat.  Filled water bottles computed upstairs, no chrome internet.  

home 1:45 to watch "Misty of Chincoteague"  i read all Marguerite Henry's horse books as an unhappy child.  and Walter Farley.

hungry 5 am

 got up, heated bbq chicken with nut grain bread lettuce.  watching game shows and news.  

8:30 senior parking lot collecting my thoughts setting my intention for the day.  

it works.  i spent 1-2 pm at Feldenkrais with Michelle Winterlaken at the Saratoga senior center 4 years old.  i took Allendale from Saratoga at 12:45 so i decided to check out class one other student Wanda.  i wore shorts but i decided to observe only.  synchronicity.

2:30 ate lunch in library parking lot feeling tired.  charged chrome hot spot missed 'trouble' movie already sent to cup.  picked up 'all creatures 1'.  2 miles to expressway.  whew!!  7 miles total home.  

oh my tummy upset too many chips.  made quinoa.  

stayed up to watch Hugh Laurie in 'Mr Pip' 2012.

costco without planning.

winter's back i wore warm shorts under my dress.  garbage pick up early brought in bin.

got gas.  just drove.  didn't stress.  medium lines $5.30/gal again.  slowly does it.  didn't stress heavy traffic.  just drove.  new me.

ate lunch with table sewed Art's bag strap.  computed and charged chrome and hot spot.  page keeps changing type size.  i'll leave it.  home street blocked off yearly clean up i went round by expressway no stress.  new me.   

cut cooked ate artichoke so delicious fresh from garden.  

been awake since 5 happy mom day

watching 'any day now'  1998 the year dad fractured his spine.  i couldn't watch anything about lies hypocrisy prejudice having too much at home.  too much poison to process.  autism doesn't have certain filters antitoxins.  now that i don't have to associate with family i can watch.  

"i remember mama" 1948 i learned how loving families function, how to budget pay rent first food second, succeed in life.  critical path management.  i watched a lot of tv weekends after cleaning house, mowing the yard from the age of 8 'til 18 when they kicked me out for putting myself through college.  Mr Rhodes my high school advisor filled out my college applications and helped me.  i tutored his daughter in algebra.  mom put me last because i didn't complain like my sisters she told me.  mom rewarded complaining.  complaining creates negative chemicals.  Gerde complains expecting rewards and just gets sicker.  George thinks Trump is a saint and gets sicker with wrong thinking..

i cooked the chicken thighs drumsticks.  i should have separated them instead of baking 4 quarters.  cooked unevenly.  much harder.   

chrome crashed again.  i'm retrieving pages faster with less fear and anxiety.  i have to update and close to keep connection.  this chrome is oldest model. 

decided 8 pm Lucky's freebie none 3 cherry soda for ticket forgot misplaced found back to store.  course in miracles=not appearance of success or failure in attempt intention.

what a weekend

chrome crashed last night just like exactly 2 weeks ago.  took it into main Monica took it apart half hour put it together and it works.  screen went blank wouldn't turn off she said press refresh and power together next time.  all my family guilt persecution came rushing in.  must be my fault not.  an opportunity to heal to past.

st just pantry 3 bags full.  came home 11:30 put things away baked frozen pepperoni pizza in puck pressure oven half hour @ 450 o.  i completely forgot 'til 2.  lunch i heated last pork tamale beaten 3 eggs.  pizza cheese got dark did not burn.  chopped up into tupperware.  

and it crashed again.  i pressed refresh and power and it reset i lost all settings started over.  what's important to me.

city clean up tomorrow i'm considering.  nah.

not even 9 and i'm sleepy

woke 4 am and i read 'til 6 watched my tv games ate a pop tart.  don't feel like quiche.  got mouth wash dollar store corn chips.  

i drove all over 2 Lucky's, Safeway, Citibank and i feel elated.  and a little sleepy.  i did it all.

cinco de mayo

lovely cool today.  i'll go to nob again for corn who knows.  who's nose.  

my life has been an autistic nightmare.  does happy enter into it?  the Lutheran church spire looks so beautiful framed against the grey clouds.  i'm so expert at distracting distancing myself from pain in all its forms.  it's basically chemical.  it can only register chemically.

interesting i gave 2 bottles of monopoly game aspirin to inge to give to gerda and she was going to keep both.  and she only gave one to gerda.  i only remembered because i got the box cutter for the mail order and there they were.

i called Walter he rambled for 24 minutes.  went to nob 4th time the charm last 3 ears.  

new behavior sunnyvale

this chrome just doesn't like to connect.  too many users.

and i'm home online 10:20.  and i ate another tamale and an orange.  i've eaten more fruit this year than the last 20.

Panera 7:46

i could not find it under b'fast.  they had 3 bacon but i only get credit for each separate purchase.  one more for reward.  just occurred to me 2 separate sales.  mom labeled me sneaky when actually it was Alien pulling my strings or else.  she took care of her scapegoat.  none of my men did.  mom never acknowledged made me think she was dim but maybe just in denial.

banking done for another month.  next.  i decided to enjoy computing in the parking lot with my back fully supported.  hard on my legs though.  i have to keep moving.  i want to wash my hair scalp is oily.  i'm going to wash every day.  

noon driving over to mission library for movie yearly cleanup rolling clothes rack a bit dusty i dismantled to trunk.  i just saw Art 12:48.  borrowed movies, city clean up detour i went to nob hill 6 pork tamales no ears corn, baby carrots.  nuked 2.

1986 living Gilroy i dreamed behind hall bathroom door instead of tub carpet  filled with white tissue paper peach lime green ribbons.  so when mom died in that tub i wasn't surprised as much i was angry we never traveled using the world mark i bought them the month before dad fractured his back.  and i realized the cover to 'love' reflects the 1986 portrait i painted jeweled crown headdress and covid veil.  

no internet.  connected but....motivates me to move.  not working well sunny.

half banking done

i've gotten 3 bags from Walmart.  no invoice.  i'm feeling efficient.  i'm consolidating.  and i'm consistently updating saving my post.  lost everything yesterday.  talking to bookstore volunteer i know terrorists can destroy a country by taking down internet no need for bombs guns.  Putin is just stupid.   

i worried when i lost settings.  now it's merely inconvenient.  

8 minutes to mission c u.  amazing!!  i'm so early.  an hour to shower.  reminded me when mom yelled at me for washing my hair once a week when Mitt washed hers every day without a peep.  

another half hour for pick up.  so today i'm sitting fireplace room charging.  the entire table cme in to join me.  i left them at 1 to come home for lunch not at all hungry.

36.5 'God's Compass' movie.  doing the right thing.  

lost my connection

no internet i tried resetting and no internet at all.  didn't feel like driving after seniors, main, chase, jack in box.  took 'til 12:30 for lunch pick up line out the door.  at least i talked to toki 7/1 dining in only.  oh, well.  i didn't eat 'til 1 too late at main.  too tired.

according to stats

i may live another 9 years.  huh.  the world is such a mess.  greed is the root.  i used to think it was fear but what is the purpose of billions of dollars other than greed.  end of month blues.

3 weeks 'til 24 hour fitness open.  my body may be winding down and i've never been emotionally healthier.  i have what i need.  do i want to soak today and drive 6 miles.

i discovered i only have to click on page to change pages.  i don't want to do anything.

i looked at my anthem otc and ordered supplements.  took hours.  many choices unorganized to promote duplicate items.  

do i want Lucky's peas and hot dogs.